Well look at this, Civvies talkin bout' a hot new game Soo this game came out (no kidding huh) ya mighta heard of it It's a half life 2 story right, ya got this evil soldier guy from black mesa But you play as him and you hunt down Gordon Freeman. After years of development in many delays. It's out. (Spoilers: its garbage.) Its $25 it's on sale for like $21 right now. This thing got $12 on IndieGoGo. Allegedly had a shady greenlight campaign involving BOTS, allegedly. also allegedly had some stolen assets and when I say allegedly I mean just look at the shit on Steam GAWD DAYUm. I played this on day one in the cutscenes didn't work They were really heavily featured in the promotional material, so the game just starts it you pick up a pistol with almost no ammo and if you don't take a step back first you Won't collect a knife and you'll need that because there's not much ammo around, and there's lots of zombies. (this is peak gaming now) Let's talk about this heads-up display, which doesn't stay on the screen for all that long which is cool when you need to know how much health you have and someone isn't shooting you. The ammo counts go away too unless Unless your'e using the combine pulse rifle. it's not ideal You don't even get the little icons when you pick stuff up like weapons or ammo so you don't know what you're picking up (again, peak gaming time) I didn't know I had the knife at first or later these Molotov cocktails the inventory system is like a loadout where you put these weapons and items and slots But you can't access them all at once and you can't use the shotgun and the sniper rifle at the same time because they're in The same slot and I don't understand why they would do this in the first place, it adds nothing motherFUC you get past the zombies and I find this room and I keep looking for a place to go Is it this door? No, is it this one? (we have entered a great deppresion in gaming, pyro needs to make petscop two god) No these switches and these doors. No Walk towards this wall looking thing and that opens up into what looks like a missile command center Now, where are your eyes drawn in this room? What is the focal point as a player? Where do you think you should go down that ramp sure, but there's nothing there literally nothing. It's empty space You're actually supposed to go to the door on the right and that triggers a cutscene But some of the cutscenes don't work the thing that was really standing out in this game the cutscenes which is antithetical to how half-life Games are made anyway, because it's about an unbroken first-person narrative Yeah, I put this game down for a while because I looked at the Steam page and it said patch within 24 hours Which is not encouraging. Oh, oh boy. Okay, let me hold on. I'm gonna dust these off here "FUCKING RAW" Hahahahaha (Civvie losses his sanity) Let's get into the intro you are a military guy with a troubled past your name is Mitchell Who's the puffy guy is the big Larry sex machine? Mitchell and you joined the Marines before going into black base and getting brutally murdered by Gordon Freeman, but you get better whatever it takes whoever it takes However long it takes before I die. I will fucking kill you You won't that's kind of a given and if you do that's the final nail in the coffin for half-life 3. Am I right? That's my obligatory half-life 3 joke for this video, please like and subscribe for more edgy topical humor so the g-man busy in the hospital it says he wants you to kill Freeman but not right now and if the premise of this game is that the Mysteriously powerful g-man is going to set a human Maryna to take care of Gordon Freeman who was responsible for more marine deaths than space Bugs including nearly killing the man. He's currently recruiting I know Gordon Freeman is just a theoretical physicist, but there's a reason the G bad uses him shit. I'm losing too much blood I need to patch myself up. It's okay. There's a med pack right there. Oh Why did he just steal that and start running what a dick you chase him and he runs into a barnacle and gets killed So obviously I run right into this trap the first time funny story the game Auto saved me when the barnacle grabbed me So I just kept reloading into certain death. Yeah, cool. Fuck you - fuck you, bro So I restart the level and take the elevator. I have no weapons yet The name of the game is outrun the zombies which is easy and they're all really an organically placed around the map as you run Through it I was stuck for a while because the game led me to the stack of tables that I couldn't move and I couldn't crouch under little did I know this game doesn't just have Crouch it has something called prone Which is like Crouch more and that's how you get through that the game doesn't tell you that so I went around looking for other routes and the only other door I could open was this office with a dead guy in a nun textured keyboard Hey kids spoiler alert. That's the only Gordon that's gonna show up in this video I'm not kidding Gordon Freeman appears nowhere in this game But this isn't all just a bad dream as the cutscene shows where this guy comes to inform you that the seven-hour war is going on an HEC you won on Special Forces doing here. Wait, hold on. Anyway, so you alone is that anyone else with you? That's Alex from I hate everything. It's a that's a good channel. He's just good work He's plagued someone in the United States National Guard because yeah sure fuck me Come on, there is no easy way to put it but as far as we know we're under an alien invasion That's a pretty good way of putting it actually concise informative There's no more army. No more military We are the only ones left And by that he means there are a bunch of soldiers outside with unlimited ammo fighting an infinite wave of whatever the holy hell these Pumpkin-headed monstrosity czar, you don't have to stay here and fight just got to find the right alleyway and then you're up against a thousand of those goddamn things by yourself and their weapons do 1 point of damage so you could just Run past them I go to this building and I'm like, where do I go now? Maybe one of these open doors No, not that one Not that one either that's an invisible wall. Let's call the elevator and oh It's gonna be like that is it I wait for the slowest elevator in the world like in half-life 2 episode 1 except without Alex and with the shotgun that Doesn't have the double barrel the whole fire the half-life shotgun that was so useful against these running zombies from Raven home that the game starts to endlessly spawn along with 10,000 other bullshit zombies that I don't even come into contact with during the fight you might notice how visually different every map is from The one that came before it and that's probably because all these different maps are cobbled together without any real cohesion since they don't even do the thing with the seamless level transitions from half-life you're here and then you hear you're an Albuquerque, but then inside this building and then you take the elevator and everything is dark and I mean dark Just let me whip out the flashlight and oh Pressing F doesn't work. I wonder what harebrained scheme they had here where they made the flashlight some other button besides F That's absurd. That's ridiculous. Let me check the option. There's no flashlight What I didn't know is that you have to go with your inventory and select the night-vision goggles, which you equipped like a weapon Primary fire to put on and secondary fire to take off Why it could just be a fucking button, but okay, the game doesn't ever explain this It's not like you pick something up and wonder hey, what's that thing and use it? It's just there and even when you do pick something up You don't know what it is because it's not like in half-life where you get a picture of what the thing is funny story I paused the game to take down some notes stop the recording and then my computer overheated and shut down My computer is kind of shit, but it's not overheat from a source engine game shit We haven't even gotten to the worst parts you end up in the canal areas of Albuquerque Which looked like the canal area is a city 17 the game likes to do its battles like this see It's like a low-rent Serious Sam or painkiller where it spawns about ten million enemies way more than you have the resources to actually deal with and eventually the exit opens up when you're done being punished for wanting to play a half-life game before this if there's three hunters At you these things from half-life 2 episode 2 these bad motherfuckers and there's this thing that happens with the AI and Source engine games Vai needs to close the gap between the monsters and you and if it can't do that the monsters just sit there and attack you Unless you're out of range In the city you meet Adam Adams black ops troop, he's not very trustworthy. I don't know everyone's evil in this game It doesn't matter. So tell me mr. Black ops. Why should I trust you? You guys fucked us over at Black Mesa Adam what my name it's Adam and we just followed orders They sent us to do the job you guys failed to do you killed your own people Didn't you by the time we got there? You guys already killed more than half the Black Mesa staff That was different. How face it Mitchell. I did nothing different than you Yeah, following orders marine skill scientists. You kill Marines it all worked out in the end, right? Who cares? what we're currently doing in this game is fighting through the seven-hour war which is the event that took place between Half-life 1 & 2 where humanity tried to fight off the combine and failed spectacularly You even get a little 20 for style ticking clock to show you how far in you are And it turns out at exactly 7 hours president team star. Yes president keemstar Says we've surrendered and you'd think that would be the end of the combine fighting but no It's not those creatures can be many things but they're not stupid Do you know something we don't black ops Well, I guess I do well, maybe you should open your mouth and start talking. The aliens are coming. We've been compromised Oh, hey pyrocynical. That's two British youtubers playing American soldiers cool Once you meet all these Marines you start fighting combine again And you're in this long tunnel where aliens pour from one end and you and way too many NPC soldiers shoot aliens And you don't have to do much This fight is repeated several times once at a tunnel get in a subway and other time and a ship it's trash Oh, yeah, also multiply this by four and you have the next level on the train platform Infinitely respawning ammo and health, but god, it's dull this fucking belt never stops Then we get to the train level where you get a minigun with infinite ammo and also it Regenerates your health for some reason and you have to shoot down a random number of gun ships. I don't know how it works It's basically a turret section There are a lot of those where you're behind a gun and I guess you can move in this one But you shouldn't unless you stand in the path of the gun ships and let them shoot you they'll destroy the train car you're on And I got a laugh out of how you're still on top of it, like fucking Wiley coyote You haven't realized you're about to fall. It's good stuff How do you get out of this level I don't know exactly I shot gunships down for like 20 minutes before going back into the train and triggering the end I don't know why it happened. But whatever. I'll take it Now comes my favorite part of the whole game where you're sitting in a gunner seat of a Humvee while also driving that Humvee and the truck that I'm escorting pushes me into a river And I reload my game and it crashes because the save is corrupted So now I have to go shoot gunships on that fucking train again and once you through the desert It looks like you go directly to the Pacific Northwest the beautiful scenic Oh, hold on I see a diner here. I see a mechanic I see all the factories all the way down the road and I have to go on foot instead of in the Humvee call $21 for this game So the next part of the game ended up being my least favorite because it was completely fucking broken You go into this warehouse and one of these dick sets a fire behind you so you can't leave not that I didn't try Okay, here's what we do. We move all these health packs towards a fire and instead of dying I'm gonna go through and just keep healing. You know, nope. I hit the invisible wall I don't I can't I can't even jump off the roof. So what's next? Well when a game is this broken and reloading doesn't work and restarting doesn't work. No clip is where we go so I no clip around the map and find even more zombies and headcrabs and then I enter into this parking lot area and it Spawns shitload of these guys who I kill this is what I'm talking about what I say that these pre-designed levels Don't fit the game at all because I have to run across this giant parking lot then around the fenced off area That's around that parking lot only you come back where I started and I think okay, maybe down this way, but no That's an invisible wall. So I look around for about half an hour. And guess what? It was totally past that invisible wall I'm not gonna freak out about this. I'm not I can't fucking go any further That is absolutely don't shit. I Have you're fucking joking? Oh My god That's a white box on top of the road that's a fucking brush let me communicate something witty plates again, it's rule It's wrong so now we're at the docks and you get chased by man hacks and hunters And It's another hour and we fucking around through a map You climb a lighthouse for a gunship to blow it up because you have no way of taking it down or getting out of its Way because these wooden boxes you can't break the wooden boxes and you drop into this water and there's just voids of nothingness and Rain under water and you have to run around for a long-ass time trying to find out where to go because there's no hits No waypoints you dropped into a giant map getting pounded by endless monsters. I knew from the loading screen I had to get to a ship but see the water in the second part starts hurting you even if you're out fucking Standing in it. Welcome aboard gentlemen, I am captain Roosevelt Tell me who is in charge of All these warriors wait, they're not yours. How did they all get here before me then did the game? Skip a cutscene did the NPCs? Skip a cutscene Your name young man I'm Sergeant. I have no interest in your rank your name, who are you? Mitchell Mitchell Yes, Mitchell a name with many meanings for some the meaning is a gift From God for others who is like God Which one of you? Mitchell are you a gift from God descent to save us or perhaps you are God himself come to do my worthless lives perhaps He's cursed This game has some serious problems if I can talk about how bad its audio mixing is Whoever is at the top of his command dies Colonel q sergeant Harvey, they're all dead Okay, but you are fighting an overwhelming alien invasion force that took over the world in seven hours That's not us You made a deal with the devil Okay, but why and how the fuck does your ship work after the bridge explodes? And can we talk about Mitchell scars did not Freeman just scratch it with his crowbar. Why? Then we get a lot of exposition over a black screen. Maybe there's a cutscene there. That just doesn't work maybe not but that black screen and narration lasts for over a minute before a title card that says three years later and that you're Going to Alaska to city nine wait, there are titles now This is act - does that say city seventeen? Aren't we going to City nine in Alaska? Fuck? Hey, bro Hey check this out snow goes on Snow goes off snow goes on Snow goes off and if you go to an area they don't want you to snow goes on until you're dead I had high hopes for this part But look at these textures Jesus not just that you spent so much time Sprinting to nowhere that I was relieved when antlion started showing up Not that you can't just sprint past them, but then then we get to the snipers who you can't kill you Just have to avoid them while crossing half the goddamn tundra But that wasn't enough because next we get these things if you hit this searchlight at all You basically get struck down by the hand of God This is another level I spent an hour playing and I tried everything I could not find where I needed to go well Actually I did but the game didn't register it you're supposed to go to this building here and I did but nothing happened So I looked at a walkthrough online and found out that I had to bring up the console right and change the level Manually, and that I could get inside the building This is about the time I decided to this game was completely unreleasable and that they should probably pull it from Steam my money is already lost but you the viewer and the rest of the gaming public can avoid this this game is Fundamentally broken and not just here up to this point the game crashed at least a dozen times And not just because I went to the console tried to get the gravity gun and have some fun This guy has a bunch of children that the combine enslaved and you're gonna free them all Temple of Doom style Except you're just freeing them so they can come onto your ship and become part of a rebel military Organization not the resistance mind you a completely separate mercenary group. You're basically a warlord kidnapping children. I Don't know if that's better. Okay, this Russian guy and his daughter are there and because he does stuff for the combine They let his daughter not be a slave. These characters are important later. I promise so now over a decade of time passes This is represented by Mitchell's hair being shorter They decide since the combine is finally gonna get around to draining the oceans that they should go to city 17 Maybe we might hunt down a freeman. This is my favorite map in the game because it lasts 10 goddamn seconds This is the wrong way And You're in city 17 the very first map of half-life 2 Repurposed you have no weapons and the combine seemingly out of nowhere starts attacking you because the game needs chase scene These guys You can climb certain ledges game does not tell you this what you have to do though is you have to holster your weapon first Before you can do this, there is a holster weapon command and the options but it isn't bound to a key So the developers not only do they not tell you about that You can't just find out intuitively you have to go with the options you fuck also I got to mention that you get captured by the combine. You have to get captured by the combine You have to stop and let one of them hit you with their stick Except this time they catch you would take you to this Russian guy from before who also made a deal with the g-man at some Point I know he send our mutual Friend wait, you know him know him he offered me a deal and When I refused to complete his deal he threatened me with my own daughter I'm not alone I have a ship and an army and I'm ready to hand over all of it to be placed under the combines command That is a rich offer indeed please Excuse me for a little while Jesus Christ this games actually gonna make me wait for this guy to go make a phone call. I'm not kidding I have to walk around this office for almost a minute before the next cutscene plays Thank you for your patience. Mr. Mitchell. Yeah, fuck you. Dr. Breen wanted me to inform you that he along with our Collaborators. He's impressed by your desire to hunt down Gordon Freeman Anyway, they know where Freeman is He's at Black Mesa East placing this into the timeline right around with Gordon Freeman gets the raven home in half-life 2 You know what? This is like it's a fucking mess. It's a fucking mess just like the other battle scenes I get out of Black Mesa East and end up at the top of this elevator Where a double-barreled shotgun flies at me like it's Thor's fucking hammer. That's appropriate a good double-barrel shotgun could save this game This one's not bad either. I'm surprised it doesn't take half an hour to reload and it's way more effective than the other shotgun. I Need a flashlight. It's too damned dark outside. Oh okay, now now you're gonna need a flashlight and he no joke duct tapes it to the end of the double-barreled shotgun so that you Can't have light unless you're using it and then it's back to spread to pass zombies in a terrible unintuitive Level where you go through a door that isn't locked as opposed to the three others that look just like it that are locked you Keep going and eventually you end up in the graveyard from the end of the Rabin home chapter a half-life 2 But still no Gordon Freeman you escape into a tomb and OH. Oh boy guys, I Tried to fix this I did I messed with the video settings I loaded to save I restarted the game and reloaded the save the next four maps the lighting is Completely broken. Holy shit. This is bad. Like guys just look You shoot a bunch of resistance fighters before you get out a Motorcycle that handles like ass and you drive to know of a prospect except driving this motorcycle through this load zone crashes the game I had to leave the bike and sprint through the tunnel the next area had two motorcycles sitting there So I didn't really have a problem which leads me to believe that the developers knew that this was a problem and just didn't fix It but then I drove into the next map and it crashed again. So I went through on foot and it was fine I'm just playing the game as intended guys. Are you telling me that your play testers never went through those tunnels on that fucking bike? Unfortunately, they didn't give me a bike at the start at Nova Prospekt So I had to fucking sprint there great Then Nova Prospekt is a long ass sprint through completely empty in uneventful rooms until you get to that part where Friedman teleports in half-life 2 except you just miss him and the building shakes and you shake and you have to navigate out through all of this Shit, you fall through a pipe and get washed into this void that's supposed to be water outside but then the cutscene starts and the resistance captured you and You're in a cell and Nova Prospekt And you have to run past these guys because you have no weapons Russian guys daughter helps you escape with then Adam Do you remember Adam he's back and he blows the brains out after you've had a very deep Discussion about heroes and villains ripped from the pages of a screenwriting 101 assignment and I remember you saving those children I always saw you as a hero after that day hero You're talking to a villain my dear a hero inside of me died many many years ago when I was young Isn't every villain a hero in their own story Not in this one But then Adam gets you out and then he locks you in a tunnel so you can walk out into a completely different area Where the Chi man is waiting so he can tell you it was actually Adam who fucked you up in black Mason like fifteen years Ago on G man's orders so that 15 years later He could get you to city 17 where you were going anyway, but then when you go after Freeman, but but with the G Man really wanted was for Adam to kill that guy's daughter a play but on you so the combine will split their forces Going after you one angry dude who lives on the ocean in Gordon Freeman But Gordon Freeman was just in the teleport and Nova Prospekt to the court you half-life 2 He and Alex are lost for two weeks. I think the teleport exploded just as we are porting out Indeed it did and the repercussions were felt far and wide but that was over a week ago And during that time the insurrection in city 17 happens. And so the carbines are gonna have their hands full with that I think so if they're splitting the forces up to go after Freeman and freeman isn't fuckin there He's lost a teleport live boat for two more weeks that makes this entire thing completely fucking pointless We're here finally It's the last level but don't think they won't drag it out you enter this door and you're magically teleported to this completely different Area and you have to fend off combine for 15 minutes so that Alex form I hate everything come and rescue you My best I Know what you're saying, man? And I have to put that in it's not a choice You can take care of the combine down here with these turrets pretty easily and you have to set up turrets downstairs But they won't help with the one and then two and then three Snipers that you have no way to kill and will always hit you but I don't care I have god mode We're almost done and I just stopped and sat in this room here while all this was happening Making notes for the video running the timer down and out of curiosity I wonder why I'm not getting flooded with soldiers and shot at and it looks like the turrets downstairs are working But no, it's not that These soldiers aren't coming through the doorway They took one of them out But they can't seem to get in but there's this one turret I place that isn't actually doing anything It's not firing at the combine at all, and they're still not coming in once the clock runs out The level fades out and the last cutscene plays and it's not too bad up to a point. It's kind of a cool Oh shit moment when Adam sees that Mitchell's alive, but then Mitchell just kills Adam in a cutscene makes lacy treat You used me You fucked up my face And now Bitch please. I I can explain you have my permission to die G-man flashes in and out because he's the architect of this thing that I charitably call a plan and Mitchell is like Turn the ship we're going to pour eons For those of you who are watching and you don't know what the borealis is Well, it's a big ship from aperture laboratories, you know The portal guys and it mysteriously disappeared because of experimental technology and you hear about it. When dr Mossman is looking for it at half-life 2 episode 2, but my question is how the fuck does Mitchell know about it? How would he possibly know about that? This was something so important to the resistance that we can assume Gordon and Alex were going after it after the events of episode 2 And Gordon and Alex are still gonna be lost for another two weeks and how does he know about it? How does he know where it is? Wait, hold on. There's still more I was almost finished with this shit and I found out there was a secret ending I missed it because I didn't even think to Die in the last level. I took some advice from someone. I trust it Bit me right in the ass and I didn't die which honestly with those snipers I would have I guess Mitchell deserved died So I could catch this sweet ending here What fuck Okay, we're gonna get in some brick-and-mortar shit here Meaning you're gonna think a terrible person on a comedy show has smart and insightful opinions about science and philosophy But here's what I think. I think we're looking at Gordon's from parallel dimensions And when I said Gordon didn't appear in this game now, I really look like an asshole cuz there's seven of him That's at least five more Gordon's than I was expecting this one He died in the test chamber this guy eaten by a bull squid shortly after the experiment This one got killed by one of these tentacles this one also a tentacle this dude blew up in a microwave accident shortly before the experiment this one fell off the side of a cliff this other one got past the first Platforming sections and sinned and killed himself, but this isn't the main attraction kids because while this is dumb and makes no sense We also have this Adrián We didn't just get Freeman. We got Adrienne Shepard from half-life opposing force. Well, I guess it's also Mitchell's long-lost, brother He was in the first cutscene, but I didn't think it was important because it was never mentioned again. What an idiot I am It's Adrienne Shepard who isn't a fucking character because he's a silent protagonist with no definable traits You know what Adrienne Shepards face looks like it looks like a fucking gas mask. It's hideous. Mitchell is listed The credits is Mitchell Shepard I just assumed Mitchell was his last name I'd say this was sequel bait But I think they should finish this game first and also hunt down the shepherd. He's right there game over You shouldn't have released this it's broken. It's nonsensical. It's cobbled together from a hundred different places without any thought towards making it cohesive It's like Freddy Krueger It's the bastard son of a hundred maniacs, even if you fixed the bugs There are deliberate design decisions in this game that are implemented as intended it like the terrible and completely Unbalanced combat sections the meandering and unintuitive levels. It is inexcusable to sell a game That actually requires me to cheat in order to complete it and I'm not even talking about god mode I'm talking about no clipping through invisible walls because the scripting is broken or having to change some maps of the console or the entire Lighting system shitting itself for a few maps didn't valve play this what the fuck was valve doing This is the worst thing I've ever played for this fairly young channel, but by god It deserves the fires of hell for charging money for this shit
