Zoltan Kaszas: White Lies - Full Special

it's nice to be back it's nice to be doing comedy in front of people again uh during the lockdown i was still doing comedy i was doing comedy on zoom the meeting app yeah that should have been illegal while they were banning things yeah i was doing comedy on that i was doing what i'm doing right now except in my living room sitting on my couch doing comedy into my laptop screen and i'll be honest with you if that's what comedy was when i started i would have gone to college all right i would have been let's see what books have in store because this isn't for me you know i was doing comedy in my living room here's something you may not know about comedians but if we bomb at a venue we just don't go back to that venue okay there's plenty of bars and restaurants i bombed in coming up i've never stepped foot back into because they hurt my heart all right in fact when i drive by i flip them off so they know they know i'm not over but during the pandemic i was bombing in a place i pay to live at so i can't even leave for at least 30 days and the next morning i'd have to wake up and make coffee and just look like yup that's where i lost my dignity right over there ten paces that away and i tried to make the best of it i asked everyone to put their microphones on so you can hear the laughter it's very important to hear laughs when you do comedy because comedy without laughter just sounds like i'm reading a manifesto all right it's very important to hear the hahaha because if you don't you're like i feel like we're supposed to report this this is not okay yeah i remember i did two company christmas parties a couple decembers ago on zoom the first one was at one in the afternoon which that also should have been illegal you can't do comedy at one in the afternoon all right the sun's out god's watching it's not where it's meant to be it's meant to be in a pizza shop like in dark quarters this is how comedy is meant to be but i'm doing a company christmas party on zoom at one in the afternoon i asked everyone to put their microphones on so i could hear the laughter and there's a lady i could tell by her voice is a little bit older she doesn't have her screen on it just says nancy on the screen but i could tell by her voice a little bit older she had her microphone on and i think she forgot it was on because like two minutes into my set i hit a big punch line and everybody laughed and for a millisecond i'm like okay this feels normal this feels good as soon as the laughter died down nancy doesn't realize her microphone's on goes i don't know how much more of this i can take i gotta get to costco and that got a bigger laugh than whatever the hell i just said and i still had 45 more minutes to do so i'm just sitting on my couch sweating going damn you nancy really taking the wind out of my sails such a bummer that wasn't even the worst i had it i had a second company christmas party that same day i don't know if you've ever been on a zoom meeting but when you're talking you're the big square and my audience was their little squares right here and i had an audience member leave my show by just closing their laptop screen do you get why that hurts extra like does that make sense she could have hit a button disappeared left me in wonder like oh maybe her wi-fi went out but she just closed her laptop screen in the middle of me doing the only thing i'm good at and i just had to watch that and i was the only one that saw and i had to keep doing comedy and i'm like man i hope we go back to normal we did it's good to be back man it's nice i uh vaccinated i don't care if you are i want to make that clear i know that's such a distinction i'm bad are you boosted yeah i got all of them but well do you care what i i don't care what you have i don't i got facts i uh nothing crazy happened to me my poor fiance ended up having a panic attack during the second shot it wasn't her fault she actually had a nurse that told her hey it's my first time ever given the vaccine which i don't work in the medical field but that sounds like day one stuff that sounds like stuff you learn day one you don't tell anyone it's your first day doing anything you lie to that person and you go you're in luck i'm the greatest there's ever been but that's not who she had she had someone just shooting syringes off going it's my first time giving the vaccine like a yosemite sam just bang bang bang let's get it going my fiance is like what and then she stuck her with it and then she pulled it out and left her thumb on her arm for an uncomfortably long time like long enough for her to go uh is everything okay and she's like what yeah everything's great uh you're just bleeding a lot more than we expected and then she called over to a nurse she's like do you have that gauze just bring the whole box and they wrapped her up with like a civil war wound on her arm and they sent her off to the quarantine area and we couldn't sit next to each other it was full like this and so now she's texting me everything i just told you guys and my response was hey listen that sucks i'm so sorry that happened to you but you're gonna be fine you're gonna be okay just don't let it go to your head if it goes to your head then you won't be okay she's like you're absolutely right i won't let it go to my head and i'm like that's my girl and then about three minutes later she texts me she's like it's in my head and i'm like are you all right and she's like no i'm dying and i was like that's fast all right i thought this would have taken longer but the hero that i am i sprung out of my seat i'm like i'm gonna get help i ran up to the first person who looked important he had a lanyard i'm like excuse me my fiancee's dying the vaccine did it bring everybody cause i know how to get help you have to yell fire and i yelled fire and that guy brought everybody he brought a doctor a nurse like a third guy in a suit i don't know who that guy was i think he was just a pr guy for moderna because he kept very loudly saying to my fiancee no no ma'am you felt like this before you got here just to calm everybody else down because everyone's looking at her going what's in this stuff we also took a wheelchair from an elderly person that also happened that also happened there was one wheelchair in this entire vaccination site and they ran up to her and they're like man you got to figure your legs out because this girl needs it we booted a senior citizen from her wheelchair we even had the doctor take her blood pressure and the doctor goes wow your blood pressure's really low you're about to faint and i'm like what is the matter with you lie this isn't the time for the truth why would you tell someone they're about to faint lie to him go yeah things are looking good what no no i'm not bracing for anything you're doing great lie to him but this guy's like you're about to faint my fiance is like i feel it is she just melting into her seat it took like a half hour and three bottles of water but she finally started feeling better and the doctor goes hey listen we don't like to call it this in the medical field but you had what they refer to as a panic attack perfectly fine who's in your head you can go home and on the way home she's like man i'm so embarrassed i had a panic attack in front of all those strangers i'm like you shouldn't be embarrassed about that that wasn't your fault all right same thing would have happened to me if i sat down that nurse was like it's my first time ever given the vaccine i would have been like uh no it won't be cause i'll wait i'll wait for anybody else anybody else i don't care if they're a nurse i'd rather a junkie from under the bridge give me my vaccine is there anyone here with some experience with needles i'd rather a junkie from under the bridge that's like what a shot i got you baby and then just stick me with it i'll walk them through it i'll be like you can put your belt back on all right we're not we're not listening to jazz right now we're just getting the vaccine how's my vaccine story it's weird it's fun that we hate each other over it it's a weird one i had a buddy of mine get mad at me he goes why the hell did you get that vaccine i was honest with him i was like i got the vaccine because i don't know anything all right i didn't go to college i graduated high school with a 2.75 gpa i'm not smart i'm not dumb i'm a regular just a regular guy and some nerds popped up on my tv and they're like you should get the vaccine i'm like okay that's the end of the reason my buddy's like why the hell did you get that vaccine i'm like the nerds didn't you hear the nerds he's like yeah i heard the nerds but i also listened to a jiu jitsu podcast and they recommended i reconsidered and i was like fine i went with the nerds you went with the jiu jitsu guy why are we fighting that's the part i didn't understand why are we arguing about it you know i thought we talked about it some more and i'm like you know what i totally get why like a ufc fighter wouldn't want the vaccine i get it cause i've never assaulted a man in my underwear but it must make you feel amazing can you imagine the self-esteem that must build to assault another man in his underwear and he both trained eight weeks for that moment and you beat him up so bad a third man had to run in and go please stop you're gonna kill him and then when he did 20 000 people in an arena went ah you ever seen a ufc fighter after a win he looks like a spartan after a battle his eyes genitals are vibrating and then that guy goes home with that self-esteem turns on the news and some nerd on there is like you better get the vaccine because there's a virus that might make you go until you die he's like well not me did you see what i just did to that man i think i'll be okay and i agree i think he will be okay but me i need the vaccine i need it i know it because one time i turned too quickly we got any quick turners in here i was at a comedy club i was in the back i went to turn there's a waitress in my blind spot almost knocked into i had to stop and when i stopped i pulled a muscle in my neck that went down to my shoulder and for the next two weeks when i was driving i had to change lanes based on faith all right i had to decide how badly i needed to get to that walmart and i'm like here we go [Applause] i need the vaccine i don't have the genetic makeup to survive this thing i just don't have 34 man i'm 34. this is the first year i've noticed that my body's changing 34 isn't old i'm not trying to say it is it's just the first year i've noticed you know it's first year i've noticed 34 has been the first year i've noticed that i can ruin an entire day if i have too much lunch am i alone on this like if i finish that entire plate at noon we gotta cancel the rest of the day cause i gotta go lay down i did not realize how much cheese was on that burger and i have to lay down for a while it's just changing i love craft beer i can have one craft beer i can have one i can have one craft beer if i have two i have to run home to use the bathroom all right and my friends are like they have a bathroom here not for what i'm about to do get the hell out of my way all right they don't have what i need at this brewery with one toilet vacate the premise so good man i don't know i spent a lot of the pandemic working on myself i don't know if you can tell i've been working on my posture trying to stand up straight you know only reason i'm doing that is because i was scrolling instagram and they had an ad asking if you were slouching and i was i was on there like are you slouching right now and i looked in the mirror and sure enough i was like this and i'm like how close are you watching me what they're trying to do is sell you these rubber bands that go around your shoulders and they make you stand like a guy that you hate you know these dudes you know these dudes with like too much posture they just come into every room just shoulders and adam's apple sometimes named trevor may or may not run a crossfit gym i'm not trying to get too specific but you know it's almost about these rubber bands because i want to stand up straight but then i remembered i have mental strength i can just remind myself stand up straight so that's what i started doing before i leave the house i look in the mirror and go all right zoltan tits up here we go full marvelous mrs maisel let's get it going you know what i learned from standing up straight standing up straight hurts my back right now there's pain in my spine right where all the bones meet very uncomfortable you know what feels good this right here this right here has never hurt me once never once have i been like this going oh we gotta straighten out i think this is where we're supposed to be you know who i think had it right that dude in the middle of the evolutionary chart you know what i'm talking about the cavemen on one end there's a jude crawling at the other end the trevor just walking all up right but if you look in the middle there's just a dude with a healthy slouch i think that's where we're supposed to be and we over corrected [Music] that's where you're supposed to be look out for this posture make friends with this guy this is a good dude this is the posture of a good man this man will pick you up from the airport yeah he'll be early he'll have starbucks ready this is a good guy this dude he will try to sleep with your girlfriend when you're gone on that trip he has way too much confidence i'm not gonna i'm not gonna worry about standing up straight i'm not gonna live up to instagram standards spinal cords mine has a bit of a hitch in it that's the way it's gonna be you know cause i'm body positive i love the body positivity movement i don't know if you guys know what the body positivity movement is but if you don't it's where your body sucks but you love it anyway what a genius idea why did that take so long to become something it makes so much sense just love your body okay well that guy's got a better one yeah well you're not him so you better love yours makes so much sense love your body i wish it was around when i was younger i wish it was around when i was a chubby 12 year old wearing a t-shirt in the pool i could have used some body positivity then i thought i looked slim and you know i didn't that was the chubbiest i ever looked i would just step out of that pool that shirt hugging my voluptuous curves not anymore i was at the beach last week i took my shirt off i don't care if my nipples don't match i'm out there all right body positivity my only critique of body positivity and i think it will evolve over time but i hope one day body positivity can move north to include the face i don't know if you guys have noticed body positivity seems to cut off right around here from here down you need to love your body that's your body from here up oh yeah you gotta fix that you're like why it's totally connected no it isn't don't mess with your face you guys you have a beautiful face your face tells your story okay two people came together they made love and this is the receipt this is what you got i like it only a few you left everyone else is like my parents are ugly you should shut up if i want to iron out some of these dents and divots i will man live your life thank you i like that that was good appreciate it [Applause] i don't know i spent a lot of the pandemic working on me standing up straight slouching everything i started going to therapy a few months ago anyone go to therapy in here a couple people right in the front you taking it or teaching it which one are you taking it all right it's very important to figure out which end of the couch you know i'm on your side of the couch i'm new at it i've only been going for a few months but i started going to therapy when i made the realization that this what i'm doing right now this is how i prefer to share my feelings this is how i prefer to share my thoughts and feelings i prefer to be elevated and illuminated and amplified and i like it to be frowned upon if you interrupt me [Applause] that's that's where i feel comfortable and once i made that realization i'm like i gotta run this by somebody because that doesn't sound normal that sounds like the making of a narcissist as i started going to therapy if you've never been to therapy i can explain it like this going to therapy is like going to a job interview where you have to be honest imagine that imagine going to a job interview you can't do those little lies you know those little lies like what's your biggest flaw i care too much you know those little dumb eyes you do like oh you're gonna have to kick me out at five i'm a company man imagine going into that same job interview but being honest walking in and just going oh yeah i'm just taking this until anything else comes along two-week notice no we're not doing that that's what going to therapy is like going to therapy is like going to a job interview where you have to be honest except at the end of the interview they never tell you if you got the job like the first time i went i came home my fiance was like how was it i'm like i don't think i got it but i have another interview next week so we're gonna we're gonna figure this out talk about a lot of things therapy we talked about depression i have what i like to call a healthy level of depression and just right here just enough to keep me humble and likeable just a regular guy you ever meet someone who could use a little depression you know what i mean just those obnoxiously positive people every day is an opportunity like he could use a sprinkling of depression carpe diem he could use a dusting of depression he could use a parking ticket on a rainy day he could use something to bring him down you know i have a healthy level of depression like i would never kill myself but i would like to die naturally soon [Applause] i don't think there's anything wrong with that like i wouldn't do it but can we pick a day tell me where to be yeah it's a healthy level of depression like if i was on a plane and it was going down i'd scream but i wouldn't be the loudest you know i'd scream enough so no one got suspicious that i'm the reason it's going down but i wouldn't be dramatic about it you know just a healthy level it's important i'm glad we're getting back to normal i missed it i missed everything about it i missed traveling i missed hotels oddly enough i love staying at a hotel i stay at them a lot i'm a marriott bon boy titanium elite member not trying to flex on you guys but when i check into a hotel i get a free bottle of water the rest of you that's five dollars but for me i stayed at 100 marriott properties in a calendar year so that's the privilege i earned i love it i love my statuses cause that's all i have i never went to college i don't have a diploma on the wall to show you that i know what i'm doing you know all i have are my little statuses i'm a delta platinum medallion member i'm a national rental car just take it guys that's not the official term but that's essentially what it is i don't go to the counter i just get in the car like i'm stealing it and i leave i'm a bank of america preferred member yeah you don't know what that one means that means if you and me go to bank of america they prefer to see mate all right like they're cool with you being there they're not gonna kick you out right away but they're pumped to see me they're like hell yeah zoltan's here this is our guy get those free pens ready but i've only been a bank of america a preferred member for the last couple of years but i've been with bank of america since 2003 when i got my first job and for the first 15 years bank of america used to charge me 12 a month because i didn't make enough money and i used to call them up and i'd be like hey can you quit charging me 12 bucks a month and they're like we have to you don't have enough money and i'm like you realize how counterproductive this is right like not insane and they're like yeah it's our policy we just have to do it that's crazy that's like if you went to the doctors with a broken arm and he's like ah i'm gonna have to kick you in the nuts are you sure yeah it's our policy i just gotta right up the center there well then will you fix my arm no no it's staying how it is but now i'm a preferred member so they don't charge me the 12 bucks a month anymore and now one of the perks of being a preferred member is i can stick my debit card into any atm and they don't charge me the service fee okay so now that's the only place i stick my debit card anytime i see an atm that doesn't say bank of america on like my eyes light up like suck on that right there it's gonna take a while but i'm gonna make up for 15 years worth of 12 a month fees bank of america messes the wrong man all right they didn't think i was going to turn this franchise around but here we are if you ever read in the news the bank of america's going out of business look no further all right i put them down 20 at a time yeah i love it i love checking into hotels i like the familiarity of you walk in they go what's your name and he goes zoltan castles and they go ah we were expecting you and you're like i know i made the reservation and i give you the keys and the water and i dance off to my room yeah i love the familiarity every once in a while though i'll check in and there's like a sad guy working behind the counter and there's more conversation than needs to be you know i was doing the show in phoenix earlier in the year and i checked into the hotel and the guy's like uh what's your name and i'm like it's all dances it's like oh we were expecting you i know i made the reservation and he goes what brings you to phoenix and i'm like oh no that's not part of this at all that's not part of this at all but anytime someone asks what brings me to town i always want to look him in the eyes and goes nefarious activities how do you feel about that do you want to be an accomplice how into this do you want to be because what brings you to phoenix i just go work work you can tell by the way i said that it was just a dot work period not dot dot like there's more text to come we're done with the conversation he goes what do you do for work and i'm like you son of a let's get in dude here's something you need to know about me i have wavering confidence some days my confidence is high i'll tell you i'm a stand-up comedian other days it's low that day it was low because i just driven through the desert for six hours i'm wearing sweatpants my hair is messed up i don't want to tell this guy i'm a comedian because by the looks of it it's not going well all right so he goes what do you do for work and i just blurted out computers and as soon as i said it i'm like damn nothing sounds less like i work with computers than just blurting out the word computers he's gonna need more that's not gonna end it right there's no way that sounds like i don't even know how to plug it in that sounds like i work inside of a computer like from the 50s like yeah i changed the oil on computers they're the size of rooms you know man he goes what do you do with computers and i'm like i don't what i'm trying to remember everything like every job and i can't think of one so now i'm thinking of everything i do with a computer and none of it's a job okay everything i do with computers it's like emails social media fantasy football nothing and he actually helps me he's like do you work in i.t and i'm like that's exactly what i do i work in i.t and he goes what company do you work for and i'm like i'm gonna burn the building to the ground this is what i'm gonna do have you ever lied so much you felt the need to let out a little bit of the truth just so you can look in the mirror at the end of the day that's where i was at so he was like what company do you work for i was like i'm self-employed right a little bit of the truth but not all of it right and he goes i didn't know you could do that in i.t and i'm like well ta-da it's happening right in front of you self-employed i.t guy and then he goes i've always been interested in getting into that and i'm like i will drown you in a bucket if you don't give me my key i'm kidding i didn't say that instead i just stared at him without blinking until he slipped the key over and then i walked back to the lobby and my fiancee was waiting for me she's like what took so long i'm like i don't know if for some reason i told the guy working computers and now i feel like there's gonna be a resume slid under our door for a company i don't actually have you know i think if i would have told him i was a comedian it would have ended the conversation i think that would have been the quickest thing if i just walked in disheveled what brings you to phoenix i'm a stand-up comedian i would have moved it along i would have rather that situation than what i had the next night the next night i was performing in tucson arizona at hotel congress which is like a historic hotel that some hipsters bought and they've turned it into like a music venue and like a coffee shop and a bar and it was still a hotel upstairs and a couple weeks before i was set to do the show they emailed me and they're like hey since you're coming out to perform would you like a complimentary hotel room i was like absolutely that's so nice of you and then we showed up and it's a historic hotel like when we checked in they gave us a key like a real like feel free to put that on your cell phone it's not going to do anything key and i'm like oh we're in for something because i have never stayed at a hotel with the key before i'm like this is okay and then we go in it's a historic hotel all right it's all it's just a room with a bed and a desk and a window that's it there's no tv no nothing and my fiance starts googling the hotel and she finds out that hotel congress is one of the most haunted hotels in all of america and now i'm like wow that hospitality not so hospitable anymore now is it i see why you had some vacancies and my fiance is googling the hotel and it's apparently very haunted like each room has its own wikipedia entry almost like oh in room 238 there's a woman that just stands at the foot of your bed in room 240 your bed may levitate above the ground in room 245 the mobster john dillinger was shot and killed and i'm like quit reading you're getting close to our room i don't want to know so that night we do the show we come back to the hotel we're trying to sleep but we can't sleep we've done too much research you know so we're just over there pretending to sleep and there's no tv usually the tv is my defense against ghosts like if i'm staying right you think a room's haunted you leave tv on that's what i do i leave sportscenter on because in my mind that keeps the ghosts away like if they come by they're like oh he's not sleeping he's still watching sports highlights and then they float off to the next room that's my defense you know but this room didn't have a tv so it's just me and my fiance in a tiny bed like this where we're pretending to sleep but no one's sleeping okay every five minutes we're like did you hear that what was that was that you was that me tell me this was doing all night and then at three in the morning we heard a very loud cough very loud wet just just an unvaccinated car it was so loud and it was weird i couldn't tell what year it came from like it could have came from 100 years ago it could have came from this year i also couldn't tell where it came from it came from everywhere and nowhere all at the same time could have came from outside or the room behind us or right next to the bed and after i heard that wet cough i felt someone standing on my side of the bed right here and my defense to that as a 34 year old man was to close my eyes tighter [Applause] because i didn't hear a door opener closed so clearly whatever's over here i can't fistfight so i was just laying here and i just hurt and i went i'm making none of this story up after i go i feel a pressure here on my hip and then it goes right there and it gave me three how do you do's and at that point i'm trying to scream my fiance's name but it's like a horror movie i have no voice in my throat her name's emma it should be the easiest name on the planet to scream but i have nothing in my voice i'm trying to say emma but all that's coming out is [Applause] and then finally i get it together i go emma and i throw the blanket she wakes up she goes what happened are you okay did you have a bad dream i'm like it was no dream i was just molested by a ghost she's like are you serious i'm like yes i'm serious i'm like did you hear that wet cough and she's like yeah i'm like i think he did it she's like are you serious i'm like yeah give me three how do you do's and i asked him like did you touch me she's like no my hands are over here she's like did you touch yourself and i'm like no my hands are up here this guy gave me three pumps and she goes oh my god we have to report it to who who do you report that to am i supposed to find the ghost of a dead sheriff who do you report that to oh yeah we've been looking for him for years can't keep him locked up no one's willing to take the stand everything i told you in that story was true and it was terrifying and we didn't go back to sleep after that clearly we just laid in bed waited for the sun to come up and then we skedaddled and that happened the first week of january here we are in april and i've been obsessed with those all right clearly i used to never be a ghost guy but now i'm in obviously i've been touched right i am into that world now that is what i do so now i'm obsessed with ghosts i watch all the documentaries i read all the blogs and i learn you know i know now like my fiance and i are trying to buy a house we're on zillow anytime i see a house with a price cut i'm like that's cause there's a demon in that house we're not even looking at it he might attach ourselves and then we got to bring a medium over some weird hairs got to play with a ouija board to get rid of it we're not doing any of that main thing i learned about ghosts is that they're not always scaring you you know they're not always just jumping out going booga booga hey how do you like that they're not always doing that usually they're just hiding watching you when you think you're alone you think you're alone at home just dancing to spotify butt naked you're not or someone there just once i made that realization i remembered what my fiance and i did in that room when we first checked in so earlier that day i worked out at the hotel gym in phoenix and it was an early morning workout i was very sweaty and we went straight to breakfast afterwards i didn't have time to shower so i just dried naturally in the desert air and that gave me a bit of a chaffey taint all right just a little bit of a just don't you dare pull back on me right now like don't even act like i'm the only one in history that's ever had a little situation down there that dry desert air a little bit of moisture some wind went up there and it got weird all right and so when we checked into the hotel in tucson i was like i asked emma i'm like hey did you bring the vaseline and she's like yeah i got it she's like what's wrong and i'm like i got a bit of a rashy tank because i dried naturally in the desert air and i need it because i got to perform for the good people at tucson i can't go out there the way i am they're going to know that i'm not as smooth as i usually am you know they're gonna know that there's a stutter in my gate that something's matter and she's like don't worry baby i got you get naked hop on the bed so i did i ripped all my clothes off i jumped on the bed and i'm laying there holding my toes in i believe it's called a happy baby position for all you yogi's out there so i'm just holding my toes and then my fiance the love of my life that she is the partner that she is my confidant she dabbed me up with a little bit of vaseline because that's what love looks like sometimes all right it's not always walking hand in hand down the beach as the sun is setting sometimes you're going lift it and then but now knowing that what i know looking back on that situation while she's lubing me up there's probably the ghost of john dillinger in the corner that's why i don't go to heaven right there you don't see that kind of action on the other side of the pearly gates gotta be right here on planet earth for that kind of money [Music] thanks so much for laughing at all that i've had some audiences now laugh at that whole chunk and that is hard i talk about the ghosts i talk about the taint and they just stare at me like none of that will we relate to it's hard it's nice it's nice it's nice to be back i i don't know i'm trying to figure my life that you know i'm 34 turning 35 next month and i don't know i want to like i'm a renter you know that's where i'm at any renters out there clap it up if you rent yeah those are my people right here that's good homeowners let me hear you homeowners hey all right and that right there uh those are the two political parties in america right now a lot of people think it's republicans and democrats it is not it is homeowners and filthy renters filthy not getting their deposit back renters and high falutin one percenter homeowners and they make us hate each other meanwhile bank of america stays quiet in the corner but i'm a renter i want to be a homeowner i want to have those confident claps did you hear those claps those are some good you heard the pop in them those were confident those came from well-moisturized hands right there didn't it i want that did you hear the renter claps a little dusty all right those are some sandy claps i want to be a homeowner i want to be a homeowner just so i can say that sentence so i can look someone in the eye and go get off my property i think that's the best part of being a homeowner looking at someone just going get off my property because you can't say that confidently as a renter you know because you don't know he may know the landlord someone who walks into my front yard i gotta go out there and be like uh do you know shafiq and depending on his answer i gotta readjust my attack i wanna i wanna own i don't know if it's gonna happen i feel like i'm at a real crossroads in my life where one or the other could happen it's a real coin toss like i was doing a show in la jolla and i was driving through and i was looking at all these mansions i'm fantasizing i'm like you know i could see comedy maybe one day getting to a level or i could live in one of the big ass houses and later that day i was driving through my neighborhood and i watched a homeless man beating a bird scooter with a stick and i'm like i could also see that happening just as clearly like it's one or the other and i really don't know what it's gonna be but no matter what it is i'm gonna have a lot of passion all right if i have a mansion i'm coming out of there and a bedazzled robe wooing like ric flair if i'm homeless i will also be wooing just without the bedazzled row same energy different attire that's all that matters we've got a big homeless issue down where i live i live down in the kensington neighborhood we had a big homeless issue we talked about it on the next door app i don't know if you guys are on the next door app but that's the app where you find out you hate the neighbor you've never met like i didn't even know that guy but now i do and i hate him but we argue about the homeless problem every all the time we're like whose fault is it it's your fault my fault is their fault i don't think it's anyone's fault it's like we all forgot playing monopolies children that's all that's going on out there remember like later in the monopoly game remember like an hour into a monopoly game there'd be one guy killing it another guy doing okay a third one hanging on and then your uncle just walking around in the kitchen looking for something to eat because he already ran out of money that's all that's going on out there they're all just walking around looking for somebody because they ran out of money and they're looking at us waiting for us to join them but we're still at the board game looking at them going good lord come on bitcoin here we go i don't want to live in a van unless i have to want it to be by choice but it's bad where i live they're like right outside my front door i open my door there's a homeless dude it makes me wonder like how good are we doing you know i turn to my fiance i'm like are we homeless she's like no we're good i'm like are you sure because they're right there like the only thing between us is a we moved into a nice place and as soon as we moved in my fiance was like hey i want you to buy a security system for the house so i can feel safe when you travel and that was the first time i found out that she felt safe when i was home i had no idea i was like you feel safe when i'm at home she's like yeah and i'm like stop it you cut it out i don't feel safe when i'm at home she's like yeah we should get this ring doorbell system so i looked it up and we bought it we spent 800 on a three-camera shoot of me coming home that's all the video i have i have some great footage of me entering the premises and every video is the same it's me opening the front gate and then my phone starts buzzing saying there's movement at your front door there's movement and the only video i have is me yelling at my phone going it's me 800 you can't learn my face learn my face the chinese know my face through tick tock why can't you learn my face but they don't know we're also on the neighbors app if you have the ring doorbell system you know that it comes with this neighbors app and that's where people post videos of crimes that the ring doorbell didn't prevent it's the worst commercial for their own products they could have ever come up with it's just video after video of hey look at it not working every video is the same it's a strange man walking right up to the door looking right into the camera picking up an amazon package shaking it a little bit and then walking off and everyone has the nerve to put that video on the app and they go does anyone know this man this man stole my amazon package does anyone know this man i always want to respond and go no nobody knows anyone who steals amazon packages honestly if you know someone who steals amazon packages you also steal amazon packages no one knows someone who does that on the side you're either in the syndicate or you aren't nobody nobody's gonna look at that and go like oh yeah that's bill uh he doesn't have his kids on saturdays so he likes to troll the neighborhood looking for early christmas gifts he's a hoot i finally got to uh take my fiancee emma to introduce her to my mom i didn't see her for 13 months because of the pandemic i was trying to protect her but that's not how she took it i don't know if anyone's parents were like my mom but she would call me up she's like zola are you coming over for thanksgiving dina and i'm like no mom there's a worldwide pandemic she's like okay if you don't feel comfortable you don't have to come and i'm like it's not about me i'm fine i just don't want to hurt you she's like i understand if you don't feel comfortable you don't feel comfortable and i'm like i'm fine i'm trying to protect you she's like i get it you're a you're a it's totally that is who you are right now you don't want to visit your mother you don't visit your mom that's who she is my mom's a great lady i'm not trying to cast aspersions about her she's a lovely woman i actually tried to get her to retire a couple years ago the comedy was going well and i was like hey mom why don't you retire and she's like i can't i have to keep working and i'm like how much money do you need a month and she told me and i'm like i can give you that and she goes oh you don't have a job [Applause] and i was like woody i'm a comedian and she goes my mom doesn't believe that this is a job in my mom's eyes she comes from communist hungry if your name isn't sewn on your t-shirt you're a carny all right here's running some kind of a scam but i finally got to take my fiance over and over to the trailer park and introduce her to my mom my mom gave her a tour of the trailer and she showed her my baby pictures on the wall i had some baby pictures from uh from hungary where i'm naked on the bed and everything's showing but the photo is folded at the waist you can't see anything and you can't tell that the photos folded in the frame but for some reason my mom felt the need to explain to my fiance that i'm naked in that photo and she goes emma you have to understand in my culture we show the penis okay that is our culture we're like oh it's a boy let me see the oh that's very good it's a good ah that's a good one but then we moved to america everybody pedophile so i have to fold the photo [Applause] that was the first conversation my fiance had it with my mother i was just standing there going welcome to the family you're gonna like it here i don't know i had a lot of big goals before the pandemic started a lot of big goals like i early 2019 i was single and i was like i think i'm ready to be a dad that was a real thought that i had because i'm like i'm a delta platinum medallion member time to share my knowledge you know the next generation but i was single but i'm like you know what i was raised by a single mom i'm used to that that's how i was raised it's easy it's simpler it's not easier it's double the work but it's simpler you don't have to bounce any punishments off anybody you know i was raised by a tiny hungarian lady in the 90s she would bust into my room and she'd be like if you don't finish your homework i throw sega genesis out and there wasn't another adult there to go actually those are pretty expensive we should reconsider she just went ahead and threw my sega genesis out the window and i like that kind of freedom and parenting you know so i was like i want to be a single dad but then i very quickly found out you can't just start as a single dad that has to happen organically somehow you can't just start as a single dad like i can't just go to the orphanage and pick up a kid i know they don't call him that anymore but you know what i mean the uh you know the children's humane society whatever they call it i can't go over there and be like hey can i get one of the kids and they'd be like not only no but now you're not a lot of parks how do you feel about that oh that's a bummer a little discriminatory if you ask me i still want to be a dad mainly because i got to see my mom and i i remembered how much my mom loves my brother and i my mom loves my brother and i unconditionally and what i mean by that is she would rather lie to us and spare our feelings and tell us the truth and i think that's the right way to parent you know shut up with the truth all the time lie a little bit okay like i have a younger brother he just turned 21 he still has two parakeets from his childhood and he thinks those are the original ones and he's very happy all right he is so pumped about his guinness book of world record parakeets here's what happened when my when my brother was in the third grade my mom got him two parakeets his first pet but at the same time she was taking care of a street cat outside and one day well you know you see where this is going one day while he's in school and she's at work that cat snuck in ate my brother's birds all right and she came home from work 30 minutes earlier she saw what happened there's feathers everywhere there's feathers in the cat's mouth and there's nothing left the birds are gone there's nothing left but two severed parakeet heads at the bottom of the cage and i know right now you're like why would you leave that part of the story and that seems unnecessary well it's a key plot point and it's coming up right now she looked at the situation she looked at her watch and she's like i got about a half hour before he gets home from school so she scooped up the heads in a sandwich bag and ran off to a pet store so she could match him and she called me after the fact and i'm like are you insane and she's like what are you talking about i'm like you ran into a pet store with your severed heads in a sandwich bag going i need two of these stat and she's like of course not i kept him in my jacket so apparently my tiny hungarian mother went into a pet store with several parakeet heads in a ziploc bag in her coat and when the employee was like which birds would you like ma'am she was like those two and she brought him home stuffed him in the cage and swarmed me to secrecy that's the kind of family i want to raise beautiful family i mentioned my brother's 21. we have a big age difference 13 years and i've realized looking back at it the woman that raised me and the woman that raised my brother two very different women all right i was raised in the 90s i was raised on hot pockets and jerry springer that's what i was raised on i would come home from school there'd be a hot pocket waiting there and jerry springer would be on and she'd make me watch it with her because she thought it was education all right she realized i was growing up without a father she didn't want me to be naive to the world she's like i want you to watch so i'd watch i'd watch and learn i'd watch a little person fist fight a nun and no matter what happened on the episode my mom thought it was a good show because at the end of every episode jerry would go uh remember everybody love yourselves and each other and my mom would be like you see he's a good man that's how i was raised all right i cut you a few years later my brother comes along my mom's a different woman you know no more hot pockets in the house she's health conscious now there's kale and she bought that juicer from the guy with the eyebrows and no more jerry springer now she's watching oprah and dr phil dr oz whatever they're selling she's buying like i don't know if you guys remember but like 10 years ago people stopped using deodorant for a minute because they said deodorant might cause cancer so instead people started using a holistic rock it was just a rock it did nothing and you rubbed it under your pits and your close family and friends had to lie to you that's what it was well my mom got heavy into that at the same time my poor brother hit puberty all right yeah and i found yeah during the great deodorant ban at the trailer park and i found out while we were at the movies our thing was to watch the marvel's movies so we're sitting there and i'm just sitting there going i was like what it smells like sweet death in here what is that you guys remember being 12 that's the smelliest you've ever been in your life everyone smells like an onion patch at that age and i looked at him i'm like is that you and he's like yeah and i'm like what happened you didn't shower and he goes i showered i'm like he didn't put deodorant on he was like or not i'm like what the hell did you use and he goes the holistic rock and i'm like that doesn't work and he's like oh i'm well aware and i go you go to school smelling like that he's like yeah and i get picked on every day and that hurt my heart because i know how many middle school kids are and i'm like no more as soon as that movie was over we went straight to his cvs and bought him a six-pack old spice and we had to smuggle it into my mother's house like it was marijuana and i showed him where to hide it under his mattress and then for the next four years i became my brother's deodorant dealer where he would just text me i'm out and i'm like i'm on it and i would just show up with deodorant in a dirty brown bag and throw it through his window as i wave to my mother on the way out that's the kind of family i want to raise you know my mom and i never told my brother about his parachutes my brother and i never told her about the deodorant i have no idea what they're keeping from me and we're all happy thanksgiving now is smooth if we do catch each other's eye we just go right there you guys are fun man i don't know i know the last couple years has been hard but i always try to look at the positive side of it during the pandemic i got into a lot of new things things that i still stick with first thing i got into during the pandemic was edibles they were great never really done them before but now they're like they're legal and i'm like let me give them a gander yeah they're wonderful i can't believe they were ever illegal it's just a little gummy bear and you put it in and you feel joy for no reason just from your heart you feel joy next thing you know you're giggling by yourself in the kitchen on a tuesday afternoon and your fiance comes by and goes what are you laughing at you go ha what it's great the other thing we got into was murder documentary murder documentaries on netflix we got heavy into murder documentaries on netflix i've watched so many i feel like i can get away with one that's how many we've won we love them but we've watched so many that like i can now tell that the edibles have a side effect and that my memory is not as sharp because my fiance and i we watch them as soon as netflix drops them so when we're done netflix doesn't have one to recommend us that we haven't already watched but because of all the edibles we've taken they end up showing us one that we've already watched but because of all the edibles we've taken we can't tell for about 45 minutes into that one that we've already watched it you know so for the first 45 minutes that guy just looks awfully familiar to me i'm just sitting there going i think i went to high school with that guy and then i finally go hot damn we've already watched it the final thing i got into during the pandemic was popeye's chick heavily into popeye's chicken easter uber eats the hell out of popeye's chicken i remember uh this is before we lived together but one time emma ordered popeye's chicken for lunch when i wasn't over and sent me a photo kind of bragging about it i'm like good for you you know and that night i came over and we put on the netflix you know it comes on would you you ever have the tv too loud and you know that big and it's like a countdown to a bomb and you're like where the hell is the room we're going to blow the windows out of this joint we're sitting there dump them and we take an edible it kicks in and after a few minutes i was like hey is there any more of that popeye's chicken left and she goes no it's all gone i was like damn she's like there is one biscuit left and i'm like hell yeah and she's like but it's in the trash and i'm like is it near the top like how in the trash is it because i still remember that episode of seinfeld where costanza ate it off the top and i took his side in that situation so i'm like is it near the top and she's like kinda i'm like all right let's go see what you mean by kinda so i'm walking into the kitchen pretty high and i'm fantasizing about what i want the trash to look like when i get there and what i'm fantasizing about is like a little paper wastebasket under an office desk with just plastic lining and one biscuit right because that's that's not even eating a biscuit out of the trash that's just an oddly wrapped biscuit that's all that is so that's what i'm fantasizing about then i get to the kitchen i open the trash and it's never been more full and i'm like damn and right on top was a box of popeyes but i opened it and it was just chicken bones and i checked but she was thorough all right some people are wasteful with chicken but she was thorough there was nothing left i moved that box out of the way then i saw the second box in my heart i'm like that's where the biscuit is but it looked like she had to make room in the trash so it looked like she punched it in like the sides of the box were blown out and there was like a tea bag on the lid i remember flicking a tea bag off the lid and out loud going who the hell is hot tea with fried chicken who is this person and as i'm lifting the lid in my head i'm like what are you doing right now you're a 34 year old man with a smartphone you can order fresh popeyes he'll be here in six minutes and then i took a bite and i'm like no that was worth it that was amazing you guys have been great thank you so much for coming out good night everybody

Channel: Zoltan Kaszas

Views: 367,003

Keywords: stand up comedy, stand-up, stand up specials, full specials, zoltan kaszas, clean comedy, dry bar comedy, dont tell comedy, best jokes, comedy specials, comedy central, comedy central stand up, netflix is a joke, full stand up special, zoltan kaszas comedian, zoltan kaszas comedy, clean stand up comedy full show, zoltan kaszas dry bar comedy, stand up, youtube comedy specials 2022, stand up comedy full special, clean stand up, mark normand, joe rogan, tom segura

Id: S3uoDd3RfTQ

Length: 55min 31sec (3331 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 25 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/Teamrayray]

I haven't had the pleasure of seeing you before this post so I didn't have any idea of what to expect. I really enjoyed White Lies. You're very funny. Well written and great stage presence. 10/10 Gave a follow on the YouTubes.

[u/[deleted]]

I watched this last night. I loved it. You have such wholesome positivity.

Keep making good work. 👍

[u/agenteleven11]

yes my dude ! congrats on your great accomplishment! loved it ! keepin it weird in portland 😆🤣🦆🥜