Why The Friends From Friends Are Terrible People - After Hours

what where'd I do too much hair you'll see and I think not nearly enough so I made a list of pros and cons for all of you so I can know how to feel about you so what are you seriously telling me you've never made a pros and cons list about me I'm actually offended I would never do that I had no idea that my overt sexuality bothered you so much yeah my last column was about that I'm handsy mix a crap libel well we got this is the perfect segue to talk about terrible friends Oh [Music] oh you mean like the show yeah of course so obviously three quarters of this table is still mad at Daniel so let's just replace him with a TV friend what well just figuratively up maybe literally two but only time will tell Oh dibs on Ross tarah Ross you have all the friends that you'd you Pitt you start with Ross even I'm better than Ross he makes bitchin music so we know he's artistic and interesting he's been married like a hundred times you know his dick works super doesn't work and he's a paleontologist so he's probably got all kinds of access to fresh Dino DNA which lines up perfectly with my plan to build my own Jurassic Park that's what you're basing this on what about the fact that Ross is just this is dad's not only does his son Ben appear in just 16 out of 236 episodes implying that Ross doesn't spend enough time with his son the time that he does spend is crappy he freaks out when he sees been playing with a Barbie doll and forced him to play with a GI Jo instead could he kids are pretty lackluster parents yeah doesn't Rachel come back from maternity leave still not having changed a single diaper you don't have to do one sometime Monica and Chandler completely abandoned Emma to go have sex because it's Monica's last day my ovulating we have to be fast oh okay I'll try Evan forbid they wait another month to try and have a baby yeah and Chandler and Joey gets so distracted by two women that they managed to leave Ben on a bus where's your baby classic Chandler and Joey seeing your breasts turned them into cavemen and they give up a perfectly good apartment in exchange for watching two women kiss for a little bit Rachel and I will kiss for one minute that is a child's idea of sex and then they went off to go masturbate together well apart from that apart from that apart from that Chandler seems like a pretty good fit seriously miss chanandler Baum yes he is such a sad sack you'd be a perfect stand-in for you plus he's got jokes you guys were coming over I would have brought more pizzas oh let's not forget that he's a big old homophobe Chandler is so uncomfortable by anything that isn't completely heteronormative that he didn't even want his cross-dressing father to attend his own wedding you don't want him there either okay nobody's gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a backless dress that's the risk of making us all feel super old the 90s was a different time no sitcom character knew how to discuss gay rights appropriately not that there's anything wrong with it wasn't there an episode where Ross fired a perfectly good nanny just because he was Freddie Prinze jr. not even gay just a man in a traditionally female job give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out because it's weird I always thought it would be that they all judge Joey and Ross for napping together even though it's clearly nonsection I can't believe it has taken us this long to get here obviously Monica is the perfect friend Oh what she's a chef and she actually gets off on being hospitable and speaking care of her friends who what do I smell Oh smells good fresh cookies yes she's just as OCD as you are riddled beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the water oh so being good its next makes up for the fact that she's crazy manipulative her entire motivation for giving a speech at her parents wedding is to make them cry gonna be crying so hard they'll be fighting for breath oh Jesus she's also sexually manipulative she tricks Chandler into having sex with her when he doesn't even want to just so she doesn't miss a chance to have a baby that's right I got mine here again this is not a surprise all of the friends have crazy unhealthy sexual power place Chandler leaves Rachel's boss chained up in her office overnight with no intention of coming back for god Phoebe leaves Mike handcuffed to a drainpipe somewhere in a really handcuffed guys to water pipes dear where do you think Mike really is oh [ __ ] remember how in the first 30 seconds after Joey meets Monica he takes off all of his clothes and then puts his foot up on the couch as to properly display his junk that is the best way to display him okay I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure that that's a felony Joey it is completely off the charts he forgets the names and faces of most of the women that he slept with many of whom he slept with under false pretenses he's a complete misogynist he's possibly a date rapist are you doing and none of his friends seem to be bothered by this all right what about Rachel in oh she's fun to hang out with she could take us to lingerie fashion shows you guys seriously want to be friends with someone who thinks the rules don't apply to them hey I met a second one thank you right the fact that she is a terrible waitress Rachel asked the customers at the coffee shop to give her an advance on her tips so she can go on a ski trip that's not how businesses work Rachel none of them seem to really care about their jobs or being functioning adults I don't think my boss likes me anything I think mine likes me either maybe it's a universal thing or maybe it's because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday how about Joey seriously we already covered the creep factor yeah well he just needs to grow up grit did he's got some antiquated ideas about sexuality but at least he's the only person to show who's actually genuinely sweet he's nice and he's kind he's simple Julie doesn't share who Joey doesn't share food Joey doesn't share food I'm not even sorry yeah you're right that's dumb so Phoebe by default she's in a weird sex stuff that's a positive and an egg I'm so glad we got here Phoebe is the worst one you guys she presents herself with this super chill free love and hippie person but she is actually the most physically dangerous and violent of all of them give me your money Punk I knew you'd be my death Phoebe Buffay yeah in my mugging days the pipe was my weapon of choice we have a little bit of an edge what's that yeah she did actually seriously consider planting PCP in Monica and Chandler's apartment we can plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops owner she donates a bunch of money to a charity for orphans and takes it back first sink in reality none of the friends are good friends yeah nor are they good people yeah I still thoroughly enjoy the show this is very confusing at one point Phoebe's straight-up tells the group that she bases which one of them is her favorite on how much money they make I don't know who makes the most how do I know who I like the most hi Joey the conversations would also be really boring with them they actively mocked anything intellectual if Ross ever tries to talk about paleontology or science they openly pretend like there's yeah and none of them care about history or politics or the world 2/3 of the group don't know who we fought in World War one who did we fight in World War one Mexico yes very good and on a really unrelated note they steal from each other and strangers all the time yeah also I need some cash okay you want me to stop to meet him no why yet Ross's have you seen me lying around alimony and still you're all forgetting the most glaring example what major American tragedy happened in New York during the time line of friends ban on big sodas at 9/11 9/11 and we know from the interstitial b-roll that takes place between the scenes that this is a New York both with and without the Twin Towers scenes that they were so wrapped up in planning Monica and Chandler's wedding getting knocked up and acting in a movie that they legit we're in New York during 9/11 and didn't mention it once what the actual seem to remember an episode where Joey was wearing a fire department in New York t-shirt yes but knowing how self-centered all the friends are Joey was probably just walking around a Nashville lower Manhattan looking for a sandwich when he saw a bunch of people wearing FDNY shirts and thought I should get me one of those hey how you doing they're all horrible people but I'm like Seinfeld were the horrible people get put on trial and go to jail for being horrible we're supposed to like the friends the writers want us to think they're good and kind of people and to like them even though there's no reason to actually likes you guys and it doesn't matter because what you did was wrong but you did like us and you should there's the whole ethos of the goddamn show [Music] well I guess would seem there are some central perks to keeping daniel around what about comfort oh yes mother so did everybody else just binge watch friends on Netflix like I did hell yeah no I wash it the first time through and remembered every detail Hey hi everybody thank you for watching this episode of After Hours which is an episode that I wrote my first one yay dan put like way too much effort into these pro and cons lists yeah this is like real from my actual personal life I I don't very uncommon I do leave him at parties so yeah if in the comments you want to write up like a pros and cons list of us you don't have to please don't cuz it really hurts our feelings more than you think

Channel: Cracked

Views: 2,951,062

Rating: 4.6349239 out of 5

Keywords: Friends (TV Program), Friends, After Hours, Cracked, sketch, comedy, Funny, spoof, NBC, satire, parody, Sketch Comedy (TV Genre), Chandler Bing, Ross Geller, Rachel Geller, David Schwimmer (Celebrity), Mathew Perry, Courtney Cox, Rachel Green (TV Character), Jennifer Aniston (Celebrity), Joey Tribbiani (TV Character), Matt LeBlanc (TV Actor), Lisa Kudrow (Celebrity), lesbians, Phoebe Buffay (Fictional Character), homophobia, 1990s, 9/11, Gunther

Id: n1BQ3bbJO_k

Length: 9min 57sec (597 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 13 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/I_Say_MOOOOOOOOOOOOO]

Man I love these. Showing me how all the things I grew up with were actually really shitty, but I just wasn't paying attention.