>> Announcer: IT'S
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. >>> IN A STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS
NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG-UN AGREED TO MEET IN MAY WITH
DONALD TRUMP OR WHOEVER IS PRESIDENT IN MAY.
TRUMP WOULD BE THE FIRST SITTING U.S. PRESIDENT TO MEET WITH THE
LEADER OF NORTH KOREA. AND IT'S ALSO GOING TO BE THE
FIRST TIME WHERE BOTH TRANSLATORS START EVERY SENTENCE
WITH, "OKAY, SO WHAT I THINK HE SAID WAS --"
I JUST LOVE THAT A POTENTIAL NUCLEAR WAR HANGING IN THE
BALANCE AND WE'RE PUTTING OUR LIVES IN THE HANDS OF THE ONLY
TWO GUYS CONNECTED ON DENNIS RODMAN'S LINKEDIN PAGE.
>> EXPERTS WARN THAT TALKS BETWEEN TRUMP AND KIM JONG-UN
COULD BE RISKY BECAUSE DUH. BEST CASE SCENARIO IS THEY'LL
REALIZE THEY'RE BOTH CRAZY AND BECOME BEST FRIENDS LIKE THE
MOVIE "STEP BROTHERS." BUT MORE THAN LIKELY
DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO REALIZE THAT HE'S JUST TWITTER CRAZY
AND KIM JONG-UN IS CRAZY-CRAZY. THERE'S A BIG OLD DIFFERENCE.
ONE GUY TROLLS OPRAH ON LINE. THE OTHER GUY MURDERED HIS UNCLE
WITH A CANNON. THIS COULD BE THE GREATEST
EPISODE OF "SCARED STRAIGHT" EVER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK TRUMP IS GOING TO SAY AT DINNER WHEN THEY TELL
HIM HE'S EATING DISRESPECTFUL LIMO DRIVER?
>>> IN THIS WEEK'S PRESIDENTIAL PORNO RECAP, TRUMP'S PERSONAL
LAWYER MICHAEL COHEN WHO IS DEFINITELY A CANDIDATE FOR
FRIEND OF THE YEAR SAID HE USED FUNDS FROM HIS HOME EQUITY LINE
TO PAY $130,000 TO SILENCE STORMY DANIELS.
CAN ANYONE IN AMERICA IMAGINE TAKING OUT A HOME EQUITY LOAN TO
HELP THEIR FRIEND PAY OFF A PORN STAR?
THE BEST PART IS YOU KNOW RIGHT AFTER COHEN SETTLED UP WITH
STORMY TRUMP SAW ANOTHER PORN STAR AND WAS LIKE, SHE'S CUTE,
TOO AND COHEN WAS LIKE, DUDE, I'M GOING TO LOSE MY HOUSE.
BY THE WAY, IT'S FITTING THAT A STORY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT HAVING
AN AFFAIR WITH A PORN STAR IS STRUGGLING TO EVEN HOLD OUR
ATTENTION BECAUSE THE NEWS NOW HAS BECOME LIKE PORN.
WE'RE DESENSITIZED. THESE DAYS, NEWS WISE, WE CAN
ONLY GET EXCITED ABOUT ASIAN LESBIANS.
>>> GARY COHN RESIGNED AS THE WHITE HOUSE'S TOP ECONOMIC
ADVISER. COHN HOPES TO WORK SOMEWHERE A
LITTLE LESS CHAOTIC THAN THE WHITE HOUSE, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,
A WALMART ON BLACK FRIDAY? IN RESPONSE TO GARY COHN'S
RESIGNATION, THE DOW JONES FELL MORE THAN 300 POINTS.
NOW, 300 POINTS SOUNDS LIKE A LOT BUT KEEP IN MIND I HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT THE HELL THE DOW JONES IS.
I REACT TO THE DOW THE SAME WAY I REACT TO MY BOYS WHEN THEY
TELL ME THEY'RE ABOUT TO HAVE A KID.
I'M LIKE, WORD, HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
>>> THIS WEEK IT WAS REVEALED THAT IN JANUARY OF 2017 A SECRET
MEETING TOOK PLACE IN THE SEYCHELLES BETWEEN A TRUMP
ASSOCIATE AND AN OFFICIAL FROM THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES AND A
BANKER WITH TIES TO THE KREMLIN. SOUNDS INNOCENT.
AT LEAST WITH ALL THE MUELLER STUFF WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT
GEOGRAPHY. TRUMP IS BASICALLY CARMEN SAN
DIEGO. EXCEPT HE WANTS TO DEPORT ANYONE
WITH A NAME LIKE CARMEN SAN DIEGO.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH EXECUTIVES FROM THE VIDEO GAME
INDUSTRY TO DISCUSS THE CONNECTION BETWEEN VIOLENT VIDEO
GAMES AND SHOOTINGS. I DON'T KNOW.
I GREW UP PLAYING MARIO BROTHERS.
I NEVER HAD THE URGE TO CURB STOMP A TURTLE.
THOUGH I DID GROW UP WITH A KID THAT PLAYED PAC-MAN ALL DAY AND
NOW HE'S ADDICTED TO PILLS AND SEES GHOSTS EVERYWHERE.
>>> THE FLURRY OF STAFF RESIGNATIONS LED MANY TO SAY THE
TRUMP WHITE HOUSE IS IN CHAOS. HERE TO COMMENT ARE FIRST SONS
ERIC AND DONALD TRUMP, JR. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANKS FOR HAVING US, COLIN. ERIC, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
>> PLEASE, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
>> CLOSE, BUD. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY WHEN SOMEONE
VISITS YOU. ALL RIGHT?
OKAY. >> SO WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN UP
TO SINCE WE SAW YOU LAST? >> WHAT WE DO BEST -- TAKING THE
TRUMP ORGANIZATION TO NEW HEIGHTS.
I TOOK A TRIP TO INDIA WHICH IS AN INCREDIBLY POOR COUNTRY WHERE
I'M HOPING TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.
>> I SAW "PADDINGTON 2." >> YEAH.
SURE DID, BUD. >> THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO THE CLAIM THAT THE WHITE HOUSE IS
NOW IN CHAOS? >> I KNOW IT'S PLAYED OUT,
COLIN. BUT FAKE NEWS.
YOU KNOW, OUR FATHER HAS A LITTLE NICKNAME FOR YOU MEMBERS
OF THE ELITIST LIBERAL MEDIA. >> GOD DAMN JEWS.
>> NO, NO. ERIC.
ERIC, THAT'S AWFUL, BUD. NO.
THAT WAS A BAD ONE, BUD. YOU KNOW, THESE STORIES YOU HAVE
HEARD ARE COMPLETE FABRICATIONS. OUR FATHER HAS EVERYTHING
COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL. IN FACT, WE SPOKE TO OUR FATHER
RIGHT BEFORE WE CAME OUT HERE AND HE SAID --
>> STOP BRINGING ERIC ON TV WITH YOU.
>> YEAH. NO.
WELL, HE DID SAY THAT. BUT HE ALSO SAID, "JUST BE
HONEST." THAT'S WHAT'S SO RIDICULOUS
ABOUT THE CLAIMS OF THIS ADULT FILM STAR.
SHE AND MY FATHER NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP.
>> THEY JUST WRESTLED IN BED. >> OKAY.
YOU WANT TO READ YOUR BOOK, BUDDY?
>> OKAY. >> NEW ONE.
AND AS FAR AS THIS CHAOS, COLIN, STAFF TURNOVER IS GOOD.
ERIC. YOU DON'T JUST READ THE COVER,
BUDDY. IT'S A BOOK.
A POP-UP BOOK. >> AAH!
>> DON'T BE SCARED, BUD. SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
IT'S A POP-UP BOOK. >> POP POP?
>> POP-UP. >> POP --
>> WE'LL PUT IT ON A FLASHCARD, BUD.
IT'S OKAY. JUST READ.
IT'S OKAY. IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT YOU.
AS I WAS SAYING, COLIN, TURNOVER IS A GOOD THING.
I SEE! FUN TO READ, RIGHT?
WHAT'S THAT WORD? "SHE."
THINGS ARE RUNNING SMOOTHLY. THERE IS NO CHAOS.
AND MY FATHER IS IN COMPLETE CONTROL.
NOW WE HAVE TO RUN. WE HAVE A BIG DAY TOMORROW.
>> WE'RE GOING GOOD WILL HUNTING.
>> I TOLD YOU. IT'S BIG GAME HUNTING.
BIG GAME HUNTING. >> MATT DAMON GOING TO BE THERE?
>> MATT DAMON NEVER WAS GOING TO BE THERE.
>> I'M SORRY. >> ERIC AND DONALD TRUMP, JR.,
EVERYONE.
