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>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY TO EDUCATE THE
PUBLIC ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS. BUT I'M NOT SURE IT WORKED,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, 38% OF AMERICANS SAY
THEY WON'T DRINK CORONA BEER BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE THE
CORONAVIRUS. WHILE THE REST WON'T DRINK IT
BECAUSE IT TASTES LIKE SYPHILIS. DONALD TRUMP IS THE WORST PERSON
TO EASE PEOPLE'S FEARS. TRUMP'S WHOLE THING IS THAT HE
WHIPS ARENAS INTO A FRENZY OF ANGER AND BLOODLUST.
HOPING TRUMP CAN CALM PEOPLE DOWN IS LIKE HOPING COCAINE CAN
FIGHT INSOMNIA. AND I DON'T REALLY TRUST TRUMP
ON MEDICAL ISSUES. THIS IS WHAT HE HAD TO SAY ABOUT
EBOLA. >> THIS IS A MUCH DIFFERENT
PROBLEM THAN EBOLA. EBOLA, YOU DISINTEGRATED.
YOU GOT EBOLA, THAT WAS IT. >> YOU DISINTEGRATED?
WAIT, DOES HE THINK THAT THANOS WAS NAMED EBOLA?
THEN ON HIS WAY TO A RALLY WHERE HE WOULD MEET WITH THOUSANDS OF
UNTESTED PEOPLE IN AN ENCLOSED SPACE, HE EXPLAINED HIS PLAN
LIKE THIS. >> WE'RE ORDERING A LOT OF
DIFFERENT ELEMENTS OF MEDICAL. AS YOU KNOW, THEY'RE WORKING AS
RAPIDLY AS THEY CAN, ON A VACCINE FOR THE FUTURE.
AND WITH THAT I THINK I CAN HEAD OUT.
>> YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN JUST HEAD OUT, BECAUSE YOU
DIDN'T TELL US ANYTHING. HE SAID, WE'RE ORDERING
DIFFERENT ELEMENTS OF MEDICAL. WHICH IRGUARANTEE YOU HE THINKS
IS FIRE, EARTH, WIND AND WATER. AND NOW SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE THAT
THE MORTALITY RATE FROM THE CORONAVIRUS IS ARRANGE 2%.
WHICH SOUNDS PRETTY BAD. BUT HONESTLY, IF YOU GAVE ME A
2% CHANCE OF DYING DURING TRUMP'S FIRST TERM, I WOULD HAVE
TAKEN THAT IN A HEARTBEAT. >> MAN, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE
JOKES ABOUT THIS CORONA VIRUS, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW THAT I
DON'T HAVE IT YET. AND IF I DO HAVE IT, THE
INTERNET IS GOING TO PLAY THIS CLIP OF ME MAKING FUN OF IT OVER
AND OVER AGAIN, AND THEY SHOULD, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS.
IMAGINE IF THERE WAS VIDEO OF THE CROCODILE HUNTER MAKING FUN
OF STINGRAYS. I MEAN, WHAT IF THIS IS IT?
THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO BE REMEMBERED, MAN.
SITTING HERE PRETENDING I CARE ABOUT POLITICS, WEARING THIS
FANCY TIE, LIKE I DON'T NEED THIS.
WHY AM I HIDING MY DRINKING PROBLEM?
YOU KNOW, I JUST FOUND OUT I MIGHT HAVE A KID.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE STOCK MARKET THIS WEEK
POSTED ITS LARGEST POINT LOSS IN HISTORY, WHICH A LOT OF PEOPLE
ARE REFERRING TO AS THE TRUMP SLUMP.
AND BY A LOT OF PEOPLE, I MEAN ME.
THE SAME WAY WHEN TRUMP SAYS A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING
SOMETHING, HE MEANS HE IS. NOW ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE COMING
UP SAYING TRUMP SLUMP AND PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS TRUMP
SLUMP. I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT THE
TRUMP TRUMP WITHOUT SOMETHING COMING UP TO ME AND SAYING, HOW
ABOUT THIS TRUMP SLUMP? ANYWAY, THAT'S THE ECONOMY.
>> HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY END WELL FOR US, TRUMP PUT MIKE
PENCE IN CHARGE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS PLAN IS,
IT'S PROBABLY THE SAME AS THAT GUY WHO HAD TO GET EVIAN WATER.
NOW, MY GRANDMOTHER WAS GHT, COLIN, SHE WARNED ME.
I REMEMBER SHE USED TO SIT ME DOWN AND ROCK BACK IN HER CHAIR,
AND SHE SAID, "BABY, YOU LISTEN TO ME GOOD.
DON'T YOU BRING NO WHITE GIRL HOME."
BUT THEN AFTER THAT -- SHE SAID, "BABY, WE ARE LIVING
IN OUR LAST DAYS," AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST OLD AND CRAZY.
I MEAN, NO WHITE GIRLS? I MEAN, I WORK IN SHOW BUSINESS.
BY THE WAY, ARE YOU STILL GETTING MARRIED, COLIN?
LISTEN, AMERICANS, STOP BLAMING THIS ON THE CHINESE.
SURE, THEY MAY HAVE SOME STRANGE CHOICES IN EDIBLE MEATS, BUT
DON'T ACT LIKE WE'RE ANY BETTER THAN THEY ARE.
I MEAN, WE JUST STOPPED EATING TIDE PODS LIKE TWO YEARS AGO.
I FEEL FREE. >> WE'RE STILL FIVE WEEKS AWAY
FROM EASTER, BUT EARLIER A MANNING CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.
JOE BIDEN WON THE SOUTH CAROLINA PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY JUST HOURS
AGO. BUT IN KEEPING WITH SOUTH
CAROLINA TRADITION, THE LOSERS WILL GET STATUES.
MIKE BLOOMBERG IS SPENDING A RECORD $3.5 MILLION BUYING ADS
IN BLACK MEDIA. GET READY FOR TYLER PERRY'S
MADEA GOES TO MIKE BLOOMBERG.COM.
AND HILLARY CLINTON HAS ANNOUNCED SHE'S STARTING A POD
CAST. OKAY, NOW, I DO THINK WE SHOULD
LOCK HER UP.
