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>>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE, WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WOO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOOD
EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE I'M
MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
>> WITH ALL THE COMPLEX ISSUES FACING AMERICA RIGHT NOW,
PRESIDENT TRUMP DECIDED TO RELAX AND SOLVE A MUCH SIMPLER
PROBLEM, THE MIDDLE EAST. TRUMP FORMALLY RECOGNIZED
JERUSALEM AS THE CAPITAL OF ISRAEL THIS WEEK AND YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BUT JEWS AND MUSLIMS HAD DIFFERENT
REACTIONS. TRUMP BASICALLY MADE THE
ANNOUNCEMENT, FLICKED A CIGARETTE, AND THEN JUST WALKED
AWAY IN SLOW MOTION. >> I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYBODY
WOULD EVEN WANT TO TAKE SIDES IN THE MIDDLE EAST CONFLICT UNLESS
THEY ARE ACTUALLY FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS FIGHT.
YOU JUST KEEP QUIET AND SAY I HEAR YOU.
I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE MIDDLE EAST.
I HAVE ONE PALESTINIAN FRIEND AND EVERY TIME I ASK HIM ABOUT
THE MIDDLE EAST HE SAYS, "CHE I'M PAKISTANI."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AFTER TRUMP SLURRED HIS
SPEECH ON WEDNESDAY THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL
UNDERGO A PHYSICAL EXAM EARLY NEXT YEAR.
AND THE RESULTS WILL BE MADE PUBLIC.
WHICH SOUNDS GOOD. BUT I HAVE A QUESTION.
WILL DR. MUPPETS BE DOING IT? BECAUSE IF HE IS, SOMEONE'S
GONNA HAVE TO SHAKE HIM OUT OF HIS LUDES COMA FIRST.
ALSO, I'M NOT REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT TRUMP GETTING A PHYSICAL
EXAMINATION. I'M A LOT MORE CONCERNED ABOUT
SOME OF THE MENTAL THINGS THAT MIGHT BE HAPPENING THAT MAKE HIM
SAY THINGS LIKE THIS. >> BECAUSE THESE MASSIVE TAX
CUTS WILL BE ROCKET FUEL.
LITTLE ROCKET MAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW I'M NO DOCTOR, BUT THEN AGAIN, NEITHER IS THIS GUY.
CONGRESS HAS PASSED A TEMPORARY EXTENSION THAT WILL PREVENT A
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN THIS WEEKEND.
FOR NOW, A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN IS JUST WHEN A WOMAN TELLS A
SENATOR TO PULL HIS PANTS BACK UP.
>>> THREE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS RESIGNED THIS WEEK AFTER
ALLEGATIONS OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, TIME TO OPEN THREE MORE DOORS ON OUR
SEXUAL HARASSMENT THEMED ADVENT CALENDAR.
>>> THE DEMOCRATS HOLD THEMSELVES TO AHERE STANDARD
THAN EVERYONE ELSE. WHICH IS WHY THEY ALWAYS LOSE.
IT'S THE SAME REASON THE HARVARD TEAM SUCK BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE
A ROCKET SCIENTIST TO PLAY THERE.
BUT TO PLAY FOR ALABAMA, YOU JUST GOT TO BE ABLE THE SPELL
BAMMA. DEMOCRATS HOPE BY FORCING AL
FRANKEN TO STEP DOWN THEY WILL PAINT THEMSELVES AS THE PARTY OF
THE MORAL HIGH GROUND. CALM DOWN, DEMOCRATS.
YOU ARE STILL POLITICIANS. YOU ARE THE PARTY OF THE
MORALITY THE SAME WAY DON JR. IS THE HANDSOME TRUMP BROTHER.
NOBODY ACTUALLY LIKES YOU. NOBODY LIKES DEMOCRATS.
NOBODY IS AT A PARTY LIKE, DO YOU KNOW WHO I WISH WAS HERE,
NANCY PELOSI. [ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S DOPE. >> TRUMP ALSO ENDORSED ROY MOORE
THIS WEEK, SAYING GO GET THEM, ROY.
COME ON, MAN, WHEN YOU ARE ENDORSING AN ACCUSED CHILD
MOLESTER, YOU CAN'T SAY GO GET 'EM.
THIS ISN'T PEDOPHILE POKEMON. IF IT IS, WE SHOE PROBABLY KEEP
AN EYE ON SQUIRTEL. BY THE WAY, GO GET 'EM ROY IS
ALSO WHAT ROY MOORE WHISPERS TO HIMSELF RIGHT BEFORE HE WALKS
INTO A HOT TOPIC. >>> ROY MOORE RESPONDED TO
CRITICS BY TWEETING I THINK THEY ARE AFRAID I'M GOING TO TAKE
ALABAMA VALUES TO WASHINGTON. NO, WE ARE AFRAID YOU ARE GOING
TO TAKE YOUR VALUES TO WASHINGTON.
WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT TO BLAME THEIR TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR ON
WHERE THEY ARE FROM. LIKE WHEN A GUY WHIPS OUT HIS
JUNK ON A SUBWAY AND SCREAMS ONLY IN NEW YORK, BABY.
WE DO NOT DO THAT, MAN. >>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE
MUELLER INVESTIGATION SUBPOENAED DEUTSCHE BANK REQUESTING
INFORMATION ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP AND HIS FAMILY'S FINANCES
AND THEY HAVE ALSO SUBPOENAED THE BANK ERIC USES.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ACCORDING TO A REPORT, TRUMP
DID NOT INVITE ANY DEMOCRATS TO THE WHITE HOUSE HANUKKAH PARTY
ON THURSDAY, WHICH IS LIKE NOT INVITING ANY GAY PEOPLE TO THE
TONY AWARDS. IT'S NOT REALLY A GOOD LOOK WHEN
THE MOST JEWISH PERSON AT YOUR HANUKKAH PARTY IS IVANKA TRUMP.
>> SEXUAL HARASSMENT ALLEGATIONS CONTINUE TO ROCK CONGRESS WITH
MORE EXPECTED TO KOCHLTD HERE TO TALK ABOUT THIS IS A WOMAN WHO
IS ALWAYS SCREAMING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, KATHY ANN.
>> HEY, HEY MICHAEL CHE. WHOO.
TODAY MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY. >> OH REALLY?
WHY IS THAT KATHY ANN? >> BECAUSE I GET THE SEE YOU,
AND I JUST CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.
>> WHAT? >> YEAH.
AND I DIDN'T DIE THE WAY YOU THINK I DID.
>> YOU WERE ACTUALLY DEAD? >> YEAH, YEAH, FOR 18 MINUTES,
AND THEN BACK FOR FIVE, AND THEN DEAD FOR ANOTHER 21.
I MET GEORGE MICHAEL. HE TOLD ME TO PLEASE HIM ALONE.
>> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU ARE OKAY NOW.
>> OH, I AM FAR FROM OKAY. YOU KNOW THAT MICHAEL CHE, COME
ON NOW. >> YEAH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT AL FRANKEN RESIGNING?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO THINK.
IT IS A CONFUSING TIME TO BE A WOMAN, AND A DRUG ADDICT AND A
VERY HEAVY DRINKER. IT'S HARD YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I
LIKED AL FRANCO. BUT I GUESS -- I GUESS THAT'S
WHY THEY SAY DON'T MEET YOUR HERO.
YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE WHEN I MET THAT TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA
AND HE TRIED TO BITE ME IN MY FRIGGIN' VAGINA.
>> WOW. >> OH HOW IS THAT A WOW?
COME ON NOW? LOOK, I SAW AL FRANCO'S SPEECH
OKAY. HERE'S WHAT I DO KNOW.
>> FRANCO? >> AIN'T THAT HIS NAME?
>> YEAH. >> HERE'S WHAT I KNOW.
WHY ARE YOU GOING TO RESIGN IF YOU AIN'T GOING TO APOLOGIZE.
AND IF YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR, WHY THE HELL ARE
YOU RESIGNING? OKAY.
I DIDN'T RESIGN FROM WAFFLE HOUSE BECAUSE I WASN'T STEALING
SYRUP. >> WELL, I THINK HE RESIGNED
BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS WANTED TO SHOW THEY ARE A PARTY THAT TAKES
A STAND AGAINST SEXUAL HARASSMENT
>> YES, WHO ARE THEY TRYING TO SELL, THE VOTERS IN ALABAMA,
LIKE EVERYONE IN ALABAMA JUST BEEN ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS
WONDERING WHAT KRISTEN JELLY BEANS
WAS GOING TO DO ABOUT AL FRANCO. >> YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT THIS
STUFF. >> I'M KIND OF A POLITICAL
JUNKIE, AND A REGULAR JUNKIE. THE POINT IS THOSE VOTERS IN
ALABAMA DON'T GIVE A FLYING FOOT ABOUT AL FRANCO.
>> A FLYING FOOT? >> COME ON, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU
STEP IN THE BEAR TRAP AND YOU TRY TO SHAKE IT OFF TOO HARD AND
YOUR FOOT GOES FLYING. >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
>> OH, WELL AREN'T YOU FANCY. >> WELL, DOUG JONES SEEMS CLOSE
TO ROY MOORE IN THE POLLS. >> OH, IS HE DOING OKAY IN THE
POLLS? COME ON.
THEY LIE. WHO'S GONNA ADMIT TO SUPPORTING
ROY MOORE TO A STRANGER ON THE PHONE.
OH ME, YEAH, YEAH, I'M SUPPORT THE PEDOPHILE WHO LAKES
SLAVERY. COME ON.
THAT'S LIKE IF YOU CALLED ME, AND YOU SAY, "HEY KATHY ANN ARE
YOU PLANNING ON SMOKING CRACK AGAIN?"
I'M GOING TO BE LIKE "OH, HOW DARE YOU?
YOU HAVE OFFENDED MY SENSIBILITIES.
ME IN THAT IN THAT SECRET VOTING BOOTH HUFFING ON A HOT MOTH BALL
HIGH AS HELL GOING DOUG WHO? HE'S GONNA WIN IN A LAND SLIDE,
AND ALL PRETEND LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED OVERNIGHT, HE NOTHING
TO DO WITH IT. YOU KNOW, LIKE CROP CIRCLES OR
CLOGGED TOILETS. >> KATHY ANN DOES THIS MEAN YOU
CLOGGED MY TOILET AGAIN? >> MICHAEL CHE, HOW DARE YOU?
YOU HAVE OFFENDED MY SENSIBILITY.
>> KATHY ANN, EVERYBODY. >> KATHY ANN CHE.
REAL LOVE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
