>>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE, WITH
COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST. IT'S VETERAN'S DAY.
DONALD TRUMP CELEBRATED BY FINALLY GOING THE VIETNAM.
FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP STAYED BEHIND IN CHINA TO VISIT THE
BEIJING ZOO WHILE TRUMP CONTINUED ON TO VIETNAM WHERE HE
MET WITH RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN IN THEIR BEST
HILLARY CLINTON BLOUSE. DURING THE MEETING PUTIN DENIED
MEDDLING IN THE ELECTION AND TRUMP SAID HE BELIEVES HIM.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, TRUMP ALSO BELIEVED HIS WIFE WHEN SHE SAID
SHE WAS STAYING BEHIND TO VISIT THE ZOO.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE NEW EXCUSE WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT
WITH SOMEONE. I'D LOVE TO BUT I HAVE GOT ZOO
STUFF. DURING A SPEECH IN SOUTH KOREA
PRESIDENT TRUMP WARNED NORTH KOREA TO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE US
AND DO NOT TRY US. WHICH SOUNDS TOUGH.
BUT THEN HE IMMEDIATELY LEFT THE COUNTRY.
IT'S LIKE IF IN BRIV HEART WILLIAM WALLACE ENDED HIS SPEECH
WITH, AND THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM.
ANYWAY, I GOTTA RUN. ZOO STUFF.
PEACE. >>> NORTH KOREA RESPOND CALLING
DONALD TRUMP A LUNATIC YOUNG MAN.
AND TRUMP RESPONDED SAYING WHY WOULD THEY CALL ME OLD?
I WOULD NEVER CALL HIM SHORT AND FAT.
A LOT OF TIMES HE GOES OVER THE TOP WITH HIS TWEETS.
BUT THIS TIME THAT WAS FUNNY. LOOK HOW VEIN HE IS.
THEY ARE LIKE A LUNATIC OLD MAN. AND HE'S LIKE OLD.
PRESIDENT MISS THING ALSO SAID THIS WEEK'S SHEET SHOOTING IN
TEXAS ISN'T A GUN SITUATION BUT A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE AT THE
HIGHEST LEVEL. BUT WHY CAN'T IT BE BOTH?
WHY CAN'T IT BE THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM WE
NOW HAVE A GUN SITUATION? JUST LIKE HOW BECAUSE MY LITTLE
COUSIN HAS A CRACK PROBLEM AND MY AUNT HAS A MISSING SILVERWARE
SITUATION. >>> A GOOD WEEKEND TO STAY
INSIDE SINCE IT'S 20 DEGREES OUT AND EVERYONE YOU EVER HEARD IS A
SEX MONSTER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALABAMA REPUBLICAN SENATE CANDIDATE ROY MOORE HAS BEEN
ACCUSED OF HAVING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL RELATIONS WHEN HE WAS IN
HIS 30s WITH SEVERAL TEENAGE GIRLS.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYING HE'S GUILTY BUT HIS NAUGHTY LITTLE COWBOY
OUTFIT IS SCREAMING IT. HE LOOKS LIKE A GUY WHO SHOWS UP
TO "WESTWORLD" AND HE IS LIKE, "HEY CAN SOMEONE SHOW ME WHERE
THE MIDDLE SCHOOL IS?" [ LAUGHTER ]
HOW ARE WE STILL SURPRISED THAT SOMEONE WHO PUTS
UP THE TEN COMMANDMENTS EVERYWHERE DOESN'T ACTUALLY
FOLLOW THEM? WHAT'S NEXT, IT TURNS OUT THE
GUY WHO ALWAYS JOKES ABOUT MASTURBATING WASN'T ACTUALLY
JOKING ABOUT MASTURBATING? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT. >> ALABAMA STATE AUDITOR JIM
ZIEGLER SUPPORTED ROY MOORE USING MARY AND JOSEPH AS
EXAMPLES, SAYING "MARY WAS A TEENAGER, JOSEPH WAS AN ADULT
CARPENTER. THEY BECAME PARENTS OF JESUS."
OH, WORD, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE GOING WITH?
ROY MOORE WAS TRYING TO MAKE A JESUS?
SO I GUESS R KELLY WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT RAIN FOR
40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> WITH THIS UNENDING PARADE OF SEXUAL ABUSE ALLEGATION IS OF
ACTORS, PRODUCERS AND POLITICIANS HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO
LIGHT RECENTLY. HERE WITH HER ANNUAL SEXUAL
HARASSMENT GUIDELINES SEMINAR IS CLAIRE FROM HR.
>> HI. >> HOW ARE YOU DOING, CLAIRE?
I'M SORRY, IS THAT A RECEIPT ON YOUR NECK?
>> SORRY I WAS JUST GRABBING LUNCH.
>> YOU WERE GRABBING LUNCH AT CVS?
>> YEAH IT'S BEEN A CRAZY WEEK. MY TENTH ONE OF THESE TODAY, AND
I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN THREE DAYS.
I'LL BE SUPER QUICK, I KNOW, I'M SORRY.
I KNOW YOU GUYS WANT TO GET BACK TO THE SHOW AND I KNOW YOU KNOW
ALL OF THIS STUFF ANYWAY. BUT I'M JUST HERE TO DO A LITTLE
QUIZ. >> OKAY, GREAT.
>> FIRST QUESTION IS ABOUT OFFICE ROMANCE, NOT A BIG DEAL,
WE KNOW IT ALL HAPPENS. SO WHAT IS THE APPROPRIATE WAY
TO HANDLE A WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIP?
A, INFORM SOMEONE AT HR. B, LOCK HER IN A ROOM AND MAKE
HER LOOK AT IT. OR C, BULLY HER OUT OF THE
ENTIRE INDUSTRY. >> I'M GOING TO SAY A.
>> YES, GREAT, OH, GOOD. YOU GOT IT.
YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED HOW MANY PEOPLE GET THAT WRONG.
IT COULD ALMOST MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND.
AHH! OKAY.
OKAY. SO THIS NEXT QUESTION IS ABOUT
CONSENT. OH FUN, AND WE HAVE A VISUAL AID
HERE. >> OKAY.
>> YOU RUN INTO YOUR COWORKER AT THE OFFICE.
>> SURE. >> IS SHE A, GIVING YOU A
SEDUCTIVE LOOK THAT SAYS HEY COME GET THIS.
B, SHE SAID NO IN THE PAST BUT THAT LITTLE SKIRT IS SAYING YES,
YES, ME HORNY. OR C, SHE IS LIVING HER LIFE AND
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. AND THE ANSWER IS?
>> I'M GOING TO SAY C AGAIN. >> YES, LEAVE HER ALONE.
>> I'M SORRY ARE YOU MAD AT ME. >> YES, I THINK I ACTUALLY AM A
LITTLE. IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.
OH GOOD, OH THIS IS A NEW ONE WE APPARENTLY NEED TO DO NOW.
OKAY, READY? WHEN IS IT OKAY FOR AN ADULT TO
HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A 14-YEAR-OLD?
A, WHEN SHE IS 14 BUT SHE'S SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
B, 14, BUT IT'S ALABAMA. C, 14, BUT YOU ARE GAY NOW, SO
HOORAY, HOW BRAVE. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP GOING.
I'M PRETTY SURE THE ANSWER IS NEVER.
>> YEAH, WELL, IF IT'S SUCH AN EASY QUESTION, WHY DOES IT HAVE
TO BE ON THE QUIZ? >> ARE YOU DRINKING PUREL?
>> YEAH, BECAUSE IT CLEANSES ME AND GIVES ME A NICE BUZZ.
OH, THIS IS FUN. THIS NEXT ONE HAS A PROP.
YOU WILL LIKE THIS. SO THIS IS YOU.
>> THAT'S ME? >> WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS.
WHEN TALKING TO A COWORKER IN THE OFFICE WHERE SHOULD YOU KEEP
YOUR PENIS? >> EXCUSE ME?
>> JUST POINT ON DOLL, WHERE SHOULD YOUR PENIS BE?
REMEMBER, THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS.
JUST SUPER WRONG ANSWERS. >> I WOULD JUST SAY YOU KEEP IT
IN YOUR PANTS. >> YES.
EXACTLY. A PENIS NEVER NEEDS TO BE OUT OF
YOUR PANTS AT WORK. >> IS THAT QUESTION REALLY ON
THE QUIZ? DOES THAT HELP?
>> YES, COLIN, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE NEED IT.
BUT NOT YOU. YOU PASS.
>> OH, THAT'S SO GREAT. >> YEAH, YEAH, BUT I WILL
PROBABLY BE BACK NEXT WEEK AND THE WEEK AFTER THAT FOREVER AND
EVER, BECAUSE THIS ISN'T JUST A SCANDAL.
IT DIDN'T JUST START THIS WEEK. IT'S JUST ACTUAL REALITY FOR
HALF OF THE POPULATION. SO --
>> OKAY. CLAIRE FROM HR, EVERYBODY.
>> GEORGE, THE TAKAI, NO.
Can't wait to get out of Church and watch this.
Omg. Hilarious!
Hilarious!!!!
That scetch was hilarious last night!