>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. WELL, COLIN, THIS WEEK WE GOT TO
EXPLAIN TO OUR PARENTS WHAT A GOLDEN SHOWER IS.
WELL, EXPLAIN IT TO OUR MOMS. MY DAD WAS LIKE, OH, THE WAR.
>> BUZZFEED REPORTED UNVERIFIED CLAIMS THAT RUSSIA GOT THEIR
HANDS ON SOME COMPROMISING INFORMATION ON DONALD TRUMP TO
BLACKMAIL HIM. BUT THE PROBLEM WITH UNVERIFIED
CLAIMS IS NO MATTER HOW UNVERIFIED THEY ARE, IF IT'S
HILARIOUS ENOUGH, PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER IT AS A FACT.
WHICH IS WHY WHEN SOMEONE MENTIONS RICHARD GERE TO ME, I
DON'T THINK "PRETTY WOMAN." I THINK GERBIL.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DONALD TRUMP BLAMED
INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES FOR ALLOWING THE RUSSIAN DOSSIER TO
LEAK, TWEETING, ARE WE LIVING IN NAZI GERMANY?
OF COURSE NOT. NAZI GERMANY AT LEAST HAD THE
GUTS TO STAND UP TO RUSSIA. [ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
>> ON WEDNESDAY PRESIDENT-ELECT DONALD TRUMP HELD HIS FIRST
OFFICIAL PRESS CONFERENCE. AND LIKE A GOLDEN SHOWER, IT WAS
A MESS THAT COVERED EVERYTHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP ONLY SPOKE FOR EIGHT MINUTES YET HE SOMEHOW COVERED
4,000 TOPICS. AND AT THAT POINT IT WAS JOURNEY
TO PAPER MOUNTAIN. TRUMP SAID THAT THE DOCUMENTS
WERE EVIDENCE THAT HE'S STEPPING AWAY FROM HIS BUSINESS.
BUT IT LOOKED LIKE EVIDENCE THAT HE'S A HOARDER.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] HOW DOES HE HAVE THAT MUCH PAPER
AND NONE OF IT IS TAX RETURNS? WE'LL BE IN GOOD SHAPE IF TRUMP
DESTROYS ISIS THE WAY HE DESTROYED TREES.
>> SIR, CAN YOU GIVE US A QUESTION?
>> I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A QUESTION.
YOU ARE FAKE NEWS. >> I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE THAT
GUY, BUT DAMN THAT WAS FUNNY. THE PRESIDENT-ELECT JUST CALLED
CNN FAKE NEWS LIVE ON CNN. AND THE ONLY THING CNN COULD DO
BACK WAS SAY, SIR, SIR? IT WAS LIKE THE DUDE FROM "BLUES
BROTHERS." TRUMP HASN'T EVEN BEEN SWORN IN
YET AND HE'S ALREADY MADE ENEMIES OF THE CIA, THE FBI, AND
THE NATIONAL MEDIA. THAT'S BALLSY.
YOU CAN'T JUST COME INTO A RESTAURANT AND INSULT THE
WAITER, THE CHEF, AND THEN SAY, I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER THE CLAM
CHOWDER. >> FAMILY FEUD HOST STEVE HARVEY
MET WITH DONALD TRUMP ON FRIDAY TO DISCUSS HARVEY'S POSSIBLE
INVOLVEMENT WITH HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT.
I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HEAR WHAT THOSE MEETINGS SOUNDED
LIKE. WE ASKED A HUNDRED BLACK FOLKS,
NAME FIVE THINGS WRONG WITH THE PROJECTS, SHOW THEM ROACHES.
DUDE, YOU'RE A REAL ESTATE TYCOON.
YOU COULDN'T THINK OF ANYBODY MORE QUALIFIED FOR HOUSING AND
DEVELOPMENT THAN STEVE HARVEY? EVERY DECISION THAT DONALD TRUMP
MAKES STARTS WITH THE SENTENCE, "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
HILARIOUS?" [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] >>> THIS WEEK REPUBLICANS BEGAN
THE PROCESS OF REPEALING OBAMACARE EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE
NO PLAN READY TO REPLACE IT. HOW DO REPUBLICANS NOT HAVE A
PLAN READY? THEY'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
MOMENT FOR SIX YEARS. IT'S LIKE IF AT THE END OF THE
MOVIE RUDY, THE COACH POINTED TO RUDY
TO GO INTO THE GAME AND RUDY WAS SITTING THERE BLACKOUT DRUNK IN
HIS UNDERWEAR, THEN TRIED TO RUN ON THE FIELD AND TRIPPED AND
BROKE HIS NECK, AND CAN'T GET HEALTH CARE BECAUSE THAT'S A
PREEXISTING CONDITION. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> ALABAMA SENATOR JEFF BEAUREGARD SESSIONS, I LOVE
SAYING HIS NAME LIKE THAT, EVERY TIME I SAY HIS NAME I FEEL LIKE
I'M WEARING SUSPENDERS. ANYWAY, SESSIONS TESTIFIED
BEFORE CONGRESS AS PART OF HIS NOMINATION PROCESS FOR ATTORNEY
GENERAL. THE WHOLE HEARING WAS JUST THE
COMMITTEE TRYING TO GET SESSIONS TO ADMIT HE'S A RACIST WHICH IS
RIDICULOUS BECAUSE EVEN IF HE IS A RACIST, HE'S NOT GOING TO
SAY IT. EVEN KRAMER WALKED OFFSTAGE
LIKE, THEY WERE WEIRD TONIGHT, RIGHT?
YOU HAVE TO ASK HIS CLEANING LADY.
THE ONLY PERSON I EVER HEARD ACTUALLY SAY THAT THEY WERE A
RACIST WAS ME. ONCE TO GET OUT OF THE SHOW.
AND ONCE BECAUSE I WAS ON JURY DUTY.
>> IN AN EMOTIONAL CEREMONY, PRESIDENT OBAMA AWARDED
JOE BIDEN THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM AND THANKED HIM FOR
HIS DECADES OF SERVICE TO THE COUNTRY.
BIDEN WAS OVERWHELMED AND ALSO EMBARRASSED BECAUSE THE THANK
YOU GIFT HE GOT FOR OBAMA WAS JUST A HOMEMADE COUPON FOR A
BACK RUB. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THAT'S ADORABLE. >> ALL THIS WEEK CONFIRMATION
HEARINGS ARE TAKING PLACE FOR DONALD TRUMP'S CABINET NOMINEES.
HERE TO QUICKLY SORT THEM OUT WITH A SEGMENT CALLED "FIRST
IMPRESSIONS" IS PETE DAVIDSON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> DONALD TRUMP HAS MADE ABOUT 20 DIFFERENT PICKS FOR HIS
CABINET. >> THAT'S TRUE.
>> AND DEMOCRATS DON'T LIKE ANY OF THEM.
YOU KNEW WE WERE IN TROUBLE WHEN EVERY LIBERAL IN AMERICA WAS
LIKE, COME ON, MITT ROMNEY! [ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT POLITICS REALLY.
BUT I'M A PRETTY, YOU KNOW, GOOD JUDGE OF PEOPLE BASED ON MY
FIRST IMPRESSIONS. HERE WE GO.
FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL, TRUMP PICKED ALABAMA SENATOR
JEFF SESSIONS. A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE DOBBIE FROM
"HARRY POTTER" WISHED TO BE A REAL BOY.
[ LAUGHTER ] NEXT WE HAVE METRO SEXUAL STEVE
MNUCHIN, A GOLDMAN SACHS GUY. A LONG TIME AGO HE WAS LIKE, IF
I HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS, WOMEN WILL HAVE SEX WITH ME.
NOW HE'S LIKE, MAYBE A TRILLION. [ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT IS TRUMP'S NOMINEE FOR HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT,
BEN CARSON. TRUMP THINKS CARSON SHOULD BE IN
CHARGE OF HOUSING BECAUSE HE LIVED IN THE PROJECTS AS A
CHILD. REALLY?
IF YOU'RE AN EXPERT ON WHEREVER YOU WERE BORN DOES THAT MEAN I
CAN BE SECRETARY OF THE HONDA CIVIC?
[ LAUGHTER ] SORRY, MOM.
>> SECRETARY OF COMMERCE, THE PICK IS WILBER ROSS.
WILBER ROSS, I HEARD THIS GUY IS A BILLIONAIRE INVESTOR.
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE SEEN HIM SITTING ON JEFF DUNHAM'S
LAP. >> I KNEW I RECOGNIZED HIM.
>> DEFINITELY FAMILIAR. >> TRUMP'S PICK FOR SECRETARY OF
LABOR IS A GUY NAMED ANDREW PUZDER.
IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT MICHAEL FASSBENDER WOULD LOOK
LIKE IF HE PLAYED LEX LUTHOR, WONDER NO MORE.
PUZDER WAS THE CEO OF HARDY'S AND NOW HE'S GONNA BE IN CHARGE
OF ALL THE WORKERS IN AMERICA. YOU KNOW HOW THAT'S A BAD IDEA?
'CAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE HEARD THE WORD HARDY'S IN
15 YEARS. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEN MY FAVORITE IS ERIC TRUMP. THIS GUY IS NOT IN THE CABINET
BUT I COULDN'T RESIST. HIS HAIR SAYS 1985.
BUT HIS FACE SCREAMS PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> PETE DAVIDSON'S FIRST
IMPRESSIONS, EVERYBODY. >> PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!
