<b>>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND </b> <b>UPDATE," WITH COLIN JOST, AND </b> <b>MICHAEL CHE.</b> <b>[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]</b> <b>>> THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, </b> <b>EVERYONE.</b> <b>>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" </b> <b>I'M MICHAEL CHE.</b> <b>>> AND I'M COLIN JOST.</b> <b>Well after President</b> <b>Trump was criticized for a</b> <b>terrible response to Hurricane</b> <b>Maria.</b> <b>This morning he finally gave</b> <b>the people of Puerto Rico what</b> <b>they needed most.</b> <b>A bunch of tweets straight up</b> <b>calling them lazy.</b> <b>>>> TRUMP SAYS THE PEOPLE OF </b> <b>PUERTO RICO, QUOTE, WANT </b> <b>EVERYTHING TO BE DONE FOR THEM".</b> <b>THEN HE TOLD HIS CADDY TO REPAIR</b> <b>HIS DIFFICULTY AND DRIVE HIM TO </b> <b>THE NEXT HOLE.</b> <b>TRUMP ALWAYS SAID HE WAS GOING </b> <b>TO GET THINGS DONE FASTER THAN </b> <b>ANY OTHER PRESIDENT.</b> <b>NOW I BELIEVE HIM.</b> <b>IT TOOK GEORGE W. BUSH TO GET </b> <b>HIS KATRINA.</b> <b>MEANWHILE, RAPPER PITBULL HAS </b> <b>LOANED OUT HIS PRIVATE JET TO </b> <b>HELP RESCUE PEOPLE IN PUERTO </b> <b>RICO.</b> <b>WOW, IF ONLY DONALD TRUMP KNEW </b> <b>SOMEONE WITH A PRIVATE JET.</b> <b>[ LAUGHTER ]</b> <b>HOW IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE </b> <b>UNITED STATES WORSE AT </b> <b>HUMANITARIAN AID THAN PITBULL.</b> <b>AND YOU KNOW PITBULL IS DOING IT</b> <b>WHILE ALSO FEATURING ON FOUR </b> <b>DIFFERENT TRACKS AND HOSTING </b> <b>FOAM PARTIES FOR BUD LIGHT.</b> <b>TRUMP IS BUSY DOING THE REAL </b> <b>WORK, MAKING EXCUSES WHILE HALF </b> <b>EXPLAINING WHAT AN ISLAND IS.</b> <b>JUST WATCH.</b> <b>>> THIS IS AN ISLAND, SURROUNDED</b> <b>BY WATER, BIG WATER, OCEAN </b> <b>WATER.</b> <b>>> WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?</b> <b>THIS ISN'T A TREACHEROUS </b> <b>JOURNEY.</b> <b>IT'S PUERTO RICO.</b> <b>NOT SKULL ISLAND.</b> <b>CRUISE SHIPS FULL OF RETIRED </b> <b>AUNTS GO THERE EVERY DAY.</b> <b>I THINK TRUMP IS WORKING OF ONE </b> <b>OF THOSE OLD SAILOR MAPS WITH </b> <b>SEA MONSTERS ON IT.</b> <b>>> AFTER THE MAYOR OF SAN JUAN </b> <b>CRITICIZED THE GOVERNMENT'S </b> <b>PUERTO RICAN RELIEF EFFORTS </b> <b>PRESIDENT TRUMP ATTACKED HER ON </b> <b>TWITTER SAYING, "THE MAYOR OF </b> <b>SAN JUAN WHO WAS VERY </b> <b>COMPLIMENTARY ONLY A FEW DAYS </b> <b>AGO.</b> <b>HAS NOW BEEN TOLD BY THE </b> <b>DEMOCRATS THAT YOU MUST BE NASTY</b> <b>TO TRUMP."</b> <b>OH, REALLY, DONALD?</b> <b>YOU BITCH.</b> <b>WAS SHE NASTY TO YOU?</b> <b>HOW NASTY?</b> <b>ARE YOU SHAKING?</b> <b>DO YOU WANT TO SMOKE A VIRGINIA </b> <b>SLIM UNTIL YOUR HAND STOPS </b> <b>MOVING?</b> <b>THIS ISN'T A COMPLICATED ISSUE, </b> <b>MAN, IT'S HURRICANE RELIEF.</b> <b>YOU JUST DID THIS VERY SAME </b> <b>THING FOR WHITE PEOPLE, TWICE.</b> <b>SO, TELL MELANIA TO PUT ON HER </b> <b>FLOOD HEELS.</b> <b>GET YOU SOME BOTTLED WATER, SOME</b> <b>FOOD, SOME ATLANTA FALCONS SUPER</b> <b>BOWL T-SHIRTS, WRITE A CHECK AND</b> <b>-- WITH OUR MONEY, YOU CHEAP </b> <b>CRACKER.</b> <b>IN ONE MONTH YOU HAVE MISHANDLED</b> <b>PUERTO RICO, DACA, THE NFL.</b> <b>IT'S LIKE WHEN ANYBODY DARKER </b> <b>THAN YOUR GOLF PANTS HAS A </b> <b>PROBLEM YOU ARE THINKING HOW CAN</b> <b>I MAKE THIS WORSE.</b> <b>HEALTH AND SERVICES SECRETARY </b> <b>TOM PRICE WAS CAUGHT USING </b> <b>ALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS IN </b> <b>TAXPAYER MONEY TO FRIDAY ON </b> <b>PRIVATE JETS.</b> <b>THAT'S COOL YOU RESIGNED, BUT </b> <b>HOW ABOUT YOU PAY BACK THE </b> <b>MONEY?</b> <b>YOU CAN'T WALK INTO A STORE AND </b> <b>DO A MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF </b> <b>DAMAGE AND THEN BE LIKE I GET </b> <b>IT, I'LL LEAVE.</b> <b>MAN, WE WANT YOU TO PAY.</b> <b>YOU CAN MAKE THAT MILLION BACK </b> <b>WHEN YOU PUBLISH YOUR MEMOIR, </b> <b>ALL THE PLACES YOU'LL GO ON A </b> <b>GOVERNMENT FUNDED PRIVATE JET.</b> <b>>>> THIS WEEK PRESIDENT TRUMP </b> <b>CONTINUED HIS CRITICISM OF NFL </b> <b>PLAYERS WHO TOOK A KNEE DURING </b> <b>THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.</b> <b>HE FIGURED CNN MSNBC ALREADY </b> <b>HATE ME, HOW CAN I GET ESPN TO </b> <b>HAID MADE ME, TOO.</b> <b>BECAUSE TRUMP NEEDS EVERY </b> <b>NETWORK TALKING ABOUT HIM, NEXT </b> <b>HE IS GOING TO TWEET AT </b> <b>NICKELODEON THAT THEY NEED TO </b> <b>SHOW US DORA'S PAPERS.</b> <b>>> THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA </b> <b>SAID THAT HE EXPECTED PLAYERS TO</b> <b>FOLLOW LEAGUE RULES AND STAND </b> <b>DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.</b> <b>THE NBA IS WHAT, 130, 140% </b> <b>BLACK?</b> <b>WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING TO DO</b> <b>IF THEY ALL DECIDE TO KNEEL?</b> <b>HAVE THE NEW YORK PORZINGIS PLAY</b> <b>THE SAN ANTONIO GINOBILI?</b> <b>AND, HOW DID THIS GUY GET TO BE </b> <b>THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA </b> <b>ANYWAY?</b> <b>HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY PUT A </b> <b>SUIT ON A SEX TOY.</b> <b>IT'S HARD TO ASK BLACK PLAYERS </b> <b>TO RESPECT THE FLAG WHEN THEY </b> <b>KNOW THIS COUNTRY CARES MORE </b> <b>ABOUT IT THAN US.</b> <b>OKAY?</b> <b>WE LOVE THE FLAG, IT'S JUST THAT</b> <b>WHITE GUYS REALLY LOVE THE FLAG.</b> <b>I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO LIKE </b> <b>I BET IF YOU ASK A BLACK PERSON,</b> <b>DO YOU LOVE AMERICA?</b> <b>HE'S LIKE, WHOA I LOVE BROOKLYN,</b> <b>I AM RESERVING JUDGMENT ON THE </b> <b>DAKOTAS.</b> <b>>> ANGELA MERKEL WAS REELECTED </b> <b>AS CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY FOR A </b> <b>FOURTH TERM AND IS NOW THE </b> <b>LONGEST SERVING LEADER IN </b> <b>EUROPE.</b> <b>HERE TO COMMENT IS GERMAN </b> <b>CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL.</b> <b>[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]</b> <b>>> OH, YEAH, I AM THE WINNER, </b> <b>YAY!</b> <b>YAY!</b> <b>>> WAIT, WAIT, ARE YOU HAPPY </b> <b>THAT YOU WON?</b> <b>>> YES.</b> <b>OF COURSE I'M HAPPY.</b> <b>IS THAT NOT COMING ACROSS?</b> <b>I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY SMILE.</b> <b>YAY!</b> <b>>> IT LOOKS A LITTLE TORTURED.</b> <b>>> OKAY.</b> <b>WELL, TO BE HONEST, COLIN PART </b> <b>OF ME WAS HOPING TO RETIRE EVEN </b> <b>THOUGH THE AVERAGE RETIREMENT </b> <b>AGE IN GERMANY IS 87, AT WHICH </b> <b>POINT YOU TRANSITION INTO MANUAL</b> <b>LABOR.</b> <b>ALSO, MY VICTORY WAS BITTER </b> <b>SWEET BECAUSE THE FAR, FAR RIGHT</b> <b>PARTY WON SEATS IN OUR </b> <b>PARLIAMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME </b> <b>SINCE THE -- YOU KNOW.</b> <b>>> WHAT WAS THAT?</b> <b>>> YOU KNOW, THE --</b> <b>>> THE NAZIS.</b> <b>GOT YOU, YEAH.</b> <b>YEAH, I GOT TO SAY YOU SEEM </b> <b>STRESSED OUT CHANCELLOR.</b> <b>>> OH, THANK YOU.</b> <b>>> NO, I MEAN I'M WORRIED ABOUT </b> <b>YOU, I'M WORRIED THAT YOU ARE </b> <b>DEALING WITH A LOT.</b> <b>>> YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.</b> <b>IT'S LIKE EVERYONE IN EUROPE IS </b> <b>HAVING A ROWDY SLUMBER PARTY AND</b> <b>I'M THE MEAN MOM WHO HAS TO SEND</b> <b>THEM TO BED WITHOUT THEIR </b> <b>RADISHES.</b> <b>>> DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLIES LEFT </b> <b>>> NO ALLIES.</b> <b>MOSTLY ACTORS THESE DAYS.</b> <b>EXCEPT OH, FOR THAT FRENCH HUNK </b> <b>MACRON, OOH-LA-LA.</b> <b>GET ME SOME DIAPHRAGMS.</b> <b>I THINK OF THIS GUY I'M LIKE, </b> <b>OBAMA WHO?</b> <b>BARACK IS IT WORKING?</b> <b>AM I MAKING YOU JEALOUS?</b> <b>LEAVE MICHELE.</b> <b>>> OH NO, YOU'RE STILL THAT HUNG</b> <b>UP ON OBAMA, HUH?</b> <b>>> I KNOW I MUST ACCEPT THAT </b> <b>IT'S OVER AND MOVE ON.</b> <b>SO, I DECIDED TO GET RID OF </b> <b>EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE THAT </b> <b>REMINDS ME OF HIM.</b> <b>THIS LOVE LETTER I WROTE HIM BUT</b> <b>NEVER SENT.</b> <b>TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I </b> <b>RESPECT YOU, TEPID REGARDS, </b> <b>MERKEL.</b> <b>A MIX CD I MADE YOU BUT WAS TOO </b> <b>SHY TO GIVE.</b> <b>IT'S A MIX OF ALL THE SONGS BY </b> <b>CREED.</b> <b>A PICTURE OF US AT THE G20 </b> <b>SUMMIT.</b> <b>I WAS COLD AND YOU LET ME BORROW</b> <b>YOUR JACKET.</b> <b>TURNS OUT WE WERE WEARING THE </b> <b>SAME SUIT.</b> <b>I HAD TO STOP FOLLOWING HIM ON </b> <b>SOCIAL MEDIA SO I WOULDN'T BE </b> <b>TEMPTED THE SLIDE INTO HIS DMs.</b> <b>ONE NIGHT I HAD ONE TOO MANY </b> <b>SHOTS, ONE.</b> <b>AND I SENT HIM A PICTURE OF MY </b> <b>BARE KNEE.</b> <b>HE WROTE BACK, IS THAT A PEELED </b> <b>POTATO?</b> <b>[ LAUGHTER ]</b> <b>>> WOW.</b> <b>IT REALLY MUST BE HARD TO GO </b> <b>FROM OBAMA TO TRUMP.</b> <b>AND I ALSO HEARD THAT TRUMP </b> <b>WAITED FOUR DAYS BEFORE HE </b> <b>CALLED YOU TO SAY CONGRATS.</b> <b>>> FOUR DAYS.</b> <b>FOUR DAYS, HE WAITS.</b> <b>WHICH IN GERMANY IS LIKE </b> <b>20 BUSINESS DAYS.</b> <b>FINALLY I SENT HIM A TINY </b> <b>E-MAIL, I WAS LIKE ARE YOU GOING</b> <b>SAY ANYTHING?</b> <b>AND HE WAS LIKE OH, SORRY, JUST </b> <b>SAW THIS, DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE.</b> <b>AND I WAS LIKE, THAT FEELING </b> <b>WHEN HE DOESN'T TEXT YOU BACK, </b> <b>BUT YOU SEE HIM TWEETING.</b> <b>>> I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME</b> <b>TIME AFTER YOUR VICTORY TO </b> <b>RELAX.</b> <b>HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE </b> <b>CORNER.</b> <b>>>> ALREADY KNOW WHAT MY SFOOUM </b> <b>WILL BE.</b> <b>I WILL BE GOING A SLUTTY ANGELA </b> <b>MERKEL.</b> <b>THAT'S ME, BUT WITH A HAT.</b>
