Weekend Update on a $18 Cup of Coffee - SNL

>> A NEW COFFEE SHOP HAS OPENED IN BROOKLYN THAT WILL SELL AN $18 CUP OF COFFEE, WHICH ONLY MAKES SENCE TO ME IF IT SERVED WITH A SIDE OF $15 DAMN DOLLARS. [ LAUGHTER ] AN AMERICAN WOMAN SET A NEW RECORD VISITING EVERY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD IN 19 MONTHS. AFTER ALL THAT TRAVEL SHE FOUND THE ONE THING THAT HAD BEEN INSIDE HER ALL ALONG. ZIKA. >> A MASSACHUSETTS COUPLE WHOSE SON WAS BORN DURING THE SUPER BOWL HAS NAMED HIM BRADY. WHILE AN ATLANTA COUPLE WHOSE SON WAS BORN DURING THE SUPER BOWL NAMED HIM, "SON OF A BITCH." [ LAUGHTER ] >> VALENTINE'S DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. SMOOTH TRANSITION. HERE ARE SOME TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL NIGHT, A GUY WHO JUST BOUGHT A BOAT. >> HOW ARE YOU, MAN? >> I'M GREAT. YOU ARE LOOKING VERY DAPPER, MAN. TRES DAP. THE DAP KING. DAP KING COLE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> I'M JUST KIDDING, MAN. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. EVERYBODY GETS A LITTLE. SO, V-DAY. LET'S GET INTO IT. FIRST OFF, YOU GOT TO GET THAT RES, DOG. >> I'M SORRY, WHAT? >> SHORT FOR RESERVACHE'. [ LAUGHTER ] A LOT OF PEEPS ARE GOING TO SAY THAT ON V-DAY YOUR GIRL IS GOING TO WANT SOME SUSH' IN HER BOOSH' -- [ LAUGHTER ] BUT I BEG TO DIFF' YOU ARE GONNA WANT TO SPRING FOR A STEAK DIN'. M'KAY, SOMETHING WITH BLOOD. [ LAUGHTER ] ANYWHERE WITH A FIREPLACE, A COAT CHECK AND A LATER MAITRE D' WITH ASS FOR DAYS. I HAVE A SMALL PENIS -- [ LAUGHTER ] UH -- ONCE YOU LOCKED DOWN THAT RES, IT'S ON TODAY DE FLEUR, AKA, THAT'S FRENCH FOR FLOWERS. I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT LONG STEMMERS, BOYS. NOTHING DROPS THE SLINGSHOT LIKE A DOZEN REDHEADS. PRO-TIP SEND A DOZEY' IMPORTS TO HER OFFICE, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF HER CO-WORKERS IS GOING TO BLOW HER LEVIS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> BLOW THEIR LEVIS? [ SIGH ] >> JOST McBOOSH -- I CAN TELL YOU HAVE NEVER DONE THE V-D RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ] TIP NUMERO TROIS. LIGHT A BUNCH OF CANDLES ALL OVER YOUR APT, CHICKS ARE LIKE MOTHS, GUYS. THEY GO CRAZY FOR FLAMES, MY JUNK SUCKS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> I'M SORRY, DIDN'T YOU INITIALLY COME ON TO TALK ABOUT BOATS? >> GETTING THERE, LASSIE! YOU KNOW COLLIE, COLIN. COLIN JOST, IT'S YOUR NICKNAME, BRO. [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS LOVE TRAIN A-SCOOTING. [ LAUGHTER ] GOT TO TEACH MY PEEPS TO LAND HO. I WON'T BE LONG, I HAVE TO BE SOME WHERE LATER, BUT IT IS NOT ON LAND. >> IS IT A BOAT? >> A LADY NEVER TELLS. >> LET ME SAY THIS, I'M ABOUT TO GET NAUGHTY, C OOH. L. COL. ALL THESE TIPS ARE WASTED UNLESS THAT ARM CANDY IS NICE AND SWEET. IF YOU ARE GOING TO TIE YOURSELF DOWN. >> YOU WANT TO -- >> GUY JUST BOUGHT A BOUGHT, EVERYONE. >>> A CHEETO THAT LOOKED LIKE HARAMBE WAS SOLD. IT WAS A LITTLE LIKE HARAMBE IS THAT HE ALSO DESERVES TO BE SHOT. >> OFFICIALS IN ENGLAND SAY OVER 60 MILLION OF COCAINE WASHED UP ON A BEACH. FOR REFERENCE HERE'S WHAT $60 MILLION OF WASHED UP COCAINE LOOKS LIKE. >>> THANKS TO THE 50 SHADE OF GRAY FILMS MANY COUPLES HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING WITH BONDAGE AND S & M IN THE BEDROOM. HERE TO SHARE THEIR EXPERTISE, A COUPLE WHO RECENTLY GAVE IT A SHOT. GREG AND SHELLY DUNCAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO, MICHAEL. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US. >> WAS IT HARD TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP INTO S & M? >> YOU MAY BE SHY. I SUGGEST, A GLASS OF WINE OR TWO. >> ABSOLUTELY. >> GOING OFF THE THEME OF PROPER PREPARATION. IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO FIGURE OUT THE EXTENT TO WHICH YOUR LIMBS CAN BEND BEFORE THEY BREAK. AND HONEY, THAT GOES FOR YOUR PENIS AS WELL. >> IN THE 50 SHADE OF GRAY MOVIE THERE IS A LOT OF SPANKING IS THAT SOMETHING YOU GUYS TRIED? >> OKAY. I CAN TAKE THAT ONE. YES WE, DID. JUST A HEAD UP, AS A COUPLE TAKE THE TIME TO DEFINE WHAT A SPANK IS. IS IT AN OPEN HAND TAP ON THE REAR END? OR A CLOSED FIST PUNCH TO EVERYWHERE? >> GREGORY. >> KEEP SOME THINGS, PRIVATE, BABY. >> BABY. >> BUT MY HUSBAND MAKES A GOOD POINT. KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTNER FEELS COMFORTABLE WITH. LIKE -- ARE BLINDFOLD OKAY? >> UH-HUH. >> IS PICKING YOUR PARTNER UP OVER YOUR HEAD AND BURNING HIM ON AN OVERHEADLIGHT COOL? GUILTY. >> ARE HANDCUFFS A FAIR GAME? IN MY CASE, YES. >> DOES BEING WATER BOARDED WITH YOUR OWN URINE TURN YOU ON. IN MY CASE, NO. >> SO THIS JUST SOUND PAINFUL. WHAT DID YOU ENJOY ABOUT IT? >> WELL WE LOVED GETTING CREATIVE AND PRETENDING TO BE OTHER PEOPLE. DIDN'T WE, BABY? >> UH-HUH. I EVEN HAD A LITTLE NAME FOR HER. I CALLED HER MISTRESS XANDA. WHAT WAS THE NAME YOU HAD FOR ME? >> TOILET DOG. >> TOILET DOG. >> I WOULD SAY FUN LITTLE THINGS, LIKE EAT YOUR FEAR LITTLE TOILET DOG. GRR. >> YEAH, WELL -- ANY TIPS FOR OUR VIEWERS WHO STILL MAY BE INTERESTED IN GIVING S & M A SHOT. >> GO FOR IT. A LITTLE CHANGE COULD MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE. >> YEAH, ALSO, KNOW YOUR BLOOD TYPE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> GREG AND SHELLY DUNCAN EVERYBODY! FOR WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M MICHAEL CHE! >> AND I'M COLIN JOST, GOODNIGHT! ♪♪♪

Channel: Saturday Night Live

Views: 4,332,223

Rating: 4.8217769 out of 5

Keywords: SNL, Saturday Night Live, Season 42, Episode 1718, Weekend Update, Colin Jost, Michael Che, Politics, Alex Moffatt, Guy Who Just Bought a Boat, Leslie Jones, Mikey Day, live, new york, comedy, sketch, funny, hilarious, late night, host, music, guest, laugh, impersonation, episode 14, alec baldwin, actor, donald trump, president, trump, 30 rock, the boss baby, julie’s greenroom, Jack Donaghy, glengarry glen ross, ed sheeran, musician, shape of you, castle on the hill, thinking out loud

Id: lrp3Gxbich4

Length: 6min 55sec (415 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 12 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/usurpual]

This wasn't very funny.

[u/theimpspeaks]

I have to say that there is a reason I quit watching SNL long ago. That just wasn't funny.