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>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST
AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT'S UP, GOOD EVENING, HI. HI, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME. WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M
MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
OKAY, I HAVE A SERIOUS QUESTION, GUYS.
WHO STILL WORKS IN OUR GOVERNMENT?
LIKE, WHO STILL HAS AN ACTUAL GOVERNMENT JOB?
AT THIS POINT, THE WHITE HOUSE IS LIKE THAT DEAD MALL IN YOUR
HOMETOWN, WHERE IT'S JUST LIKE A SUNGLASSES KIOSK AND A COUPLE
RACCOONS FIGHTING IN A JC PENNEY.
>>> HOPE HICKS PRESIDENT TRUMP'S COMMUNICATIONS ADVISER SAID
WEDNESDAY SHE PLANNED TO RESIGN TO PURSUE OTHER OPPORTUNITIES.
YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD, WHEN A 29-YEAR-OLD WITH NO EXPERIENCE,
WHO WORKS DIRECTLY FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
THINKS, I GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS DEADEND JOB.
SHE'S RESIGNING TO PURSUE OTHER OPPORTUNITIES, THE SAME WAY
PEOPLE ON THE TIE TARNIC DECIDED THEY WANTED TO SEE OTHER BOATS.
>>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT JARED KUSHNER, WHO BY THE WAY IS
THE ONLY GUY WHO MAKES ME LOOK ETHNIC --
WAS ALSO STRIPPED OF HIS TOP SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE THIS
WEEK. AND AT THAT EXACT MOMENT,
THOUGH, HE DIDN'T YET KNOW WHY, STEVE BANNON GOT HIS FIRST
ERECTION IN 10 YEARS. >>> DURING A BIPARTISAN MEETING,
PRESIDENT TRUMP CALLED FOR MORE GUN CONTROL.
NOW OFFICIALS FROM THE NRA ARE SAYING AFTER MEETING WITH THE
PRESIDENT, HE'S BACKED OFF THAT POSITION.
OH, REALLY, HE MET WITH GUN ENTHUSIASTS AND HE SOMEHOW
CHANGED HIS MIND? YOU KNOW THAT ONCE HAPPENED TO
ME, I SPOKE OUT ABOUT GANG VIOLENCE, AND THEN WITH A
MEETING WITH THE BLOODS ON THE ROOF OF MY BUILDING.
I DECIDED I DISAGREED WITH MYSELF TOO.
>>> ANOTHER PROPOSAL SAID WE SHOULD GIVE GUNS TO TEACHERS.
I TRIED TO CONSIDER THAT IDEA, THEN I REMEMBERED I HAD CATHOLIC
NUNS AS TEACHERS GROWING UP, THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE RUNS.
I MEAN, THEY WERE VIOLENT ENOUGH WITH RULERS.
OF COURSE, NUNS ARE VIOLENT. IMAGINE A TEACHER AND HOW
FRUSTRATED THEY ARE ALSO TIME. NOW IMAGINE A TEACHER WHO'S A
NUN. THEY CAN NEVER HAVE SEX.
>>> DICK'S SPORTING GOODS HAS ANNOUNCED THAT IN THE WAKE OF
THE FLORIDA SHOOTING IT WILL IMMEDIATELY STOP SELLING ASSAULT
RIFLES. GOOD.
MAYBE NOW WE CAN STOP PRETENDING THAT HUNTING IS A SPORT.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT. I'VE NEVER SEEN A DEER GET SHOT
AND THEN GRABBED HIS SIDE AND SAY, "AH, GOOD GAME."
YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE TERRORIZING ANIMALS A SPORT BECAUSE YOU LIKE
TO DO IT. IF YOU GET CAUGHT HAVING SEX
WITH A DEER, YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, UNHAND ME, I'M AN ATHLETE.
SHOOTING ANIMALS FOR SPORT IS WRONG ANYWAY.
THERE'S SO MANY SAFER WAYS TO FEEL STRONG AND MAKE YOUR HEART
RACE. TRY SMOKING CRACK, OKAY?
DON'T HUNT FOR FOOD, JUST EAT RICE.
YOU DON'T NEED TO HUNT IF YOU EAT RICE.
YOU DON'T NEED TOILET PAPER EITHER.
WE CAN'T JUST LET ANYONE HAVE AN ASSAULT RIFLE.
THE SAME WAY WE CAN'T LET ANY COUNTRY HAVE A NUKE.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CAUTIOUS AND INSANE.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAVING A CONDOM IN YOUR WALLET
AND WRAPPING YOUR ENTIRE PENIS IN BUBBLE WRAP.
>>> HOPE HICKS SHOCKED MANY BY ANNOUNCING SHE'S RESIGNING.
HERE TO EXPLAIN IS HOPE HICKS. >> HI.
>> I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED YOU'RE HERE.
I FEEL LIKE I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER HEARD YOU SPEAK.
>> NO, YOU HAVEN'T. 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T.
I NEVER HAVE. I'VE NEVER HAD TO.
LIKE, NO ONE EVER PRESSED ME ON IT.
THE MEDIA'S ACTUALLY BEEN SO NICE TO ME.
LIKE, ACTUALLY LIKE INSANELY NICE TO ME.
>> WHY DO YOU THINK THE MEDIA'S BEEN SO NICE TO YOU?
>> UM, WELL, IF I HAD TO GUESS, I'D SAY BECAUSE MY HAIR AND FACE
ARE GOOD. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT, ALSO,
HONESTLY, I JUST -- I TRY TO STAY OUT OF WHOLE ARENA.
BECAUSE COMMUNICATIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE IS A MESS.
>> YEAH, AND YOUR JOB WAS? >> WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS
DIRECTOR. >> RIGHT.
>> ANYWAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, WORKING AT THE WHITE HOUSE WAS
LIKE GOING TO SUMMER CAMP. YOU MAKE ALL THESE NEW FRIENDS,
YOU BARELY GET ANY SLEEP, AND THEN EVERYBODY LEAVES AFTER
EIGHT WEEKS. PLUS THERE'S TONS OF CUTE GUYS
THERE, MOST ARE CLASSIC BAD GUYS, CRAZY HAIRCUTS, AND
BREAKING THE LAW, AND THEY'VE ALL HIT A GIRL.
>> THAT'S A BAD BOY? >> NO, BECAUSE THEY'RE MEN.
SO THEY'RE BAD MEN. THEY'RE REALLY BAD MEN.
>> AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT? >> OKAY WITH IT, I WAS LIKE A
KID IN A CANDY STORE. I WAS LIKE, I THINK I'M GOING TO
LIKE IT HERE. >> THAT'S COOL.
>> ANYWAY, I REALLY AM GOING TO MISS ALL MY FRIENDS FROM MY
SEMESTER ABROAD AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND, I WANT TO READ A STATEMENT I PREPARED.
>> SOME PEOPLE DANCE IN OUR LIVES AND QUICKLY GO.
THEY ALWAYS LEAVE FOOTPRINTS ON OUR HEARTS AND FINGERPRINTS ON
RUSSIAN DOCUMENTS. TO KELLY ANN, YOU TAUGHT ME THAT
A STRONG WOMAN COULD RUN A CAMPAIGN AND WIN.
AND YOU SHOWED ME WHAT I COULD TURN INTO IF I STICK AROUND TOO
LONG. YOU'RE LIKE THE HUMAN VERSION OF
PICTURES OF BLACK LUNGS ON CIGARETTE BOXES.
TO DONNY, I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR HOPEY.
WHICH IS WHAT YOU CALLED ME WHEN YOU NEEDED HELP, BECAUSE YOUR
BIG RED TIE TOUCHED THE TOILET WATER.
IT WAS SO MUCH FUN BEING THE TRUMP TRANSLATOR.
LIKE THAT WOMAN WHO TAUGHT SIGN LANGUAGE TO COCOA THE GORILLA.
>> WHAT? >> YEAH, WE HAD SIGNS LIKE,
DONALD HUNGRY. DONALD ANGRY.
DONALD SLORNGRY. >> WAIT, WHAT'S SLORNGRY?
>> OH, THAT'S WHEN HE WAS SLEEPY, ANGRY AND HORNY.
AND DONNY, NEVER FORGET OUR LITTLE INSIDE JOKE -- THE
MEETING WAS ABOUT RUSSIAN ADOPTION.
HE'LL GET THAT, BUT YOU WON'T KNOW THAT ONE.
THIS IS THE HARDEST ONE. IVANKA, MY BFF, YOU WERE THE ONE
WHO TOLD ME ABOUT THIS INTERNSHIP OR JOB OR WHAT IS IT?
AND EVER SINCE THEN, IT'S BEEN LIKE A NEVER-ENDING SLEEPOVER.
LIKE ONE WHERE YOU WAKE UP AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT YOU
OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOU'RE LIKE, IS THAT MY FRIEND'S DAD IN THE
DOORWAY? IS HE STANDING THERE WATCHING
US. AND IT WAS THAT MOMENT STRETCHED
OUT OVER THREE YEARS. HEARTS, GIRL.
AND TO EVERYONE ELSE AT THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE, SEE YOU AT
THE REUNION IN 10 YEARS. SEVEN WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR.
>> HOPE HICKS, EVERYONE. >> I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY.
