>>> THE CEO OF AMERICAN AIRLINES
MET WITH THE HEAD OF THE NAACP OVER ALLEGATION HAS THE AIRLINE
IS RACIALLY BIASED. I BET THEY BOTH SHOWED UP LATE.
SEE, IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO MAKE THAT JOKE BECAUSE I'M RACIST.
YOU KNOW, OF ALL THE STEREOTYPES ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE I HAVE NEVER
HEARD THAT WE ARE BAD ON PLANES. NOW IF YOU SAID THE NAACP HAD A
MEETING WITH THE CEO OF LOWE'S CINEMA, YEAH, THAT
TRACKS. BUT BLACK PEOPLE ARE AWESOME ON
PLANES. WE ALWAYS HAVE HEADPHONES.
WE ALWAYS WEAR SOCKS. WE NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS
UNLESS WE ARE TELLING YOU TO SHUT THAT BABY UP.
THE REAL PEOPLE YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ON PLANES ARE WHITE
WOMEN NAMED GAIL WHO COLLAPSE WHEN PLANE LANDS.
>> MTV HAS LAUNCHED A SPIN-OFF OF ITS HIT "JERSEY SHORE" SERIES
SET ON THE COAST OF ALABAMA AND FLORIDA CALLED "FLORIBAMA
SHORE," WHERE THE CAST MEMBERS CAN CONTRACT GONNORMIDIA.
A MOM IN WISCONSIN TOLD POLICE SHE FOUND A PACT OF METH IN HER
CHILD'S HALLOWEEN CANNY RIGHT AFTER POLICE ASKED HER WHY SHE
WAS RAKING THE LEAVES NAKED AT MIDNIGHT.
MIDNIGHT. >>> THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF
SERIOUS NEWS THIS WEEK, BUT HERE WITH
HERE WITH "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" "GOOD NEWS REPORT" IS EVERY
BOXERS GIRLFRIEND FROM EVERY BOXING MOVIE EVER.
>> HEY MICHAEL. >> HEY, ANGEL.
SO HOW WAS YOUR WEEK? >> I'M OKAY.
I'M HANGING IN THERE. >> OKAY.
SO I HEAR YOU GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR US?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, TOMMY IS FIGHTING TONIGHT.
SO I'VE BEEN BETTER. >> WELL, I HOPE HE WINS.
>> YEAH, WELL, I HOPE HE STAYS ALIVE TO SEE OUR KIDS GROW UP.
HOW MANY MORE -- HOW MANY MORE HITS 'TIL IT'S ENOUGH?
>> ARE YOU GOING TO THE FIGHT AT LEAST?
>> NO. NO.
I TOLD HIM IF HE FIGHTS AGAIN, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO MY
SISTER'S. SO THAT'S WHERE I'LL BE.
YOU KNOW NOW. AND COLIN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW,
TOO, WE'LL BE AT MY SISTER'S. >> OKAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU ARE HERE TO TALK ABOUT NEWS.
SO LET'S DO THAT. HOLIDAY SPENDING IS EXPECTED TO
BE UP THIS YEAR. >> OH, COME ON.
>> DID I SAY SOMETHING? >> YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN HERE
BEFORE WITH YOU, HOLIDAY SPENDING A LOT, OKAY?
AND IT'S UP. AND WE'RE HAPPY AND THINGS ARE
GOOD. AND THEN, BOOM, IT'S DOWN.
I CAN'T WATCH THAT. YOU KNOW, I HAVE WORKED IN A LOT
OF BARS IN MY LIFE. BUT I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY FOR MY
KIDS, MIKEY, NIKKI, AND PEPPERS. OKAY?
SO IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS, HOLIDAY SPENDING, I'M TAKING THE
KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. >> OKAY.
>> DO YOU HEAR ME? >> YEAH.
I KNOW. >> DOES COLIN KNOW?
COLIN? WE'LL BE AT MY SISTER'S.
>> I'M AWARE. >> OKAY.
>> LET'S MOVE ON TO SOME GOOD NEWS.
YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS. >> OKAY, OKAY.
>> APPLE PREDICTS ITS RELEASE OF THEIR NEW Iphone X WILL BE THEIR
BIGGEST OF ALL TIME. >> OH, COME ON.
WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP? EVERY YEAR?
A NEW iPHONE? AND THEY TELL ME IT'S DIFFERENT
THIS TIME. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T GIVE UP ON MY OLD iPHONE AFTER A YEAR, ALL RIGHT?
YOU THINK -- YOU THINK YOU ARE THE FIGHTER?
I'M THE FIGHTER. I HAVE STILL GOT BY 4S, ALL
RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT.
>> YOU SHOULD REALLY GET A NEW PHONE.
>> YEAH, YEAH? WHAT KIND OF WOMAN WOULD I BE IF
I DID THAT? YOU KNOW WHERE I'M GOING TO BE
THE DAY THAT PHONE COMES OUT? >> YEAH, AT YOUR SISTER'S.
>> AT MY SISTER'S, WITH MY KIDS, YES.
COLIN, DID YOU HEAR THAT? >> I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU ARE
SAYING. YES.
>> WE ALL HEARD YOU, ANGEL. LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
HAPPY. SNOOPY BALLOON WILL BE RETURNING
FOR THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.
>> OH, COME ON, THAT BALLOON IS ALMOST 60 YEARS OLD.
I CAN'T TAKE IT. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN IT
TAKES TO HOLD THAT THING UP? YOU ARE DONE.
YOUR BROKEN DOWN PIECE OF RUBBER.
ALL RIGHT? AND IF YOU THINK FOR A SECOND
THAT I'M TAKING MY KIDS TO THAT PARADE AND NOT TO MY SISTER'S,
YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMING, MICHAEL.
OKAY? >> YEAH, I HEAR YOU.
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, WHERE ARE YOUR KIDS NOW?
>> AT MY SISTER'S. >> EVERY BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND,
EVERYBODY. >> I'M THE FIGHTER.
I'M THE FIGHTER. I'M THE FIGHTER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> A NEW REPORT RAMPGS THE NEW
YORK CITY SUBWAY SYSTEM AS THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY.
THIS IS ACCORDING TO MASTER BAITING HOBO MONTHLY.
>> VERY IMMATURE. >> NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL IMPOE
TENANCY MONTH, BUT I JUST CAN'T GET EXCITED.
>>> THIS WEEK THE HOUSTON ASTROS WON THE WORLD SERIES IN AN EPIC
MATCHUP WITH THE DODGERS. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS NEW
BASEBALL FAN, LESLIE JONES. >> WHAT'S UP, COLIN.
>> WHAT'S UP, LESLIE? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SUCH A
BIG YANKEES FAN. >> YES, IMYOU BOUNTIFUL SNOWMAN.
FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS. I LOVE TO SEE THOSE FINE MEN IN
THEIR TIGHT LITTLE PIN SFRIP PANT.
YOU SHOULD HEAR ME AT THE BALL GAME.
HEY, GARY SANCHEZ, WHEN YOU GOING TO COME HIT THIS OUT THE
PARK? HEY GREGORIUS, YOU CAN ROUND MY
BASES ANY TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE GREG-GORGEOUS.
I AM A DIE HARD FAN, COLIN. LOOK AT THIS PIC, OF ME, AT THE
GAME. THERE IS GARY SANCHEZ AT ME.
AND THERE IS ME LOOKING AT THAT ASS.
CALL ME, GARY. THAT NET CAN'T KEEP US APART.
NOT FOR LONG. >> WELL, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
PRETTY UPSET THEN WHEN THE YANKEES LOST IN THE ALCS TO THE
ASTROS. >> OH, COLIN!
WE WERE SO CLOSE. ONE GAME AWAY FROM THE WORLD
SERIES. COLIN, HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN SO
CLOSE TO SOMETHING ONLY TO HAVE IT TAKEN FROM YOU?
>> I DON'T KNOW. >> YEAH.
THAT'S CAUSE YOU WHITE. YOU GET EVERY DAMN DAMN THING.
BUT I WAS MAD AS HELL. OKAY?
THAT LITTLE ALTUVE HIT ALL THOSE HOME RUNS AGAINST US.
THE BAT IS BIGGER THAN HIM. AND GEORGE SPRINGER IS PANAMIAN
AND PUERTO RICO. HIS NAME IS GEORGE SPRINGER.
THAT'S THE NAME OF A GOOFY MATTRESS SALESMAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> EXCUSE ME.
HOW IS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT?
LET ME KNOW. >> FROM THE HOUSTON ASTROS,
GEORGE SPRINGER, ALEX BREGMAN, JOSE ALTUVE.
>> PEARLS. >> SINCE WE ALREADY KNOW THAT
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY WATCH BASEBALL, WE WOULD REALLY LIKE
TO GIVE YOU A GIFT TODAY. >> OKAY.
YOU CAN GIVE ME ANYTHING YOU WANT.
>> THIS IS AM ASTROS SWAG SO YOU CAN HOP ON THE BAND WAGON, TOO.
>> OH, WHATEVER. >> HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
>> OH, I LIKE BALLS. >> I LOVE IT.
I LOVE IT. >> FUNNY, BECAUSE ACTUALLY
LESLIE WAS -- >> SHUT UP, COLIN.
I KNOW WHAT I SAID, BUT THESE MEN ARE FINE AS HELL.
OH, I'LL TAKE IT ALL BACK. CONGRATULATIONS YOU GUYS.
I LOVED WATCHING YOU ALL WIN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES. I THOUGHT IT WAS SO SWEET THAT
CORREA PROPOSED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND AFTER THE GAME.
IT LOOK LIKE THIS DUDE IS ON ONE KNEE RIGHT NOW.
>> IT'S NOT JOSE'S FAULT HE'S SHORT.
>> OH, THAT'S OKAY. COME HERE BABY, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING. YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WOO.
NOW, THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I USUALLY SAY AT ALL.
I MEAN, NEVER. BUT GOOD THINGS DO COME IN SMALL
PACKAGES. >> LESLIE JONES AND THE WORLD
CAMP ON HOUSTON ASTROS. FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I'M COLIN
JOSE. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
GOOD NIGHT.
