-I have a doctor's note.
-Oh, good. I'll read it. -For the airtime?
-Yes. [ Laughter ] [ Clears throat loudly ] "To whom it may concern, please use Pete in more sketches
where he gets to kiss the host. And use more of his rap videos, which I hear
are actually really good." [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -Last week, voters rejected the Houston Equal Rights
Ordinance, which would have required
businesses to allow transgender people access
to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more on this
is Pete Davidson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, how you doing, Colin? Yeah, so apparently,
this anti-discrimination law was voted down because
some people claim it's just an excuse
to allow guys in the women's restrooms,
you know? The theory is that men,
in their relentless quest to watch women
go to the bathroom, are going through
years of hormones, surgery, changing their name, their wardrobe,
coming out to their family, all for that big payoff
of peeing in a room without urinals. [ Laughter ] What is this fantasy that they
think is going on in there? There's no shirtless
pillow fights. There's no disco ball. I grew up with a mom and sister, so, like, I know
a little something about sharing a room --
like, a bathroom with women. It sucks. Nobody wants to hang out
in there. Last week, I accidentally walked
in on my mom on the toilet, and I don't think we're ever
gonna speak again. [ Laughter ] Even if, for some reason,
you're desperate to use women's bathrooms, you don't need a sex change
to do it. You can just walk in. There's no bouncer.
[ Laughter ] The door's right there. Seriously, I've been using
the ladies' room here to poop for like the last two months. -Yeah, we've actually gotten
a lot of complaints. -Yeah, from me.
It's filthy in there. [ Laughter ] I thought girls were supposed
to be the clean ones. It looks like a man
made out of toilet paper was murdered in there. [ Laughter ] -Then why do you keep
using it? -Because it's the only
bathroom that has wi-fi, and Cecily has a beautiful
singing voice. [ Laughter ] That was my favorite line. [ Laughter ] Look, you know why I'm not
worried about a woman in the men's room? 'Cause every sporting event
I've ever been to, a girl has bursted in and said,
"Line's too long. I'm peeing in here."
And guess what. It didn't ruin my pooping
experience. If anything, it's the only
reason I washed my hands. -Pete Davidson, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ] -Earlier this month,
courts ordered the website Gawker
to pay Hulk Hogan $140 million for releasing
the sex tape of the pro wrestler
without his consent. With more on this
is Pete Davidson. -Yay, thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Thanks, Mike.
-You're welcome, Pete. -So, I understand that this
was, like, an invasion of Hulk's privacy
and he deserved compensation. But $140 million? Do you realize that makes
Hulk Hogan the world's highest
paid porn star... by $139 million?
[ Laughter ] That means, like, the court
thinks he lost $140 million in future earnings because
of the damage this caused to his reputation. He's a senior citizen
who used to oil himself up and pretend to fight immigrants
in his undies. [ Laughter ] What job opportunities
has he lost? Like, plus he even admitted that
he knew he was being recorded, which I find hard to believe, because he's not
that good an actor. There's no way
he does a whole sex scene without pretending once
that his junk is knocked out and he has to Hulk it up
to finish the job. You're telling me that that tape
is more embarrassing than him playing Thunderlips
in "Rocky III"? I think he's just mad
'cause this tape proved that he was lying when he said
he had a 10-inch penis. Yeah, it turns out it's a mere
seven, which, in my experiences, is a good four inches
more than anyone needs. [ Laughter ] -[ Laughs ]
-That's good. -What? It's how you use it. [ Laughter ] Hey, I do okay! Right, Che?
Well, you wouldn't know. [ Laughter ] Colin, right? [ Laughter ] Look, at the end of the day,
it's just a tape of two, you know, adults having
consensual sex. So why are we slut-shaming
Hulk Hogan? Like, why do we slut-shame
anyone? 'Cause that's a real problem. I mean, like, why do guys make
fun of women for doing something we spend every night praying
that they'll do to us? [ Laughter ] Like, we got to stop making
girls feel bad about having sex with random guys,
or they'll stop having sex with random guys.
[ Laughter ] What are you? Idiots? Is that the world
you want to live in?! [ Laughter ] Millions of repressed
horny dudes desperate for physical
contact, never growing out of
their childhood, wearing costumes into their 30s,
and play-fighting each oth-- Oh, my God. That's where
wrestling fans come from. [ Laughter ] -But [chuckles] why does
Hogan's settlement bother you so much? -'Cause, like, I've had my own
sex tape out for months and, like, I can't even
afford to, like, park my car in Manhattan.
[ Laughter ] -You put out a sex tape?
-Yeah, and I can't get a single website, like,
to post -- I'm not even asking
for $100 million. I'll take, like, 4 grand,
like... I just -- I don't want to have
to leave my mom -- you know, my car at my mom's
house anymore. Hook me up, Gawker. Like... -But, Pete, wouldn't
that be unfair to the other person
in the video with you? -Other person. [ Laughter ] Oh,<i> that's</i> why they're not
posting it. -Pete Davidson, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Google it! -It's a good tape.
-It's a good tape. -It's a good tape. -All this week,
confirmation hearings are taking place for
Donald Trump's cabinet nominees, and here to quickly
sort them out in a new segment called
"First Impressions" is Pete Davidson! [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, Che. How you doing? All right, so, Donald Trump has
made about 20 different picks for his cabinet, and Democrats
don't like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when
every liberal in America was like, "Come on,
Mitt Romney!" [ Laughter ] Look, I don't know everything
about politics, or anything, for that matter, but I'm a pretty good judge
of people based on my first impression. So here we go. For Attorney General, Trump
picked Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions,
a man who looks like Dobby from Harry Potter wished to be a real boy.
[ Laughter ] Next, we've got the nominee
for Treasury -- metrosexual Apple Genius Bar
worker Steven Mnuchin. [ Laughter ] He's a Goldman Sachs guy
worth over $1 billion. A long time ago, he was like,
"When I have $1 billion, women will have sex with me." And now he's like,
"Maybe a trillion." [ Laughter ] Next is Trump's nominee for
Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson. Trump thinks Carson should be
in charge of Housing because he lived in the projects
as a child. Really? If you're an expert
on wherever you were born, does that mean I could be
Secretary of the Honda Civic? [ Laughter ] Sorry, Mom. For Secretary of Commerce,
the pick is Wilbur Ross. I've heard this guy's
a billionaire investor, but I'm pretty sure
I've seen him sitting on Jeff Dunham's lap. [ Laughter ] I knew I recognized him. -He looks just like him.
-Yeah. Trump's pick for
Secretary of Labor is a guy named Andrew Puzder. If you've ever wondered
what Michael Fassbender would look like if he played
Lex Luthor, wonder no more.
[ Laughter ] Puzder was the C.E.O. of
Hardee's, and now he's gonna be in charge of all the workers
in America. You know how I know
that's a bad idea? Because this is the first time
you've heard the word "Hardee's" in 15 years.
[ Laughter ] And then, there's Eric Trump. You know, this guy's
not in Trump's cabinet, but I couldn't resist.
[ Laughter ] His hair says 1985, but his face screams,
"Put the lotion in the basket!" [ Laughter and applause ] -Pete Davidson's
"First Impressions," everybody! -Put the lotion in the basket! [ Cheers and applause ] -Each week brings a new
controversy for President Trump as well as another person who
has to defend him to the media. Here to sort them out is
Pete Davidson with his "First Impressions."
-Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] -What up, y'all? Defending President Trump
is a really tough job, and a couple of weeks ago,
they brought out this guy -- Trump spokesman and
James Bond villain Stephen Miller.
[ Laughter ] Poor Steve.
He tries to project strength, but he looks like Fredo Corleone
had been even sicker as a child. Still, you have to give him
credit. He's made it pretty far
for a guy who was in high school voted
"Most likely to have a cigar box full of missing girls'
driver's licenses." He lasted about a week. Then they got to Deputy
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who's one of those sweet
Southern girls that you marry
if you're gay. [ Laughter ] I like that one.
-[ Laughs ] -So now members of Congress
try to defend Trump, like the head of the House
Committee on Oversight, Jason Chaffetz. You probably remember
when he played Simple Jack from the movie
"Tropic Thunder." [ Laughter ] Another person forced to
defend Trump is Paul Ryan, who got to be the House Speaker
after someone waved a magic wand over a ventriloquist dummy. [ Laughter ] All the Republicans wanted
Paul Ryan to come up with something to replace Obamacare. And now that he did,
everybody hates it. And I know what this is like,
because for years, people have been asking me
to quit drugs and get sober. And now that I have, everyone
thinks I'm unfunny and boring. And hey, at least I have
dreams now and I've started waking up
with boners again. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.
Thank you very much. Hard as a rock. -All right, man.
-But now no one -- Well, maybe not as great as
yours, but whatever. [ Laughter ] Sorry. But, you know --
[ Laughter ] Sorry. But no one defends Trump better
than Fox News, and it starts every morning
with "Fox & Friends." This is Donald Trump's favorite
show, because they trade in for a new blonde
every two years. And this year's model is
Ainsley Earhardt, who looks like she's with
her dad's friends who keep talking about how much
she's grown. [ Laughter ] Of course, the king of Trump
supporters is Sean Hannity. He looks like a thumb, which explains why he's so far
up Trump's ass. [ Cheers and applause ] You know --
Thank you. I hate him, too. I guess he likes Trump because
his hair is also really weird. And, like, the top of his head
looks like two eyebrows got to live their dream of,
like, being hair. -Ah, so that's what it is!
Pete Davidson, everybody! -I wake up with boners again!
[ Cheers and applause ] -For "Weekend Update,"
I'm Colin Jost! -I'm Michael Che.
Good night! -Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ] Well, there's also been a
national conversation this week about mental health. Here to share his thoughts on
this topic is Pete Davidson. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey! Thank you! Thanks, guys. Oh, thanks. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, as some of you may know, I was recently diagnosed with
borderline personality disorder, a form of depression, and depression affects
more than like 16 million people in this country, and there's
no, like, cure, per se, but for anyone dealing with it, there are treatments
that can help. First of all, if you think
you're depressed, you know, see a doctor and talk to them
about medication, and, also, be healthy. Eating right and exercise
can make a huge difference. And, finally,
if you're in the cast of a late-night comedy show, it might help if they, you know,
do more of your sketches. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -I'm sorry. Wait.
Are you saying that you're depressed because you're
not getting enough airtime? -Oh, no, no, no.
I was born depressed. But it might make me feel better
if I was on TV more. [ Laughter ]
-I-I don't know if this is maybe the best solution, Pete. -I mean, it's worth a shot.
I mean, come on. This show is like 8 hours long, and there's like
50 sketches a week. It seems weird
you wouldn't use one them to fight mental illness, but I
guess that's not your style. -Okay. All right.
Well, maybe one approach might be to write more sketches
for yourself, Pete. -That won't work.
My sketches suck because they're all written
by a depressed person. [ Laughter ] Lorne said that.
-Okay. -Okay. So it's sort of like
a chicken-and-the-egg thing. -Exactly.
In fact "Chicken and the Egg" was also one of my sketch ideas
that got rejected. It was about a chicken
that ate eggs, but it was also about Black Lives Matter. [ Laughter ] -That sounds terrible.
-It is. So I need you to, like,
write it for me. -Wait.
You haven't even written yet? -No! I'm, like, depressed!
Look. Here. I have a doctor's note.
-Oh, good. -I'll read it.
-For the airtime? -Yes.
-[ Chuckles ] -[ Clears throat loudly ] "To whom it may concern, please use Pete in more sketches
where he gets to kiss the host. And use more of his rap videos, which I hear are actually
really good." [ Laughter ] "Also" -- [ Laughter ] This doctor's good, man.
-Yeah. Sounds like a real doctor. -"Also, he should play
Rex Tillerson a lot. Signed,
Pete Davidson's doctor." And there you have it.
-That sounds legit. That sounds like a legit...
[ Cheers and applause ] ...doctor's note, Pete. Also, I'd just --
I would like to point out, Pete, that you look nothing
like Rex Tillerson. -So, give me a mask!
Like, what? He looks like a Muppet
fell in a lake. [ Laughter ] And that's just one of
the many jokes you'll see next week on Pete Davidson's
"First Impressions" segment. -Pete Davidson, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
