- I'm not Russell Brand. That's my birth mom. (laughs) Thank you very much. Also, Katy Perry told me to tell you that you look like a mixture of every Napoleon Dynamite character (laughing) all meshed into one. - Katy would never say that. She was very, very good. (Italian style music) - Hey guys. So you guys wanted it, we lost our minds last time, but we are back playing Uno for some reason, 'cause we love torturin' ourselves. And I thought I'd mix it up a little bit, but we can't play Uno, even though she didn't win she requested to come back, Aunt Carolyn, you are back. Hi. - Uh-oh. It's time to live,
laugh, love some more. - I'm so glad you made
it back. I'm so glad. - (smacks lips) Oh! - We barely got to scratch
the surface of who you are as a person last time, so I'm really happy. Who else do we have joining us? Straight from what seems
to be the depths of hell. Hi, who are you? - Hi, I'm Abernathy St. Beans. I was a contestant on Love Island and now I'm an influencer, fashion model. I like to wear glasses that I don't need. - And rounding us off, I think we have a special guest today. Hello? - Hi. Yes. My name is Dusty. I hate when people call
me a traveling salesman. I'm a salesman that travels. They are very different. - Oh.
- I was not aware that I would be playing
here today with my ex-wife, but hello, after many years. - Dusty, you rat bastard! (laughs)
- Carolyn, I know. I just want to get through the game. - You traveling salesman son of a bitch! - You said you'd stop
calling me that in '03 and you're still doin' it. Come on, Carolyn. Let's be mature here. Love can be tough though. Let's try to make it through the game. - Love is a game, definitely. Especially when you're on an
island with other sexy singles and you've got to decide
which of you gets to stay and which doesn't. - Ooh, that's a cool, like an island of love, like
some kind of sex island. - Some kind of like isthmus
of romance or something. (laughs) Like a atoll of (bleep). - Oh (bleep). I forgot
to pluck my whiskers. - Oh. - Ah.
- We can barely tell on camera. You look gorgeous.
- Okay. Okay, good.
- It looks like you snogged the Kool-Aid Man to death. (laughing) - Oh. That's so nice. - She's had those whiskers her whole life.
- You guys are all so sweet, except for you, Dusty, you prick. - Carolyn, I've told you
you had whiskers in '03. You haven't trimmed 'em since then. In case you guys didn't know, '03 was a big year for us.
- Yeah, and because of that remark is why I jammed
a corkscrew into your kidney and I tried to leave you in Reno, but you managed to survive. - Okay, well, joke's on you, Carolyn, that I actually did a little
bit of a kidney bypass that I was plannin' on havin' anyways. So ha, ha. Once again,
joke's on you there, gal. - Ah. - What's funny is, like, I
forgot that we did this before and that it took so long. - Yeah.
- I wish I hadn't signed up for this. (laughs) - (laughs) I'm so sorry. - I forgot how to play, didn't I? - You gotta match the
colors and the numbers. - I don't remember. It's not gonna happen. - Yeah, there we go. Why don't you draw a couple
cards out the gate there. - You've just mugged me
right off, haven't you? - Wow. - Well, get used to it, brother. It's happening the whole game.
- It's a bit muggy. It's not that you've done it, it's the way that you've done it. You could have pulled me for a chat and just talked about it. - I'm just trying to survive here, okay? That's my only iota here today. - Now, Dusty, you mentioned that you're a traveling salesman. Can I ask what kind of sales you're in? - Listen, they're oils. They may or not have been derived from various reptile and,
or amphibian species. You might commonly know 'em as snakes. I do not sell snake oil.
- Oh. They are derived from them. They help various cures
and ailments, all right? - Okay, all right.
- It's his urine. - It's not-- - What? - One time I mighta mixed a couple vials. You always bring this up, every time. - So you've sold your own urine to people and told them that it's-- - His urine, my urine. 'Cause I pee everywhere.
- Wow. Sure, sure. - And so it ended up in there. But he sold it. - I did successfully sell it.
- He did sell it. Look. Dusty is a piece of (bleep) (bleep) with a weird penis. (laughing) But he's got--
- I would like to-- - Some good traits.
- Formally refute that. - And one of them is that he can sell, he can sell some bull (bleep). Oh, it's my turn! - I don't know why, but it skipped me. - Oh. - Missed the boat again there, Carolyn, just like you did any of your youth. - Oh. Just because I was
part of that cult growing up, doesn't mean I missed it. I still had some fun times, just not when we were sacrificing people. - Oh yeah, fun times. You know, I took you outta that cult, I can sure as hell put you back into it. - Nah, (mumbles) you try, son of a bitch. - You two, try to stay civil. We got a long game ahead of us. - Sorry, I just hate the lady to my core. I don't know what to tell you there. - No, I get it. It's an
interesting dynamic. (chuckles) - Kind of miffed that she's
not sittin' next to me here. I wish I could unload a
lot of the crap cards I got right on her, but Damien, you'll have
to pass on the favor. - Yeah, you better stay
across the (bleep) screen. - I don't know how she's doin' it, but Carolyn's kickin' me
under the table right now. - Someone's callin' Uno? Wait a second. - I didn't do nothin'. I was just listening to you. I didn't say nothing about you. - Well, you're fucked 'cause
I got a ton of cards now. - I'ma unload hell's fury
on you here in a sec. - I wish you wouldn't. I wish we have a really fast game, and then I'm gonna change
my accent between rounds. - This is what we signed up for. - Gus, think about it I could change accents between rounds. It would really help me out.
- (grunts) All right. - It could be so great.
- Let's go ahead and lay that one down there. - Wait, but please. No. (bleep) (bleep) my bones. (laughs) - You made a decision and
you have to commit to it regardless of game play, I'm so sorry. - What does this card do? - Oh, it's nothing good. Thank you. - Hey (bleep) you. - (laughs) Wow. - Typical bitch move. - Matt, you know what
I'm missin' for this? Do you know what it is? I'm missin' a big ol' jar of mayonnaise. - No, you know what? I don't think you are missing it. - But in England--
I don't think we should ever do that bit again.
- We call them crisps. - Uh-oh, my turn. - You call a jar of mayonnaise crisps? - Crisps. So I'm missin' my crisps. - Speaking of crisps, you know who is a better
lay than you, Dusty? Crispin Glover. - [Matt] Wow. - [Carolyn] He was a better lay than you. - Star of Wilfred. - That's right.
- I could've also gone to the Back to the Future
part two convention, but I didn't that day. That's bull (bleep). - Is it Wilfred the one
that told me about diabetes? - That's the Brimley one. That's real close there. - He ran for governor of Arkansas. Did anyone else know that? - I actually did not happen
to know that factoid. - I didn't know that.
- I appreciate you bringing that my way. - Interesting that you know these things.
- It's a lie! - Oh. (laughs) - Damn it. - Okay, I'm makin' this
character as I'm doin' it. So now I'm a liar, that's
what my things is (laughs). - Why don't you have a couple
more of those there, guy. - How's Katy Perry doing? Weren't you engaged to her? - I wasn't engaged. I was in
the Little Brothers program, she was over seein' me on
the weekends to make sure some quality time was sent.
- You too? - Dusty, you mother (bleep),
I wasn't even talking to you. You were? What? - I didn't see her romantically. She just spent quality time with me, we played various activities
and got ice cream. It's not a big deal. - Wow.
- You knew this. - I know that you were
initially makin' fun of me, and I'm not Russell Brand,
that's my birth mom. (laughs) - [Abernathy] So thank you very much. Also, Katy Perry told me to tell you that you look like a mixture of every Napoleon Dynamite character (laughing) all meshed into one. - Katy would never say that. She was very, very good. - She sang it, sir. - Katy! - She's a very astute woman. - I'm not gonna have you drag my lady through the mud like this, all right? You're gonna hear from my lawyers. (smacks lips) - Sorry, I just had a laughing fit there. I was thinking about My
Big Fat Greek Wedding. - The film or an experience
that happened to you? - Oh, I'll leave that up to you. - Well, I was there for neither of 'em so I can't fill in the blanks.
- That's right, you weren't. - You know what?
- You weren't. - Carolyn, what glass--
- That's 'cause you're not allowed in
the country of Greece after what you did. - Listen, tannerite should be able to be transported over borders, it is a low-grade explosive,
(laughing) I don't think that's askin' a lot. - I am learning a lot
about your business, sir. (giggles) - Dusty, do you think when
most people come across you in Red Dead Redemption they just go, "Ah, this
side quest is bull (bleep)"? Do you think?
- Carolyn, do you know how much it meant to me to
be CGI'd into that game? I wish you wouldn't tear it down, okay? - Oh. Oh. (tongue warbling) - Oh, by the way. (tongue warbling) Hey Carolyn, what glass of
wine is that there for you? Isn't it about 10 in
the morning right now? - Hey, (bleep) you. (laughing) - She has a good point. - When I did it, that's what
I always did in debate club. That's why I was president
of the debate club, is 'cause it would come
to me and I would just go, "(bleep) you." It's like an Uno thing,
you just throw it back. - Debate club is somethin'
you do in middle school. You shouldn't be proud of adult intramural community
debate club, Carolyn. That's kinda stupid. - Isn't that just Twitter? - Abernathy, can I ask you somethin'? - You already have.
- (mumbles) business proposal. Ah, God, I hate people like that. Are you lookin' to buy
a couple a M80 fireworks maybe on the DL perhaps
after this game's done? - Have you been reading my texts? That's exactly what I need! - Hey, you're sendin' 'em,
I'm grabbin' 'em, all right? I gotta couple kilos that I
can sling your way there, guy. - Kilos? Yeah, of the M80--
- Milk. - Fireworks there. - Oh. M80. - You want milk too? Those are kinda two different
ballparks there, guy. - I'm talkin' kilos of
that Colombian white, you know, milk. - You call milk, Colombian white? - I do. - Oh.
I also call it the farmers gift, a slick
bottle of M, udder sap. - Give me five more. - The white whisper. El drinko blanco. Pasture juice. - Uh-oh. - Uh-oh. - Uh-oh. - No, that's not happenin'. - Says you disconnected, you (bleep) clod. - Oh no. Connection timed out. Are you guys still able to play? - Yeah, we're havin' a great time. - Well, that's fine. I'll just listen in. - (laughs) Yeah, you've
been replaced by an AI, Aunt Carolyn. I'm so sorry. - Oh, well, watch,
that's my guardian angel. It's fine because for one, I
don't know how to play Uno. - I still don't.
- What? - And two, I am fully color blind. (laughing) Fully.
- This was a great choice to play with you then, I think. - Everything is It's A
Wonderful Life for me. (laughing) Which explains my attitude. - Mm-hmm. - You made it considerably
far into the game having been fully color blind. I'm surprised you held your own. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But if I drink enough I dream in color. Or at least I think they're colors. Explain orange. You
can't. So I just guess. - What color of wine do you
think you're drinkin' right now? - Dark? It's a dark gray. - That's not even how color blind works. I'm certain of it, Carolyn. (laughing) - You sure there's not
maybe some gin in there or somethin' of the sorts? - Oh. Yeah. - So were you lyin' to yourself there? (laughing) - Dusty, you old clown. You know (laughs). Sometimes I just make stuff up. That's why I was president
of the improv club and why I was so good at that. I would do debate, I'd get done with that, wipe the sweat off my ass and
walk over to the improv club. (laughs) (exaggerated coughing) Sorry (laughs) I needed
to get the demons out. (laughing) - You know part of the
reason Carolyn and I split up is 'cause she absolutely
destroyed my bank account taking adult intermural classes at the community college behind my back. - That's right. That's
right, I took nude painting. - You said it was fully clothed painting and it was specifically
in the title of the class. - Well, so it was fully
clothed, but I was nude. - That's why I was (mumbles). - And nobody said I couldn't be. (laughs) - They specifically, weekly, called me and said that you couldn't be. - I think that was just the establishment trying to just destroy art. - Everything is not a damn
conspiracy here, Carolyn, okay? You were exposin' yourself
to people down at the intermural college here. You just can't do that. - Well, there's nothing wrong
with learning a little bit about how a woman looks. - If you sign up for it, maybe. - Well. - Don't you do it. Please, Gus, don't. Save us time. Please. - Wow. Wow, wow.
- Thank you, Christ. - Ah, I didn't even
know you could do that. - Boom! Boom!
You can just wing the buttons the whole dang time.
- Wow. - And you know what I've won? - What?
- A different voice. - No, no, no, no.
- Well, you just lost out on that M80.
- I think you should commit. - Tonight we've got three sexy singles playing Uno and Matt Raub's there too. - Yo, can I take a turbo
piss real quick here? - Take a turbo piss. - Careful it doesn't bore straight through the back of your toilet. - Are we sure they're not peeing together? (gasps) - Oh no. - Yep, that's great. - Put these headphones on. - Hey, you both disappeared
at the same time and came back at the same
time, I'm just sayin'. - Yeah, and you're both walkin'
a little bow-legged now. (laughing) And Aunt Carolyn, you've got a little penis water on your lip there. - We love to just get in
fights and then (bleep) back. - You've been ripped apart
at the seams every year, biannually it feels like, and then that hot just unmitigated sex in the back of my two by four truck is always what inevitably
just brings us back together. - It was the premiere
of Extreme Home Makeover that I think really got
us horny for each other. - That was just it. I remember sittin' on my credenza there and the second Ty Burrell
said, "Move that bus," we both looked at each other and we each had matching erections. (laughing) - Wow. Impressive. I won't ask any more questions. - Thank you. - No, no, no, no, no. You can ask more. See, I don't have a penis,
but my clitoris is huge. (laughing) - I'd like to see them connected
with a Chinese finger trap. - Ooh. Ooh, this wine is good. I need to chase it down. - Oh no. Oh no.
- Is that Kahlua? That's my Kahlua and you
know you're supposed to keep that in the storage unit. - Oh, I'm getting absolutely (bleep). Just like in Vegas. - Oh! - Oh, did you also go see
Thunder From Another Mother? That's what I perform in. - Oh, you're a performer? - Yeah, I was sued twice by Bono for taking more or less what he does. - That's really great. You must have just an
incredibly impressive dingus. - It's more impressive in shape, not size. It's more like, "I've never seen a lobster
tail that looks like that." - Wow, pinchers and all? - I don't know if
Carolyn had the fortitude to tell you guys this, but when she keeps referring
to this Vegas trip, she's omitted one important detail. 'Member we were down at the Bellagio and she took a real digger
on a piece of free hot dog and ate it into one of the
Wonder Woman slot machines and knocked out four
teeth in the front there. So those are all just
popcorn kernels up there. Those aren't even real teeth. - Wow.
- Okay. Okay. Yeah. Sure. - Hey, as long as we're
bein' truthful, all right? - Look, it was supposed to stay in Vegas. The teeth stayed. (laughing) - To be fair, we did try desperately for four to six hours to find 'em, but they were no where to be seen. - They were gone. And then I saw them on the black market. - I put 'em up. - That's good. - You (bleep). - One of the other wares that you sell. - I told ya I had to work that weekend. I wasn't gonna stop. - Oh, thank you. - Hey, Carolyn. - What, you mother (bleep)? - Before I took off, you said
you'd hold on to the old, the dog, the family dog. Have you been feedin'
and takin' care of 'em? - Carolyn? - Yeah! Oh. - I know we have our troubles, but I want the best for our dogs. I was wondering, could I have old Rufus say hi? Is he around at all? - Oh.
- I'd love to see even part of him pop on screen for a second. - Uh, yeah, hold on. - That would mean the
world to me, thank ya. - Oh, yeah. Hold on. Oh,
it's my turn! Uh-oh! Okay. Let me go find him. Oh, Rufus!
- Yeah, okay, good. As long as you do have 'em, that's great. - [Carolyn] Rufus! Are you here? - Hey, Rufus! Dad's here. - [Carolyn] Shit (bleep).
Fuck (bleep) (bleep). - [Dusty] Toss the (bleep) AirPod to 'em. Carolyn. (bleep) She runnin' off with
the dog, she'll do that. You guys gotta watch her. - [Carolyn] Oh, (bleep). - Looks like she's playin' with it. - [Dusty] I'm not seeing anything. - He's real tired. - Oh. (laughs) - He's tired? - (laughs) He needs to sleep. Oh, he can't come out no, he'd be so mad. He'd be so mad right now, Dusty. He can't come out right now. - He'd be mad?
- He needs to sleep. He needs to sleep. He
needs to (blows bubbles) (laughing) - You're just blowin' bubbles
into it at this point. (laughs) Can I just ask you one
thing though, Carolyn? That's fine if you
don't wanna wake him up. - Yeah. - He's definitely not, like you didn't neglect
him to the point where he inevitably perished
in your home, correct? - (gasps) What? (laughs) - I had to ask. I knew you wouldn't mind. - Dusty! (laughing) - [Abernathy] Well, it booted Gus. - All right, looks like (laughing) Dusty, you're watching
the rest of the game. - I think Carolyn might've kicked me out.
- Why would you say something like that. - Oh, they both
disconnected. That's great. - You and me, Abernathy. - Perfect.
(laughing) The dream team. - Yeah. Exactly. - Wait, is your name Dusty as a character? - [Dusty] Yup. - That's your AI! That's the AI that replaced you! Isn't that crazy to anyone else? - It's weird. - Is that actual? - I'm not (bleep) with you. - (laughs) Are you actually serious? - Yes! - I never typed that name into anywhere.
- I know! - All right, we're very close
to finishing this round. I'm so glad that I was able to reconnect Carolyn and Dusty here. Do you guys feel like your
relationship is fixed? - Well, I didn't expect
to ever see her again. Carolyn and I actually took
place in a landmark legal case that introduced the post-nup
into the marital statuses here. And mine explicitly--
- True. - Stated that I don't ever wanna see her goddamn rat (bleep) face ever again. (laughing) Clearly, she's violated those terms.
- No, Zoom is a work around. It doesn't involve that. You're talking about
face-to-face in person, like I can't come to
your Staten Island home and stand outside with a
boombox playing our sex tape. - I'm done. Ah, I hit my headphones. You win the game.
- I don't know. I thought I destroyed all those DVX tapes. I don't know anyone that even
has the camera to play those. - You forgot the cassettes. I had the cassettes. - Damn it, you took my
tape deck too, lady? - I'm so glad that we
could reconnect you guys. I guess this time, Abernathy,
you are the winner, two in a row. - I saw. Which is so weird
because I didn't have a single bite of mayonnaise all day. - Yeah, thank goodness for that.
- But I still won and I had my power. - Dusty and Carolyn, Abernathy,
thank you guys for joining. I appreciate it. It was certainly something. At least Uno wasn't the thing that made us go crazy this time. - No, just my bitch of
an ex-wife as usual. - Oh, just my stupid (bleep)
weird penis ex-husband. - Okay. - She's just violatin' post-nup junctures left and right here, I'd just like to point out. - You've got a weird penis too? - It's medically being examined. They could do that to regular penises too if it was part of a study. It doesn't mean it's that weird or flat. - Well, thank you guys for joining us, and thank you guys for watching. If you want us to play
character Uno or Uno again, leave a comment below. Don't forget to watch a video over here. If you want to watch
what we did last time, and something over here just for you. Thank you all for joining (laughs). I really appreciate it. - Guys, it was me, Damien, the whole time. - Oh, my God! It was Damien! (laughing) - Abernathy St. Beans is not (mumbles). - I look like Old Gregg. (laughing)
