Tim Hawkins

I love comedy it's fun spot the unexpected if no clue what I'm gonna do next to you ma'am what's your name Roxanne you don't have to wear that thing tonight Roxanne you have no clue what I'm gonna do next day you didn't know I was gonna do that digit Roxy it's all about surprise Roxanne so I tell people all over the country you got to do something different do stuff that people don't expect you know like I tell my kids that when they're in class you know teach your ask them a question they don't know the answer to don't make up some dumb answer try that they will never ask you a question again can't afford to go to movies can't rent movies cuz IO late fees to every video rental place in a 20-mile radius of my house on the blockbuster witness relocation program right now to change my identity if I want to rent a movie let's buy a card now we're paying off chitty-chitty bang-bang sweetheart I love my Walmart is my favorite I look I think when I die I'm gonna donate my body to Walmart made me a front door greeter you see how you go get a card love to a comedy there's a few bad things about being a comedian now I have my own hand gesture when I tell people I'm a comedian they go oh dude you're Canadian they do that like when a yellow everywhere and we're on the road Hooda come be done on your foot again see no other profession has that like oh you're a substitute teacher you work at the golf course like weather in Texas we have those bad hurricanes this year and they still send the hurricane correspondent down there to the scene of the hurricane to show you how bad it is why do they do this I mean we can see how bad it is and I see the trees going back and forth see the cows flying across the screen it's my best counter-strike very good then they have this thing called relative humidity which I have no idea what that's for like today the relative humidity it's gonna be 80 degrees outside but it's gonna feel like 112 well then it's 112 like say I'm gonna hug you but it's gonna feel like I'm slapping you in the face back at you jump but if there is ever any hit to snow they just shut her down baby oh you got you're used to they just don't you think it up Hoodie there's a flurry hold the doors state of Texas has one bag of sand get ice on the road like a salt shaker we ready in a minute Peppermill it's hard to not lose weight in Texas cuz everything is fried down there gravy is a beverage it is chicken-fried steak is everywhere in every restaurant of Texas you will find chicken-fried steak I went to a Chinese restaurant they had chicken-fried steak it's called Kung Pao Bubba Arup and my family eats way too much I know if he ever anybody has a father like this my dad especially around the holidays he's always complaining about how much he ate like uh-oh what do I do this why can't I eat like a normal human being go take a nap right here yeah bring me a piece of pie like dad can we leave the restaurant first gotta write down what you hear the way people talk is funny in Texas heard these two guys at a store talking about this thin girl they're like hi Dave check her eye out man she's pretty thin she better start eating her people gonna think she's dyslexic the disease right there saw this guy bragging on his kid at a little league game he's like everybody right fella drive arm and his left arm he's amphibious oh special child you have this her two people fighting in a Walmart one times like hey honey don't get your panties in an uproar sounds not quite right sir but people all over the world speak funny like that you know I was in the corporate world I was interviewing this guy I think it was from India and I could tell he was nervous cuz midway through the interview he goes yes sir I just want to get my crack in the door you do you're hired sir she really want this job yeah you comment either like this a beautiful crowd tonight we do i I do a lot of tough crowds you know last week I did a midnight lock-in for some middle schoolers about 500 of them you're not talk about some pain there right before going they throw in candy to the kids I'm like I get them sugared up that'll be great like 500 Bevis clones crowd some of your tummies crowds are in churches go to church a while back Linda middle my actus lady gets up I can't believe you're making fun of rednecks how do you think you are so listen mom can you sit down I'm in the middle of an act here spit out your Copenhagen ain't allowed in the sanctuary some good some bad in churches all over you know same thing there's some phrases that I get kind of uncomfortable with I hear in church as I go to like the phrase love on you if you ever heard that once like that's like where's Mona welcome you visitors wages won't I love on you I'm going okay I don't think I want to be loved on by you folks just yet overuse phrases like God gave me this and God gave me that you ever been a church and you'll see the lady come up and saying God gave me the thumb he gave it to me and then she sings the song and you're thinking maybe you should give it back come on love the airports I love those moving sidewalks they have at the airport so I can get to the wrong gate quicker I feel so judgmental on the moving sidewalk you know of the people who don't use the moving sidewalk I'm more like you people not see this what about this do you not get I like to get off at nothing just run yeah where did that guy come from was that the flash this was my favorite superhero the flash he didn't really have a superpower he was just prompt airplanes are great except it's hard to sleep on an airplane I flew to Seattle the other day for our flight what if they can give us a little bit bigger pillows something bigger than a chiclet let me fluff this thing oh yeah fits right in the crease right there yeah can I have a hundred more of these please yeah oh no it's fine it's plenty then you give you that blanket let's get away like this oh yeah size of a dish towel yeah almost covers the whole pectoral right there yeah just like my comforter at home humming la-la-land right now and then the seats are the worst how do you sleep in an airplane seat they're just like you're getting a seat you know you kind of like this yeah and that's about it right there whiplash is underrated right oh yeah that's great Posturepedic right I think I'll roll over hey my seat goes bad Oh where remembers that been kicking myself all day you got any restaurants you know particularly like when you're on the road one of my favorites is the International House of Pancakes or IHOP for you members carrying memories a lot it's tough and I have because my favorite thing is called the rooty tooty fresh and fruity I've got a hard to be macho when you're ordering the ready to tea freshen fruity yeah yeah all Negro eats yeah Oh give me one of them are out there hey cop I got ya oh I'll eat the Rudy - yeah man give me the Rudy - yeah just give me the rooty tooty fresh and fruity extra strawberry and a coffee then you got to rent cars when you're on the road the other day I had an upgrade for a rent-a-car they gave me a Geo Metro that was the upgrade I was like what am I gonna lose I gonna get skates Hey won't be a little late to the beat love rennet cars when you're in a rent-a-car cuz you don't need Kleenexes you it's not your car you can do that get the stock waiver maybe that thing but actually got fired I used to rent cars has a job I won't name the company enterprise um well I got fired one day I was I don't know it's kind of a weird mood this guy comes in he's like didn't get the exact car he wanted I wanted election uh-huh we don't have in you know we just said sir this the only car we have he's like well do they have heated sinks I said well if you go like this she fired me very hurt Oh people drive crazy in Texas man I don't know if they drive crazy here people just don't know how to use their cell phones they don't I'm sure none of you have that I was driving the day this lady was swerving in and out of traffic talking on her cell phone and doing her makeup at the same time jammu driving with her knees Hey huh so upset man I almost spilled my bowl of cereal I mean that is that's rude right yeah can't drink milk anymore mr. Hawkins well what am I gonna drink well you can try rice milk yeah thanks doc where do I pay and then in rice milk is like drinking baby spit-up it's just awful you know what I'm talking about and then means I gotta go to the health food store here we go to the health food store why do people that work at the health food store look so unhealthy you know those days like right this way to the precious terrible rice milk so much more expensive than regular milk I don't know why yes because the rice is harder to milk I don't know gotta have real small fingers err sheekha yes I'm a professional smart aleck ladies and gentlemen I learned it at a young age I had a smart-aleck fourth grade teacher her name was mrs. Nelson she's one of those ladies that used to he didn't use the exact right grammar she'd make you look dumb in from the whole class it's like I go hey miss Nelson can I go to the bathroom dude Oh No can you do like I can and I just did smart aleck calling my lawyer but I found that I asked I have smart questions too just like my dad took my family on a road trip my kid goes hey Dad I gotta go to the bathroom oh number one or number two what difference does it make glory doofus my dad just do this hey Dad I got to go the bathroom no you don't like magic I don't know sir Jesse don't you know you don't you remember how bored we used to get we were kids on road trips we'd have a gameboy post thing we had - that was the scratch-and-sniff was a call that's your sketch yeah you're my mom this is great well this game just sketch you remember how board made me I don't know if any you've done this where you roll down the window and put your do the hand in the wind thing that for 300 mile my dad would not stop man he would stop when we were out of gas that's when my dad would stop 350 miles remember you'd lose like the use of your knees when you got out of the car like a pelican terrible my dad would read the road signs out loud I mean why you'd read in my logic please de Prakash in this part of the highway cuz there's many construction workers and we had one rule on our road trips that rule was if dad rolls down the window everyone rolls down the window you drive along here Abbe Scott that would me come on cut it out real funny real funny pick your brother up he fainted come on my dad was all these people he was like he has a master's degree in college but he still has to hang a tennis ball in the garage to help him park the car dude it is late it's not an oil tanker it's a Pinto no no he's gotta be just hit that once you're just Riedel hey almost there Oh let it go Agassi ah see different things I was on a talk show in Jacksonville Florida I was with this guy I was being interviewed the other guy was a baby expert and he had this new video go called teacher baby how to read like dude what good is that really I mean they can't talk I got you like the book I do do some useful teach your baby how to mow we had it tough like I said didn't have Nintendo we had electric football I don't know if you remember that I remember that that metal board plastic man plug in the wall turn on football in an earthquake then they would break and just go ahead playgrounds were dangerous when we were kids they got these safe playground you can't get hurt on a playground today remember the merry-go-round fun much Mary about the merry-go-round and bus there no there was not the terror go round is what it was knew that ride was over when you're flowing into gravel you knew that ride is over nothing left but tough skin genes and blood I think that's him think had those metal slides go a hundred degrees in your sores I'm halfway down I got a skin graft going here man smell some burning oh the teeter-totter that one taught you trust in it easy up top can we get off the worst one were the animals on the coil they look so innocent - don't think throw your head off your neck as well I'm not hungry anymore MA no these parents that are in denial about the kid being a brat the NIC excuses for the kids kid stabbing people with scissors what'd I say oh he's just tired hey just Nathan nappy he needs a slap a denial man the kids run around their underwear in the grocery store huh oh hey oh no no batter he's 22 my mom wouldn't lie she just stupid gym if the bag of rocks that boy he's like is daddy I like the way people name their kids after old games we used to play member we were kids he will name the kids have the tag chase like this is my son kicked the can just capture the flat hey Red Rover get over here good game Red Rover Red Rover Red Rover grip my arm up my shoulder place your burger over arms work dragging the ground hit dumb games and going inside when any better our TV was not very good how many channels we have three if you were rich remember man my TV had had like legs it was on legs get up on Saturday morning about 7:00 give them Lucky Charms you know get my legs running under the TV like that far from the screen you feel a static on the hair in my face I think it's Bugs Bunny turn the channel this was your channel changer right here then that would break off you grab the pliers you're gonna chuck-e-cheese there's always one kid that's just freaked out scared of Chucky you ever notice hey Mike Chuck he's gonna eat me not gonna eat you I can see why Ken would be scared you know Chuck he's big to a kid he's got the big teeth he's a big rat it's a rat with a hat running a crooked casino for children odds favor the house man you can't win their spit 50 bucks and tokens get a plastic spider in come on Chucky's a mafia thug rat let's out of there my friends took me out of their new boat to water-ski I didn't know how to so try to pick to the hips chaos and dragging around my arms are all here Carroll Hey I remember where not long ago my friends took me to ski in the snow I've got all the lair of you and I'll grab bulls loading up to all the barrel next thing I know my legs here I'm on show a careful here that day shelled and took the Bonnie if I had to slaughter wish only a one deer mound is that you'd call the nurse to come change my bed town you it myself remind you he rolls off my arms a little girl oh yeah Nero

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 770,795

Rating: 4.8460011 out of 5

Keywords: Tim, Hawkins, Tim Hawkins, Comedy, Club, Funny, Laugh, Joke, Hiliarious, Humor, Clean, Christian, Fitness, Music, Jokes, Silly, Prank, Laughs, Laughing, Hilarious, Lol, Laughter, Crazy, Entertainment, Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Hysterical, Comic, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes

Id: bwAEJHGaanU

Length: 30min 9sec (1809 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 13 2013