Tim Hawkins - Parenthood - Bethel CT 2012

right now she is the better parent I've been a parent for a long time I ain't getting no better at it I threatened one of my kids with a mission trip the other day any parent have thought of that I will send you to Nigeria of how I promise you never learned some patience one way or another so you have a smart mouth you write a loin cloth during the forest of Anika Ottawa terrible pain I don't have the tools to be a good parent you know I don't have a good whistle my dad used to have a good intimidating whistle he'd call you in six blocks away other people's kids would run around your kids giving her now [Applause] didn't joking right now the kiss will come and have dogs and taxicabs right trying to be cool I'm not a cool that let a cool person well it's hard to be cool in your 40s I used to go to cool places to cool parties meet with cool people all I do is walk around my house and turn off lights black socks and boxers we're in a Snuggie carrying a can of whipped cream with me [Applause] got a little lives here well I was like this [Music] you can't be cool in your forties people your body doesn't let you you ever get up from a nap too quick off the couch couples pass out I need to turn that again genetics when free I do not a shape my grunt for things that didn't used to ground for I don't want to get out of chairs like Daddy would you just clean it up a well I was the baby boy you guys I'm hearing some of this for the first time to this I don't think I've seen Jonas need a whipped-cream camp I am the laziest father ever I said this is one of my kids one time look you come upstairs when i text you you understand I will unfriend you Paul that's how you that's how you threatened my kids you take their technology away think about the parents kids that's how they know is technology they were there raised in it nobody's just crayons anymore so on the computer remember crayons remember first day of school walks up 100 crowns colors you didn't even know existed Buffalo's late morning coffee Goldie that's what was called remember old art supplies used to use they don't usually tone depressors and cotton balls and sugar cubes and paste cracker a second pate for a fight like Paula Deen right here in this bottle oh my gosh you just take away their technology it freaks them out my daughter she's addicted to it daddy I was mad calm when I said I would elect off the size of a fit to home safer route assault from Willy Wonka no that's who I am to you doctor no I'm giving you the gift about this what's that these in your ears under David Copperfield I took my daughter's cellphone away the other day oh my gosh they did the trick I haven't seen her chin in a month me I took her cell phone away that was a trick oh it devastated her pathetic puppies in the Humane Society [Applause] [Music] okay ugly brother not your friend [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] print I will be friendly I'm your father I care gonna press you I got lots of friends that's a thing in your 40s it's beautiful I don't care what people think about me I've used the one part baggies for a while that's great freezing my or pizza something my toenails on airplanes people I read straight from the milk jug when I'm in other people's houses I'd say don't say if you don't mean it make yourself at home oh I will try to rearrange your furniture oh really rear trunk pillow where your yoga pants supreme [Applause] I'm not hearing for us this is the body I got I workout this is as good as I can do you know and I'm the same guy in my 40s that's the thing it's not fair I'm the same guy my 40s as I was in my 20s and 30s there's only a few differences gained a few pounds my hair is a little thinner and my nipples point sideways like a horse's eyes that's the only difference I'm a Christian man with nipples America east to west they talk to each other behind me I mean I am awesome right up to here I'm awesome right up there then it just goes to the top all the way down on your belly and when you're 40s there's no button there anymore call it what it is a couple that's what it is I'm afraid to look in there it's gonna be a Chilean miner 13 seconds away [Applause] kick my poop today's you guys have to fix 40 minutes here yeah pigfoot I like to dig sporting the other day and I bought a bottle of those Under Armour t-shirts sleek workout shirts that shows every contoured your body because I'm an idiot I've even tried on ice but at home I tried on from the mirror like looks like I was smuggling a family of wood johnson i got [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] shut the door [Applause] the gazelle sweetheart woodchuck it's not candy what you want to eat look I am the man of the house okay it's like you get open enough that you can afford food look we're the midnight of the man of a house okay I pay the bills I take care of business I'm the man so why do I have to hide in a corner of my room to eat a stinking bowl of Lucky Charms I hear footsteps [Applause] my white braixen why are you in Boca charms [Applause] [Music] McDonald's is not fair it's just so good makeup kids you think McDonald's is giving it out wait till anyways we feel so good I think they use msg I think there you can crack this is ridiculous it's impossible you can't it's too tempting what are they using that you for cope of the drive-thru and McDonald's you try to psych yourself up and ordered something healthy you can't do it I'm gonna get a grilled chicken salad and a bottle of grilled chicken salad and a bottom line we're gonna help you yeah I give me number one mega size with some gravy on a couple of cinnamon rolls and a defibrillator and the doctor's appointment you could get the fire hose to the shake machine and building my car just fill er up please [Music] [Applause] oh and a diet coke I need that too your salesman the fizzy water is gonna make it authentic it's gonna eat up on the bad fit I'm not here to press anybody anymore I know lady I kept on I know I read your fishin thoughts I know what's going on I can do ladies the Jolly Rancher with legs some people call me the space cowboys and call me the gangster friends like do you need to work on your cage now I think they work for your cold what am I an apple see that's the thing I want to eat more than I want to ABS you know I'll work on my abs and I'm chewing I'll just bear down [Music] I need this this is what I need I'm working I need every bit of this all right I know I got three boys this is not fat and you got three people this is a protective padding cuz they're coming at you in here it's it's MMA everyday in my little girls are awesome my daughter the only thing with girls is you can't keep up with them when they tell a story it's office too fast the guy's a dick but think it's [Applause] gee the box little here nice his little boys with a retool Story toys slow motion like jazz tunes level I need protective padding it's like my three boys it's weird it's a paradox as my as my boys get younger the pain gets worse my oldest boy Milo's was 16 he's lived awaits he's got muscles he's big when we read so I have to try I know I'm not saying good job I'm tapping out [Applause] why didn't you come I whistle for you why didn't you let 16 year-old comes in the kitchen today hey dad let me put you the arm seats you take it [Applause] what dad felt that you a context for well when you did I steal that I can't spill down my leg neroli he comes any other day he's got something his hand so what's up he did it um let me show you airsoft that sounds like a nerf gun then [Applause] it's like going 2,000 feet per second that's pretty impressive was an area soft about that back should we call it the will maker daddy airsoft you name this thing nor the area Swapna stack loudly right up the head and a particular kill shot to the head from over these diamond dots airsoft gun it's a pellet going to speed away idiot airsoft she could boil tea and you're soft the worst forced us to look at no because you know and the reason it hurts so bad is because you don't know it you're just not expecting that chris is just so sweet house give my whole guy kiss the other night let's hug him he just stroked my beard day okay you go beard I do I'd like your beard daddy is that nose here [Music] I just tasted blood those hairs were connected to the brainstem that's we pulled it my foot look like that

Channel: RockermomMSM

Views: 2,190,334

Rating: 4.8697705 out of 5

Keywords: 00008

Id: pXmIWYdMRX0

Length: 17min 8sec (1028 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 09 2012