Ultimate Tim Hawkins Stand Up Part 2

here a lot of dumb things that people say we overused words in this country don't we it's a per load of words we got to stop using so much like that's the best oh that's the best no it's not that's amazing mm-hmm that's unbelievable we use that word unbelievable we don't we I was eating some deer sausage with my buddy he's like man this deer sausage is unbelievable no it's not just say it it's just a good piece of deer sausage man it's not unbelievable now the bald eagle wearing a tuxedo flew down and drop some deer sausage in your mouth yeah that's unbelievable right there I'll give you that that is unbelievable because that's a bald eagle wearing a tux dropping sausage in your mouth you don't see something like that every day unless you're a Catholic they see stuff like that all the time but not a normal person [Applause] that's awesome man that's unbelievable right there we overuse this phrase the most that's the worst you've heard people say that that's the worst that's the worse really that's the worst that is the worst my wife and I dropped our daughter off at the mall not too long ago she was better to meet her friends and her friends weren't there yet my daughter was distraught oh my friend my friend that's not how she talks with it's really funny my friends aren't here my friends aren't here ya know I can't go shopping I have to wait for them until they get here on time I can't go to a shop in my wife it's like I know honey that's the worst really that's the worst being stuck in the mountains are being lost you know out at sea with sharks circling around you if you're not in more of a pickle there that's the worst he imagined like those Chilean miners remember those Chilean miners a few years ago got stuck in that mine for like 30 days you think they're down at mine going this see no good right here man we've been down in his mind for a long time you know we got no food away we got no water to drink [Music] there's not a lot of air left to breathe we may not live to see another day my friend this this is the worst the only thing the only thing that I can tinker right now they yes let me finish please the only thing disavow right now the only thing that I can think of right now that could possibly be worse than this is you know sometime when you're at the mall [Applause] and your friends aren't there to meet you yet and you want to go shopping but your pants so you're gonna wait around on a car for like 10 minutes or so saying I tell you a piece about my friend but that policy words right there that's a policy work look at all these know that the generic stuff they never deign a branch of all generic you know we never got she knows who's always orange funky stick accessories with black sandwich cookies it's just like an Oreo the heads of garlic adventure [Applause] [Music] for instance a comedian sticking [Music] due to the Cheerios we got toads to poles [Music] in order to do this family for seven years [Music] the back although they still make mess Gemini branch symmetric you think that's the weirdest laugh I've heard weirder than that and it was in Texas I was gonna show a while back and this lady was in the front row and she she's lost it she meant way through the show she locked up she's laughing so hard that she started shaking she's laying against her chair like this she's looking up at me and every ten seconds she made this noise and the owner I've never heard it out of a creature of the earth every ten seconds she made this noise the only thing it sounded like that I can think of it sound like a sea lion in need of medical attention that's what it sounded like every ten second sheet [Applause] [ __ ] every ten seconds I get half with you a joke so we threw her a beach ball give her something to do I love him men and women laugh differently I love that men and women laugh different don't we like women I don't know women you just left differently and I've already heard some laughs tonight I'm not gonna point anybody out said it's too stinkin obvious but women do this women always sigh at the end of a laugh men don't do that when a woman's done laughing they sigh I guess to let us know you're done you do it and I've seen you run I know that I see that I believe you'll never hear a man do that hahahahaha [Music] I love you in Texas people in Texas laughs you always will at the other laughs you woo what in the world does that mean you congratulating yourself on a good laugh Bubba what's happening there mom would be proud of me why did a good young women always make the barnyard noises when you laugh you ever notice that it's always a woman cuz you hold in the air too long about time you let it out you have no idea what's gonna come out or go back in we've all heard a woman [Music] let it go let it go can't hold it back anymore let it go let it go you are never gonna hear that song the same way again are you did you guys have Dick's Sporting Goods here look I wouldn't mind exporting goods and I wanted by all those Under Armour t-shirts you know the sleek workout shirts that show every contour of your body mistake I went in there I mean the shirt looks so good on the mannequin I didn't try it on I just bought it and took it home I put it on I'm looking in the mirror looked like I was smuggling a family of wood shot my daughter insane daddy she calls 911 [Applause] [Music] that's my chest tear shut your mouth [Applause] y'all I'm hearing some of this for the first time - that's pretty funny it's just so true some people think that cup holder for water that's for whipped cream oh and that's the problem y'all it's not fair it's a paradox I'm finally old enough to afford food I'm not supposed to eat it look I'm the man of the house okay I take care of business I pay the bills I am the man so why do I have to hide in a corner of my laundry room to eat a stinking bowl of Lucky Charms why do I have to do that it's not fair but no no I hear footsteps hurry up my wife braixen why are you eating Lucky Charms because they're magic don't you read the box I do that was a Christian torque right there a little Christian torque that's not that's not a sin that's not a sin you go out farther than that that's a sin right there in the pocket that's a Christian sanctioned torque right there David Nasser cannot do that right there because he has no but you ever notice they hey everybody fantastic condo [Applause] oh you sweet little fake Iranian man that is awesome you sweet little tropical smoothie right over there that's hilarious tropical smoothie but first off I want to recognize we do have this is simulcast right now there are just thousands of people watching this on the internet right now I just want to say hi to you guys and [Applause] [Applause] and that's how I found Jesus and I just wanted to share that I knew it does a powerful testimony to everyone here it's good to be here what is this place looks like Joel Osteen's bathroom for crying out loud this is nice this is nice it's kind of creepy but it's really nice I don't know man we're all losing our minds that's what comedy is folks you just live your life make notes and tell strangers that's all you do there's nothing special about it I'm serious you could totally do what I do the only difference between me and you is I got a microphone and talent that's the only two things the only two things that separate me and you riff raff that's it so dream big okay I don't know same things make us crazy bumper-sticker people driving around Lynchburg a lot of bumper sticker people we just don't care take them off the car just we don't need to be reading going 75 miles an hour okay we're already texting eating cereal can't be doing three things at one time I just don't care I don't care that you're a tolerant gun-control Wiccan princess who loves her poodle and won't be here when the rapture happens take the bumper stickers off the car unless of course it's a Bernie Sanders sticker leave that on because you get the feeling that it's holding the car together Berni people ain't driving the nice cars that's all I'm saying a lot of Christians had the Jesus fish on the back of the car Jesus there's so car the other day with the Darwin fish on the back I like let's get ready I saw this on the car one time it was a Jesus fish devouring a Darwin fish yeah there's some good solid biblical teaching for you if somebody disagrees with you yeah what would Jesus but if there's one message out there I don't know I think it's for the fathers out there a few guys any of you guys were married though and your wife stays home with the kids all day when you get home from work she needs a break no she just needs to go somewhere yeah pastors yeah that's the truth now I've married 15 years I learned that the hard way came in from a three-day trip I walk in the door my wife's just an hour waiting for me honey I'm home yeah heard you pull it up can I have a hug what's the problem you need to take the kids somewhere and you need to do it now okay where do you want me to take them I don't give a rip where you take them just get out of here okay let's get in the car get the car I'm gonna go we'll be back it June so I get my kids in the car man we're just sitting there I didn't know where to go just okay I took him to Home Depot I didn't know what to do I know that's where guys find peace at the Home Depot just look at hammers for a while you know that was not the right choice that particular day okay you can't let your kids run off at the Home Depot cuz I don't know you have not lived your life till you turn the corner at a home depot and see your youngest son using a display toilet I'm just getting real here there's a Kodak moment for you right there any your parents got an answer for that little quandary hon James Dobson why don't you focus on my family for a while mr. smartypants he's going to town he don't care the manager is looking right at me and like yeah that's my boy should be done in a minute here y'all take Visa okay good that's good just what daddy wanted a turquoise toilet I want you to throw a microwave on top of that bad boy we'll call it even make it a package deal in the barnyard noises women Oh people off okay I've got a bad mic here here [Laughter] [Laughter] and that's why I found Jesus and I got a kidney stone I think it just just shattered right there we got it Rick a check seems a little good we got three 9s we're gonna be fine but no no I'm also um kids I want to be sure John and I talk about stuff [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] guess it didn't matter that I gained so much weight I get another shot we're just gonna throw this all okay [Music] hold it in the middle Enix mm you know how fast you're going hold it in the middle sir thank you okay hold this one in the end okay hold it in the middle I broke my resume anybody wants to hire me I know it's the more of a joke that's guys getting back at me I keep doing it [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] what should see them operate this might be it - one two - just write the jokes let's see the kids all know I can't do anymore I can't do this do it I know all this I want to connect with you people we'll come back and see what happens here's what we'll do we'll do attend an intermission can we do that sick whole thing's gonna do take it drop each other's shoulders and together we'll be right back okay [Applause]

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 168,341

Rating: 4.7761378 out of 5

Keywords: Stand up, comedy, comedian, Tim Hawkins, Tim Hawkins Comedy, Compilation, Comedian Tim Hawkins

Id: 1qp4secINJs

Length: 23min 25sec (1405 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 23 2019