Ultimate Tim Hawkins Compilation! Part 1

we kinda copes colors here tonight any homeschooler hey yeah you can tell the homeschoolers in the audience too the ones looking around there's all these other people mama they all came in holding a rope [Applause] now I got this new family at our church ten kids I'll start with letter J trying to figure that out is John James Jessie Jennifer Julie jiangha she's kind of unstable a Juniper jet fuel jar jar binks and flan yeah I think what goes up must come down spear wheels ducted go I don't know the name of that song I think it's called da yummy yummy yummy I got love in my tummy and I feel like a loving you get away from me you weirdo what do you Hannibal Lecter get away from me I always used to sing the wrong words to songs growing up you guys ever do that you've seen the wrong words to a song but you you don't know the right words but you think it sounds like that so you just go for it but some of the back your mind says mm-hmm it couldn't be that dude what you're confident you do it I memorized to sing that Elton John song Rock Rocket Man wrong rocket man burning down a field with Carol's bones [Laughter] my brother used to sing this one wrong well have been through the desert on a horse with no brains [Music] [Laughter] this horse has no brain what's going on here I sing this one wrong well don't go around and I eat well it's bound to take your life there's a baboon on the ride I took my family to a movie last week I want to stay consistent with my history of making bad financial decisions to come to a movie cost a 60 bucks to get in the door that's before the snack bar and those whopper deals you get there kids like daddy we want some from the snack bar my Agha who gets on I don't care daddy we'll figure something out huh I'll start throwing papers or something folks I bought a box of goobers for four dollars at the movie four bucks for a box of goobers I did the math that's 23 cents of goober yes you are what you eat that's the deal there that one the bad part the bad part was when I got my drink I wanted to get a 44 ounce you know soda yeah that's a large so I said the kid I said give me the 44 ounce soda five bucks no five bucks that's get a deal like that usually got to go to Disney World and I am mr. frugal but I order 44-ounce soda go sir on the kids agree sir um you can get for 25 cents more oh you could get a 64-ounce soda and it's free refills see some of you know where I'm going with it I'm gonna make a cultural statement right now if you're drinking 64 ounces of soda and you need a refill Kling Klang hear ye hear ye you're drinking too much so quit while you still have a pancreas man if you can't poem your drink you need to get a smaller drink [Laughter] bring me a straw [Laughter] [Applause] it's too much I always try to scare you they still trying to scare you with food don't they ever since I was a created person was clueless - I'll stay away from the cholesterol now what is a trans fat chance that's keep the children away there's a trans fat in the building and the thing is we don't even know what's good or bad Poor's do we we don't we're gonna get up to heaven they'll be like dude you should have been eating the trans fats this thinks are awesome they cure everything trans fats and boogers you should have been eating all that stuff seriously trans fats and buggers get a clue they're right up in a nice little holder by your mouth you [ __ ] they say going green that's the green you should have been going you've been flicking away healing for years man that's the thing we just don't know do we and the thing that all the things they tried to scare us with were kids it never know we're here we're fine you know I eat a lot of trans fast I looked into a lot of rock and roll I watched a lot of TV I'm doing just fine I never waited 30 minutes after eating to go swimming I never did I never wore a helmet to go skateboarding I never tripped on a shoelace you know I run with scissors in my hands and suckers in my mouth I have sniffed a lot of magic markers people did you know [Laughter] I've even taken candy from strangers it was delicious delicious except for the brown taffy delicious and I'm still here mm-hmm we are here we made it we survived look I'll give you something a couple examples of how I survived my childhood there's no way I should have but I did we did four years we had this in my neighborhood every once a month this truck would drive up and down our street it was called the bug truck and it would shoot white poisonous fog out of the back of it we used to run through it barefoot y'all [Applause] it's like we're in a to displease concert yeah and you think my mom would warn us no she told us getting kind of groggy mommy if you're lightheaded go on that fine we survived the book truck here's another example when I was a kid at our public pool we had a Coke machine there for years a Coke machine plug into the wall standing in three inches of water no one got uptight about it nobody got sued you're just real careful when you got a coke you touched that quarter to medal and I was tan I felt his fun dude get a coke it's awesome I can't feel a thing in my right side it was like a game the total game Oh people drive crazy in Texas man I don't know if they drive crazy here people just don't know how to use their cell phones they don't I'm sure none of you have that I was driving the day this lady was swerving in and out of traffic talking on her cell phone and doing her makeup at the same time driving with her knees Hey huh so upset man I almost spilled my bowl of cereal I mean that is that's Road right there and drink milk anymore mr. Hutz well what am I gonna drink well you can try rice milk yeah thanks doc where do I pay them in rice milk is like drinking baby spit-up it's just awful you know what I'm talking about and then means I got to go to the health food store you ever go to the health food store why do people that work at the health food store looks so unhealthy right this way to the precious [Applause] [Music] y'all ever seen these commercials for these pills this medication you take it's like one pill for one thing but they list like a hundred side-effects just like they're just scrolling for a minute and you're thinking is that really a good trade it can't be a good trade people go well I can take the headaches nausea and vomiting will make my elbow feel better it's really worth it it is I mean I've been taking it oh I can move it around play with the kids I got full range of motion here [Applause] crazy I was watching when I was watching the Cartoon Network with my kids recently I saw a commercial like that it was a pill for bladder control issues on the Cartoon Network bladder control pill you know what the first side-effect was diarrhea [Applause] Dyess Stevens Bria like no thanks I'll take the list or two evils just now damn on that one over huh now I'll play the hand that fate has dealt me yeah you go yeah I don't want to trade the drips for the squirts just yet I'm gonna Mull it over I'm gonna Mull it over mulling I'm gonna Mull it over I'm gonna think about that one then it works it no it doesn't you don't you remember how bored we used to get we're kids on road trips we'd have a gameboy first thing we had of that was the scratch and sniff or the car that's your sketch yeah [Applause] [Music] you're my mama's great well this game just sketch you remember how board made me I don't know if any of you've done this where you roll down the window and put your do the hand in the wind thing for 300 mile [Applause] my dad would not stop man he would stop when we were out of gas that's when my dad would stop 350 miles remember you'd lose like the use of your knees when you got out of the car like a pelican terrible my dad would read the road signs out loud you'd read of my logic pleased apricots in this part of the eye because there's many construction workers and we had one rule on our road trips that rule was if dad rolls down the window everyone rolls down the window you drive along here [Applause] ABB's Scott that with me come on cut it out real funny real funny pick your brother up you fainted come on phrases my mommy snooze phrases I don't know what she was talking about half the time I want you to clean up this room every nook and cranny every nut what is the cranny give me some more what's it what's a milk I don't know what that is either you crazy lady it's mine up dirtier than my cranny well your nook is fine but your crannies filthy clean it up now plate it up pronto pronto my mama's awesome though she all she cared about its till this day all she cares about if I have eaten that's all she cares about how do you eatin have you eaten fine you look terrible you look like a freak you look terrible do you think that something like mom I weigh 210 no you look like a little little freak circus boys what you look like have you eaten I remember one night it was like 3 o'clock in the morning I was in high school I came home too late you know it's dark you ever do that you're sneaking in the house it's just pitch black so I go in the kitchen you know and I turn on them oh no garbage disposal why did they put that stupid garbage disposal thing right by the light I was expecting a nice warm lie to get oh she was on me like a panther where were you I was worried sick you could have gotten hurt [Applause] have you eaten have you eaten how about no no I just can't help myself I just love to eat love it I come up here and you have these white castle's Oh talk about a house of worship that is a wonderful place I know it says wise going into White Castle always a good idea coming out of White Castle such a bad idea why is that if I walk out of there what we do that for is there a live animal in my stomach what's in there you drive dude I can't make a fist what am i chewing on it is that an onion group it's a gummy bear how'd that get in there you do some tada but it's great when you go to White Castle I'm singing songs to that place like I'm dreaming of them why Gotham just like the ones I used to know where the beef is demon it gets me dreaming hmm my indigestion starts to grow I really dig those gut bombers they're not little fat but I don't care I'll be blowing onions in the and blowing out my brand-new underwear you you

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 231,411

Keywords: Tim Hawkins, Christian Comedy, Clean Comedy, Jokes, Funny, Hilarious, Comedian, Christian Comedian Tim Hawkins, Clean Jokes, Clean Funny Comedy, Stand Up, comedian tim hawkins, tim hawkins christian, christian comedian, clean comedian, stand up comedy, tim hawkins comedy, stand-up comedy, standup comedy, best jokes, tim hawkins stand up, christian standup, tim hawkins songs, tim hawkins chick fil a, tim hawkins christian curse words

Id: x11hsDoG-gg

Length: 18min 38sec (1118 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 29 2019