The Worst Dating Show Contestant On TV (The Bachelorette)

hi I'm Jarvis J. a youtuber from San Francisco California and honestly I'm just hoping to find love oh man this is YouTube video yes I should take off this accent much better is it much better I look like somebody was trying to buy dwayne johnson on wish today we'll be talking about the Bachelorette which is a marriage game show where you when true love that can't be right now I talked about The Bachelor before which is exactly the same show with the gender swapped but in case you missed that all you really need to know is that thirty carefully selected copies of exactly the same person compete for the love of someone they've known for nine weeks last time our star was Colton a 26 year old unemployed virgin and it ended with him being rejected by his final pick and running away yeah that's really what happened he just jumped the fence anyway the bachelor and the Bachelorette have this symbiotic relationship where somebody who doesn't win the bachelor goes on to become the Bachelorette and vice versa and as such this season our star is one of the two girls from Alabama named Hannah for blasts season specifically Hannah beat but because the other hand still exists in the bachelor Cinematic Universe we're just expected to call this Hannah Hannah B the entire time the bachelor I just finished up last week and it was dumb I thought last season was dumb but this season was dumb dumb this is the definition of a psychopath that's the complete opposite of me so that's what we'll be talking about today because it's all I can think about you would think that a show about marriage would have marriage worthy contestants right that's like reasonable to think no with very few exceptions the guys on the show are so bad and also very dumb like you have Hannah who is this very genuine and cheerful person she just had her heart broken last season by Colton who just randomly introduced her to his family super early in the show and then eliminated her and I don't know I'm there so now it's Hannah shot at love and they surround her with the worst guys in the world Hannah this package is a complete without you The Bachelor is apparently known for its cringy introduction some may recall last season where a girl showed up in a sloth costume and didn't break character for way longer than was necessary and it's a sloth and this season is no exception because the cringe started before the show even did at the end of last season of The Bachelor they announced Hannah as the Bachelorette and then introduced her to her first few guys like tease the new season the first of which introduced himself by rapping I just wanted to say when they said it was you it was a pleasant surprise now stand here look you straight in the eyes all the other dudes got me feeling so stressed so I say all aboard hot mess Express this is cam and he's the first sex guide heartthrob that I want to talk about today in Kim's official bio for the show they identify him as the life of the party what parties is this guy the life of because I would like to avoid those parties it it also says he can freestyle rap about anything I mean maybe he can freestyle rap but should he so take my hand and let's go for a ride this is the only time and Aggies gonna say roll time and for some strange reason Hannah is really into it so when it comes time to formally introduce him in the show he raps again I got to keep the fresh lock and coming out the limo what you know about me this the rap demo it's a boy cam and I'm back in the mic I'm trying to live it up like I'm living the hype or compressively Kim's wordplay is enough to propel him into the finals of the show just kidding he's promptly eliminated but hey not all the guys are bad there's Mike Navy vet who's hilarious and good and far and away the best person on the show don't he's also the most obvious pick to become the next Bachelor because of course he does not win the show as he is a nice person then you have Tyler see a 26 year old contractor from Jupiter Florida who takes care of his sick father and is also chiseled out of stone I'm pretty sure Tyler came out of the season more popular than the Bachelorette herself to throw in another goofy there's John Paul Jones a human Pokemon who is only capable of saying his own name my name is John Paul Jones my friends call me John Paul Jones so you can call me John Paul Jones what a lovable mean person going back to the serious candidates we have Peter a sentimental pilot who also fucks ok but we'll get to him later unfortunately I don't have time to introduce you to all the candidates because there's 30 of them but fortunately for me neither did the Bachelorette because most of these guys never get any screen time they will regularly cut to a guy but you've never seen before in your life only to find out that he's getting eliminated this week Hannah gentlemen it's the final rose tonight when you're ready John Paul James like who is this guy has he been there the whole time just kidding that's not a contestant at all that's youtuber Danny Gonzalez he's not a bachelor he's married but you see what I mean though he just blends right in okay you can go now thanks Danny even the front-runner and eventual winner of the show who we haven't talked about yet barely gets any screen time because this one random dude oh I'm sorry villain dominates the entire season have I said spoiler alert yet spoiler alert these episodes are like two hours long I hope nobody is binging The Bachelorette anyway who is this guy taking up all the airtime you asked is he a seven-foot hero Adonis whose good looks and wit place him so far ahead of the competition that you wonder why they didn't just end the show after episode 1 or is he a mastermind villain that uses the superior intellect and cunning to maneuver his way into Hannah's heart and a heart well neither he's a five nine Bible study leader with an anger management problem in big Napoleon energy also he looks like a bitmoji he looks like a bitmoji I don't know who said this at first but I think I read it on Twitter but it's true oh and his name is Luke P because of course it is Luke P as far as I can tell has no redeeming qualities other than the fact that he's religious and I guess Hanna's into that because he manages to make it to the final fuller although being super manipulative and awful told you nothing with his first yeah yes I would never lie to you I bold-faced lied he's not even like a good villain that everyone loves to hate like plankton or Squidward look I don't know a lot of villains but this guy is just a manipulative and aggressive manchild but uses the fact that he and Hannah are both religious to shield him from any criticism shall I give some examples of why Luke P is dumb and bad I hope so because that's what I'm about to do stick around for that happening right now number one he looks like a bitmoji I already said that number two they go to Rhode Island for some reason to play rugby obviously forgotten a lot of the details but Luke Peters randomly bodyslams this cute little golden doodle of a person it's just the kind of guy you might like god forbid my like you know hurt someone today they die he doesn't have the ball we can see it right here in the background also they definitely added in like a punch sound effect from an action movie and then Luke P tries to make it seem like he was defending himself against Luke s oh by the way they're both named Lucas by how you think that you feel you're the cause we're not being our happiest right now actually I'm not the cause or obviously his defense doesn't work with any of the guys because this Widow guy means no harm and to me I genuinely would thought I was defending myself because he pulls on you defending yourself against Lopez except it does work on Hannah somehow and she takes his side and eliminates the other guy number three when Hannah finally does eliminate the bitmoji man he decides to not respect her wishes when she says no and just walks right back on to set I didn't get a rose but Hannah says she still wants me to be here like how is that allowed the producers wanted some drama is how number four there's this part where he puts like baloney in somebody's lap it's very weird what this is right here this is a pile of baloney look at that yeah I don't know what the hell this is he's just so easily aggravated that everybody starts trolling him it's kind of great she asked me what's been going on lately you are a bezel I'm a weasel weasel or a snake is the best way to go snake yeah yeah really Luke psychopaths the snake man I think I've been nothing but truthful with Hanna and you are not gonna mess it up okay number five Luke finally gets eliminated during the fantasy suites which is supposed to be when all the couples how should I say bow-chicka-wow-wow and Luke in His infinite wisdom tells Hanna that she shouldn't sleep with any of the other guys I just want to make sure you're not going to be you know sexually intimate with you know the other relationships here because it's not what a good Christian girl would do if I if you told me you're having sex or you had sex with one or multiple of these guys I'd be wanting to go home and then Hanna's like wait what and Lucas like yeah remember how I'm super controlling and use my religion as a weapon I'm doing that right now that's what I'm doing and then Hanna's like oh wait no I'm realizing just now that I don't like that actually and she tries to eliminate him I do not want you to be my husband wait please and then Luke B is like remember how the thing with me is that I don't leave when you tell me - because I don't respect you or your boundaries also I'm five nine and every time I instigate something with one of the other guys they stand up to reveal how outclassed I am physically I'm also a bad representative of Short Kings everywhere yep that's me and then Hanna is like well me and Peter gonna windmill so twice and then and I'm not joking the bar that I was in erupted into applause and by the way after this happened if they had a live show where people were wearing windmill merch so that's odd but hey Luke P was finally defeated just kidding he came back again and I thought after sending me in the van that there's no way I want to be with her anymore uh yeah what a weird thought to have after the last thing she told me and she's sadly mistaken is anyone else getting serial killer vibes like he's not this isn't like a movie villain y'all sadly mistaken she doesn't realize that I still love her no she knows she doesn't she doesn't know it yet but I'm on my way and I'm coming someone call the cops if you imagine you like open up you pull up your phone you've got a message from this guy that's like you weren't expecting it but I'm coming that is like that's a threat that's harassment this should not be like played up for drama I want to prove to her how serious I am about this and then just casually has an engagement ring as if the producers didn't just hand that to him for the shot I'm gonna need you to look directly into the camera like you're filming this yourself despite the fact that we do have a camera crew here and why don't you just give us your your dentist craziest eyes yeah that's perfect oh and take this ring imagine Hana chooses the sky and then breaks up with him and he's just like standing outside her door cuz he needs to get a few things off his chest but the show keeps playing with it like it's not as serious as it is like they got him a van that gave him a ring they took him here they told him when filming was he didn't just like he didn't just break in no I'm just gonna do a little supercut of him standing his ground because it's it's I don't even want to make fun of it cuz it's like so upsetting go Hannah I'm gonna stand here all day until you know you're not I need clarity right now I'm not leaving until I at least have closure you will leave because I've already sent you home our relationships work is through communication well you and listen I'm on the bright side I guess Hannah gets to have another moment of like completely shutting him down alright then the guys who are all you know bigger taller stronger than him finally step in and he looks so confused as to what like the problem is lay your hands yeah what are you gonna do so Hanna yeah what do you want what do you mean what do you want she's eliminated twice this is so stupid this is all up to you no it's not honestly cuz she stepped out like a million times and I was clear the other night there's something unsettling to me about the fact of it like we just keep subjecting Hanna to all these dudes who were just like putting her in these ridiculous and like emotionally manipulative situations for so that it could be the most dramatic season yet or whatever like Hanna posted on her Instagram of stories that when she got overwhelmed she would just stare at a wall and like the visual is pretty funny and I'm glad that she's she's able to make light of it but like this is truly dark and then the show finally realizing that everyone hated that guy also they're complicit for condoning his toxic behavior for her whole season subjected to a very awkward Q&A with Chris Harrison the nine thousand year old Time Lord that hosts the show if I could go back I wouldn't change a thing nothing where the guy can't even answer simple yes-or-no questions is that the type of woman you want is someone you can kind of put on the Shelf in a glass case and hold down when you need this the last thing that I want and the last thing I'll ever do is control a woman although a man is supposed to lead and guy the woman in the relationship ah there it is and then they bring out the rest of the guys to just destroy Luke one by one Luke we didn't have any immediate drama you and I but I for one am thankful for you because you're making me look like a frickin saint and it's very cathartic but we should not have gotten to this place like Luke s asks him hey um why did you lie to Hanna about about me and effectively end my time on the show well why did you do that I it he just completely shuts down cuz he the answer is that he's a horrible person I feel that Luke hasn't learned a thing whatsoever I think that you are a narcissistic cantankerous misogynist Mike dusted office thesaurus before he came out the worst part of this is that Hannah comes out and feels like she has to apologize for Luke P as if it's her fault I just want to say bachelor nation I'm sorry you hate to see it so with Luke vanquished we're down to our final three Peter the pilot Tyler see the perfect in Jed the quote-unquote musician slash Megamind is that is that body shaming I feel like I feel like I can say it because I too have a five head so Before we jump into the jed saga peter gets eliminated it's really sad he took Hanna up in a plane took her to his hometown and introduced her to his family each member of which independently cried which is adorable they share a meal which starts of course by screaming in German in the end Peter was just too good at sex so he gets eliminated and then he's forced to do an interview with Android 16 who was trying very hard to convince us that he understands human emotion I see the tears in your eyes I see I look around this studio audience tears and tears and your mom and dad your brother tears and I can see the emotion in your face and then they also brought his family presumably to see if they could get them to cry they can and Chris Harrison who is slowly but surely developing self-awareness it is dare I say the most dramatic season of paradise yet that's right I said it you're welcome goes from implying that they shouldn't talk about sex in front of Peter's mom Peter's mom is right there to saying that his dad should be proud of how good a son is at sex in like five seconds Peter's dad his chest is puffed up is that's just the kind of old-fashioned show this is anyway it's now down to Tyler see who need I remind you is literally perfect and in jet so let's get into jet we're meant to believe that jet is a musician because it's literally all he talks about for the whole season I'm a musician and a songwriter he's singing songs at every opportunity and then and they're also bad I wanna come inside why did they subject us to this there's definitely a double standard for how much this dude is promoting himself because very early of the show right after Luke Peabody slammed man's best friend bless his little heart Luke Pete told Hannah that Luke s was only on the show for his tequila business like he's always talking about his brand and his liquor company and I've never heard him talk about you which is it true because he never talked about it and also it doesn't exist which isn't even a business yet but he got eliminated because that's unacceptable meanwhile Jed who is literally singing and playing guitar at every waking moment has a sit-down with Hannah where you're usually supposed to share like something very personal like open up or whatever about some hardship The Bachelor is very formulaic this is hard talk I'm sorry in the troubling story that Jed chooses to tell is how he initially got on the show wait for it for his music career this is like a huge platform but then whoopsy doopsy he fell in love I was open to the idea because I love love I do I love that yeah and now he's just here for love he's not here for his music career anymore at all nope no way just love and Hannah's just like cool thanks for being honest over the entire season everyone every corner is telling Hannah that Jed is only here for his music career including his family I mean it is kind of a dreamy way to get to date someone yeah and I know Jed's just another guy but he's not oh yeah can ask Jed's mom and sister if he would be ready for marriage and they both say no do you feel like Jed would be at a point in his life where he would be ready for that I wouldn't know about what way before just because he's and musicians yeah you don't care a diploma mmm-hmm to be a musician well that's not true does that worry you at all like he couldn't completely focus on his music making music makes him so happy and honestly like him potentially falling in love with you I'm like and not sure that it's a good thing this doesn't give a shit and then Hanna's family meets Jen and also hate him oh how do you feel about Jen and I together um he has qualities and for some reason the only thing Hanna wants to talk about is how they're gonna make money as if they're not gonna use their millions of Instagram followers to sell subscription vitamins but still the man of the house still has his obligations to somebody should really tell these people about influencer marketing through these conversations with Hanna's family we find out that Jed's claim to fame is wait for it a dog food jingle you know at this point my most major accomplishment is that I signed a deal with a dog food company don't worry about my ability to take care of your daughter good Sara for I have written a jingle dog really does deserve the best go pick up some edible neat I mentioned his Spotify which has a whopping 30,000 subscribers which was brought to my attention when Danny Gonzales who was a contestant on The Bachelorette tweeted about this he only has three songs and he hasn't released anything since The Bachelor came out shouldn't he be trying to capitalize on this not like I'm his manager or anything but it seems like a missed opportunity somehow none of this deters Hannah and he makes it to the final two where Hannah turns down Tyler who is perfect in Jed who enters the scene with guitar in hand proposes with a song and it's the cringe iasts thing in the world after all that you've been through and he still wins I'm engaged you're engaged ring we're engaged together Wow we're getting married Alexa what do you think of this can only be described as cringe-worthy huh what's that it's an ending that no one expected least of all Hannah plot twist alert conveniently and with just enough time before the end of the season a People magazine article comes out from someone claiming to be Jed's girlfriend where she details how he got on the show for his music career shocker despite their very serious relationship he ghosted her to be on the show and in the show like suddenly shifts into a Shane Dawson documentary where we're now like airing out this couple's dirty laundry in public and now is where it's suddenly clear that this guy only cares about himself I didn't have a girlfriend though like so to me that didn't feel like it was a relationship he claims that they weren't boyfriend-girlfriend but then goes on to say that they went on multiple trips together he had met her family her parents had gotten him a trip to the Bahamas for his birthday and I told her that I loved her we only hung out a couple of times but she threw me a surprise birthday party we her parents bought us a trip to the Bahamas together it's perfectly normal stuff what else Oh also I told her that I loved her but I'm so not proud of it he's just so bad at acting one you're not about the crown camera let's be real too so what what do you mean this entire show is about crying on camera do you think crying on camera is gonna make you look worse so we find out all these ridiculous things that have happened since the show ended like Jed had been bragging to his friends that he won the show rather than like I don't know saying that you're engaged for the love of your life I got engaged to someone I love which is a better way of saying it also some like random models showed up at his hotel room and he part with him yeah we didn't even know who they were well Uther man pool did so how to be in things when he went on the show easy he didn't he broke up with her it is hard to me I ended in my heart not terribly I know so they broke up and then they they have to do what The Bachelor does and have a live show where they bring out Jed and the best part is just how awkward the lack of applause is when he when he walks out ladies and gentlemen Jed so he sucks but then they bring out Tyler and they allude to a potential rekindling of their romance did you just ask Tyler out on a day and I think that nobody told Chris Harrison that the show is over because he keeps trying to embed himself in their personal lives so just so we're clear we're gonna have a go at this no Chris Harrison they're going to have a go at piss I think I speak for everybody when we can ship this you so the show is over to Tyler and Hannah finally get together um probably not because Tyler's like dating Gigi Hadid now or something the reason I wanted to talk about this show is that it likes to pretend that it's like helping these good old-fashioned people find love but in practice it's just another reality show in fact it's probably more dishonest because at least like Real Housewives knows what it is and isn't trying to present it as this more like polished thing also it's funny to me that between this season and last season they're getting more and more ridiculous in the ways that people don't get married on the marriage game show I think the show is fun to watch mostly because of the community around the show and the content around the show rather than like the show itself by I also think that like they need to get better because they like to act like they're in on the joke but if you're fixating on Luke peace toxic behavior for an entire season I find that pretty like I find that pretty lacking in self-awareness like they definitely spent a lot of time towards the end backtracking the initial decisions they made and trying to like lay into Luke pee and like lay into Jed for for being like awful people but maybe just don't have them in the first place next time that's an idea so where do we go from here I for one will be catching up on bachelor in paradise now that I've done with this video and patiently awaiting them to announce Mike as the next Bachelor also his last name is Johnson but no relation I thank you Thanks to everyone who did the survey that I posted about a while back but specifically thanks to Leilani V given the MT song whoo I have no idea if I'm saying that right if you want me to butcher your name you can if you want me to put you in your name follow me on Instagram and send me a message about it and tell me what to butcher and follow me because if you're not following me I just want thank you oh and one other update is I've been traveling a lot and kind of stressed out about stuff I'm moving pretty soon so I'm gonna take a few weeks break after this video and then I'll be back of equal or lesser quality than before see you

Channel: Jarvis Johnson

Views: 2,860,377

Rating: 4.9592471 out of 5

Keywords: jarvis, jarvis johnson, comedy, the bachelor, bachelorette, hannah b, tyler c, tyler c gigi hadid, jed, jed wyatt, luke p, luke parker, danny gonzalez

Id: iaWjKaAHmFI

Length: 27min 24sec (1644 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 17 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/heresafuckinginsult]

Dang did y’all post this right after he posted it

[u/KLOJA]

Love that Danny came out to give Jarvis a hand on this was hilarious

[u/KLOJA]

I'm pretty sure they are the same person sooooo I was still right