The Bachelorette Speedrun

hello and welcome back to dating 30 people at once dating 30 people at once is a marriage game show where you win someone's hand in marriage but by dating 30 people at once given that there's 24 hours in a day that comes out to exactly 48 minutes per person per day which scientists say is enough to fall in love with someone i think maybe yes i am talking about the bachelorette this week after talking about pokemon cards last week what of it you want to fight a few months back claire crowley made headlines by becoming the world's oldest bachelorette now claire is only 39 years old but they make it seem like she's 106. i expected way more from the oldest bachelorette after they announced claire as the bachelorette which as a reminder is a television show where you win marriage by dating 30 people at once it came out the cast the guys the 30 people that clara would be dating at once came out like their cast photos and stuff and everybody noticed that they were all young as [ __ ] and they were like wait a second we just patted you on the back abc for for being progressive and casting the world's oldest old lady as the bachelorette and now she's dating a bunch of 25 year old stud muffins and so abc was like okay fine we will fire a couple of those stud muffins and hire a few slightly older ones and then everybody was like okay claire made history as the oldest bachelorette and she's now making history again with the shortest season of the bachelorette and then these rumors start coming out that claire's you know running away with one of the cast members and like leaving the show early and then that bubbled to a head by us finding out that they were gonna cast a second bachelorette tasha adams from colton season of the bachelor which by the way that guy turned out to be a horrible person check out my old video on that and watch it knowing that uh he's actually a really bad guy and he stopped his ex um and she got a restraining order against him so maybe that whole that whole fence jumping drama maybe we shouldn't have gotten so excited about that [Music] he just jumped the fence so claire is a bachelorette was almost immediately overshadowed by this news and on top of that kovid became a worldwide sensation and they moved the entire production to laquinta resort so instead of traveling all around the world to various locations that will give the bachelor production team tax breaks they have to just stay in in one place um to receive their tax breaks so the show is delayed and when it was finally time for the show to return no one was invested in claire the world's oldest senior citizen bachelorette i also want to point out that claire is like 39 years old she's a beautiful talented like smart woman uh all of the previous painted like this lady is on death's door i'm 39. this might just be my last chance when in reality she's on a reality show that will end in three months or a few weeks and go on with her long life because the bachelorette knows that we know what happens uh it seems like they're editing it in a like just to get claire out of there and get tasia in i don't know what that means like okay do we get a new bachelorette in here speaking about with the old and end with the new i'd like to talk about today's sponsor ridge my old wallet is big bulky and it hurts my butt my new wallet is small sleek futuristic and my butt loves it the ridge wallet has all the room you'll need for cards and cash and i need a lot of room for cash what you don't believe my wild and outlandish claims you don't have to you can also check out the over thirty thousand five star reviews and if that's not good enough for you there's also a lifetime warranty and you can test drive it for 45 days get 10 off your order with free worldwide shipping and returns by heading over to ridge.com jarvis that's my name and using promo code jarvis also my name at checkout link in the doobly-doo thanks again to ridge for sponsoring this video uh now back to the bachelorette so who is claire who is who is this oldest bachelorette is it just some lady that they plucked out of the local nursing home no silly she's a longtime veteran of the bachelor franchise she was on the bachelor i would never want my children having a father like you she got engaged on bachelor winter games which is apparently a show she's been on bachelor of paradise it hasn't it hasn't worked and this is claire's last chance it's your last chance at love so what is claire looking for in a partner she wants them to show up that's it proud of you for just showing up show up showing up for me that's all she needs all in all claire seems like a perfectly nice person but what happens when you're in this like machine of the bachelor is that they kind of dramatize every element of everything to be honest for starters uh coronavirus ever heard of it the contestants on the show had to quarantine before before filming started and they even turned that into like an over dramatized plot point we were gonna start filming in just a couple days but then because of the pandemic we'd shut down i hear you but i don't think anyone in america is relating to this because you're on television right now you're you're getting like fame and stuff out of this so it's like i'm sorry um people are dying is all i'm trying to say hey everybody it's editing jarvis something i noticed just while watching back some of these clips is how obviously edited the dialogue is like listen to this we were gonna start filming in just a couple days but then because of the pandemic we shut down i feel like every single word of that sentence was taken from a different place it really just goes to show that they can make you say anything on this show i originally thought she was being really dramatic but it was actually the show that was being really dramatic so uh you're off the hook this time claire the first episode starts with showing us like the experience that all the contestants had to go through through like getting tested and quarantining and stuff they really treat covid like it's not something we're all experiencing right now at any point i could have caught this disease and this could be over and this could be over at any point this could all be over also it's just like they dramatize her thinking about potentially getting coveted that's on everyone's mind uh also you're allowed to go outside i don't know why they have her on the couch on a time lapse like she's just been sitting in a single room for the past two weeks she's looking out the windows like they won't let her out it was so hard being on this couch waiting to be the star of a television program and also this is a position that most of us do not get to be in because we don't get to rent out an entire resort and hang out with a bunch of people in a bubble this is like uh this is this is this is kardashian's right here claire i got your final test results is chris harrison a doctor you are 100 clear to go free and clear ready to be the bachelorette that's what the doctor said when she finished your test you're free and clear ready to be the bachelorette to be officially cleared all the animals and nature are like you're the bachelorette thank god the squirrels the birds were singing flowers blooming all because claire is the bachelorette to be officially cleared it feels so good this feels like a drug commercial like they talk about being clear so much i feel like they're about to advertise claritin oh my god the birds are singing where else on this planet would i get a chance to date 30 amazing men anywhere else on this planet do you mean at the same time there are 30 men in other places on the planet claire so not only do we have a time lapse of claire sitting on a couch for i don't know probably 25 minutes it didn't sound like she she did very much they also made all the dudes vlog their their travel and how excited they are to go meet claire and then we meet the guys but here's the thing you need to know about the guys you don't need to know anything about the guys you only need to know about one guy um because that's all anyone is ever talking about throughout the entire the entirety of claire's season and it's dale dale dale dale dale dale dale nail player my name is dale nice claire i'm doing this for you you're getting tested for coronavirus for claire if it weren't for the the television show the bachelorette you wouldn't get tested i don't believe that you're better than that dale hey ladies i get tested for a deadly disease for you marry me i hate this guy i hate most of the guys um especially clark kent here i went to harvard of course i'm a very you know proud alum he went to harvard and that's really the only character trait he has they call it the h-bomb when you drop that people's like oh all right okay guy okay guy okay guy so anyway the guys arrive and by arrive i mean uh they were all at the resort quarantining for two weeks but then they get to finally meet claire once everyone's cleared of course be officially cleared so by the time the show starts we all know that claire is going to leave the show with dale we don't know how it's going to go down but but we know in the first few minutes of the first episode they already show you in like a hundred different ways that she's leaving with dale i just don't know how you can be so sure so quick you're not watching to see what happens because they they tell you that at every turn i feel like i just met my husband you're watching to see how it happens how it unfolds and usually it's a disappointment congratulations you've just blown up the bachelorette i'm pretty sure they give the host chris harrison a script with like lines he has to hit so they can put things into the previews because when he fight they they play this line in like every preview for the season and when he finally says it it doesn't make any [ __ ] sense the context is so it's so out of place so in your mind right now is this over yeah okay congratulations you've just blown up the bachelorette editing jarvis again to me this clip is clearly something that clearly something that they had decided upon because there's contracts involved it just feels like they staged it so they got coverage for the storyline of the show because otherwise yeah i feel like there would have to be more of a conversation other than like okay yeah all right you've blown up the bachelorette that's that's all you had to do you said those magic words and the bachelorette's been blown they also make it seem like the men in protest of dale getting all of claire's time uh unionize and stage a walkout how about the rest of us walk out in reality we never see this clip and also dale is in the clip so i'm pretty sure they were just going to lunch how about the rest of us walk out look dale is right there he's like yeah [ __ ] this dale guy i'm leaving too but who is dale why is dale what's dale's deal i have watched all of this footage more than once and i can't really tell you much about dale uh he's just hot i just he doesn't ever say anything that interesting i i really do feel this is going to be special he feels kind of like an npc in like a role-playing game that just like speaks in canned phrases or like a hallmark card or something i can't explain sometimes through words but you just have a feel for example during a group date that was about love languages which by the way a group date is the only way to successfully date 30 people at once during the words of affirmation section all the dudes are like reading poetry and putting a lot of thought into their words all but one will leave in despair but it's all for one and one for claire and dale just says i'm here and i'm here it's a little worrying that these guys look so concerned about a communication exercise that can't be a good sign i have a lot of layers to me and i just can't wait to peel back those layers with you and show you who i really am i mean i get what he's saying but it's weird that he's like i'm excited to pull back my layers i'm like ew it's like he's coming out of a cocoon be that onion i love it or an onion sure i'm committed to giving you everything i have like physically emotionally i trust you and i'm here for every bit of it i'm pretty sure they just met like it's kind of weird it's kind of if someone said this to me on a first date i would like run the other way hey nice to meet you thanks for coming out i'm ready to give myself to you emotionally physically it's like whoa whoa man i think it goes without saying that i couldn't be more excited to be here for each and every moment of this why did it sound like he was a beat poet i think it goes without saying that i didn't think ahead about this but i'm excited to be here and i'm hot would you like to marry me i don't know how he can say this without knowing anything about claire uh but what's funny to me is she chews out a completely different guy in like this one-on-one conversation because he can't say what he likes about her because he doesn't know her that well you knew that i was a bachelorette and you wanted to sign up but you don't know anything about me i don't i don't know you obviously don't know you on a personal level and don't know your history so i guess he should have just said a bunch of nothing like dale just did i think it goes without saying that i couldn't be more excited to be here the show spent so much time talking about how great dale is without ever showing us any of his greatness i'm sure he's a great guy but show don't tell bachelor nation and it kind of doesn't matter because claire has made her mind up she doesn't give any other guy the time of day i like dale that's not a surprise nor is this more apparent than the physical touch portion of this date claire and every other guy before this it was like very light touching and as soon as claire was like i know who this is it was like oh i know this smell these poor guys are on the sideline like i didn't come on this show to be a cook i was excited for this like to be able to obviously touch claire my number one thing was just to make sure that she felt my strong presence i think it just means his muscles my main thing was like to show claire my muscles so that she knew i was me and then we could just make out in front of the other guys before we dive too deep on dale let's delve into some of the other dudes like there's ivan uh who likes chess and that's the only thing we ever learned about him the game of chess means a lot to me it's something i've played with my younger brother and my dad my entire life and it's especially important to me because the game of chess really got my younger brother through some really dark times in his life and i gave you the queen i'm gonna hold on and be your king hopefully one day there's blake who broke a rule by contacting claire before the show started you're the only guy that reached out to me the entire time i didn't want to bring this up but there are these weird rules that we have to follow for the show so you broke the rule yeah but claire lets him off the hook and he takes that as a cue to just interrupt claire whenever the [ __ ] he wants it just to show how committed he is the right direction for me oh hi oh my god hi hi hi you're a little surprised to see me yeah jay do you mind if i sit here for just five minutes i mean were you didn't you lose and then there's jason he was like bottled up his emotions really deep and whenever he talks about his past it sounds like he's killed someone we've seen some things that are dangerous damaging and hurtful there's a reason we are closed off jason what have you done and last and definitely least is yosef who sucks ass so before i talk about yosef who i hate i should probably explain who he is because as i'm watching back the footage now i just get immediately upset with him and start ranting he's a medical device salesman i don't know what to do with that information according to his official bachelorette bio he doesn't shy away from controversy and i think that just means that he gives his opinion where it wasn't asked for example there's this moment where nobody immediately steps up to have one-on-one time with claire no one shows up and claire gets upset and when she chews the guys out about this uh yosef asked to speak for the group and claire shuts him down which is really funny i'll take a moment to speak for the group i don't think i don't think that was you don't need to speak for the group it's also his villain origin story because he sucks even worse from then on i was absolutely appalled at the group date that occurred yesterday there's naked guys you know doing airplane dodge ball together i think she had the guys played dodgeball and joseph is like this does not fit with my morals you're an embarrassment to my daughter my daughter saw me doing that my family saw me doing that like think of the thoughts they would have they might think hey uh dad doesn't have a stick up his ass think of the example that would be setting that's why you were not on that date well i'm glad i wasn't he wasn't even on the date he heard about it second hand he didn't even see the footage you're completely classless claire classless you like elitist piece of [ __ ] what the [ __ ] dude you should never talk to somebody like this jesus christ is so condescending he doesn't let claire talk and then when she tries to remove herself from the situation he follows her and yells at her about how she's not fit to be the mother of his child you're not fit to be a mother to my child it's disgusting and aggressive and just a bad he should have just left he should have just left the show if he didn't agree with it what does he why does he need to prove his point just bounce dude my daughter saw me doing that my family saw me doing that sorry i really hate that guy i just can't like where do you get off talking to somebody like that it's like dehumanizing and he starts age-shaming claire i expected way more from the oldest bachelorette bro what you don't know what how can you be so immature no no no no this entire time no stop do not stop me i'll listen to you how could you lack so much tact how could you like so much class talking about classless man all right sorry i hate that guy so anyway back to dale because again the season is about dale dale isn't isn't very respectful of the other guy's time because he always seems to interrupt yeah i'm going to respect you ah what i i i didn't know uh somebody was in here i was just kind of roaming yeah yeah do you want to come on over there's a point where dale asked to talk to claire first in the night um and he's like we'll be above board we'll all it's all fair blah blah blah uh it'll only take 10 minutes if i can speak with claire first even if it's for five minutes i would greatly appreciate that and then he steals claire for like two hours which is i guess it's fine but it doesn't say very much about his character you know it all just feels weird like he's just showing up in places where he's not supposed to be and what makes him think that he can do that people say they've talked before the show but they they swear on it that they haven't did you lie to all of baxter nation 100 no and i could wholeheartedly attest to this on my dad's grave yeah that's so intense nobody was asking you to do that yeah you could have just said no i promise also when she meets dale he doesn't really say much and then he walks away and she's like i think i just met my husband so it's is it all first impressions apparently she stalked him on social media or something who's to say but what we can say is that dale treats the show like he already won and so does claire so all the other guys are like why are we here and that's a great question so the disdain with dale boils to a head and uh they haven't they have like a roast date where everybody's like roasting people dale is in the audience and a bunch of the guys are like roasting the other guys and claire i guess and everybody just roasts dale what's one thing you all don't know about dale nothing because he doesn't shut the claire takes huge offense to this uh because you can't talk about dale like that dale's my husband i mean dale is a contestant on the show just like the rest of you and you should be kind to my husband dale i mean be kind to dale the father of my child dale the uh just be kinda dale who what's his name again this guy didn't even talk about dale and she's like interrogating him about dale i have not brought up another man to her but she asked me directly about about dale and then at the end of that date you know you're supposed to give the rose to one of the guys and then you go out for dinner or something have a one-on-one chat it's nice claire gives the rose to herself which behind the scenes apparently was the moment where the abc producers were like we need to we need to wrap this [ __ ] up because uh let's get tasha in here stat so then claire decides to just run away with dale and then she has to break the news to all the guys what i came here for i think i found and it's with dale most of the guys seem to take it okay but they're like a little frazzled which you could expect um but people seem to be concerned about jason which again begs the question who did jason kill it sucks i hit bottom when i gave my last hug to her and i said goodbye then when she breaks up with 29 guys all at once uh one of the guys kenny who i don't i don't really know what where kenny's been all season or any of these people there's like there's so many people normally during this show they can cut to somebody and be like who's that and for this show it's like most people they cut to and i'm like i've never seen you before kenny asks for an apology from claire for falling in love with dale and wanting to leave the show so you should apologize for faking it when you should admit you were in love with dale after the first night i don't think she owes anybody an apology for the record uh this is this is television they knew what they were getting themselves into going on the marriage game show after checking my notes um it appears that the point of the show is that the bachelorette finds someone to marry um so yep seems like uh it seems like this is uh this is a legal move by claire then claire gives her a famous speech about not apologizing for love um which is nice but it is a weird vibe for her to have to like defend herself to all of these dudes that's weird it's weird i'll apologize if i wasted your time i'll apologize if i hurt you but i'm not gonna apologize for love so then the question becomes is dale going to propose because chris harrison goes to dale and is like yo dale um she rejected all the other guys to be with you and he was like i see and then chris harrison nearly bullies this man into like an answer about whether or not he wants to propose because he's like oh yeah i'm already on the phone with with neil lane of his his ring is on the way are you gonna be there to put the ring on claire's finger and propose to this girl so that you guys can leave and we can fly tasha in something i need to tell you what i had tuna fish for lunch and also dale is coming over to propose so let's let's get this show on the road just want to say we are so proud of you they say this just to [ __ ] with claire and get a reaction shot like like there's any world in which dale doesn't propose to her after the way that they've set this season up so that's pretty much the clear season as of right now they're gonna have a tell-all with claire and dale um which kind of sounds like a horse this trusty old steed it's a clarendon prior to this they start teasing tasha season by having her come out of the water like the loch ness monster um and they edit some of the dudes like not being excited about tasha which is [ __ ] because tasha is like the biggest catch the bachelor's ever had so like i feel like again they just all this is in the editing and none of it's real because it's all smoking mirrors with this show i feel bad for taisha because she's inherited this pile of broken men and has to pick up the pieces and that's where things are right now i am excited for tasha's season because i think that tasha is like a rational nice person and uh i'm excited to see i'm excited to see how the show like works with her so far um the promos give me a little worry because they've got tasha up here in a newspaper gown like you couldn't have bought tasha a designer dress you had to she had to make it out of paper mache newspapers herself i know a lot of people were asking me to talk about this uh and i wanted to because it was a tr this was a train wreck that i couldn't look away from um i i wish the best uh for clarendale the horse and um i uh i hope yeah i hope i hope things work out fun fact claire's parents names are lillian james so um claire's the boy who lived and she's harry potter clary potter thanks to evan neary for sending me a message on instagram i have no idea if i'm saying that right if you want me to picture your name do what evan did okay goodbye [Music]

Channel: Jarvis Johnson

Views: 859,023

Rating: 4.9665995 out of 5

Keywords: jarvis, jarvis johnson, comedy

Id: fgNRdfXGdS4

Length: 26min 56sec (1616 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 15 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/ashhmorgg]

I love Jarvis!! He's done videos on Colton's season and Hannah B's season, too. Dude has me rolling sometimes.

[u/dropsfromjupiter]

I love Jarvis! He’s so spot on about everything lmao

[u/Reader_girl1]

I found his channel a few weeks ago. He is great and i love this recap.

Thanks for sharing OP.