The Truth About Having ADHD. Dry Bar Comedy

i will say this me and my dog do have this in common we have terrible add which uh is very you know people don't care that atd's the one disorder people like get over get over it man just just focus what are you doing like there's no sympathy for add there's no walk for a cure for a.d.d which is a shame because it would be such a short walk you do it on your lunch break man we couldn't even organize the add water we kept getting distracted squirrel the whole time now we'd have to get help from ocd yeah those folks got their stuff together great to be back i got to tell you i've been married to my wife tammy for 33 consecutive years [Applause] thank you and when you've been with a person that long you learn to trust their instincts so when she said to me a while back you need to get diagnosed now so for what i feel fine she said that attention deficit stuff i know you got it and it's driving me insane so i said why now she goes what do you mean why now i said well if i got attention deficit i've had it for 60 years ahead of my whole life it's not a virus you can't catch it on a toilet seat it's not like you go to the bathroom in a mall and you come out two days later and you go boy i'm so distracted where did that come from i don't know so why are you bothered about it now she said because you keep telling me you'll do things around this house and you don't do them and it's driving me nuts that's not attention deficit that's passive aggressive and i've had that for 63 years but i honored my wife because that's what a man does sir that's right you do right you honor your wife i went and got diagnosed i spent an hour with a psychologist after an hour it turns out i'm not only do i have attention deficit i'm also a functioning hypochondriac functioning i'm not clinical those people are sick but this is how god protects his children it's my adhd that keeps my hypochondria functional in those days i've convinced myself i need an ambulance by the time i get to the phone to call one i'm a distracted four or five times [Music] i usually wind up in the kitchen i got a telephone i can't remember why i got a telephone and that's when i ordered the pizza my kids loved me dad's dying again really pepperoni pops yeah i uh tell you this a lot of people don't know this about me uh i have atd look look everybody just stared at me at the same time like no kidding we'll take things we already knew for 200 alex you guys like you don't have atd dude you have adhd it's true i just don't have time for the h you guys i love you guys i was just messing with you earlier look the amish people are like this is the weirdest magician ever he needs a rabbit i i do listen man we get a bad rap lady dave let me tell you something you know what's great about 80d if you have 80d you never get depressed yeah you can't get depressed with 80d why you don't have time it's beautiful man with add you're like oh man i just got fired hey it's a butterfly problem over come on amish people let's do this that was great i just dove across the stage chasing an imaginary butterfly bounced off the column and half he looked at me like oh no he reminds me of my kid i got some good news for you utah you got good news coming at you here it is you can learn something by watching my show tonight that's right for example you can learn that your kid can get a job someday [Music] there's hope yes your kid can totally get a job someday telling jokes with 300 people in provo utah at a dry bar comedy special baby come on [Applause] you guys are awesome man i uh i was joking one night about atd and this lovely lady came up to me after the show she goes um i have a question are you ever worried about offending people who have add i was like heck no people with add get mad at me it's gonna last for like three seconds they'll get over it they got a lot of things to almost do thank you for getting that part utah if you have 80d you might not finish anything but you start something new every five minutes keep busy it's a weird thing to think someone on the planet is half you you know i write an article that add might be genetic so i wrote a lot of apology to my kids okay i started a lot of apology to my kids they've come a long way they gave it a name when i was a kid they didn't call it a.d.d they call it uh possessed by the devil that was the term we didn't have ritalin we had boiled chicken feed and pound him with mangoes or something why are there leeches on my head i want to suck out the evil you little freak i'm in an add book club we get together once a month and just just talk about the first page of books then we go outside and try and find our cars and we laugh and laugh hour later oh wait i didn't drive high five you win dude [Music] once again the add jokes aren't for everybody very select group of the audience and sadly they are not paying attention at this point in the show i'll never make excuses that's my promise to you i don't like the excuse people i murdered because i have adhd that's why i murdered you're a liar it's impossible here's what happened i'm going to kill that guy and ooh pie [Laughter] pie is 80d kryptonite that is that joke right there folks pie has kept me from my greatest accomplishment man there's a denny's on the way to everything i don't blame my dad i needed some correction i was a hyper kid we didn't have any ritalin we had sugar we didn't have adhd either our diagnosis was eures pass got it on the bus on the way to school speaking of knowledge i'm looking at the the looks that i'm getting from people and i'm thinking now would be a good time to talk about my facial hair decisions okay so um i know that i look like a cast member of sons of anarchy or the construction worker from the village people but i am neither of those things okay i am a superhero okay yes us superheroes just have weird facial hair if you'll notice my friend wolverine right he has got weird facial hair i'm very similar to wolverine i'm just not from the wolf family of superhero i am from the badger family of superhero okay i am badgering badgering okay yeah that's that's my i'm i knew when i was a kid look at my teeth right really sharp plus growing up my teachers would always say why are you so badgering and then i found out when i was 36 years old that i had adhd and i realized it's a superpower okay i am super annoying all right and i'm super elusive okay so i'll annoy you okay and then you want to kill me right but then you can't catch me all right then i just come back and i annoy you more and then you just want to kill yourself okay that's how it works badgering right there that's my power it's my call sign yeah i like being married though i really do i'll tell you this i i really do have adhd okay and guess what the fun doesn't end there so do both of my kids yeah they both have adhd oh and guess what else my wife okay hates all of us true story there are pluses and minuses to having add here's one of the pluses a lot of guys okay they get yelled at because their wife realizes that they have zoned out of the conversation okay i don't get yelled at if i zone out all i get is did you take your pill today and i'm always like nope i forgot but i'm gonna go do that right now and then i just never come back because we are good at problem solving see that's the thing we don't think we atd people we don't think you know i had one rule growing up my whole life and that rule was if you think of something funny you show you that thing right now right that was my rule and i lost a lot of friends with that rule okay but then when i was 36 i got diagnosed adhd i got put on adderall which is a stimulant and not good for your heart but it gives you a filter all right because once yeah i would always say inappropriate things and then i started taking adderall and then i would still think of funny things i'd be like oh that's funny i should say that and then the adderall be like don't say that and i'd be like thank you adderall this is a filter this is what i've heard about and wanted for so long and now i have and it's wonderful and i have a friend who has add but he won't get diagnosed and so he doesn't take anything so he always is saying crazy things so half of my act comes from his house and uh i was at tim's house a month ago and his son this is my friend tim his son alex almost five cute kid alex comes up and goes dad i forget am i awesome or am i fantastic and tim was like no buddy you are autistic okay remember how many times have i told you that and alex was like 1023 times because it's a mercen prime and it's one away from two to the tenth power and i'm like that kid is authentic okay first of all i had to google mercen prime i was pretty impressed all right look less than that story is that 80d people say things that makes them lose friends and i've lost friends okay my wife gave me very good advice to keep friends she said if a friend tells you bad news in their life you just say i'm sorry to hear that and nothing else [Music] she also said buy them a card or a gift because actions speak louder than words and that is very good advice a week later my friend told me that he had been diagnosed with lyme disease so i said i'm sorry to hear that nothing else got him to get well card too and i put a coupon in for limeade because you know why you know why i did that my other friend he went to florida and got his hand bit off by an alligator because they jump out of trees now and it's real google it bedroom and uh it jumped out of a tree and it bit his hand off and he hated the gatorade so i was not a good student i in fact i had add before add was invented does anybody know what i mean when i say that now they put these letters after a kid's name and everybody wants to help him where were those teachers when i was in school man those letters if that last letter is a d they are all on board aren't they of course he's staring out the window he's got add what's he supposed to do he's adhd he's adhd he's bd and he's ld and on top of that i think he's ocd he's boy he's uh he's got add really bad now when i was a kid it wasn't called a.d.d it was called tommy needs a spanking oh yeah that good spanking could cure chickenpox when i was a kid yeah [Applause] that's bad i know it is his add is so bad he'll have a.d.d in the middle of a joke he's like dad yeah buddy he go knock knock he's there who's where he's a good kid he is outside i have two kids i've been married to a wonderful woman our marriage works because i come from an awesome family and she comes from a family ah they're great too i'll tell you more about them but we have two children very proud of them i think i i'm glad i hope i didn't pass along my 80d with them i don't know i think there's i don't have the spider monkey atd i have the don't think things through 80d i don't know if you hannah you have kids like that they they think outside the box that's what you do because you know at a mexican restaurant when the fajitas come on those iron skillets and they're going the waitress goes don't touch that skillet it's hot well now i need to know how hot it is who here touched the skillet everybody touches the skillet with us with add we're different than you because most of you touch the skull go wow wow i know not to touch the skillet again some of us touch the skillet go wow wow let's see if it happens with the other fingers [Music] i saw add when i worked at the airport i was a baggage handler baggage handler and i worked at baggage claim and kids can't stand still in the airport now i'm on a if you've said ben an airport baggage claim uh you stand outside a wall your suitcases come out on this rubber belt through these big rubber flappy things and it goes around it comes back through the rubber flappy things and goes around and around till you pick them up i was that guy behind that belt who's throwing it placing your suitcases [Music] on the belt that's just another day you can hear people outside and round and round suitcase suitcase round and round you can hear kids playing kids yelling suddenly yelling gets louder and all of a sudden i hear the three-year-old boy comes through the flappy things on my side of the wall he was playing on the belt his shoestring got pinched and now he's coming he's on my side of the wall and this is not in my baggage handler's training manual he's coming at me screaming like i don't know what to do so here's the quick judgment i have i said i'll just let him just go all around with the other suitcases and go back out pretend i didn't see this but i panicked because i heard his mom on the other side of the flappy things you'd cry too it's like it reminds me a scene from willie walk in the chocolate factory right this kid doesn't listen and he's gone so you're screaming here here's screaming here i just wanted to stop so i made a decision i grabbed the kid's leg i pulled it out of the stuck shoe and i put it this made him worse this could this is no whiney mommy i want candy crying this is the real deal you have to use some compassion with this young man you can't yell at him i said quiet quiet you see all these suitcases those are all full of kids that wouldn't stop crying [Music] oh he was quiet right away silence just in time for that empty tennis shoe to go back out to the flappy things you had heard his mom because that poor woman saw a whole child coming this side she heard screaming stopped abruptly and then just a little piece comes out over here so there's a noise here this woman on there said oh my baby it's gone it's gone i hear laughing here chuckling this case fun i hear my mommy crying i said do you think this is funny well give me the other shoe kid let's have some fun here it seems like these days what gets me is every kid has a condition you know when i was a kid we categorized things a little different that kid's smart that kid's dumb that is good that kid's bad that kid can pay attention that kid can't but now everyone's got a condition you know in my family alone over the years we've had add adhd cable because adhd is just add in your face squirrel so we've had that add adhd asperger syndrome and autism all running around my house at times yeah my wife and i finally realized hey it's easier and cheaper just to medicate us [Laughter] you kidding me we're popping all kinds of pills and we're happy all the time kids are breaking things setting fires injuring each other we're just happy the children are playing well together we're raising great kids i got add if you haven't realized yet folks i'm surprised i'm not doing the show to the octopus i like it octopus yeah i do got add does anyone have a dd yeah oh it's the worst i was diagnosed with add when i was five years old i remember my dad my dad didn't believe him you know i said that doctor said i got a day he goes nah you're just an idiot i said no dad doctor said i got atd because look i don't care how you add it up you're a i said dad seriously doctor said i might have be one of them uh idiots of months and he goes well he's got half that diagnosis right [Laughter] we argue a lot about political correctness some say it's gone too far i say not far enough especially in the names we still give to certain diseases like i feel like it's very offensive to people with attention deficit disorder that we thought we had to abbreviate it to add the doctor that came up with that was like look you have a disability but you're not going to be able to pay attention long enough for me to tell you what it is stop playing with my stethoscope dude focus he's funny he has adhd i have adhd the other side of that coin if you have adhd is that you're very creative we're both very creative he uh he he's amazing he doesn't according to his report card he doesn't just have adhd he also has a couple of adhfs who needs algebra he does because he wants to be an engineer i'm jealous of kids today what a good time to be a kid kids have so much cool stuff now that i wish we had when we were little like the internet and attention deficit disorder who knew me acting out and getting poor grades was just a cry for medication i had to figure out i needed meds all by myself when i was 18. they pull you out of class hook you up send you back first grade's like a rave last month i was on a cruise ship i said attention deficit disorder on stage a little boy down front could have been older than seven stood up in the middle of my show he goes it's not attention deficit disorder it's attention deficit hyper hyperactivity disorder sat back down [Laughter] right in the middle of my show like if we got to take his pills or something i looked it up on the internet the kid was right i was uh i was at a casino in california jackson rancheria this uh indian casino and this lady just would not stop she could have and it's a 17-pound miniature australian shepherd doesn't look like your typical service she just kept asking what is it is it cancer is it diabetes is it diabetes because i know they can smell insulin changes and she just would not stop but i saw with this straight face i swear i said dog's name's ritalin i have add and that dog helps me to focus she puts her hand on my shoulder she goes my son has your condition she says tell me does the dog really help i didn't answer right away i thought about the consequences to my answer and how it might affect their family life and everything yeah get your boy puppy it'll help him do homework right that lady had it coming didn't she well i'll tell you a little bit about myself before i actually start which okay i'm looking at the clock okay i have i have a thing called add okay or adhd right the millennials know what that is right i wonder if he's on adderall he can study all night okay so no i do have a dd or adhd okay which which stands for uh you know okay because he's just doesn't get any of this he's just okay it stands for uh attention attention attention i like your bracelet that's very shiny right basically it stands for squirrel okay so and i am glad sir that you're sitting up here on the front row uh what's your name sir trey really trey because i've been in utah for four days and i meet people like what's your name gideon abraham i swear to god i met a kid yesterday i'm not joking and we were talking about names he said yeah i'm one of four boys and this night he has matthew mark luke and fred okay so [Music] no but when i said add that's not a joke okay when i said add you were like i saw the look on his face i never had that in my generation i mean right you never like nowhere in time anytime in your life did your mother ever go what's wrong with your friend tim you're like like oh oh i don't know mom i think he's got attention deficit hyperactivity disorder you never said that right back in the day you're like i think his mama dropped him on his head but no there was a study that came out okay about add and it's true your generation never had it and a study came out uh it was a 25-year study okay and it was the am it was in the ama that's american medical association it was it was on the internet so you know it's true that was my trump joke oh wait a minute did the half the crowd turn on me look i'm a comedian i'm a comedian when the election came out i'm like you know i'm looking it's like trump hillary i didn't care who won right because i figured i'm a comic i'm good either way right no because trump all he has to do is tweet something there's my next show right and if hillary was president that would have been awesome right she'd be up there giving a speech you know going america and no matter what she said bill would be in the back photo bomb and he'd be like i'm back baby anyway i got to focus okay okay squirrel okay so 25 year study i got to remember okay and it came out and the reason why sir that your generation never had add and it's actually linked to your parents and their generation okay listen to your millennial okay the reason why they never had adhd is because your parents had a belt okay so rip him whip him we're late for church okay so [Music] i think add actually proves that god has a sense of humor i really do anyone in here have add or adhd there you go and this is why this is why i think it proves god has a sense of humor because most kids most people the the majority probably over 80 percent of people with add or adhd actually have has above average iq you know that right yeah look at this guy this guy over here is like really i didn't know that okay so but they do right right so to me that's for me i think goblet there he goes okay let's uh let's give him a really high iq and then something they're going to call a learning disability put him together yeah okay watch that one he's my favorite

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 549,258

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, ADHD, ADHD Comedy, ADHD Comedian, ADHD Dry Bar Comedy, ADD Comedy, ADD Comedian, Comedians With ADD, Attention Deficit disorder, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2022, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Comedy Compilation, Having ADD, Having ADHD

Id: QafoV1oPu_I

Length: 28min 8sec (1688 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 26 2022