DREW LYNCH: SHORT KING | FULL COMEDY SPECIAL

[Music] ladies and gentlemen may I present this Ayah of satire Lord of the Rings ruler of angels and soldiers of [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] how are you Atlanta good everybody's living their lives my legal name is Andrew it's so weird that we say legal name right it's like No One Ever Knows their illegal name I guess mine would be Andres you guys like jokes here are you okay sometimes sometimes comedians they do jokes and it really catches people off guard at a comedy show it's tough it is tough nowadays for comedians you know sometimes we'll make a joke just like that one I did it the other day a lady came up she was like you can't see that's hates me towards Mexicans I was like I stand five feet four inches I have a torso tattoo and my English is pretty broken all right I am Mexican got it puto is what I said sorry that might I don't I don't know what that means that might be hate speech I'm sorry that's too far it's racist I am the short man um or a tall boy you decide actually please don't decide that would hurt my feelings quite a bit please don't say anything it confuses a lot of people too sometimes I'll be out out at a bar security they always come up behind me they're always like is that a kid or is that an adult and that's when I have to be like well let's have sex we'll find out [Applause] but if you're wrong it's a felony so how much you want to risk it you know what I mean I call that molester roulette let's play people talk to you different when you're my hype you might not even be aware that you do this but when someone asks how tall I am they go like this how short are you what they removed the word tall from the question they're like no no let's start with your relationship to the ground not the sky we'll work backwards on this save some time that's messed up man that's not how we measure things how do we measure things it is always how much of something has happened right that's why people say how old are you not how much longer you got I'm five four and five four sucks because you're not tall enough to be respected and you're not short enough to be a fetish you're just mid you know that's what that means you know it's like the manager of a smoothie shop people like is he open are they back there what's going on I've been rejected by girls that I wasn't even approaching I was just walking by and this chick was like No And then I just didn't cross the street that day you know what I mean I had to I had to find a different way home start a new life in her defense though I I I I startled her because I walk fast you know I mean I have to walk fast so I can keep up with all you regulars so I got that Critter pace [Applause] you know you know when you turn the lights on you're like oh I saw it I saw something that was me I got that Critter pace like Pomeranians they look so much busier than they are A lot's happening but they're not going anywhere sick of being in the front of your photos you guys find someone else to do it I'm not doing it anymore all right you stand behind a plant if you want to cover up your holiday belly I got my old stomach to worry about all right I haven't exhaled since 2009 you don't know me every group photo it's always the same Dreadful announcement all the tall people are like okay sure people in the front door and then me and two strangers appear from under your legs and we're like hi hello nice to meet you we're gonna take the photo hello short people in the front as you guys just stand over us and mouth breathe on our heads what are they saying it's too much pressure to be in the front right all the short people we're we're on the Forefront of all judgment okay if a group picture turned out good that's because the short people killed it we gotta be on our a game always all right it's true go back and look at all your group photos look at your albums the short people in the front we're always like look at the tall people in the back they're always like duh no idea that a picture is being taken they're like how come we're all facing the same direction are we staring at Kathy why are we counting down how do you look like a baby bird and a mama bird at the same time I think we can all agree that the worst human beings on Earth are dudes who tap the top of a door frame as they walk into a building [Applause] You Know Who You Are Connor or whatever your name is probably you probably did it tonight didn't you this is a classy establishment you're like comedy show ah still got it [Applause] [Laughter] they always say still got it and we're left wondering what it is that they still have it's not friends you had to find a building to high-five you bud that's not a real friend I just don't know if it's ever worked ladies correct me if I'm wrong tell me once if you've ever seen a dude tap and you were like oh my God excuse me I don't normally do this but when you dunked an invisible basketball on that imaginary who with literally no one defending you I queefed I don't know the answer sorry I don't know the end I'm sorry about that sorry I don't know what that that's not a sorry I'm sorry about that [Applause] my point is it doesn't work all right that's my point fellas no one cares about your vertical this ain't the combine you'll never see the opposite I've never once bragged about my height you know I mean you'll never see me go outside and slap a curb we'll go out there like yeah just parallel park that big foreign [Applause] toes knees and toes still got it [Applause] my wife is taller than me and you knew that it's no other place for me to go there's this term that they came up with for dudes who happen to be shorter than their lady and we are called short Kings I am what is called a short King that is what they came up with so we would feel better about ourselves and let me tell you something you can keep it because you know who else is a short King uh Lord Farquaad from Shrek yeah how did it end up for that guy that movie is about how a chick would rather be with an ogre than a shorter human man I envy dudes who are taller than their chick I really do because if the mood strikes and things get hot and heavy you can just pick her up and take her to the bed Nami I have to ask [Applause] ooh so spontaneous hey babe do you want to go to the bedroom why I I will tell you when we get there it's not sex and I promise it's a surprise oh I'm naked for a different thing don't worry about it it is the most unsexy thing to lead your taller wife via the hand to the bedroom dude I look like a toddler who saw a toy he likes like [Applause] you know how hard it is to get your wife off the couch using your words dude it turned into like one of those internet motivational speakers I'm like today is your day you need to attack your goals get in there two minutes could change your life [Applause] when that doesn't work I talked to her like she's a dog before bedtime let's go to bed come on we're going to bed come on Mom let's go to bed come on we're going to bed come on hey hey let's go we're going to bed hey let's go hey come on hey we're going to sex come on let's go to sex come on we're going to sex come on we're going to sex with me hey come on hey put it down put that down we'll go in a sec I'm going to sex without you come on let's go to sex hey we're going to sex where's your toy I gotta get her toy thank you I wore myself out trying to get her into the bedroom Jesus yeah she's got her toy she'll be fine can't say I haven't tried though can't say I haven't tried to pick her up I tried to be a man one day never again you sir you look like you could lift some furniture you know what I'm talking about you know the rules when something's a bit more cumbersome you got you got you gotta go further down on it you know what I mean I tried doing that with my wife I lifted her at the knees she folded in half and hit her head on the coffee table [Applause] not a great start to sex I would say you know now I got a body on my hands all right it's a whole different situation I need a rug and an alibi you know gotta start asking all the right questions does she have a concussion does her consent still carry you know what I mean if she wakes up with a stutter is it a deal breaker you know there are some perks though let me tell you there are some perks that they don't tell you about sexually or some things you might not even know like my wife and I we tried to 69 one time I don't know what that position is for you guys but I'll tell you what it is for us that is where I please my wife with my mouth and she talks about how ashy my knees are [Applause] she's like down there journaling I'm being waterboarded I'm like are we done can we this is Grenada I hate this I'm sorry I know it's weird to imagine me having sex I'm sorry about that I look like I don't I look like I couldn't even smash a like button but every single time I do it every single time right after we're done having sex I always say the same thing I I can't help myself right when we're done I always go damn that Amazon just delivered my package [Applause] and uh she does not like that at all but you know I stared her neck the whole time I'll call her whatever I want you know what I'm saying I've never seen her face before I don't know what she looks like it's like the top of the fridge what's up there my wife is female um so yeah you were wrong about that don't let these tight pants fool you fellas my wife is female a lot of people they meet me and they assume that I'm gay and you know what they say about assuming it makes an ass that I want to be inside of it's a gay joke um a lot of people they meet me they assume that I'm gay and it really bums me out that I'm not yeah I would love to be gay seriously I think I think I'd be great at it like I'd be issuing you know what I mean if I ever get over this being attracted to women thing I will apply you have my word I'll hand in my badge gun gay guys man they've built such a great culture I love it ah gay guys somehow they've just been able to get away with calling women all the time I love that I could never do that I could never could you hand me your drink she'd be like she'd be like what I'm like I'm gay she's like okay there's a language that they have you know I understand it I can't speak it okay guys and gay guys and women man let me tell you it's cool little if there's like a little drink special you know what I mean the little ones you know the ones that got their own stanchion the ones that are on the bar like whether it's got its own headshot and the pictures like sweating and there's like a like us like a silly straw and a sassy name like the Blue Lagoon hurricane kiss and then there's a watermelon that's scissor in the rim I'll never know what that tastes like it's not forming I know my place you know I gotta hang back say straight guy things like on the rocks it's how straight I am I call my ice rocks such a freaking man I get up to the bar it is this high on me where's my rocks I think everybody's gay and I didn't want to tell you I'm sorry you didn't but you just can you just stay right there I'll come to you you're gay you know what I mean you don't even have to do anything all right you don't even have to go out of your closet we'll come to you all right it's just Uber gay you're gay sometimes it's a little bit you know sometimes it's a lot you know sometimes it's medium sometimes it's just a little just a little dash of gay just a you know a little saffron a day that's fine it's a full-on spectrum I think we're all on it no matter what no matter when I ever tell somebody that they're just a little bit gay no matter what show there's always some dude afterwards it's always like it's it was like an hour ago it's the thing you said the gay I'm a hundred percent I am a hundred percent right and I'm like what you followed me to my car I don't know what we're doing out here dude it's very weird trying to leave [Applause] it's all right man sometimes it's just a small percentage I've done some self-evaluating I think my percentage hovers right around three percent gay that's me just a little bit gayer than milk you know that's my percentage just three percent it's not much like I think Chris Hemsworth is handsome but only when his hair is down you know what I'm saying it's three percent just there you go three percent you know like if there was like a boner I would just come come on you know come on you know like one of those door stoppers [Music] Dylan come on what is that come on [Applause] you know some people are like true I think it might be more than three percent for you that's fine that's fine I'm open for feedback I think I landed on a good number though I can I can concede that it's higher than three percent I think to be specific my number's between three and four percent gay that's me I'm about three I'm like three point one four one five nine two six I am bisexual that's right that's exactly correct you know what I mean like I'm not all the colors but I could taste the rainbow you feel me not a full-on pansexual but I'm like a Skittle and a griddle what fascinates me about the gay community is that they have names for each other based on their body types that correspond with animals in the wild I'll give you an example I'll give you an example if there's like a husky or fella they'll be like that's a bear right they got there's a smaller version of that they're like that's a cub okay so they have bears and cubs they have wolves they have they have they have otters and and Bulls they got twinks I don't know what animal that is but you know I hope to see one in the woods like oh there it was it was so fast ah the Critter Pace oh look at it now those are the gay terms right last time I went to get my hair cut I sat down and you know us shorter people they got to do this for a while oh ah they get their hands and balls they're like this guy came in then a dude from a railroad comes on the other side [Applause] get my haircut to go I'm very busy now my barber he's openly gay and when I sat down he says to me he goes hmm yeah you're not quite muscular enough to be a wolf but you're not skinny enough to be an otter now these are the gay terms but this was prior to me knowing about them so I said back to him I was like uh thanks man you are not as robust as a buffalo but you are as curious as a meerkat he's like what are you talking about I was like what are you talking about what are we what are we talking about right now he goes these are gay terms I was like uh I'm not gay and he goes oh [Music] well just wait I was like what wait wait what [Applause] I was like is that how you become gay they just subpoena you I was like oh I gotta take off work for this this is ridiculous yeah I can't come in this week I'm gay I think it's mandatory can't get out of it not quite muscular enough to be a wolf not skinny enough to be an otter that's what he said and then he didn't say anything else for the rest of the haircut he just threw me in body Purgatory left me to figure it out I started over analyzing just as I do I was like why can't he soar me into a house he doesn't know me I could be gay I could be one of those gays I could be so gay he doesn't know freaking me how gay I could be for one of those freaking things I want to be a gay animal started over analyzing my body you know just being stuck between these two mediums I started thinking I was like man maybe that's what's kept me firmly planted in the Stray Community this whole time that's a slippery slope my guy you know what happens if I want to drop a few pounds you know well not too many because then I'm an otter or if I start hitting the gym a little too hard don't want to bulk up too much then I'm a wolf I came to the conclusion that I literally cannot diet or exercise or I might be gay I am one Cobb salad away from a penis you guys have no idea the pressers of my life every day every meal could send me I had to know I asked him I had to know I was like hey man like but which one is it more of though right yeah I mean you know which one is it gone which one is amoros and he goes there I can't decide I was like going to your head though am I more of like a you know beta wolf or Alpha otter you know he goes it doesn't matter man in our community it's not like one animal is better than the other I was like really because it sounds like one of those is better like one would eat the other one probably that sounds better to me being alive what are you insane yeah the old wolves aren't as good okay what kind of a movie would the Jungle Book be if Mowgli was raised by otters that's a way different story yeah oh no Shere Khan is coming let's Giggle and swim on our backs I started thinking I was like I wouldn't even know how to use the information he gave me even if I was gay what am I going to go up to some dude like hey man I don't know what you're into but you know I am not quite muscular enough to be a wolf and I am not skinny enough to be an otter so if you are confused as well what do you say we go to the zoo together and we'll figure this out you know what I mean let's point at things that we are let's get endangered and that guy's like I'm not gay I'm like cool just wait you'll see they'll text you you don't know [Applause] so that's the gay community man and you might think that that that that's strange I think it's organized straight guys we don't talk about each other that way that's not how we talk you have a straight dude talk we're always just like yeah that's Kevin he's a dick there's his brother Larry that guy's a that's it those are the only two superlatives we use ooh Greg now don't worry about Greg Greg's an oh Brad nah Brad's a dick it's just dicks and which ironically [Applause] my wife has this thing it's called ADHD do you guys know what this is it's not add by the way that one's different that's the one you diagnose yourself that's where people are like oh sorry I tuned out of your story I have ADD no you suck you're addicted to your phone you need to take responsibility ADHD that one's a little more intense all right she had to go to a hospital to get that age now when she went to the doctor the doctor was like you have what's called a d h d and she was like what and he was like this is the third time I told you please stop coming back here [Applause] now if you don't know what ADHD is you probably knew someone in school who had it right ADHD kids they were always like the weird kid in class all right the one that does this the weird kid you know not the quiet one not the not the quiet emo that's to themselves weird no the other weird one the one who sat next to the emo kid and asked them questions like so is black your favorite color you wear it all the time you wore that black hoodie last Wednesday and on Friday do you wear eyeliner on the weekends you're always an eyeliner I noticed that it's also black did you know black is the absence of color I have a hoodie as well that's black but it's reversible with the blue technically that's one color and no color that's how they talk by the way I would cut myself too [Applause] oh [Music] [Applause] now people with ADHD they get hyper focused and easily distracted at the exact same time so that means they are really good at starting projects did you feel how unsatisfying that was that was a polite way of saying they're good at making a mess in my living room all the time because what happens is she will get started on something and then she sees movement so then she starts doing whatever this thing is and then a sound goes off so then she's doing whatever that and then her phone happens and then so that it's like it's like living with a Roomba you know it's just you follow the trail of Broken Dreams until she's stuck in the corner somewhere and there's just there's just things it just it looks like Etsy took a in our house it's just miscellaneous random things [Applause] but she has good intentions and I guess that that counts for something so this is what she'll do she'll say something like okay I'm gonna clean and then she will start the vacuum and She'll follow that until it hits the coffee table which wobbles because she hit her head she doesn't remember so the coffee table wobbles and she goes oh no that's uneven so she will begin to disassemble the coffee table but she only takes apart the two legs that are nearest to her all right so the table becomes lopsided oblivious to the very full coffee mug that comes sliding down onto the carpet now there's a stain this is cleaning by the way don't forget and she goes oh no there's a stain I I should probably get a paper towel to clean that up so she goes over to the kitchen to grab a paper towel she's in a completely different room now okay that room is done it's over all right it's a distant memory at this point box it up it doesn't matter and she goes okay what will I do in the kitchen today my goodness the world is my oyster with this kitchen I could do anything maybe I'll start a project I'll bake a pie from scratch that's what I should do should be a very small project I should be hungry in about eight to ten hours I will build a pie oh it looks like we're all out of paper towels I'm gonna go to the store that's what I'll do I'm just gonna head out and I'll go right to the store oh wait what's going on with the vacuum what happened over here it's like she becomes a detective who discovers her own crime scene he's like I've never seen the table like this what happened with the vacuum why is this going on I'm like you're the murderer what are you talking about [Music] and then she rediscovers the stain and goes oh that's right the coffee because of the stain I went to go get paper towels but we're out of paper towels I need to blot this so she'll take her shirt off and start to blot the stain literally I come in from the Next Room the vacuum's running my table's broken she's naked a baby's crying we don't have kids I'm like what the is going on and she goes I was gonna do a load of laundry and then I don't see her for four days and three nights she does meth I think I don't know my wife she collects rocks I do not care if they identify as crystals they are rocks they are everywhere bro they're all over our home they're on the window sills and on the in the drawers on the toilet seat we live in a quarry we live we live outside we're homeless I think I don't know and she won't let me get rid of them because she claims that they have powers highlighted by the planets uh the stars and the Mercury's and Venus's anus or whatever I try to throw him out and she's like you don't even know what they're doing for you don't you feel so protected I would say yeah if we get a slingshot we're in business all we have is ammo right now we have nothing every day she gets a new rock every single day she gets a new one because there's this little meditation Guru Center Spa find your heal your clitor this chakra whatever thing every day she goes there and right when she walks in the clerky pops up and goes oh my customer and then and then he sells her some rock that he found outside on his smoke break probably and while he's selling it he Winks at me I'm like you're a piece of you know she has a problem [Applause] and when she gets outside the store she just goes oh I just feel so grounded I'm not yeah babe you got a pocket full of rocks right now thank you if you were a corpse you would sink what are you insane that's physics one day we were on a walk outside uh or at home and we stumble upon this uh well okay it's like if it loses it's very shallow well it's about two two to three feet it's very shallow I I could get out of it okay don't all laugh that hurts we stumble upon this well and at the bottom of this well there is a squirrel that's hanging at the bottom of this well okay and here's how I react whenever I see a squirrel it's a squirrel my wife has a very different spiritual moment I don't know why I don't know her connection to the score I don't know if it's because like they're equally as Twitchy I don't know I feel like they're talking about me I don't know so she sees the squirrel and she goes babe quick lend me your shoe I will lower it down by the laces and we'll hoist them up like it's a squirrel elevator I was like I love that you think just because we lower a shoe down there a squirrel will willingly get in it and leave with us like we are his family and she goes you're right we should build a ladder so he can leave on his own terms and I was like that's not at all what I said so I go about my adult life I come home later to discover my wife is sitting in the middle of the living room the glue gun is on so I'm too late and what she's done is she has taken two of my shoelaces and she laid them out vertically and then she hot glued popsicle sticks we did not have popsicle sticks by the way we had a box of popsicles can you guess what happened next this chick has got brain freeze and purple lips and is doing arts and crafts in my living room I'm like whose toddler am I babysitting right now with my laptop open to a Google search that says how tall are squirrels I was like really for squirrels you say tall so she collects the ladder just like so we're heading back to to the well my shoes are much looser haha and just before she releases it I notice that there is a note attached and I was like hey babe is that a note for the squirrel and she goes no that's so people read it and know not to remove the latter and I was relieved because I needed to know how far on the spectrum of this she was [Applause] and so she takes the ladder in very dramatic fashion she unfurls it that's a pretty good ladder I don't know what the sound they make but that's whatever particularly your fancy [Music] she unfurls the ladder and I swear to God the squirrel looked at the ladder and just got out on his own [Applause] and she goes it worked [Applause] [Music] I'm gonna knit a scarf and that is my whole life every day is that day all right I live with a make a wish kid all the time so I'm just like all right let's follow your dreams I guess we'll see what happens now people who stutter we tend to do it more when we're feeling nervous or agitated frustrated overwhelmed and there was one particular day where both mine and my wife's issues my stutter and her ADHD came together for one beautiful awful storm I was I came home from shows it had just been an exhausting day and very lovingly my wife noticed so she asked she goes hey babe what's the matter and what I said at the time was it's nothing it's just today I'm feeling very stressed but at the time that I said it I stuttered on the word stressed so it sounded like just and this chick started dancing [Applause] she was like that was that was a sick beat man [Applause] I was like yeah we should start a band and not finish it Atlanta thank you guys so much [Applause] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music]

Channel: Drew Lynch

Views: 377,241

Keywords: Drew Lynch, Short King, Comedian, America's Got Talent, stand-up comedy, standup comedy, ADHD, Comedy, comedy special, full comedy special, AGT, stand up stand-up, Drew Lynch Stand up, concussed, full special, funny videos, comedy videos, best comedy, best stand up, funny jokes, full comedy special 2023, best comedian, hour special, comic, stutter, speech impediment, comedy shows, comedy shows near me, sexuality, golden buzzer performance, Drew Lynch Short King, Comedy Special

Id: U_4WhK6KcRo

Length: 44min 56sec (2696 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 08 2023