#68: Jeff Allen

I'm a nice hand for West got you all worked up in a lather it's the warm them up West get them going that was great what was that three minutes what do you anyway it's nice they dropped the charges and let me come back to Pockets you know apparently you have to wear pants when you eat here who knew I was thinking about a uh um Lenny Bruce told a story about work in small towns in the Midwest and 7 A.M so mayor's wife would call him up and she'd say oh did I wake you and he'd say now I always like to get up 12 hours before I go to work so this is 12 hours before I normally go to work so anyway a little bit about myself and then we'll move on I'm 66 years old I have Medicare by the way thank you very much I got my Medicare card told my wife I'm going to the doctor she says what's wrong I said I don't know it's 12 bucks I'm going every day baby a lot of old guys go to the park and feed the pigeons I'm going to urologists something's going to break and I'm going to be right there when it does I'm just going to walk over hold it out do I need this it just fell off do I need this because that's like I'm a functioning hypochondriac function I'm not clinical those people are really sick they're mentally ill this is how God protects his children it's my ADHD that I have that keeps my hypochondria manageable think about I have days I do I convince myself I need an ambulance by the time I get to the phone to call when I'm a distracted four or five times so stand in the kitchen got a telephone can't remember why I picked up a telephone and that's when I would order the pizza so when I tell you my kids loved me they loved me dad's dying again pepperoni come on so that's the way it works uh so I'm uh I have two grown boys I have four grandchildren ages nine down to six I've been married to my wife Tammy for 36 consecutive years all in a row thank you very much uh it's 223 I Married An Entertainer years so and uh some more things more personal I'm a recovering addict drug addict alcoholic uh uh 27 years ago we filed bankruptcy my wife and I lost everything financially 25 years ago Tammy said to me one morning if things don't improve in our marriage she was going to file for divorce and I only tell you this because I draw most of my comedy from my life experience and that's a few of the highlights we'll cover this morning that's right alcoholism bankruptcy and divorce so strap on your party hats guys Mr Sunshine drove all the way here from Fairview just to cheer you up I love fair by the way we got our first traffic light about 12 years ago there were 17 accidents the first week we had a light apparently the locals couldn't figure out why there was a floating Red Dot in the sky just driving along that's new Edna go make a note I live next door to a 79 year old lady she lost her husband well she didn't lose it we know right where he is he's not going anywhere so we plunked him down a while ago but I tell you this because last July this summer we were out mowing our Lawns I have a couple acres she's got a few and we're out there mowing around and uh we we meet at the fence we're having a conversation and uh Tammy my wife saw that came out with some iced tea so this is why I like living where I live I mean I know my neighbor and uh she's not going to call the FBI on me because I'm wearing a red hat you know and uh that's him so uh anyway in the middle of our conversation she said she had to take a cognitive test to get a license renewed in Tennessee and I thought cognitive why are you so sharp she is a circle gal and she said well the memory part threw me and I I said memory they test you for that wait why would they what does memory have to do with driving ability I mean you know just because you get lost who cares if you get lost you know as long as you don't hit other people I mean that should be the important thing anyway I said what's the test she said they give you five things and 20 minutes later you got to recall all five things and my wife looked at me and said you're never hanging on your license I said what are you talking about she goes to grocery stores eight minutes from our house I give you three things to remember how many times are you calling me nine minutes later asking me what the three things are and I thought about it I said you know you're right I haven't you know so now I've been studying since July for my cognitive test um when I go to Publix I won't call my wife I won't let her text me I'm bringing home the three things granted times I come home with 20 things hoping to three things are in there I mean we have a lot of butter in our house a lot of butter better fact you have dinner with us we give you a stick for the ride home it's just who doesn't like butter take it with you lard is lard is good so I'm worried about my memory that's my point and I'm up here with no notes because I'm trying to to help with uh that's kind of what the point of that was and I'm worried about it and then I saw an ad on TV for a pill called Prevagen which was a natural pill and I love the commercial some old guy comes out and goes I remember everything now and his wife goes he does I'm telling you man the commercial is that compelling and I was ready to buy the prevage in and then the announcer said that it's the key ingredient comes from the oil of a jellyfish and they looked at Tammy and said do jellyfish have good memories I mean how do they even know that did some kind of lab coat look at the blob swimming in the water and go I wonder if it could help us remember our grocery lists Let's Line the ocean floor with Sudoku and see how the job does I mean it's trivia night at the bar no way I saw six jellyfish go in we'll never beat them in trivia come on the only time you've ever laid eyes on a jellyfish they're on the shore gasping for life because they forgot to go back out with the tide the one thing a jellyfish needs to remember is water they survive and they're sitting there four feet away going oh we're forgetting something Herbie I don't know what it is that's how I know evolution is suspect just suspect after millions of years of dying on the shore four feet from survival you think jellyfish would have evolved feet by now not big human feet just little jellyfish feet so they can kind of catch the water maybe even a jelly roll there you go that's a joke by the way I don't need a three-page email and uh poking holes in my evolutionary theory you know boy needs some help so anyway um I met my wife Tammy people ask you know how do you where we met she was a waitress at a comedy club back in um in the 80s and uh she was a smoker uh and I don't care what anybody says smokers have the best laughs I mean when you cannot get oxygen into your lungs that's that's music to a Comics here so I'm on stage and I hear this beautiful laugh in the back of the room you know and I'm thinking it's a woman she takes me I'm gonna find out who it is and I walk back and I asked for the woman who couldn't breathe and they all knew who it was and uh she was back changing clothes she came out and I don't know which if you remember what your wife was wearing the first time you laid but I'll never forget I mean she was five foot ten uh and after 36 years with me she's now five seven so give you the idea of the burden of living with me it's not three inches off her height but back then it was all legs a short leather skirt white blouse permed here I mean it was the 80s permed here it bumped into her four Dove flew out of her hair I mean I knew it was the one so and I was living in L.A she was living in Ohio and uh I went back to LA and uh my relationships with women prior to that was pretty simple I'd meet him on a Tuesday at a club and we'd spend a week together and then I'd move on and go out and find to the next town and find another one you know and when I got back to California something about her was different she had a two-year-old son she was a single mom she was working two jobs which was impressive to me because I could barely do the one job I had and um uh we started up a relationship and I flew her and a kid out to me uh to meet me in LA in January and I played dad for a week uh and I thought I could do this um and uh I was flying to Ohio to meet up with her on in April on a red eye and uh I had but somewhere over Nebraska I figured I decided I'm going to ask her to marry me I had no ring I had no never even thought a marriage before I just thought well that's a good idea let's let's do that so I'm waiting for the luggage and I say to her I love you Tammy I love Aaron and uh do you want to get married and Tammy looks at me and goes uh pardon me and I said do you want to get married you and I and raise a family together and she said yeah I guess if that's what you want that's how excited she was at the process I'm not kidding you that's it's no different if I said you want to go to McDonald's for breakfast yeah if that's what you want you know you want you want to get married that's how dead we were as people we really were the most life-altering decision a man and woman can make two of them uh either you could decide to get married and raise a family or divorce and in that family these are two life-altering decisions and we were it was as if again we're going to go out to breakfast so anyway that's not what he said we got the luggage and we left and I could tell you she had no idea the baggage she picked up that day that's right alcoholic drug addict and rage freak uh good combination if I if they had dating apps back then that's would have been my profile if I was honest alcoholic drug addict with rage issues looking for a white single female to overlook aforementioned character flaws that would have been my profile you know and we moved to Boston um I wrote a bad check to get into the apartment we had and to give an example the kind of person I was I had to do a show that night I did a show and they tell me you're going to get paid next week I said I can't get paid next week I got to cover the check I just wrote today to get into our apartment and they said well he doesn't pay for a week I said what's his address almost dragged him out of bed and beat him in his front yard to get the check out of him but he paid me and that Christmas that was in the summer of 86 and that Christmas I got a Christmas card which I kept in my desk drawer for years it was addressed to Mr and Mrs psycho uh that's that was that was the nickname they gave me in Boston was Psycho and I wore it with pride I was a raving lunatic and a couple of highlights uh uh well first uh I did my first all-nighter we weren't even married a month I came Walton through the door about 10 30 in the morning my wife was on the phone crying with a club owner because there were no cell phones back then so I couldn't have communicated with her so she thought I was somewhere dead and uh as you can imagine a new bride uh and uh by the way I asked her to marry me in April she got pregnant in May and we got married in July so I went from single and traveling 50 weeks a year to a wife and two kids um and um anyway uh my first all-nighter and then uh I there came a point where I realized I I I'm gonna either have to get rid of the marriage or I'm going to have to get rid of the the booze and drugs I can't keep doing both and as a matter of fact I shared with a friend of mine I was about a year sober and um uh he was he has same issues I had and he had a brand new baby and I said you're going to walk in one night look at that kid in that crib and you're gonna do one of two things you're going to flee or you're going to get the help you need to take care of the responsibilities you have and he was living in Boston and probably two months later I found out he was living in San Francisco so he fled he went as far in the ocean stopped him um I was looking at those kids every night I'd come home drunk and I'd look at those kids and the guilt and the guilt I never had guilt until I got married and had children and responsibility you know I keep reading about how guilt's a bad thing God gave us guilt uh for a reason not shame shame is not good shame says there's something wrong with me which means God made a mistake with you that's not healthy guilt is there's something I'm doing that it basically the defying God's law God's rules and um I was sitting in a room one night drunk I'll give you a couple I um one night I'm leaving the club and I'm going to do some cocaine to get her for the ride home and as I'm bending over in front of the club in my car to do the cocaine as a wrap on the window and I look up and there's a Boston policeman there and he shines the light in and he and he says get out of the car and get out of the car and he radios he said yeah he was doing cocaine so they're coughing me and putting me in a cruiser and um the off-duty policeman who was working the club as security came out to smoke a cigarette and he saw me getting put in a cruiser and he said what what are you doing with him and he said well he was doing cocaine he's going in and the off-duty cop says well let him go he's one of the comedians as if that's a kid out of jail free card you know and it turns out it was because they took the Cuffs off and got me out and the policeman leaned over and he said you have no idea how lucky you are you were looking at three to five the D.A is up for re-election and they love parading white Suburban Boys in front of the camera right before election time you're going down and going down hard and I had a six month old at home uh you know you think that would kind of scary enough to reconsider some of your habits but about four nights later I was so drunk I was I went up the wrong ramp uh to the interstate and I was driving into traffic at two or three in the morning fortunately it was two or three in the morning and I won a lot of cars and I realized that the headlights were coming at me and I somehow managed to back down from where I came and my drive home was normally 35 or 40 minutes it took me three and a half hours to get home because I wound up at Cape Cod I had no idea where I was and driving in that condition uh I think back on the way I drove for years there was a 20-year period I don't think I I drove I was inebriated at certain levels constantly and to not have hurt other people is a it's just Grace I don't know how else to explain it there's no other reason for it but you think that would be one you know but um anyway there was probably a month later and I knew I was I I had to quit I mean it was just constantly in the back of my head again I come home every night I look at what my responsibilities are and they're just overwhelming and um I came home one night and I realized that um I was drinking and trying to figure out where all this guilt was coming from and I realized it started with the marriage so I got to get rid of the marriage I can't I'm done we're not even married a year and I'm done and she's already got she had one kid from another guy and now she's got another kid from another guy and I don't even think about that I don't care I just got to get out of this and I'll send money you know I'm going to take care of my responsibilities financially I just can't handle this I just want to go through what I want to do and I got to figure out how to get out of it I never broke up with a girl in my life because it was too uncomfortable I just fled that's how I ended relationships I just ignored them until the point where they um they stopped calling or they you know they figured it out now you're married you just can't do that and I don't have the courage to ask for a divorce so I in my sickness I decided if I drag my wife out of bed and beat her that she'd have to divorce me because what woman could live with a man that would do that and anyway I worked the courage up to go do that and I'm standing over my wife in that little voice that lives inside all of us that God put in all of us the conscience that we have the Little Voices this is wrong and I'm wrestling with what I want to do what I need to do and that voice and in the process of all of that my six-month-old son starts crying and I got to go quiet him down because he's going to wake her up and I you know you take away the whole plan and I end up spanking him and Tammy wakes up and she runs into the room and she says what are you doing I mean you know I mean my God who beats a six-month-old you know and she takes our son and she walks into the bedroom and sits on the end of bed and she feeds him and he was crying because he was hungry and the shame that had washed over me is something I'd never experienced before I mean I had been arrested I've been drunk tanks I mean but it's all part of the uh drinking life you know it's just what you live with you know but uh this was different and I told my wife if you don't take me to Alcoholics Anonymous I won't go and if I don't go we're not going to make it she took me to a meeting the next day and I walk in and they say pray I said to what and they said find something in the universe larger than yourself you're the reason you're here and I like to think of this as God's Journey not mine because if I had if God had sat me down and said this is where I'm going to put you and your wife through for the next seven or eight years but at the end of that period you're going to know Jesus Christ and you're going to know a piece and a love for each other that you never knew could exist I'd have never signed on God doesn't tell us his plans for that reason but in hindsight I can look back and see his hand in just about everything and for me the journey was about why why I just don't understand why I did what I did why I do what I do why it mattered why anything mattered and if you're in a marriage today that's full of acrimony wait till you get to apathy because the only way you can live with all of that responsibility without the tools to live with it is to shut down and I shut down what my wife had for a husband for seven years or eight years was a shell of a man I wanted to be better I had read all of his self-help books I started with John Bradshaw stuff on family Dynamics I Melody Beatty stuff on codependency I I did all the meetings I did I prayed they told me to pray they gave me the third step prayer God removed me from the bondage of myself so that I might better do thy will taking away my difficulty so that victory over them Others May bear witness to their strength their power and their way of life the Serenity Prayer of God grant me the surrender me to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference I did my 12 steps I did everything I was supposed to do and I was still raging and breaking and slamming and snotty and to the people I love I was civil to the people outside of my home I was not civil to the people I professed to love and I didn't know why that was the question why why why am I like why you know and again I did I went to therapy I did all of that I did I did what I was supposed to do I checked the boxes we like to check boxes in America we really do you know I I had the if you checked the boxes I had a beautiful wife I had kids that were healthy I had a job I loved I loved doing comedy but I was miserable so those boxes didn't matter didn't matter I can find another beautiful person I could get another family I could go that I knew intellectually that wasn't going to be it wasn't going to be a new round of people the problem was in here and it's interesting I just finished the first manuscript on a book called are we there yet and that's really what it was with me I want to be there I want to be done I will I used to tell therapists that when am I done with this in the first therapist I went to said well you right now you make some pretty shitty choices so when you quit making those kind of choices you can be your own therapist and you can get on with wife so I thought that's great that's intellectual I can I can handle that I just got rotten toolbox and I can put new Tools in there and I can function but there was this thing missing inside there was something inside of me and and Tammy couldn't get it I couldn't get her to understand where I was at with my life and and I kept telling her don't you unders don't you ever wonder she goes wonder what why why why we're here the whole point to this and I really this will sound weird but it was my kid's gerbil it really kind of opened my eyes up isn't that strange I mean what God uses to to to to to hit us but I'd watch him gather sticks from one side of the crate and bring him over to the other stack them up and they'd stack them stack them up bring them over and every now and then spin the wheel in the center and Tammy comes in one day and she goes what's with you in the gerbil I go look at it she goes yeah I've seen it I bet but no watch it live sticks gather sticks gather that's our life and I said I sit here and I project the next 10 15 20 years of my life and all I'm gathering is sticks I'm buying things they wear out we take them to the landfill we buy more things they go to the landfill if I'm lucky I get a sitcom or movie deal I make a lot of money we get nicer things nicer sticks but they all wind up in the landfill and our wheel is Vegas or uh Disney or we for entertainment she goes what are you talking about I go if that's my life for the next 15 years I'm out I'm done and she looked at me and said you checked out years ago pal you haven't been here for years she said I've been living alone for years and it was the first time in our entire marriage she unloaded what living with me was like and you want to ask your wife someday no repercussions what has life been like with me for the last 15 20 30 years and just let her unload I was sober enough long enough to hear my wife for the first time and all I could say to her was I'm sorry trying we finally got to a point where we filled out divorce papers had him notarized and we're driving to the courthouse and she changed her mind ten minutes 20 some years ago we filed those papers I lose 25 years with with her and um my life changed when I met a man he was a businessman worth I don't know how many million doing comedy for 100 bucks a week I couldn't figure that out because but at this point I hated my job I would sit on stools and comedy clubs and look at the floor and very funny story I was in a hockey rink doing stand-up comedy and uh I'm sitting on a stool and I mean I can't I can barely get the next joke out and I finally look at the audience it was like a late show on a Friday and I look at them there's like 400 people in this place and I said why are we why are you guys here you know and some woman in the back this little voice goes we just want some jokes [Laughter] I started laughing I go yo that's reasonable you know this is a comedy club and I managed to get through the show but that was I mean I I don't know if anybody knows what it's like to wake up every day of your life and then you think oh this is going to be a good day and within a half hour it just all comes in on you and you and it's just this anxiety and this anxiousness and it's like nothing matters I mean it's again I don't you know and then you I couldn't make enough money to pay the bills and it gets just all this stuff so I meet this guy and now I'm reading name Rand I'm done with self-help and everything and I'm trying to figure out how to maybe if I can make enough money now but you know now we're losing the house Tammy would come to me and she'd say I get the impression you don't care that we're losing everything and I go I don't and she says who says that I go somebody who's being honest with you I said I don't care she goes I don't understand that I said Tammy you think I don't want to care you honestly do you think I don't want to care I look around I got the mortgage I got the kids I got the white it's solely on me financially she's a cocktail waitress she can't make enough so I I but I I just don't care that the house is going away they repossessed my car I don't even know why they sold me the car I had I had no money we were just killing a day we went to a car dealer next thing you know I'm walking out with a brand new Ford Taurus for 40 Grand I go I don't even know how to pay for this so of course six months later she calls me on the road she goes they just repossessed your car your kids are in the driveway crying because they're taking Daddy's car you knew this was coming you cowered you didn't even tell me it was coming she's right I didn't want to have the argument so here I am with this guy golfing and I said how do you accumulate wealth he said you first of all he said to me you don't want a lot of money I go I don't he goes no you don't you can't handle what little you have and he said it would be a burden on you but he said in order to uh to begin to to begin to enjoy the creation ever have a relationship with the one who created it and I said boy that sounds really kind of cool where'd you read it he said it's in the Bible and then uh said something else a couple holes later I said man it's really great what'd you read it he goes it's in the Bible I said stop it with the Bible he goes what do you mean he goes who reads the Bible he goes what are you talking about he goes God God's word that's a little archaic isn't it he goes what's in the Bible you don't think is true I go I don't I never read it I'm an atheist I don't believe in God he said well you're not really an atheist you're a [ __ ] you know and uh and understand this this is the guy that could get me on Augusta National so I wasn't going to punch him I mean you know and we began a friendship that day uh it's interesting how friendships start but that was as and I said what are you talking about and he said well he said there's a couple things one um first of all he said the Bible's the most influential book in the history of the entire planet and he said the entire Western Civilization moral Foundation is built on the foundation of that one particular book and uh it continues to change lives you know uh around the world daily and you can't even crack it open that's moronic you know at least open it study it and then come to your own conclusions but to ignore it is lazy intellectually and moronic and um he said I go to a church in Denton Texas where they teach the Bible and I'd like to help you out with that and um uh signing up for some study tapes so I collected them for about a year and a half and then somewhere in the middle of that um Tammy and I were filled out the divorce papers and we come home and these tapes are coming and anyway there was a summer where she said I'm taking the kids I'm going to Ohio and she gathers up all the tapes anyway I finally decide I'll open one up and in the meantime we had this friendship um a beautiful friendship this loving Christian man we talked about things men talk about and then at the end he'd say how are you and Tammy doing I'm going not too good I really think she's going to bail on me I'm trying Phil but I just can't seem to get it together he said well we pray for your marriage every night at dinner and I go why and he goes well we just like we want to see it work we don't think God ordains puts people together to have them split so it's all right we'll pray for you I said that's fine doesn't matter to me thank you and um anyway my first sermon I ever listened to was in The Book of Ecclesiastes and um I know people laugh at that you know but when I heard meaningless meaningless all in life was meaningless my heart leapt because in one 45-minute sermon on the first chapter of Ecclesiastes this pastor in Texas that I never met summed up my eight year search nothing of this Earth will give you lasting Joy nothing it's temporary and it all winds up in the landfill Solomon's conclusions of chapter one where life without God will have no meaning without meaning there's no purpose without purpose suicide and if you look around our nation today heartbreaks for the young men because I know that I see it in their face at the mall I see it at the airport this glazed over apathy and you know they're waking up every day and going is this all there is is this it is this my next 15 20 years and it was the same with my brother my brother just couldn't get it he couldn't get it he would live on the streets crack cocaine and all of that and I would call him and I'd go bro I want to give you what I have I went to Texas after listening to Bible tapes I absorbed the Bible for three months just absorbed it soaked it in couldn't believe what I was hearing when God flips the switch in your heart for his word it's it's an amazing transformation there was a point where I wanted to run on the lawn and hold up the Bible has anybody read this wow what a book like I was the only one that ever read it you know and uh he said when I met you I I God put it on my heart you were looking for something and I said if Jesus is not who he claimed to be I had done enough Bible study to realize he made some claims and if he's not who he claimed to be then Solomon was right I'm cashing it in so I will get on my knees in faith and say to Jesus I am yours that was 20 some years ago and I'd love to stand here and tell you how what a wonderful human being I am but there's too many golfers here from West Haven that know me and I will tell you what changed the confusion was gone the need to know why is gone I got on my knees and I said to Jesus I said look if comedy is what you want me to do because I'm done then you're going to have to do something with this doors are going to have to open something I can't keep doing what I'm doing I've been given an opportunity that I never thought would be possible the joy that comes that I get from my job it's a it's a hard thing to explain it really is I wish I could give it to anybody who wants it I wish I could just pour it into your heart but Jesus said if you seek and you knock he'll answer so that's the message and uh by the way there is no there are we there yet there is no there This Side of Heaven and um Tammy and I had a fight last night over a drawer that was open that far she goes to clothes and she says I know that last quarter inch is really hard for you to push and I just didn't want to hear it and I had every intention of holding her hugging her and kissing her and that all went away in 12 seconds so I thank you for letting me share all that uh life isn't perfect she started menopause I mean really come on there are nights that I lie in bed and dream about the good old days of PMS foreign you guys have been great thank you so much for letting me share all that thank you Wes God bless you

Channel: NCS Franklin TN

Views: 122,542

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Id: GDeN2dyEWOA

Length: 34min 2sec (2042 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 19 2022