My wife says I under-think. You ever under-think anything? And there's proof of that. I definitely under-think stuff. You're watching a garage sale and realize it's not a garage sale at all, it's just a dude sitting in his garage reading the paper? [LAUGHTER] That's happened to me twice in real life. I didn't even catch on right away. He goes, can I help you? It's like, Nah, I'm just looking. So Campbell look around. You check out your personal stuff for no reason at all. I was a garage sale in my head for a full minute. That is a long minute for the other guy. What did he even think I was doing? Like, it was the most uncommitted home invasion ever? I kind of just wandered in, I'm actually going to browse, see if your stuff's worth going to prison. So have a seat. And then it didn't rob him. How disappointing for him. How embarrassed would you be if people showed up to rob you and then just passed on your junk. Like, I'm not going to jail over this garbage, reinvest. Always doing that. I got caught in a bank robbery in Colorado and I made that awkward. In a bank robbery, you been to Colorado? They don't have air. They have no air in Colorado. No notes, no explanation, no nothing. You just get off the plane, can't breathe. They're like-- [LAUGHTER] So you got to know that to know this. I had to walk to a bank and I asked my front desk clerk where the bank was, and I can't tell you the name of the bank on stage anymore because Bank of America has this thing about laws and slander. She draws me a map because I'm walking and I goes out. Walking distance? She goes, Yeah. So the mhm part of that means if you're a camel. Because I walked for two and a half hours in zero oxygen. And I needed to do a wire transfer of $15 to my friend who's poor like me. Who needed $15. And I don't know if he knows this, but wire transfers cost $15, according to Trevor. There's always a Trevor at the bank. I'm Trevor, and I think $15. OK. Whatever, Trevor. So I turned away from Trevor and I'm standing by the door. And there's a door here and I could see a guy running in with a gun in his hand and a Bill Clinton mask on. I'm not making this up. He had a Bill Clinton mask and a gun and he's running into the bank. And I'm the only one to see him. So naturally I was like, that's a weird way to run into a bank. Because you never think bank robbery. And then a minute later my mind caught up and I'm like, Oh, no. This guy's going to Rob us. So I peed a little bit first. It's a time management issue, they don't let you go during the robbery. I'm not an idiot. [LAUGHTER] Then I turned to everybody and I go, you guys. And they all looked at me, and then I didn't know what else to say. All I could think of is the movies where they say, this is a robbery. But you can't say that if you're in the front because then you're the robber. So I didn't say anything. I froze and I motioned to him. I was like, ha-ha. I pointed at him, I introduced him, I hosted the bank robbery. Give it up for your robber. [LAUGHTER] He came in with a gun at his hand and a Bill Clinton mask on and he goes, everybody on your knees. And nobody laughed but me. [LAUGHTER] Some people in their 20s are like, I don't know what he's talking about. [LAUGHTER] Bill Clinton is known for a lot more than just being Hillary's wife, OK. Just always that awkward dude, man. I wanted to be cool in high school. I thought first day of high school I'm going to change everything, I'm going to turn over a new leaf. So I got a skateboard. I was like, I'm going to skateboard, that might be cool. And first day of high school, I ate it on my skateboard and broke my clavicle bone, which they can't set that bone. They just give you a padded brace that pulls your shoulders back like this. But you only have to wear it for the first eight weeks of high school. My mom was like, we'll put a sweater on you and no one will know. So that was me in a Christmas sweater in August. People are like, what is that? Is that our mascot? What are we? The Christmas trolls? What is that? That's the dude who thinks everything's a garage sale. No cool way. No cool way to beat that. Should have known that wasn't a garage sale. Man, I grew up poor, everything I had was used. Did you grow up poor? Nobody grew up poor chickens in the yard. No chickens. We weren't even that poor, we were poorer than that. We had chicken, we had one chicken. You either have an eggs or chicken. But you're not having both when you have one chicken, that's a logistical issue. And everything we had was used. If you're poor you go to Goodwill and garage sales. And I never even knew board games had instructions. Did you know that? They had instructions before we got them and had to look at the pieces that were left over and figure it out. Family Rules, that's what they called it, Family Rules. And every family had different rules. Don't bring your rules to the sleepover, they don't apply. Hey, man. You want to play Monopoly? Yeah, let's play Monopoly. All right, cool. Take your pants off. Everybody, pants off we're playing Monopoly. Family rules, man. Get the axe and the boiling water. Let's do it. You ever read the instructions to a board game? It's not even close to how you've been playing your whole life. I was like, this isn't a drinking game at all mom, you liar. [LAUGHTER] My mother enjoyed wine until she got busted by her doctors. I am in charge of my mother's health care so I sent her to the doctor complaining of vertigo. And she went to the doctor complaining of vertigo after drinking a box of wine. The doctor was like, ma'am, dizziness is also a symptom of drinking a lot of wine. Have you had alcohol today? Your teeth are purple. It's her 83-year-old answer to that question, no. I've had wine because when you're an 83-year-old lady, wine is no longer alcohol, it's a blood thinner. She read an article about resveratrol and now I'm the idiot. [LAUGHTER] She taught us everything wrong. Did your parents screw up expressions? My mother used to just make up expressions and we didn't know that till later when we were adults we would quote her and look like idiots. Sometimes the early worm eats birds in the sunshine when there's haystacks to be made. So that's how you lose needles. You all right, man? Where did you grow up? My mom said. My favorite was she'd say, it's like I tell you something that just goes in one ear. That's it, never knew there is more to that till I was 30. [LAUGHTER] All those expressions are weird anyway. Have you ever used an expression and wonder where it came from originally? Like how could that have meant what we're really saying? I have a buddy, whenever he sees a big scary guy with like cauliflower ears and stuff he goes, man, I wouldn't want to meet that guy in a dark alley. I'm like, Oh, Yeah. Dark alleys? That's where you going to draw the line on that animal? I wouldn't want to meet him anywhere. If he could beat me up in a dark alley, I'm pretty sure he could pull it off in broad daylight. He's not getting distracted by dandelions in a sunlit prairie, he's knocking me out. You know who I wouldn't want him in the dark alley, a little person with night vision. That'd be terrifying. That's who rules the dark alleys, Google it. [LAUGHTER] Rat's ass, remember that? I don't give a rat's ass. Good, don't. Why do you have a rat's ass? Where did you get a rat's ass? Why do you still have it? They go bad. Did you press it in a book like a dried flower for when you gave a rat's ass. I don't know how they keep. These expressions are weird. Time heals all wounds, anybody believe that? Not if you're a hemophiliac, it doesn't. Everybody gets nervous, are they in here? I don't even know what they look like. I said hemophiliac in Georgia and a guy got mad because he didn't know what the word meant. They broke off into an argument at his table. He's like, I know why this guy don't speak English, hemophilia, I don't even know what he's talking about anymore. I think my cousin's a hemophiliac. Yeah, he told us that Thanksgiving his dad is like ain't no sun a man going to be a hemophiliac. Not my house you hemos in your short shorts and whatnot, I ain't standing for it. And Trump's going to get rid all you hemos anyway. [LAUGHTER] And dew was hemophobic, and that is ignorant. [LAUGHTER] My sister uses the waltzing expression. You can't just waltz right in here, tell me how to live my life. When were people doing that? Were people literally waltzing into each other's houses and talking trash ever? Was that a big problem in the Victorian age or something? It's too many people just mentally dancing into each other's castles these days. Mind we have a look around, this place is a disaster. 123-1231. These grates are hideous and you need a 401(k). Get your life together, I'm dancing. Empty that litter box before I wear a panini. You don't know what I'll do. If you don't put your children in a private school, I will wobble. Who does that? Nobody dances. If that was a human reaction to conflict, there would be regional examples of that expression. It would be different in different places. Like where I was born, in Wisconsin, people be going, you're not going to placket in here and tell me how to run this dairy farm, you just take your clogs and river dance on back over to North Dakota. Right down a knee 5. There you go. And you ain't going to come two stepping into my trailer park. Tell me where I can have a chicken. You just boot scooting boogie the heck out of space 149. [LAUGHTER] Where I used to live in Los Angeles, people being on, you're not to come here into my home, tell me how to raise my children, you can Macarena right out the door. [LAUGHTER] I'm going to take the second of Macarena. Nobody knows it. It's all weird, all those expressions. My mom now wants to be an OnStar operator. She's in her 80s, her neighbor is 60, and is an OnStar operator and she said I'm being OnStar operator she's put the word in for me. I was like, Yeah, well you're the most drunk and sarcastic misspoken woman I've ever talked to on the telephone, you should definitely do that. That'd be an awesome OnStar experience. Wouldn't you pay extra to get your own drunk angry mom on OnStar. I ran out of gas, Oh, really. Didn't you know you're going somewhere. A gas can in the hand is better than when you're hitchhiking in the bushes or whatever. [LAUGHTER] Our parents are weird now, right? I have kids, man. I have kids and I'm a generation between two generations. So I'm taking care of my kids and my parents. At one point I had four diapers, and two of them were my parent's. Yeah, everybody got nervous on the diaper stuff. But you guys are in your 20s, look how beautiful you are. All perfect and shiny. 50 years from now, diapers every one of you. And that's if it works out. That's best case scenario. So my mother and father haven't spoken to each other in 30 years and a year ago they both went into assisted living at the same time. I had to help them because I'm the sibling that takes care of the kid, the parents. So I'm taking care of the parents, and so it's hard. If you've ever done assisted living with an elder family member, then you know it's not easy. It's time consuming, heart wrenching, expensive. For me, times two because they don't talk to each other. So I was holding out hope of the dementia would kick in and they'd lose their memory and I could put them in a two bedroom apartment together and film that as a reality show. You'd binge watch the crazy old parents who don't know how they hate each other show. I don't know how you know my middle name, but I'm going to find out, Oh. Weird now. My father is 83, he thinks computers aren't going to work out. Tell me that. Don't waste your money son, the whole thing's a scam. He printed up an email and sent it to me in the mail. He won't get an email address because that's how they get your information, and then they'll know exactly where you are all the time. I was like, you haven't left the house in seven months, everybody knows exactly where you are all the time. Quit sending me letters with human handwriting on them, it's creepy. [LAUGHTER] Everything's automated now. We have email and the post office at the same time, we're going to have to explain that in four decades to our grandkids. We simultaneously had email in the post office that's going to blow their minds. They'd be like, grandpa, what was paper? It was made from trees. [LAUGHTER] What were trees grandpa? It's not important son. We got oxygen tanks now, screw them we don't need them anymore. You'd write your little letter on a piece of paper and then you'd fold it up and put it inside of another piece of paper that had a little door on it. That was called an envelope. Some people called it an envelope, those people were lunatics. And you take a letter to a dangerous, uncomfortable place called a post office. You'd wait around for hours in the body odor and the lack of eye contact. Till you finally got to talk to an angry misshapen man, who lived with his mother and had an inexpensive haircut. That man would sell you a little sticker you could put on your envelope and you lick it and get cancer, and give it right back to him. That's when they would deliver my letter? No, son. A bunch of stuff happened after that. They'd shove it in a slot in the back wall where there are more angry people from bad families. Those trolls that put it on an airplane, who travel hither and yon across the country, sometimes for weeks till someone finally discovered it was on the wrong aircraft. And that's when they were delivered? No, son. Not yet. That's when they would accidentally deliver it to the neighbor of the person that you sent it to in the first place. The mad man, based on his relationship with his neighbor, would decide whether or not that scumbag was going to get his mail. [LAUGHTER] That was our technology. I don't know how any of my stuff works. Phones, guys to understand your phone at all. I don't know why I lose calls, I don't know why I do it. But I have friends that want to know. I have one friend in particular who always wants to know who had the most bars. Did you have bars? I have bars. You have bars? So I just say something I heard. I'm like, I just switched towers. I've never seen a tower in my life. I don't know what that means. My mother thinks she has to call me first to text me. She waits for me to answer and then begins texting when I answer and I have the phone right by my ear. That's when she hits all the loud beeps and starts texting. It's so painful. And I can't hang up because I have to decipher from the tones because she won't answer my call till I text her back. If I hang up and call back, she's like, I'll wait. My wife thinks I'm living a double life because of my cell phone. I'll explain. If there's a noise in the background at all she goes, it sounds like you're in a wind tunnel. Are you in a wind tunnel? Why am I going to be in a wind tunnel? I don't work for NASA, I'm not testing space shuttle tiles. Hey, you remember that time I said I was in Provo, I was in space. I was in an anti gravity chamber answering my phone. That's ridiculous. So she's just technologically not as smart as me. But generally speaking, my wife's smarter than me and that's kind of normal. I guess women are smarter in some ways, they've done studies. No don't do that. We're not doing that. They've done studies and you can retain detailed information better ladies, but we have what gentlemen, common sense. Right men? Common sense. Look at them not moving a muscle proving it. [LAUGHTER] Common sense tell me to shut up right now. We have big ideas. Guys have big ideas and no details. You leave us alone in the wild long enough, we just kill ourselves by accident. That's why the synergy works. Women have details. You find one you like and you give them enough details to keep them alive. Watch YouTube, there's always a dude on a moped driving off a cliff with like a towel, I can fly. That's just some idiot that a woman is done with now. She let him do that. He ran at Pastor. I just need a big towel. My wife has 143 IQ, that's genius level. I don't compete with that. I've taken two IQ tests online, add them together, couldn't beat her. So I don't even tell her about that. I let her have it and so she gives me information and the synergy works. Like she had a high fever I thought that was uncomfortable. I didn't know the details. She said, this fever is dangerous. You have to keep me cool. If it gets to 105 degrees, I could get brain damage. And I was like, really? How much brain damage are we talking exactly? I don't want to change you three times a day, but I can definitely afford to level the playing field a little bit. Just cook her for a minute, we'll get along better. I'm trying to help us. Cheaper than counseling. I'm not mean, I don't want to overcook her, I want her to understand the commands. She was crying in the car for no reason. That is so scary to a man. An emotion we don't know where it came from. Or more importantly ladies, how long it's going to last? So I thought I caused it, because I'm a man and men are narcissistic. I was like, what did I do? Since I'm the center of your universe, we think we cause all of your emotions ladies. Here's one. If you don't know, we also think we cause all of your pleasure. Isn't that a hoot? It's all happening in the control center. So I was like, what did I do? She goes, it's not all bad you. Just yawned and it made me cry. Don't you ever yawn cry? I was like, no. I either yawn or I cry, but I try not to put them together. Same day she looked at the sun and made her spit all over me for no reason. Such a pretty dinner. I was like, what are you doing now? The sun sneeze. Don't you ever sun sneeze or yawn cry? I was like, no. I do occasionally moon fart on women when they spit on me for no reason, though. Might want to look for that later. You getting Dutch oven tonight. That's how I play it. But I need her because she instinctively parents. She instinctively parents. I do not instinctively parent. My wife, women instinctively parent. Watch a woman when a baby cries. They go toward the sound. Save it, save the baby. Watch a dude. Oh, that's horrible. I'm going to be in the garage, where no one's allowed to bite me or poop on me ever. Those are the rules. So she helps me. She instinctively parents. My generation, we don't have the books. We read all the books, all the parenting books, because they all say different things. There's no book on parenting. There's no one way to do it right. It's like the people in the 70s just burned all the parenting books at a disco and left us hanging, and so we're just experimenting on these kids. My whole generation, we're just experimenting. I tell kids all the time, I'm like, your parents, we don't know what we're doing. We're just trying stuff out on you. Remember the last time you had a time out? You're like, this isn't fair. Probably wasn't, we don't know what we're doing. [LAUGHTER] I took my daughter to a pet store and she was going crazy over the Guinea pigs. I want a Guinea pig. I was like, we have one. It's you, I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to do it right. I want be a good parent, but it's hard. It's really difficult. My son has started swearing, not swear words because we don't use them in the house. Words we taught them you don't say. We taught them you don't say stupid, and you don't say, hate. Because those two words, you create conflict by taking somebody's dignity. We always use those to illustrate that. So to him, stupid and hate are the two worst words in the world. And I put them in a timeout he called me a stupid hate. Both those words are the F word. I know exactly what he said to me. I'm not stupid you little hate, I broke your code. [LAUGHTER] Two days before I came here he called me a stupider. He added an er to stupid. It created effort out of thin air. I was so proud. He's a linguist. He's a genius. I can't even tell the counselors. It's hard being a parent, it's not easy. And the books, they say different stuff. And my wife gave me one big book and said, you read this. And that's what they do, you've got to read one. But there should be a disclaimer that says, hey, idiot, not everything's in this book. Because I just thought if it wasn't in the book it was normal, which is OK. Unless something happens, it's not in the book. Like my daughter had a noise she'd make after she ate her bottle. She'd go, like little squeaky. She did it a lot so I looked it up under s for squeaks in the book, and it wasn't in there. So I nicknamed her squeaks, and I moved on with my life. I showed it to my friends, one of my friends is a nurse. She's like, I don't think that's normal. And it wasn't, she had reflux. That's where you puke a little and you eat it. That's what she'd been doing the whole time, fighting for her life and I'm nicknaming her after the symptoms like an idiot, because it wasn't in a book. [LAUGHTER] So hard. So hard to do it right. I left my son in the car for a couple of minutes when he was six months old, not long enough to hurt him. Plus I have three kids, so I have a couple of extras. You can stop judging. I'll tell you the story and then you'll know why it was my wife's fault. How about that? She wasn't there, but it was her fault. Because she knows my limitations. I don't multitask well. I can do three things, that's my limit, man. And she knows that. Women, you know this, we're more like that. We guys do three things, that's it. That's why you make us list look at the nodding, see You make us lists, I make him list, and then you call us in the middle of the day and you change our list around and you just leave us out in the open lost. That's why there are so many idiots at the mall like, I don't know if she changed my list, did she change your list? You are my last, do you know what I mean? And that's what she did to me. I was going to pick up my daughter at preschool. At the time she was she was three and I was going to pick her up. So I'm driving a car, I got my baby napping, and I'm picking up my daughter. So it's pick up daughter, don't hit other cars, that's a thing. Baby napping. Man, mind is full now, don't call me in the middle of that. And that's what she did. Telling me stuff I already knew. So I got mad at her and that's when it ruined everything. Because I was like, don't tell me how to parent, I'm a good dad. Then I hung up. So now I got is, pick up daughter, don't hit other cars, and mad at wife. So I lost baby napping. Three things fit, and I don't get to pick what goes, OK? So I walk into the preschool and there's all the teachers. They're like, where's that baby? I was like, [SCREAMS] I'm not telling you guys. I grab my daughter, I'm like, I don't know. You ever try to leave a preschool, it's like leaving a prison. There's chain link and checkpoints, and I'm not going to have four-year-olds and straight arming grandmas. Get out of the way of saving lives. [LAUGHTER] And we open the doors and he was fine, I guess. I don't know, he was six months old. So all he ever did was drool and crawl. I think that's what people do after you cook them in a car too long. So I'll never know for sure, and I've never told my wife that. This is our secret and I have lived with that every single day. I watched my son like a hawk, and when he does weird stuff, I got to think it's from that. Like look at these grades, is this from when I cooked him? I don't know. Is this what people do when you cook them? I can't Google it, my wife checks my web history. [LAUGHTER] Try to do it right, but it's hard. It's hard to be a parent. You go on vacations, now you got all that stuff with you. I had to-- Right? Oh, you know. Yeah. I met Simon Cowell. You ever geek out on a celebrity. I've met Simon Cowell, I totally lost it. And I never thought who Simon Cowell is, right? So I was like, man, I would have never thought of him as a big celebrity but then when you meet him, something happens, it was weird. So I got the kids, so we rent an RV and I'm driving to Santa Barbara. And when you rent an RV and you got kids it's $1,000 deposit, and immediately when the kids get in, they start ripping stuff off the walls. And it's 100, here 500 there. You're into it 9,000 before you even get to the first exit. So I'm nervous. And we get to Santa Barbara, and we start walking the dogs, I got to get out and walk around. We're walking the dogs and we see this British guy with little dogs and a woman who he's with, who's his best friend's ex-wife or something like that. Whole deal? Yeah. Like all the women, read about it at Cosmo. This is true. This is a big deal. So my wife knew that. I had no idea. But this woman looked like she had been to a Botox appointment in the morning and then forgot that she had done that. So then she went to another one in the afternoon. [LAUGHTER] And he was like British day drunk. Like, hi as long as I stay upright, everybody will continue partying with me. And they're walking dogs, and our dogs saw their dogs and that's dogs don't care about all that. They're just like where you smell like? Let's do it, smell. So now we're standing there with Simon Cowell and the Botox lady and it was awkward and weird. And I felt nervous because it's Simon Cowell. I just kept saying, you're Simon Cowell. And he was like, I know. And the pro-tax lady said-- She couldn't talk because of the-- So after a little while I was like, I don't want to be in their space anymore. They're famous let's leave them be. I go, hey, we're going to take kids. Let's go, we're going to take off. Nice to meet you. But you know how drunk people don't know where to go, so they just follow whoever they were with last. And plus, it was that awkward thing where you say goodbye to somebody and then you're both going in the same direction. So like we're just walking together with Simon Cowell and Botox lady. and their dogs, and we're just vacationing with Simon Cowell. And so like five minutes later, we get to the parking lot, and we go into our RV and he goes into his stretch phantom limo. Beautiful thing with like a driver that steps out and collects the doggies and prepares the scotch for the Cowell, and seats him gently in the leather. These guys live in a whole other life. And so we go into the RV and I turn to my wife and I'm like, I was beside myself. I'm like, that was Simon Cowell. She goes, so, whatever. I go, no, you don't get it. That guy has had an impact on global culture, and I was in the same place at the same time doing the same thing as him, and that's moving. And she was like, OK, cool. Anyway, the gray water tank needs emptying. And I'm like, all right, life. So I walk out of the RV but I'm still thinking about Simon Cowell, what I should have said. And so I'm distracted and I go to pull the gray water valve, only I pull the one next to it, which is the black water valve, which is turds right in the parking lot. So I shut it right away. Four turds on the parking lot. I'm like just turds, Oh, no. And it's Santa Barbara, you can't leave turds on a parking lot. They'll give you the death penalty. So I ran inside and I got a target bag and I-- I had to pick them up, man. [LAUGHTER] So now I'm picking up turds. Well, I got little kids and they love turds. So they're like, pulling on the blinds, trying to see them ripping them off the wall. And I'm like, wait, I didn't get the deposit. I'm like, quit ripping the plank. So I'm standing there with a handful of my family's turds, yelling at my crazy kids, get off the planks, you animals. And I hear, and I look, and it's Simon Cowell going goodbye new friends. I'm like, we're not doing the same thing at all. [LAUGHTER] It was an illusion, man. She want to, I don't know. I picked a Midwestern woman. I met her in Indiana, I found her in Indiana. Just found her in a cornfield not on a dried up cob. She still eats corn on the cob. She eats corn on the cob, which I can't stand. I don't know if you guys like that stuff, but corn on the cob is ridiculous. I'm sorry, I will not stand by that. That's an archaic food. It comes from a time when we didn't have the technology to get the corn off the cob. Dude, if we could get it off the cob, we're not eating pork on the pig for a reason. Back here. Have you had the Apple in the tree, I broke my arm last week. Certain foods we just take for granted. We buy them once, and then we never buy them again. And once every year, you take a few drops and put it on something, you're like, that's why I don't eat that. Like mustard doesn't have a very good life. It just sits there. Horseradish. Horseradish has the worst business plan of any food on the planet. Could you imagine trying to make a living selling bay leaves, for instance, like once you sell everybody a leaf, it's over. You got to retire. Everybody's got a bay leaf, it's done. Dried beans. Anybody ever cooked dried beans? You don't. You just put them out there so it looks like you can cook and then when your friends go into the living room, then you open a can of beans and prepare dinner. And they go, it's lovely beans. Thank you for the fine dinner. I soak them for three days to get the farts out. Open the can. You opened a can, liar. Skim milk. Anybody drink that crap? Skim milk. That's the dairy industry's answer to the milk hate of the '90s. Remember the milk hate in the '90s when everybody's like, it's bad for you. We're the only animal that drinks the milk of another species. We're also the only animal with thumbs that cooks our food and watches Netflix. Careful, that's a slippery slope, man. [LAUGHTER] 1% is better for you. Well, cook your pork 1%, see how that works out for you. Chicken noses boy. I don't eat any of it because I'm a vegan. Ain't that weird? I'm a vegan. You know what that means? It means that I don't have any friends. That's what that means. [LAUGHTER] They can lift their own body weight. That's a myth, by the way. That's a myth. The other myth is about animals. I could care less. I mean, I have friends that are like, whoa, you love animals so much, you are a married animal. I'm like, it's not about that. It's about health, that's why I do it. For health reasons. OK, you're with me? It's for health reasons. As a matter of fact, animals had less to fear from us when we were eating them, because we only had to kill one to eat for weeks. Now, I'm competing for the same garden, I got to kill all those varmints. If I see a rabbit looking at my carrots, I'll punt his whole family, I don't care. I'm waterboarding the squirrels to find out what time the deers show up. I'm not messing around. That's my garden. [LAUGHTER] I'm an anti animal vegan for the NRA. I don't want to shoot them. Somebody's got to. Load up nugent, take your positions. [LAUGHS] It's got to be good. I got to be a good person for my kids. I want to be a good example. Is this your family, your kids? Ma'am, are you with your kids? - No. - No? They were pointing at you earlier. They're all big? They're all gone? OK. - Nine of them. - Nine of them? You had nine kids? What are you? From Utah? [LAUGHTER] No kidding. - 42 grandkids. - 42 grandkids? - 14 greats. - 14 great grandkids? This is good, right. How do you keep track of everybody? Do you just must always be making birthday cards and stuff and gifts. Do you? - It's on my calendar. - It's on your calendar? It's a written calendar, isn't it? - It's a printed calendar. - It's print. It's carved in stone. Well, baby. [LAUGHTER] How old are you again little feller? I got you. [LAUGHTER] Pokemon, you say? That's fine. [LAUGHTER] I feel bad for dogs because we-- I do feel bad for dogs because we cross breed them for our enjoyment. We do. We have all these funny little, it's the Kickapoo. [LAUGHTER] I once had a half Wiener dog, half retriever. Have you ever seen a dog like that? It's a big dog with little Wiener dog legs. Like a lab that got lowered. When I first saw him he was laying down and then he just started moving. And I was like, he's a hover dog? That's what I want. I want those three hover dogs. I asked the dude. I'm like, how did that even happen? And he goes, anytime take Wiener dog in big dog, and you mate them, that's what you get. Big dog, little legs. I was like, really, you never get that the other way around? Like a little dog with really long legs? I'd have a whole Herd of daddy long dogs. That'd be awesome. [LAUGHTER] Heck, Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I once had to put a dog down. I got him from a no kill rescue, which is also a no truth rescue. Because when I went, I asked how old he was because he had worn down teeth. And they're like, Oh, he's six. I was like, but his teeth are kind of worn down. He's probably just chewing on rocks. I trusted him. I was like, OK. And a year later, he turned 14. You know when a dog turns 14. Because they're like, could you carry my legs? It was overdue and he was like, I got to go, man. So I called the-- I hadn't even been yet, because I hadn't had him that long. I hadn't been to the vet. So I called the vet and I was like, hey, I got to schedule a euthanasia for this old dog. And they were like, OK, cool. Just come on down. I was like, well, we need a schedule, right? He's like, nah, we're open. Come on down. I was like, you should just come on down so you can kill my dog? Can you slow down a little bit? Just come down, we're open right now. Come on out. So I came down there, and I walk in there and they're like, Oh, Yeah. You're the euthanasia, right? Yeah. Oh, just go right in there. And I was thinking I'm going in the lobby, I walk in and it's in the room and the lady comes in she's got a syringe. And I'm like, whoa, what are we doing? She's like, are you ready? I'm like, OK, you haven't even checked to see if this is my dog yet. I've been using that loophole to quiet down the neighborhood, frankly. [LAUGHTER] Mr. Mon, this is your third shih-tzu this week. You must be very sad. Your punch card is almost full, next one is free. [LAUGHTER] So bad for all animals. Chickens, do you ever watch a chicken. Chickens, that's the stupidest animal on the planet. They're scared of everything. What the? [CHICKEN SOUNDS] [LAUGHTER] [CHICKEN SOUNDS CONTINUE] Fear and stupidity is no way to go through life. We have plenty of politicians proving that every day. Chickens heads are stupid, but their bodies are smart. The head doesn't care. The heads like, where do you want me to lay my head? OK, cool. What are you doing with that hatchet? So just right here? OK. And then whack, and the body is like, we ought to get out of here now. Move. There's very little time, get the head, we didn't navigation. I can't see. [LAUGHTER] You guys are fantastic. Man, you guys are fantastic. Let me tell you something. I was at a concert last night and I realized the power that we have like this, and I want to make note of it right now. This is important. You guys all came here at a time in this world when people don't agree ever on anything. And you all agree on one thing. You've laughed together many times tonight, and you're all agreeing at one time on one thing. And that's remarkable. So thank you for coming and doing that. Clap for yourselves. We need it. [CLAPPING] It feels good. I apologize for my haircut. [LAUGHTER] Sad, I was I was diagnosed recently with calyx, if you know what that is. That's where big chunks of hair don't like each other. They're like, forget it, I'm not even standing next to him anymore. He's curly, I'm straight. He's been trying to touch me all day. Get off, I don't like it. Homophobic hair. They call that a calyx. Like a cow licked you and walked away, and ruined your hair forever. Like that makes sense outside of Kansas? [MOOING] The heck was that? That was a cow. They will ruin your hair. Everybody knows that. We're the only country naming our hairdos after farms. We have calyx, ponytails, pigtails, cornrows, goat butts. It's like a big farm party on your head. Somebody in Africa right now going, honey, just put your hair into a hippo nipple so we can go to dinner. Know that crack? Yeah. He speaks that language. How cool would that be to speak kosher. That's like an African language with clicks, man. If I could speak that, I would show up at every bilingual job interview. Like you speak Spanish? Nah. That's what I speak. Gotta hire me, I'm bilingual. It's in the ad. I always thought it'd be cool if one of those guys had a stutter. [CLICKING] [LAUGHTER] Pondo, that is a brutal stutter. The kids keep answering the door. [LAUGHTER] Don't think I'm insensitive to the challenge of a stutter either. My best friend growing up had a severe stutter and he always told me that his worst fear in the world was being pulled over by a police officer because his stutter would make him look nervous. I was like, you should become a police officer, that would make everybody nervous. So here's how karma works. Four years ago, I got pulled over by an actual cop with a stutter in real life. And now like I did hit done with a stutter either. This dude closed his eyes and committed to every syllable. Like when I'm seeing sparks from the Sheriff's Department. Do you know why I pop up. Ma'am. Pulled you over this evening? He looked at me like I was making it weird. I have no idea why you pulled me over. To mess with my head, are you serious? How am I supposed to not giggle and go to prison for the rest of my life? That's not fair. And he's a cop, how dangerous is that? Freedom. Free-free-free-free-free, freedom. Oh, no. A shower on a cake, you freeze out in time. Should have been an unprofessional trumpet player, nobody would have noticed. [LAUGHTER] What if you had a stutter and got pulled over by that cop? That'd be disastrous. Do you know I've pulled you? No. Don't you make fun of me. I meant, not. That's how I talk, how I talk. I didn't do-do-do-do-do. Have to change tapes in the dash cam halfway through. Couldn't fit that on one episode of Cops. That was a Miniseries. [LAUGHTER] Thank you guys for hanging out with us. We had a blast with you. Provo, Utah. I love you.
