Ladies Night At Dry Bar Comedy!

we had the best honeymoon ever we went to the most magical place in the world disney world yay only the women clapped that happens every time why because women are like oh my god disney world it's so like magical oh my gosh disney world that's so fun i love it but here's the thing men hear that they're like oh she's crazy crazy because they're just imagining this guy just being dragged through disney world like what is this i'm not gonna lie my husband loved it he wanted to go he's always wanted to go but he couldn't go by himself he's a straight white man that is the see something you say something about all right you just see a white dude by himself at disney you're like call somebody oh they can they just sell one ticket like that he's reaching in his poc what they don't trust him so we had a great time at disney world just skipping around it was wonderful everything was great you know it is funny because sometimes as an interracial couple i still think like are we going to have any weird moments is anything going to be uncomfortable because i know it's disney but it's still florida you know nothing weird happened everybody's happy everyone's good i did learn a lot about my white husband though i learned something and i'm not gonna lie you know if i had been given an option if he if if there were other models i maybe would have gone a different direction learn me out i still love him but like no one told me you have to reapply sunscreen i didn't know that why are y'all so flammable why doesn't anybody nobody talks about this there's no book know what to expect when you're expecting to marry a white guy it's not it's not on any shelves and if somebody had told me like they're always on fire like you have to don't skip the ears you'll ruin your whole honeymoon if someone had told me that i would have been prepared but i was not and he was just simmering all weekend disney was a lot of fun i got a lot of flack from that for my friends they were like why would you go to disney world it's your honeymoon don't you want to see the world i was like epcot is the world when was the last time you had churros and orange chicken at the same time okay so great there's so many great things to do there my favorite part was um disney's fake africa that was definitely my favorite i think it's actually called animal kingdom but i just like calling it fake africa that's it's a lot of fun it's a really cool park and one thing that actually is great they do like show a lot of respect to the different like the different nations the different nationalities so they have people representing those groups there and everyone's just so welcoming and nice i remember we went into this restaurant and my husband stepped away for a second to go to the bathroom and i checked in by myself and this beautiful man i mean he looked like the guy who plays black panther this beautiful nigerian man was like welcome home queen [Music] and i was like suddenly i'm okay with this queen you say and he's like right this way we'll make sure you're taken care of you know this is a terrible accent please forgive me so he's like right this way we'll make sure you're taken care of and then all of a sudden my husband walks in in his lion king t-shirt with cargo shorts and a sunburn on his bald spot was the table ready now listen t'challa was like it'll be a wait is this your king yeah i've been doing a temp job uh i usually i feel like the past seven years i've been a bartender and uh and i like bartending i like the service industry um i just felt like i was i was getting cranky i was turned into a cranky bartender one of the last nights that i worked i had a guy come in and his money fanned out in his hand and he came up to the bar and he was like i have seven dollars what should i get i was like i don't know a job some financial planning advice perhaps and go buy a banana make a phone call i can't help you here i'm making my living dollar by dollar then i had another guy he used to like give me his tips and he'd make them into little origami things you know i'm talking about like he'd make a tulip or a tuxedo shirt out of one dollar it'd take him like 20 minutes to give me a buck i'm like hey get your prison yards out some crafts off the bar now what am i supposed to do with that i go into dunkin donuts the next day they're like oh that's three dollars i'm like here's two tulips and a tuxedo shirt do you accept this mockery of our currency because this is how i get paid i had another guy he used to love to give me a susan b anthony coins i'm like i feel like susan b anthony coins is like the std of tips you know i'm like i don't want anyone to know i have this uh how am i gonna get rid of it and who the hell was that guy anyway you know it's crazy i haven't been doing i i was doing a temp job and um i'm not so good in the office you know i feel like there's no personal boundaries uh you know i come in with my food and everyone's like oh what'd you bring like it's mine back off and then i actually got in trouble for taking up too much room in the community refrigerator i was like doesn't sound like much of a community to me i'll bring my own refrigerator tomorrow i got in trouble with that at the temp job because i was fresh to my temporary boss and he was always asking me about my food you know i'd peer over my thing oh what's that what's that you're eating i'm like this this here this is a nosy jerk sandwich your mother made it for me move along pal move along you don't like nosy jerks all right [Music] i don't like them either i also i like to ride bikes my husband bought me a bicycle last year for my birthday he's a really sweet guy he said go to the bike store just pick out whichever one you want and that i'll buy that for your birthday so i went to the bike store walked in there this very nice young man named curtis waited on me he's maybe 22 maybe 23 years old young guy he said okay try out your bike go out in the parking lot if you like it come back and tell me so i rode this bike in the parking lot came in i said curtis i like this bike i want to buy this bike but i don't like this bicycle seat it hurts me and he said oh not a problem we can change out the seat so he runs to the back room and he comes back with another seat another really uncomfortable looking seat that looks just like the one i just got off of except this one has a groove down the middle very narrow groove and he said c this one's for girls i said yes curtis this one's for girls young virtuous girls i'm neither young nor virtuous i've created three human beings inside my body and i've pushed them out of the part of my body that's going to be sitting on this bicycle seat so what i'm going to need you to do for me curtis is get me some wide preferably with some sort of soothing gel insert because this part of my body needs a vacation curtis [Applause] and curtis turned bright red and ran away and he came back with the owner of the store who was a guy like my age and the guy says to me curtis says you have a question it's like yes i have a question i like this bike i want to buy this bike i don't like this bicycle seat it hurts me can i get another one he said how many kids do you have and i said three he said i'll be right back he comes back with a holy grail the big soft bicycle seat with a soothing gel insert he says here i think you'll like this seat my wife barbara has this seat i think she's in your walking group it's free it's free take it it's free so i also swim i go to the y to swim and there's a lady that comes to my wives very very inspirational she's in her mid-80s but she swims every day but she's one of those people who comes in the wild locker room who does not think she needs a towel and i just think everybody needs a towel you know they're not heavy get a towel so she came in there and she not too long ago she got her shower came in the locker room no towel we're all in there and she goes over to her locker and she puts on her bra and then she puts on her turtleneck sweater that's got little trees on it then she puts a big turtleneck sweater on top of that cable net and so from the waist up she's completely dressed and from the waist down nothing and then with a room full of women she turned her back and bent over [Music] to her clothing bag this yellow bean tote bag and she's rummaging and rummaging for what we all hoped would be her underpants [Music] and she's rummaging rummaging rummaging and we're looking everywhere except in her direction and finally she said i know i had panties on when i came here because i went to the grocery store first which makes me love her even more because she's an active senior she's inspirational and she's a lady and she knows that ladies do not go to the grocery store commando so i'll leave you guys with this again a reason that my my husband i've been married for 24 years he's a great guy really is um he's helpful when i'm driving he likes to read the speed limit signs and a couple years ago i signed up for a it's a race swimming race in the ocean and you you swim from peaks island maine over to the mainland of portland maine so you're in the ocean for like two and a half miles and they you have to have a kayaker go with you i guess in case a shark attacks you they're there to pick up the body parts i'm not really sure so i said to my husband hey i'm going to sign up for this race will you please be my kayaker he said of course i just have one question can i fish while i'm doing it [Music] i love other women though they're good women i love them my favorite southern woman would have to be my great aunt jackie and jackie is 98 years old and i'm sure every family has some version of her she is as old school southern as you can get like when i first told her that i wanted to be an artist and i want to go to art school she was like well darling why don't you just get married and then you could doodle all day long that's all school sounds right there that's like i know you have dreams but can't you get married first for real one of my greatest joys in life was actually con her up about three years ago i think and i told her that i was officially a full-time artist without the prospect of a man inside and she about had a heart attack um it's true that's actually what i i do that's what i've done for the last three years i'm a i'm a full-time artist um which also means thank you well it also means i have four part-time jobs so four years of college i got a job for each year yeah i did not tell her that bless her heart i love that woman she's great though she's 98. um she currently lives in a memory care center because she suffers from dementia she is oddly sharp as a tech when it's convenient [Music] which i think is suspicious i'm just saying so my mom and i we go to visit her last summer and the nurse takes this to her room and she's like this is jackie's new room isn't it so cozy and jackie stops her and she says cozy coz is just a polite word for small i'm losing my mind not my sense of space she was aware that she was unaware i was like that's jedi right there yeah i started calling her jedi jackie i was like yeah another jj so we're we're talking and um my mom points out her chair and she's like well jackie i love your chair is that new sense last time it is was very pretty where did you get it i don't know but i like it and someone else is missing one that's jedi making tears appear the whole time we're there i noticed this old man walking around room to room and he's chatting up all the older ladies i was like hey jackie who's that guy she said that's vern vern of course his name was vern yeah she said he's still a married man he came here with his wife and it flirts with all the other women of course his wife can't keep track of them because she can't remember she's married to him see that that's what the vows should say not till death do us pot till memory do us thought vern was having the time of his life he was killing it i actually uh ran into him in the cafeteria later and aunt jackie saw us talking and she rolls up in her little wheelchair and she's like vern don't you talk to her you know she's too young for you and i think she's related to me yeah i was like that is love i don't know you but i got you just in case i know you oh and you know i talk about you know i was married for 12 years and and i've recently become a single mom i don't know if there's any single moms here probably at home raising their kids and ah mine are in the car ah i know it was hard i i was hard being a single parent and uh you know and especially because i was married to a comedian so i would like to tell you more about our divorce but we're litigating the punch lines in court right now so um very hard i know but it's hard and like i i definitely don't date but i get asked out sometimes over instagram and stuff and i talk to my 10 year old about it because it's healthy and um so i don't date i have netflix why would i date and so uh some of you remember like i get it i totally get it why would you why would you leave the house but no so i got asked out by a dentist last week and i told lucy i'm like mommy gotta stop my attention she's like you can't marry a dentist mommy and i said why she goes because every halloween would be sugar free and people are like you should get out there you should go dating you should go online now have you guys seen the show making of a murderer have you seen the posters that guy is on eharmony okay i am telling you it is not pretty out there and i'm 40 okay so any guy who wants to date me online is now 89 years old it has a profile it's called see you next tuesday i'm like if you live that long sir okay but then i started thinking about it i'm like does he have a 401k plan i really need to be more open uh started doing shows at senior centers and just seeing who looks like they have a weak heart you know and uh [Music] some of you are laughing at me because it's so sad i don't go home and hug your spouse you're like i love you you know what i'm going to go home and how you have the remote all the microsoft [Music] maybe if i do that someone would ask me out i've never done that at a show before i have money here just take it just take the cash uh nose so they're good it's weird though when your kids have both parents or stand-up comedians like you can wonder what that's like there's a lot of restraining orders and so um you know it's just like the neighbors like you guys rehearsing again but so like my kids are always getting in trouble they're what we like to call spirited children has anyone ever heard that term about your baby there was a spirited baby they're active they're a serial killer waiting to happen and uh you know what about you just want to harness their powers for good not evil and so um like lucy gets in trouble for talking all the time at school and i said loose you got to get a hold of your mouth i struggled with this my whole life she's like geez mom i don't want to end up like you ah oh i know i know well she's grounded for like seven years but uh you should feel sorry well their parents are comedian it is a crazy existence and then i have two kids you know and it's just like so hard and i put my sweet little ruby she's like well she's better than the other one and you know you have one kid that you like better come on you know you like one better it's the one that doesn't talk and it's like you know you don't like your kids equally if you happen to be here with your parents tonight you're the one they like okay let's get that straight figure it out or you're the one they've been neglecting for like 20 years like i'm gonna make it up to you with a night of comedy so i'm married i've been married very long thank you hey i love it you know it's a big decision when he moved in and he's laying next to me i had that thought oh crumb he's here i wonder when he's going to go home [Music] you're kind of stuck with each other that's a big decision he has sleep apnea though every now and then he quits breathing and i'm thinking well that might be my out yeah he's a nice guy i love this guy he's great of course i love him right you know so yeah romance is real important in a relationship on an average day if you've been married for a while let me hear from my married folks who's married in the house tonight oh yeah there we are anybody dating on a date night right now [Applause] oh notice the married people didn't clap along with that listen married people if you get showered and and you put clothes on that are kind of nice call it a date if you're going to the grocery store and you put on good shoes you know whatever call it a date you can date too you can be just as happy as those people on an average day of the married couple been married for a while a man speaks about two thousand words a woman speaks about eight yeah now when you're dating and we heard the exuberance there on the men increase what they say to us 12 000 words during the dating process men speak to us in a day women have to we have to accommodate that we go down to five 12 000 to fine you man oh my goodness you get married two thousand that's right because you're being romantic it's the romantic phase and romance is very important isn't it yes yes i love romance i love romeo and juliet that's one of the most romantic plays even though they die at the end they said some pretty cool stuff to each other the first time romeo well let me let me just backtrack for a second i knew that in my relationship right now the romance was pretty much gonna have to be worked on when i heard this hey kim i just cut one i can't even stand the smell of this one myself you better open up some windows cause it's pretty bad and come in here and smell it because i think i'm sick i'm like i'm not a phardologist i'm not gonna come in there and smell it we're in our 50s and had hot dogs the night before and maybe that's it no romance at that point that's awful romeo so so romeo sees juliet at a party and he says to his friends and it was a mass great party caesar and he says to his friends did my heart love until now i swear for sight i never saw true beauty until this night she comes out on a balcony says but soft what light through yonder window breaks says the east and juliet's the sun my life with this man is more like this romeo romeo where fought thou now romeo i see it thou not yet smell a thou in every chamber for thou dost reek romeo and if romeo were to have that happen i think he would say something like this but soft a wind from down under death break come help me create a gentle breeze from the east for the smell as offensive even unto me ladies and gentlemen the lowest form of comedy is the fart joke the highest form of theatrical performance is shakespeare and they collided in front of you tonight right yeah thank you thank you yeah [Applause] my eight-year-old grandson loves that joke he doesn't know anything about romeo and juliet but hearing grandma say fart is so much fun he's not allowed to say it right now because he overused it i think little boys who are aided that's so fun oh y'all so about my husband all right so my husband is a big man and is six four i'm five eight we breed big kids and um and we wanted them to be in sports and when they were growing up and so we made them do all kinds of mess they didn't want to do and we put our boy when he was little bitty we put him in t-ball he hated it um i don't know if any of y'all had a baby play t-ball but for those of you who don't know t-ball season it's about 110 degrees outside it's little children that are four look like they've got a diaper on under their baseball pants or a pull-up um the games last about three hours [Music] nobody ever hits the ball throws a ball catches the ball makes contact with the ball my baby laid in a fetal position in the outfield the entire season he never touched a ball every once in a while he'd pop his little head up and say water one game it was so hot and i i told the middle one to go out and take her brother water bottle she was about two and a half and she went walking out there with a tutu and a crown and a wand and her pink prostitute shoes from walmart she walked about halfway stopped got a glazed look over her eyes pulled her little panties to the side and pooped in the t-ball she really did so i had to run out there and get a stick and flick it into the woods because i didn't want another child to step in it or think it was a milk done he would not play sports for several years because of that trauma and then ended up playing football and and cross country and a bunch of stuff and still very he likes to mountain bike and hike and do scary things but he likes to come you know out west to do what he likes and he's a fly fisherman can y'all tell i'm in love with him okay okay i feel great and i have the greatest job in the world stand-up comedy i just celebrated 22 years best job in the world 22 years do you know why i've had this job so long because it is easy [Music] i find it only has two rules that work for me be yourself and have a good time and that's what people pay me for things that i was gonna do for free anyway who knew you could make a career of being yourself and having a good time i mean i've been on tv and movies all over the world who knew do you know what's time i wasted on real jobs wasted i could have been being myself and having a good time but no i'm going to spend nine years of my life as a new york state public safety officer at the jacob great javis convention center of new york [Laughter] nine years and those people fired me yeah they did for no reason true story just walked in my office and woke me up and told me to go home that was a great job i was working for the state benefits money it was wonderful the only thing the rules hard ridiculous impossible to follow they wanted me to sit up for midnight until eight o'clock in the morning awake the entire night and watch a locked door do i look like a fool the building is closed i'm closed too what are you talking about [Music] i can't i can't follow ridiculous rules before i worked for the java center i had another job that i wasted time on i love this job i work for this big corporation you might have heard from heard of them they're called um churches for our chicken yeah chicken was delicious the rules to work in there and possible to follow they were ridiculous when the chicken stays under the light too long don't sell it but don't eat it either why not like you're not selling it why can't i have it they said every piece gets counted at the end of the night and then they throw it away you do what you should have put that in the application i would not have taken this job because i like the chicken when it's been under the light extra long it made it even more crispy and good you guys don't know that because they throw it away i was at the company meeting trying to make changes and great suggestions like excuse me hi yeah over here um why can't we eat the chicken and count the bones wouldn't that be the same amount of chicken so yeah they just like you know sit down please okay well thank you every time i went to the bathroom i couldn't save them all but four or five of you come with me i think i mentioned i'm from a big family i'm guessing a couple of you might be from big family a couple of you know what that feels like need the attention i'm not like you know the ninth of 11 children but i was born the fourth of three no pictures of the photo album anybody else they ran out of film they got tired literally no pictures of me in the photo album i was home for christmas like frank bob cindy frank bob cindy where am i my mom's like well you looked a lot like her so i was feeling kind of sorry for myself and my sister's an artist so she drew pictures of me so i could recount my childhood that was nice of her turns out i was a stick baby with three fingers on each hand she wasn't a good artist she couldn't remember how many fingers i had somehow she remembers that lazy eye though one pupil in the middle and one sort of up there there you go sisters are like that she's keep you honest one year she gave me binoculars that were welded crooked that says you can hunt ground squirrel and bird watch at the same time one time and i don't know i this is where i do think that god has a sense of humor because one time i had a car that literally the right headlight was drifting up lefty was right down the road and riding was up there looking at the trees just kind of parked the sound we're there get out i was just reminiscing in my head about a day i had my dad all to myself one fishing trip we went camping down at lake taney como there in missouri hills lake taney como had some trout and my dad took me fishing some reason i had him all to myself and it was a special day you know that feeling if you're in a big family i got my dad all to myself today and we went out there he was doing the fly fishing he was doing the fancy and i had my zebco push button i think i was about six or seven had the push button reel and a can of corn right got my can of corn i think it's illegal but it's okay because i wasn't catching any fish i had a bobber you know hunting for trout with my bobber i would bait my hook you know i was glad it wasn't a worm because compassion and then i would worry i worried about the fish i'm like dad doesn't that hurt them when you catch them and he's like oh little girl don't you worry about these fish they have no nerve endings in their mouth made a note of it you just think about setting the hook and getting them in the net we're gonna have supper tonight so i was out there i was you know casting the bobber would go this way the hook over there and the corn way over there everything's everywhere i just kept trying then i'd get hung up in the brush behind you know with i'm not saying it was the lazy i'm just saying something i have no excuse actually that my dad was having to put down his seltzer he'd splash that down then he would run over and untangle it and throw it out there getting kind of huffy and i'm like oh i'm nervous now i start getting sweaty palms because i want to impress my dad he always rewarded efficiency and intelligence and i was like yes i can do this and so i was trying to get focused on casting and i would get hung up again and i'm nervous and he said look next time you get hung up just pop it like this pop it out pop it out just pop it like i got it dad i'm with you so next time i got hung up man i was like i'm on it i was popping it i was popping it i couldn't get it out he's yelling at me nancy i'm like doing my best [Music] turn around he's got a piece of corn right there he doing with corn on his face there's a keeper my knees were just shaking oh no he turned on his heel he ran back to camp i'm trying to keep slack in the line unbeknownst to me he had cut the line and was running oh my goodness that is a sad true story by the time i got back to camp my mom and he were just like turning up you know donuts you know around the campsite and heading to the doctor and oh i just felt so bad and he came to one comedy show one comedy show that i ever did so i told that story and i had to admit you know i think that scarred me for life and he yelled from the back it scarred me too yeah well yeah i set the hook past the barb i never did get him in the net i do think it's important to still laugh at uncomfortable topics you know like i have a friend who has two hook hands and exactly you can laugh at that it's not because you hate people with hook hands you're just like we didn't think you were gonna say hook hands right that's that wasn't the next word you predicted me to say and the same thing happened when i first met him he shook out his hook and i didn't expect to see a hook so it caught me off guard you know and i didn't know what to do in that moment i didn't know whether to address it not address it hang my jacket on it i didn't i was like i've never been in this situation before so i just sort of panicked you know decided to pretend everything was normal you know just shook the hook said nice to meet you and walked away and then i had a friend who was a comic on the same show and he got the hook and when he got the hook he was like what the hell man what the hell you gotta warn a guy you gotta warn a guy before you just shove your collar in his face and i was like that was the right reaction that's how i wish i had reacted so immediately the guy just looked so at peace like thank goodness somebody's actually acknowledging the reality in front of him you know so we're all so afraid all the time because we're all messed up we all have something right like who's got nothing wrong with them exactly we're all we're all messed up in some way i i get depressed sometimes um i actually just went off my antidepressants which is thank you it's good i'm starting to feel again you know and i thought i would get like a natural remedy for depression so i went to the herbalist you know the woman in whole foods who wears a badge and i told her i was like i just went off my antidepressants and she goes good for you good for you and i was like thank you and she's like do you want to try some cbd oil it's supposed to be good for depression and i was like you know honestly i don't think i need it now i think all i needed was someone to say good for you and now i feel great so now anytime i feel down i just go to aisle three i talk to susan and get some self-esteem then i start to realize that people say the exact same thing when you go on antidepressants is when you go off them so when you go on them people are like good for you for really taking care of your mental health good for you and then you go off them and people are like good for you for being so brave to do this on your own good for you so what i realize is people just don't care they don't care what you're doing yeah i do go to the doctor a lot i have a genetic heart condition called marfan center and it's pretty cool it has physical signs that i will share with you now awareness saves lives so one of the signs is being tall another sign is having like disproportionately big hands so i'll let you guys look at them i know people always want to look at my hands so we'll just get it out of the way it's how big my hand i know you think that's crazy look how big my peace sign is someone just someone just covers their mouth i know i got two of them the other day i went into my friend's house and i went up to his td and i was like you got cable i know it is it's it's you know it is what it is but another sign of marfan syndrome is having scoliosis so i have scoliosis i have a curved spine and growing up i was super self-conscious about it you know and my mom tried to cheer me up she was like well you know what guys love curvy girls yeah i'm so curvy yeah oh my lungs are collapsing [Laughter] another sign of marfan syndrome hold on let me my mouth is so dry and another sign is dry mouth just kidding another sign is being very nearsighted and i am very nearsighted here's how i know that i have very bad vision i went to the doctor to get new contacts when the doctor saw my prescription she was like oh no i was like oh it's not good when a doctor is scared so i asked her like well how bad is my vision and she said well for normal people or normal prescription everyone's normal we're fine i added that part a normal bad is like a negative two negative three that's a lot of people are that prescription pretty bad like a negative seven negative eight uh and she was like your right eye is a negative seventeen i know i was like oh man that's bad i was like well is that the worst you've ever seen and she said no and i was like yeah i was like what's the worst you've ever seen she said negative 19 and i was like boo yeah take that i'm not the worst i'm not the worst i'm jumping around and she goes yeah that's your left eye i know there's a little more to the joke oh my god i didn't see that coming so oh man yeah so paula dean's not so bad after all is she she's the next best thing to the cracker barrel you guys ah my gps can find a crackle barrel anywhere in the country i'm riding along and at the light turn right at the light turn right my little surrey with her british accent you know sometimes it's the french lady she's like mamoselle at the in-house section i'll make a youth down my mosel at the end of section make a u-turn that's in case i'm gonna get the french toast right oh yeah and then i got a southern guy you drive down the road and he's like we're almost there i'm like i got a redneck in my gps i love it he turned down the frontage road and he's not recalculating he's like rethinking rethinking rethinking just so weird modern technology is off the hook are you guys on that iphone 10 galaxy 5000 i don't know are you guys like updated i mean i'm not judging otherwise i mean i'm still talking out of a progreso can ring ring that's me heck my brother has the flip phone anybody here have that one remember it always reminded me of star trek you know those little things that they would have with captain kirk even when his phone rings it's like [Applause] wow that is unbelievable anyways yeah oh modern technology's off the hook i don't think that they'll ever ever have enough what would you say um research in the airline industry for my liking i don't know about you guys think about it you're on your way to the airport they spell it out in big bold letters you're probably gonna die right you know it's like terminal i think they're in cahoots with the insurance companies right sorry about your loss man but there it is in writing sorry sorry anytime i fly i just where it depends it's gotten so bad i just i do i you know one time we sat on the runway for like four hours and i was like oh thank gosh oh goodness gracious i am just i'm so unhappy i'm wearing a depends four hours uh uh uh oh then once i could get off the plane and head to the baggage claim like people laughed at me they had no idea what i'd been through you know i mean really really oh they pointed the finger it was probably because i had the depends being held in by a pair of thong underwear i admit it not the best choice in undergarments i admit it and it's really not my fault you know oh gosh i got one of those mothers that tries to help me out in the romance department she ended up buying me the rawhide bra have you seen that one the one that kind of heads them up moves them out oh yeah she got my sister the bird dog bro that's the one that makes pointers out of setters so yeah oh yeah and the weird thing is my mom doesn't even wear a bra i'm like mother how come you're not wearing a bra she goes i don't wear a bra because it takes the wrinkles out of my neck [Applause] and i i tried to look my best for you all this evening thank you thank you and i always when i get to all dressed up i always say to my husband i say how do i look and he says she'll look fine fine not what i want to hear right ladies what i want to hear is fabulous beautiful thin is this too much to ask wouldn't it be great if your man was like uh you could put a little computer chip into his neck and every time you touch it he'd say all the things you always wanted to hear you touch it and he'd say that diamond is much too small you touch and he'd say i have gas i'm going into the next room you touch it and he'd say i'm lost let's ask for directions of course my husband would think it would be better if he could put a computer chip into my neck you would touch it and i'd say nothing because he he thinks i talk too much he actually it was a little rude what he told me recently he said my voice was irritating sometimes he says to me could you could you stop talking would you hush up could you could you stop could you just cut your hush up why'd y'all just shut up and i just keep talking and my husband uh he says my voice doesn't come in handy all the time but when we lived in hollywood i lived in los angeles i auditioned for the original phone voice of the iphone siri and they told me if i had gotten the part they would have renamed her sorry so but there's lots of stuff to do to keep looking good and i do all of those things because i'm at a certain age where they send you emails about crepe erase like i didn't even know i was this old do you know about crepe race have you looked at the back of your arms no the back of my arms faced the back [Laughter] so there's eye cream right ladies there's face cream there's actually decollete cream which i just started buying it's 135 an ounce has like eye of newt kryptonite and tree horn i don't know what's in it and it sinks so you know it's good don't tell my husband it costs that much somebody's like why do you have a p.o box i'm like so i stay happily married with my online shopping don't have an argument we're in love no creperies so i went to order it was 39 every four minutes i'm fine i'll wear a jacket but there are lots of creams that i do use because i'm a celebrity you guys recognize me sir do you recognize me people like have you been on that show i was like yes cops just kidding it was cheaters but um just kidding so i have to use all these creams now and if you're at a certain age right if you went to first grade during watergate that's all the adults laughing the rest of you are like i could just search it up she said watergate is that a subdivision it's not a subdivision so but i use creams now because there's so many creams that you can use just on your face i have an eye cream uh face cream and i have a decollete cream i don't even know i had a decollete and if you could see it it's right under here it's like butter sir please you're with somebody look away is that decollete or is that fur i don't know it's cold here so i love i love being a homeschool mom i do i finally graduated them i have two boys which are precious and they're awesome two boys my youngest is 18 and my oldest is unemployed well i graduated both out of home school and then my oldest went away to the dream center school of ministry went away to bible school finished that program yeah and now he's back home living on my accounts because they told him there that jesus paid it all [Music] that's what happens when you're reading that bible app [Laughter] but i love it his dad's so patient with him y'all and thank goodness you know one of you in the in in the parenting relationships got to have a little bit more patience than the other and that's my precious husband and it's kind of patient with me too and uh so we've been married for 22 years and we first got married we weren't real compatible yes honey that's a thank you 22 years yeah that's a long time not to smother somebody yeah thank you and so yeah we weren't real compatible at first um well he's the kind of guy that likes sports and i'm the kind of girl that likes naps what else he was catholic and i don't even drink [Laughter] sometimes that one just moves across the room [Music] we're waiting on you sir [Music] but but we finally you know i took him to my church and mine was way different than his okay okay if you know anything about catholicism it was just way different i went to a non-denominational free spirit-filled worship church tiny bit different than catholic and uh he embarrassed the mess out of me y'all when when we first got there he kept staring at this woman on my row the whole time and i was like would you quit staring and he said i can't help it i think she has a question [Laughter] i said baby that's for jesus he said well if he calls on her i'm out of here [Applause] it's been cool i see a lot of stuff when i travel i see a lot of stuff i meet a lot of people like you're all new people to me which is cool i like to meet new people i try to be nice it's hard it's hard to be nice it is you ever waste niceness right you ever wasted like i was at a mall and this guy was uh i opened a door for a guy like we're both walking out and i saw him like right behind me so i opened the door and he walked through and he stopped right outside the other side of the door and started checking his phone so i was like trapped behind him that's a waste of this i only have so many of these left like you can't be nice to everybody because there's too many people out there have you there's something happening right where there's just more dumb people right like you guys have to have noticed like it's not just me right there's something and i don't mean people anything clinically wrong with them i mean people that just do stuff like that that just slow the day down for everyone else right just dum-dums right just free-range morons just out for the day right just cage-free idiots just like yay yeah like let me walk slow in a mall the five of us are gonna walk side by side [Applause] just try getting around right it's true like i was driving i'm on the highway it's 65 on the highway there is a car in the right lane going 45. going 20 miles under i lost it like this is one of those things we have this fantasy right or i just imagine i have a snowplow on the front of my car and i can just edge them off like just like no you don't get to no this is you don't get to drive here right but and like i go to pass the car i want to give a look like i like to look these people in the eye right i look over it's a woman she's not even looking out the windshield she is looking out the driver's side window like this just a whole world of responsibility from the windshield and she's just like i'm out i'm having a day here i think we should have what we should have is we have a city which is dum-dum city where we just send all these people right we just i could name a hundred cities right now just a city we just fence it off put all the dumb people in it let them live their lives right they just have happy lives in a slow city it's fine right like we have a division of the police you can call i can call the police and be like hey there's an idiot and the police come and they throw a sheet over her car right and she falls asleep like a parrot because she would right you don't tell like she gets slightly darker she's like oh sleepy time it just passes out right that's what would happen and the cops just gently take her car and they put they just put it in in dum dum city right they don't hurt her they take the sheet off and she just wakes up and keeps driving it's like a whole different trailer and she's like oh there's trees now and just lives her life she just goes into any house she's like this is my house right like i was at starbucks i'm in line at starbucks it's a long line and they're like 15 minutes there's a guy in front of me he's in line for like 15 minutes and he gets up to the counter and he goes what did i want i could have my hands i was like are you going to strangle him like i couldn't control them i was like no hands no like there's like i couldn't do anything about it because i should be able to call the police and be like hey there's an idiot at starbucks and the police come they throw a sheet over him and he falls asleep and they just take him to dum-dum city take the sheet off at a store and he's at a starbucks there and he's like what did i want and the guy behind the counter is like i don't even work here i fell asleep in a burger king i don't know what happened and then he just starts pressing buttons he just does his order like that's it that's what we need i belong there i'm not going to lie you guys have met me right i'm not the sharpest knife on the porch i get it i don't know what to do my god uh but this is nice folks you come out you have a good time that's what you gotta do you gotta enjoy life you know i i i love my parents to always always be good to your parents even if they're a little nuts because my parents i don't quite understand them they always try like when i was little girl my dad would always say karen be proud of yourself no matter what you do in life always be proud of yourself because no matter what it is there's always going to be some jerk standing there cutting you down that's just how your mother is i know they hate each other i don't know why they're still married i told my mother she wasn't thinking positive so she joined a widows club [Music] they came out to visit me for a month oh yes the people that gave me life came to suck it right back out of me my dad told me he put a drawbridge on his house just turns out he installed the garage door upside down [Music] have you ever tried to take a stroll down memory lane with your parents talking about your childhood and after listening to them for a few minutes you're like were you even there what are you talking about i'm like hey ma do you remember on my 10th birthday when i cracked my head open on a rock and she's like oh i remember a duck got in the car and then my father's like that wasn't a duck that was your uncle andy someone yelled you want a beer he thought they said the aliens are here and yelled they're gonna abduct me everyone duck and that's when the duck got in the car and my dad is so cheap he worries more about money than death he left this message on my answering machine karen your mother and i are going on vacation now if we die on vacation don't fly the bodies home the airlines are going to try and stick it to you with the price you cremate the bodies and you mail them home there's a flat rate priority box your mother will fit into nicely i prefer a bubble envelope so if you don't hear from us for a while and you get something in the mail open it carefully it's either your dead parents or some fudge it will be a surprise and then he wonders why everyone's nervous we're a very nervous family our family crest is a picture of an irritable bowel so the big news at my house right now is that my mother-in-law just moved in with us his mom yeah those crowns are correct she's never liked me uh and i was really i was really nervous and i have to be honest i have been pleasantly surprised uh it's been fine she's she's been quiet she's mostly stayed in her urn and left us alone i'm kidding it's a joke we couldn't afford an urn she's actually in a box inside a crushed velvet bag that says crown royal on it [Music] i do have to get out of here um you guys have been very nice i do wanna uh i was uh sleeping with my husband the other night all right fine he was sleeping i was plodding but the point is i think he was having a nightmare or something his little legs were kicking he was flailing around on his side of the bed like that right like he's being chased right he's running from something scary in a nightmare like a monster or something and i felt bad for him so i reached out and i went gotcha good times his heart stopped for nearly two minutes and then i had to go sleep downstairs [Music] oh not because he was mad because he wet the bed and i didn't have any febreze handy oh my gosh but it was it was cold today it was cold so uh you know we ran down to your local drugstore here and i got a pair of nylons you know because that's a trick you do right sir you wear nylons underneath your pants to keep warm right that's what you do if joe namath can do it so can you right exactly do you know who joan namath is do you have any idea hit your name at this no you're gonna have to go home and google him too famous guy famous guy and you wore nylons underneath this and that's what i said oh and my girlfriend said you know it does it keeps you warm go get a pair of nylons okay well this man knows and maybe a couple other gentlemen know what i'm talking about right but to buy a pair of nylons women what we actually have to do algebra to buy a pair of nylons don't we right because there's a little graph a little chart on the back it's not small medium and large as you know sir go ahead and google this but it's not sml it's not it's a letter abc we actually have to break out our phones and solve for x do we not we do we do we do a little graph a little chart if you're this tall and you weigh this much you have to convert that into a letter size a b or c guess what i'm not on the graph i'm not on the chart i'm six feet tall 150 pounds i could try to be five nine and 135 that last data c that's kind of hanging out there i can try so i brought them home brought them back to the hotel i put you know and women you know we're putting on nylons we're going into battle right we are we sit down and we get them on or stretching them around our shoulders cause they come out of the package this big this big right we gotta make them long and we're working on them and we gotta get our hand we gotta turn our rings around no hang nails no little plates no or wart just stay home just stay up forget it forget it you gotta have a clean hand going in right you know what i'm talking about get that hand in i put on one foot and i put on the other got one thigh going this way one thigh going that way it's work my husband's like you know that's kind of sexy i'm like i'm working here hang on and i get them on and you know so i see right here crunch is right there i'm over at the marriott i'm like i gotta get over to dry bar like an old jewish man in my house i'm like oh yeah i can't i couldn't move i couldn't move my knees were locked knees were locked oh man but it was cold today so i went back and i got queen size hallelujah right queen size that's a free-for-all no graph no chart just a free-for-all you can get whatever size you know what i'm talking about sir right fabulous they're fabulous i love queen size i am wearing them right now crunch is right where it should be i'm very happy very happy i have one problem i have one problem yeah here's the waistband control top can you see the control cap oh my gosh this guy just threw up are you all right are you all right and you're kind of excited i can tell i can tell it just happens look at me i'm wrapped in here like a triple toothpaste i'm not going to poop till tuesday hang up kind of holding me all in and up you know i'm kind of happy about it forget women to forget spanx women just by queen size just get a pair of queen size just do it oh my goodness i didn't know how that was going to go over but you guys are good you guys are good now i'm sad i'm set home run all right there we go oh man so i'm at a stage in my life where i am learning to live and to love i life yes yes yeah i need y'all to clap is somebody depressed in here what's going on hey are you really fun good for you no but i am and and that's because i'm getting older i'm i'm i'm 48 years old you guys yes yes and and and i recognize the difference between 20 and 40s it's not the same it is not the same i i've learned that like in my 20s there was just certain things that i could do when i wanted to how i wanted to and i didn't care there was a lot of things that i disrespected when i was in my 20s like you ever walked down the aisle at the store and you passed those readers in my 20s i was like yeah i don't need those in my 40s i have pairs that match my outfits do you know your eyesight changes automatically when you turn 40 years old like your eyes woke up and was like yeah don't want to see anymore there were things that i could do when i wanted to when i chose to like pee [Laughter] in my 20s i could hold it all day long i'm fine we're going to go no we're fine fine in my 40s i'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa them the pins look a whole lot better now i would have been used them but i'm scared they gonna work i thought you had to use the bathroom ah nah nah nah i'm good [Laughter] relationships are hard i'm serious that's why i said that's why i'm single and i can't do all that work a lot of work trying to look fly and show up on a date starving and sit there with a guy and order an appetizer and you know this dinner is going to cost me fifty dollars like this cost me six hundred bucks just to look this cute guys like i don't know if i wanna be in a relationship you're like look i'm waxing eyebrows and shaving and plucking and you're to be in a relationship whether i like you or not i always see married guys like i don't know why she my wife seems to hate me when did that start like she hated you all along she was proving a point [Laughter] we're evil women are evil a plot to six hours just to ignore you guys for two seconds have all of our friends involved you guys don't even know don't be like a hair behind the toilet we'll find the hair no it's not our hair be like whose is this i'm gonna bag this take it back to the lab it turns into an episode of csi provo we're gonna find out who that woman is that's nuts so we don't support each other remember all those years who say if there was a female president there be no wars we vomited country looks better than us first countries got to go in sweden like sweden lose blondes they're harmless let's take out the philippines philippines don't you want iraq iraq they're covered i'm gonna bomb l.a [Music] you're getting fat the other thing that happens you'll get fat when you get in your 50s you don't even need anything and you get fat i hate it i get up in the morning here's what i do i have i have a piece of fruit because if i had a whole piece of fruit i blow up like a tick so i have a half a piece of fruit and a cup of green tea then i weigh myself then i cry for the next three hours so every day i'm gaining more weight same routine every day half a piece of fruit green tea weigh myself cry and yesterday there was commercial on the television for charter mental hospital for the depression if you don't call charter call somebody so i called pizza hut that fixed everything all up yeah do you go shopping with your girlfriends there cheyenne here in town i used to love doing that when i was young what's your mother-in-law with your mother-in-law she thinks that's a stair i used to love to go to the mall when i was your age i can't go to the mall now go now because you get old they don't let me in those stores they don't i went in that forever 21 store the lady is like oh you got to be kidding me i go well you don't have a forever 55 store wouldn't that be great a forever 55 star right ladies somebody needs to invent one of those you go in all they got is you know like spanx and botox and wine [Music] [Laughter] i went to my first botox party about two weeks ago have you ever been one of those girls i never even heard of it my girlfriend calls up she goes yes we're gonna have botox support he got six seven girlfriends come over we're gonna have some appetizers and some wine spritzes and i'll have a dermatologist there and he'll shoot you up with botox wherever you want the botox so i went to the party obviously i did not have the botox but everybody had a wonderful time they did the one woman was like this is the best party i can't remember when i've laughed this hard uh where are the parents in the room clapping hands or the pants in the room [Applause] it's amazing it's amazing i had friends that had kids the same time i did one kid two parents and complain about how hard it was look i just can't feel bad for you sorry can't feel bad for you because three is harder than one let's start at the beginning breastfeeding right yeah we're outnumbered [Laughter] bedtime routine with one kid it's easy good night mama loves you we're gonna say a prayer we're gonna say a long prayer i'm gonna rub your back till you fall asleep [Music] you're done i'm tired i'm on kid number two i'm like look uh mama loves you so does jesus by kid number three i'm like look did you hear what i said to your brother and sister that birthday parties with one kid birthday parties with one kid is easy what do you got 10 15 kids i got like 200 kids i got to call the city and get permits i got to order porta potties [Music] with one kid you write out the invitations and you put each kid's name on it and you pass it out in the classroom i made a birthday flyer put it on the bulletin board see it or you don't with one kid you get face painters they come out and they paint every kid's faces with some ninja turtles and some rainbows and unicorns i got money for that we use magic markers the washable ones this year [Music] and then at the end of the party you have to give out these gift bags as if to say here's the rest of my money i just gave every kid a fist bump and some laffy taffy [Music] and i'm adopted i was adopted when i was a little baby but now i've been looking for my real parents do i look like anybody you know and the weird thing is that my parents were like 60 when they adopted me y'all 60. i don't even know how they pulled that off oh they got a deal or had a coupon or some kind of senior discount but other kids are making fun of me you know what my daddy got a big promotion this week i'm like yeah well my daddy got successful cataract surgery that's what i'm talking about vision and you know when you're a little kid you copy everything your parents do i was the only little kid who was afraid of breaking a hip for real my p.e linda you gotta do pe what about my hip i can't risk it lady when it came to cereal all my little friends like captain crunch and fruit loops not me i like shredded wheat and not the cute little frosted mini-wheats i'm talking about that big old brick that bale of hay you know what i'm talking about takes like four gallons of milk just to soften that baby i loved it my last name is alvarado which is spanish for single parent three generations strong and growing yeah i'm actually peruana peruvian first generation born in the u.s and the crazy thing is when i tell americans my nationality how many of them are like where's peruvia [Laughter] are you kidding me i'm like it's by ecuadorian good the smart people are laughing very good you guys i'm proud of you the ones that aren't laughing that's who i wrote the joke about that's if you don't get it just go home tonight and study seriously just study your geometry [Music] that will help i was pregnant young yeah i was i mean i'm i'm not the typical latina in my family because i got pregnant in my late teens my mom was like hurry up your little brother's already a grandfather i know [Laughter] i know i hear you so i became a christian when i was four months pregnant yeah i did i'm like i'm not going to be able to do this alone it is too hard it is too hard and i do not recommend it because kids are so curious aren't they they're so curious i remember when my son found his birth certificate he was nine years old and he was so cute he thought his dad was named after a reindeer donner you know like donner blitzen i'm like no baby that says donor that's so cute and i had to have all the hard talks with my son by myself did you know that they now teach sex education to fourth grade children fourth grade so every day he's coming home with a new question for mom he's like mommy where do babies come from why are there twins what's a father and i try to be a good mom you guys i actually read the bible with my son and the only person in the bible that i actually relate to is mary because she was pregnant as a teenager she was pregnant out of wedlock and it was immaculate conception what's so funny and there's this story in the bible like i think that god chooses the right person for the task there's one person and he equips that person and they're great at it because he would not have chosen me to raise the savior of the world i couldn't do it because i'm not patient i'm not that good like if my son was fooling around at bath time i'd be like hey jesus get in the water not on the water stop parting the bath you're splashing your brother okay there is a story in the bible where mary goes with her family to the temple to worship and then they go all the way back home and she realizes that jesus is not with them so she has to get on a donkey and go all the way back three days i wouldn't have been so nice yeah right mom's in here uh-uh i'd be like where were you i was worried sick do you know what he says to his mother he says woman that's when my chancla comes off okay yeah and then he said did you not know that i would be in my father's house wait a minute you found your father that's amazing did you get a child support check because that would be great and my mom says that i should have a good role model for my son and she suggests my brother willie except for he's not the sharpest tool in the shed okay he was babysitting my son one night it's 10 o'clock at night he's in the front yard with a flashlight and a piece of paper in his hand and i go what are you doing he said i'm helping the kid with his homework it says here how many centimeters in a yard [Laughter] he doesn't stop there he goes this is so unfair these centimeters are so fast [Laughter] and i go so what are you gonna write he goes i'm gonna put it depends on the weather because if it's cold there won't be as many um i got some advice anybody uh thinking uh dayton or anything like that i'm gonna be be a little snoopy listen here's my advice i think if you ever have the choice for ladies you should marry an old guy yeah because old guys can do stuff i don't want to hurt anybody's feelings here but young guys what skills are you bringing to the table tim didn't even have a socket set when we got married i was like we're gonna die there's always an accident where you can save your life with a socket set especially if you know metric and i know metric cause in school they said you gotta learn metric this is the way the country's gone so i studied and i studied and and they couldn't ever just give you a straight answer they said okay kids you want to know what uh you want to know what a meter is well you know what a football field looks like don'tcha take that divide by a hundred then go a little bit more and and you know the the kilogram is very easy that that's 2.2 pounds but they couldn't just say it the teachers were like think of a small cat that's right and left brain i was in the ungifted and untalented program but i remembered this small cat and um i'd my mom and i would watch these sunday night movies together there'd always be like a drug deal around these risque sunday night movies and the drug dealer would always say that guy's gonna need a kilo of coke and i turn to my mother and i say mother that is like a small cat of cocaine we're learning it in school he has stayed with me all these years which is amazing considering that i get around with him so much he he had a hard life growing up his daddy told him he needed he went to the dentist and they told him he needed braces and his daddy said we ain't got the money for braces he said you just sit around and while you're watching tv you just push on your teeth he said i'd be sitting there at night and daddy would say push on them teeth boy he said i just he said till i was about 18 i had permanent dents in my finger for pushing on my teeth you never know what he's going to do he went to the holy land a while back and uh while he was in bethlehem he was at the scene where uh they believed jesus was born in a manger and as he was looking he bent down and when he bit down his glasses came off and slid up under it and the man said i'm gonna get these for you don't touch anything so he reached up under and got him for him and he put him back on and he walked around for the rest of the day and he kept saying everything seemed blurred and finally somebody walked up to him and said you're missing a lens out of your glasses so i'm thinking maybe 200 years from now they're gonna do some kind of archaeological dig and find that and say wow they had glasses back in jesus time but um anyway so he had to go without his glasses so he was on the square in marietta georgia where we live and that they had some very small parking places and he tried to pull his big old truck and he don't have the ranger anymore it's got a big truck now so he tried to pull that big old truck into one of those small parking places and could do it and this man said hey there's some bigger parking places right over there and tim said thanks thanks so when he moved his truck when he got out he saw that man again and so he said to that man he said thank you for telling me about these parking places and by the way thank you for your service man looked at him kind of funny and he said i don't know what you're talking about and tim said oh my he said my grandson's a marine now we got a grandson-in-law that's that's in the air force and i just appreciate the military so much thank you for your service and the man said i'm sorry but i still don't know what you're talking about and tim said your hat thank you for your service he said that's the heating and air company i work for tim said thank you for your service we all need heating and hair but he loves me and he says sometimes he'll say you know if anything ever happened to you i'd never get married again i said tell children she wouldn't last a day without a wife he said no seriously seriously if anything happened to you i'd never get married again i said this right here is how you'll pray at my funeral with one eye open look at my replacement he said yeah i probably would he said i'll probably walk over to your casket get a flower and take it to some woman and say would you accept this rose well people are always asking me where i get my material and the truth is i get my material living life you know whatever happens to me good or bad i find the humor in it four and a half years ago i was diagnosed with ovarian cancer i just gone for a routine checkup and um the nurse practitioner was examining me and we were laughing and joking about getting older when all of a sudden she got to my abdomen and all the blood drained out of her face and she said you have a huge mass she said didn't you feel that i said well i knew it didn't matter what i did i couldn't get rid of my stomach but i thought it was just like the middle age spread you know she said that's not fat that is a mass i said well you better check back here because i can't get rid of that either the next week i was in surgery and when my doctor cut me open my right ovary came flying out the size of a cantaloupe my left ovary size of a grapefruit turns out my muffin top is a fruit salad and i travel all the time which means i go through those x-ray machines at airport security a lot don't you think that at some point a tsa agent would have pulled me aside but i don't see a bomb but you're packing a fruit stand lady call your doctor four weeks after that i started chemotherapy and i have to confess you know having been a college athlete i thought i'll breeze right through that and that was the hardest thing i've ever done and on my worst days my friend christy would uh would put on kelly clarkson what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and we would dance now when i say that i danced i mean that i shuffled around the room i certainly don't want to give the impression that i twerked my way through chemo or that i was hooked up to the iv going watch me drip watch me nae nae watch me drip drip watch me now i did not have that in me but cancer really has taught me so much like never order a wig on the internet i ordered the jamie lee curtis pixie and what they sent me made me look like joe pesci for my cousin benny and i see other cancer patients tie scarf around their head and look like a fashion model when i did it people asked me to read their palms and of course the very last hair to fall off my body was gladys my devoted chin hair [Laughter] and when i finished treatment my hair started coming back guess who was first back on the scene cancer's also taught me to live every day as if it's my last of course that upsets my family because every day i call them and say goodbye i'll miss you also learned that chemo brain is real about three months after my last treatment i was on my way out of town and i pulled up to the drive-through of suntrust bank and the teller said how may i help you and i said i need to pick up my prescription and the second it came out of my mouth i realized where i was said i was wondering if you'd run down the wall green so get it for me you're the one always bragging about customer service [Music] that's why love is hard man love is very hard you know i will tell you i was i was in a long-term relationship uh but he didn't um he didn't pop the question yeah instead he asked me how i felt about having an open marriage and i was like well that depends on how you feel about having an open casket i just i didn't i didn't realize how difficult dating was until i saw this documentary about women who are dating men in prison yeah i i don't know what these ladies are thinking like well he may not become a home to me but at least i know where he is they had they had one woman on there who married a serial killer now maybe my standards are a little too high [Laughter] but murder is a deal breaker for me cause here's the thing at some point during our relationship you're gonna feel like killing me i need to know that you can resist that urge [Applause] now when you're when you're dating when you're dating i think it's very important to be careful of your language like i hear women say all the time oh they're no good men out there that's not true i was walking across the street one time i didn't see this car speeding towards me this man he reached out and he pulled me back and he was like i can't let somebody pretty as you get hurt [Laughter] i was like oh man if i was ugly i'd be dead [Music] you know a bad hair day and no makeup he didn't shove me in front of the car i mean that's why i try to dress nice you guys this isn't vanity this is safety [Laughter] does anyone need the time i don't know i actually don't think i have it unfortunately but let's do this hey hey i'm feeling good tonight hope i'm looking good thank you thank you yeah um these are new jeans so where i'm special for you guys they're tight it's a lot they're really tight uh but they are called curvy skinny so spread the word ladies we really can have it all that's right skinny jeans yeah i'm wearing them i regret it already i'm not going to lie okay skinny jeans we all wear them but in a few years i think we're going to regret it you guys people who say they live their life with no regrets have clearly never caught a glimpse of themselves and the walmart security camera when you're walking in in a pair of skinny jeans yeah ninety percent of that footage is people looking up all confident until they see themselves and they scurry away skinny jeans are the acid wash jeans of the 21st century they're gonna make fun of them in flashback scenes and sitcoms our kids are going to look at pictures of us and be like oh my gosh mom you know the same way you did when you saw your mom and those janet jackson shoulder pads you still wear them is that what you just said you are a brave woman [Music] but you know what i bet nobody messes with you you don't even fit through the door it's amazing and we wear our skinny jeans so tight i mean heaven forbid we go up a size and i get circulation in my calves again i mean really and i will get into my skinny jeans you know that move we all do it this move every time we get out of the car we're like only time i ever do a lunge is when i'm trying to get into my skinny jeans and we will fight to get in them we're not going up a size no way we're getting on them we're gonna wrestle them we're gonna get them in and then suddenly you've ripped a belt loop well i guess i have to buy these now a couple of men in the audience i see you acting like you don't know what i'm talking about please men's jeans are getting tighter and tighter we're one season away from girlfriend fit for men and i'm gonna hate him cause they are gonna look better on him than they do on me which is rude okay ladies you ever thought like oh this will be so cute i'm gonna put on my boyfriend or my husband's jeans only to get them caught like right here turns out i'm wider than i thought for a long time i was like i'm only gonna marry someone who has bigger legs than me i was single for a while guys sometimes you just gotta lower the bar you really do it's just the best thing to do uh women are hopeful people though okay women are super hopeful people and here's how i know that all right because every woman i know is hanging on to a pair of jeans that she believes will fit her again someday [Applause] i have those jeans okay 2004 was a good year for me i wore them for about three weeks freshman year of college until i discovered the unlimited soft serve in the cafeteria call it my freshman 15 pounds of froyo a week so it was rough it was rough but it was delicious i see a lot of couples out here tonight yeah oh yeah you guys look romantic yeah let me ask you guys since you're such a romantic group do you guys believe that there's somebody out there for everybody you do oh yeah very me too me too i do i think there's a lid for every pot i do that's right i think that life is just one big puzzle you know and you're just a puzzle piece waiting for your missing piece to click in next to you i think there's someone out there for everybody i mean sometimes you see people and you're like not them [Music] now they'll die alone you know but us there's someone out there for us now i think there's somebody out there for everybody even the dialogues you know and this was a firm for me not too long ago i was in las vegas and i was doing what you do in vegas just walking down the street people judging you know that's what you do people you call it people watching that's not what you do you wish it was yeah people watching i think i've never done it but i think it would be like oh i wonder how old that kid is where'd that man get his shirt i wonder where they're from i've never had thoughts like that no my shop my thoughts are more like that kid should be on a leash he's a fatty she's a harlot [Music] well i was in vegas and i saw i saw this this this couple and uh it they i can't i'm not they were meant to be let's just say that they were meant to be you know just rare and exotic birds that found each other you know it's a man and a woman both of them had ponytails you know both wearing socks and sandals you know there were two double xl people both wearing fitted medium shirts [Music] so there was all kinds of spillage they're both both holding iguanas that's the part that caught me yeah that's otherwise when i just want to be like huh and i was like anybody else anybody and i wanted to know what their love story was you know because they're together obviously and they had a love story you know and so i followed them for a little bit and then after a while i got kind of bored and was like i'll just make it up here's what i think happened they fell in love at the reptile store [Music] well on the lizard food aisle stood a girl named sarah she had a lazy eye and was chewing on her hair she was humming the theme song to deep space nine when a boy with a ponytail caught her good eye he was breathing kind of heavy when he reached for the iguana treats sarah got nervous started staring at her feet ivan said i really like your sandals and your socks sarah said that's nice of you they're crocs then they talked about iguanas and they talked about star wars never thinking they just found love at the reptiles thor [Music] [Applause] [Music] so sarah came over and she brought her iguanas to ivan's little room in the basement at his mama's he showed her his comic books and action figures too then they stayed up late watching doctor who he was breathing kind of heavy when he walked her to the door and a good night kiss turned into something more they both did something they had never done before and that's a story about how two crazy lizard lovers found love at that reptile store [Applause] [Music] um yeah so another thing that's hard when you get older is your parents age it's hard having your parents age my mom's 79 you know my my dad he did pass away a few months ago so that was kind of that's hard when that happens one of the cool things though sounds weird but my dad was in the military so he had a military send off at his funeral have you guys ever seen one of those isn't it the neatest thing i was so proud of my dad i thought that was so cool so hey how about a round of applause for my dad for being an awesome guy [Applause] he was he was a good guy he loved this country so much so um and i want to just round up anybody here in the military too no one is anybody but thank you all for what you do um it was really cool but you know what i i just am not a fan of funerals though i mean that military thing was really cool but the funerals hey they're creepy viewings viewings anybody else just get completely creeped out at a viewing you know you're like expected to walk around and mingle you know and there's a dead guy over there you know it's creepy you know like if he was like on the floor you know with the tape still around him everybody would be like oh my gosh you guys there's a dead guy in here but you put him in a box and everybody's like who wants punch it's creepy people say stupid stuff to you too you know because they just don't know what to say it's awkward you know like i'm looking at my dad and he looks really good huh like he's dead it looks just like him i hope so did a good job yeah are they oh he's in a better place my dad's at target i love target yeah i know i don't know he did some pretty shady things he might be at walmart [Music] [Applause] that was fun anyway but when am i i i don't want a funeral when my husband and i both agreed when the time comes just minimal i'm just i mean i don't care what you do with me you know cremate me you know uh have played a nachos say hey she was great flush me down the toilet i don't care just i don't care i really don't you know but they have this thing i don't know if you've you've heard of this that if you get cremated they take your ashes and they kind of like melt it down somehow and they make a diamond out of it have you seen that you're all excited about it i can't wait until my doctor anyway but then they make a diamond out of it you know it's weird just like did he go to jared no that is jared [Applause] you see here i am now i'm a female right so i'm sitting here thinking like how big is that diamond gonna be i you know because some of us have a little bit more ash than others you know what i'm saying i'm already worried you know my grandkids are going to be we're sporting a little ring on you know people are going to look at it go oh she was a large woman i don't want to be like a cubic ton zirconia [Laughter] kids are great i'm glad i found my guy like i said we're very different only the only one thing that did did work out for us that was in common is i'm a very tall girl so when i was dating that was kind of tough i i'm very tall doing any tall ladies in the crowd any tall ladies yay how tall are you oh we got a bunch of them how tall five five nine very nice and you 11. you're my kind of girl is this your guy right here is he taller than you yeah you probably checked that out first didn't you i know see now for me i always dated guys for their height rather than their wealth you know be i know because i wasn't thinking and uh now that i look back oh i would love a short little rich man anyways actually i never cared i never cared i did a short guy i don't care i would date a short guy he's very hollywood it's very very uh attractive if he's confident i'm okay with it but some short guys get angry around tall women did you ever notice that yeah like we stole their height like we had anything to do with it but they get mad did you get this growing up i always got this stupid stuff like in high school this guy would be hey what's the weather like up there every day every day hey what's the weather like up there it was weather like up there one day i snapped i go it's raining you know [Applause] [Music] i always got those things i was in a nightclub once i went hey do you play basketball i'm like no do you play miniature golf [Applause] [Music] and you shouldn't get upset about that you shouldn't get upset about it you just live with what you have and you use your sense of humor to get through it i learned how to get through my height right like i wanted to be i wasn't used to being tall but i didn't want to slouch so i never wanted poor posture but i did uh do the the hip stance i don't know if you ever did that because here like 5 10 right look at five seven five ten five seven actually worked out really really good until one time i was at a party and this guy starts walking towards me and i didn't realize how short he was until he got closer and i was like oh man he is close he is short at wow he is oh i oh wow really oh man what's up and he's like wow are you a model i thought i was a model i'm like no are you minnie me and uh but he was so nice he still asked me to dance so i didn't want him to notice so i was doing all my cool moves slow dancing was weird hello [Laughter] doesn't matter how old or ugly a man is famous or wealthy he will get a hot chick to the day he dies he can even be a skill like a little off a little sloppily lopsided a crooked critter like the singer lyle love it you look at lyle lovingly what happened to him it looks like he fell off a ferris wheel like oh oh poor guy i hope he's okay not my point my point is and please hear me out cause i am a daffodil i am all about love hear me out you have to because no hear me out i have a point to this my point isn't lyle love my point is stephen hawking hear me up stephen hawking god rest his soul was supposedly the smartest man in the world yes he was an astrophysicist he discovered black holes i mean so he said i've never seen one anybody ever see one anybody wake up i go whoa steven's been at work again no no and think about it where's the quality control if he was the smartest man in the world who was checking his work you see this whole thing was a ruse that's not my point my point is and i'm just describing him stephen hawking could not move from his head to his toes he blew through straws and went through a computer and that's how he communicated i am not being mean i just described him yes okay couldn't move head to toes blew through straws went through a computer are you ready for this stephen hawking left his wife for another woman okay i don't think all of you were getting this the man couldn't move and he left his wife men who can't move are leaving women let me tell you something you want to leave me you better be able to move and you better move freaking fast come on do you realize he literally blew her off it's terrible it's just so hurtful

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,758,791

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Ladies Night, Ladies Night Dry Bar Comedy, Ladies Night Comedy, Ladies Night Comedians, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2022, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, JJ Barrows, Mary Mack, Female Comedy, Female Comedians, Karen Morgan, Funniest women

Id: RwL_Jz-otEU

Length: 114min 21sec (6861 seconds)

Published: Sat May 28 2022