Praise the world, a lot smells. Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. What? It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could. And she is going to be okay. What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that? So she's really going to be fine. Yes, she has a slight pelvic fracture, but people have survived far worse. Thank God you were there. Yeah. Did you see who did it? No need. We can just check the security tapes. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her. Who was driving. Oh, Michael. One day, Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then. It smells good. It tastes good, too. Oh, Donald, that's disgusting. Wow. A lot of calories. Well, just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging, please. Oh, yeah, That's nice. Scream it out. Scream it out. Scream it. Out. Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision. Just keep pushing. Hold me. I'm right here. Cradle my head I'm right here. I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming. Oh, just push and breathe. Numb me up. I want anesthesia. No, you can't have it. It's too late. No, I don't want natural. You have to just push it out. Okay? Keep simulating. Okay. Do you have the Sharpie? Keep simulating. Do you have the Sharpie? Yes, I do. Okay. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you can recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy. Okay. Ready? Yes. Whoo God. Wow. What was on that? Butter? Newborns are slippery. Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again. This is going to be the happiest day of my life. Michael, are you okay? Did you throw up in there? No, I'm just pooping. You know how I be. It smells like throw up in here. Crazy world. A lot of smells. Where do we go folks? Use a wok to cover the mouth. What? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Oh, my God. That's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points? Exit points. Oscar! What's next, huh? Stay alive. I'm getting help. Pull me up. You're too heavy. I only weigh 82 pounds. Save Bandit. How about 911? Anyone? Michael. Hey, David. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm eating tiramisu. The chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now. This is why you're calling me. No, no, no, no, no, no. I am calling. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm calling because we have a stupid budget surplus, and people. Everybody wants something different. You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue? No, no, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy. Well, if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus. The what now? Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings. Like a tip. $645. I hate disappointing just one person and I really hate disappointing everyone, but I love Burlington Coat Factory. Really? It wasn't me. I'm not going. Down for this. Yeah, I want to go home. Get the keys out of my purse. Start the car. He's a dear. Thank you, hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do. Oh. Don't worry about it, Dwight. It's okay. You were wrong. It's so hot. Oh. Oh. Aah! Oh. You know, A for effort. Right. Insert it in my mouth. Okay. That's not going to make your pizza eating experience any better. Trust me. Try me. Jim, Just don't think of it as degrading. Think of it as. You happen to be moving the pizza six inches this way, and he happens to be biting it. I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading. Okay. Crust first. Now the beer. Beer me Jim. Gentle. Hello. Oh, I'm so busted. Walk of shame. Do you usually leave your door unlocked and ajar? Oh. Nice. I got a dundie nomination. That's right. No big resolutions, Meredith. All right, well, we should head out. No, no, no. You gotta stay. No, no, no. I have Vienna sausages, and I have napkins. Let me fix your breakfast. I'm not going in there. I manage my department and I've been doing that for several years now. And God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way. Your department's just you, right? Yes, Jim. But I am not easy to manage. Great. Can we just. What was that? We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today. So. Am I not a serious candidate? What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from England. Are we all just going to pretend to. Okay. What are your weaknesses? I don't have any a**hole. Oh, Pam, Soda, Caffeine? Yeah, just a little. I have a lot to deal with today. Well, if you don't have to do them. Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant. Okay. No. Oh, My resolution was to get more attention. Wish us luck. Thank you. Dwight. Oh, all done. Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important event that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today. I don't know. Oh, that's not yours. Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice? What's a seven letter word for purse? Satchel? No. Starts with an H. Handbag. Thank you. All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter is up 8,000% in sales. Hold up. That clock is slow. It is 5:00. I will see you all tomorrow. Bye, Stanley. Love you. So long, Stanley. Goodnight, everybody. I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be. Oh, no. No, it's fine, Kelly. It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her. That's okay.
I don't want you to do that. All right? The DM Express is pulling out. All right. Well, it's. Really nice to meet you, Brian. Ah, it's actually Ryan. Oh, Ryan. B****. Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username and I have a great one little kid lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at. Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato. Hey, Creed. Hey, hey. Hey. Hello. There you go. I basically do everything for her. I run errands. I do chores around the house. I cook and clean. Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me. When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer. Shallow and deep end. He does it all. Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene. I have to talk. To my old boss, Andy, and tell him I'm staying in Florida. Oh. What kind of tea is this? Oh, I boiled some Gatorade. What? Phyllis is masturbating in the office right now as we speak. Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her? He can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. Doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it. No. How do you propose? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why is Phyllis so aroused? She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Well, there you go. That's muy caliente. Okay. You are useless. I'll take care of this. What the hell? It's okay, guys. She's no longer horny. Excuse me, Dirty birdy. What? You can have this back at the end of the day. Okay? Roll call. My name is Pam. I like to. Paint. You think you're better? Yeah. Oh, no, you ain't. Roll call. Shabooyah. Yeah. Yeah. Shabooya. Roll call. Shabooya. Yeah. Yeah. Shabooya. Roll call. My name. Is Kevin. Yeah, that is my name. Yeah, they call me Kevin. Yeah, because that's my name. Roll call Shabooya. Yeah, yeah. Shabooya. Roll call. Shabooya. Yeah, yeah. Shabooya. Roll call. Dwight, What a ridiculous fancy clown you are. I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My Aunt Shirley has died. Oh, Dwight, I'm so sorry. Were you guys close? I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother. My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt. My condolences. Keep them. Okay. Now what have we got in these two pails? In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red fertile dirt in your face, or I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil. What color is it? It looks pretty black. Yep. Acidic. All right. Oh, thank God. Excuse me. I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. It's just I have a personal training session, okay? That's just. I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should have kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch. I'm sure. I'm sure she's in a better place. I really hope so. Okay, Now, this is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball. I miss her so much. Okay. You know.
