The Office | Every Cold Open (Season 3 Part 1)

yeah i'm not a temp anymore i got jim's uh old job which means that my 10 year high school reunion it will not say ryan howard's attempt it will say ryan howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm that'll show him so you have no idea how long i wanted to do that me too i think we're just drunk no i'm not wrong are you drunk no jim you're really gonna marry him okay jim is gone he's gone i miss him so much oh i cried myself to sleep jim false i do not miss him pam yeah did you see oprah yesterday no i didn't i uh i'm going to be a father what was oprah about angelina jolie was on and she adopted a baby from asia and she said that it changed her life and that really inspired me so i want you to look in to see how much a little chinese baby would cost that's a really big decision i know maybe you should wait before you adopt well or not adopt just do it okay roy's sister looked into it and the application alone cost a thousand dollars um well find out if there's a cheaper less expensive baby out there okay you know she also said the waiting list is like eight months eight months yeah i don't even know if i want a baby in eight months probably won't you don't want pam if in 10 years i haven't had a baby and you haven't had a baby no michael 20 years no michael 30. sure it's a deal hey ryan can i get you a pencil from the warehouse uh no thanks i'm good well it's okay i'm going down um oh yeah absolutely all right i'll be right back [Applause] you're welcome michael can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse don't mind if i do see in a minute okay there you go fresh from the warehouse hey michael would you get me some coffee from the warehouse there's coffee in the kitchen but the warehouse coffee tastes so much better yes it's better oh it's great all right okay i'm like bette midler and for the boys i'm gonna keep troops entertained with cream and sugar all right brain teaser i have two coins totaling 15 cents one of them is not a nickel what are they a diamond a nickel no i said one of them is not a nickel but the other one is i've heard that before okay a man and a son get into a car accident they are rushed to the hospital the doctor says there's no way i can operate on this boy because he's my son the doctor is the boy's mother a man is found hanging from the ceiling he stepped on a block of ice hung himself in the ice melted hunter it's a polar bear because you're at the north pole there you go nice dress ryan it's not a dress it's a kurta okay tonight one of our most ethnic co-workers kelly has invited us all to a diwali celebration put on by her community what is diwali you may ask well to have kelly explain it it's i have blah blah blah it's so super fun and it's gonna be good a lot of gods with unpronounceable names 20 minutes later you find out that is essentially a hindu halloween you look so handsome you really do i love the material i know how come you didn't get me one hey hey hey who are you faxing so early in the morning oh um kind of hard to explain i don't have a ton of contact with the scranton branch but before i left i took a box of dwight's stationery so from time to time i send white faxes from himself from the future dwight at 8 a.m today someone poisons the coffee do not drink the coffee more instructions will follow cordially future dwight you'll thank me later the stanford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff andy bernard made these tasteful hats that's the other thing you have to watch out yo tuna i want to talk to you about this new boss michael scott yeah so what's he like likes dislikes favorite sports favorite movies favorite men's magazines you know what i think you just need to meet him playing your car it's close to the vest i get it good luck over there tuna cross me and i will destroy you sounds good andy this is going to be an adventure yes this is going to be very interesting all right i'm out of here see you later is that josh's computer what hey hey how'd the run go oh pretty good i finished that's great why is that great because he accomplished something what was your mile time about seven i could beat that on a skateboard well that has wheels yeah well my feet don't and i could still crush that time really dwight how fast are you let's just put it this way last weekend i outran a black pepper snake really i am fast to give you a reference point i'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose and a panther man what is taking toby so long oh i'll just time him later and you'll compare the times yeah are you ready now my questions are really am i being mean to dwight i don't know i did just make him run around the building and i have no intention of timing him this isn't even a stopwatch it's a digital thermometer he does make my life harder sometimes and on purpose like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company hey three more laps to go you gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat toby i should probably get back to work oh she's absolutely adorable he oh sorry he's he's dressed all in pink that's his favorite color oh that's fun for him oh wow look at that how cute thank you oh may i uh sure hey look at me i'm a baby i'm one of those babies from look who's talking what am i thinking look at all those staplers what's a stapler i don't even know i'm a baby hey mom i'm thirsty i'm thirsty mama i want some milk and you know where milk comes from breasts merry christmas no why why did you bring that here don't worry she's dead oh wait he's dead why what i accidentally ran over it it's a christmas miracle well get it out of here relax okay and because this is christmas i am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen merry christmas dwight jim wow what do we got here what does it look like dead goose and circle gets the square all right so can you watch this i'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk uh do i we talked about this no toby this is different he's already dead once i brought in a duck to prepare for lunch and people got upset apparently they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed he was already dead and we shruts use every part of the goose the meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor plus you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease wow win-win exactly thank you jim i like goose and it's already dead is it so crazy if we eat it that's crazy it's crazy no dwight you cannot keep that here okay that is ridiculous and totally against the spirit of christmas come on dwight we went over this life for a half an hour it's christmas toby it's a dead animal in an office toby i'm sorry please please clean it in your car i would like it off my desk oh pam took a chill pill all right let's get started um oh first off we're supposed to be pushing card stock this week so let's push card stock this week uh also what is this tape recorder for what for recording michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts okay uh karen any news from that law firm yeah the deal closed yesterday it's a six month commitment oh my god dwight what are you doing what you're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office i'm not why you know what just back off okay that's making me uncomfortable this is sexual harassment by the way oh my god he's got a knife i do not have a knife no let the record show that dwight k schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to stanley's neck let the record show that jim halpert is a liar boy true is now wearing a baby's bonnet i am not oh dude carrie just walked in dwight get his autograph from michigan carrie did not just walk in okay why what is that on your stomach is that a muppet baby's tattoo oh my god karen you're right that is animal from the muppet you can't see my stuff i am now chopping off phyllis's head with a chainsaw ringing jim could you come in here please hi jim hello i am harvey a computer gym sucks oh wow that's so rude i'm sorry i can't control him yeah he can you know i get pam for this pam pam you look very hot today pam meet harvey this is michael's new friend great me so horny me love you long tim oh whoa oh that is gross who's long tim damn it long time me loboy long time oh well you should bring long tim in one day nope i'd love to meet mom yeah right yeah you ruined a funny joke you get out of my office okay bye harvey boobs you

Channel: Peacock

Views: 3,022,568

Keywords: peacock, peacock tv, peacock streaming service

Id: JaD--kR-_8I

Length: 14min 36sec (876 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 20 2021