Q has lost tonight's episode. Sal: That's right, and today
we're at New York Cake, and there is a cake-decorating
contest being held here. You'll be posing
as a judge and slightly ruining
the contestants' cakes. -That's right.
-A slight ruin. A slight ruin. Welcome to the New York
Cake Academy Challenge. Joe: This is a serious
cake-decorating contest here. They've been given one hour
to decorate these cakes. Murr: These contestants are
competing for 500 bucks and entry into the biggest cake
competition in New York City. And they're being judged
by the man who knows cakes, Brian "Q" Quinn. Start judgin'. Ooh, hello. What do you
have here? This is lovely. The theme of this contest
is "New York City," and she's crushed it. Speaking of crushing it... [ Laughter ] I just got to do
one last -- one last... The old, uh...
Let me just give a little... -Don't.
-Oh, no, Q. -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-Ohh. -[ Laughs ]
-Mmm! Great work. Mmm! Sal: This is
so uncomfortable. -Look at her face.
-All right, Q, move on. Oh, what do we have --
What do we have here? Oh, I love that show.
I'm so Samantha. [ Laughter ] I'm gonna need you to pull off
the "Sex" and the "City." Just those words, please. Let me just, uh --
This is just the old... -Ohh!
-"City" is gone! Sal: Look at her face, look at
her face, look at her face! Murr: Oh, no! Q, I want the word "Sex"
off that cake. This is a family show. So, we'll just go back in
and get that. -Excellent job.
-Thank you. -Very good work.
-Oh! You jerk! Joe: Oh, this is
[Bleep] brutal. Oh, I cannot take that. Murr: All right, Q,
move on. Oh. Hi. I'm Brian.
I'm the judge. -Hi, Brian.
-Wow! Q, I need you to take
a bite out of the apple. [ Laughter ] The only thing is, you know,
how does it taste? If it was... Murr: Oh, my God! Joe: No. Don't.
Don't do it. Don't. [ Laughter ] Yes! -You like it?
-Amazing. I love it. [ Laughter ] Joe:
Keep it moving, judge. Sal: Dude, can you put your
finger in, and you spin the cake and just wipe out
the entire thing, 360? Q:
This is fantastic work. I'm just gonna do
a little test that I do. [ Woman gasps ] [ Laughter ] Murr:
Oh, no! Q! Ohh... Q: Delicious. Top marks, top marks.
Move on. Top marks. Mmm! Murr: Ohh. God. Q: This is insane. Joe: Word is spreading
like wildfire that you've ruined cakes,
by the way, and that plays perfectly
for what we have in store. All right, Q, the thing is
you're not a judge. You're a contestant. -Table 5 is your cake.
-Yes! [ Laughter ] Q: Mother [Bleep]. Peel off that "Hello.
My Name is Judge" sticker
that we gave you. We're gonna bring out
the real judges now. What happened here? No. We're the judges. But he had a thing
that said "judge." Joe: She just
ratted you right out. Man: The apple's
been redone? Oh, my God.
I just heard her say "apple." Joe: Panic's setting in.
Look at you. -"Someone just ruined my cake."
-Oh, boy. Sal: Q looks like he's
going through a trauma. Besides the touch-ups,
almost perfect. -Murr: Oh, no.
-She's stunned. Woman: Say no more.
It's literally perfect. Seriously.
[ Loud applause ] Q: Okay, yeah.
Don't do that, guys. [ Laughter ] Joe:
She just put it together! -Wow.
-Look. She stepped out to watch. Stop clapping. Okay.
Please stop clapping. All the contestants. -Okay. Great.
-Group picture. Tell everybody "good luck." Best of luck. -I ate your sex?
-"You ate my sex"! [ Laughter ] What a bizarre
statement! Sal: She said that
so serious! Good luck, good luck.
Best of luck. [ Laughter ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ] All right. Happy day.
Sal's today's big loser. Yeah, so, today we've invaded
the coworking space Jointure, and you'll be playing
a delivery guy. It's lunchtime, buddy.
Uh-huh. You're gonna be delivering
people's lunches. Gratuity is not included, and no tip you get's
gonna be good enough. -So...
-I have to tell them that. -Yeah.
-All right. I have experience as a delivery
person, but not as an asshole. [ Laughter ] -It's delivery time.
-There he is. Hi.
I'm the delivery guy. I have a vest,
bicycle helmet, hat. I have the cut-off gloves. Joe: All right, Sal,
so, everybody's lunches are in this big bag here. You're gonna go one by one
and deliver the lunches. -That's it.
-The tip is not enough. No matter what it is. -Here we go!
-Picking up for...? -Uh, Pat.
-Yes, yes, yes. He's young. He's not
going to tip well, Sal. Pat. Here you go.
Appreciate that. -Uh...
-Okay. Uh... It's just... The gratuity.
This is gratuity, then? Oh, so this --
this is a tip? -Oh, I understand.
-"Is there more?" And it's all here,
the tip? -Yeah.
-Count it, Sal. Count it. One, two... -"I'm glad you said it."
-I'm glad you said it. I -- I -- It depends
on the decade. It's, uh... -Ohh!
-Ohh! -Hey, what's up?
-Oh, it's a double-header. -Uh, this is Francesco.
-Yep. -And then Emily.
-Thank you. Joe: "So, gratuity
was not included." And then -- So, gratuity
was not included. -Oh.
-Go. Let's just, uh --
Oh, thank you s-- -Whoa, whoa.
-Ohh! Oh. Okay. Yeah.
Thank you. So this is -- okay. [ Laughter ] Start bad-mouthing
the tip you got from her. She only hit me with two.
[ Chuckles ] -$2?
-She hit me with the two. How much do I --
I mean, here. -$5?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -"Three better than her."
-Thank you. Three better
than she did. -Hey. Let's do it.
-Ohh! -Keep it going, Sal!
-Thank you! Thank you! Get another dollar bill!
Get that other dollar bill! -"Looks like you can do seven."
-Yeah. Hit me with --
Hit me -- Yeah, thank you. Yeah, Sal! Thanks.
Thank you, sir. "If you -- if you
see Emily back there, let her know how much
you tipped me." If you see Emily back there, let
her know how much you tipped me. -I'll tell her.
-Taking care of me. [ Laughter ] I've got a stomachache
out here. We need you to turn it up
just a little bit more. Joe: Let's try to be
a little more direct. -Here we are.
-Here we go! Hello.
Are you Ella? -Yeah.
-All right. Here you go. -Thank you.
-This tip's not enough, buddy. -Let's be blunt.
-Thank you. -This is a terrible tip.
-Is it? Yeah. It's -- It's okay.
You know, it is what it is. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God!
-Thank you. -Ohh!
-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!
-Geez! She was very, very sweet
and polite. -Yeah.
-You weren't. -Here we go.
-Here we are. Hi. How are you?
Picking up for...? Gotcha. ♪♪ -Thank you. Uh, Leon.
-Yeah? "This tip is shit." This tip is shit. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Hm. Joe: What are
you doing?! Hm. [ Laughter ] Q: It's so uncomfortable. Hm? Joe: He forgot his card, and
he can't get in! It's locked! [ Laughter ] Oh, my God.
It's so weird. You got a key-card --
key-card issue? Oh. Oh, gotcha. "Did you leave the key card
with the rest of the tip?" So the key card's probably
with the rest of the tip? [ Laughter ] Q: That's it, bud. Murr: He's -- He's fleeing
the building. Joe: You can go. He's leaving his bag.
He's leaving his bag. He's trying not to be able
to be recognized. Sal: There's one person in this
park Joe has to strip for. Murr: Yeah.
Q: So he's just
gonna keep going until he finds
the right person. -Yes.
-Yes. Here he goes. Throwing out penalties.
[ Blows whistle ] Too much sexy. [ Laughter ] Huh? Murr: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. It's not you? No, it's not her, idiot. Enjoy your run. Back to the changing room. ♪♪ [ Sighs ] [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. Pizza guy's here. [ Laughter ] You guys order that?
That's for you. Huh?
Who ordered it? Ah! [ Laughs ] Oh, my God. [ Laughter ] No?
None of you? None of you ordered it? -Wasn't it, buddy.
-Get another outfit ready. It ain't delivery.
It's DiGatto. [ Laughter ] What is this even --
What is this? [ Laughter ] Look how short it is! I look like
a peewee football player, got hit by a gamma ray, and busted out
of his clothes. [ Laughter ] Touchdown. Whoo! [ Laughter ] No. Not them. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ [ Laughing ]
Here he goes. Fumble. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Ohh!
-Got a little bit of helmet. [ Laughter ] -[Bleep]
-It's stuck. It's stuck. ♪♪ It's so tight! There he goes, trying
to burst his butt up again. Sal: Butt up!
[ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Did you order
the strippergram? Ohh! God! [Bleep] me. ♪♪ This body's under construction. [ Laughter ] Guys, I think I know
who I'm supposed to go to now. There's a whole crew
over here, gentlemen. -Mm!
-Ohh. All right, all right. Murr: You think we gave
you a clue, huh? -What's up, fellas?
-They're gonna kill him. They're gonna hit him over
the head with a pipe wrench. You guys all right? Here he goes.
There goes the hips. Don't work too hard.
You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you got to
let it work for yourself. Right, boys? You know
what I'm talking about. [ Laughter ] Laying pipe, right? Yeah! [ Laughter ] Is it you guys or no?
No, it's not you. All right, well,
son of a bitch. [ Laughter ] This is
your last chance, buddy. Officer Sexy. Got his nightstick! Finally nice out, right? Yeah. You're under arrest
for too much sexy. -Ohhh!
-Ohhh! Whoa! ♪♪ Yeah? Yeah? Oh!
[ Laughter ] He can't rip the pants. ♪♪ Yeah? Back that up? Yeah?
There it is. She slapped it!
She slapped his ass! No? Whatever you're --
It's not -- It's not you? -No, it's not her.
-Oh! [ Sighs ] Guys. [ Laughter ] It's nobody, right? -It's nobody, bud!
-It's nobody. You're stripping
for no one, you idiot! Why did it take me that many
outfits to figure it out that it's nobody
in the park? -It's us. It's us.
-It's you? Who am I humping? That's it.
I'm not sticking around. I'm not sticking around
for this.
Is it you? I'm humping somebody.
I'm giving someone -- I'm stripping on somebody. Whoo! Whoo!
There you go. Is it over now?! [ Laughs ] Well, well, well,
Murr is our big loser. Yes, he is. This is all
we're telling you about this. Right now you're at
a conference center. Yeah.
And when you go into the room and they need a volunteer,
you're the volunteer. That's all you're getting. We're not telling you
anything else. What kind of conference
is this? One where you raise your hand
and say, "I'll do it." Listen, just take your
punishment like a man. Like a man.
Is that a clue? No. No.
Aww. No. We're just trying to
tell you to man up. [ Laughter ] Good afternoon, everybody.
I'm Dr. Frank Contacessa. How are you guys
all doing today? Good.
Good. Good. I'm a doctor
of internal medicine. I'm the guy you go to
for your yearly physical. So, who's afraid
of a yearly physical? A lot of people have
doctor fear. Everybody's afraid to let
a doctor touch them sometimes. Joe: Ohh. And what's
the one part of the exam that most guys hate the most? Prostate. Prostate.
Prostate. Prostate. Prostate exam, right? Q: Oh, there it is. [ Laughter ] So, I'll bring somebody up
and do a prostate exam. Joe: He's put it together. So, I'm gonna ask
for a volunteer. [ Laughter ] A free prostate exam.
Who could turn that down? [ Laughing ] Oh, no. I know one person that
can't turn it down. [ Laughter ] Anybody? It's a punishment.
You get up and you do it! Yeah. Fine.
Yeah, I'll do it. [ Laughter ] We found our winner!
Come on down! You're next up
on "The Hole Is Right!"
Yeah! Let's bring him up. Come on, I got
a nice gown for you. You can take off
your jacket. Leave everything else on. Yeah, get comfortable, Murr. [ Whimpering ] So, your arms go
into here. [ Laughter ] Murr: This is bad. W-What exactly does this
entail? So, I'm gonna put
some gloves on. I'm gonna put some jelly
on my finger. I'm gonna have you
bend over. -Oh-ho!
-Oh, my God. Joe: Look at this guy.
Look at this guy. He doesn't want to watch. Let me see your hands. Oh, don't worry about that. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Look at
the size difference. You'll feel them on entry. That's it.
Here we go, buddy. [ Whimpers ] You're gonna take
a deep breath. This is [Bleep] crazy. And just let it happen. The harder you fight, the harder
it's gonna be for both of us. Murr, this is important.
Don't [Bleep] right away. [ Laughter ] You're gonna bend over
at the waist. I know what to do.
Bend over at the waist. I got it. I got it.
Okay. Look at the whole crowd.
Turn right now. Look, the whole crew cannot
wait for this to happen. Everybody is watching
the cameras. It looks like you're hovering
over, like, a NASA mission. Everyone's just, like,
tense like, "Oh, my God." Well, we are going to
the dark side of the moon. [ Laughter ] Okay.
When I tell you to, you're gonna take a deep breath,
all right? And deep breath. Mother[Bleep]
[ Laughter ] Deep breath.
Deep breath. Okay. -Aah! He's in!
-He's in! He's in! Okay. Sal: Murray's
getting healthier! Very good. Q: [ Laughing ] It looks like
he's sucking on a lemon. [ Laughter ] Now, we check the right part,
the right lobe. I'm gonna check
to the left. You have a finger
in your ass[Bleep] I'm checking the middle.
You okay so far? You have a finger in your
ass[Bleep] on television! Very good. All right. There you go! [ Laughter ] The good news is
everything is fine. [ Laughter ] That was a perfectly
normal prostate. [ Applause ] [ Laughter ] We should mention
it ain't over. [ Laughter ] In medicine,
you can never be too sure, so I always like to get
a second opinion. [ Laughter ] So my colleague is here
just to make sure that he has
a normal prostate. [ Applause ] [ Laughter ] Who the [Bleep] are you? One more time
around the horn. [ Laughter ] Look at him.
Murray's presenting. [ Laughter ] Okay. Here we go. [ Whimpers ]
Don't move too much. [ Laughter ] Right lobe. You have another finger up
your ass[Bleep] on television! Look at the other doctor. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Almost done. Okay. [ Applause ] Dr. Frank,
everything is in order. Yes!
Yeah, Murray! I'm relieved, Murr. I'm relieved that
you're safe and sound. Take care, guys. [ Applause ] [ Laughter ] To your right, there's a cup
filled with red paint. Nice. And then grab
a big paint brush. And then I just want you
to pick any canvas you want, and draw a huge "X"
from corner to corner. [ Laughter ] I mean,
it's not doable. I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't do it. Oof. I think I'm just gonna
draw a red "X" on my head. You know what I'm saying? Oh, that's interesting because we just checked
the score board, buddy. You lost this episode. Murr: Aah! Here's your
punishment, bud. Draw an "X" on every canvas
in the room. Look at
all these canvases! Oh... Murr: Welcome to your
punishment, jerk! Oh, my God. This is basically the w--
impossible. [ Laughter ] There's eight canvases.
Yeah. So what if someone pulls
the painting away? No!
He's crushing dreams. Answer me.
I don't know! What's gonna happen?
I don't know! These all sound
like Q's problems. This is basically impossible.
You know what I'm saying? [ Inhales sharply ]
Ooh. Everybody's looking good. Let's see each painting. All right. We're gonna -- Oh, I like your cat.
Oh, I love your little cat. Oh, my God.
Oh, this is tough. What -- Murr: Here we go. Oh, yeah.
Sal: Oh, my God. No! Finished! Murr: Oh!
Oh! No! Joe: All right, bud, keep going.
[ Laughs ] [ Groans ] Sal: Oh, God. Murr:
Look at their faces. This does not feel right. Murr: That's two.
Six more to go. [ Groaning ] What do we got here? Sal: Oh, my God. Joe:
Aww. How cute. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Murr: Oh, no! Oh, there you go. [ Groaning ] Murr: No! No! Oh, that's a cute bear.
That's -- Oh, my God. Oh, no! -Not the pig! Not the pig!
-What are you doing? Not the pig! [ Laughter ] Sal: Oh, my God. Oh, boy. Murr:
Here's number five! Joe: Now they know
it's coming! Oh, my God. Murr: Oh! No! [ Gasps ] My life is horrible. [ Laughter ] Ugh! I've gotta -- [ Laughter ] We got to -- -Oh, my God.
-You get that "X" on! -You have to do it.
-You get that "X" on. It's a punishment.
You have to. You get that "X" on! [ Groans ] Murr: Oh, no! Oh. Ohh! I can't even
watch this. [ Laughter ] Murr:
This is the last one, Q. Oh, I got the fat sweats.
I got the fat sweats! I got the fat sweats! I got the fat sweats! I don't like me right now. Murr: Q, That refusal
was a big mistake. You only would have
had to do one, buddy. Oh, I got to go puke. [ Laughter ] We're here
at Dix Hills Golf Course where people are having
just a great day playing golf. Beautiful. I don't have to explain this
to you, do I? Nope. I'm just gonna
ruin people's golf game. Both: Yeah.
I added two and two.
I got four. There you go.
You got four? -Oh.
-And it all comes together. And that's how it goes.
-Wow! Swipe. Beautiful, beautiful day here
at Dix Hills Course, right? Sun is shining,
birds are chirping. -Oh, yeah.
-Nothing could ruin this day. -Uh-oh.
-Oh! -Here he comes.
-There he is. The ruiner of fun --
Sal Vulcano. You just got to mess up
every game. Look out.
Here comes a ball. That's a shot.
Q: Oh, there it is. -Come on, buddy.
-Go play that ball, Sal. Oh, God. Golf is all about rules
and etiquette, right? -Yes, these people --
-You don't violate this. -Traditions.
-And then there's Sal who's coming in to destroy
all of it in one fell swoop. Sal: I'm so nervous
and I don't know what to do. I-I hate this.
I hate this a lot right now. Q: Oh, my God.
Waving at no one. -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hit it!
There we go! There we go! Sir! Sir!
My friend. Hold it. [ Laughter ] This one here is
a Top Flite, though. Well...
What, you picked it up? Oh. [ Laughter ] Maybe your ball's there. Q: "All right, thank you."
Hit it again. [ Laughter ] Thank you. I appreciate it.
I don't know. I thought you said that
that wasn't your ball. Well, I... Man, I am glad
this is not me. Oh, my God. Murr: Oh.
There's the ball. Move right where
that ball landed. I want you on a business call --
a big merger, buddy. Bob, I don't have time for this.
I'm on the links. I say we merge.
I don't care. I'm sorry, hold on, Bob.
I got to merge. I'm sorry, I was on a call.
I didn't hear you. You can't go on the green
with the cart. I'm sorry? You can't go on the green
with the cart. Oh, I'm sorry, I was on a call.
I'm so sorry. [ Laughter ] Merge, guys.
Merge the two companies. Just spin in circles. No.
After today -- After today, the two
companies become one. Yeah, I don't know. Well, I have stock options. I don't know when they mature. I'm getting nauseous. [ Laughter ] Joe: Here we go, Sal.
Teeing off. All right, Sal,
grab the bucket of balls in the back of the cart. Go dump them
right around their ball. Q: Here we go.
Here we go. Oh, they're watching you.
They're watching you. Oh-ho-ho! Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely. That's why
I'm trying my best. [ Laughter ] -Sal, hit it.
-Sal, hit it!
-Hit it, Sal. Go! Sir, I was --
'cause you're right in the way of the thing there. -Yeah, 'cause we're playing.
-We're playing here. -Oh, no, I --
-We're gonna play through. -So wait until we're --
-Oh, no. As well. As well. Me, too.
No trouble. I was -- I was also playing. Oh! I would've got that in.
I would've got that. All right. I would've got that one
in, but... Oh, my God. [Bleep] Joe:
Get in there, Sal. [ Whistles ] Sal: How's your game
going so far today? -Okay.
-He's teeing two balls. "I'll take
the closer one." I could pick up the closer ball
if you want. -Oh, you want to take that one?
-Yeah, I'll take that one. -Yeah, Sal!
-I'll get that one. Sal, you sink this shot,
it's over. ♪♪ All: Oh! -Oh, my God!
-Whoa! Are you kidding me? Ride off into the sunset,
champion. I'll teach you everything
I know. I can't believe it. Q: Wow. Here's to a
beautiful friendship. [ Laughter ] Can't get any better
than this. Doesn't get
any better than this. All right, all right!
Tonight, Joey's our big loser. That's right, and, bud,
you're working the coat check at a really swank event, right here at
230 Fifth Rooftop Bar. Working the old
coat check. Gotcha.
That's it. Everybody loves
the coat-check room. -Everybody loves it.
-There's more to it. -Yes.
-Hold for it. -Hold.
-Gotcha. Here's where we swipe? That's a --
That's a nice jacket. Oh, thank you, boss. Q: Just keep
checking jackets, Joe. Keep checking jackets. Did you want to leave
the bag, as well? -Joe's been working.
-Working hard. -Yeah, working too hard.
-Too hard. Enjoy your evening. Let's, uh -- Let's get
to the punishment, all right? Let's do it.
Let's do it, finally. Murr: All right, well,
Danye's gonna give
you somebody's jacket. Q: Just slip
that bad boy on. All right. So, bud,
see the curtain? Come on, buddy.
Just walk on through. Yep.
Here we go, boys. Joey, you're actually the only
model at a real fashion show for the designer
HAPPYFISH. Sal: Yeah, except
everything you're modeling is every person's coat
you just took. That's it, baby.
Work that! Ahh! Already! Already! Joey, come on.
Show me the next hot look. ♪♪ Hey! No, no! She's upset! [ Laughter ] Sal: Wow. The air
of confidence he has. Guy's trying
to get the... Guy's trying to grab
the coat from him. -Work it, work it.
-Keep it sexy. Joe:
Nobody checked pants. "Nobody checked pants." ♪♪ Sal: Throw it down
with authority. Murr:
They are dumbfounded. You may get torn apart
out there, bud! So far, none of these
have been cheap jackets. No, they have not. Joe, start dumping every coat
at the end of the runway. Joe:
[Bleep] you, guys. -I got to do every coat?
-Every coat. We want a pile
at the end of the stage. Sal: These people
are in disbelief. Sal: He taking a photo
of the coats? Well, that guy
just called it genius, so maybe we're
onto something here. Sal: Joe, hit the...
like a T-Rex. [ Laughter ] Q: Dump that coat
and get back out there, man. -Look at him. He's magnificent.
-Add to the pile. Joe:
I'm done with this one! Q: Give me
the Squatty Potty. [ Laughter ] What a maniac. -Look at Joe!
-Joey, give me an eagle. I wanna see an eagle.
There. There's my eagle. Yes. -Two jackets!
-Ohh! Oh, you didn't see
that shit! You didn't see that!
That's next level! They're all on his side.
That's crazy. -Ohh!
-Yeah! Q: Yes! No one told you to take
your shirt off, but you are. No one has to tell me.
I'm fierce. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Guys, how many coats
are we doing here? -Well, you collected 77.
-Ah, [Bleep]. -[ Laughs ] Joe.
-Oh, there he comes! [ Laughter ] You wanna throw those coats
on the floor, Joe. Just drop 'em on the floor. Sal: Oh, my God.
Look at the crowd. They're laughing, and now
they're getting annoyed. I'm so sorry.
And someone's scarf. Number 56? [ Laughter ] "We are not responsible
for lost or damaged items." We're not responsible for
lost or damaged items. 24? Murr is our loser. Sal: So for your
punishment today, we're gonna be pumping you
full of histamines... I'm allergic
to histamines. Everybody's allergic
to histamines. So I'm gonna have
an allergic reaction? Right.
And then what? And then we'll
take it from there. Right. Sal: If you guys don't know
what "Australia's Thunder
from Down Under" is... -It's a hunk train.
-I know. ♪♪ Well, ladies, I want you
all to prepare yourselves, because you are in
for one treat. -All right, Murr. Here we go.
-Oh, my God. It's so itchy. -Here we go.
-Dude, I'm so excited. Man: "Australia's Thunder
from Down Under" wants you to know that
there's a new sheriff in town. Ah, yeah! Ladies, put your hands
together for... Murr: Oh, my God. ...the Lawmaker! Q: Oh, it's a twink! -Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God! Q: Ahh! Sal:
Look at the confusion. Oh, my God! -Oh!
-Oh, my God! Look at his back!
Look at his back! Look at his back!
Eughh! Just do a little hump,
little hump, little hump. Look at his leg!
Did he put it on his legs? No, no. That's just his --
That's his --
No, no! That's his disgusting
flesh! Oh, Murr. Look at her face.
Look at their faces! What am I watching
right now? Look at this woman. She's got
"refund" all over her face. Okay, Murray,
now go down the stairs and start dancing on people. Come on, man.
It's so bad. We want them to see your
disgusting flesh close up. I want to throw --
now I want to throw up. Everyone's scared
for their life! I'm disgusting --
I'm sorry! [ Laughter ] My disgusting back. I'm literally
getting itchy. Okay, now, Murr, you're gonna
dance with them on stage. ♪♪ -Just follow the lead.
-Keep up with them, buddy. [ Laughter ] Murr,
look how hot they are, and look how disgusting
you are! ♪♪ Murr, big finish. Own it! Yeah, that's it!
There you go! Own it, Murr!
Yeah! Sexy! You're a sexy bitch!
Yeehaw! Yeehaw! ♪♪ You turned them. Yeah! Man: There you go, fellas. Q's big on Instagram.
Big? Yeah.
That's --
that's his thing. That's his thing.
We should do an Instagram video. Ah.
Okay. I like that. All right, go do it. Joe's gonna record a video
on Q's Instagram. [ Nasally voice ]
This is where farts come from. Hee-hee! [ Laughing ] Who's that? Thor?
Is he your favorite? Well... Yeah?
Me too, man. I still read -- Week in,
week out, I still read comics. [ Normal voice ]
"Yeah, you know, I'm normally on that Instagram." Sometimes I read comics,
and I go on Instagram, and I like Instagram. "For instance,
I just made a video." For instance, I just made
a video now for Instagram. "I followed
a guy walking."
Oh, God. "And I was just filming
his butt area." I followed a guy walking. [ Laughter ] I was filming his butt
while he was walking. "Then I just said this." And I said this. [ Nasally voice ]
"This is where farts come from. Hee-hee!"
[ Laughter ] Sal: Ahhhhh, yeah! I said, uh... [ Nasally voice ]
"This is farts come from. Hee-hee!"
[ Coughs ] [ Laughter ] Joe: [ Normal voice ]
The guy's choking! [ Normal voice ]
It's all right. Don't choke. Did you post it?
Did you post it? You know, my mom will
probably be happy to see it 'cause I did post it. [ All shouting ] And it is going live! That is so, so immature! Well, let's go see how many
"likes" I got. Hello, guys.
How are you? So, let me read you guys
some specials.
Murr: Here we go. Tell me which ones
you guys like the best. Okay, so, we have
a baby iceberg wedge salad -- gonna be with
Jasper Hill blue cheese. The next special is
a bone-in Spanish daughter, and that's in
a Manchester curry on it.
Okay. Next, we have
an oversized carafe... of warm and brown. [ Laughter ] So, what you're
gonna have there is -- not a half carafe,
it's gonna be a full carafe -- that's four or five
servings, and that's gonna be
loaded to the top with some piping-hot
warm and brown. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. Next is underfed
sheep kickers. Underfed, yeah. Underfed sheep kickers
in a red cheese fiasco. Fiasco. The only really word
you need to know is "fiasco." -Yes, fiasco.
-Yeah. And next, we have stunned --
but still alive -- wallaby. [ Laughter ] This is made to order,
so it's gonna -- 45 minutes'
advanced notice, and we get a... -A wallaby!
-A wallaby! ...we get a wallaby
in the back, and then they stun it
real good. And it's -- it's --
but it still comes -- it just comes out
not knowing where it is. That's... [ Laughter ] The last one here
is eggplant shits. [ Laughter ] So, basically, eggplant
served 10 different ways. So, we fry it, we grill it,
we have it raw, we also coat it
in a fondue. So, we call it
"eggplant shits" 'cause it's just
a bunch of shit. [ Laughter ] No specials for you. You don't want any of those
specials? You want a salad? [ Buzzer ] Hey, guys. Welcome. Got it. Changing $500. Start pushing him
on the warm fish specials that they're
serving upstairs. Uh, have you guys eaten here yet
or no? Did you try the buffet?
-Yeah, we've been here all week. Oh, you've been here
all week? Did you try the buffet?
They got a warm fish special. It's honestly one of the best
warm fish salads in all of Connecticut. See if the pit boss
will get you some warm fish
down there. Could we get
some warm fish salad down here for my friends?
[ Laughter ] Call up to --
Call up to Javier. Ask him if we can get
a warm fish salad? -Are you serious?
-Thank you. You know, if I could have it
my way, I'd have Javier
shoveling warm fish salad right into my mouth hole. [ Laughter ] My wife makes
a warm fish salad. It'll blow your balls off. [ Laughter ] Here's how she does it. She takes
some warm fish. [ Laughs ] She mixes it
with some salad! [ Laughs ] This is how she does it.
She takes a nice warm fish. She mixes it up
into a salad. Boom, balls right off! [ Laughter ] Joe, say nothing else now
except "warm fish." It's basically like
we're just gonna beat this to death
then, right? [ Laughter ] Warm fish. Now, I should stay,
right? 11. Warm fish salad. Okay. Sal's on the floor
at this point. [ Squeals ] [ Laughter ] 19, 18, 12. It's a two!
It's a deuce! Is that a deuce?! Joey, tell him you got
to go drop the deuce of farts in the bathroom
and then just walk away. Speaking of that, I got to go
drop a deuce of farts in the bathroom. I'll just...
[Claps] [ Laughter ] What just happened? [ Laughter ] Murr: Go back in like
nothing happened. Can I interest you
in some warm fish salad? [ Laughter ] Excuse me one second. [ Laughter ] Okay, yeah. [ Laughter continues ] But, yeah, you like 50.
There you go -- warm fish salad! [ Ding! ] Sal: Murr, you actually
look super cool. -You do look cool.
-Yeah? You look like the bad guy
from every '80's movie -- which, for me, is
the ultimate coolness. You literally look like
you're in "Cobra Kai." -Let's get to it.
-What do I have to do? All you got to do, Murr,
is, uh, honk a man's pectorals. Three times. [ Laughter ] I like your headband, man.
I got one, too. Do you work out?
-A little bit. A little bit. What do --
what do you do? -Look at them pecs, Murr.
-'Cause I see you... Joe: Honk 'em! You have, like, glistening pecs.
You know what I mean? It's like, really,
you know -- honk-honk -- and it's, like, good, you know?
I'm trying to get that, too. One down, two to go. -Oh, my God.
This is nice, right? You here with family?
-Yeah. I'm here with my --
you know -- my -- my -- no one. "Here With My No One --
The James Murray Story." [ Laughter ] Do you, uh...
Do you work out? Do you work out?
You do... -Yeah.
-Yeah, you do? I see it. The ladies like the --
you know -- they like the -- they like the big pecs,
you know? They love these.
I'm trying to get it. I'm trying. Honk-honk.
And they won't do it. I'm trying to build
them up myself. Anyways, enjoy the park.
-Two down, one to go. So, Murr, we want
a behind-the-back, speechless "honk." All right. All right. Here he goes.
Here he goes. Here he goes.
-Here we go. Sal: Oh, man. Oh, man.
Oh, man. Oh, man! Q: Here he goes. Honk-honk! [ Laughter ] Bros -- bros.
Bros. We're bros. What a way
to finish, buddy. Good work.
-I'm done. I'm done. Sal: So, here's the thing,
all right? -Yeah.
-I want you to get people to agree that the sand
tastes delicious. [ Laughter ] You know because
you're gonna eat it. -I'm eating the sand.
-Yeah. So, they should
taste it as well, right? -Yeah. Yeah.
-Ohh... There's a lot of
bare feet on this sand. -That's right.
-Mm-hmm. Oh, there's hair
in the sand. Joe: There's hair in the sand.
I bet it's delicious. There's no way
someone's gonna eat sand. No way.
Well, somebody is -- Q. Is that the --
is that the sand? Is that the sand?
-No. Oh, the guy over
there was telling me that it tastes
like cotton candy. I didn't know
if you were eating it. Let me give a shot at this.
-They believe it. They're in.
They're in. Oh, well, they said
they flavor the sand. He ain't having it.
-Oh! Ohh! Oh, my God!
He did it! Well, no. Now, this guy's
got to taste it. Hand him some. Try it. -Come on. Try it!
-No, no, no, no. Melts in your mouth...
like cotton candy. You got to try it.
-No, no, no. -Oh! He's out of here.
-Agh. I mean, he ate sand. Yeah, which is nice.
But no one else tasted it yet. Oh, man, you were right,
this works! I can't believe it! Wow! The sand here is actually
flavored like cotton candy. You want to try some?
It's delicious. Come on. Give it a shot.
Here you go. Ah. Ahh! [ Screaming ] -I don't...
-Wow. Oh, I love this guy! You want some? -No, I'm good, thanks.
-Oh, okay. Oh, I got a water if you want. -No, I'm good, thanks.
-Yeah? "If you're in the mood
for a urine sample, we got a cooler
full of them right next to you." Well, if you're in the mood
for a urine sample, I got a cooler full of them
right over there, right next to you. [ Laughter ] "Also, if you want to add
to the collection, feel free to take a piss
in the cooler." And, also -- Yeah, also,
if you want to add to the collection, I mean,
you can just, you know, take a peeps in the cooler
right there. "What's so amusing?" What was -- I heard you,
you know, kind of snicker a little bit. What was so amusing? The urine sample bit. Oh, oh, okay.
I thought I missed a joke. Got it. There's no way we'd get
a free car from anybody, is there? You're the Movado guy.
You might get a free Movado. No way. Dude, eight years in
and we still have yet to get a free anything. We are way over it. Guys, let's take 30 seconds
right now to address the camera and tell them we've been on TV
for nearing a decade. If anyone wants to send us
anything free, all the way from a scoop
of ice cream to a Range Rover,
please, we're here. You going to meet a friend?
You're on your way to work? -No, I'm just meeting my buddy.
-Meeting your buddy. -"Oh, and then what?"
-[ Laughing ] Then what are you guys doing? I don't know.
Probably just hanging out. Maybe go for drinks
or something. "Cool. Then what?" Then what? Then the trip back
to Manhattan. Ohh! Then what? [ Laughter ]
Not a hell of a lot. [ Laughing ] -Joe, how you feeling out there?
-Great, baby. -Feeling good?
-Great. Fantastic. Let's see what we can do
to change that. -Excuse me?
-Yeah. No. I'm just waiting. "Oh, then excuse you." -Oh. Excuse you. Yeah.
-No problem. Sorry. I didn't know
if you had ordered already. -"I love this job."
-I love this job. "'Cause I get to meet
sick mofos like you." I get to meet sick mofos
like you. [ Giggles ] "Is this sick mofo's
food ready?" 8650. Is this sick mofo's
food ready? 8650. 8650. Is his ready?
-Woman: Not yet. "Let me get you some
titzicky sauce." Do you want extra
titzicky sauce?
What's that? Do you want extra
titzicky sauce? -Is that what they asked me?
-Actually, yeah. Did -- -No, I'm okay.
-All set. Just the regular? "You want some
black leblob?" [ Laughter ] Where'd he go? He's going to wait. Okay. "Titzicky, and I get you
some black leblob." And there's only one -- You got one sick tiddy sauce
on there. [ Laughter ] Go over. "Did you get
the blah-blah-blah?" If you want more blah-blah-blah
to go, let me know, sick mofo. [ Laughter ] -That is a deep V.
-That's a deep V. It's a capital V. You know
what ladies love -- middle-age, out-of-shape guys
with deep-V showing. [ Clicks tongue ] [ Laughter ] Here you go. Hey, I'm Brian.
How you doing?
Good, hello. Do you have any problems, any --
anything that you're -- Oh, wow, that's cool.
Okay. Okay, uh, why don't you have
a seat right there. We'll just check out
your range of motion. Yeah, at your age, you shouldn't
even have any problems. "I mean, look, we're all
gonna die some day, so..." I mean, we're all gonna die
one day, so... When I die, I wanna be
remembered as a healer. "Not for the old lady whose rib
I accidentally broke." Not for that old lady
whose rib I accidentally broke. For her. [ Laughter ] What sort of props
are you making? I'm deep
into fashion myself. Yeah. Deep-V.
[ Laughter ] Sal: Q, step right outside
that door, but stay flush
against the other side where we actually
can see you. I just gotta
run down the hall. One second, okay?
Chill out, one second. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Come back out of breath.
"I just ran down the hall." [ Laughter ] [ Sighs ] Okay, good. I had to
get something down the hall. [ Laughter ] Murr:
Well-done. -I'm Joshua.
-Joshua, nice to meet you. Sal. Have you been
to a tailor before? I've never been to a tailor,
so this is my first time. -Okay, yeah.
-Yeah. You know what?
Follow him in. -Get in there with him.
-What's that? Well, there's hooks. You can
put everything in there. -Close the door. Close the door.
-Oh, my God. Close the door. -Close the door.
-Pull it! [ Laughter ] -You're a 42 regular, though?
-Mm-hmm. Murr: This is not
a big dressing room. Does he think that that's a
tiny room for the both of them? Like, what is going on? He just said he's never
been to a tailor. Sal: So, yeah, yeah.
Unzip that. Murr: Is he changing
in front of you? -Sal: Yeah.
-Q: Oh, my God. All right, Sal. Wait. He's changing
in front of you?! Sal: There it is. Joe: Okay, Sal,
we're gonna start the clock. How many double-entendre jokes
can you make starting now? Sal: Yeah, look. Take that out.
That's impressive. -There's one.
-Yeah, just whip that right out. Joe:
There's another one. Sal: Oh, there you go.
Now look at that. That's actually
pretty big! [ Laughter ] I mean, you could stand
to lose 2 inches. Murr: Oh, my God! Sal: This hangs really low.
Look how long that is. And look how long
it hangs in the crotch. It's real long. Turn around
here. Look at the girth. -Yeah.
-"It's hanging"! Sal: It's just swinging
like a... -Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah. You see this wrinkly, like, kind
of sack of stuff right here? This will be the tip,
right here. This is gonna be
a nice tip. And then we'll work
backwards from the tip. [ Laughter ] It's not the most visual TV,
but it is funny. Murr: Oh, my God. You got it. Yeah, come out
in the pants and the jacket. [ Breathes deeply ] [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Joey, when the patient
comes in, I want you hiding
underneath that chair. ♪♪ Oh, here you
go, buddy. Man:
You all right, sir? No, I'm stuck.
[ Laughter ] Joe:
There's the "up" arrow here. Just use it
or just hit that. It was like
"127 Hours" in here. [ Laughter ] Did you ever have
corrective head gear? Oh, well,
a retainer? Yeah, 'dontics.
"'Dontics." When I was younger,
I had 'dontics at 12 to 15 years old. Yeah, I had
the 'dontics. "I got picked on a lot
'cause I also had 'pedics." I got picked on a lot
when I was little. I got, uh -- had the 'dontics up
top, had 'pedics down low. "Used to make fun of me
in the locker room 'cause I had
a small dicks." [ Laughter ] Used to shower in --
in all-boys high school, and I had a case
of the small dicks. [ Laughter ] 'Dontics. 'Pedics.
Small dicks. Well, you got
all the 'dics. Got all --
[ Laughter ] All right!
Q is our loser. And you might notice
right over there is the Holy Grail,
Yankee Stadium. Why are we here,
you ask? Because across the street today
at Billy's Sports Bar, the legendary Tino Martinez,
former Yankee, is doing
an autograph signing. -Tino?
-Yes. You know what you got
to do, bud? Ruin some autographs.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, get out of here!
-Fans are gonna love you. No way!
He's a legendary Yankee. -I love it.
-And you're a legendary loser. Yeah. ♪♪ Q: Look at him.
He's magnificent. I'm a fan, man.
Could you sign that? This is his punishment, Tino.
Don't do it. I can't do it. [ Laughter ] You're a champion. Those are three losers. You're the loser here. [ Laughter ] How am I getting my balls busted
by Tino? [ Laughter ] Hello.
How are you, sir? My pleasure.
Nice meeting you. Murr:
It's pretty simple, Q. You just got to ruin
every autograph. Oh, my God.
Oh, boy. Tino: Oh, thank you very much.
Appreciate you coming. Aw, this is
a mega-fan. How was he? Yeah?
'Cause I work here, they won't let me go over there
and say hello to him. What'd he give you? That's for your kid --
That's your kid's name? All right, Q.
Crease that photo. Oh, man.
That's -- Hey, hey, hey!
You folded it in half on me. Oh, my God! Oh! Yeah.
Oh, my bad. Here you go, bud.
Tino! Pleasure meeting you.
How you doing? [ Laughter ] All right. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God, man. [ Laughter ] -Thank you so much.
-All right, you're welcome. Woman: Thank you,
pleasure. Murr: Here you go, Q! How was he?
How was he? -He's awesome!
-Was he? What'd he sign
for you? -Oh, my God.
-Oh! What'd he do? -He's doing autographs?
-Yes! He signed this for us! You know how excited I am? He's my favorite player
of all time! Distract and fold! You know how many games
I got drunk here before that? You know how many games --
Oh, my God! [ Laughter ] That was an aggressive fold!
Oh, my God! I'm sorry! Oh! I'll fix it. -No, no, no, no, no!
-Don't fix it! [ Laughter ] Ow! Okay.
All right, okay. [ Laughter ]
Sal: Crumple it! Q: Oh, God,
No. No! [ Laughter ] What is going on?
This isn't real. Murr: Don't mess with
the New York women. I've never seen a person react the way that those two women
reacted. -That was crazy.
-That is a fun-loving gal. -Big fan.
-Thank you. Thanks so much. Sal: Ah, here we go.
You got three dudes. Look at Q.
Look at him, look at him! [ Laughs ] How was he? -Nice.
-Awesome. -Is he?
-Look at the shirt. -Oh, here we go.
-"Let me see that picture." Hey, how you doing?
What do you got? What did he write?
To someone? [ Laughter ]
Sign it, sign it! -Nice to meet you, man.
-That's cool. Joe: Oh, my God! No, no, no!
Why did you write on that? Oh, I thought you asked me
to sign it. Huh?
It's for my niece, bro. [ Laughter ] I thought you said
"Sign it." -Ohh!
-Oh! There it is. Ugh...
Q! You're
a punk-ass bitch! [ Laughter ] That's your hero calling you
a punk-ass bitch! I know! Today,
we're in the park, asking strangers
to take a selfie with us. Except the reason
we need to take that selfie will be given to us
by the other guys. If for any reason you cannot get
that picture taken, you lose. Let's do it.
Hey! ♪♪ Every seven years --
you never heard that? -- your body resets.
Are you being...? No, I swear to God.
We just had this convo. They say your body,
your allergies, and your, uh,
food tastes change every seven years.
Really?
I've never heard that. -Hey, guys.
-Yeah? What the [Bleep]
are you talking about? [ Laughter ] Joe: Q,
seven years ago...
Yeah? ...what was different
about you? I was in shape seven years ago.
Does that count? Well, you were
a different shape. [ Laughter ] Oh!
Oh [Bleep] Oh, your tooth! Is that your tooth?!
Is that your tooth?! Holy [Bleep]
Oh, my God! His tooth
just fell out! Joe: Murray's tooth
just fell out! [ Laughter ] Guys,
what the [Bleep]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! [ Laughing ] Oh! Hey, Murray. Murray. Your body's changing.
It's just... [ Laughter ]
...just hit seven years. Guys,
this isn't funny! It's been
seven years! My [Bleep] tooth
just came out! ♪♪ I got to take -- I got to
take selfies today like this? I can't talk right!
My tongue is lisping! I can't [Bleep] talk!
It's not funny, man! -Get a dentist!
-Oh, my God! There's no way I'm doing
a challenge called "Selfies," ass[Bleep] So you're -- so you're gonna
take a loss on the challenge? Yes!
Hell, yeah! I'm not going out.
I lose the challenge? Fine. Let's move on, guys.
Then you lose
the whole episode. [ Laughter ] You do!
You do. If you look at the scoreboard,
and then, guys, if you're with me
on this, I think the --
the punishment is, go out there
and take a selfie. [ Laughter ] I pride myself
on my smile. [ Laughter ] You got to
go anyway! Come on, man!
That's not right! This is awful.
Q: Look at him. Look at that stupid look
on his face. He cannot stand that people
are gonna see him like this. [ Laughter ] Show that chomper
to the world, my friend. Put that hand down. -Come on, man.
-It's a punishment. Get out there
and get people to take selfies. Get the [Bleep]
out there and smile
with your garage door open! Get out there and smile
with the garage door! [ Laughter ] Excuse me. Do you mind
if we take a selfie together? I'm trying
to get good at it. Oh, no. -D-- no? No?
-She saw your tooth. [ Laughing ]
Guys, this is not funny, man. [ Laughs ] Do you --
Do you guys mind -- I'm --
I'm a photographer. Um... I'm trying
to take -- [ Laughing ]
I can't. Do you mind
if we take a selfie together? Okay. Let's take a selfie.
One on each side. Sal:
Oh, yeah! Let's take a selfie.
[ Laughs ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughing, whimpering ] The worst day of my life. [ Laughter ] Joe: All right, bud,
keep going. Do you mind
taking a selfie with me? I'm trying to frame out
my blackened front chomper. [ Laughter ] You know? So, okay, ready?
Cheese. [ Camera shutter clicks ] Oh [Bleep] you can still see
my blackened front chomper. [ Laughter ] You want to take a selfie
with me? [ Laughing ]
Oh, my God. [ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Whimpering ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Laughter ]
Big smiles. Well, this one,
it looks like I'm crying. I'm sorry for that. [ Laughter ] Q: Murr, get a selfie with
this guy holding your tooth. Oh, my God.
This is the worst. If you get this,
the punishment is over. -Come on, precious!
-[ Laughs ] Can I take a picture of you
holding my tooth that fell out? -Yeah.
-Sal: Oh! No!
Oh, my God! Joe: He just took
his tooth. [ Laughter ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ] Every once in a while... The stars align, and a tooth falls out
on the wrong guy. -[ Laughs ]
-Yeah, yeah. This is not funny.
I need to go to a dentist. [ Laughter ] Joe:
Sal, have a seat there, right next to your
George Foreman Grill. [ Laughter ] Oh, wow. We preheated the grill, bud.
It's nice and hot. There's literal steam piping
off of the George Foreman. Can you see it? [ Laughter ]
I'm here for
the focus group. Hi. Tracy.
How can I help you? Sure.
And your name is?
Max. Sorry.
You can have a seat. Do you want to just go ahead
and cook yourself up a burger? [ Laughter ] [ Grill sizzling ] [ Laughter ] [ Sizzling continues ] Murr:
It's so loud. [ Laughs ] Sal, log on to your
ex-girlfriend's Facebook page. [ Sighs ]
I got to kill so much time here. Time to check in on the
ex-girlfriend's Facebook page. [ Laughter ]
Huh. Joe:
"Ohh, my ex." Murr: "Oh, here we go.
My ex." [ Scoffs ]
My ex. "Look how she brags --
'Another day, cancer-free!'" [ Laughter ] Brag, brag, brag.
That's awesome. A year ago today,
she beat cancer. Now 'cause that's all
she talks about. I mean,
it's a big accomplishment. "Great at
beating cancer -- terrible at basic
relationship consideration." [ Laughter ] Joe: First,
move that burger. [ Laughter ] Great at
beating cancer -- not so great at
basic relationship etiquette and consideration. [ Laughter ] She's got a new guy. "Bald!"
Bald! "Oh, my bad --
he's got cancer, too." [ Laughter ] My bad -- he's got cancer, too. [ Laughter ] I've been grilling meats over
here for the past half-hour. [ Laughter ] How are you? Okay,
how many will there be? Take four menus and just
drop them on the floor. Okay. This is gonna be
a table for four. Oh, you missed one. Table for four? [ Laughter ] Joe: Q,
underneath the phone there, there's a glass of water
with some dollars in it. I'm not throwing it in someone's
face, I'll tell you that. Put it down right next
to the cash register there, and wait
for further instruction. Hello, welcome to Señor Frogs.
How are you? Table for four. "Have they told you about
the promotion we're doing?" Did you guys hear about the
promotion we're having today? No.
"It's Wet Dollar Friday." [ Laughs ] Here you go. -What is this?
-What is this? It's a...wet dollar. -Thanks?
-For...? "Okay, I'll seat you in one
second, I'm just parched." [ Laughter ]
No. -Oh, come on!
-I wouldn't do it. Ohh. All right. I'm parched. Aah! I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it!
-No, Q! Oh, that's so nasty. You don't even know
where that dollar's been. Sal: It's loaded with feces
and cocaine. They're loaded
with feces and cocaine! -Ohh!
-[ Laughs ] And this is how Q dies. [ Coughing ] -[ Retches ]
-Oh, that was a mistake. Murr: That's it.
That sound is gonna do Sal in. -Ohh! Oh. [ Coughs ]
-I can't. I cannot w-watch this. [ Retching ] -Don't do that.
-Oh, my God! Dude,
what did that taste like? [ Retches ] Oh, here he goes again. The water tasted
like dollars. [ Joe laughs ] [ Sal Retches ] Joe is
today's big loser. All right, buddy,
we're in Woodbridge Center, and all
you got to do, really, is just give massages
to people shopping in the mall. All right. Get out there
and give 'em some rubdowns? Eh...
Eh... I feel like
there's a little bit more than just
giving a Shiatsu. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Q: There he is.
There he is! Joe, you're in
a massage chair. Thanks for the update. [ Laughter ] Yeah, yeah,
do you know what you think
the climate's like in here? It's a balmy 97 degrees. I'm ensconced in pleather. Where are you arms?
Can you move them? Right here. Where are your legs?
They're here,
in the thing. Wait, let me
ask you a question. What's it gonna be like
when people sit on you? It's gonna hurt, probably. So, when they put their arms
in the -- on the thing, you're gonna massage them
with your hands? I don't know
what I'm gonna do. You're talking to me
like I've done this before. Oh, you mean the last time
I was a massage chair? [ Laughter ] Here we go.
Here we go. Oh, oh, oh, oh! Q:
Look at Joe. Stay calm, buddy. Turn on.
Start massaging. Yeah, Joe,
start massaging. [ Laughter ] Joe,
she thinks it's real. Now she's squinting
like this is a little weird. All right, Joe,
use your hands. [ Laughter ] [ Screams ] [ Laughter ] Time is up. [ Laughter ] There's just a thin layer
of pleather between me and someone's fist if they decide to punch
the chair that grabs them. Yeah, that's what
we're hoping. Yeah. Exactly. Vibrate. [ Joe imitates buzzing ] Combination. [ Laughter ] Q:
Oh, there's the arms! [ Laughter ] He's already in Zales. [ Laughter ] The smell -- This chair's
gonna start smelling. I'm sweating
like an animal in here. Joe, this machine
makes noises, no? [ Imitates whirring ] [ Laughter ] Use the hands,
bud. [ Screams ] [ Laughter ] ♪♪ She just
[Bleep] jacked me. [ Laughter ] All right,
Joey. Joe, give her the old whirly --
whirly-dirly setting. [ Imitates buzzing ] [ Laughter ] What if the chair
gives compliments? Go ahead. Joe: [ Robotic ]
You look beautiful today. Oh, thank you. [ Imitates buzzing ] [ Laughter ] You look beautiful today. [ Imitates buzzing ] [ Laughter ] Massage. Massage. Massage. [ Laughter ] [ Imitates buzzing ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Time is up. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Joe.
Vibrate, baby.
Vibrate for him. [ Imitates buzzing ] [ Laughter ] It's massage and stretch. Massage and stretch. He has no idea
what's going on. [ Laughter ] Time is up. ♪♪ You're welcome. [ Laughter ] This is the stupidest thing
I've ever seen. [ Sighs ]
Guys, is this done? All right,
one last person. That'll do. It's... Byamba!
Byamba! Byamba! Joe's arch nemesis. [ Laughter ] You flew Byamba in
from Japan? Byamba weighing in
at about 387 pounds. Here we go.
Here we go. Byamba!
[ Laughter ] Oh, God. Ohh! [ Growls ] Oh, God!
Byamba! Oh, my God!
He's so heavy! He's so [Bleep] heavy! Murr: Joe, jiggle,
jiggle, jiggle. [ Imitates buzzing ] [ Laughter ] You look beautiful today. All right, Joe.
Get him out of there. Joe, you made it, buddy.
You made it, buddy. Yeah! [ Applause ]
All right, Joe. Good job, buddy.
See you later. Q is our loser,
and today, he's volunteering at
the Long Island Cares Food Bank. And he's hungry. Gonna need this, buddy. [ Laughter ] What'd it take you, two seconds,
to come up with this one? One for them, one for you.
Get in there! Here's the volunteer
extraordinaire, Brian "Q" Quinn,
coming to do some good. Over here,
doing my civic duty. All right, so,
now, Q's hungry, and that's basically
the punishment. Murr: Help yourself. Important to note,
for every one thing Q ruins, we're replacing it with
three brand-new items. So, we're actually
doing some good. Oh, boy.
[ Chuckles ] Woof. Work up a hunger, looking at
all this food, you know? Here we go. I should've ate breakfast. Oh, Q, don't eat the food
for the needy. No, bud. [ Cap pops ] Sal:
Oh, she gave you a look. It is on. ♪♪ Oh, my God.
How weird do you feel? Oh! The hate is instant. I know. I know. We could feel it. You want to open
something else? Bud, we -- Bud, we put a fork
in your pocket. There's a fork
in your cargo pants. Oh, God. Oh, she's going to talk.
Joe: She's gonna report you!
She's gonna report you! She's going to talk. She's steaming. She's steaming.
Rightfully so. All right, Q. Sir, we can't
eat the donations. That's Cole,
one of our producers. He's our inside man. We can't be
eating the food. Got it. It was dinged. I don't see a ding, sir. [ Laughs ] Keep cooking, guys.
I got you loud and clear.
Loud and clear. Everyone's doing well. All right, new guys.
Fire it up.
New guys. Sal: Snack time.
[ Laughs ] ♪♪ Oh, my God. Disapproving looks
being shot everywhere. [ Laughs ] You're like a human raccoon. [ Laughs ]
He's scourging for food. Q: They hate me. I feel the hate for me
coming off in waves. Get hungry, bud? Just whisper,
"What else this place got?" [ Laughs ] What else this place got? [ Laughter ] Look at this. Q.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's full-blown opening a can
on the table. Sal: Oh, what is that?
What is that, corn? Oh! It's corn. Jelly, corn, milk, ham. Dude, your ass is gonna be
making a donation
in a few minutes. [ Laughter ] Oh!
Oh! Oh, but it was dinged. It wasn't?
It was dinged. Yeah! "All dinged."
"All dinged. All dinged." All dinged. Hi, everybody. All: Hi. My name is James Murray. I'm here to talk to you
about my career. What is it?
Good question. Let's take a look
at the screen. Let's take a look at the screen. Narrator: When you wake up to
a loved one dead on the couch, what do you do with the body? Turn to James S. Murray for
all your pet cremation needs. He'll even do turtles, burning the body
in an 1,800-degree oven and grinding shell and bone
into a fine dust. Man: Cowabunga, dude! Narrator: Also, if you are
over the age of 65 and seeking a divorce, James S. Murray will get you
the justice you deserve. ♪ For pet cremation ♪ ♪ Grandparent divorce ♪ ♪ Call James S. Murray,
of course ♪ ♪ La la la la ♪ Please call now. [ Laughter ] Murr: That's what I do. [ Laughter ] [ Laughing ] I cremate pets, and I help grandparents
get divorced. Who here has pets? Who here has pets? [ Laughter ] Who here
has grandparents? Oh. Jackpot! [ Laughter ] Get one
of their pets' names. Who has a pet?
Okay. What's your pet's name? Royal?
Royal, the dog. How old is Royal?
6, okay. -Getting up there!
-Getting up there! He's getting up there. [ Laughter ] How big is he? Is he a small dog
or a pretty big dog? Royal will be cremated
in about 30 minutes. Royal,
since he's a small dog, it -- oh. [ Laughter ] It'll be pretty easy
to cremate Royal, 'cause he's a tiny dog, so that'll only take
like 20, 30 minutes, at most. [ Laughter ] Does anyone know
what divorce is? [ Chuckles nervously ] Does anyone know
what divorce is? -I do!
-Yes, you do? What is -- what is divorce? Or grandparents.
'Cause that's what I do. [ Laughing ] I only cater to
grandparents who are unhappy. Okay. So now just pull off
that tablecloth there. Oh, my God. And have at it. So, these are urns. So when your pet dies... Oh, my God.
There's actually ashes. [ Chuckles ] When your pet dies,
we give you these jars -- these collectible jars --
with ash in it. Now, does anybody know
what the ash is? Does anybody know
what the ash is? [ Camille Saint-Saens'
"Danse Macabre" plays ] No, see, see,
it's not the bones, because These are the bones. [ Children gasp ] -And as a reminder...
-As a reminder... ...if any of your grandparents
are unhappily married... ...if any of your grandparents
are unhappily married, I do that, too. [ Laughter ] Yes, you have a question. Why would you want to help somebody's grandparents
get divorced? [ Laughter ] People make mistakes, right? And, plus,
I gots to make ends. Plus, I gots to make ends. You know,
and some people would say marriage
is a social construct. And some people would say that
marriage is a social construct. It's not really -- Monogamy's a sham. [ Laughter ] Who wants to see a major step
in the cremation process? Who wants to see one of the major steps
of the cremation process? -Me!
-Do you want to try? Come on up, buddy.
Come on. We may have gone too far
with this one. This is a sifter. This is called a sifter. It sorts the ashes
from everything else. Now here --
you hold this over the bin. Take a little silver urn,
unscrew it. And now sift it slowly. There you go.
Good job, buddy. -What's in the sifter?
-A little surprise in there. What's in the sifter?
What's left over? Oh. Oh, no. It's --
it's the pet's collar. [ Children gasp ] [ Laughter ]
Look at him!
Look at the kid. [ "Danse Macabre" continues ] The whole room's
going nuts. And we give this to the owner,
and they keep it as a memento. Sal: [ Laughing ] Look at the kid's face. Ha, ha! Joe has lost, so today,
Joey, we're at Jay Suites where down the hall,
there's a conference meeting going on with some
important business people. -Important people.
-You're going to go in there during their meeting
to do some handiwork, but in the interim, you're also
going to find a bunch of eggs hidden about the room. Your job, is just to eat all the
eggs during their meeting. You hear the words that are
coming out of your mouth, right? We might have -- We might
have thought of this one very late at night. Nicole: Whether I made
the sale or whether I... Murr: So, the employees
of the company Tinybeans are attending
a public-speaking workshop. None of them have any idea
that we're filming here today. Here he comes.
Here comes the super. Nicole: Hi, yeah.
So, um, you're just gonna -- -Do a little work in here, yeah.
-Do some little -- Like, yeah. The moderator in the room
is our accomplice, Nicole Wells. Murr:
Here he goes with the egg hunt. [ Woman speaking indistinctly ] You're not going to find
the eggs that easy, Joey. Nicole: I start on one side,
and what a lot of people do... -He found an egg.
-Found an egg. Crack it against the wall. But a lot of times, when
you're doing presentations, you're seated.
Q: The noise. Nicole: ...parameters
for gestures? No. So I'm not -- There's not
an advocacy of, like, "Well, you should do three
gestures per five words." [ Shell cracking ] But generally, gestures -- In general,
you want them to be full. Forearms should be away
from your rib cage. This is the stupidest idea
we've ever had. Sal: He's got
four to go. Murr: What are you doing
as a handyman? Nicole: We're taking up space.
We're gesturing fully. Murr: Oop, oop, oop, oop.
Getting warmer. We're making
eye contact. Joe: Ugh! Nicole: The other thing
I really want you to -- -Ohh!
-Ohh! Got yourself
an egg there, buddy. Now, how long before the room
starts gettin' that egg smell to it? Nicole: I just remember
a piece of paper. And it just relaxes my face. You just asked me something
that I don't know. Q: He's just in plain view
of everybody now. Murr:
Look -- Look at her. Don't ever do a presentation
after lunch. Right?
Because you guys are digesting, it's like the worst time. [ Laughter ] Q: Now you got egg
on your lip. [ Laughter ] This is worse than the turkey
leg challenge.
Yeah. I wouldn't be able to
do this. And that's the other
thing confident,
influential people do. -They're present.
-What's that? Nicole: ...lean forward,
because they have something really exciting
to talk to you about. -Ohh.
-Well done, Joey! Q: She just saw
you get another egg. [ Shell cracking ] ...like your body language
and your voice. What most researchers
have found to be... Sal: Okay. You got people
literally locked in on you. But for you to be effective
and to be persuasive... Sal: This woman
is bursting. Nicole: ...really what people
are looking for. Murr:
He's got the egg sweats. Three eggs is usually when you
tap out for an egg meal. Yeah. Really, two hard-boiled eggs
I think is too much. You know who's really getting
punished today? His bestie
when he goes to sleep tonight. [ Jokers laugh ] Those egg farts
start coming out. [ Jokers laugh ] Joey spots something. Uh-oh, uh-oh.
He's going up high. This is -- This is... Is there an egg
taped to the ceiling? [ Shell cracking ] Murr:
He's cracking the egg. Nicole: You've never --
You've never seen anyone? [ Jokers laughing ] Q: Now eggshells
are raining on him. You're like,
"Oh, my gosh, Nicole is..." [ Laughter ] Nicole: Hopefully you don't have
to, like, walk on eggshells. -Oh, my God.
-Joe. "Num num." Nicole: Wonder Woman's
a little bit easier to do. Num-num. Nicole:
...create a feedback loop... -Oh, my God.
-This is so stupid. Q: All right.
Down to the last one. I mean, there's definitely one
taped under the table. Oh, yeah. There is.
Of course there is. What is -- What is this?
Our first day? Murr:
Uh, uh, uh, uh-oh. [ Laughs ]
He's got it. -So much of us...
-There he goes. Look. Look. Nicole: The last thing we want
to do is have that quiet moment. Ohh. [ Shell cracking ] [ Laughter ] This is the last --
This is the last one. Q has lost the Universal Studios
Hollywood episode, so we're hanging out here
in Hill Valley. All right, and for your
punishment today, buddy, you're gonna take
their most iconic ride... Yeah.
...the studio tour all around the back lot,
where the fun never stops. Yeah, but the fun's gonna
stop today because of you. It's just gonna stop again
and again and again and again. Murr: So, Jordan the tour guide,
he's working with us. He can hear what we say. Joe: All right, buddy,
if you look up, there's a nice red wire
right above you. Murr: Yeah, you see that cord?
That's the emergency brake. We're gonna have you pull it
whenever we tell you. [ Laughs ] Yeah. Jordan: Right out there,
guys, there's a lot of history that's been on that street. Going all the way back to the
1940s. -Pull it!
-...from our sound stages... [ Air hisses ] The red assistance cord
has just been pulled. If this is a medical emergency,
please pull the cord again, and we will contact
emergency services. Can he slow down
for photo ops? [ Laughs ] What's the point of it if you
can't get a good photo? Yes, sir?
-Are we supposed to
be taking photos? 'Cause you're going by
pretty fast. I just wondered if you could
slow it down so I could just take
a couple shots? Sir, are you,
sir, are you good? Yeah, you guys are just
going pretty fast. Gotcha. Have your cameras ready
when we go to the spots. Are we coming back
this was again? Not again,
so take your pictures now. Okay. Thank you.
Okay. [ Laughter ] -The guy to him is steaming.
-Oh, ho ho ho. Murr: Oh, my God the other cars
are not happy. This area right out here is
called Six Points Texas. -Ready, Q?
-Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.
Murr: 3, 2, 1... Together: Stop. -Oh.
-Oh, shit. We're gonna have to stop
the ride for a moment. If this is
a medical emergency... Look at this guy.
He wants to murder him. Q, just ask him, "What did you
just say back there? I missed it."
[ Laughter ] -Yes?
-I just -- I missed what you said.
Sir, I will not entertain this any longer.
Are you okay? Yeah, I just missed
what you said. Emergencies, sir. Hey, bro, you're wasting
everybody's time! Wow! Look at the guy!
Murr: The mood's changing. The guy next
to him is frozen. Q, as soon as he starts moving,
pull it again. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. -Yes.
-You have to. -Mnh-mnh.
-Yes. Okay, so, as we continue
right out here... Go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go. [ Laughter ]
Ohh, shit! Sir, get out! Can we get security
out here? Sir, I need you
out of the tram! Is he talking to me?
He's right here. Q: I don't know that I need to
be, you know, talked to. Whatever this
shirt is. Which one?
This guy? You're coming out. How about a little
professionalism around here, all right?
[ Cheers and applause ] You're out, you ass! -Yes, yes! Yes!
-Sal has lost the episode, so we've brought him
to the Cresskill Swim Club. Today, what you're gonna do
is empty that pool, you're gonna kick all the kids
out for being bullies. Whether they're
bullying or not. "You know how I am
about bullying. I don't like bullying.
Everybody, out of the pool." So I'm the bully.
Yes. Doesn't matter
what they say, doesn't matter
what their parents say. Get 'em out. This might be
the first day in my life that I don't have fun
in a pool. [ Laughter ] Joe: Everyone at the pool
is now safe. Sal Vulcano's
officially on duty. All lives are being guarded
right now. This pool is unbelievable. I want it all to myself. Well, you will
pretty soon. [ Laughter ] -There goes a splash.
-There's a splash. Guys, I -- Honestly,
I don't know. Q: Here we go.
[ Whistle blows ] Excuse me. Can I talk to you
for a second? Can I talk to you guys
for a second, please? Oh, boy, here we go. I just, uh -- I just
noticed the bullying. You can't bully.
Okay, guys? -What?
-What? "Five minutes.
Five minutes." I, uh, am gonna need you to take
a seat for five minutes, okay? Just five minutes, okay?
Thanks, guys. Ohh. He's gonna go tell
his parents, probably. Yeah, that's
the whole idea. That's what
we're hoping for. Sal: This is tough. -Uh-oh.
-Oh, the moms are looking. Talk to this kid
as he's walking. Excuse me, excuse me. Who are you with
over here? Are you with anyone
over here? -No.
-Okay. What's your name? -Colin.
-Colin? "I'm gonna need you to sit down
for five minutes." Colin, I'm gonna need you
to sit down for five minutes for the bullying, okay?
Just five, buddy. Q: "Do you want 10?
Oh, you want 10 minutes?" Do you want
10 minutes? -No.
-Okay. [ Laughter ] Joe: Word is spreading that
this lifeguard is not liked. Sal, the punishment ends
when the pool is empty. [ Sighs ] Okay.
[Bleep]. -Everyone's a bully, Sal.
-Yeah, yeah. Sal, this kid on the slide,
when he comes through, blow the whistle
right at him. [ Whistle blows ] [ Laughter ] Get him out
of that pool. [Bleep]. -He did nothing!
-I know. Well, maybe
they did something. Let's go. Come out.
I need you to come out, buddy. [ Sighs ] [ Sighs ]
What the hell was that? "You showing off, trying to make
everybody feel bad?" Trying to make everybody
feel bad about themselves? Classic bully technique. Who's talking to you?
Ho, ho. Come here.
Who's talking to you? -"No."
-No. "He wasn't.
You're out for five minutes." You don't talk to someone
unless they want you to speak, then that's bullying. Go sit over there, please,
on the bench for five. Bullying. [ Laughter ] Five. Everything
all right? -"Okay, five minutes."
-All right, you know what? Five minutes.
Five minutes on the bench. You can't
bully people. [ Laughter ] Uh, uh, uh, uh! Because people
are bullying people, and I cannot
stand for that. -Oh!
-Oh! Q: "I'm pulling bullies
out of the pool." I'm pulling bullies
out of the pool for a reason. So says you. [ Laughter ] This kid's throwing somebody
on the right, right? Wait, wait, wait.
Where? Where? Yeah. Q: I mean, that -- that's
bullying right there. You see that? Okay, that's it. I need you to come out
of the pool one second. -Ohh!
-Ohh! -There you go.
-Hey, buddy. I can't have you bullying people
like that and throwing people. I can't have it. "Out. Out now." [ Sighs ]
Do me a favor. Just come out of the pool
for five minutes, please. Okay. [ Laughter ] All right.
Appreciate it. -Uh-oh.
-Oh, here we go. Uh, I just didn't want him
to bully anybody, so I took him out of the pool
for a few minutes. Did you ask?
-Yeah. -Is that your brother?
-Yeah. "Well, he'll be back
in five minutes." I'll let him back in
in five. Well, I just -- He can't
bully children, that's all. -"All right, five minutes."
-"Five minutes, he'll back in." All right, so, then,
five minutes, and we're good. [ Laughter ] I interpreted it
as a bully, so I just got to give
at least a five. Right. "Ma'am,
I'm feeling bullied." I'm... Make her sit
for five minutes. I'm sort of feeling bullied
a little bit right now. I'm gonna have
to get you out for five. -Ohh!
-Ohh! For five minutes. Oh-ho! But these kids are here
and someone else throws them and they don't want to be
thrown, I got to know, you know, just so -- just so
I take care of your kids. Only 'cause I -- "It's only another two-and-
a-half minutes at this point." I mean, at this point, it's only
two-and-a-half minutes. You have time served,
so...yeah. -Ah!
-Ohh! Let's go. I only -- It's only
for their protection, really. Joe: Blow the whistle
at her. I'm not understanding
what's happening.
[ Whistle blows softly ] It's the bully whistle. [ Laughter ] I-I-I can't do this anymore,
guys. You got to
[Bleep] let me go. You got to let me go.
This isn't -- Sal, bullying
is a disease. This whole pool, apparently,
has caught the disease. You have to clear
the whole pool. -Clear.
-That's it. No, I really [Bleep] -- I really got to
[Bleep] stop this. Everything's bullying,
Sal. [ Whistle blows ] Everybody out
if you're gonna bully! [ Whistle blows ]
Come on, please,
get out. Please, come here.
Let's go. I can't do it.
I cannot do it. Come here. Here, right here.
Right here. [ Laughter ] Come on, please. I'm up to here, guys.
I'm up to here. I'm up to [Bleep]damn here,
all right? Come on. Sal is ruining summer. Five. Five. Five. Five. Guys, five.
Guys, right here. Sit. Q: Get them out! There's still people
in the pool. Guys, over here.
Murr: Get them out,
the whole pool. Out!
[ Whistle blows ] Everybody out!
Five minutes. If I hear any lip,
it's 10! [ Whistle blows ] Look at this.
Look at all these kids. Q: Look at it.
He's cleared the whole thing. -That's it.
-He did it. You officially ruined summer,
buddy. I'm gonna pass out. -Ohh!
-Ohh! [ Laughter ] -Well done, guys.
-Well, there we go. Let's go swimming,
boys. All right,
Murr's our loser. Murray's our loser,
and you, loser, have to come here
to CompleteBody Gym, where you're gonna pump
some iron.
I'm ready to go. And we've written a bunch
of insults on pieces of paper and shoved them
in that fanny pack. While you're working out, you're gonna have to
pull them out and say them
to people with tattoos. So, the insults
are about the tattoos. -Yes.
-Clearly. And if anybody knows about
insulting tattoos, it's you. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. I-I already see one tattoo. -Okay, there you go, Murray.
-[ Laughs ] Second tattoo, third tattoo.
Oh, my God. Q: All right, now just
make your way through every insult
in the fanny pack. You know how far away we are
if anything goes down? And you also know
how ineffective we'd be if anything goes down? Sal: Look to your right. Oh, tattoo on his back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
this guy's [Bleep] huge. It just got so real for you,
didn't it? Pull out
a piece of paper. -Ah!
-Oh! -Get in there, Murr.
-I -- Excuse me. I'm sorry. I thought only chicks
had tattoos like that the -- the -- right? Ohh! Ahh. [ Laughs ]
"Is this guy trying to get
knocked on his ass?" I thought it was a --
like, only chicks had that. You know what?
Carry on with the conversation. I'm gonna be... [ Laughs ] Look at the face!
Look at his face! He's so confused. Look,
the whole group is confused. [ Laughter ] He goes,
"This guy. This guy." He's laughing.
Look, he can't believe it. His mind's blown.
His mind's blown. Because no one
the size of Murray would ever say
something like that. This guy's got
a great attitude. Hey, there's a guy
with a tattoo working out
right next to you, Murr. [ Laughter ] All right, here he goes.
Let's load one up, Murr. Hang on.
Let me see what this is. This could go bad. You know... [ Chuckles ]
I, uh -- I know a guy
that can fix that for you. Oh, God! The -- the tattoo. I know a guy
that can fix it. He does great work
fixing tattoos. Yeah. Oh, it's all right?
All right. Okay, no problem. [ Laughter ] -It's so personal.
-Yes. -It's -- You -- You chose it.
-Right. You got it inked on you...
-It has meaning to you. -Forever.
-...till the day you pass on. You wear it with pride
normally. And here comes this --
this guy. Look,
they're looking at you. [ Laughter ] Now onto the next one. And there's also this girl
to your left. Yeah, look to your left
right now. Oh, God. Sal: She's ripped.
Oh, my God. Yeah,
why don't we get in there? Murr: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Is that -- [ Chuckles ] The tattoo -- the -- it -- it looks like
a child did it. Ohh! I don't even want to listen
to what's about to happen. Th-that one -- is it --
did you have, like, a -- a young person
did it for you, or no? Did -- Was it a child?
No, it wasn't -- it wasn't -- Oh, I don't know.
That's why I was asking. No.
It wasn't a child? Oh, I didn't realize.
I didn't realize. -Get out of there!
-Okay. Okay, great. Sal: [ Laughs ]
Oh, my God! That was crazy. Almost there, pal,
almost there. Oh, my God.
Excuse me. Did --
did you get that in -- did you get that
in prison, the... Oh!
[ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ] No, the tattoo --
you didn't get it in prison? -No, no, no.
-Oh. Cool. Where'd you get it? California. I knew it was either California
or prison. [ Laughter ] -[ Laughing ] I can't take it.
-All right, Murr, this is the last line
in the fanny pack, buddy.
This is it. Murr, go back and give that guy
another line from the bag. [ Chuckling ] What guy? Drive fast, Murray. Oh, my God. This is --
This is my death right here. You haven't gotten killed
yet. Oh, my God. You know -- You know what it is?
It's -- it's a -- it's a --
it's a cute doodle. Oh! -What, the fanny pack?
-Yeah. -Aah!
-Aah! Get out of there!
Get out of there! [ Murr chuckles nervously ] [ Laughter ] He got it. He got through the whole fanny
pack and didn't get killed. [ Laughter ] So, Q is the big loser. Yes, and tonight, he faces
the mother of all punishments. That's right,
'cause you're teaching Lamaze to a room
full of pregnant women. Yeah, kid! None of these kids are mine,
right? -Every one!
-Every one is mine? Every one is yours!
This is the worst
punishment ever. You're getting a kid!
This is a horrible... Together:
And you're getting a kid! And you're getting a kid!
Alright, alright. Hi. [ Chuckles ] How far along is everybody?
Far? [ Laughter ] Is there any accidents here,
or are they all planned? [ Laughter ] What the [bleep]
is he talking about? Q: Okay.
Breathing techniques. My name's Brian Quinn. I'm a -- I'm a --
a breathing expert, and I learned that in --
in India. Murr: [ Laughs ] You can't walk
2 feet in India without somebody grabbing
you and being like, "Hey, man, relax.
Calm down, man." Sal: This isn't Jamaica.
What -- Jamaica? [ Laughter ] "Relaxing through labor. Demonstration."
Wait. What? Yeah, you're gonna demonstrate
how to relax through labor, bud. -"Oh, Stephanie."
-Stephanie? ♪♪ This is your real
punishment. [ Laughter ] This device simulates
the pains of childbirth. [ Laughter ] So, what I'm gonna do -- I'm gonna place the pads
on your abdomen, and it's gonna contract
your muscles just like during labor, like a baby's about
to come out.
Okay. [ Laughter ] There's eight levels
of intensity. Look at his face!
[ Laughter ] So, we're gonna put it
on level 1, and it's as if
your water just broke. [ Beeps ] -[ Laughs ]
-Tell them how to relax, buddy. God.
The key is to remain calm. Don't tell somebody,
"Go [bleep] yourself"! Don't... [ Laughter ] ♪♪ You got to relax through this.
I think -- I think... we should
give a minute... Dude...
See? So, that's like what
contractions feel like, huh? [ Laughter ] [ Beeps ] Alright. So, now we're gonna
go up to level 2, okay? That was level 1!
That was level 1. [Bleep] you guys. Okay. Alright. I mean, it's bearable,
obviously --
[ Beeps ] I can do it because
I'm [bleep] doing it. That little son of a bitch
into the world, clawing his way
towards your genit-- right through
your genitalia. Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ] [Bleep] How do you girls do this? [ Laughter ] What level is this?!
What level is this?! -This is 8.
-8?! This is 8?! [ Beeps ] Okay. [ Laughter ] [ Beeps ] Oh, my God. Oh. [ Grunts ] Aah.
Oh, yeah! So -- ohh! [ Laughter ] Aah! Steph... Just...
cut the... [bleep] baby out. Just get this stinking
baby out of me! [ Laughter ] [ Beeps ] Aah!
Remember to breathe! Aah! Oh [bleep] Ohh! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, I'm begging you. Aah! Okay, okay! Why is --
What is wrong with you?! [ Breathes deeply ] Alright, that's it.
You just had your baby. [ Laughter ]
