- Live from your first marriage, it's Ireland Baldwin. - Whoa! - [Announcers] Ron Burgundy, Demi Moore, The President of Hollywood. (Heidi Klum smooching) (audience laughing and cheering) (bright, upbeat music) - This next roaster is a surprise, and Alec, you are in for such a treat. Live from your first marriage,
it's Ireland Baldwin. - Whoa! (audience clapping and cheering) (light rock music) (audience and Alec whooping) - Hi dad. I'm Ireland. (all laughing) It's good to be here. I almost didn't even know about it because I haven't checked my
voicemails from my dad from the last, like,
12 years? Or something? (audience laughing) I actually have a lot in
common with the people on this roast because like them, I don't really know you that well either. (audience laughing) Well, a lot of people know my dad as that guy from the
Mission Impossible movies, or that guy from 30 rock. I know him as "That Guy" from like, half of my birthday parties? (audience laughing and groaning) (Alec laughing sarcastically) By the way, "Mission
Impossible" is what I call getting my dad to apologize. (audience clapping and groaning) A lot of people only know
my dad as an angry guy, but he's more than some
lunatic who loses his temper. He also loses Emmy's, and Oscars... and custody of his
first-born child, am I right? Shit.
(audience laughing) But listen, let me just
set the record straight; He was a great dad. I still remember when he would tuck me in and yell me a bedtime story. My absolute favorite, and his favorite, "The Three Little Thoughtless Pigs." (audience cheering) Dad, your "Always Be Closing" speech and Glengarry Glen Ross was great. At least you taught
someone their ABCs, right? It hasn't been easy being the daughter of an iconic movie star, but I'm not here to talk about my mother. (audience cheering loudly) Or her Oscar. (audience whooping) I'm here to talk to you, Dad, finally, without a court-appointed social worker! (audience laughing)
It's so nice! That we can do that, that's so sweet. It's okay, I turned out fine, I've been modeling, which a really fun gig. Honestly, it's just nice for a Baldwin to be on a runway without starting beef with American airlines. (audience laughing) I was so surprised, (laughing)
(audience laughing loudly) I was so surprised when I heard
about that plane incident. I mean, why would you even start shit with the one place that's
still playing your movies? (audience laughing and cheering) It's nice to see some new faces... and some older faces... and some newly reconstructed faces. (audience laughing and cheering) A lot of people don't know this, but when I was a kid, Caitlyn Jenner was my middle school track coach. You taught me to jump over
the greatest hurdle of all, which is my father's approval. (Alec laughing sarcastically) (audience laughing) Do you know what it's like having a gold-medal athlete as your track coach? Blake, you get it right? You've disappointed a
Jenner that's completely out of your league.
(audience laughing) - Did he really date your daughter? - Yeah!
- He did? (audience laughing) You should have married her and now you're never gonna get a ring. (audience groaning) - I got this one. - It's good to be here,
but would have been nice to have the whole family here. Unfortunately, Comedy
Central couldn't arrange for this roast to be held in 1997. (audience laughing) Oh, wait! And speaking of things that weren't held in 1997... (audience laughing and cheering) But seriously, Dad, I'm so proud of you. You're a wonderful father
and an amazing actor, and I'm thrilled to be here to
see you celebrate it tonight. After all the years of
giving verbal abuse, it's finally time you receive some. (audience laughing and cheering) So before I leave, I'd just like to say something you've
never said to me... Goodnight.
(audience and Alec laughing) - Ladies and gentlemen, I would give an introduction
but I don't need to. Ron Burgundy. (band jazz music) (audience cheering and
clapping enthusiastically) (audience whooping) - Listen, people, listen! Listen! I don't have a lot of time, all right? I don't have a lot of time I'm... I'm currently...I'm
currently over at stage 24 hosting Spike TV's "Your
Mother's a Fat Bitch" award show. (audience laughing and cheering loudly) Some real clever writing,
great energy over there. Boy, have we got a great gang of talented comics here tonight; we've got Tom Dreesen. Willie Tyler & Lester.
(audience laughing loudly) I didn't realize Lester
was a live human being. Gary Mule Deer. Fannie Flagg.
(audience laughing loudly) Top Notch. Star-studded evening. Listen, I'm just going
to cut to the chase. Justin By-ber, Justin Bieber. (audience laughing loudly) You've been taking it on the chin tonight, you really have. In fact absolutely abused. And I'm just here to say one thing; you people don't know what
the hell you're talking about. As far as I'm concerned,
this guy is doing it right! Here's a couple of things I know. September 1st, 2014, Bieber arrested for a
collision with a minivan in his hometown of
Stratford, Ontario, Canada. And then beat up the occupant
of the minivan, nice work! (audience laughing and clapping) October 18th, 2010, Bieber
accused of assaulting a 12-year-old at a
laser tag arena, kaboom! I only wished the kid was a nine-year-old. March 28th, 2013, Bieber flies into Munich
with his pet monkey, Mally. Doesn't have the proper paperwork. So he leaves it at a zoo... in Germany. It's a monkey. It's named Mally. Don't think twice, you
leave it at a German zoo. (audience laughing loudly) March 4th, 2013, two hours late to a concert in Dubai because he refused to stop playing a video game, say what?! Hocked a lougie at his neighbor
after the guy complained that Bieber was driving
a hundred miles-per-hour in his gated community
neighborhood, eat that bitch! July 10th, 2013 Bieber pees
in a restaurant mop bucket. As he runs off, he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton with a
bottle of blue liquid and yells, "(censor
beeping) Bill Clinton!" (audience laughing) There's not a person in this
room who hasn't done that. You hypocritical assholes! (audience laughing and cheering) This kid has spunk. Moxie. And probably a few other STDs, okay? I've always encouraged
people to stay classy, and what's more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather. Would I love to see Biebs spending time with Oscar Pistorius? Of course I would. But that day will come.
(audience laughing) People refer to Mr. Bieber
as a.. as a kid, or a boy. But here's a newsflash gang; he's a man. A full-grown man. Who works, and loves, and
makes things with his hands. A man who sings songs for nine-year-olds and cuts his hair like
a gay figure skater. (audience laughing loudly) This guy just continues to impress. Is there anything he can't do? In fact, I pulled my pants down and took a big, creamy
shit in the green room because I thought to myself, "That's how the Biebs would do it." Again and again and again. (audience laughing) If anything, Justin Bieber, not only do you need to continue
to live your life with the same reckless abandoned, I
suggest you turn up the heat. Oh, and one last thing. If you're watching from
your monkey cage in Germany, go to bed, Mally. Goodnight. - We actually just got word that a surprise guest has stopped by. (audience cheering) Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore. (upbeat rock music)
(audience cheering loudly) (Bruce Willis whooping) - Surprise! (audience whooping) Thank you. (laughing) Are you surprised? Are you surprised, Bruce Willis? - Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be. I mean, even though I went
over everything yesterday, I knew he'd forget. (audience and Bruce laughing) So for those of you who don't
know me, I'm Demi Moore. (audience cheering loudly) I was married to Bruce
Willis for the first three Diehard movies. Which makes sense, because
the last two sucked. After all these years, I have to say, you know what? You look good. I mean, you still look the
same from the eyebrows up, but we had some great times together. I mean, we shared a lot. I had three beautiful, amazing children. (audience cheering and clapping) Four if you count Bruce. And then there's the dogs and Ashton, so that's like, six, but you know. I mean, and of course, you know, like we did argue over the kids' names and in the end, Bruce won. That's how they got stuck with Willis. (audience laughing loudly) But I have to say, our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, considering two of them
are half Bruce Willis. (audience cheering) But, let me just say! He is a great father, I mean, seriously. I mean, every Christmas, right
after he would have the girls go make him his "special
coffee with medicine" I mean, he would come down the chimney in the wife-beater
t-shirt, waving that gun saying, "Yippi-ki-ye,
Mother (censor beeping)." - Yeah! - I mean, that's what
he's always called them. And they just, they just
love his taglines, I mean... But what you might not
know, Bruce is super, I mean really generous, I mean, when our daughter, Rumer, was a baby and it was his turn to change the diaper in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper, and he'd say, (imitating Bruce Willis)
"I'll give you a thousand dollars right now if
you change that diaper." Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well, the lawyer said, "Don't
worry, we'll take care of it, we'll get it in the end." (audience laughing) And Scout, Scout asked
me not to say anything, but just last week he
offered HER a thousand dollars to change HIS diaper. I mean, you know, some
things never change. I mean, we were married,
let's see...almost 12 years. And that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years. But I was there for some special moments, like groundbreaking. When Bruce was, he got his career-breaking moment in Pulp Fiction. - [Bruce Willis] Yeah. - I mean, it was--
(audience cheering) it seemed really odd at the time. I mean, he's a big action star, like, doing a little indie film. But Bruce went over to
Harvey Weinstein's hotel (audience laughing) and I don't know, he came
back swinging that ball bag. And then he said, "I got the part." I mean, it's funny the
things we do for a part, like I know that I have dyed and cut and styled my hair, I can't
tell you how, a million ways. But not Bruce, I mean,
that's his real hair. (audience laughing) And ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes. (audience laughing and cheering) I mean, I'm not saying
he's bald down there. I'm just saying, whichever place you look, it looks like a dick. (audience laughing) You know, after our divorce, he said that he considered the end of our marriage his biggest failure, but Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself. You have had much bigger failures. I mean, Planet Hollywood, Hudson
Hawk, Striking Distance... C'mon, campaigning for Michael Dukakis? I mean, turning down
Clooney's role in Oceans 11 to focus on playing the
harmonica? I mean... I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two hour show, so... But you know, when I look
back over all the years that we've had together,
we've certainly had our ups and downs, but I have to say, those were some of the
best times of my life. I just look at our marriage
like the Sixth Sense. You were dead the whole time. (audience laughing and clapping) All kidding aside,
truly, all kidding aside. I'm really honored to be here. You are someone I truly care about. You will always have a
special place in my heart. I'm so grateful that you're in my life and our children's lives. And no matter what you
will always be family. You've been a great
friend, a great father, and easily one of my top three husbands. (audience cheering and clapping) Thank you! Goodnight. - We are very excited,
and I'm just gonna say it, honored to introduce our next roaster. He's responsible, not just for my career, but for every single person's
career in this entire room. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The President of Hollywood. (bright, upbeat band music) (audience cheering and clapping) - Hello everybody. Hello, hello everybody. Before I start, I just want I say to everyone up here, you're welcome. In no other place but Hollywood could these 10 people make the
kind of money they make, and sleep with the kind
of people they sleep with. Seth Rogan. You're welcome, you hairy canuck. (audience laughing) I, Hollywood, made the world accept you. I put you on a movie poster and I said, "Deal with it." (audience laughing) And then I put Barbera
Streisand on that poster and the world said, "NO." (audience laughing loudly) The Guilt Trip! Listen, if I wanted to watch two ugly Jews weaving through traffic, I'd
watch Seinfeld's web series. (audience laughing and groaning) And Jonah, I'm assuming
you're here because Seth is? People call me all the time and they say, "Hollywood, do we really
need two of these guys?" But I own you, Jonah, I fuckin' own you. If I try to buy you on
iTunes, it would say, "Are you sure you wanna purchase? Because you already own this fuck." (audience laughing loudly) (Jewish accent) Andy Samberg. Correct pronunciation... a-sand-a-bay. Looking forward to your new
show, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Funny cops. You're always pushing the envelope, Andy. (audience laughing loudly) What's gonna happen when
you run out of funny crimes like graffiti and pickpockets? Can't wait to see episode 10, when Brooklyn Nine-Nine
has to deal with a rape. (goofy voice) "Oh! I dropped
the rape kit! Shmorgedorn!" (audience laughing) Yeah, that's gonna be fun. Aziz! You're welcome. (Aziz clapping) Aziz, I admire how you've never taken the stereotypical Indian roles. And I just want to tell
you that if you did, you would make so much more money. (audience laughing and clapping) If you came out here right now with crossed eyes, playing a sitar, I would fall on my ass laughing. (audience and Aziz laughing and clapping) But still, what an actor. Such phenomenal range. You're like the Daniel Day
Lewis of only doing one thing. And now I come to you, James Franco. You're welcome. And no one can argue with
your integrity as an actor, from jerking off next to a boulder to sucking a gun like a dick, you are truly the Jimmy Stewart of today. But I know it hasn't always
been easy for you, James. You overcame a crippling
childhood affliction known... as dumb-face.
(audience laughing loudly) But you never let that
interfere with your dream of making dog-shit movies and explicitly gay Gucci ads. You had the Oscars, the Oscars. Look, I don't even watch
the Oscars anymore, but everyone was calling me, "The kid is making a
mockery of your nights!" But you did the impossible, you made me like Anne Hathaway. I made sure she won every
single fuckin' award for that Les Mis, theater camp bullshit because of what you put
her through, you lazy dick. (audience laughing) But things are looking up, yeah, yeah. Your upcoming film, that
you wrote and directed, is an adaptation of William
Faulkner's "As I Lay Dying". Oh.
(audience cheering) Well, I'm very excited for
that, James, and I must say, you know, if you-- (snoring loudly) (audience laughing) It's gonna suck, James. (audience laughing and clapping) I'm worried about you. I'm really fuckin' worried about you. You know how, when people
talk about John Wilkes Booth they go, "You know, he
used to be an actor." I feel like you're going down that road. I just don't know what you're doing. I gave you a chance to be
a movie star, make money, hang out with the spider
guy, and you said, "Nah, I wanna be an artist." Well I'll tell you what I told
Richard Grieco 20 years ago, "Play ball, you squinty fuck, or you will disappear." And poof! He's gone,
and you're next, Franco! So what I need from you, James, are hits. Like when you played the bad guy in 21 Jump Street; oh
wait, that wasn't you. That was your less-retarded
younger brother, Dave. (audience laughing and cheering) (The President chuckling) In closing; gimme hits,
drop the artist shit, and take your money and fuck off. Goodnight, you're welcome. - Hello, Jeff. (Heidi Klum speaking German) - (translating) Hey, it's me, Heidi. (voices overlapping) Yo Jeff, wassup? Check it out, I'm chilling...in
Germany right now, but I wanted to give you
your props on Comedy Central. I said, "Hell, Jeff's my dawg, and that mullet-headed
fool is straight-up funny." Yo, Jeff, remember the
time we was cold lampin' at the club? (Did she say cold lampin'?) (I think she did.) And you was like, "Yo, wanna hear a joke?" And I was like, "Aight." You busted out all that redneck flavor. Man, you got us white people down cold. At least you was smart enough
not to try to get some ass because I know my milkshake
brings all the boys to the yard, but the yard is closed to
chicken-headed crackers. And I think she said,
"Mother (censor beeping)." Oh, you know I'm just playin' dawg. You my...you my man! Peace out, bitch! West-side! (Heidi smooching) (rhythmic jazz music)
