- My beautiful, talented,
compassionate, blond ex-wife. Unfortunately, Heather Locklear
couldn't be here tonight. - I was married to Bruce Willis for the first three
"Die Hard" movies. Which makes sense, because
the last two sucked. - She may not be
the perfect wife. But trust me, she's literally
the worst (beep) ex-wife on the planet. - He actually proposed to me. He gave me a huge rock,
and then he smoked it. (upbeat music)
(audience cheering) - Ladies and
gentlemen, Demi Moore. (upbeat music)
(audience cheering) - Surprise! Thank you. Are you surprised? Are you surprised, Bruce Willis? - Yes.
- Yes, I knew he would be. I mean, even though I went
over everything yesterday. I knew he'd forget. So, for those of you
who don't know me, I'm Demi Moore. (audience cheering) I was married to Bruce Willis for the first three
"Die Hard" movies. Which makes sense, because
the last two sucked. After all these years, I
have to say, you know what? You look good. I mean, you still look the
same from the eyebrows up. But, we had some
great times together. I mean, we shared a lot. I had three beautiful,
amazing children. (audience cheering) Four, if you count Bruce. And then, there's
the dogs in Ashton, so that's like
six, but you know. I mean, and of course, you know, like, we did argue
over the kids' names. And in the end, Bruce won. That's how they got
stuck with Willis. But I have to say, our daughters are
incredibly well-adjusted, considering two of them
are half Bruce Willis. But let me just say,
he is a great father. I mean, seriously. I mean, every Christmas, right
after he would have the girls go make him his special
coffee with medicine, I mean, he would
come down the chimney in the wife-beater
t-shirt, waving that gun, saying, "Yippee-ki-yay,
mother (beep)!" And then, I mean, that's
what he's always called them. And they just love
his tag lines, I mean. But, what might not
know, Bruce is super, I mean, really generous. I mean, when out daughter,
Rumor, was a baby, and it was his turn
to change the diaper in the middle of the night,
he'd lean over and whisper. And he'd say, "I'll give
you $1,000 right now if you change that diaper." Of course, I wouldn't
do it because, well, the lawyer said, "Don't
worry, we'll take care of it. We'll get it in the end." And Scout, Scout asked
me not to say anything, but just last week, he offered her $1,000
to change his diaper. I mean, you know, some
things never change. They don't. I mean, we were married,
let's see, almost 12 years. And that's like 84 in
Bruce Willis years. I mean, it's funny the
things we do for a part. Like, I know that I have dyed,
and cut, and styled my hair, I can't tell you how
many, a million ways. But, not Bruce. I mean, that's his real hair. And ladies, let me tell you,
the carpets match the drapes. (audience cheering) I mean, I'm not saying
he's bald down there. I'm just saying,
whichever place you look, it looks like a dick. You know, after our divorce, he said that he
considered the end of our marriage his
biggest failure. But Bruce, don't be
so hard on yourself. You have had much
bigger failures. I mean, Planet Hollywood,
"Hudson Hawks", "Striking Distance", come on, campaigning for Michael Dukakis? I mean, turning down Clooney's
role in "Ocean's Eleven" to focus on playing
the harmonica? I mean, I could go on, but
they said it's a two-hour show. So, but you know what, I look back over all the
years that we've had together. We've certainly had
our ups and downs. But I have to say, those
were some of the best times of my life. I just look at our marriage
like the "Sixth Sense". You were dead the whole time. All kidding aside,
truly all kidding aside, I'm really honored to be here. You are someone I
truly care about. You will always have a
special place in my heart. I'm so grateful that
you're in my life and our children's lives. And no matter what, you
will always be family. You've been a great
friend, a great father, and easily one of my
top-three husbands. (audience cheering) Thank you, good night. - Here he is, Tommy Lee. (upbeat music)
(audience cheering) - Can I get a big
"hell yeah" for Pamela? (audience cheering) Hi, baby. Now, for the real reason
I came here tonight, to honor my beautiful,
talented, compassionate, blond ex-wife. Unfortunately, Heather Locklear
couldn't be here tonight. So, let's make fun of
Pamela instead, okay? Okay, this is actually
a special time for Pam to be here
because she just turned 38 and her tits just turned 14. Pam, I'll always remember the
very first time that we met. It was at a club in Los Angeles and you spotted me
from across the room. You walked up to me and you
said those magical five words, "I will (beep) any drummer." Pam and I shared one of
history's greatest romances. It's like that book, who am I kidding? I've never read a book. I can barely read
my (beep) tattoos. Okay, well you can't imagine
what it's like coming home to Pam every night. I mean, unless you own an
inflatable doll that nags and pays for your piercings. I'm kidding, baby. I'm so kidding. Pam is the sweetest
person alive. I mean, look how much
she loves animals. The closest thing I've
ever seen her come to animal cruelty was the
time she shaved her pussy. She's always doing cool stuff
to spice up our love life, like the trapeze she
installed in our bedroom. To this day, I
cannot go to a circus without getting a boner. Honestly, I can't go anywhere
without getting a boner. Like I said, Pam, we've
had our ups and downs, mostly in bed, but I'll make
you a deal tonight, okay? I'll forgive you for Kid Rock if you forgive me for
the stripper in Detroit, the twins in Grand Rapids, the blond from the
House of Blues, the brunette from
the House of Blues, and the redhead I'm
meeting later tonight. And of course, Bea Arthur. (audience cheering) Okay Pam, before I leave,
I just wanted to say, you've always been there for me and your spirit and kindness
is an inspiration to me. Like I said 500,000 times
and on that damn sex tape, I (beep) love you, baby. (audience cheering) - Ladies and gentlemen,
Brigitte Nielson. Make some noise for her. (upbeat music)
(audience cheering) - Hi, everybody. How are you? I'm here to set
the record straight between I, myself, and Flav. I mean, like, people
ask me all the time, did you actually
find Flav attractive? I wouldn't know, I've only
seen the top of his head. But you know, thank you. When we were dating, you know, I started calling
him Foofie Foofie. He was calling me Vita. And my parents stopped
calling me completely. Yeah, not a good scene,
not a good scene. Well actually I should say,
Flav has done something for me that Sylvester
Stallone never did. He stole my car, yeah, yeah. You may have heard that thing
that black guys got these, like, big penises. Uh-huh, don't believe that hype. All right, okay. Because I'll tell you something. You better listen up here, okay? Because Flav's penis,
all right, is tiny. It's black. It's cute. It's like Katt Williams,
but even funnier, you know? Something like that, yeah. Do you know how disturbing it is to have a man yell
yeah boy during sex? Oh, I kept telling
him, Foofie Foofie, you're not in jail anymore. Right, honey? Flavor, he's a
romantic guy, too. So, he actually proposed to me, and he gave me a huge rock. And then he smoked it. Yeah, not good, not good. And of course you all know,
I broke Foofie's heart when I rejected him. But, he just doesn't know
what a lucky man he is because this is not only
about love, I gave him fame. And I got him a show, yeah. But, I'm a nice, big momma. I got all his little
prostitutes a show, too, yeah. You're welcome,
ladies, you're welcome. Thank you. Anyway, so Flav, Foofie
Foofie, William Drake, Mr. F, you are my soulmate. You remember when we said that we were
always gonna be soulmates? I hope it's gonna be
like that forever. I don't care what you
guys (beep) think, okay? I love you and I love you, too. Thank you so very much. - Ladies and
gentlemen, Tom Arnold. (audience cheering) - Oh shit, she's right beside
me, isn't she? Oh shit. You know, hi. We have not been in the
same room for over 18 years. And, you know, yeah.
- Yay! - I'm not here to tear
Roseanne a new one because quite frankly,
I've seen the old one and it is spectacular. Could use a little paint,
maybe a couple plants in the corners, a
wicker loveseat. But trust me, that
baby is move-in ready. Trust me. Why am I here? Well, I'm here to honor Roseanne and I'm here because I (beep)
earned it, man, the hard way. Have any of you guys
ever wrestled her? Huh? I have. Has she sent any of you
guys over to Paramount to beat up Arsenio Hall
for making fat jokes? I did, right? How many of you have
been arrested at LAX for defending her singing? This guy right here. Have you ever had her
pull a knife on you for spitting on
her diet cookies? Yes, yes. That's right.
- Nah, nah. - Have you ever been
sucker punched in the face by her purse in
front of Bob Hope at his freaking
90th birthday party? Yes.
- Nah. - Yes, you did. Yes, it's true. At one time, we were
obviously very, very close. When I was with Roseanne, and
she's talked about this a lot, she had 27 personalities and
only two of them liked me. And one of those was a
small German boy, and, Rosie and I were
once inseparable. We lived together. We worked together. We even got tattoos together. You remember. I got Rosie's face
tattooed on my chest. And believe me, it is
hard to get a woman to have sex with
you when Roseanne is
(beep) staring at her. It's the truth. It's even harder to masturbate. You know Rosie, this is true, she actually had "Property
of Tom Arnold" tattooed on her hip, which made me the
fourth largest property owner in California. Now that I'm allegedly sober and we're both in
stable relationships, I want you to know,
Rosie, there's no reason to be jealous of
my wife, Ashley. She's tall, and thin, and wasn't even born
when we were married. Plus, I've learned from
your biggest mistake. I made her sign a prenup. That was so good. (audience cheering) Whoa. I just wanted to say something
about your boyfriend, Johnny. Johnny, I want to
say this to you, man. No matter what, you got
to stay with this woman. She may not be the perfect
wife, but trust me, she's literally the worst
fucking ex-wife on the planet. Literally! You do not want to be a
guy lying on his couch with a date and hear
how small your dick is on "Saturday Night Live", and then, "The View", and
then "CNN", and "Al Jazeera". She holds a grudge, people! You know recently,
Roseanne got in trouble for accidentally wishing cancer
on Chick-Fil-A customers. But, accidentally.
(audience cheering) But you guys can all relax. If she had the power to
wish cancer on anyone, I would've been
(beep) dead in 94. You know, I met
Roseanne 30 years ago. You know, remember that?
- Is that right? - Yeah, about 30 years ago. And the first time
I saw you perform, I knew you were one
of the great ones. And when I got off
stage, you said to me, you sure are a funny
son of a bitch. And I said, thanks, you
want to do some blow? And we stole the MC's car and
we disappeared for three days. You remember that? And so began our very
own white trash Camelot, for one brief shining moment.
