(upbeat music) - It's an honor to be at a
roast hosted by Shaq's dick. (audience laughs) Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here. If I was 38, I'd be
freaking out right now. (audience laughs) You might know Ludacris from your mom's "That's What I Call Music" CD. (audience laughs) Come on, let's hear it for Shaq. Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario. (audience laughs) Please don't eat me. Shaq has shattered eight
backboards and 79 cervixes. Snoop's son just got
accepted to play Division One college football. (audience cheers) So Snoop Dogg found out he has a son. (audience laughs) And now speaking of someone
who probably doesn't know he has a son, Justin Bieber is here. Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9/11, and I always regretted
growing up without a dad, until I met your dad, Justin. Now I'm glad mine's dead. (audience laughs) And now for the greatest transition in the history of comedy, two people from the movie
"Soul Plane" are here. "Soul Plane" was the worst
experience of my life involving a plane. (audience laughing) - There is a lot of star power up here. These men combined have made millions in child support payments. (audience laughs) Kevin does all of his own stunts. He climbs into his own chair. He goes up on his wife. (audience laughs) You know, a lot of people don't know this, Shaquille is an Arabic name for handsome, and O'Neal is the Irish
word for just kidding. (audience laughs) Shaq's dick is so big, he has to use Dropbox to send a dick pic. (audience laughs) I'm excited, Snoop's here. Snoop, look like Shaq's skeleton. (audience laughs) All these rappers onstage and Martha Stewart has
done the most jail time. (audience laughs) - That's not fair. - Justin Bieber, everybody. Seems like only yesterday you
were discovered on YouTube. Time flies when you're a piece of shit. Justin, Selena Gomez had to (beep) you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history. (audience laughs) - In case you didn't know
I'm Shaquille O'Neal, Shaq Diesel, and Martha
Stewart's baby daddy. (audience cheers) And trust me, Martha know how
to work that mother(beep), boy let me tell you. Once you go Shaq, you never go back, ain't that right, Martha? But I'm not the only baller here tonight. What's up, Snoop?
(audience cheers) - How you doin', baby? - Snoop made a reggae album. If you're a rap fan, you may not have it. But if you're a reggae a fan, I know you don't (beep) have it. (audience laughs) Justin, as a father of six,
you gotta straighten up, son. You know, last year you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-un didn't have a score that low, and he uses your music
to (beep) torture people. But thanks to that music, Justin
is worth over $200 million, and in prison four packs of Kools. (audience laughs) Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf. Why you gotta bring Jesus in your mess? That man has suffered enough. (audience laughs) - I know you're all wondering
why I'm here tonight. It's because Martha Stewart
changes people's lives for the better. I believe the bedroom is
the most important room in the house, but I don't have to
tell you that, Ludacris, you have three kids with
three different women. May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some
fine, highly absorbent, Martha Stewart linens? (audience laughs) Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably
ends up in prison. The first thing you'll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail
comb and a pack of gum. (audience laughs) I found Bubblicious works best
and it's so much fun to say. (audience laughs) You see when I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of
Martha Stewart's ass, so I walk into the chow hall, picked out the biggest
bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on prison was easier
than making blueberry scones. (audience laughs) Shaq, I hope your mom
doesn't still hold a grudge. (audience laughs) So, Justin, my final piece
of advice is call me. (audience cheers)
Or not (indistinct) - I don't need no warm up,
I been smoking and drinking, and I feel real good about myself. (audience applauds) Justin's life changed when
Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes approved
that Usher ain't black. (audience laughs) Now, Justin, most niggas like myself, we go a little crazy when we get famous. But nigga you bought a monkey. (audience laughs) I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started
the AIDS epidemic. (audience laughs) - Is amazing to have
Kevin Hart and Shaq here. Is this a roast or is this
"Tyler Perry's Of Mice and Men?" (audience laughs) Shaq's a very unique
player in NBA history. The first player in NBA history to have shoe size, IQ, and jersey all be the same number. (audience laughs) Shaq is a police officer in Florida. If you wanna escape from Shaq, just jog slowly away from him, and he'll fall eventually. Snoop is here, Snoop
Dogg, Snoop D.O. Double G. Snoop was like a cool-ass salamander. Snoop, the only way you'll get another hit is if you stand behind Suge
Knight's car in a parking lot. (audience laughs) It's good to see Comedy
Central diversifying its talent with whatever race Pete Davidson is. He just look weird. You're just real vague, man. Weird, vague-ass face and I don't like it. (audience laughs) Seem like a nice person, but when I talked to you I don't have fun. And now the man of the
hour, Justin Bieber. They said if you roast the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man. I'm just here 'cause this is a real
good opportunity for me. (audience laughs) I hate your music, man. I hate your music more than
Bill Cosby hates my comedy. (audience laughs) - Listen, I don't have a
lot of time, all right? I'm currently over at Stage 24 hosting Spike TV's "Your
Mother's a Fat Bitch Award Show." (audience laughs) As far as I'm concerned,
this guy is doing it right. (audience applauds) Here's a couple of things I know. October 18th, 2010, Bieber accused of assaulting a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena. Kaboom! March 4th, 2013, two hours
late to a concert in Dubai because he refused to
stop playing a video game. Say what? If anything, not only
do you need to continue to live your life with
the same reckless abandon, I suggest you turn up the heat. - Look, I'm new to comedy,
but here's a joke, all right? What do you get when you
give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling
you a lesbian for two hours. (audience laughs) All right, all right, I'm playing. Kevin is so short, he
calls Lil Wayne, Wayne. (audience laughs) I love Kevin Hart's career plan. Do everything Martin
Lawrence did only shittier. (audience laughs) And, Martha, thanks for coming. I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore. (audience laughs) Luda. Luda and I had a lot of hours making the song, "Baby," together. In fact, he told me it was the only baby he ever made on purpose.
(audience laughs) Snoop Doggy Dogg. What's up, man? He's way too shy to admit this, but he was actually the
Billboard's top male artist the year I was born. And look at you now, Snoop. Your one of the 10 dudes at my roast sitting right next to Martha
Stewart and that Hannibal guy. How cool is this? So cool. You made it.
(audience laughs) (audience cheers) (upbeat music) - Many of you might not know this, but Seth Rogen has a writing
and directing partner named Evan Goldberg. What is this other guy look like that you're the face of the operation? (audience laughs) I assume he's like a sweaty, Orthodox Jew, eating a pastrami sandwich. "Hey, Sethy, I added nine
dick jokes on page four. "And I was thinking that
the guys are friends "and then they're not friends, "and then at the end of the
movie they're friends again. "And also they should smoke
a lot of ganja, Sethy." Lisa Lampanelli is here. Oh, I'm sorry that's Jeff Ross. Jonah Hill, you know, a lot of people are gonna touch on your
weight tonight, Jonah, but not enough people
are going to talk about what an asshole you've become. Quick reminder that if
at any point tonight James fully opens his eyes, there will be six more weeks of summer. (audience laughs) - Sarah Silverman, everyone's
like, she's hot for a comic, but I don't agree, 'cause she's not just hot for a comic, she's hot for someone her age. - That's right. - Seriously, Sarah, you are
my favorite comic as a kid. And then there's a, there's Jeff Ross, who's gonna fucking kill me later. (audience laughs) I never gave you this compliment before, but you're actually the reason I decided to become successful. I saw what you became and it scared the living shit out of me. But seriously, guys, can you please pick up after yourselves? It's gonna make Jeff's life a lot easier. Aziz, Natasha, Nick Kroll, I'm assuming you guys are
James' friends from high school. But I think that is so dope that you guys are willing to get up here, even though no one knows
who the fuck you guys are. - Can't tell if this is the dais or the line to suck Judd Apatow's balls. (Seth laughs) Right before the show started,
Seth roll to gigantic fatty, because that was the only way we could get Jonah hill onto the stage. Jonah actually gained
50 pounds for his role in the new Martin Scorsese film, because the producers wanted the character to be a Jonah Hill-type. - We are very excited, and
I'm just going to say honored, to introduce our next roaster. He's responsible, not just for my career, but for every single person's
career in this entire room, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the President of Hollywood. (upbeat music)
(audience applauds) - Before we start, I just
wanna say to everyone up here, you're welcome. In no other place but
Hollywood could these 10 people make the kind of money they make, and sleep with the kind
of people they sleep with. Seth Rogen, I put you on a movie poster and I said, "Deal with it."
(audience laughs) And then I put Barbra
Streisand on that poster and the world said, "No." Listen, if I wanted to watch two ugly Jews weaving through traffic
I'd Seinfeld's web series. And, Jonah, I'm assuming
you're here because Seth is. People call me all the time and they say, "Hollywood, do we really
need two of these guys?" Jeff Ross, hi, I'm Hollywood,
we haven't met before. (audience laughs) Sorry we haven't been
able to do anything yet. Like Enterprise rental
car on Christmas day, I do not have a vehicle for you. Now I come to you, James Franco. I know it hasn't always
been easy for you, James. You overcame a crippling
childhood affliction known as dumb face. But you never let that
interfere with your dream of making dog shit movies. I just don't know what you're doing. I gave you a chance to be
a movie star, make money, hang out with the spider guy, and you said, "Nah, I wanna be an artist." Well I'll tell you what I told
Richard Grieco 20 years ago, "Play ball, you squinty fuck. - Jonah Hill, I loved
you as a baseball analyst in "Moneyball," and I love you as Rosie
O'Donnell in real life. Jonah was born and raised in
Hollywood, and you can tell, he's a name dropper with big
tits and an eating disorder. (audience laughs) Andy's comedy group is
called The Lonely Island, which is how each of his teeth feel. Nick Kroll, your fan must
be so excited you're here. No, Nick, I love "Kroll Show." You are amazing at characters. You're like a chameleon, in that you have hideous
skin and bulging eyes. Sarah Silverman's had
more ugly men inside her than Comic-Con. Kim Kardashian is here. Oh, that's Aziz, sorry. I get them confused, they're
both brown narcissists riding Kanye's dick.
(audience laughs) James Franco. Acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography,
soundtracks, editing. Is there anything you can do? Now at first I wasn't sure
why James would do this roast. And then I saw "Spring
Breakers" and I was like, oh, he'll do anything.
(audience laughs) James has a new reality show coming out on the Ovation network, wow. Finally, something so awful
that even TLC was like, "Nah, we're good." - Wow, look at this dais, a
word I knew before tonight, someone must've told the
producer that this was a panel of Kenny Rogers roasters, 'cause you guys are a bunch of chickens. Thank you. It's a chicken based
restaurant, I researched that. The lovely Sarah Silverman is here. I hate to break it to you, Sarah, but you're getting older. And you know who else is getting older? My mom, I'm scared
she's going to die soon. What's that going to be like? Roasted Sarah. 'Kay, who's my next victim? Natasha Leggero is here. She's she's basically a complete unknown, but tonight we're getting
paid the same amount of money. (audience laughs) Here's one, Nick Kroll, Bill Hader, and Seth Rogen walked into a bar. They're there to pick me up, 'cause I'm an alcoholic who
can't manage my feelings. Nailed you fuckers, suck a butt. Uh, is there a barista here? 'Cause this rose just got dark. My good friend, Aziz Ansari's here. Aziz's parents are from India
and he's from South Carolina. Hey Aziz, what's it like to
have a unique perspective on what it means to be
American, you bag of shit? Jonah is so dumb, that when he had me
over for a dinner party, I overstayed my welcome and
he pretended to be tired so I would leave without
getting my feelings hurt. You a passive aggressive,
sweetheart, Jonah. Expect letters, County Central. If you don't want controversy, you shouldn't have invited the king. (audience laughs) Here's a fun fact, James Franco has a tiny dick. James' dick is so small that
I had to suck it for like, three hours just to get him hard. And then he got way bigger. Like, scary, big. I was like, you want me to
do what will that? (laughs) Hey guys, can you try and
settle down out there? I'm trying to roast up here. I don't go down to your job and knock James Franco's
dick out of my mouth. You never take me anywhere, James. (audience laughs) So these are classic roast jokes. Jeff Ross knows what I'm talking about, you melting hippo. Look, you guys, this has been great. Let's always remember this. - I do think one day
Jonah will win an Oscar, Meyer hot dog eater of
the millennium award. (audience laughs) Also, I think it's so
cool that some of you guys were able to travel back in time to 1995 for those Indian jokes you did. That's so cool. So many gay jokes tonight. Wow, so many gay jokes about Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well-dressed, and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you
guys are so aggressively, fat and dirty?
(audience laughs) You think if you read one
book and take a shower, dicks are just gonna fly into your face? Franco, I don't know you that well, but I'm glad you had me here. And later tonight, I'm looking
forward to you coming up here and doing what you do best, being mildly funny reading material Seth Rogen has written for you. Thank you guys very much. - They say I'm a pretty boy, and you don't know how painful that is. I'm always typecast as the same guy. You know, the handsome wizard
and handsome meth dealer, and handsome, clumsy, amputee hiker. (audience laughs) Just once I'd like to play
some of the diverse roles that Nick Kroll gets, like
the rat faced attorney. (audience laughs) All right, so you guys
think I'm pretentious. Well, James Franco addressed
James Franco being pretentious in his book "James Franco." But it's not just me. Look at how full of
himself Jonah has become since his Oscar nomination. Don't forget where you came from, pal. Sure, you're buddies with
Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum, but I was your first handsome friend. Before you get too cocky, remember I was there in "This is the End" when you're getting brutally
ass rammed by that demon. We both know the only way the
demon could keep his erection was because he was thinking about me. So all night I've had to sit here and listen to everyone's jokes, pretending to be amused by them, but in reality the joke's on all of you. This is not a roast. This is my greatest, most
elaborate, art installation ever. (audience applauds) I'm not the real guest of honor. These aren't real comedians, and we're not even on a real network. (audience laughs) What you've seen tonight
with my brilliant opus, to sequester an artistic visionary, and subject him to the
mindless incoherent trashings of a scattering of miscreated,
talentless, abnormalities. I call it "Genius Unscathed," and this is my masterpiece.
(audience applauds) There's only one thing missing. My signature. (audience cheers) That says James Franco, bitches. (audience applauds) Thank you, good night. (upbeat music) - For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction, but he cured it by getting less famous. (audience laughs) It's not easy being Rob. He said being so handsome
made it difficult for him to find meaningful roles. I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that, but he was too busy acting
in meaningful roles. (audience laughs) Rob was great on "The West Wing." You remember that show? (audience applauds) I assume your pal, Charlie
Sheen, helped you with that, he's used to working with aides. (audience groans)
White House aides. What did you, oh. You guys, Peyton Manning,
is here physically. (audience cheers) Now, come on, we love Peyton Manning. We're lucky to have him tonight. I'll never forget Peyton's career. Sadly, he will. Pete Davidson. Pete's dad never got to see him on SNL because he passed away on 9/11. Pete's mom has never seen him on SNL because she blinks.
(audience laughs) Is Pete white? Is he black? Ann Coulter needs to
know so she can decide if she hates him.
(audience laughs) Pete, I actually thought you were black, but I guess you just have
your dad's ashy skin. - Ann Coulter is here, everybody. Ann Coulter, if you're here, who scaring the crows away from our crops? (audience laughs) You know, Ann describes
herself as a polemicist. But most people call a her (beep). You know, last year we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets and
now we have Ann Coulter who cuts eye holes in them. (audience laughs) Anyway, Jewel's is here. Jewel, I won't make fun of you yet, 'cause I want to give everyone at home time to Google who you are. (audience laughs) My mom really wanted me
to get you to sign this. I don't know what the (beep) it is. If it's a phone it's broken, but she'd really appreciate
if you could sign this. My mom came here to see you, so yeah. Let's hear it for Rob Lowe, okay? Right?
(audience applauds) Rob Lowe, or as gonorrhea doctors
call him, Patient Zero. (audience laughs) People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that's only because they
never saw him tell his wife he didn't (beep) that nanny. (audience laughs) - Jewel is here, or as I call her, Trailer Swift. (audience laughs) Jewel, I do not want to bad
mouth you since God already did. No. I think your smile is cute. I feel like your teeth
are like the Spice Girls. You know, they're all different colors and they're like doing their own thing. So that's fun.
(audience laughs) - Oh my god. (laughs) - And without fuhrer ado, Ann Coulter. (audience laughs) Oh, Ann, what's it like to
be a real life super villain? I'd asked you how you sleep at night, but I'd assume just upside down
in a robe of 101 dalmatians. Ann Coulter has written 11 books. 12, if you count Mein Kampf. (audience laughs)
Yes. Ann's been called things
like a racist, antisemitic, homophobic, a white supremacist, and that's just while
getting plowed by Bill Maher. (audience laughs) The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave. (audience applauds) - I do want to say, first
of all, as a feminist, I can't support everything that's being said up here tonight, but as somebody that hates Ann
Coulter, I'm delighted, so. (audience applauds) David Spade, amazingly has
slept with some of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood, proving just how ugly show
business makes women feel. (audience laughs) And Ralph Macchio is here. Who doesn't love Ralph Macchio? Bill collectors, and actual karate
masters, and I don't know, real actors and Italians. You know, people.
(audience laughs) And Peyton Manning is here because Eli is still out
there making his dad proud. (audience laughs) - Pete Davidson's ugly.
(audience laughs) He's actually going on
his third year of SNL. It's been a while since
I've been there, of course, but you gotta help me out now, is it the fourth year that they finally let you see an orthodontist?
(audience laughs) Jacked up teeth! Fix that shit. Jimmy Carr's got better
teeth and he's British. (audience laughs) Fun fact, Ann Coulter has a big angry bush. No joke, that's just a fun fact. (audience laughs) Rob's played many wonderful
characters in film. Recently he played JFK in
the movie "Killing Kennedy." Jesus Christ, hasn't that
family suffered enough? (audience laughs) Grassy knoll. But not as grassy as Ann
Coulter's big angry bush. Instant callback.
(audience laughs) And who can forget "Parks and Rec," where Rob played a guy who
misused the word literally. Correct use of the word
would be something like, I don't know, Rob Lowe has literally had sex
with everyone in this room, except Ann Coulter because her
bush is literally too angry. Yes, three-peat. It's a three-peat! They said I couldn't do it, but I did it. I've nailed Ann Coulter's
bush three times! (audience applauds) - David Spade, our host this
evening, doing a fabulous job. (audience applauds) David is perhaps best known for his work with comedy legend Chris Farley. (audience applauds) Tragically, Chris Farley
died when his heart stopped due to a lethal combination
of heroin, cocaine, and the stress of carrying David Spade through two movies.
(audience laughs) Nikki Glaser is here one of my favorites. On Nikki's Comedy
Central show, "Not Safe," she found out her father
is hung like a horse, and we found out Nikki inherited her face from her dad's dick. Pete Davidson's here. I'm appalled that people would come here and make jokes about the
sacrifice Pete's heroic father made on 9/11. This is not the roast of
Pete Davidson's father. That was in 2001.
(audience groans) - Oh, that was dope.
- Wow. Wow.
(audience applauding) - Ann Coulter. Here we go.
(audience laughs) Ann Coulter is one of the
most repugnant, hateful, hatchet face bitches alive, but it's not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself.
(audience laughs) - It's 56 days to Halloween, but I see that Ann Coulter's already in her skeleton costume. People ask why is Ann
Coulter here tonight? Answer because the right to
lifers wanted everyone to see what an abortion looks like up close. (audience laughs) And you know, Ann, after
seeing your set tonight, I think we've all
witnessed the first bombing that you can't blame on a Muslim. (audience laughs) Jimmy Carr, born to Irish
Catholic parents, raised Catholic, Jimmy first knew he was funny at age nine, when he made his priest laugh so hard that cum shut out of his nose. (audience laughs) - That's good. - As I sat here tonight
being constantly reminded of my shortcomings surrounded
by this cast of mutants, I'm sorry, Ann, racist mutants. (audience laughs) It hit me, I didn't hit rock bottom 26 years ago. I hit rock bottom an hour and a half ago. The (beep) did I end up here? (audience laughs) - As you all know, I followed
in my father's footsteps, but, David, you forged a path on your own. I know you wanted to follow
in your dad's footsteps, but he snuck out of the house so carefully he didn't leave any tracks. (audience laughs) - Peyton! - Peyton Manning bringing it. He's bringing it. - I just realized that I
am not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all know earlier this year Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby. (audience laughs)
(Ann muffled by audience) Congrats on that, Ann, great job. But I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I have no idea who the rest
of you guys up here are. I mean, I've been sitting up tonight with all these folks that
no one's ever heard of, thinking to myself, did I just get traded to
the Jacksonville Jaguars? (audience laughs) - Yes, yes! (audience applauding)
(upbeat music) - Don't worry, Alec, nothing said here tonight will be meaner than what you left on
your daughter's voicemail. (audience laughs) Of course, Alec's true passion
has always been the theater. Alec loves to hit the stage
because it can't press charges. (audience laughs) Alec used to be a belligerent drunk before he became belligerent sober person. (audience laughs) It's true. Alec had a substance
abuse problem in the past, but he worked through it, and it hasn't done anything
of substance in 20 years. Now, Alec, sit back, unclench your fists, and I promise this will
be the funniest thing you've ever been a part of that Tina Fey didn't carry you through.
(audience laughs) - Robert DeNiro is here.
(audience cheers) Looking like Alf. I can't even believe I
get to share this stage with you tonight. Robert DeNiro. And by this stage, I mean
the final one of your life, (audience laughs) I'm sorry. I don't feel right about any of this. Caitlyn Jenner, I just wanna
thank you for all you've done for the trans movement and
the size 16 stiletto industry. (audience laughs) You were such an incredible athlete. People forget just how fast you once ran from your first family to
go be on a reality show. (audience applauds) - I like that one. - Seriously though, I know
being a new mom is hard, but even Casey Anthony
knows the current location of her daughter.
(audience laughing) Caitlyn, I know you've
only publicly identified as a woman for a few years, but I just want you to know
that I know that deep down you've always been a.
(audience laughs) I spell it with a K though, for you. (audience laughs) I'm such a fan of the Baldwins. I've never been so sure that four people have buried a hooker together. (audience laughs) In all seriousness, I want to thank Alec. In his memoir he bravely admitted that he had once considered suicide. And I just want to say
that that meant a lot to me because I have also
considered your suicide, and I have some ideas.
(Alec laughs) I even know what I'm going to wear. - Larry Bird is here, I
mean, Nikki Glaser is here. (audience laughs) - That hurts, Blake, that hurts. (audience applauding) - You know, the only
difference between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser is Larry
could actually pass his 33. - Devastating. - Caroline Rhea from
"Sabrina" is here, give it up. (audience applauds) But Caroline, if you're here,
that means Salem the cat must've turned this down, huh? Sorry, Mr. DeNiro, we know how much you
love that black pussy. (audience applauds) Caitlyn Jenner is here.
(audience cheers) Caitlyn completed her
gender reassignment in 2017. Finally confirming that
no one in that family wants a white dick.
(audience laughs) - Alec, where are your brothers tonight? God knows they're not working. (Alec laughs) Let's face it, no one wants to be here. The person who went to
the greatest lengths to not show up tonight was Bruce Jenner. (audience laughs) Caitlyn Jenner, proof that
older women in Hollywood get fewer parts. Dr. Ken Jeong is here. Yes. Did you become a doctor so
you can find your own penis? Because God knows no one
else was looking for it. No. Speaking of shrimp, I saw your special on Netflix and did not know they filmed open mics. (Ken laughs) Nikki Glaser, it has been
driving me crazy all night. Which 1970s male Olympian
did you used to be? Nikki, you were an inspiration
on "Dancing with the Stars." I had no idea you were deaf. (audience laughs) On your TV show you asked your parents if they had ever done anal. And of course they said, "After Nikki was born, we only did anal." (audience laughs) - Blake, you look like
nine different races, all working together to make sure you never win a championship. (audience laughs) Hey, Caitlyn. You goddamn hypocrite. You're against gay marriage,
you voted for Trump. You like the Auntie Tom
of the trans community. (audience laughs) I mean, okay.
(audience applauding) You did open the door for trans people, but then you ran in and
slammed that shit shut behind your flat ass. (audience laughs) Robert DeNiro, baby! It's an honor to be up here with you, man. Robert, man, you've given us
many amazing performances, "Goodfellas," "Awakenings," but tonight, man, it's going
to be the best one yet. It's going to be the old Italian man, trying to figure out trans pronouns in front of a live studio audience. (audience laughs) - Ken Jeong, is it true,
your wife's name is Tran Ho? Oh, I wanna meet her. I can't wait. I'll also want to say
hello to Kendall's ex. You don't even have to say his
name, it's just Kendall's ex. Anyway, Blake Griffin, Blake. Los Angeles to Detroit. Let me tell you, I can tell you a thing or
two about switching teams. (Nikki laughs) You're a nice boy. It didn't work out between the two of you. If you're always kind of
welcome to come over to my home and know that you're the second
best athlete in the house. (audience laughs) Look, there's a lot of hate in the world, but we can still laugh at ourselves. Honestly, that's why I'm here tonight. I've seen it all. I've even gotten threats. And I want other members
of the trans community to know that if I'm strong
enough to sit up here and be ridiculed all night,
that you can handle anything. (audience cheers) Except listening to
Adam Carolla's podcast. Oh my God, it's torture. (audience laughing) Adam Carolla is so boring, I've never seen a dryer pussy in my life. (audience laughs) And that's coming from me. - It is so great to be here. I'm a judge on "The Masked Singer," so it's nice to be on another show where you have to guess
who the celebrities are. I look at Blake and I think, hmm, orange is the new black. (audience laughs) Alec's wife is so young, he
introduces them as 23 and Me. Now, Alec's daughter, Ireland is here. She might as well be named Zimbabwe, given the distance
between them, am I right? But we're really here to
celebrate the real star of "30 Rock" and SNL, but let's be honest, Tina Fey said no. Alec, no offense, but you
weren't the star of "30 Rock," and with DeNiro here, you're not even the star
of your own (beep) roast. You know, it's like, I'm sorry. (audience applauding) And with Justin Bieber as your nephew, you're not even star your (beep) family. It's sad. "It's sad," or whatever you do. - Hi, dad. I'm Ireland.
(audience laughs) It's good to be here. I almost didn't even know about it because I haven't checked
my voicemails from my dad from the last like 12 years. (audience laughs) I actually have a lot in
common with the people on this roast because, like them, I don't really know you that well either. A lot of people only know
my dad as an angry guy, but he's more than some
lunatic who loses his temper. He also loses Emmys and Oscars, and custody of his
firstborn child, am I right? (audience applauds) It hasn't been easy being the daughter of an iconic movie star, but I'm not here to talk about my mother. (Alec laughs) Or her Oscar.
(audience laughs) A lot of people don't know
this, but when I was a kid, Caitlyn Jenner was my
middle school track coach. You taught me to jump over
the greatest hurdle of all, which is my father's approval. (Alec laughs) Do you know what it's like
having a gold medal athlete as your track coach? Blake, you get it, right? You've disappointed a Jenner that's completely out of your league. (audience laughs) - Did he really date your daughter? - Yeah. (audience laughing) - You should've married her, and now you're never gonna get a ring. (audience laughs) - What the (beep) am I doing here? And who the (beep) are you? Ann Coulter, everybody.
(audience laughs) Nikki is what's known as a dirty comedian, and I don't mean her material, I mean, she hasn't washed her
pussy to since Memorial Day. (audience laughs) And now for the only true
movie star on the stage, me. (audience applauds) Critics say I have a
unique quality as an actor, I actually like Alec Baldwin. And I'm happy to be here for Alec, but honestly, I'm here to teach
Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner, and Blake Griffin how
to (beep) black women. (Blake laughs)
(audience laughs) - (indistinct) for black women? - Here's an historical fact. Alec's ancestors came
over on the Mayflower. Alec's great, great, great, great, great grandfather was the first white man to punch a native American in the face. (audience laughs) That's a fact. Now Alec is doing it to paparazzi, and he doesn't care who he hits. I want saw him take a selfie
and punch his own face. (audience laughs) You've starred in huge
blockbuster movies, Alec. And now you're hosting a (beep) game show. I'd say you're about
a year and a half away from doing commercials
for reverse mortgages. (audience laughs) Alec, I want to thank you
for inviting me to do this. Now, "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
won't be the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. - Sean, you have the face
of a ventriloquist doll and the asshole of a much
larger ventriloquist doll. Blake Griffin, my gift to
you is bringing awareness to whatever tragic skin
disease it is you have. You're a remarkable man, Blake. I wish we were as close as your eyes are. (audience laughs) What devastating comment could
I make about Nikki Glaser that she hasn't already
muttered to herself in a mirror at Equinox?
(audience laughs) - That's so true. - Caroline Rhea,
Caroline, I just love you. You are so open and honest. Backstage she told all of
us she hasn't been laid in so long she went through
Caitlyn Jenner's trash looking for dick.
(audience laughs) Caitlyn Jenner is an
American gold medalist who changed genders, and somehow still managed to
be the least interesting member of her family. Her strength and beauty are as hypnotic as a Salvador Dali painting
of Kellyanne Conway. You look like a RealDoll
that's been (beep) a little too close to the fireplace. (audience laughs) (upbeat music) - Bruce Willis is what
you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne the Rock Johnson. (audience laughs) And it's not just action
movies that made Bruce a star, he's actually a great dramatic actor too. I love "The Sixth Sense."
(audience cheers) It's great movie. And the ending, I did not
see that twist coming. I mean, I shouldn't spoil
it, but I mean, (beep) it, it's been like 20 years. It's so good. Okay, so at the end of "The Sixth Sense," Bruce goes back to making shitty movies. (audience laughs) We're all having a good time tonight, but don't get too comfortable up here, because later we're
going to be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher. Relax. Relax, Bruce gets along with him fine. He was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding. His gift was a toaster and $90 million. (audience laughs) - Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone. He's so cute, so adorable. I bet you eat pussy, but only
with the crust cut off first. (audience laughs) Isn't that his look? Speaking of crusty pussy, I'll get to you in a second, Cybill. (audience laughs) I know, I know. Martha Stewart, shank you for being here. Seriously. And congratulations on
getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina, and into your sweat shops. That's where they are now. Surprisingly Martha
said that in prison food wasn't that bad, just, you know, as long as it was clean shaven, so. She loves attention to detail. Is she laughing? I'm terrified of her.
(audience laughs) Kevin Pollak is here. Such an amazing actor. I know Kevin is like one of
the greatest impressionists of all time. I'm a huge fan. My favorite of his is he does
an amazing Robin Williams. I just wish he would finish it. (audience laughs) Yeah, okay guys, listen all
I'm saying is that we've lost a lot of greats to suicide recently, and it's time we lose some okays. (audience laughs) Bruce, this is, honestly, a
big personal moment for me to be here roasting my dead cousin's second favorite action star. I know you, obviously,
as the star of every DVD you kind of just find on the street. (audience laughs) A lot of people don't know that Bruce is a very talented
musician because he isn't. (audience laughs) Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they
make sick kids meet you so dying doesn't seem so terrible. (audience laughs) - Nikki said on her own show
that she enjoys anal sex. Her words. Hey, good for you. I mean, it makes sense,
obviously you don't eat, so you might as well use
that hole for something, huh? (audience laughs) - That's so nice. - I first met Bruce when I was working with his first wife,
Demi Moore, in the film, "A Few Good Men."
(audience cheers) I think it's time everyone
knew something about Demi. When she shaved her head, she said it was for her role
in the film "G.I. Jane." But the truth is she shaved her head because she loved her husband, Bruce, and he wanted to (beep) his own face. (audience laughs) Now, Bruce, one of your friends and costars in "Pulp Fiction"
couldn't be here tonight, so they've asked me to
pass along a message from Christopher Walken. They've put it up here for me. Here it is. Hey, Bruce, sorry. I
couldn't attend your funeral. (audience laughs) I did wanna say I've always been a fan, particularly your work in
the film, "12 Monkeys." Sure, I was disappointed that
you did not portray a monkey, but you gave a beautifully
nuanced performance. Reminiscent of a monkey
who poops in his hands and then throws it in your face. Mostly though, I wanted
to take this opportunity to publicly thank you for
creating my favorite restaurant, Planet Hollywood. If I'm honest, it's
also my favorite planet. - Bruce Willis, I'm so happy to see you. Gosh, the last time I saw your face, I was shopping for movies
at the gas station. (audience laughs) Bruce went on to make 96 movies using just one facial expression. (audience laughs) I'm thrilled that I got to
meet Martha Stewart tonight. I had the honor of playing
Martha in two separate movies. I did my best, but the only one to truly
capture Martha Stewart was the FBI.
(audience laughs) I ran into Nikki Glaser
in the ladies room. I saw her from behind with her
slender body and blonde hair and I thought she must be a model. Then she turned around I
thought, nope, she's a comic. (audience laughs) - Oh, shit, what am I doing here? I don't know any of these
old white people up here. (audience laughs) (laughs) With the cast of
"The Young and the Restless." (audience laughs) (Rel laughs) Bruce, you done movies
with other black comedians, why they ask somebody who
ain't never did shit with you? I don't get that. Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan. God damn, this is sad. I mean, you had a limo
driver in "Die Hard," Argyle, and he not even here. And I don't know what
the (beep) he doing here. He need this shit. Get Argyle here, what the (beep)? It's funny to see like
Jeff Ross and Bruce Willis, y'all two bald, white, mother
(beep), look crazy as (beep). Both of y'all look like y'all have two different stages of cancer. (audience laughs) - I was sitting at a bar with Bruce, and I asked him if he liked
the script I'd sent him. And he says, try keeping
a marriage together when 22 is still on the menu. (audience laughs) What the (beep) does that mean? I mean, I know what it means,
but why say it to that? But I fell off my bar stool,
laughing, I had no idea why. I still don't know what
he thought of this script and we're done making the movie. I don't think he's read it. (audience laughs) Can I act that weird
and have people love me? I can not. Can I say things like, "The MeToo movement is ruining
natural sexual dynamics," while I'm wearing a Make
America Great Again hat and then go blow up a
helicopter of Mexican extras, dressed up as middle Eastern terrorists, call that a twofer, and still have a bunch of
liberal Hollywood executives call my agent the next morning and say they want to be in
the Edward Norton business? I most definitely can not. I wish I was Teflon like
you, but then again, I do like my kids not
being embarrassed by me. (audience laughs) The script of his last three films was crinkle your forehead,
say a short, memorable quip, no more than four words,
shoot the gun, duck, repeat, the end. It's a half a page long.
(audience laughs) You could learn your lines in
the car on the way to the set. You don't, but you could.
(audience laughs) - Dennis Rodman, where do I begin? If you had told me back in the '90s that Dennis Rodman would be negotiating a nuclear arms agreement in 2018, I would have said Dennis
Rodman is alive in 2018? (audience laughs) Local comedian, Dom Irrera is here. Dom, I know your career
never really took off, but if you just keep doing
what you've been doing, I'm sure you'll eventually be discovered by your landlord two weeks
after your heart attack. (audience laughs) And Edward Norton, I am a huge fan. You are amazing.
(audience applauds) Edward takes the craft
of acting very seriously. He prepared to play the Incredible Hulk by spending 30 years losing his temper and turning into a giant asshole. (audience laughs) Oh, and now the lovely
Cybill Shepherd is here. I remember years ago when I heard there was going to be a
movie, a TV movie about me, I thought, oh God, no, because they're always so dreadful. I was really nervous. Well, you can imagine my
relief when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me. I thought, Cybill Shepherd, great. No one will see it.
(Cybill laughs) (audience laughs) Now, Cybill, isn't it
interesting that your career basically ended after that role? As if you'd offended
someone, someone with power, someone with vast resources and money. Who could cook up such a plan? Who could craft such a scheme? (audience laughs) It was me, bitch.
(audience laughs) - Edward Norton, you did a
movie called "Primal Fear." It was named after the
feeling he got every time he banged Courtney Love without a condom. (audience laughs) It's a true story, ladies and gentlemen. Is this thing on, is this on? Actually, he dated Courtney Love, but he never became famous enough for her to have him murdered.
(audience laughs) Bruce, I see you now, and I see a beautiful daughters, and I'm so proud of you. You never hear a father brag about his daughter's sexual prowess. You know, they always brag, "My son's a buck, he's a stud. "Freshman year of college,
he nailed everybody. "Everybody, boys, girls, dogs,
he didn't give a (beep)." You never hear a father
bragging about his daughter. "Hear that up there? "That's my daughter taking on 10 guys. "Yeah, that's my baby. "That's our youngest,
she always loved cock." (audience laughs) "The bigger, the better, "she always had men
lined up around a block, "guys tag teaming her from behind, "high-fiving over a jizz-filled backdrop "and loads in her ear, she couldn't hear. "What can I tell you, huh? "She's just like a mother, that kid." (audience laughs) - Look at that guy over there, Lil Rel. Looking like (beep)
David Ortiz's bobblehead. (audience laughs) Cybill, I see you over
there, baby, I see you. Cybill Shepherd, it sounds like a disease that you get when you're (beep) a sheep. (audience laughs) Bruce, you keep making these
(beep) bombs, but guess what? So does Kim Jong-un. But at least Kim is smart
enough not to release his. (audience laughs) - I was married to Bruce Willis for the first three "Die Hard" movies, which makes sense, because
the last two sucked. (audience laughs) I mean, it's funny the
things we do for a part. Like I know that I have dyed
and cut and styled my hair I can't tell you how, a million ways, but not Bruce. I mean, that's his real hair.
(audience laughs) And ladies, let me tell you
the carpets match the drapes. (audience laughs) I mean, I'm not saying
he's bald down there. I'm just saying whichever place you look, it looks like a dick.
(audience laughs) But you know, when I look
back over all the years that we've had together, we certainly had our ups and downs, but I have to say those
were some of the best times of my life. I just look at our marriage
like "The Sixth Sense," you were dead the whole time. (audience laughs) - In my action movies there's always some young punk trying to come at me. And tonight it's Judas Gordon-Levitt. Joe, I took you under my wing. Tried to make you tough. Tried to make you an action star, which ain't easy to do
with a kid who looks like the bad boy of figure skating. (audience laughs) And now I wanna take on the
toughest person up here. My friend, ex-con, Martha Stewart. (audience cheers) Yeah, baby. If anyone can survive in prison, it's someone who can toss a salad. (audience laughs) That's right. Martha's a real corporate king pin. She even has her own brand of wine. It's like her boyfriend,
it comes in an old box. You know, Cybill Shepherd, my oldest friend, there's people I've known longer, but you are my oldest friend. (audience laughs) When I got cast in
"Moonlighting" they picked me over 3000 other actors
because they wanted someone who didn't have a sexual
history with Cybill. (audience laughs) It's so great to be back
on TV with you, honey. in another show starring me. Kevin Pollak, welcome to the party, pal. You owe your whole career
to the guys you impersonate. You've made more money
doing Schwarzenegger than his maid.
(audience laughs) And not to mention, you're better at cleaning houses. (audience laughs) (fire crackles)
