(upbeat music) - I once thought Pete Davidson was just like Obama, biracial goof ball who ruined a once beloved institution, but it turns out I was wrong. Pete's not biracial. - Haha, good one! Ann Coulter, if you're here, who's scaring the crows
away from our crops? (crowd cheers) - Pete Davidson, Pete's dad, never got to see him on SNL because he passed away on 9/11. Pete's mom has never seen him on SNL because she blinks. (crowd laughs) Is Pete white? Is he black? Ann Coulter needs to know so she can decide if she hates him. (crowd cheers) Pete, I actually thought you were black, but I guess you just have
your dad's ashy skin. - Whoa, Macaulay Culkin
looks worse than I thought. (crowd laughs) David, thanks for taking
time away from waiting for Sandler to write
"Grown Ups 3" to be here. (crowd laughs) David Spade's assistant once tried to kill him in his sleep. And the world was shocked to find out you could afford an assistant. (crowd laughs) - Pete Davidson's ugly. (crowd laughs) He's actually going on
his third year of SNL. It's been a while since
I've been there, of course, but you gotta help me out now. Is it the fourth year that they finally let you see an orthodontist? (audience laughs) Jacked up teeth! Fix that shit! Jimmy Carr's got better
teeth and he's British! (audience laughs) - Rob Riggle's here. I actually really love Rob Riggle. Rob, yeah.
(audience cheers) Rob was a marine. The few, the proud. Which also describes his fans. (audience laughs) - Look at this little
nugget, Pete Davidson. It's hard to recognize
him when he's not on SNL, or on an adventure with
the man in the yellow hat. (audience laughs) - Jewel's here. Jewel, I won't make fun of you yet. 'Cause I wanna give everyone at home time to Google who you are. (audience laughs) My mom really wanted me
to get you to sign this. I don't know what the (beep) it is. If it's a phone, it's broken. But she'd really appreciate
if you could sign this. My mom came here to see you, so yeah. - Pete Davidson's here. I'm appalled that people would come here and make jokes about the sacrifice Pete's heroic father made on 9/11. This is not the roast of
Pete Davidson's father. That was in 2001.
(audience laughs) - Oh, that was dope. - Wow. - Jimmy Carr's here. When I first met Jimmy Carr, I thought, "Wow, Jeff Dunham's
puppets are getting amazing." (audience laughs) Jimmy, you look like a
butler in a haunted mansion. - I just met this guy Pete Davidson back stage before the show, great guy. He asked to take a picture with me, and I didn't even realize
he was one of the comedians. I told him, "Don't give up, kid, "whatever disease you
have, you can beat it." (audience laughs) - Yes! That's a Superbowl champ. That's a Superbowl champ. Yes. - Peyton Manning's here, I
(beep) love Peyton Manning. (crowd cheers) He's the shit. Peyton, Peyton looks like if football players evolved to no longer need helmets. (audience laughs) No, seriously, Peyton,
I love all of your work. Especially when I saw you in "The Goonies" yelling "Hey, you guys!" (audience laughs) A Superbowl is also what Peyton's mom had to cut his hair with as a child. (audience laughs) - Pete Davidson. Yeah, good to have you here tonight. You know...
(audience laughs) As he talks about in his
stand up and everywhere else, he lost his father on 9/11. Pete, your performance tonight was a fitting tribute to your dad, because it was like watching a third plane hit the World Trade Center. (audience groans and laughs) No, really, I actually, I do think you're going to
be the next Adam Sandler. And I knew it the minute I saw David Spade blowing you before the show. (audience laughs) - Let's hear it for Rob Lowe, okay. Right? (audience cheers)
Rob Lowe. - Thank you. Thank you. - Or as gonorrhea doctors
call him, Patient Zero. (audience laughs) People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that's only because they never saw him tell his wife he didn't (beep) that nanny. (audience laughs) Rob has two beautiful kids here. Not his children, they're just
guaranteed in his contract. Rob was the first male spokesperson for the Lee National Denim Day, which raises millions of dollars for breast cancer research. You know, that's a great thing. (audience cheers) It's a disease that his mother, his grandmother, and great
grandmother suffered from. But you still (beep) a
16 year old girl in 1988. (audience laughs) It doesn't change anything. You still did that. - I'm coming for you. - I once thought Pete
Davidson was just like Obama, biracial goofball who ruined
a once beloved institution, but it turns out, I was wrong. Pete's not biracial. - Haha, good one! - Ann Coulter is here, everybody. Ann Coulter, if you're here, who's scaring the crows
away from our crops? (audience laughs) You know, Ann describes
herself as a polemicist, but most people call her a (beep). (audience laughs) You know, last year we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets, and now we have Ann Coulter,
who cuts eye holes in them. (audience laughs) - Our first roaster is Pete Davidson. Now, he's the newest member
of "Saturday Night Live," this introduction is way
longer than his Wikipedia page. (audience laughs) Guy from New York, it's Pete Davidson. (upbeat music)
(audience cheers) - Thank you. It's an honor to be at a
roast hosted by Shaq's dick. (audience laughs) Wow, wow, Ludacris and
Snoop Dogg are here. If I was 38, I'd be
freaking out right now. (audience laughs) Kev, I loved you as Black Annie. You were so good. (audience laughs) - It's good to see Comedy
Central diversifying its talent with whatever race Pete Davidson is. (audience laughs) He just looks weird, you're
just real vague, man. Weird, vague ass face,
and I don't like it. (audience laughs) I don't like your face at all, man. You seem like a nice person, but when I talk to you, I don't have fun. (audience laughs) Pete, Pete has got a lot going on. Pete, I don't know how you can juggle SNL, stand-up, and Lorne
Michael's balls in your mouth all at the same time. An amazing, multi-tasker Pete Davidson is. - Hannibal Buress is
here everybody, Hannibal. (audience cheers) Hannibal, of course, is famous
for exposing Bill Cosby. Right? And only for exposing Bill Cosby. (audience laughs) No, he deserved it though. Bill Cosby hurt those
women without ever caring about the consequences. That Hannibal Buress would become famous. (audience laughs) - Look at all these scrubs on the stage. Hannibal, Natasha, Pete Davidson. I haven't seen a more
disappointing line up since the last Lakers game. (audience cheers) - Hey come on, let's hear it for Shaq. (audience cheers)
Right? Thanks for being here and taking a break from
throwing barrels at Super Mario. (audience laughs) Sorry. Please don't eat me. (audience laughs) I'm so afraid, he's so big! One of the many nicknames
that Shaq has is Superman. Right, and much like Superman, he pretends to be a reporter and has never met his real father. (audience laughs) No, no, no, no. Shaq is cool though. Shaq has shattered eight back boards and 79 cervixes. (audience laughs) (upbeat music)
