The Best Roasts from Movie Stars - Comedy Central Roast

and now for the only true movie star on this stage me i apparently was in star wars how high was i when i said i would do this i'm a generous guy so sharing the spotlight is my gift to all of you i am still [Applause] what the am i doing here this is like that moscow hotel room where a bunch of pissed all over donald trump i mean this is what you get for being alex friend on nights like these you expect your friends the people you've worked with closely to show up tina fey tracy morgan thomas the tank engine meryl streep [Applause] not one instead we have a group you can't even find them on wikipedia and like who are these people i mean who the hell are you ann coulter everybody nikki is what's known as a dirty comedian and i don't mean a material i mean she hasn't washed the since memorial day [Applause] caroline ray oh good one caroline did over 160 episodes of sabrina the teenage witch that's a lot of teenagers not r kelly numbers but still pretty impressive sean hayes we're here over here [Laughter] i was in goodfellas and i'm guessing sean has also been in goodfellas and some bad fellas and more than a few sailors i'm sure caitlyn jenner now there's something different about you but i i can't i can't put my finger in it yes you can yes you care comedy central wanted to have caitlyn on a roast after her surgery so now they can pay her 20 percent less [Applause] when i did raging bull i had to gain 60 pounds in four months jeff what's your excuse [Laughter] kendra john once stopped his stand-up show to help a woman in the audience who was having a seizure if a seizure is what it takes to stop him from doing stand up on for that adam carolla adam promotes a drink called the brosay cocktail finally a light refreshing summer drink for date rapists [Applause] and now for the only true movie star on the stage me critics say i have a unique quality as an actor i actually like alec baldwin and i'm happy to be here for alec but honestly i'm here to teach chris redd caitlyn jenner and blake griffin how to black women please welcome jonah hill hi guys james how's it going it's really great to be here for my buddy james um i just don't know why they would choose me though because there's nothing really anyone can make fun of me for i guess these guys are going to make fun of me for something so i just think i'm just going to be nice and say what i like about them because i i really love all these people up here you know like bill hader good friend of mine right he was brilliant on snl he was brilliant and when he left the show this year every single person was like what are you doing you're never ever gonna work again like ever and what does my man bill do boom he goes ahead and books himself a t-mobile commercial who's laughing now lauren michaels my man bill is i mean this guy's cashing checks from the fourth largest mobile provider in the nation look no look i respect bill because sprint was coming after him hard but he just held out for that ut mobile money bill's awesome i love you bill andy sandberg is another friend of mine i love him and now that he's got his new tv show brooklyn 99 which i'm assuming is about this brooklyn cop who tried to make it in the movie business but failed and got sent back to tv um my only question is andy when the show gets canceled after five episodes are you gonna do a different cell phone commercial are they gonna turn bills into a two-hander for both of you guys andy's awesome sarah silverman so amazing so beautiful i think you're gorgeous and i think it's crazy because everyone's like she's hot for a comic but i don't agree because she's not just hot for a comic she's hot for someone her age that's right um seriously sarah you were my favorite comic as a kid um and people say it's too late for sarah to become successful in movies at her age i again do not agree it's not impossible i mean it's not like they're asking you to bear children or anything like that because you can't do that we got ludacris we got my man snoop dogg shack this is crazy usually when i see this many brothers sitting together mari pover just about to open the envelope i've never seen anything like that [Laughter] shaq take that dumb ass look over your face you look stupid [Laughter] [Applause] here's my question how did you even end up on a roast that's what i want to know they must have called up the nba proof game show and said you know what send us the third funniest guy wait he's unavailable send a shack let us get shaq then uh my man snoop dogg is here there he is yeah wait wait let me clear something up for all the young people here tonight uh snoop snoop dogg is a rapper uh yeah that's my aunt's favorite rapper you know for all the black people that are confused about that old white woman on the couch that's martha stewart yeah right there that's martha stewart right there martha do me a favor and uh put your ankle bracelet on vibrate so we don't have no problems doing the show what a night you've all talked about me berating the paparazzi marrying a woman half my age and so many other memorable achievements i'm glad you all had fun and a sizable amount of tv exposure at my expense but just there's one more charitable act that i've done that i won't get credit for i'm a generous guy so sharing the spotlight is my gift to all of you at the same time i want to set all of you straight not you sean if your father couldn't do that how can i [Applause] sean you have the face of a ventriloquist doll and the of a much larger ventriloquist style [Laughter] blake griffin my gift to you is bringing awareness to whatever tragic skin disease it is you have you're a remarkable man blake i wish we were as close as your eyes are blake griffin tonight you demonstrated what you do best sitting while others score we're all learning that's all we can do i didn't even know what a nicki glazer was before tonight i still don't you the flight attendant i was rude to i'm sorry if you were but i don't regret finishing my game of words with friends on that flight i sniped an incredible 92-pointer with zymergy zymergy bob isn't that your second wife's name [Applause] no wait no wait it's the medication jeff ross takes for losing his battle with seepage [Applause] what devastating comment could i make about nikki glazer that she hasn't already muttered to herself in a mirror at equinox caroline ray caroline i just love you you are so open and honest backstage she told all of us she hasn't been laid in so long she went through caitlyn jenner's trash looking for dick but you were great tonight you have a great time this is the longest you've gone without mentioning sabrina the teenage witch true story caroline visited my sick mother when she was dying of cancer in the hospital we sat for a bit and then she turned on the tv and said sabrina the teenage witches on caroline you totally get the assist on that suicide my mom attacked that morphine button like she was trying to buzz in on jeopardy ken jong i'm proud of you normally you come across like an asian stereotype but tonight your lips totally match the words you were saying i'm such a fan of your work the way you flipped that shrimp tail into your hat on my birthday was just genius i realized i'm not very big in the asian community but i suppose there's a good reason the hardest possible title for you to pronounce is glenn gary glenn ross my name is seth rogan welcome to the comedy central roast of james franco why uh why are we here why are we doing this anyway i'll start with the jewish and work my way down sarah silverman is here sarah and i actually worked together on the film take this waltz uh which she was great in she actually did full frontal nudity in the movie uh which was fantastic it was amazing i always thought she was very liberal but it turns out she's actually a giant bush supporter huge aziz ansari is here yes this is actually the longest aziz has ever heard me talk without checking to see if someone more famous has texted him i want to make fun of you for being friends with kanye west but truthfully it's the only cool thing there is about you so i can't do that jonah hill is here a lot of people compare jonah to a young belushi jim belushi [Applause] jonas actually started to move away from comedy uh it happens five minutes into his movie the sitter andy sandberg is here and he plays a cop on his new fox show his first case will be investigating the disappearance of his new fox show a lot of people are live tweeting the show tonight speaking of 140 characters no one gives a about bill hader is here bill's a great impressionist right now he's doing an impression of a guy who really regrets leaving snl nick kroll is here yes nick kroll is the scary jewish face mel gibson runs from in his dreams every night [Applause] let's start talking about someone people actually give a about james franco uh you know who is the real james franco is he an artist is he an actor is he a scholar he's tough to pin down although i've heard many guys have been able to do it i learned two things tonight bumping into seth green backstage he is a big star wars fan and i apparently was in star wars so amazing that must have been great uh you know now uh wayne brady how are you you're so white that i i tried to snort you backstage didn't i i'm sorry wow now uh i have seen gilbert gottfried at 12 step meetings uh you know he was not actually there they uh they held a picture up of him and they said if you this man a how humiliating for you and b you must be an alcoholic uh at least i hope so buckle up this is ass whooping time that's what i'm talking about you know in my action movies there's always some young punk trying to come at me and tonight it's judas gordon levitt joe i took you under my wing tried to make you tough try to make you an action star which ain't easy to do with the kid who looks like the bad boy of figure skating [Applause] joseph played a younger me in looper couldn't pull it off there's only one actor who successfully played me it was to me more and she made a lot more money than you did sweetheart and now i want to take on the toughest person up here my friend ex-con martha stewart yeah baby if anyone can survive in prison it's someone who can toss a salad that's right martha's a real corporate kingpin she even has her own brand of wine it's like her boyfriend it comes in an old box martha is also a humanitarian when she heard about the kids at the border living in tiny cages she sent them sewing machines what's wrong with that kevin welcome to the party pal you owe your whole career to the guys you impersonate you've made more money doing schwarzenegger than his maid and not to mention you're better at cleaning houses and finally it's so great to have the esteemed diplomat dennis rodman here i don't want to say dennis is a bad negotiator but he thinks a shoe deal is when you get two at the same time venice how do you and kim jong-un communicate when neither of you speak english dennis i know you think it's a big deal that you saved the world but it's not as much as it's made up to be who cares i've saved the world 18 times nothing can keep me down i've been attacked by terrorists asteroids film critics music critics restaurant critics divorce lawyers male pattern baldness and none of it none of it stopped me because i am still bruce willis people ask me why i did this first was it because one of the last guys who did it became president hell no why would i want to be president when i can just keep being bruce willis i did this rose for one reason and for one reason only to settle something once and for all now please listen very carefully die hard is not a christmas movie a goddamn bruce willis movie so a yippie kaye to all of you good night [Applause] you

Channel: Comedy Central

Views: 935,877

Rating: 4.8881912 out of 5

Keywords: Roast, comedy central, comedy roast, Roast of Rob Lowe, Roast of Justin Bieber, Roast of Alec Baldwin, Robert De Niro, Carrie Fischer, Seth Rogen, Alec Baldwin, Bruce Willis, Kevin Hart, Jonah Hill, funny, insult comedy, comedy, comedy show, roasts, insults, burns, roasted, tv show, tv comedy, funny video, comedy videos, comedian, comedians

Id: 1XdKD693-YM

Length: 19min 44sec (1184 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 26 2021