- [Announcer] Kevin
Hart, Seth Rogan, Seth Macfarlane, David
Spade, Sean Hayes, Joseph Gordon-Levitt,
Jane Lynch, John Stamos, Kathy Griffin. (upbeat music)
(audience cheering) - Welcome to the Comedy
Central Roast of Justin Bieber. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Here's the thing. Justin Bieber has tens
of millions of fans. I mean, most of them are
either in middle schools or, or standing at least
500 feet away from one. I mean... (audience laughing) It's the truth. I'm not saying anything
that's not the truth. He's a worldwide superstar. There's even a wax
figure of Justin in Madame Tussaud's in London. It's incredibly
lifelike. I've seen it. He's face down in a wax
Usher's lap. It's weird. (audience laughing) That's a dick sucking
joke. We off to a start. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Yeah. It's gonna get dirty tonight.
(audience applauding) Tonight, here's the thing. Tonight, we're gonna
do what his parents and the legal system should've
done a long time ago. (audience laughing) We're about to give
this boy an ass whooping that he deserves, we are. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) We are! (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Why invite me if you
don't want it to get ugly? I don't understand that. I mean, come on, we got
the right dais to do it. We got Ludacris, we
got man Snoop Dogg, Shaq, this is crazy. Usually, when I see this many
brothers sitting together, Maury Povich is about
to open an envelope. I've never seen
anything like it. (audience laughing) Shaq, take that dumbass
look off your face. You look stupid.
(audience laughing) (chuckles) Here's
my question, Shaq, how did you even end
up on "The Rose"? That's what I wanna know. They must've called up
the NBA Pregame Show and said you know what? Send us the third funniest guy. (audience laughing) Wait, he's unavailable? Send us Shaq, let
us get Shaq then. (audience laughing) My man Snoop Dogg is here. There he is. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Yeah!
(audience applauding) Wait, wait, let me
clear something up for all you young
people here tonight. Snoop Dogg is a rapper. Yeah, that's my aunt's
favorite rapper. (audience laughing) (Kevin laughs) For all the Black
people that are confused about that old white
woman on the couch, that's Martha Stewart. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) Yeah, right there.
(audience cheering) That's Martha
Stewart right there. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Martha, do me a favor, and
put your ankle bracelet on vibrate so we
don't have no problems (audience laughing)
during the show. Before we get off to any
roasting and digging, I want everybody
to understand this. Justin Bieber really
does have it all. I'm serious. He has a dick and a pussy. Justin, stand up, pop
that thing one time. Show 'em, give them that
hermaphrodite twerk one time. (audience laughing) I've seen it. No, no. Let's be honest. Justin, you made a few mistakes. You're not perfect. He's done some things. Dude, you got caught peeing
on a video in a mop bucket. (audience laughing) Why are these idiots
who work for you taping you pissing? That's why I don't understand. When someone's filming
you taking a piss, if you don't want
them to tape you, you turn around, you say,
"Turn the goddamn camera off." Unless it's mandatory,
like Snoop pissing in front of his parole officer. That's different. Snoop, that guy's gotta
see your dick. I get it. Don't worry about it.
(audience laughing) That's a criminal joke to
Snoop, 'cause he's been to jail. (Kevin chuckles)
(audience laughing) You on the cover
of "Men's Health." He's getting a lot of slack for taking his shirt
off all the time. I don't get, I don't
understand that. Justin, let me tell
you something, man. Okay, if you can take
your shirt off, you do it. You do it as much
as you goddamn can. Seriously. Look at Shaq. Shaq hasn't taken his shirt
off since high school. Okay? That's a true story.
(audience laughing) That's a true story right there. (audience laughing) Martha Stewart had her shirt
off in my dressing room. (audience laughing) Stop, stop, stop. Don't get the wrong idea. She just wanted me
to titty (beep) her. Yeah!
(audience cheering) (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) I'm sorry. I'm sorry, stop. (audience laughing) I'm just trying to
loosen y'all up. I'm sorry.
(audience laughing) Martha, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Is that gonna affect
me getting free sheets after this, Martha? Please? I messed up my chance
at getting free sheets. Goddamn it, Kevin.
(audience laughing) Me personally, I'm not mad. I'm not mad at Justin. I'm not. I'm gonna tell you
who I'm mad at. I'm mad at his manager. You, Scooter. That's right. Scooter Brown, right there. Scooter is the man that actually
discovered Justin Bieber. Scooter Brown was 25 years old. He was a single man
living in Atlanta alone, when he found Justin
Bieber on the internet, in the middle of the night.
(audience laughing) The middle of the night.
(audience laughing) He found a little white boy
with nice hair on the internet. (audience laughing) Sounds to me like
Scooter was fresh off of a dick beating
session, if you ask me. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Now I don't know where Chris
Hanson is, but he missed one. That's a goddamn predator if
I ever seen one right there. (audience laughing) Now Justin, unfortunately,
Selena Gomez, she couldn't be here tonight. - [Audience] Aww. - No, she couldn't,
she couldn't. Just because she
didn't wanna come. There's no reason, she
just didn't wanna... (audience laughing) She didn't wanna be here. I wish I had something better
to tell you, but I don't. (audience laughing) No, Selena got word
that there was rumors of Justin dealing
with Kendall Jenner, and that shocked me. I was like, what the (beep)? (audience laughing) That's what I said,
what the (beep)? (audience laughing) I was like, if you gonna
deal with a Jenner, I thought it would be Bruce. That's what I thought. If it was a-
(audience laughing) Just one, I'm sorry. That's the only one, I
swear to God, guys, no more. It's no secret that
Justin wants to be Black. Can we all agree on that? Justin loves the Black
culture, everybody knows that. (audience applauding) My thing's this. Justin, I just want
you to come to terms with the fact that
you're not gangster. That's Justin's
main problem, man. You're not a gangster. Accept that.
- All right. - I mean, come on, Orlando
Bloom took a swing at you. That's not gangster, Justin.
(audience laughing) It's not!
(audience laughing) He's got a perfume
called Girlfriend. That's not gangster, Justin.
(audience laughing) You threw eggs at a house. Gangsters don't
throw (beeps) eggs! Snoop, when the last
time you threw eggs at somebody goddamn house? (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) We don't do that! It's not gangster. Justin, Justin sang
the N-word on a video in a song that was about
killing Black people. That's pretty goddamn
gangster, Justin. I'm gonna give you that.
(audience laughing) That's as gangster as
you get right there. (audience laughing) He actually got in
a lot of trouble when he got caught saying
the N-word on video. That right there, that
should make you feel stupid. Reason why I say that
is because you know who didn't get caught, Justin? The billion other white
people that say the N-word every goddamn day. I'm talking about you, Martha. I know you say it.
(audience laughing) You probably thinking
it right now. (audience laughing) Look at that little
nigger up there in his little nigger tux. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) With his little nigger
shoes, look at him, up there dancing.
(audience laughing) Thankfully, Justin
avoided the usual, I guess you could say former
childhood mistakes, you know. He hasn't had a sex tape. That's good for you. He hasn't killed anyone. You haven't bought a monkey. Ah, shit, you did,
you bought a monkey. (audience laughing) And you abandoned the
monkey in Germany. What the (beeps) was that? (audience laughing) Like you abandoned
a monkey in Germany. That's was a privileged
Beverly Hills monkey. You showed him your
lifestyle and then, you dropped him off in Germany? (audience laughing) Now that monkey's
turned out in a goddamn German zoo sucking rhino dick, 'cause of your bad decision.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding) - My name is Seth Rogen. Welcome to the Comedy Central
Roast of James Franco. Why?
(audience laughing) Why are we here? Why
are we doing this? I don't know. How high was I when I
said I would do this? (audience laughing) It's crazy. Is this punishment
for "The Guilt Trip"? Is that what this is?
(audience laughing) I'm just glad I'm
not alone up here. I got Nick Kroll, Jonah
Hill, Sarah Silverman. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Andy Samberg.
(audience applauding) This dais is literally
Hitler's wet dream, though, in all honesty.
(audience laughing) It's got Jews, gays
and whatever Aziz is. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) This is so (beep) up to
do with you guys here. (audience laughing)
It's so mean. (laughs) I really like these people. Anyway, I'll start with the
Jewiest and work my way down. Sarah Silverman is here. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Sarah and I actually worked
together on the film, "Take This Waltz,"
which she was great in. She actually did full
frontal nudity in the movie, which was fantastic. It was amazing-
(audience cheering) I always thought she
was very liberal, but it turns out, she's
actually a giant bush supporter. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Huge. Aziz Ansari is here. (laughs) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Yes. This is actually
the longest Aziz has heard me talk
without checking to see if someone more
famous has texted him. (audience laughing) I wanna make fun of
you for being friends with Kanye West, but truthfully, it's the only cool thing
there is about you. So I can't do that.
(audience laughing) Jonah Hill is here. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) A lot of people compare
Jonah to a young Belushi, Jim Belushi.
(audience laughing) Jonah's actually started
to move away from comedy. It happens five minutes into
his movie, "The Sitter." (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Andy Samberg is here. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Andy plays a cop on
his new Fox show. His first case will be
investigating the disappearance of his new Fox show.
(audience laughing) A lot of people are live
tweeting the show tonight. Speaking of 140 characters
no one gives a shit about, Bill Hader is here.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Bill's a great impressionist. Right now, he's doing
an impression of a guy who really regrets
leaving "SNL." (audience laughing) Nick Kroll is here. (laughs) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Yes. Nick Kroll is the scary
Jewish face Mel Gibson runs from in his
dreams every night. (audience laughing) Let's start talking
about someone people actually give a
shit about: James Franco. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) You know, who is the
real James Franco? Is he an artist, is he an
actor, is he a scholar? He's tough to pin down,
although I've heard many guys have
been able to do it. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Why are we here, James? Can you tell us why
the (beep) we're here? - No (beep) idea. - I know why I'm here. 'Cause whenever you do
something without me, it sucks. (audience laughing)
That's why I'm here. We're here tonight
so James can live out one of his unfulfilled
sexual fantasies, to have a roomful of his
friends shit all over him. (audience laughing) Franco, you look
like you're asleep. Did you just read a
James Franco book? (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) He's had a great career. Judd Apatow gave both
me and him our start on the show, "Freaks and Geeks." (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Yeah. It's true. Judd was actually gonna
direct this roast, but Comedy Central
didn't want it to be 40 minutes too long.
(audience laughing) James became famous
for playing James Dean, which makes sense, 'cause
they both sucked some dicks and made three good movies. (audience laughing) You asked us to do this, man. I don't know why... To prepare for his
role in "127 Hours," he told me he spent five days with his arm inside the rock. Actually, he goes by
Dwayne Johnson now. I keep forgetting that.
(audience laughing) He's the last guy I should be
making jokes about. (laughs) Literally, (beep) kill me. Look at me doing all the talking while you sit there
doing nothing. I feel like I'm co-hosting
the Oscars with you. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) - I wish. - Say what you will
about James' awful and borderline contemptuous
performance at the Oscars. (audience laughing) In this world, there can
only be one James Franco, 'cause if there were
two James Francos, they'd never stop
(beep) each other. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) - Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen. I'm Seth Macfarlane, and welcome to the Comedy Central
Roast of Donald Trump. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Or as Donald calls it,
the Trump Comedy Central Trump Roast of Donald Trump,
Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) How do you prepare
for a night like this? Personally, I
smoked a lot of pot. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) And clearly don't give
a shit about this show. So I'm... I'm kind of the perfect
host for this roast or for the Oscars.
(audience laughing) Before we get started, though, I do have some sad news. Recently, the Roast
lost a very talented and beloved performer,
and it would be wrong not to acknowledge him and to
say how much he'll be missed. Larry King died 10 minutes ago. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience laughing) Come on, Larry, you're
old, don't deny it. Every time you lie,
your balls grow longer. (audience laughing)
And... We've got some other familiar
faces up here on the dais. We've got Whitney Cummings
and Lisa Lampanelli. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Very nice. You ever play
(beep), marry, kill? (audience laughing) Let's see, I think I
would (beep) Whitney, marry Lisa and kill myself.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding) And my friend Marlee
Matlin is here tonight. - Yeah!
(audience cheering) - It's fitting
that Marlee is here for the Roast of Trump,
because Marlee is appearing on the new "Celebrity
Apprentice." She will be competing
for a charity that's yet to be announced
but will probably be some deaf bullshit.
(audience laughing) (audience laughing) What does that mean?
What am I doing? (audience laughing) Now since our man of the
hour was foolish enough to agree to this,
let's get started making one more piece of garbage with Donald Trump's name on it. (audience laughing) You know, it's good
to see you, Donald. - Well, thank you.
- We've just met, but it's good to see you.
(audience laughing) Tonight, we honor a
self-made millionaire. He started with
nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune. That man is Fred
Trump, Donald's dad. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) That's right. For all of his
self-starter bullshit, he's basically Jaden
Smith with a comb over. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) You're a grown man, you've got
hair like Dennis the Menace. What's going on there?
(audience laughing) Did you fall head-first
into a cotton candy machine? What?
(audience laughing) What happened? And Donald, as long
as I have you here, it's pronounce huge, not yuge. (audience laughing) And here's another one. It's pronounced, I
am (beep) delusional, not I am running for president. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (chuckles) That's right. Trump says, he says he's gonna
run for president in 2012. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) But if his plan for America
is to fire everyone, he's about two years too late. (audience laughing) But for me, it's kinda
tough to vote for a guy whose resting facial
expression is who farted? (audience laughing) (audience applauding)
(Seth chuckles) He also sells Trump
cologne and fellas, that stuff can
really get you laid. Basically, you pour
it onto a cloth and press it to a
woman's face until she- (audience laughing) stops struggling.
(audience cheering) But even when you're
born with a silver spoon in your mouth, hard
times can strike, and that's just what
happened to Donald. He was even forced into the
ultimate act of degradation: starring in his
own reality show. (audience laughing) And soon, the top-rated
TV show in the nation starred a total asshole
torturing people who were stupid enough
to work with him. In addition to "Two
and a Half Men," "The Apprentice" was also
a pretty popular show. (audience laughing) This guy has an ego. When Trump bangs a
supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) - That's funny. - All jokes aside,
though, I was thrilled when they offered me
the opportunity to roast such a brilliant, charismatic,
totally self-made billionaire who I believe will one
day run this country. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) And then the Facebook
guy canceled, and we got stuck with
your bloated asshole. - Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Comedy
Central Roast of Rob Lowe. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) That's right. We're here to honor one of
the biggest stars of 1987. (audience laughing) With some of the
biggest stars of 1984. (audience laughing) Ralph Macchio's here. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Ralph's a great guy. I drove over here with
him, gave him five stars. (audience laughing) Many of you know Rob
from "Parks and Rec." A lot of you know him
from "The West Wing." (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) A couple people know
him from Grindr. (audience cheering)
(audience laughing) And if you swiped right, you met him in person
10 minutes later. (audience laughing) At one time, Rob was one of
the biggest stars in the world. He was an A-list actor. He was named one of the
50 most beautiful people in the world, and he
(beep) the other 49. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) These are compliments. Is this guy hot or what? There's not a dry
pussy in the place. (audience cheering)
(audience laughing) Cleanup on every chick's chair. (audience laughing) For years, Rob Lowe
had a sex addiction, but he cured it by
getting less famous. (audience laughing)
(Rob cackling) Rob was in a movie called "The
Outsiders" back in the day. (audience cheering)
Remember that? (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) His character was
called Soda Pop, because at the time,
Rob was 98% coke. (audience laughing) I remember the first time
I became aware of Rob. I was at a casting
meeting for "Tommy Boy," when I came across
your headshot, and I do mean came across. (audience laughing) He's good looking. It's not easy being Rob. He said being so handsome
made it difficult for him to find
meaningful roles. I wanted to ask Brad
Pitt about that, but he was too busy acting
in meaningful roles. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Rob's not a gay man, but he plays one every
moment of his life. (audience laughing) Rob has a line of
skin care products. You can buy them online. You won't, but you can.
(audience laughing) (David giggles) Our younger audience might
not know who you are, so kids, this is who
your mom thinks about when she's (beep) your dad.
(audience laughing) Rob looks great for his age. Many people have wondered if
he's had any plastic surgery. Those same people have wondered if Caitlyn Jenner has
any plastic surgery. (audience laughing) Rob came up at a
time when a sex tape could really ruin your career, but Rob had to do
it the hard way, with his acting.
(audience laughing) Rob was in the Austin
Powers movie 16 years ago. Can you believe it, 16? Or as he calls it, 18.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Yeah! These are little jabs. Rob was in "Austin Powers 2." He was excited to meet
the cat, Mr. Bigglesworth, since it had been a
while since he'd made a movie with a hairless pussy. (audience laughing) Rob has been clean and
sober for 26 years. To put that in perspective- (audience cheering)
That's right. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) 26 years! To put that in perspective,
if sobriety was a baby, he would've (beep)
it 10 years ago. (audience laughing) It really makes you... Rob has been called
the Comeback Kid. No, I read that wrong. Rob has come on
the back of a kid. That's right.
(audience laughing) In the video. That's right. Glad we got that out of the way. All right.
(audience cheering) There we go.
(audience cheering) It's time for me
to stop yapping, and to bring up
the first roaster. Pete Davidson. Pete's dad-
(audience cheering) Never got to see him on "SNL" because he passed away on 9/11. Pete's mom has never
seen him on "SNL" because she blinks.
(audience laughing) Is Pete white? Is he Black? Ann Coulter needs to
know so she can decide if she hates him.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Pete, I actually
thought you were Black, but I guess you just have
your dad's ashy skin. (audience laughing) - Welcome to the Comedy
Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) They say you only roast
the ones you love, but tonight, we said (beep) it. (audience laughing) Alec, I think we can all
agree, is a great actor, an incredible philanthropist,
and a huge dick. (audience laughing) Can someone please
explain to Ken Jeong what a huge dick is?
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) It's great to see all the
diversity on the stage. We have a gay, trans,
Black, Asian, mixed. I don't know whether
to roast these people or register them to vote. (audience laughing)
Okay? Let's get to the real reason
why we're all here tonight, to meet Robert DeNiro.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Robert, by the way,
what's a legend like you doing at a comedy roast? I mean, is this the
same Robert DeNiro that did "Little Fockers"
and "Dirty Grandpa" and- (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) Yeah, I guess it kinda
makes sense, yeah. (audience laughing) I can't wait till someone
makes an offer you can refuse. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) We've got NBA All-Star
Blake Griffin tonight. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) No offense, Blake, but I'm a
better ball handler than you. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) Caitlyn Jenner is here.
(audience cheering) I can't believe you're here. Wow, you've got balls, girl.
(audience laughing) Yeah.
(audience cheering) Caitlyn, being here
tonight is braver than anything you've ever done, but don't worry, any parts
you don't like can be cut. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) Don't worry, Alec. Nothing said here
tonight will be meaner than what you left on
your daughter's voicemail. - [Audience] Ooh. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) - Alec once said that I
was like a brother to him, which is why we haven't
talked in 10 years. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) Of course, I wasn't his
first choice to host tonight. His first choice
is Tracy Morgan, but even Tracy said, quote, "I'd rather go
shopping at Walmart "with the Walmart
driver who hit me." (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) A lot of people think Alec
is the best Baldwin brother, but someone saying you're
the best Baldwin brother is kind of like your
doctor saying, "Good news! "You have the best
kind of cancer." (audience laughing) Alec almost got the
role of Batman in 1989, but the part went
to Michael Keaton, because he actually had
chemistry with Kim Basinger. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) - I never thought of that. - Of course, Alec's true passion has always been the theater. Alec loves to hit the stage, because it can't press charges. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Alec used to be a
belligerent drunk before he became a
belligerent sober person. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) It's true. Alec had a substance
abuse problem in the past, but he worked through it,
and hasn't done anything of substance in 20 years. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Alec is a romantic. He met his first
wife on a movie set, and his second wife
on a swing set. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Her name is Hilaria, and
what's even more hilarious, they already have
four kids together. But he finally got it right. His wife is a calming presence and an amazing yoga instructor. She was able to get Alec
into this one position where he has to
work until he dies. (audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) The good part about
having kids late in life, young, strong pallbearers. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) - Oh my God. (laughs) - Now, Alec, sit back,
unclench your fists, and I promise, this'll
be the funniest thing you've ever been a
part of that Tina Fey didn't carry you through.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) - And welcome to the
Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis.
(audience cheering) I am thrilled to be here. I've been a huge Bruce
Willis fan my entire life. My father was a huge
Bruce Willis fan, his father was a huge
Bruce Willis fan, and his father before him.
(audience laughing) But as an actor, I really
admire Bruce's work. He can play anything
from an asshole cop to an asshole ex-cop.
(audience laughing) And when you got
a star like Bruce, it takes no effort to
assemble a great dais. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Yeah.
(audience applauding) No effort at all. We have domestic guru,
Martha Stewart here with us. Martha.
(audience cheering) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Martha's gonna do great tonight. She's used to working
with unwanted leftovers. (audience laughing) Lil Rel, good to see you, sir. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Little Rel was on
"The Carmichael Show," and now, he's got his own show. And critics say it'll be similar to "The Carmichael
Show," canceled. (audience laughing) And it's awesome that
Edward Norton is here. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) What's up, man? One of the world's
greatest living actors is going to get roasted
by Edward Norton. (audience laughing) We also have peacemaker
Dennis Rodman here with us tonight. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) - Well, shit. I'm gonna roast-
- Dennis Rodman returning once again
from North Korea. You know, Dennis may
be the only person on the planet who can
prevent a nuclear war. (audience cheering)
So... I guess this is goodbye.
(audience laughing) So Bruce Willis. What a career, right? "The Fifth Element,"
"The Sixth Sense," "The Whole Nine
Yards," "12 Monkeys." Zero Oscars.
(audience laughing) Quentin Tarantino, M. Night
Shayamalan, Wes Anderson, Michael Bay, these are just
some of Bruce's directors who refused to be here tonight. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Bruce Willis is what
you get if you isolate the white part of
Dwayne The Rock Johnson. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And it's not just action
movies that made Bruce a star. He's actually a great
dramatic actor, too. I love "The Sixth Sense."
(audience cheering) It's a great movie.
(audience cheering) And it's a really
impressive performance. I don't know how you pretended
not to be embarrassed while a 10 year old kid
acted circles around you. (audience laughing)
But you did it. And the ending, I did not
see that twist coming. I mean, I shouldn't
spoil it, but I mean, (beep) it, it's
been like 20 years. It's so good, okay? So at the end of "The Sixth
Sense," Bruce goes back to making shitty movies.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding) I had a blast working with
Bruce in a time travel movie called "Looper."
(audience cheering) Thank you, thank you. So in the film, I play
a young Bruce Willis, and he played a washed
up Bruce Willis. But it was this crazy sci-fi
premise where I end up in the future and Bruce
ends up in a good movie made after 1999.
(audience laughing) We want you to have
a good time tonight, but don't get too
comfortable up here, because later, we're
gonna be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher. - [Audience] Oh!
- Relax. Relax. Bruce gets along with him fine. He was even at Ashton
and Demi's wedding. His gift was a toaster
and $90 million. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Well, listen, whatever
anybody says here tonight, here's the truth, okay? Deep down, every
single one of us wishes that we could have that courage, that swagger of like,
I don't give a (beep) that you embody better
than any other movie star of our time, really. You give us what we want,
and we love you for it. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) And so, tonight, let's honor
one of the three founders of Planet Hollywood.
(audience laughing) Not the one who won an
Oscar, and not the one who became the
governor of California, but the one whose agent is
just an outgoing message that says, "He'll take it!" Walter Bruce Willis.
(audience cheering) - We are here to
celebrate the career of a groundbreaking comedian, a hugely successful woman, "Celebrity Apprentice"
champ, a true comedy icon. (audience cheering) And a legendary bitch.
(audience laughing) Tonight, we're here for the one and only, Joan (beep) Rivers. Give it up!
(audience cheering) Yeah. We can only pray Joan
will have half as big a nervous breakdown as she did on "The Celebrity Apprentice." (audience laughing) That's juicy, wasn't it? Poker player! White trash! You're worse than Hitler! Worse than Hitler. And she still won.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) That's kinda the
best part, isn't it? (audience applauding) You know why? Because Joan has got the biggest and maybe hairiest
balls in this room. (audience laughing) Next to Brad Garrett.
(audience laughing) And what an honor to have a
true comedy icon here tonight, Mr. Carl Reiner.
(audience cheering) How 'bout that?
(audience cheering) - Very lucky. You're very lucky. Luckiest people in the world. - Carl, you're a
barely living legend. (audience laughing) Now you remember
Joan, don't you, Carl? God made her out of
one of your ribs. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Now as you know, Joan and I
share a large gay following. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) And he's here tonight. Let's hear it for Brad Garrett. (audience laughing)
Good for him. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Brad, Brad, Brad, look at you. Sitting there with a
gut full of resentment, and by resentment, I
mean Ray Romano's semen. (audience laughing) - Good. - But for all of you
homophobes out there, beware. Tonight is gonna be
gayer than that kid from "American Idol" this year. (audience laughing) Ryan Seacrest.
(audience laughing) Um...
(audience laughing) But let's talk about the
real Queen of Comedy. Not only is Joan a
comedian, she's an author, director, and most importantly,
she's still breathing. (audience laughing) And now, let's do what
everyone is afraid to do. Take a close look
at Joan Rivers. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Now a lot of people are
going to joyously say a lot of terrible things
about you tonight, Joan, but as the saying goes, sticks and stones
may break your bones, but at your age, you
could actually break a hip taking a.
(audience laughing) When Joan was born, the doctors
took a look at her and said, "Holy shit, we're gonna
make a fortune on this one." (audience laughing) Then they got on the Mayflower
and set sail for America. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Our Joan started
out in Brooklyn, as little Joan Bellinski. You know, my Joanie,
Jewish girls are supposed to grow up and marry
doctors, not support them. (audience laughing) Joan is not an Orthodox Jew, but men still (beep)
her through a sheet so they don't have
to look at that face. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Joan, can we talk? My guess is you don't much
of a sex life anymore. The only people you're
screwing these days are your customers at QVC. (audience laughing) By the way, I've
got the earrings on. I've got the earrings on. I've got the earrings on. Joan Rivers Collection,
I love them. (audience laughing)
(Joan laughs) Joan, look, you
know I adore you. You're an inspiration to me. You have made it
possible, certainly, for every female
comedian to work. You're a trailblazer. You're the first and
last woman in the history of network late
night to have a show. (audience applauding) You put the red
carpet on the map. Nobody watched the red
carpet before Joan. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) You put that whole
thing on the map. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) You've got a fantastic career. You're famous all
over the world, and no matter where
you go or who you meet, everyone says the same
thing your gynecologist said the first time he
took a look at you. What an ugly (beep)!
(audience laughing) Honestly, Joan,
you're my favorite. You know that. So let the roasting begin.
(audience cheering) - Welcome to the Comedy
Central Roast of Roseanne. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Huh? (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Oh my goodness. What a night. Roseanne, Ellen Barkin,
Katey Sagal, Carrie Fisher. It's like a menopause-a-palooza. (audience laughing) This show is serving up
more old spoiled hens that a Chick-fil-A.
(audience laughing) Oh, and that reminds me. (beep) Chick-fil-A. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Okay?
(audience cheering) Thank you. Tonight, we honor a
true show business icon. She is one of those
rare celebrities so famous that she's referred
to by just one name: bitch. (audience laughing) Ellen Barkin is here.
(audience cheering) Huh? Ellen, your sex scene
in "Sea of Love" is the reason I'm a lesbian. (audience laughing) There's nothing like
seeing Al Pacino's greasy, bare ass on the
screen to make a girl wanna eat pussy like she's
about to be executed. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) Right? Carrie Fisher is here.
(audience cheering) Now Carrie's here to
put Roseanne's weight and drug problems
into perspective. (audience laughing) Carrie was once one of the
hottest actresses in Hollywood, but that was a long time ago,
in a galaxy far, far away. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) And one of the good ones,
Wayne Brady is here. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Now Wayne, you're gonna
hear a lot of jokes tonight about how you're not
a real Black man, but I just want you to know-
(audience laughing) I still hid my purse.
(audience laughing) - Good. - Roseanne, it's great
to finally meet you. You know, I waved
to you outside, but then I realized
it was just one of those inflatable
parking lot gorillas. (Roseanne laughs)
(audience laughing) What a huge mark you've made
on the entertainment industry. There's your groundbreaking
show, "Roseanne," and then there's-
(audience cheering) Yes. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) And then, of course, there's
reruns of "Roseanne." (audience laughing) And having a hit show
finally allowed you to do what you truly
love to do: fire people. (audience laughing)
Mm-hmm. Of course, you've
experienced controversy. Everyone remembers your version of "The Star Spangled Banner". (audience cheering) Now who could've predicted that your beautiful
speaking voice wouldn't translate to singing? (audience laughing)
(Roseanne cackling) Then you moved on to
spiritual pursuits. Roseanne, you're a Jew
that converted to Mormon, who converted to
Kabbalah, and in 1990, of course, you
converted to white trash (audience laughing)
when you married Tom Arnold. Now Roseanne, it's not your
fault you were attracted to Tom. You thought, with all that
white powder on his upper lip, there must be a donut somewhere. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) Roseanne said she
had plastic surgery to get away from Tom Arnold, much like a non-crazy
person would use a car. (audience laughing) By the way, Tom Arnold
wanted to be here tonight, but at the last minute,
no one asked him. (audience laughing) - Tonight, we're
here to pay tribute to an actor, an
author, director, humanitarian and
incomparable show biz whore. (audience laughing) I'm talking, of course,
about Bob Saget. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) Now if you younger
viewers are tuning in to watch Uncle Jesse
help Danny Tanner find a tender way to solve
one of Michelle's problems, go (beep) yourself.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) So the good news is, we're
here to bust Saget's balls. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) The bad news is,
it's yet another show starring Bob Saget.
(audience laughing) Which means it won't be
funny, and it'll go on for (beep) ever.
(audience laughing) I was with you for 192
episodes of "Full House." And I can honestly
say you don't have a funny bone in your body. (audience laughing) Unless, of course,
you count the one time you sat on Dave Coulier's cock. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And by sat on, I mean
hungrily backed into. (audience laughing) And by one time, I
mean eight seasons. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You know, the whole time Bob
and I were doing "Full House," he was also hosting "America's
Funniest Home Videos." He did that show for so
long, he can't get a boner unless a six year old
boy whacks his balls with a wiffle bat.
(audience laughing) Bob's last HBO special was
called "That Ain't Right." It should've been called
"That Ain't Watchable." (audience laughing) It was the most pathetic
piece of shit I ever seen. And need I remind you, I did
eight seasons of "Full House." (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Bob, you're an
undeniable success, deserving of the
millions of dollars you lost in the divorce.
(audience laughing) Bob, you are a class act, and you've been there for me through the good times and bad, and I'm so flattered
you asked me to be the Roastmaster
this evening. I think this is gonna be
a great night for you. I hope you have the time
of your life, buddy. - Thank you. (audience cheering)
(audience applauding) (bright jazzy music)
