- If it wasn't for white boys like you, I'd have been a broke pimp. ♪ If you a pimp and you know it ♪ ♪ You don't love them hoes ♪ ♪ I was the girl on your sex tape ♪ - Goddamn sex tape. - It's got over a billion hits on YouTube because I'm in it. (people applauding) - Kevin, you look good tonight though. On some real shit, nephew,
you look real good. I didn't know The
Muppets made mother(beep) clothes for a (beep) though. (audience laughs) - Son of a bitch. - Yes, sir. I don't need no warm up. I've been smoking and drinking. I feel real good about myself. (audience applauding) Now, check this out. I done done a whole bunch of rolls, right? But they never let a real player on stage with me until tonight. We got Ludacris in the mother(beep) house. (audience applauding) Luda, Luda. I love that song of yours where said ♪ If you a pimp and you know it ♪ ♪ You don't love them hoes ♪ That shit was tight. But you know who else
said that that was tight? Me, 15 years before you did it. (beep), stop biting my shit. (audience cheering) But here's one of
Ludacris's original rhymes. ♪ There's hoes in the room ♪ ♪ There's hoes in the car ♪ ♪ There's hoes on the stage ♪ ♪ There's hoes by the bar ♪ (beep), are you a rapper or Dr. Seuss? (audience laughs) Now, this little bitty fine
little Natasha Leghetto. Is that how you say it? Leghetto? - No, but that's okay. - Leghetto. That's how we say it. I seen how you was looking
at me though, right? What I wanna know is have you ever sucked
the Black (beep) before? (audience laughs) Hey, I'm going off script right now. I just really wanna know. (audience applauding) Hey, something about this pimping, man, you understand me? When I'm pimping, man, that shit just go every direction. But let me talk about
my homeboy right here, Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq Daddy. I always say the Shaq is the
greatest Laker of all time, unless I'm chilling with Kobe Bryant. - Oh! (audience laughs) - Now that I done said
what I needed to say about all the rest of
these hoes and bitches up on the stage, it's time to
talk about the of the hour: Justin leave it Bieber. (audience cheers) Justin's life changed when
Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes to prove that Usher ain't Black. (audience laughs) Now, Justin, most (beep) just like myself, we go a little crazy when we get famous. Buy some dope cars,
(beep) some bad bitches, but (beep), you bought a monkey. (audience laughs) I mean that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started
the AIDS epidemic. Now, with J Bird got arrested, he had a big smile in his mugshot. Not because he gangsta, because he knows what goes on in jail. (audience laughs) Now Justin, you so mother(beep) pretty, when the inmates saw your
mug shot, they swipe right. (audience laughs) Let me say this to you,
JB, Justin Bieber, DMB. Damn near Black. Now see, Black people, we normally hate when white people try to steal our culture and be like us, minus the discrimination, police brutality, and
the marching and shit. That was until Justin Bieber came along. We don't mind him smoking weed in public while sagging in the club,
pissing in a mop bucket, drunk driving, living in a
mansion while playing loud music and hating the neighbors
for not welcoming change. Welcome to the family, my (beep). - Thank you. (audience cheers) Thank you so much. It is an honor to be here. I do wanna say, first
of all, as a feminist, I can't support everything
that's being set up here tonight. But as somebody that hates Ann
Coulter, I'm delighted, so. (audience cheering) It is nice to see my friend David Spade. You guys are well aware his assistant once tried to murder him, which I don't know, I guess the stress of answering the phone twice
a month finally got to him. That'd be hard. That'd be hard. David Spade amazingly has slept with some of the most beautiful
actresses in Hollywood, proving just how ugly show
business makes women feel. (audience laughs) And look at this little
nugget, Pete Davidson. It's hard to recognize
him when he's not on SNL or on an adventure with
the man in the yellow hat. (audience laughs) And Ralph Macchio is here. Who doesn't love Ralph Macchio? Bill collectors. (audience laughs) And actual karate masters. And I don't, real actors and Italians. You know, people. (audience laughs) And there's Rob Riggle. Rob, you look like every dad who can't handle having a gay son. (audience laughs) It's just what comes to mind. I don't know. And Peyton Manning is here, because Eli is still out
there making his dad proud. (audience laughs) Ann, you do look great though. You're almost as thin
as Donald Trump's chance of winning the election, so that's cool. (audience cheers) Actually, you wouldn't believe it. It's really a small world, because last week I was behind Ann Coulter in line at Chipotle, and
she ordered something to go. The entire kitchen staff. She was like, "Leave (audience laughs) "the country." What's weird is believe it or not, gay men love Ann Coulter. It's because two seconds
into hearing her speak they remember why they hate pussy. Speaking of pussy, Rob Lowe. People may be wondering what
my connection is to Rob. Well, years ago, I was cast
in a show called "Lion's Den." I'm sure none of you saw it
because it starred Rob Lowe. But anyway, the first script said that Rob and I were supposed to kiss, and I asked them if they could rewrite it so I wouldn't have to, because I knew where that mouth had been. But they said no, and I had to do it. So years later, Rob wrote in his memoir that I was the only girl in history who did not want to kiss Rob Lowe. He talked about on his book tour, he bitched about it on "Howard Stern." He even made out with Ellen
to show her what it was like. (audience laughs)
Yeah. Well, that part I actually
kind of understood, because kissing him did
make me feel like a lesbian. (audience laughs) So Rob, I know you've always wondered why I didn't kiss you that day. So, tonight I will tell you why in song. (audience cheers) (gentle guitar music) ♪ Rob was so shocked on the Lion's Den ♪ ♪ When I did not want to kiss him ♪ ♪ You see the problem, Rob,
is you're such a whore ♪ ♪ You completely forgot ♪ ♪ We hooked up before ♪ ♪ 'Cause you showed me your penis ♪ ♪ When I was just 16-ish ♪ ♪ Back in 1988 ♪ ♪ I was the girl on your sex tape ♪ ♪ Maybe you missed my name ♪ ♪ 'Cause you were high
on so much cocaine ♪ ♪ Out of all your films ♪ ♪ I'm the best thing you were ever in ♪ ♪ Yeah, in his whole career ♪ ♪ I'm the best thing Rob
Lowe has ever been in ♪ (audience cheers) And that's why I didn't wanna
kiss you, you son of a bitch. Thank you, goodnight. - Make some noise for Kevin
Hart, ladies and gentlemen. (audience cheers)
Thank you. I just recently got married. That's something to celebrate. (audience cheers) And Kevin was at my wedding because I needed a miniature
Black man on my cake, so thank you for that. (Kevin laughs)
(audience cheers) My good friend Shaquille
O'Neal is here that evening. Look at those big ass feet. Man, you got toes in different
area codes right now. You do realize that, right? Shaq's fingers are so big,
every text he's ever sent is just every letter of the alphabet at the same damn time. I'm just playing, Shaq. You know you are truly one
of the most original rappers. And by that, I mean most of your CDs are still covered in
their original wrapper. You do know that? I believe the Dogg father's
is in the house tonight. (audience cheers) Snoop, your homie, Dr. Dre, just became a billionaire last year and you should be proud. There's not a lot of Black billionaires. There's Dr. Dre and the
guy that sells you weed. (audience laughs) I mean, you are a legend, which is a nice way of
saying you old as (beep). You only do it doggy style now because it's easier on your lower back. (audience laughs) I see you over there
laughing, Martha Stewart. What you laughing at, huh? She's so old, if you look closely at
the hundred dollar bill, you can see Martha photobombing Ben Franklin in the background. So, let's get to the kid that I've known longer
than anybody else up here, Mr. Justin Bieber. (audience cheers) He may have just turned 21, but Justin will always be a baby to me, since babies piss everywhere and never know when to shut the (beep) up. (audience laughs) I remember one day I got this call saying, "We want you to collaborate
with this little dude "who will do anything to get famous." And I was like, "Great,
I love Kevin Hart." (audience laughs)
You know? That's my guy. But this dude turned out to
be Justin mother(beep) Bieber, and together we dropped
a track called "Baby." (audience cheers) It's got over a billion hits on YouTube. That's because I'm in it. It also has four million dislikes. That's because he's in it. But you've become a music icon, like a modern day Michael Jackson. The only difference is
as Michael got older, he acted whiter. (audience laughs) Justin Bieber wants to be Black so bad he actually has seen Kevin
Hart's movies in theaters, ladies and gentlemen. (audience laughs) - Ouch. - Justin, honestly, I feel bad kicking you while you're down, but since you wanna be Black, you might as well get used to it, man. (audience laughs) Now, honestly, man, it takes a very brave soul to get up here, and I just wanna say, I love you JB. I'm glad that you did this. This is a beautiful thing. Y'all make some noise
for my man Justin Bieber. - Damn, you guys were brutal. Goodness gracious. This is supposed to be a birthday present. (audience laughs) When I tell people what I
got from my 21st birthday, I get to tell him that
I got my dick kicked in. (audience laughs) Look, I'm new to comedy, but
here's a joke, all right? What do you get when you
give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling
you a lesbian for two hours. (audience cheers) All right, all right, I'm playing. You guys were all really funny tonight. When we were looking for a roast master, we called Jamie Foxx, Chris Rock, and they both couldn't do it. Then I had a great idea. Let's call Kevin Hart and see if he has Dave Chappelle's number. (audience laughs) - Well, of course. - He didn't have it. He didn't have it. Kevin, you were awesome tonight. I have huge respect for Kevin Hart. Kevin loves seeing
himself on the big screen. For him, that's an iPad Mini. (audience laughs) Sorry. Kevin is so short, he
calls Lil Wayne, Wayne. (audience laughs) I love Kevin Hart's career plan. Do everything Martin
Lawrence did, only shittier. (audience laughs) (Kevin laughing) And Martha, thanks for coming. I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore. (audience laughs) Natasha Leggero. This is my first time seeing you perform. You were really great, even though you didn't shoot
out a single ping pong ball, like Snoop promise. (audience laughs) Luda. What's up, man? I knew you would show up for me tonight. I feel like I've known you my whole life, but that's just because you look like the Mr. Potatohead I had as a kid. (audience laughs) Luda and I had-- (Kevin laughing) - That's good. That's good. - Luda and I had a lot of hours making the song "Baby" together. In fact, he told me it was the only baby he
ever made on purpose. (audience laughs) Of course, I had to have
one of my favorite people in the world here
tonight, Shaquille O'Neal. Thanks for coming, man. I love you dude, but how in 19 seasons have you
only made one three-pointer? I've hit more pedestrians with my car. (audience laughs) And Hannibal Buress, thank
you so much for being here. I don't really know much about you, but from what I've been hearing, I hope you don't know
much about me either. (audience laughs) - Snoop Doggy Dogg. What's up, man? He's way too shy to admit this, but he was actually the
Billboard's top male artists the year I was born. And look at you now, Snoop. You're one of the 10 dudes at my roast sitting right next to Martha
Stewart and that Hannibal guy. How cool is this? So cool. You made it. Proud of you, man.
(audience laughs) I'm proud of you. (audience cheering) Before I go, I wanna thank
everyone for tonight. This roast was a dream of mine. And I especially wanna thank all my fans, the dais, and everyone watching at home. I turned a lot of people
off over the past few years, but I know I can still turn out good music and turn everything all around. You have my word. I will not end up
broken, pathetic, bitter, or sitting on the dais
of somebody else's roast. (audience laughs) (audience cheers)
No, but seriously. Really, let's get serious for a second. There was really no
preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old and didn't really know what
I was getting myself into. There's been moments I'm really proud of, and a lot of moments I look back and I'm pretty disappointed in myself for. But the things that I've done
really don't define who I am. I'm a kindhearted person who loves people, and through it all, I lost
some of my best qualities. For that, I'm sorry. But what I can say is I'm
looking forward to being someone that you guys can all
look at and be proud of, someone you can smile at
and see some of yourself in. Someone close to me once said, "It's how you rise from a fall "that truly defines you as a man." I'm excited for that challenge, and I wanna say thank you so much for taking this journey with me, and I'm excited for
you to see what's next. Thank you God for your grace
and for never giving up on me. (audience cheering) But one more thing. One more thing before I go. There's someone in my life who
I owe a special apology to. I'm talking about someone
who I really loved and lost because I screwed it all up. But thankfully that special someone, the love of my life, is here tonight. I just want that second chance. So, if you could come on out. (audience laughs) - This is your monkey. - I missed you, buddy. Wanna go to the zoo? I'm just kidding. Thank you so much and goodnight. - I'm not really a comic, you know? I'm a smoker. I've been clean and
sober for a fucking year, so all these drug yolks,
jokes, are, you know, retarded. Yolks, jokes. (audience laughs) I'm wondering, why am I here? Why am I here? And it was just a nice change
from the usual sort of, you know, where am I? (audience laughs) You know, last year when I was
being carted off to Bellevue, I was sort of above myself looking down, and all I could think of
was get on the gurney was, "Pam would look so much better "in this straight jacket than me." (audience laughs) Me and Pam both have
really wild reputations. As a matter of fact, last
week I was handcuffed, I was maced, I was locked in a cell, I was sodomized without a condom, and just my luck, I lost the guy's number. (audience laughs) So, okay, I mean, I don't
know that this is true, but you know, it's been
said on television, it's been said in Rolling Stone. It's about both of us. You know, apparently me and
Pam both have both a reputation for being the best in the best
fucks in the entire world. (audience cheers) 'Cause we give it all. The only difference is Pam's
the girl that you wanna fuck and tell all your friends about, and I'm the girl that you wanna fuck and you refuse to tell
any of your friends about and then go see the doctor. (audience laughs) And Pam's my real friend. This isn't like a joke roast. Like, I'm here giving
my rock cred, all right? My like, knock on wood, never
had a bad review rock cred to Pam Anderson, because I
actually totally love her. And we are really, really close. And Pam and I have our differences. She falls in love with the musicians. I fall in love with good musicians. (Pam laughs)
(audience laughs) But no matter how much we
disagree, I can't stay mad at her. The other day, she sat on my sunglasses. She broke them. But it was my fault. I was wearing them at the time. (audience laughs) And when it comes to drugs, you know me and Pam are total opposites. I have to pay for mine. (audience laughs)
(Pam laughs) Speaking of drugs, hi Tommy
Lee, you goddamn professional. Let me stand here and pretend that we have never slept together. (audience laughs) (audience cheering) Pam, I've got a great idea. I'm gonna teach you to
be a rockstar, okay? Seriously, I want you to cut
your little perfect nails and learn the three essential punk rock chords on your guitar, and you can teach me how
to sit on Hugh Hefner's lap and call him daddy without puking. (audience laughs) Pam, the truth is I love
you really a lot, and... I really do, And I want to protect you from all these evil
fucking, like, standup guys that are trying to make their goddamn name making fun of you. Fuck them. (audience laughs) All right, you know what my
favorite thing about you is? Other than your tits, and
your ass, and your thighs, and your cheeks, and your
teeth, and your hair, you're so fucking real. I love you Pamela. I really do. (audience cheers) All right, that was my
comedy fucking debut. Satan. - Ice-T! (audience cheers) - This is some right shit here, right? You gotta let mother(beep)
talk crazy about you and just stand there. I wanna bust a cap in some (beep) later. There's gonna be some shit. (audience cheering) Carrot Top. Where the (beep) do I start? Eyeliner, the muscles? Looks like halfway through your sex change your doctor just said, "(beep) it." (audience laughs) Brigitte Nielsen. I've never seen Brigitte
Nielsen up close before. Damn. I guess that's how you end up looking when the guy that's
(beep) you wears a clock that's busting you in the
face all (beep) night. (audience laughs) RuPaul. I mean Simone. (audience laughs) You the only bitch I know that can make a brother
cut a conjugal visit short. (audience laughs) And I must be the only
Black man in America who's never been inside
Lisa Lampanelli's (beep). (audience laughs) I tried to get in one night, but the fire marshal was in
there turning (beep) away. (audience laughs) My (beep) Snoop Dogg. Snoop smoked so much weed that he farted during the commercial, the whole front row got the munchies. (audience laughs) Let me get to the man of the hour. Flava Flav! (audience cheers) People look at me, they say, "OG." They look at mother(beep)
Flav, they go, "Oh shit." (audience laughs) People want to always know
about Flava Flav's teeth. Let me tell you. If you ate the type of (beep) Flav ate, you would want metal in your mouth too. (audience laughs) (audience cheers) "Flavor of Love" girls are here tonight. (audience cheers) I was in Hollywood when they
were doing the casting call. They just had one question, and it said, "Would you be
willing to eat a bowl of (beep) "to be on TV?" (audience laughs) And the ones that said yes made
it to "The Flavor of Love." (Flava Flav laughs)
(audience laughs) But I gotta say on the
strength of the love that I got for you, Flava Flav, you are one of my true
friends in hip hop, Snoop too, and that means a lot, you dig? And I love you, man, from the bottom of my
mother(beep) heart, man, - I love you too, man.
- That's what's up. - Can I get a big hell yeah for Pamela? - [Audience] Hell yeah! - Hi baby. Muah. You know what? This has been absolutely
fucking incredible, and if I've learned one thing, it's that all comedians have small dicks. - I can testify. It's true. - Yeah. Okay, well... - No, that's not true. - You do?
- You've seen it. You've seen it. - Let's see. That's small, dude. - Compared to you, man. (Tommy laughs)
(audience cheers) - Okay, actually, Jimmy
Kimmel came up to me backstage and he asked me what it was
like to have slept with Pam. And I said, "Well, it
must be like the feeling "that a comedian gets when
you get a huge laugh." And Jimmy said, "Could
you be more specific?" (audience laughs) And Courtney Love, God
it's so great to see you without a hospital gown and restraints on. (audience laughs) And God, Courtney can
really rock the house, or at least throw rocks at the house at 3:00 in the morning, drunk off her ass until the cops take her away in handcuffs. (audience laughs) (Tommy laughs) Oh God, speaking of people I met in rehab, Dennis Rodman's here tonight. Give it up. (audience cheers) The only guy on the
Earth with more rebounds than me and Pam. Okay, now for the real
reason I came here tonight. To honor my beautiful, talented, compassionate blonde ex-wife. Unfortunately, Heather Locklear
couldn't be here tonight, (audience laughs) so let's make fun of Pamela instead, okay? (audience cheers) Okay, this is actually a
special time for Pam to be here, because she just turned 38 and her tits just turned 14. Pam, I'll always remember the very first time that we met. It was at a club in Los Angeles, and you spotted me from across the room. You walked up to me and you
said those magical five words: "I will fuck any drummer." (audience cheers) Pam and I shared one of
history's greatest romances. It's like that book, um, uh... Who am I kidding? I've never read a book. I can barely read my fucking tattoos. (audience cheers) Okay, well, you can't
imagine what it's like coming home to Pam every night. I mean, unless you own an inflatable doll that nags and pays for your piercings. I'm kidding, baby. I'm so kidding. Pam is the sweetest person alive. I mean, look how much she loves animals, the closest thing I've ever
seen her come to animal cruelty was the time she shaved her pussy. (audience laughs) She's always doing cool stuff
to spice up our love life, like the trapeze she
installed in our bedroom. To this day, I cannot go to a circus without getting a boner. (audience laughs) Honestly, I can't go anywhere
without getting a boner. (audience cheers) Like I said, Pam, we've
had our ups and downs, mostly in bed, but I'll make you a deal tonight, okay? I'll forgive you for Kid Rock if you forgive me for
the stripper in Detroit, the twins in Grand Rapids, the blonde from the House of Blues, the brunette from the House of Blues, and the redhead I'm meeting later tonight. (audience laughs) And of course, Bea Arthur. (audience laughs) Okay, Pam, before I leave, I just wanted to say you've
always been there for me and your spirit and kindness
is an inspiration to me. Like I said 500,000 times
and on that damn sex tape, I fucking loving love you, baby. - Flava Flav! (audience cheering) Wow! One time, let me hear you say Flava Flav! - [Audience] Flava Flav! (audience cheering) - After listening to all
these jokes about me, I just realized something. I'm (beep) up. (Flava Flav laughs) Seriously y'all, this roast
reminds me of my show. It's one star in a room full of bitches. (audience laughs) All you roasters, I'm about to give all you nicknames like I be doing the girls on my show. (audience cheers) Starting with you, Kat. I'm gonna call you sickle cell, because Black folks is the
only ones that get you. Yo, Snoop. Take the hood off your head my nizzle. For shizzle, nizzle. I can't believe some of
the shit you said about me, but let's face it it homes, this ain't the first time
you got away with murder. (audience laughs) Brigitte Nielsen. Yo, you know I respect you. I value you as a person. So, I'm gonna call you
Titty Mc Giant Jugs. (audience laughs) - All right. (Brigitte laughs) - Wow! I love you, Gita. - And I love you too.
- You heard me? I just wanna say it's
been a great honor, man, to be made fun of by all of these talented
people up here, you know? And I ain't going to lie, man, but I've been through some hard times, you know what I'm saying, in my life, but tonight you're man Flava
Flav is back on top, baby. (audience cheering) Thank y'all for coming. You know what I'm saying? Yo, Snoop, Ice, Jimmy, Carrot,
everybody, all y'all man. I love y'all, man. Thank y'all for coming. Good night, y'all. - That's a pretty dress you have on, Lisa. Pink camouflage, that's truly nice. You look like Apocalypse Cow. You know, I've been in Iraq,
and I've been to Afghanistan about 118 shows, but Lisa still has the biggest
camel toe I've ever seen. (audience laughs) Hey, let's talk about these other city slickers on the stage. Greg Geraldo? Who the fuck's that? You were really funny tonight, Greg. Between roasts, Greg has
to sell his blood, sperm, and furniture to make rent. (audience laughs) Luckily, all his furniture is
covered in blood and sperm. (audience laughs) And Warren Sapp's here. Look at you, Warren. Getting ready to do your first
comedy standup debut, man. You look like Bernie Mac and cheese. (audience laughs) And Maureen McCormick's here. Marsha Brady. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. Man. (audience cheers) She used to get so high on coke, she'd hear voices in her head. Too bad none of them was an acting coach. (audience laughs) Her country music career
was such a tragic event I could have written
three albums about it. Her music was so bad I
forgave the Dixie Chicks. (audience laughs) And it's really an honor
for me to be here tonight with Gary Busey, man. Gary Busey's here. He's a good old Texas boy. Oklahoma boy. (audience cheers) You know, Gary never got his
star on Hollywood Boulevard, but dude, you did leave a
nose on Pacific coast highway. The only guy who made
worst travel decisions than you pal was Buddy Holly. (audience laughs) Is it too early for that shit? (audience laughs) And Jeff Foxworthy is so popular he has fans that follow
him from show to show, which is pretty easy to do
when they live in their car. (audience laughs) Say what y'all want to about Jeff, but he's the only clean
comic on the stage. By that, I mean he can pass a drug test. His urine is crystal clear. And according to Larry,
a little bit salty. (audience laughs)
(Jeff laughing) Ah, come on, Larry's
been blowing Jeff so long they could be cousins, man. And you don't see a lot of
people around Los Angeles dress like Larry, you know? Unless it's lesbo bowling
night at Hollywood Lanes. (audience laughs) In "Delta Force," Larry
made movie history. He was the first guy ever to play a retard and not win an Oscar. (audience laughs) - Yeah, I hear you. - And it's a great, great thing
that Larry's on Nutrisystem, because if his fat, pasty got any fatter, Warren Sapp would be trying to it fuck it. (audience laughs) Truth is Larry, you put a lot of smiles on a lot of people's faces. Times being what they are, I'd say that makes you pretty great man. You may not be smart, you may not be funny, but somehow you're a success. Larry symbolizes all that
America has to offer. And as I speak, there are thousands of troops
in Iraq and Afghanistan serving to protect that dream. That, and to get as far as possible away from Larry the Cable Guy. Good night. (upbeat music)
