- [Announcer] Tonight, the
roast master general, Jeff Ross, finally comes off the judges
bench and into the arena to make his battling debut. Roast master, what's
your strategy tonight? (audience laughs) He's going against this guy. NBA all star, Blake Griffin. Blake, you ready for this
tonight? It's going to get ugly. - Wait, it can actually
get uglier than Jeff? (audience laughs and cheers) - Roast battle, starts now. (hip hop beat) - I've been preparing to
do my first roast battle and I've been watching
these battles for years, and I've got to admit,
I have a new respect for the battlers. The crap is psychological,
challenges in your head, of when to hit, when to take
the joke and when to attack. It's a lot to think about. - I don't have a lot
of comedy experience, I just enjoy comedy.
I watch comedy. I love standup, comedy
movies, TV shows. I'd watch the comedy central
roast for a long time. - Blake's a champion, he's a championship
level basketball player and guys like him have
been talking smack, taking jokes since he's a kid. So I do think he's kind
of a smack talk expert. - All the trash talk you do
in the NBA is just kinda of like, one on one, no one
else is really listening, so this is a little different
when you're onstage in front of a crowd. Mic'd
up for a tv show. - Getting judged by my
pals is going to be tough but it's another thing that
battlers have to go through all the time. We're big roast battle family. So even though I'm rising to
the challenge of doing my first roast battle, I still feel very much at home. Like this is my home court. - I feel like I'm the
underdog in this situation, I don't know. I don't really see it as much
pressure but the pressures is on me. I'm ready. (whish sound) (audience chants) Battle. - [Announcer] Whose
ready for the main event? (audience cheers) Our challenger is no
stranger to slams. He was an NBA rookie of the
year, slam dunk champion, and a five time NBA all star. Los Angeles, please welcome
back, for one night only, he's tall and ready to
ball, Big Blake Griffin. (audience cheers) (intense music beat) And his opponent, from
New York, New Jersey, weighing in at way
more than he should, he's roasting everyone
from criminals, to the president of
the United States, which is actually
the same thing. Please welcome from brick city, the ball buster, our roast
master general, Jeffery Ross. (audience cheers and claps) (soft music) (beat and cheers intensify) - [Audience] (chants) Battle. - [Announcer] Oh
they're ready baby. Blake, it's home
court advantage, why'd
you challenge Jeff? - Honestly man, when it
comes to this, whether it's basketball or
something like this, I always want to go
against the best. So I asked like ten people
and none of them could do it, so here we are. (audience cheers) - Jeff, why'd you accept
Blake's challenge? - Because I am the
Lebron of roasting. (audience cheers) Which is still better than
being the Blake Griffin of basketball. (audience groans and cheers) - Alright. Jeff, you
know the rules because you invented them. But for Blake's sake
and for Pete's sake, here are the rules
of roast battle. Rule one, original
material only. Rule two, no physical contact and Blake, I am the ref. No bitching, no
moaning, no complaining. (audience cheers and laughs) And after every battle, we hug. Jeff, Blake, who
wants to go first? - I would love to go first. (audience cheers) - Okay. Blake Griffin,
Peter Griffin, let's roll. (bell dings) - Just real quick,
before we get started. Honestly, I have
some unfortunate news to share with you guys. After working for
24 hours straight, Jeff's makeup girl just
hung herself in the back. (audience gasps and laughs) Yes you're ugly is what I-- (audience cheers) - Blake I'm just glad
to see you healthy and ready for the season. Everybody talks about
your busted knees, no one talks about
that busted face. (audience laughs) You look like Morgan
Freeman bleached. (audience laughs and cheers) (audience cheers) - That was a good
shot. A good shot. Honestly, I feel like
you could get hurt, but the only way you
can get inside of a gym is if you literally
****ed a guy named Jim. (audience cheering) (audience cheering
and screaming) (whistle sound) - No, listen guys. Listen. It's a roast battle, so
Jeff's going to take a couple on the chin tonight, but Jeff, I'm honestly--I'm
a gracious guy, so I'm going to let you
decide which one of your chins you take it on. (audience cheers) one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, chins in my bank account. Chins in my bank
account, chins-- (audience joins in and cheers) - Blake, good luck
in Detroit. (laughs) That's the whole joke. (audience laughs) No no no, hold on. Good luck in Detroit
Blake, you know what, I think you're just white enough not to get shot by the cops. (audience moans) But be careful because
you're now the worst shooter in the most violent
city in america. (audience groans and cheers) Blake lives matter. Blake lives
matter. Blake lives matter. (baseball themed music) - That's good man. And make
sure the joke is really good considering you look like the
only Neo Nazi Jewish person. (Jeff laughs) (audience cheers) Jeff, you're so ugly, today I
realized for the first time, that Jeff Ross looks
like Darth Vader after they took his helmet off. (audience cheers) (lion roaring) - Blake your half Haitian, so it's no wonder all your
teams have been a disaster with no leadership,
begging for help. (audience groans) Yeah. What do you got, you
****ing space jam alien. (audience laughs) (cartoon kick sound) - Jeff, it's really funny
that you bring that up. You're such a bald
piece of shit. (audience laughs) It honestly looks like
we both got ****ed over by the clippers. (audience cheers and laughs) - Blake, I do hope someday
you come back to California to pursue your show
business dreams, because you never
know when Hollywood's going to be looking
for a leading man that looks like Patrick Ewing ****ed a Chucky doll. (audience groans) You look like Pippi
extra long stocking. (audience cheers) - That's better. That's
better. That's better. - You look like-- [Blake] Oh, we're still going - An albino that
God cooked too long. (audience cheers) - That's good. That's good. - [Announcer] Last joke. - Jeff, you know, when people
talk about the best basketball player of all time, they refer to them as the goat. And when people talk about
the best roast master of all time, they refer to him
as Anthony Jeselnik. (audience cheers loudly) - Alright buddy, you
want to get personal, I'll get personal. Blake, everyone knows you
recently dated Kendall Jenner. (audience groans) But what they don't know is, I heard she broke up with you
because she caught you staring at her dad's tits. (audience groans and cheers) And just like the clippers, Kendall eventually traded you
for another basketball player. Man. (audience cheers) Man, dude, the season
hasn't even started yet and your ex is already
leading you in rebounds. (audience groan and cheers) - Wait, no take a lap. I'm not going to lie, that's
really really really funny. But like real quick,
let's just talk about, real quick, about the last girl
that Jeff Ross ****ed. (audience groans and cheers) The last girl that Jeff
Ross ****ed, let's see. Okay so, so, if Jeff is 89 years old. Wait, no, for real guys, let
me just think for a second. The last girl that
Jeff Ross ****ed. Guys, can I get a second.
Stop, this isn't a joke. (audience cheers) We're thinking about the last
girl that Jeff Ross ****ed. (audience cheers) Have you ever ****ed anyone? Ever? - Blake-- - Wait. The last girl that
Jeff Ross ****ed. (audience cheering loudly) - That's all I got. (audience cheers) (bell dings) - Oh my god. Sound the
buzzer, this was over. - You killed me. That hurt. - No. - I have had sex, you know that. - (laughs) I don't. I just
don't know that, for sure. - I don't know who wins,
but I want a rematch. - We go toe to toe and we
come back and do it again. It's a heavy weight fight. - We just saw love city and
slob city go one on one. Judges, I get to pick
who goes first here. Anthony, who scored? - This is so tough, Jeff. I always describe you as my
brother from another mother, but Blake, you came
out here as an amateur, an amateur roaster, and you gave it the
respect it deserved. I like how you pointed out
that I'm the best roaster of all time. (audience claps) A lot of people
don't get that right, so I appreciate that you did. And you had some great jokes. My only concern, I hope your
hands are okay because you knocked him out like he was a trainer on
your own team. And that was-- (audience cheers) It was amazing. I vote for Blake, sorry Jeff. Don't take it personally,
but it is very personal. (audience cheers) - [Announcer] Blake
Griffin, one vote. Jeff Ross, no votes. Nikki
Glazer. Who do you like? - I thought this was
going to be so easy. You know, like it's
Jeff ****ing Ross. It's Jeff Ross, the
greatest at this. And Blake Griffin, I cannot believe how
hot you are. But also-- (audience cheers) - Yes - That was distracting - We didn't know
you could be funny. We've only seen you in
your Kia commercials. So we didn't know. (everyone laughs) - Blake, you came out
with such a dark joke about Jeff's make up
girl hanging herself, which I just loved. - [Blake] Thank you. Thank you. And then ****ed a guy named Jim. And then the last joke,
I loved what you did. You turned the style on it's
head, you definitely tried some different stuff. You sat on the ground and you
let that last joke just sit and ****ing sit and sit and sit. But I was so impressed. This should be so much easier
than it is, but then Jeff. - It's just Nikki,
Nikki makes it hard. - I know. (audience cheers) - Jeff, I loved that
you're dressed like JFK jr at his dad's funeral (audience yells) (gun shot) It's adorable. (audience whistle) Jeff, you brought it the whole
time and then when you got into the Kendall stuff, with the dads tits. I mean, that was
just another level. Jeff Ross, you ****ing
won this. You won Jeff. It was close
though. It was hard. - One for Blake Griffin, one for Jeff Ross. Pete Davidson. You're
a thinkly ambiguous, just like Blake Griffin. - Thanks. - You going for the home
team or big homie Jeff Ross. - I thought Blake did a
****ing fantastic job. It's annoying how talented you are. I've always said
this to my friends. I hope we can be friends too. No, you're sick. I'm a big fan. But that last joke lasted
longer than any of your seasons and I was like-- (audience cheering) That shit like that
was long as ****, but you did as good
as you could ever do. I wouldn't be able
to do that good. Also Anthony Jeselnik is
the best roast joke guy of all time. Him and Geraldo. So that was true. But Jeff, you look like Jack
Black in school of crack rock. (audience cheers) ♪ Lawrence is good at piano. ♪ (audience laughs) Sorry, I'm on mushrooms. Anyway, Jeff, seriously,
you had me ****ing dying, also when you shot
it and it went in and I've never been
happier for a person. I wanted that ball to go in so
****ing bad. I was like yeah. You won. Jeff won. He did. But like, Blake did
as good as he possibly could and lose. (audience cheers) - It was his show,
it was his battle. Jeff Ross wins. (audience cheers loudly) (music beat) - I hope you stay in
the roast game bro. It's really fun having you man. - I appreciate it.
Thanks for having me. It was a pleasure to
be the first time to go against the master so. - Yeah, I love that. Hey I've never seen a
first time roast battler do as well as Blake Griffin. I am making Blake Griffin roast
battle rookie of the year. (audience cheers) Thank you. (Roast battle outro)
shut it down
Blake Griffin: The Ginger the Clippers never deserved
The Roastmaster General
Jeff Ross is a roasting legend. Always steals the show on these roasting shows. When it was his turn to roast Flava Flav he said "I've never roasted an oily cadaver before.."
lmao what a weak comeback from griffin
THAT’S ALOTTA DAMAGE
howboutalittlemoar
Going up against Jeff Ross in a roast battle is like playing Kobe one-on-one. They both have no regard for you in that arena.
Anyone got a mirror? No idea why they censored in Australia.
This is so sad, Alexa play Burn by Meek Mill.