Jim Jefferies Taking an MD Sufferer to See a Prostitute 1

how many more near Egger nearby there's a dwarf pine they're mixing me a cocktail I am [ __ ] drunk now all right I'm going to tell you a story this story is very long the first three minutes of this story are very depressing picks up the past firstly Minister this story very depressing but there is a moment where this story takes flight and you have to hang in there with me until this moment and trust me that the story is going to get good I grew up at number 3 Tara marrow street a number 5 was my two best childhood friends Andrew and Daniel Connor Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy if you don't know it muscular dystrophy is a horrible disease that wastes away your muscles it's the same as Lou Gehrig's disease a motor neurone disease except you're born with it you're diagnose when you're about six years old and you're walking right they put you on crutches by the time you're 10 you're in a wheelchair by the time you're 20 you're in a completely vegetative state most people die before their 25th birthday Dan's leads to be 33 years old still alive and kicking let me rephrase that still alive he's actually died seven times in his life and being resuscitated seven and I once asked him I said Dan what happens after you die and he said nothing so good luck with your religion and your faith I'll take an actual statistic now his family had since moved to Melbourne I had moved to the Great Britain I went to the Melbourne comedy festivals about a year ago I hadn't seen him in all that time his brother Andrew came to see my show and then Andrew took me to see Dan and I went in to see him I never seen anyone lived this long with his disease and he's laying on a bed his eyelids they're a muscle that he can't keep open anymore and they're just he's just squinting through these little things he has a breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping he has a heart monitoring machine in case he flatlines in the middle of night and someone has to resuscitate him and as soon as I walked in and saw this guy I used to run around with as a child I burst into tears there's nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than pity you know I went the corridor I feel like a right prick when I was [ __ ] wiping my eyes off and I went back in and I sat with Danny's brother Andrew enough to work I mean Dan chatted for a while 20 minutes into conversation dan says to me Jim I'm 32 years old I've never been with a woman will you take me to a prostitute and that's where the story picks up I said because I win [ __ ] yeah and remember don't tell my brother he wouldn't understand us and that's where you're wrong I have known your brother my entire life trust me he will understand and again stands well when Andrew came home from work I pulled Andrew sides that Andrew look here's the deal Tan's asked me to take him to a prostitute I'm going to do whether you like it or not I think is his brother you come along and help out and Andrew when we're not doing it and I went wide and he went it'll kill him and I went he's going to die soon anyway this is a good way for him to go like sure we'll have to answer a few questions and he said we're not doing it I said why and he goes because my mother like you already and I went your mum's never liked me that's why the right guy to kill your brother and he said all right we'll do it but he kind of full sex full sex will kill him he can only have a [ __ ] and I thought that was fairly reasonable so we went back in and saw Dan he was where we left him Harry said Dan here's the deal I know you're not told me not to tell you probably but I told you about it me and him are both going to take you to the knock shop tomorrow mate you can't have full sex you can only have a [ __ ] and Dan went I want full sex and his brother Andrew and Dan you're in no position to argue with anyone ever then Dan reluctantly agreed now prostitution in Australia is legal so I spent the rest of the afternoon going through the phone book trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access best afternoon ever eventually foul on the biggest problem the southern hemisphere The Daily Planet or is the Australians called four floors of [ __ ] it's a 24-hour proper because Australia's a go ahead country so we decided we were going to go early in the morning like really like 6:00 a.m. we wanted to go in and the place is quiet and we weren't going to cause a scene so we wake him up at 6 o'clock the morning it's hard to tell if he's awake and we get him in each chair now he hasn't got your bog-standard [ __ ] wheelchair he's got one of these big sort of silver looking things with the truck ties on it I think the models call the Hawking and even though he's muscles they work they get sauce this thing can moving from side to side and back to front and even into a full bed so we get him in the chair then we order a taxi and then it's not like you have black cabs out there it's like a normal car but they've modified the back to go higher and they drive him up through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up high with windows all around him like a big [ __ ] Pope or as the Catholics would say the Pope and we drive up to the brothel now when we get to the problem takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi I see this is my window of opportunity so why they getting him up the taxi I run into the brothel now there's two ways the problems work either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that you want or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the look of chapter 4 a bit act like you've got some type of connection with an Eastern European woman then take her upstairs and [ __ ] if you need your life to be this delusional this is one of these situations so why they getting down out of the cab I run into the brothel and go everyone quickly gather round I haven't got much time and the 14 bemused hookers shuffle over and I went look here's the deal I have a severely disabled friend with me if you're not up for it speak now or forever hold your peace and one of them went how bad is he and I went pretty [ __ ] bad and ten of them said they wouldn't do it nice said will I respect that but can you please go and hide because I don't want him to be rejected by hookers and he can go shuffle away and their evening gowns in their high heels we've got a rear falling out of them hi I am now left with four girls the best-looking one by Mars day dan wills in looking like Jabba the heart breathing like Darth Vader two of the girls run away and I'm like are you [ __ ] kidding you [ __ ] I just asked you nicely so an hour left with two girls the best-looking ones there the other ones are [ __ ] troll now out of respect for the only one I go to dan ago dan Sony two girls working today mate which one do you want and he said the one in the green dress now neither of them had a green dress I stand up and look at Andrea when what the [ __ ] is all this about and Angie went oh yeah his eyes are [ __ ] as well now it turns out the dance colorblind it's not part of the condition it's just unfortunate so I start with the hooker now I'm going to pay for everything now the reason I'm going to pay for everything is simple I told Dan and Andrew that I would pay for everything as long as I got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of people and they said of course you can Jim but be respectful and change our names which sounds like the right thing to do now doesn't it now I haven't changed their name their names are Andrew and Daniel Colt I'm Connor from st. kilda Melbourne Australia I would have liked to have changed their names it is the right thing to do but I look at it this way even if I change their names and their parents started watching my comedy they'd be like my word doesn't Randy and Steve sound like our kids getting Jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy so he's out there with the hook and said how much for the half hour and she said 118 I said I'll give you 250 because I realize this is a specialty thing you're doing and she goes I got one question for and I said shoot and she went is he mentally [ __ ] and I went oh yeah that's what I do I find mentally [ __ ] people and take them the prostitute I'll be masturbating in the corner he doesn't even know he's here and she went okay then but if there's two of you well no he's not mentally [ __ ] it is choice to come in as a good chance he'll die and he went what am I meant to do with him and I went I don't know I've never been a hooker but I'm thinking give him a bit of a show dance around a bit rub your tits in his face then suck him off but don't sit on him or [ __ ] him it'll kill him so he got to the room we think God was in the first floor a me and Andrew look at Dan like two proud parents watching our child go to school for the first time and then we leave and as we proceed to leave a platter Andra in the back I said Andrew you've been a good brother today he said thanks mate then we had a hug then we had that moment after a hug that Australian men have where we go I get it out of it what's wrong again and then I said hey Andrew how does Dan get his clothes off and Andrew went [ __ ] and we went back in Andrew looks him up and down he turns to me and goes look he's very fragile I know how he likes to be picked up I'll lift him up you take his pants off Andrew gets behind lifts him up ways armpits like I couldn't have figured out their magical hole all my money he taking dad's tracksuit pants off he always wore tracksuit pants never got into fashion and as I'm taking his tracksuit pants off what many of you are wondering is can Dan get an erection and the answer is yes even though none of the muscles in his body work the [ __ ] is not a muscle the [ __ ] is a bit of skin that fills with blood if he gets aroused up here blood rush there now what nobody knew about this 32 year old virgin is that - packing heat I'm talking nine and a half inches of disabled misery please [ __ ] so [ __ ] big I think that's why the rest of his muscles didn't work I take the pants off this thing springs up and hits me in the mouth then the hooker goes let's do the light let's explain the light when they legalize prostitution in Australia that in legalize it in all forms for instance you cannot get a streetwalking hooker you cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room you can only go to a brothel in a safe environment where they have security for the girls in case a man shows up being drunk and [ __ ] order and also it's safer for the people that go to brothels because the girls get tested for STDs every month so arguably you're better off in Australia [ __ ] a prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar but I'm not going to have that conversation again oh my you try explaining that to a girlfriend it's a [ __ ] minefield but also they make it safe for the girls if you're a guy who goes to a prostitute you have to undergo the light let's explain the life it's very simple sounds like what it is you put your [ __ ] under a very bright light and they look around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward then they get a magnifying glass out go through your pubes to make sure nothing's running around it's not a big deal I've been rejected heaps of times now the chairs here there's a bed here there's a hot tub there the lights over there now we try to get the chair past the bed and the hot tub but we can't get it through so me and Andrew walk over the hooker and whispering slow it down to here we're like um we can't do the light thing and she goes if you don't do the light I'm not doing it and me and Andrew went ah come on he's a virgin what's the worst that can happen and she whispered actually I'm more concerned about its cleanliness then his brother Andrew said loudly and proudly I washed it before we came out now you may think you're a good brother good sister good mother good daughter whatever the [ __ ] you think you are in this world but you're nothing until you've watched your disabled brothers [ __ ] they're taken to a prostitute got his love ladies and gentlemen tangible [ __ ] law so he looked at dad everyone agreed it was time to go we looked at dad me and Andrew looked at him and went we found their mate she's got anything you want to say to his sight now because I we're going to leave my what is what Dan did [Music] [Applause] leave Spain me and Andrew went back down to the bar and we hangs out with the hookers like ten of them sort of mulling around and we're standing there I don't know what Dan's up to but we're standing around the bar with all the hookers and then five guys from London walk into the bar who were obviously out of their [ __ ] skulls and coke now if you've never taken a lot of cokes and I've if anyone's got me if you've never taken a cloak you know when when like five or six guys get together and take Koken like a Tuesday there comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning where we go we better call up some chicks maybe in your club ex-girlfriends like bring some friends bring some friends and say I don't know what you're expecting so basically this I think was the Wednesday we did this I think these guys have been on coke all night and they've obviously gone okay let's go down the brothel go down the brothel the final gun problem and I say in the bar chat with little hookers and these five guys from London walk in and one of them recognizes me and goes Stephen [ __ ] Jeffries Jim [ __ ] Jeffries I know you make I know you the committee's especially guys really clean and I went hey how you doing man he goes hey Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim one want a coke and I went yes and I fell up to it I went up to the toilet and did a line of coke I come back out and obviously I've left Andrew alone for too long and he was sort of panicking all by himself and I sort of walk in what's wrong because what if we've done the wrong thing here what if what if he's in there dying right now what if he stopped [ __ ] breathing or what the [ __ ] heart stops what the [ __ ] we meant to do I said not a problem not a problem I'll resuscitate him and he said do you know how to do that I said no I don't know how how can it be push push play blow thanks I haven't embellished that in the slightest that's the exact thing I said to him push push blow blow then the prostitute walks back in the room who was with Dan so I'm standing with the five coke fiends ten prostitutes she walks in the room is like that moment a movie with the needle on the record just sort of goes yeah and everything stops and she walked in and she said well it's over and me and Andrew in unison where is he and her exact words were odd in check that sir me Andrew the five coke cream the ten hookers we all run to the room now he's not dead his chairs back in the upright position his [ __ ] is still sitting up majestically covered in cheese and spit but for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift his eyelids he was sitting there like this now you might be wondering why is eyelids drop like that let me explain something it wasn't through happiness tell you so myself I'm 33 years old I've been masturbating for those 10 years old and in that time I have not missed the day every single day I masturbate haven't missed a [ __ ] day every day I'm in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my chest here so I don't have to look the filth I'm doing to myself so I'm watching porn here and nine times out of ten I hit the Apple sign right and I do this every single [ __ ] day yet I would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me doing this I would want to [ __ ] kill myself and I do this every single [ __ ] day now imagine if you've never ejaculated through the power of yourself you've never had another person do it you're 32 years old and for the first time you've shot a lot of [ __ ] stale cheese all over the [ __ ] room and you're sitting there with your [ __ ] out and 15 strangers walks and and you do not possess the power to put your [ __ ] away can you see how that might be a bit unhinging so we had to get him dressed quickly but he's come everywhere and this time I look him up and down and he turned the handle and said Andrew I don't give a [ __ ] our fragile here's I'm taking the top off this time and we lifted him come here we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel there as we left the brothel I turned to Dan a sedan a paper a story please tell me what happened and he said well she danced around a bit rub the teacher me face and suck me off which is what I asked to do it's so nice to be a disabled sex property but even even nicer than that I used to have a preconceived notion on what I thought about people such as prostitutes man but I was wrong that woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life he can't put a price on it all right well 180 exact exact figure then we go a throne and we go to call taxi and the taxi driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in his car and he winds his window down looks out and goes I'll Drive you home for free I just need to know what happened thank you very much guys [Applause]

Channel: Emma Purcell

Views: 3,420,117

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Id: XsLwzXxeBe8

Length: 25min 42sec (1542 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 02 2017