12 Funniest Stand Up Routines of Series 8 | Live at the Apollo | BBC Comedy Greats

there was one restaurant i heard about in london got closed down because they were putting flour in a bin and onion barges in a basket so when health and safety turned up they said is that the bin of the bucket i've been bucking the same thing is that the kitchen on the bottom get you in the bathroom same thing you got the fridge refrigerator the same thing is that your wife your cousin wife cousin the same thing [Applause] time have changed now mate now when i was growing i grew up in the 70s but there was no money you know you got no money when your family reused margarine tubs that's when you know your skin you can't believe it's not butter that's cause it's minced meat in that [ __ ] i got mince meat on my toast in the morning my family used to think water was a preservative like say there was no uh soap in the house dad there's no soap in there so he thought put water into the soap you get more soap out of it it's not technically correct is it that there's no soap don't worry put fire from the soap shake this up you got more soap it's war on my hands now that's a homeopathic soap we used to have fish and chips once a week there was no ketchup in there there's no ketchup don't buddy put water in the check the ketchup you gotta buy the ketchup i've got red water on my chips now i've got soggy chips i had so much water i played the fish started swimming back again family thought if you put stuff in the freezer it lasts forever fresh in the freezer stuff stuff that was well past it it's a freezer not a time machine we have chicken fish dodo it's different that's why break down barry like i travel on virgin planes now right problem is when i travel abroad virgin planes you can phone up your people tell them when you're arriving at your destination they've got phones on the planes the problem is most of my family speak punjabi abroad so what i'm telling i'm arriving i got to tell him in punjabi i was on the plane i was like on my flight seven for nine ten minutes to which landed the guy next to me [ __ ] himself [Applause] he phoned up his wife and told him he loved her and you might never see her again i didn't want to ruin the surprise i started reading the quran i'm not even a muslim this country hasn't quite claimed even the government you know problems in this country you get stabbed in this country they won't find the killers but if you drive down a bus lane they'll take a picture of you in the car and send you to your house within 48 hours so if you get stabbed make sure you get stabbed in a bus lane [Applause] it's a problem you know even like people don't even wear their seat belts to the car government at this campaign gonna try and help people wear a seat belt this guy goes to pick up a pizza he's not wearing a seat belt he crashes a car peach is flipped up all over the place pepperoni everywhere he's dead second take he picks up a pizza again crashes a car this time he's wearing the seatbelt pieces flipped up all over the place pepper army everywhere but he survives he says what have you learned from this video i'm like get your pizza delivered my god it is hard work bringing up kids and you have so many fears and anxieties my latest one is the considerable tide of opinion which seems to suggest that all children in this country will be utterly morbidly obese within the next 10 years the statistics on this are terrifying and i want to talk about this subject but it is very difficult to approach through comedy because it's a sensitive subject adult obesity too i'm certainly not going to address the women on this subject because i understand for women body shape and weight gain it's a far more complex matter it's to do with slow metabolism and bones and so on and i understand that but gentlemen i think we need to take responsibility we were all given a bit of a philip and a bit of encouragement by the olympics let's try and keep this kind of mentality going the government have made it terrifically complicated now they've come up with something called the body mass index you need a calculator to work out if you're fat or not this is a bit of an old-fashioned british approach which has suited me in good stead five alarm bells the first one rings if you look down one evening and realize you can no longer see your belt buckle if you take action at that point you'll thank yourself later it's very easy to correct the fault second alarm bell rings if you look down one evening and realize you can no longer see what for the purposes of this section i shall refer to as your [ __ ] that is a little more serious and if you can no longer see your feet you're in real trouble and those of you thinking well if i can't see my [ __ ] i won't be able to see my feet hahaha you're exactly the sort of self-deluded fools who are most at risk [Music] the fourth alarm bell rings when you can no longer see your [ __ ] in a mirror oh yes they're out there and the fifth and final bell rings when you can no longer see it with two mirrors and an erection now at that point you're no doubt too busy pleasuring yourself with the folds of your own flesh to worry what the rest of us think and it's none of my business listen i'm not the police i don't care what you get up to nature has its compensations all i am saying is it wise as a society that we choose to reward this excessive level of corpulence with subsidized transport and i'm not talking about the odd bus pass i'm talking about these three wheeled electrical obesicles i call them i don't know if that is the crater you've seen them mobility scooters they were designed for the elderly and infirm but they have been hijacked recently not literally i hope my god that would be a long-winded and tedious crime to watch unfold if it is going on somehow they've got hold of them they look ridiculous the first one i saw he was so vast he appeared to be hovering up the street you can see on the vehicle entirely he looked like jabba the hutt on a magic carpet i thought the one you put on a few pounds you've mastered the art of levitation you're not going to burn off many calories that way when i saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs his right trouser leg started flashing orange as he turned into greg's i realized what was going on of course you shut down greg you solved the whole problem with a stroke anyway i suspect that is the mother lode isn't it i was in a branch of greg's recently and the olympians here will enjoy this i i like capacity as much as the next man but that is a deluded shot they were selling mineral water which is optimistic enough but they were selling that in regular bottles 80 pence i think it was for a half liter or for a 20 pence premium you could buy the same quantity of the same water but in a special bottle and this was how it was described on the shelf with the sports cap big capital letters the sports the kind you can open with your teeth in one hand so you don't have to dismount from your bicycle on that crucial last stage of your triathlon and waste valuable seconds opening a bottle of water i don't think that's a priority for your average greg's customer do you the sports cat maybe if you've got a [ __ ] on the go in the other hand that helps what are they gonna sell next little pies with clips you can put on your track shorts and a straw you can suck the gravy out so what are we gonna do i don't know do you want to tell some jokes uh why did the monkey cross the road because he saw you standing behind him rolling up your sleeve i'm sorry about that i want freedom from you really yeah i hate this vicarious life i don't even have my own problems i have yourself about sleek at night i'm so worried about your mortgage i'm sorry i want freedom i haven't late but i thought i know not lost all my earth forgot no casting of exercise indeed it goes so heavily with my discussion with this i don't know just some [ __ ] i wrote when i was locked in a room with a typewriter no just i want freedom you know i want to be like you and i think you need to get kong whole stop expressing yourself through farting honky it's weird so what do you suggest i suggest you let me control you let just follow my instructions right so what do i do get the bag okay here it is now what get in the bag okay okay kidney in the bag they'll miss you it's okay i'll still be here could she [ __ ] without me what do i do now put me in now take your hand out of me okay oh sweet jesus it feels nice and nasty at the same time right my hands out now what do i do take your hand out the bag i don't want to go on force yourself don't you like me naked no it's very disturbing but it's very deconstructive but i miss the monkey i am the luckiest sketcher for any glitch what do i do talk to the hand don't want to cut the guard down i feel very exposed i don't know about what are you doing i can't tongue my ass from that elbow i don't know if i can continue with this it's doing my head in okay then put this hand down by your side but i'm still here where are you now i'm going online all right monkey the um the laughter's got a bit uneasy soccer you'll still get paid if you're vulnerable are you ready for the final step i'm not sure what's the final step i'm going to get on your safe okay monkey i don't like the sound of that stay where you are hirokong no stay where you are here i come here i come here i am oh at last i'm in the stupid all a bit cow out now aren't you it's quite a sweet voice on a little monkey but with tits it's bloody sinister the other day my wife and i had a meeting that i did not know was a meeting i got in and there was tea and there was biscuits and i thought brilliant and i sat down and i'm drinking oh vikings i love them oh didn't even take the foil off oh these are found [Applause] lover by kill and she goes yeah we could we gotta have a chat about emily all right what's going on because she's uh she's having a sleepover on friday i should have pointed out earlier this is just after my daughter returned 16. that's a very important number to bear in mind she said yeah emily's having a sleepover on friday i went all right do you want me to buy pizzas no no no no no no because there's only one person coming oh right right shall i just buy one pizza stop talking about pizza um she's having a sleepover and it's stephen what the boyfriend yeah oh where's he gonna sleep in emily's room where is she gonna sleep she's going to sleep in her room as well on the floor tubs come here listen to me very carefully you're 16 remember that number 16 year old daughter is having a boy stay the night [Applause] i run out into the front garden why why why why oh i'm standing there going i think you're overreacting she's like i don't want to lose her virginity up against the skip and i'm not it was good enough for us [Applause] why do you think i keep hiring them [Music] she's like look remember when we were kids and we used to hang out with each other and we wish that our parents had been cool enough to just let us do our own thing in our own way well it's your turn to be the cool parent i don't want to be a cool parent you've got to be oh and so that friday that was it stephen arrives ding-dong he's a lovely kid i've known stephen since he was eight wonderful little boy not anymore now he is my nemesis he comes in and i'm sat in the kitchen all right hello steven am i generally i like coming to work these days uh because i i love my job i like this job because i'm allowed to be sarcastic at work you know which i'm sure many of you do but i'm contractually obligated to be sarcastic at work i used to do it in my old job i remember i was like oh well done toby that's a brilliant spaceship that is how i lost my job in the primary school really but it's weird sarcasm is very popular isn't it in this country we go mental for it we love sarcasm sometimes i think it's too popular sometimes i think it creeps into situations where it doesn't really belong like i'll give you an example recently i was at the dentist and they had a poster in the waiting room and it said question do i have to floss between all of my teeth answer no just the ones you want to keep i don't think sarcasm is appropriate in a medical context really i mean where'd you draw the line with that what if you're at the doctors at the gp in the waiting room and there's a poster on the wall and it says question can i eat all the pies answer yeah you carry on your thick fat prat that would be quite an aggressive campaign wouldn't it although what's tragic is you wouldn't reel back in shock if you saw it in this country you'd be like oh right well i'll lay off the parties then i've maxed out all my credit cards i love the adverts on the radio for credit cards when the woman's really excited and she's like get this credit card because it's brilliant and there's zero interest for nine long months and you can buy loads of stuff and you can go into absolute denial about debt and it might even make you come and then right at the end you go subject to availability like what did you just say then that's not a reasonable way of communicating is it that's you wouldn't tolerate being spoken to in that manner in any other situation in your life you wouldn't put up with it you wouldn't put up with it if for example you were out on a date and you thought to yourself this bloke's attractive and he says to you i think you're attractive and i am solvent and i've got absolutely no emotional baggage but i will be intending to take you up the arsenal returning phone calls and erode yourself confident sorry i didn't catch everything you said then you you gaveled a bit then at the end don't worry darling don't worry sweetheart you're another little glass of wine something like that do you hope you're going for a tick when can't be recording your training purposes that would be quite unsettling wouldn't it you know initially push through the other quite nice thing about this job is not only am i allowed to be sarcastic i'm allowed to exaggerate all comedians exaggerate it's quite a comedic conceit to use exaggeration and women are very good at exaggerating generally speaking we're a lot better than men at it i think apart from the [ __ ] stuff we're much better we're much better at exaggerating than men women are very good at just slightly overreacting to arguably trivial things we've got that covered like you know when a woman puts her hand in her handbag to find her purse but she doesn't immediately find her purse [Applause] you're like a prick this is mate you can't do nothing about the bloody geckos mate you're bloody lucky if there's only one of them the bloody everywhere bloody geckos bloody bloody lucky if you had any bloody wonder i don't bloody feel lucky that thing so i had to ignore i had to try i just had to try and sleep in this motel room and they've got no eyelids these things they've got that's the only look they've got as if you've got the problem what is it what are you looking at what are you what are you looking at wait well you're staring at me it doesn't matter where i go pal i'll still be staring at you i've got no eyelids none so i thought right i'll just have to try and ignore it right so i get into the bed in this motel room that's how you get into the have you noticed that every hotel every every hotel bed in the world why do they feel the need to tuck the sheets so tight where am i gonna go has there been a spate of people falling out of hotel beds for years well we need to do something about this right make sure you're tucking it in tight right come on get in there get that in there give me the stapler bang bang you can't get in i was in birmingham last night i had to slide down from the back wall to get into that i felt i felt like i was being faxed [Applause] then you get in you go really well i guess that's me for the night probably won't be moving much now probably won't be doing what i usually do this time of night reading my bible it's weird that that i tell you another thing about hotels why is it in the bathroom they put like you know they put a hair dryer on the wall you go that's quite handy there's a hairdryer on the wall ready made you pick it off it comes on automatically it's got all the impact and power of an elderly relative breathing on your head [Music] is this on it's on full well this would be ideal if the look i was going for was hot and wet [Music] [Applause] phone in the toilet no one has a phone in their toilet at home where the hell did you get that idea from so anyway sorry so this staring at me i've got into the bed right i thought right out the side out of mind danny turn out the light just ignore it i turned out the light no one told me this that's when the bloody thing comes to life they don't move in the light but you turn that light on how this that's it running across the wall i turn on the light and it's you know and again looking all innocent you know what is it what is it what are you looking at what do you mean what am i looking at you were there you're now there we both know you've moved pal you can't prove it you can't prove anything well just stay there right never in time turning into somewhere else worst night sleep i've ever had the worst bit was when i i turned on the light it's about four o'clock in the morning i can't see it can't see the bloody thing oh where is it you can't see it underneath not right it's gone i think it's gone whatever it is it's gone get back into the bed i'm just about to turn out the light i look up it's on the ceiling and this is a motel so the ceiling's there and it's and i screamed oh i've never screamed like that before it drops from the ceiling onto my chest and it's sitting in the chest like that and but the sheets are so tight i can't do you know what i did the weirdest defense you could possibly think of i started blowing on the ghetto please get off me you have no business here gekko's loving it this is lovely that says i usually have to straddle the hair dryer for this kind of treatment it's just that thing they do like in pretty much when they write on all of their stuff contains no unnecessary preservatives that's an empty sentence so it contains preservatives but no unnecessary ones the insinuation is that greg's down the road are wasting time and money having their sandwiches embalmed and it's horrible when a sentence niggles at you when people say it like when people go and oh yeah i'm against organized religion like it's not the homophobia that's the problem but the excellent admin i hate the phrase committed vegetarian oh yeah she's a committed vegetarian because it insinuates that there are adulterous vegetarians going around the place getting off with sausages behind carrots back kevin was talking about the double dip recession i have i think solved the economic crisis i mean i'm not bragging but i think i've worked it out right so basically debt as i understand it is caused by people borrowing more than they can afford to pay back yeah and they spend it on things they don't need like clothes and shoes and nuclear weapons but when you think about it some people don't get into debt children do they small smug in the black children so all we need to do is make chip and pin machines a bit more like parents and then we don't have a problem because you'd go into the shop you'd pick something out you'd put in your card and your number and it would say you've already got a coat and you'd have to go and put it back so you'd pick something else out put in your card and your number and it would say sensible black ones please so you can wear them to school so you'd have to put them back so you'd pick something else out put in your card and your number and it would say okay you can have nuclear weapons but you've got to share them with your sister no then we would have to put them back because our sister is france she's the one we want to use them on being poor has not stopped people shopping i know that because i live in tooting where people have not let being very deprived stop them from dressing badly in a different way every day there is a fashion trend in my area where women wear t-shirts with more attractive women on them so like they'll be acne ridden school girls emblazoned with debbie harry in her heyday very big women with kate moss riding around on their pendulous breasts old women the kind that have been betrayed twice by their follicles wearing both five o'clock shadow and a wig and they'll have rihanna grinding down on them inappropriately when i first noticed this i thought these women cannot be well served by the comparison like if a gentleman is like oh hello but then i remember that men are stupid and actually they will find anything alluring if you put a sexy woman on it that's the basis of all advertising ever like these t-shirts are probably tricking men into having threesomes oh yeah it's a great light last night it was me pop star rihanna and a really old lady was bald with her beard i hate the facial hair thing terrifies me i'm setting up a charity and which is going to be where young women go into hospitals and pluck the faces of old women for them it's gonna be called dignitas i don't know how you guys got here tonight i squatted down put my head between my knees and fell forward that's how i roll my ex-girlfriend said we can work on my bladder problem together i said there is no we now piss off uncle just set a new world record by getting 27 pigeons to land on him what a ledge they should make a statue of that man he'd like that does my wife think i'm a control freak i haven't decided yet she used to hate that joke and now she loves it the other night at a party my wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo i said listen to yourself fat people block the pavement there's no getting around it ever take a [ __ ] so big you needed a midwife me too unfortunately the blueprint to my honey farm was destroyed i have no plan b in some circles i'm considered the inventor of the hula hoop people who reinforce their own country's negative stereotypes what's that all about hey it gets me so angry i want to just throw down my jar of maple syrup and crawl out of my igloo pick up my ice hockey stick and club a seal or a moose or justin bieber you're welcome canada has the fewest number of pretentious people to speak latin than anywhere else in the world per capita coffee saskatchewan manitoba etc etc vis-a-vis new brunswick i don't think spartacus is latin but it gets me a couple of laughs and that's why i'm here people say have the legs of a dancer but until they find the rest of the body the cops got nothing on me man someone recently called me a shameless self promoter me stuart francis [Applause] dot com i've been described as being dismissive and having a limited vocabulary women people say i'm a plagiarist their word not mine i've been called irritating not once not twice not three times not four times not five times not six times not seven times not eight times not nine times not even ten times not 11 times about 13 times and finally not 14 times not 15 times 16 times but a grand total of 17 times not 18 times it's always hard to get laughs because people do get offended and i hate to offend it's just a gift i have it is because i was in wales and um i told i love the fact people in wales you love your kind of terrorism don't you about a hundred years ago they used to put bombs by the sewers by the rivers and whenever english dignitaries would come they'd shout no one would die they'd just shower them with sewage i said it's great to be in the home of suicide bombing okay and you know and people got offended because you you come here with your suicide bombing job guys do jokes about suicide bombing i'd say you know i say you know there are now suicide bomber schools now i mean how does that even work you know where's your bag oh i left it on the bus well done house point but i will say this ladies and gentlemen i will say all this ethnic stuff that people do it's had its time it's time to move on but the kenyan president is called wacky backy and that is funny [ __ ] looking up on wikipedia kenyan president wacky backy but the bbc news presenters refused to call him wacky back he because it's an it's a euphemism for marijuana as they say today the kenyan president um arrived in london with his foreign secretary mr hughes blief and his minister for interiors mr a fancy mars bar and also his wife mrs agati munchies where is the fridge i love young people you know i was i was on a long-haul flight once uh i was flying about 10 hour flight there was a young person sat next to me i thought we haven't had a chat it's two hours and i might have a quick chat i said hello do you wanna have a quick chat might make the time go by quicker she went sure what do you want to talk about and i said facetiously why don't we talk about iran's nuclear weapons program and she goes all right then and she put down her crayon she goes well before we do that can i ask you a question i said sure she goes when a horse he does a poopoo it comes out in long tubes and yet when a sheep does a poopoo it comes out in little pellets and yet when a cow does a poopoo it comes out in flat round paths why is that i said that's actually a very good question i've got no idea because well how do you expect me to talk about iran's nuclear weapons program when you don't know [ __ ] they never tell us on the news what we want to know about greece what we really want to know about greece is does this economic disaster mean this is more or less expensive to go on holiday to what greece the cost of two weeks half-boarding corfu the british people deserve an answer we're always being told what the british people deserve you look at my friends facebook pages are just they're moaning about life and what they deserve their facebook status mad day got up got the kids to school did the washington the shopping went to work pick the kids up did the dinner sitting on the couch drinking red wine i deserve this no i always think no you don't actually no if you live okay in britain you live on the most privileged lives in the world the people who deserve a good old moan on facebook are people trying to bring up families in war-torn sub-saharan africa they deserve facebook don't they yeah [Applause] mad day had to walk 10 miles to fetch clean water got turned back by the militia lost a child to malaria on the way home sitting in my tent drinking rain water i deserve this [Applause] and then and then you get the needy facebook status the cry for help one you've heard this i've got friends who literally have said i feel like crying dot dot dot dot and everyone piles in what do you mean you're a lovely person um and this friend of mine literally wrote i just feel so sad today in the middle east people are writing things on facebook like i feel like crying what's wrong i've just been tear gassed proper [ __ ] yes people are tweeting i've just been shot sad face you know olofd that means rolling on the floor dying in proper stuff we use facebook and twitter for rubbish you ever see those sanctimonious little poems and quotes people put on facebook to make you feel better about life they drive me mad i've got i've got one here honestly i've got two i printed out this first one is always put on by women by the way i'm not being sexist there because i'm sort of raised by women i was can you tell i didn't i never had that older brother figure who beat me up i had two older sisters who who dressed me up no i was raised by women sounds like i was raised by wolves i was found running with a wild hen night in newcastle for this first quote always put on by women you will recognize it some of you friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly sure us men we may be emotionally constipated but i'm damn proud we don't put [ __ ] like that on facebook this second quote this one this one's put on by everybody this is a long one lots of you will recognize this one i've had this one about four times life is short break the rules forgive quickly kiss slowly love truly laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile 20 years from now you'll be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did so throw off the bow lines sail away from the safe harbor catch the trade winds in your sails explore dream discover do you know what i've got a mortgage to pay bills to deal with kids i have time for this crap on my facebook page about three years ago i split up with my last girlfriend and we stood up roughly around the time she [ __ ] somebody else and roughly in the same vicinity of time and i was hurt but i couldn't i mean i've cheated before a fair bit and i've been cheated on a lot probably more than i know i have played this scene more than olivier has played shakespeare so if i'm gonna say something to her i can't come from a position of moral superiority so i asked her i said why and she says honestly i said yeah you'd make me do it how did i do that you were never here you were always absent you were always gone and your absences made me feel insecure unworthy and it forced me to get validation from someone i didn't even like i said let me see if i understand i made you [ __ ] somebody while i wasn't even present what an unusual superpower is that what you're going to tell your friends i just want to know in case i bump into your friends at a party and they shoot me [ __ ] looks and i'll be in on the joke i can go yep i am such a prick i messed up i deserve your scorn i was jogging through the forest one morning and 50 yards away i saw a meteor that it recently crashed landed i could still feel the heat and the radiation but i felt compelled to go up to it i tore off a piece stupid me i ate it and all of a sudden i had the ability to make people [ __ ] one another provided they didn't like one another and i wasn't present and i was so excited with this new power the first and only person i could think of that tested on was my girlfriend by the way if any of you have recently had unwanted sex it's probably my fault i mean i was the other day i gave a lady a compliment and i realized that british people's problems with compliments is they can't tell if you're slagging them off or not you know they can't tell a butt in mine he was wearing his hat the other day and i said hey bro you look snappy in that hat and he was like and i said i'm american i have no subtext and he went oh well thank you very much i was at a party one night and uh i was minding my own business and the young lady walked up and she says reginald d hunter i said yes ma'am i heard you have issues with women i said really which ones you know issues i said no ma'am i don't are you saying i blame women for global warming or greece not having no money or what you say probably some woman broke your heart and then you just blamed all women after that i said oh so then you thought it would be helpful to me if you came over and was dismissive to me about my issues i wasn't being dismissive yes ma'am you were you walked up and gave me a piece of gossip and then gave me the summation of what it's supposed to be you haven't asked me anything about myself it was dismissive you take that back i was not being dismissive i said okay maybe i'm misjudging i have had a drink and who knows maybe your period's on and and she looked at me like and i said you don't like it because it's dismissive when i see that and he's doing i don't care i'll just watch the batman it doesn't bother me i'm an adult i would happily do every chore in the house wouldn't bother me to do everything but i can't because i have to leave right if you stay with someone all the time that's full-time care that's not flat sharing that's not the commitment i went into so i have to leave the house and like now they're back there now eating food and touching stuff i can feel it opening cupboards and subsisting by eating food right so they have to know for example what to do with the waste products they create when they eat food right so they need to know about things like recycling now again i can't bear to tell them everything that goes into the job of recycling it would just exhaust me to have today you know when you finish your cereal um can you take the little plastic bag out and then just put that on the side and then go to the bin and tip any little cheerios that are in the thing so we don't want anything in there because then they go in the box they go outside they get rained on it goes moulding we don't want a moldy box do we and then you know when you've opened the top of the cereal box that's very good well done can you open the bottom the same way and then that is now in language and then found if audi foldy fold is holding how small it is and then come with me to the box come follow quickly follow you put the little thing in the finger and then wedge it in the corner with a wine bottle because otherwise it spreads out and all that work was wasted this is where we put this here we are this will put the wine back on the bean tin and the newspaper and then you pick it up every other wednesday not every wednesday no they don't come every wednesday every other wednesday go to the follow come the little green fingers i didn't say any of this right i didn't think they'd understand really why are you talking about that john i think i've had a breakdown all i said to make it as simple as possible i said is you know when you finish this cereal can you just put the empty box on the windowsill and it gets recycled by the fairy right it's not a nickname i'm happy with but it seems to have stuck and the cereal box is here and the window sills there so it's like that's all i have every now and again i'll get back from a gig might be tonight flick the bin lid open hello mr cereal oh i wonder how did you gain and my first thought is always you know i'm not getting there because they hate you john that's a dirty protest that's yeah look at that you dick yeah that hasn't that's nothing to do with the council he brought that little green box from his last house sad little wank they might as well pull their pants down get on the worktops and drag themselves across piss off back to your last house right oh my god they hate me and then i realize they don't hate me i know they don't hate me because they will clean some stuff right because they know it excites me or something they think it turns me on to watch them do chores i really would rather they didn't they wait till i'm relaxing watching a bit of i don't know you've been framed or something just the pains of the elderly relax me of an evening yeah go on get on the pogo stick see how that ends they'll wait till i'm just chilling out and then one of them will go oh i'm gonna do the washing up and i have to sit there and think yes oh my five minutes after you think you've done it they're just [ __ ] they don't understand they look at me looks like a little lap dance there watch me down yeah can you see what i'm doing can you see what i'm doing yeah i can see what you're doing you're doing a baking tray when there's still wine glasses [Applause] you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 905,511

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Comedian, Comic, Simon Evans, Phill Jupitus, paul chowdhry, nina conti monkey, nina conti, nina conti ventriloquist, Kerry Godliman, Danny Bhoy, Sara Pascoe, Stewart Francis, Omid Djalili, Hal Cruttenden, Reginald D., reginald d. hunter, Jon Richardson, live at the apollo, live at the apollo compilation, stand-up comedy (tv genre), best british stand up comedy, live at the apollo (tv program)

Id: AewkQig9--M

Length: 46min 17sec (2777 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 26 2021