Cheech and Chong Roasted - Stand-up Comedy | RIP Greg Giraldo & Ralphie May

from the Comedy Festival at Caesar's Palace Las Vegas Cheech and Chong gross co-hosted by Brad Garrett with Tom Arnold Shelby Chong greg Giraldo Ralphie May and Aunt Eller Geraldo Rivera Wilmer Valderrama with special messages from Steve Carell Andy Dick Robert Osborne and Martha Stewart and now please welcome to old buds the legendary Cheech and Chong good evening Gary Jensen dog everybody Wow welcome pillow yeah honest is incredible there thus your people are here guys are there must be 200 Mexican I think there's 200 Mexicans because I saw three cars that's right and they were parked on the lawn a lot of you a lot of you purchased your tickets early months ago because I know you wanted to see the Reverend Al Sharpton he bailed on us literally minutes ago why why I don't want to bail on the al Sharpton joke so what I have done two hours ago has plane craps out in the casino losing my ass just so you know but I met a very lovely a black gentleman who was from Vegas and he is going to sit in if that's it he's never been on baby make it till at home his name is Anthony Jackson Anthony Jackson when the part of al Sharpton Anthony Jackson thank you for coming here Reverend al sharpton can't claim that the white man is keeping him down now that Obama is in the White House but he can claim that the half white man Thank You Reverend thank you oh Jesus Tommy I gotta tell you you you look like [ __ ] the Civil War called they found your diary it's good to see that drugs really don't affect you let's get to the dais it's a veritable who's available for Aldo Rivera everybody he's half Jewish and half Puerto Ricans so he steals your [ __ ] and then he sells it back to him only only when he's not blowing Bill O'Reilly the very funny grade Giraldo greg Giraldo I had three words for you who are you Ralphie May where hey Ralphie how are you oh wow he's a large man he's so fat when he goes to the chicken ranch she has to hookers in the corral carbonyl is here because listening to an old Cheech and Chong LP is like Roseanne halfway halfway through you have to flip it over to the shitty side Sheetz give me a favor remind Tommy where he is your first movie remember what it was up and smoked and laid over up and smoked made over a hundred million dollars at a time when that was a lot of money and it was so successful that you guys you spent the rest of your career making eight more of the same movie with different cutter but after long an incredible career Cheech and Chong broke up that was sad Cheech was cheech's idea she'd started collecting art while Tommy continued to tour with his wife Shelby Wow you took your wife on the road oh my god Al Sharpton's great grandfather wasn't whipped up it's amazing who's been on TV four minutes already an attitude now it's time to really figure out why we're here cozy I have no idea it's to roast these two wonderful icons of comedy and right now we're gonna take a look when Cheech and Chong start it out here they are I'm officer dick I've spent my entire life warning the youth of America about the dangers of drug addiction if you try drugs it can lead to other destructive behavior like getting arrested destroying your TV career or blowing dues but today I'm here to warn you about a far deadlier scourge one that for the last 40 years has trapped millions of unsuspecting Americans in its mind-numbing collections I'm speaking of course about cheating show it began in 1970 while the country was in turmoil brave young Americans were headed to Vietnam inspiring this courageous Mexican for me to cross the border into Canada it was here that Richard Cheech Marin and Thomas Hussein Chong formed a team accepting at this last name an almost close my balls off they started pushing their junk and strip flops International masturbation champion everybody running a goddamn dog and eventually smuggled it into the state getting narcotics marijuana not anymore people yeah dark rooms to get a fix of their final poison pretty soon all the squares were jonesing for a hit and blasting off to kicks for thank you people wanted to go to their movies to tune in turn on and walk out but the supply ran out when they broke up Arden I'll do myself for yourself forget you decades of exposure to themselves left G to John with permanent brain damage and impaired judgment Tommy Chong resentence to nine months in federal prison for selling bong on the Internet they fell in some bad company a John said that you have he's totally together you know is it a good time you know how to enjoy ourselves after thousands of sold-out concerts blockbuster movies classic comedy albums and a thinner breakup that lasted over 20 years the chee chee cheong epidemic is back and stronger than ever if you or anyone you know has been exposed to change at job sink a medical professional and while you're there get hooked up with one of these no more jokes and totes hello cheats hello Tommy you hit rock bottom with jeans and charm Tommy Cheech it's really hard for Stewart hey guys this is the most important night of your life and I'm a very important person that's why I'm not there I didn't want to have to fly out there check in the hotel and share a room with al Sharpton and to be perfectly honest I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a melon baller than stare at Brad Garrett all night anyway I know you thought this was a roast but the truth is it's an intervention marijuana can ruin your life not to mention the lives of the people around you here's someone else who's got something to say to you hello Cheech hello Tommy I've always been a big fan of your movies I followed you ever since I was a little kid really and my brother was the one who introduced me to Cheech and Chong movies he was my older brother and we used to go together to the movies he used to take me and it was it was one of those movie go experiences that you don't forget because it was kind of a bonding thing between me and my brother um he actually became a little more invested in your movies than I did and he started doing marijuana uh soon thereafter because of course that's what you do when you go to ochite and choc movie um and it kind of spiraled into a place really of no return for him Hey he overdose he overdose of marijuana when he was nice Heath and you you guys you know he was a really nice person and you you screwed his life up you you've got him into that that's shitty weed and it ruined is like there's nothing funny about smoking pot you guys have spent your career proving that qgj charm ruined ruin our family oh god oh maybe it's time to turn your life around you know you've hit rock bottom you're doing a roast on GBS with Tom Arnold and I'll be look forward to to seeing your next movie ladies and gentlemen our first roaster is the only person to ever max out their credit card at Cinnabon please if you will welcome the comedy team of Ralphie May Ralphie man it's great to be here tonight you're going to hear a ton of fat jokes about me because that's what they do I I am fat I'm a fat bastard people told me why don't you get your kitchen staple they've told me I kind of like that one too I think it's funny they are they say to lose weight ralphie hi just food by his dick he'll never find it there I know they say all these horrible things and I say you know they asked me tomorrow earlier tonight asked me he goes Ralphy buddy when was the last time you saw your dick and I said last night and the reflection of your mother's forehead that's create you'll get your turn to say something unfunny in a minute okay and even do it at one of my idols mr. Geraldo Rivera is here tonight ladies over here is phenomenal I uh read your book I'm one of the seven you said in there that you bang Barbara Walters Liza Minnelli and Joan Collins you pick the old chick from the view Oh go break my hip break my hip mr. Wilmer valderramas right here ladies and gentlemen I ask my homies I said who's uh Wilmer Valderrama and they got goat he's the guy who Lindsey Lohan well thanks for narrowing it down Jesus all right I got it I don't have much time but I got to talk to the man of the hour ladies and gentlemen my honored guests tonight mr. cha cha cha the king is away I love you guys I remember growing up in the south watching your movies listen to your albums man you got me smoking weed early and I appreciate the career cuz this is all Munchie wait you guys are awesome you've been at it for a long time man y'all they used to play Caesars when Caesar was here they smoked the burning bush there I'm such a huge teacher job fair I went out and bought their action figures they don't do [ __ ] they suck they just sit around on the couch all day and watch TV how to get one teach you're like a father to comedians out there especially stoners Tommy I love you you got busted for selling bonds on the Internet what the hell it's [ __ ] you got nine much I think your problem is time you didn't sell enough bonds all right if you de soda if you - so like nine billions of dollars of worth of bongs on Wall Street and you've taxed people out of it and the government out of it you ain't got nine months in jail you when it got nine billion dollars felis as a fan I got to tell you I love you guys so much I'm urging you please desperately make another movie I suggest though that you make it quick because you get all amazing pretty soon you'll be smoking weed for glaucoma for real thank you gentlemen for having me I love you the most our next roaster is here because the person who replaced the person who canceled also cancelled please welcome our Plan C Geraldo Rivera I am Geraldo Rivera hi everybody how you doing the bread Garrett terrific guy you walk you know he won three Emmys for Everybody Loves Raymond and then he did that other one that killed death and the the Emmy Academy demanded the other three back now most people see me Geraldo Rivera been on television a long time as just a strikingly handsome award-winning journalist what they don't know is then this is true I have gotten high with Cheech and Chong in every country in the Western world you know back in 1985 true story tommy smuggled two ounces of pot and one of my bongs in to madagascar we're on vacation anair and i tell you once you had a bong up your ass for 12 hours prison rape is a birthday party now up no one really looked at Tommy Chong as a sex symbol except for for gay hippies back in 1982 when he appeared in Playgirl magazine now take a look yeah what kind of colossal ego do you have to have to do a photo shoot for Playgirl magazine I didn't need a fluffer for my new cha-cha key the truth is that Cheech and Chong truly special artists we should never under mr. 8 I'm being serious now never underestimate the power of comedy I did a report on how hospitals for the gravely ill they really do they play Cheech and Chong movies for the terminally ill the terminally ill patients to help them relieve their long-term suffering and it really works because within 10 minutes of watching the Chi Chi Chong movie they pull their own plug although Rivera although Geraldo Rivera Tommy Chong backstage he told me said hey I may be old man but I'm in good shape I could still touch my toes I said well that's true Tommy but it doesn't count when you do it with your balls again he the nice Chicano fellow in the audience asked what was I doing looking at his balls and the answer is trying to get your mom out of a bad predicament Oh our next Roasters are the Sonny and Cher of magic one of them is short and the other one should ski into a tree I love ladies and gentlemen come in teller penat Oh garetty uh Brad Garrett starred with the biggest shows on television he won three Emmys and now look at him he's won and word away from being Michael Richards now this is also this is actually true teller and I may be the only people in this room who have never smoked pot that's true that's true I'm sorry that's true and every time we look at Cheech and Chong reminded of why but seriously we love these guys teller and I was so sad when they broke up due to in artistic differences a lot has happened and just good of time as any to start a lot Oh a lot has happened in the 25 years since Cheech and Chong were apart but here's one thing that didn't happen someone's saying I wish Cheech and Chong would get back together and how about Joe Shelby Chong huh married to Tommy Chong for over 25 years few years ago I saw Tommy and Shelby performed together and gave telling me some advice get a partner who doesn't talk you know why Tommy Chong went to prison I don't have any idea how they caught him he's sneaky he's a mastermind he's a super criminal maybe was the name of his company chongs bongs tell her it telly you lit the wrong joint that's the problem thank you give it up for good [ __ ] this next guy has done over 50 movies and the only funny thing he's ever been in his Roseanne ladies and gentlemen mr. Pardo thank you dr. hacking Stein by the way a little lesson on comedy and how it works I'm the least funny person here but obviously the most famous does so many jokes about me greg Giraldo lives on his mother's couch she collects food stamps and carrot top make to ten million dollars a year that's how it works you know Brad proposed to his ex ex-wife on the set of Everybody Loves Raymond which was to beat it because he's already on one knee blow and Ray Romano but yeah but enough about Brad's only good career decision got a Sox doesn't there Brad I had love you do show though TMZ where you beat up those little guys with the cameras yeah yeah it's an honor to sit next to Rob over Vera and see his ugly weathered face and when you're on Fox News I got to tell you do the impossible you make Bill O'Reilly look like less of a douche bag and that's that is a tough tough job speaking of loudmouth Giants and people have nothing to say Penn & Teller but which one is Kent again with you pee yeah yeah yeah yeah Panda he was contested on Dancing with the Stars and I didn't catch that episode Penn but who is the star you danced with I don't know you what a a it and I I got asked the question that's on everybody's mind here when you guys blow each other at the end you say tada I know teller does it the kid hey what can I say about Wilmer vendorama I don't think he's a Mexican because Mexicans work you know since that 70 show got canceled Wilmers done nothing but bang hot babes jennifer Love Hewitt Mandy Moore Lindsay Lohan Lindsay Lohan I guess it is possible to somebody's brains out right there he's like Geraldo Rivera without herpes buddy yeah yeah he's host in the after party and I'm gonna give you the directions you go about a half mile down the strip and you take a hard left right up Ashton Kutcher's ass and let's let's get to our guests of honor the legendary truly legendary comedy team of Chi Fattah well make a big deal about getting them back together but who really gives a [ __ ] let's see hot is that okay i'll kidding aside I really really respect I love you guys and if one for you guys I wouldn't become addicted to pot which rich of course led to my addiction to cocaine which led to my marriage to Roseanne said actually you really got my life is what you've got brought jokes for lots of people though seriously it's an honor I thank both of you guys that was great Tom ladies and gentlemen I'm jealous because he's good-looking he's successful and like Geraldo not out of the closet no but I'm not here to roast Cheech and Chong I'm here to cock-block Geraldo Rivera okay I'm everyone good you know I'm in here out of the backstage you know he's actually one of my heroes when he was a news report he was the first but a week and I've ever saw get into the back of van not being handcuffed okay and that's that's a big deal because he gave me hope you know because he claimed he claimed he's had sex with a thousand women a thousand women I called that a slow Tuesday but I mean I'm really here to talk about cheese and charm and I give it up for Cheech and Chong but it but it's great you know III don't know if you I'm sure you guys remember in the 70 show Tommy play Leo on that 70 show you know he's truly like a father to me you know I mean I got my mother twice but I'll never forget the day Tommy got busted but you know I supported my friend and visit him in prison you know I was really awkward because he treated me to a black guy for a pack of cigarettes and not just made it but I love you guys and you guys know that's true because you're the only friends I have in Hollywood who can't do anything for my career enjoy your night bout a dryer it came out smaller and gayer hi I'm Robert Osborn we went to the classic movie vault and found a Cheech and Chong movie like all their movies it was stuck under the vault to keep it from wobbling over the years Turner Classic Movies thought that age and water had damaged the films of Cheech and Chong but motion picture historians agree that their movies were destroyed the moment the director yelled action interesting to note that Cheech and Chong were involved in a long legal battle with the studios who wanted to turn their films into silent movies unfortunately for all of us Cheech and Chong won that battle I'm Robert Osborne peace out [ __ ] our natural Thur has had more work than this entire dais be bad it was on her face intense ladies and gentlemen she is the amazing Shelby Chung shuttle charm it's such an honor to be here tonight you know to be with my favorite comedy team Penn & Teller just kidding we all know Penn & Teller suck me and Tom we've been together forever the only person who's been telling me longer than me it's Cheech tommy's like a fine wine you have to smell them before you put them in your mouth but it was really tough on me you know when they sentenced Tommy to nine months in jail but thank God for conjugal visits if Cheech didn't visit me once a week thank you this guy's is an incredibly funny comedian here he has been a promising young comedian for over 20 years greg Giraldo thank you everybody Thank You Brad Garrett everybody keep it going for that giant Jew you must have had a foreskin like a circus tank Tom Arnold is here huh come on Tom of course he's a famous for marrying Roseanne Barr and pretty much that's it Tommy Tommy Chong thought about replacing Chiefs with Tom Arnold they were gonna call themselves leech and Chong it's gonna keep going wilmer valderrama is here how about that flag enrique iglesias felling a dryer it came out smaller and gayer here's so gay you Lindsay Lohan and made her gay Ralphie May of course is here Ralphie you like the population of India you're loud sweaty and double in size every year the only guy who watches porn and when the guy delivers the pizza Gillette with a greasy ponytail you look like a male stripper that swallowed a male stripper ha it's good to see that little weirdo teller here too what a freak usually Tom Arnold's the only guy in a room was made a living doing absolutely nothing besides hooking up with a fat slob with a bad haircut Penn & Teller you're like the new Siegfried and Roy your big Vegas entertainers you do elaborate tricks and one of you doesn't talk anymore Shelbi Chagas here holy [ __ ] what a hot old broad shall be Chong is here as chief called her smoke oh oh no he actually Cheech has a hot Russian wife Tommy wanted to get one too but as a felon he can't order things by man Cheech and Chong just when I thought they were gone they came back they're like the herpes of comedy it's exciting and what a career you've had how after you split up Cheech became a big TV star and Shawn went to jail you guys are like Lance Armstrong's testicles one of you kept cruising along and the other one stopped working was ripped from its home and finally left to rot in the can here's my impression of Tommy Chong in prison hey what are you trying to do you ruined my rectum man I just you love to play golf and uh and some people say that that's a sellout move for Mexican American that's horseshit what could be more Mexican than sweating on a freshly mowed lawn with dirty balls and a bag full of weapons people Cheech Matt Chong in Canada where Cheech went to avoid the draft wow you're the first Mexican ever to leave the country illegally anyway you know what you guys are the best I mean it I love you guys you've been huge comedy heroes of mine I'm so psyched you're back good thanks for having me here you've had a lot of fun here tonight and I know everybody in this room is a fan of these two brilliant gentlemen that took comedy to another level and now we're going to hear from the first genius half of this team ladies and gentlemen please make him feel at home mr. Tommy Chong well thank you very much for coming I just want to say no one's happier than me because I've been addicted to Mexicans for years finish time as an honor being roasted by professionals in red really you've had a beautiful career I love you and Everybody Loves Raymond very good story and I guess you haven't done anything funny since um Tinka name really so maybe your nickname should be one-hitter will burn then that bed from the seventies oh man Wilmer and I topple over everything I know man like how to roll a joint we went hand and that's all I know in the prison i met chief he had some primo Mexican Mitchell again we never we smoked the first felony side everything I said was funny night night everything he said was funny then we thought everything our dog said was funny yeah and that's how this whole thing started yeah and I don't I'll tell you why we broke up a lot of you wonder why we broke up we broke up because we got rich I'm serious and I learned one thing you can't make a rich Mexican dude [ __ ] boy hey before we go before I go I gotta give some some kudos to my beautiful wife she'll be okay and it's nice to work with a partner who has a vagina after working so many years with such a little prick for the record I didn't make this bomb what is the gentleman I've been in show business for 40 years and this is the [ __ ] they give me man I have these people I don't know the other half I don't want to know Reb I saw you on TV and on the TMZ pushing the paparazi way this point in your career that's like a Somalian swatting away a sandwich man you look like Tom now you have another [ __ ] Ralphie may thank you very much Rafi man let's have Brava marry wealthy he can't stay long he has to go back to plug in the hole in the ozone layer Rolla Rivera my friend one of my best friends over 35 years has had my back if it doesn't work out a fox he can always go back to his original profession gay porn you know uh Geraldo's half Jewish half Puerto Rican which means he won't stab a [ __ ] after sundown besides I really respect he's closer that way lilten Valderrama Wilmer Valderrama he's suck tonight God Shelby Chong was great tonight she's the only one here in this room who knows what it's like to smoke a seven-year-old joint you know but let's talk about my partner Tommy Chong I can still remember how I met him we're in Vancouver I was walking through Stanley Park and I see this guy coming to me and and I didn't know me as long hair and smiling and I'll never forget what he said he came up to me says hey you dick for a dollar hey I needed the dollar you know what we've had a crazy life together years and years and years together a lot of highest but even when we were low to high you know so that was pretty good sometimes it would get high and do crazy things like you felt up my cousin at her own funeral always doing stupid [ __ ] like that man you're 70 years old as how is how is it that you still wear a diaper and you still [ __ ] all over my life think about I'm sick of this [ __ ] man I'm finished with you puto you know Cheech and Chong is over once again so you I'm out of here who is it it's me Dave open up Dave yeah it's Dave Dave not here thank you Oh you you

Channel: TEST DRIVE ONBOARD

Views: 4,239,111

Keywords: Cheech, and, Chong, Roasted, Stand-up, Comedy, Cheech & Chong, Humor, Comedian, Funny, Humour, Jokes, Hilarious, RIP, Greg, Giraldo, Greg Giraldo, Ralphie, may, ralphie may, Whitney Cummings, whitney, cummings, Tom Arnold, Tommy Chong, Andy Dick, Brad Garrett, Penn Jillette, Cheech Marin, Geraldo Rivera, Teller, Wilmer Valderrama, comedy roast, roast

Id: hDt5kVOfwfY

Length: 43min 20sec (2600 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 20 2011

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Cheech and Chong Roasted

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