- We want our food fast, too, don't we? That's why we really
love those value meals. just have to say a number, Two! (crowd laughing) Soon you won't have to
speak, it'll just be a noise. (groans) (crowd laughing) (screams) Alright, I'll supersize it. (crowd laughing) We need our food fast, that's the real appeal of Chinese food, but Chinese food almost comes too quickly. You're like, yeah I'll
have, oh, there it is. (crowd laughing) Oh, how'd you know I even wanted that. Fast is to prepare, slow is to eat. I prefer the Chinese restaurants that have the silverware on
the table when you arrive 'cause there's nothing more humiliating than starting with chopsticks and having to turn to
the waiter and be like, "Uh yeah, hi, uh, I'm too white." (crowd laughing) "Do you have a shovel back there? (crowd laughing) "Chopsticks are fun, but I'd rather eat than play Operation, yeah." It's weird, we're lazy about our food. We have people deliver it to us. "Yeah, I like your food, just not enough to go
down there and get it." (crowd laughing) Delivery is really a combination of my two favorite activities:
eating and not moving. (crowd laughing) Worst part of delivery is getting up and answering the door. Well, this is a pain in the ass. What am I, the butler? Well, at least I don't
have to put on pants. Hand it over! We're getting lazier, It's
just a matter of time. "Yeah, I want delivery, and I'm gonna need someone to feed me." (crowd laughing) "No, no, I'll be in the tub. Yeah, key is under the mat. Chip, chop, chip." Chip, chop, chip? (crowd laughing) I don't even know what "chip, chop, chip" is supposed to mean. (crowd laughing) I'm not good at ordering delivery. I always think I'm ready, I never am. I always get that order panic. "Delivery, what do you want?" "Oh, oh, oh, you got food there?" (crowd laughing) "Yes, we have food, what do you want?" "Uh, let me write it
down, I'll call you back" I wasn't ready for the trick questions. (crowd laughing) It's exciting when that
deliver guy arrives, isn't it? It's like Santa coming to your house. (crowd laughing) He's here, he's here. The guys here, what do
we do, what do we do? But we don't treat him like Santa. We treat the situation like
it's a hostage exchange. (crowd laughing) But what, you wait out there. (crowd laughing) Here's the deal, I'll give you the money, you hand over the food, then I
want you to back away slowly. (crowd laughing) I don't need you casing the joint. (crowd laughing) That's ridiculous. (crowd laughing) Here's something fun to do
next time you get delivery. Treat the delivery guy
like he's your waiter. Be like, "Hey, thanks a
lot, can you do something about the music in here?" (crowd laughing) I could go for some more ice water. (crowd laughing) It's weird, you never know
what to do with all those condiment packets they give
you when you get delivery. They give you like 50
ketchups, such a waste. My wife's always like, "Save 'em". It's not like you can
go up to a homeless guy, "In case you get that food you're looking for here's some ketchup." (crowd laughing) I'm looking out for you buddy. (crowd laughing) It's ridiculous, it is convenient though. 'Cause we want our food easy. I mean, how else would
you explain spray cheese? (crowd laughing) I mean, I'm lazy, but I
guess there's some people that are like, "You know, I like cheese, but it's just too much work." (crowd laughing) Tired of opening it up, taking it out. I'd be willing to eat
cheese if I could do, I don't know, this. (crowd laughing) Here's the deal, I'll do this and the cheese will spray out, and I could write my name with it. (crowd laughing) 'Cause I gotta sign some
checks to Mayor McCheese. (crowd laughing) And as you know, he only
takes cheese checks. I don't even know if that's accurate. (crowd laughing) I don't know much about Mayor McCheese, but I don't think he even takes checks. (crowd laughing) I love cheese, I think I'm
lactose intolerant though. 'Cause last night I had four milk shakes and I felt like crap. (crowd laughing) I think it's the lactose. (crowd laughing) If you are lactose intolerant, don't be ashamed just because you're tummy can't handle that spicy milk. (crowd laughing) Uh, do you have anything milder than milk? (crowd laughing) but not water, that gives me gas. (crowd laughing) Yeah, trying to lay off dairy. I bought some of that
Country Crock margarine. Didn't stick it in the fridge right away, it turned into gasoline. (crowd laughing) That's gotta be a tough product to market, 'cause not only is it a
bucket of whipped grease, someone had the audacity to call it crock. (crowd laughing) Do you think this is butter? It's a crock. (crowd laughing) We don't try to watch what we eat. 'Cause we're also consumed
with our bodies, you know. I was at the gym, I saw
this woman working out. You could actually see her ribs. And I could think is, I
haven't had a McRib in forever. (crowd laughing) Those are delicious. (crowd clapping) Thanks for the reminder! This guy's obsessed on food. (crowd laughing) I am, I try to rationalize what I eat, but there's some food that
there's no reason to ever eat. Like a Cinnabon, I mean tell me that place isn't run by Satan. (crowd laughing) You ever eat a Cinnabon? You have a to take a nap halfway through. (crowd laughing) Oh, I think I need some insulin. (crowd laughing) And a wheelbarrow for my half a bun. (crowd laughing) it's kinda generous calling that a bun. It's the size of a bean bag chair. (crowd laughing) Um, should I sit in it or eat it? (crowd laughing) Hey, I could sit in it and eat it. (crowd laughing) Oh, this is sticky without pants on. (crowd laughing) He has his pants off in a lot of jokes. (crowd laughing) How about that Cinnabon odor. You ever been walking through the mall, you're like, what's that smell? Oh, I just got a cavity. (crowd laughing) Damn Cinnabons. (crowd laughing) I tell you, I've done
some humiliating things, but standing in the
Cinnabon line is up there. (crowd laughing) Everyone's so filled with shame. (crowd laughing) No one's trying to make eye contact. (crowd laughing) Yeah, I'm just here for the napkins, I'm not a pig like you guys. (crowd laughing) 'Cause there's no reason
to have a Cinnabon. I've tried to find one, you know. So I'm about to get on a plane, how about eight pounds of cake? (crowd laughing) it's reasonable, a
little dessert on the go. (crowd laughing) Hi, yeah, I'm gonna
tell 'em my name, yeah. I'm gonna tell 'em, I'm not
gonna tell 'em to subscribe. Because you know what,
that's not what it's about. Oh, there's no more time?
