Solo: A Star Wars Story: An Unbridled Rage

oh for God's sake we all knew it was gonna be [ __ ] we open on a tech scroll the text PowerPoint presentation no I don't know guys leave me alone it is a lawless time which when you consider the empire are basically in every major scene in this film I'm not sure lawless means what the film thinks it means crime syndicates compete for resources food medicine and hyper fuel yes they're gonna double down on the fuel fiasco in the last Jedi they won't last long burning fuel like this it's just a matter of time oh shut up you used fuel to create a chase that made no sense for the entirety of the plot Ranger solo over here is only using it as a rare resource that drives the entire plot for [ __ ] sake on the shipbuilding planet of Karelia the foul lady Proxima forces Runaways into a life of crime in exchange for shelter and protection hey guys remember this yeah that one line they made it into a whole movie remind you of anything the film opens with a high-speed chases Ranger solo is evading some randoms he puts his signature dice in the center of his windscreen and nobody cares because it wasn't the OT that said those dice was special it was this abortion Ranger then gets to the blue world where he meets Daenerys Targaryen who is his girlfriend I guess they both scavenge for Lady proxy myrrh and live in her shelter as a results but everything is going to change now because Ranger has pocketed some fuel and they can sell it to get off Karelia sadly they had captured and searched he very cleverly passes the fuel off to his partner first and so they don't find it on him but for some reason they don't search here she's right next to him they date each other to the boss's knowledge and you could literally see the fuel in her hand but they have [ __ ] the centipedes of bad vision or something we then go and visit what seems to be one of the bigger reasons this movie cost so much money it's a giant physical water wimpy DRAM Peyer thing this is lady próxima and she's in the film for about 40 seconds why to then prevent his own death Ranger solo pulls out a thermal detonator remember when we did that before wasn't that great we're doing it again though centipede vampire points out that it's just a rock and Ranger is like it's not a rock and then the center thing is like yes it is a rock and the audience wonders whether there was a funeral for comedy before this film began he then breaks a window with the rock letting light in and the centipede being a vampire reacts like it just saw rose tico why in the hell is your main vampire holed out room protected by thin glass from direct sunlight how [ __ ] stupid and so they escape they go into an empire checkpoint and tried to leave Karelia ranger hands his dream girl his dice no not that one the dice are important they are given meaning here so that you appreciate this mess a little more okay anyway down to just some hard luck Daenerys is kidnapped and Ranger has to run leaving her behind don't worry she'll probably come back the trailers show her a lot sadly the Empire sent out an alert for the entire area for an escapee and he bangs on the window telling Daenerys he will find her which somehow doesn't get him caught there are outposts everywhere and somehow he's just slipping past security by sitting next to a wall despite being the most obvious target in history there [ __ ] it we're having fun Ranger solo then opts to join up with the Empire to avoid being captured and requests a chance to be a pilot which doesn't happen but something something else happens the guy the checkpoint is like what's your name sir and Ranger Solo is like oh it's haand but the guy wants his full name and Han doesn't have one apparently han has nothing he even clunk aliy says I have no people and so the guy says ah well your name shall be han Solo you heard it right folks Hans name comes from some random officer deciding it sounded neat we didn't even need an origin scene for his [ __ ] name and that's what they did with that wonderful so we skipped three [ __ ] years because that's how long Ranger Sola was apparently with empire you would think three years in an empire environment would change a man but nope it's so an eventful they don't even mention it really aside from what we see now which yeah that's not very impactful right that wouldn't change a man then on the horizon he spots a man shooting a blaster and then flipping it over and over again in the most self masturbatory sequence from the film he shoots then flips then shoots then flips for no [ __ ] reason reminds me of Stallone sucking his own dick in Expendables so it turns out the pistol dude is Woody Harrelson and he's getting extremely frustrated because Ranger solo starts following him around everywhere and asking about his rampart AMA it turns out rampart isn't with the Empire and he's here to steal an empire ship for a job he's apparently got to do cuz he's an outlaw or whatever so he reports Ranger solo as a mutineer and gets him thrown in prison could have accepted him on his own team but apparently he's kind of against that for reasons so Hahn gets rather frightened having no idea what the beast is but being taken to it it turns out to be Chewbacca which of course why not Shoei has apparently been carried around by the empire this whole time as a team mascot without Ranger Solo knowing despite being with them for three years Chewie is essentially the human body disposal unit the guy has been eating people to stay alive this whole time potentially years and he tries to eat rager solo but he's never in real danger since you know these are a thing she even throws him around pretty much shattering his spine about four times but it doesn't matter because Solo has thick plot armor there is an attempt to reason with Chewie several times but it doesn't matter because he is hell-bent on getting food I suppose but then he speaks wookie to Chewie and that wix film you do realize that Chewie understands English right so the whole pleading for his life thing shouldn't work because he's already tried it in a language that Chewie understands also I find it amusing that you're an origin film but you couldn't be [ __ ] to explain how Han Solo can speak Wookiee in the first place he is a random outlaw from Karelia and he just happens to know a language that'll actually save his life and strengthen the core of these two and he just he just knows it that's that's what they did with that wonderful so they escaped by destroying this pit they are trapped in they jump out and wouldn't you know it they see the ship that rampart once fly right over their heads and so they follow it taking them right to rampart as he's leaving and they come along and he just accepts them I'm sorry but what the [ __ ] let's rewind a bit why is it that - idiot stormtroopers are stood on the only part of the grating that consistently wobbles every time they hit the pillar they just allow themselves to be dropped and why is it that they are just dead and gone from falling the same two meters that Ranger Sola was just thrown through lucky doesn't have the same effect on him/her so we can actually escape now why is it the five seconds ago there was a massive Army's worth of troopers in this base that have now disappeared the moment the Chewie and soul are escaping why is it that the Empire have no system in place to detect unauthorized exits by their own ships did they seriously have no idea that ramparts stole this [ __ ] why would ramp out now risk his stolen ship to land it and pick up the guy he just sent to prison on a whim that's a lucky change of heart for our heroes isn't it what stops him from betraying you why would you want to hire the guy you just did that - bloody hell welcome back to Disney Star Wars people my brain is already rotting which is fitting since we are then treated to a showering scene where Han and Chewie get wet and stay about one inch away from each other why why was that your vision for Star Wars why did you look at Star Wars and say you know what would bring this together you know what's missing from these two guys a scene with a shower together thank you for bringing us that important event so we then get the scene of Chewbacca sharing his name and they say this so they cleared up the origin of Chuy's nickname turns out it was a nickname that's what you did with that wonderful anyway ramparts team is made up of himself a monkey and Maeve Maeve begins a scene complaining that they should have hired the zan sisters or bosque to help them with this job it's recorded with ADR because they have a panning landscape shot when she says it meaning that they likely went back to add these references to the Star Wars universe when this film was in its first cut and it's so painful to listen to the shoehorn connections throughout this movie that I want to restrict the access the writers have to Wikipedia during the scene we also get a barrage of lines telling us that Maeve and rampart love each other leading to them having a big snog meaning that she is going to die in the next scene and you should and then Chewie puts on his iconic amber belt because it was on the floor I think that's what they did with that wonderful then rampart takes the stock in the forearm out of a rifle attaches the front sight to the rear sight and throws it at Ranger solo so he has his gun now yes Han Solo's legendary modified Mauser is chucked at him from some guy who made it from a random rifle he didn't care about that's what they did with that yeah wonderful they're really taking advantage of the elements of this character that make him iconic we then begin the train heist and I'm gonna run through this whole scene first because my lord what a mess the plan is that Ranger solo rampart and Chewie are going to decouple the section of the Train the need to steal Maeve is going to blow up the tracks to enable the train to be free of the track and monkey dude will carry it away after it's connected to his ship um the whole idea that the Empire has to move stuff on a train is they have these things called spacious members of the Empire start attacking while members of the Marauders who are this previously unmentioned faction who like to steal from thieves start attacking while a series of probe droids start attacking remember this guy well there's like seven of him now and they're all built to defend a train aren't they probe droids did you actually read Wikipedia did you just grab the titles anyway Maeve gets shot by the droids and loses her gun so she decides to blow up the train tracks with her on them and dies for it she was in the film for about 40 seconds why then the Marauders get onto the Monkeyman ship and kill him he was in the film for about 40 seconds also why our remaining heroes managed to just make it out alive with a brief moment for the film to bait Chuy's death which is utterly bizarre it's you guys realize he's alive for another like 40 years right are you hoping that people have tried to forget the OT now cuz you're gonna have to try a lot harder than just the last Jedi to kill those movies it's time to little things die [ __ ] off Kyle oh you aren't gonna convince us to be in any kind of tension filled moments when Chewbacca's life is threatened because he can't die but he'll you do it with Ranger solo like five separate times in this movie so it's not like you're gonna listen to me I mean in this scene alone the Empire troopers are given this huge chance to shoot Ranger solo and they just don't it's like the movie is embarrassed to put him in these adventures because he has to be in danger but he also can't die so it's just awkward mainly I mean at least they kill people we've never met before that's always the best way to go when you're in that situation the remaining heroes make it out alive but only at the cost of leaving the payload to drop escaping the Marauders and burying their dead so about that scene let me just slow it down and go through some of the more nuanced elements why in the first place did rampart and Maeve say they didn't want to hire anyone extra when they never could have completed this task without the luck of finding Ranger Solo and Chewie they are the reason the Train had any chance at being decoupled this whole thing was invented as a quick from ramparts we could have the prison seemed bolting Chewie on to the story that's just silly why did the writers choose a probe droid to be the established defense mechanism for this train why wouldn't they make a new droid here are you that desperate for a reference that's just silly why did Maeve kill herself she could have gone back down the platform she was on she could have jumped to the rail and ran to the other side she could have tried anything but she gave up because there were two droids trying to shoot it here who constantly missed the hell out of most shots that's just silly speaking of the droids what the hell were they doing Mavis hiding behind what is essentially a stick of metal and they both stay on the other side a computer's not smart enough to figure out how to fly around a pole that's just [ __ ] silly who the hell are the Marauders why didn't anyone mention these people before they came out of nowhere and literally ruined everything they cost every faction in this whole environment a bunch of lives and accomplished nothing that is quite beyond silly I really hope those Marauders don't turn out to be the good guys cuz that would be embarrassing considering this scene wouldn't it speaking of which during the scene the monkey says this won't be the greatest day of his life because he's been to a my Knock roasts and they're the best remember my Knox [Music] yeah we're really digging here but as long as the audience keep Google open they might still be able to watch the film not to mention the fun moment of Ranger solo just driving the ship forwards since the monkey was dying and for that he says you know you are one hell of a pilot which is interesting by the way why is Ranger solo such a good pilot why is it that he's such a good shot with a blaster I'm sure these questions will be answered in time so then Ranger solo gets punched by rampart because he let the payload go to save their lives he has this strange self-righteous speech about how he should never let it go because they owe it to crimson dawn which are essentially the criminal syndicate in these parts named by a child of the xbox360 gamertag era but rampart is angry with Ranger solo for not knowing this information when he never told him about it in the first place owing a gangster is better than being dead surely it's supposed to act as some reveal to the audience but we're just sitting here not understanding what the [ __ ] is even happening now we have the evil empire the evil Marauders and the evil crimson cringe and they're all coming for our heroes and Ranger wants to do a job for one of these factions so he can get enough money to get a ship to go back and pick up his girlfriend he's just sure she's alive and that this is the way to go about getting there and that she's still there and willing or able to even leave also he just for some reason up and left the Empire today instead of anytime during that three years of soldiering but [ __ ] it too much thinking everyone too much thinking turn your brains off how [ __ ] dare you I am so shaken for what's to come the drama is reaching insane levels Ranger and Chewie can't actually be killed so I wonder if we're going to get some new characters so that we can kill them too in heartfelt moments anyway he actually asks how are we going to find the crimson cringe and rampart says that won't be a problem and then the ship just floats by them he's just here apparently he said he hangs around these jobs so class convene you did yeah let's just jump right onto the yacht that's great as an intro to the yacht we get an example of just how far Disney is willing to go in terms of squeezing every last piece of reference out of the OT not even the remasters are safe from the mouse as they try to do their own on this mess from Return of the Jedi [Music] only this time they have this fat frog tentacle [ __ ] gloaming up a beats listen to this [ __ ] just [ __ ] why Disney why they arrived and Ranger solo has a nice look around only to find the Daenerys is just here yeah remember here the old girlfriend that acts as Rangers entire motivation for the movie she just works for the criminal that rampart also works for it's just a happy [ __ ] coincidence what are the odds of that you ask well you never tell him the odds do you Disney [ __ ] off so then we open with finding out that the crime boss is vision apparently he didn't die in infinity war but he's got some neat bits of lipstick all over his face he begins his scene by killing a regional governor which I guess doesn't matter he can just do that to an empire official apparently okay cool it's safe to assume that Disney decided to make the Empire so limp-dicked again in this continuity that they went from this to this and in between what was it it was a lawless time [ __ ] whatever just such a coincidence because this whole time he was planning on finding Daenerys and this has worked out really well and there's no twist in terms of how she ended up meeting him of all people there's no extra information they really just ended up in the same [ __ ] room across an entire galaxy because dad [ __ ] we can't even say it's the force this time cuz there's no Jedi and this one [ __ ] and then there's this awkward as [ __ ] edit where Daenerys is saying that she's never escaped custody it's really ominous she had to do things we have like a nice silence and then it just cuts to good that was so skewed why can't you guys edit like normal people oh right it's cuz you usually end up combining two movies in one I forgot about that that is a bit unfair to judge you then again this [ __ ] happens no matter what the case doesn't it the film is then very adamant that we understand the evil crime lord is evil so they show Daenerys his scar on her arm with a nice close-up to make sure you don't miss it and hang on to that memory folks cuz we're gonna need it in five seconds han Solo and Chewbacca there with me driving boss I see you've already met my top lieutenant who describes their personal bodyguards that clunker Lee my top lieutenant and yes we get it she's on the bad guys team how tragic and also coincidental do you really expect me to believe that this random speed a scavenger person on a distant planet managed to become a Master Assassin in the highest ranks of the crimson cringe in three years what are you I a stark oh yeah you'll you're the other one aren't you no the film zooms in on visions ring and it has the same symbol as his scar meaning that he branded here he's evil it's about as subtle as a certain other movie when trying to dictate to the audience who is responsible for something Nazi so they convinced vision that they can get his fuel back if they steal unrefined fuel from Kessel and process it at another planet and then deliver it back to vision but they need to avoid the empire the Marauders and the conflicting syndicates to the crimson cringe which is obviously all gonna work because of the stupid plot [ __ ] dope sorry I mean modern Lucasfilm writing so they take Daenerys with them for no reason and our adventure begins the only thing stopping them now is getting a fast ship a fast ship huh wonder which one that's gonna be so we cut to the new planet door area I have no idea because it's showing here and then suddenly we're here this is how it goes in the movie I'm not joking no place names just artsy locations shut up and love it and I know it's different because you know it's not the blue tint now we have the orange tint this is called filmmaking and art design when you tint the [ __ ] screen in one color it's cruise control for good content so anyway Daenerys points out that this is America has a ship that's fast enough for their mission Ranger solo decides that you can just walk into this active game of sabacc and beat the guy for his ship it's established that they need a ship and then in under 60 seconds he's already in the very game that he's going to try and win the ship from and on top of that nobody tries to stop Ranger solo he just walks in and he starts clearing out the whole table he says very clearly that he's a beginner and yet he [ __ ] rules of this game getting to the point where he's about to clean out this is America but unfortunately he cheats and beats him right back it turns out he pockets cards and Ranger solo even comments on how he shouldn't been able to lose their which what the [ __ ] Ranger solo the newcomer was about to beat this is America at a game that he's been winning so much he's gained a reputation for over potential years but he cheated why why in the [ __ ] are you so good everything we then move on to our hero's offering the Kessel run and rampart convinces this is America to take a 25% cut instead of his desired 50 with yet more references to things outside the film they mentioned Felucia Andorra sing as if to appeal to as many hardcore fans as possible in the quickest of ways while alienating all of the normal people on earth but the point you should picked up on here is that there is a [ __ ] scene missing range a solo better ship one that this is America accepted to rival the Falcon and who knows what else on that soo bahk game and then he forgets about it and joins their mission providing a ship and assistance for a cut of the plunder what the [ __ ] is happening I'm not [ __ ] kidding here there's no line of dialogue to connect these scenes he just doesn't give a [ __ ] that he's supposed to have a ship from Han do you think people wouldn't notice that much dialogue being cut what is happening film what exactly we're the reshoots who was killed in production how brain-dead do you think people are oh right we then get to see the next attempt at outshining Jar Jar Binks in the horribly written characters Department in a brand-new botched clone of k2s oh I give you femputer this is a droid that considers herself an agent of Justice a warrior if you will but only when it comes to droids she begins by breaking up what seems to be a game of [ __ ] Robot Wars by saying that the droids are simply being used for entertainment and they should not follow the program they should exercise their free will it feels like a scene ripped from Jango [ __ ] Unchained the man who owns the place then threatens here and she begins shouting yes you heard it droid rights we are sentient for Christ's sake after that she gets told off by this is America but in response she actually gets serious and complains that they don't serve her kind there what the [ __ ] what do you do in film are you seriously trying to make a segregation connection to [ __ ] draw it's a village right here why would any bartender serve a droid they are tools they don't drink [ __ ] off you actually go as far as showing a bartender droid apparently all of them are sentient now since [ __ ] when was that a damn fact Peter robots great but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad see future armor is funny this is just but it gets worse femputer complains about having to follow her overlord and that she shouldn't have to go on this mission if she doesn't want to destroy it as a bad motivator yeah that crap along with the fact that this is america announces that femputer has the greatest navigational computer installed on her in the galaxy why why does this [ __ ] as [ __ ] have the best navigational computer in the galaxy on top of that we actually get some portal to plagiarism you guys remember when we te in Portal 2 couldn't perform the task with you looking yeah well they decided that they could do it funnier by doing it the exact same way [Music] ah don't you love jokes that are dead on arrival especially because they're taken from another source that's just [ __ ] double points so then this is America announces the name of the ship they'll be using for the mission and I swear he couldn't sound more bored saying it oh you know it's only the fastest ship in the galaxy it's only got an extremely unique name but yeah whatever we'll spend a scene establishing Chuy's [ __ ] nickname is a nickname but we'll learn nothing new about the Falcon yet the film then creams its own pants having Chewie and Han appreciate the Falcon as if they know the future they're going to have on it despite being a standard model whitey freighter that Han admits he's seen many of this makes no [ __ ] sense for anyone other than those who have seen the films again and on top of that there's a bit of exposition to say that there's been a bunch of new installs like an escape pod I have to wonder if that line was put in through ADR firstly because you can't see Lando when it's spoken and secondly it's a set up for later so make sure you don't forget it I suppose it also reflects the use of a pod in the last Jedi as well but it's not like this film is apologizing for that mess no no no no no speaking of which the Marauders catch up to our heroes and place a tracker on the Millennium Falcon ready for if they return from the mission they don't just track them for no reason this time they actually attach a device well done guys making up for the cosmic [ __ ] of the last Jedi again but saying that we then get this why would the sexual overtones between a man and his droid is this going to turn up again do you really want to normalize Robo sexuality but I read an s Wired magazine that some robots are hard-wired to be robosexual yeah the movies taking care of that message loud and clear don't worry so moving on from there you get this scene with Chewie and ramparts anticipate your opponent there's a lesson to be learned here he said anticipate your opponent and looked at our own Ranger solo then a little later he says that everyone will betray you and so if you didn't get it already rampart is evil and he one of the seven twists anyway Daenerys is still in the film and she kisses our little Ranger while admitting she's killed younglings probably and can't be with him most people would wonder why they haven't discussed anything substantive in this film despite the love they share but the film accounts for that ranger asks her to tell him everything and then she doesn't tell him anything so we move on we arrive at a giant space storm thing that everyone saw in the trailer it has one pathway to get through and one alone otherwise you will face crashing planets and horrible monsters in what is essentially a maze of death this might be relevant later then femputer says this for God's sake have you any idea how it feels to be a fembot living in a man butts man pewters world why please stop doing this film you're embarrassing yourself it is not a good gimmick for this droid to have it doesn't make sense fighting for social rights isn't character you're not making a point about society with any kind of subtlety and you're embarrassing Star Wars even more just leave it alone stop [ __ ] drooling all over the script it's already dead so then Daenerys has a guilt a guilt talk with femputer they discuss boys and love femputer even says that this is America ain't actually all that bad he's he's pretty great and clearly in love with her thanks but they can't be together because they they are incompatible God it's like you're in a sob story from your Nana no computer because the USB went in the wrong way Daenerys even asks how it works and femputer just responds oh it works the film is trying to sell that there is a substantial amount of love between this is America and femputer right now and they are apparently able to even have sex this is a thing now film seriously this is the direction you want to go next with robots is more common than most people think yes of course it is on top of that I can't help but laugh my ass off because they're trying to set up a heartfelt death scene here by sharing that this is America wants to [ __ ] the glorified toaster no movie it's not gonna work makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest also side note what saga am i watching is this Star Wars I don't remember the shower scenes the fight for equal pay and robo rights intertwined with Robo sexuality this [ __ ] is honestly getting [ __ ] weird what's next gay robosexual marriage so they arrive at Kessel let's run through the whole plan and then go through what actually happens Daenerys is posing as a member of the Trade Federation willing to offer Chewbacca and Ranger Solo in exchange for spice while she completes the deal they will then escape because their bonds are fake and steal the raw fuel meanwhile femputer and ramparts jobs are to essentially kill everyone in the control room and assist until the escape on top of that this is America we'll be sitting in the ship because they had no idea what to do with his character in this film so it begins just as intended but Daenerys actually gives Ranger Solo his dice back after all this time giving them meaning so yeah if anyone was wondering that's where the dice are now and I guess they mean something we all really cared about the dice way rampart shoots everyone in the control room without taking a hit because he's evil and he can't die until the end meanwhile Chewbacca and Ranger solo make their way to the fuel only for Chewie to [ __ ] off to save a bunch of wookies and then come back later not a big deal he had butts one of them later I think it means see you later and Wookiee I don't know [ __ ] it they get the fuel they all head back and just before all of that takes place femputer decides it's time for an uprising with the droids in the control room she then removes her ass training bolt from a random droid and asks it to free its brothers and sisters remember those the restraining bolts we're doing them again but but this time more more bolts for everyone so then all of the droids in the room of which there's like 12 for some reason begin running amok and standing on the controls flapping their arms and making crazy noises because they're finally free I guess it's a thing now the droids in the Star Wars universe are confirmed to be completely human personalities trapped inside droids it's not a quick it's not great programming there is nothing to discuss they are people now people trapped inside robotic suits panicking for their brothers and sisters freedom from oppression and restraining bolts are the only thing stopping them from going [ __ ] homicidal so anyway before they can all leave femputer is walking towards the ship and she shouts rebellion really loud and you just want to die but my favorite part of the film comes right after femputer is tragically shot to pieces and no word of a lie I couldn't hold my laughter it's played like the hero of a revolution is shot down in their prime and to make it even funnier this is America tries to pick up her body and accidentally tears it in half whoops but it gets even stupider femputer is lying in his arms trying to speak but gobbling some of her words looking to cough up some oil and say sorry to him but of course he's losing his [ __ ] as his favorite sex toy is running out of battery so then she asks Lando what's happening to me as he last Moberg before powering down that Lando shouts her name as she's lost too you know well she's she's Jamie she's right there you could just repair her you [ __ ] idiot she's a droid you even admit that yourself why are you so emotional right now you could literally escape and repair her Disney have been so desperate to cannibalize Star Wars that they've started to rip off their own decent elements kay to Essos death is the only one people gave a [ __ ] about in rogue one and it was permanent because the Empire would never repair a corrupted droid and the planet is destroyed at the end of the film here though it's just a hollow repeat of what we got before Disney listen to me make something new no during the sequence by the way they all stand around like Muppets under the Falcon in the complete open area and this is America leaves to get femputer while Ranger solo leaves to get him back and then Chewie leaves to get him back with rampart calling them all back which is sold as dangerous but why would standing in the open somehow protect you more you donkeys oh and I can't forget that we got to see Daenerys letting out a scream while throwing a grenade I've never understood this you don't need to scream to make a grenade better just so you know and I have to wonder is it just stuck in your head that louder means better shut up after darris you ruined that film Linda Hamilton would kick the ever-loving [ __ ] out of you so anyway we're heading back home now through the storm and guess what the [ __ ] Empire just show up in the middle of a space storm tunnel I don't know why there's nothing in this film to set it up there's no Empire plot they just randomly appear and then our heroes decide that you can't slip past it and hyperspace out you have to now go into the super dangerous part of the storm so they just do and on top of that the Empire send a bunch of fighters in after them we get a bunch of dogfighting and a bit of piloting fangasm material Ranger solo tries to pull off what is the most [ __ ] move I think I've ever seen in a Star Wars film where he deliberately rams his own ship into the [ __ ] ground to make debris from the ground fly into the ship behind him and [ __ ] it up completely which makes the Millennium Falcon take massive damage and somehow not get destroyed all to knock out one Thai fighter [ __ ] why you should have tried spinning there would have been a good trick so then they bump into the [ __ ] space Kraken while in the storm it tries to eat them but they swerve and distract it with an escape pod you remember that and that convinces the entire kraken to [ __ ] walk itself into a gravity well that's just sitting right next to them this whole time and they plug in some raw MacGuffin into the fuel line and blast out before that whale could eat them landing safely on some desert planet I just I have to [ __ ] they spend so damn long trying to establish that this piece of space storm is instant death because you can't [ __ ] do anything in it but crash and so as a solution they suggest plugging in femputer x' corpse because she has the best damn navigation in the galaxy for no goddamn reason so before we go over more of that they are successful in plugging femputer into the Falcon thus canonically the Millennium Falcon now has a character femputer is inside the Falcon and has been in the entirety of the OT this [ __ ] annoying droid lives matter piece of [ __ ] is apparently in all of the episodes of feature the [ __ ] Falcon I didn't even think you could ruin a ship but you found away Disney yeah [ __ ] found away but that is apparently supposed to explain that the Falcon has the best navigational system in the galaxy to evade the [ __ ] in the space storm because like I said it's for whatever reason femputer has that so if it took that long to put her onto the ship that means she wasn't there for the majority of the time that Han was actually piloting how was Ranger [ __ ] Solo surviving this space debris for this long why the [ __ ] is he such a good Millennium Falcon pilot in space storms evading the Empire in the [ __ ] Kraken did they run simulations of that [ __ ] in Karelia you [ __ ] why the [ __ ] did the Empire send in a squadron of ships when again it's established as instant death to go in there why the [ __ ] do you care about this freighter so much what connection is the freighter to the Empire wouldn't you just assume that they are dead by going in there you [ __ ] idiots speaking of the Kraken why is such a creature living right next to the only [ __ ] thing in the universe that can kill it with ease what a convenient way to have a visually shocking monster only to get rid of it immediately and the Falcon is torn to shreds throughout the scene shot to [ __ ] bashed and ripped up by the well but no it manages to make it out faster than any ship before it after all that happens I guess it must be one of those modifications because [ __ ] me I want to sign up for a whitey freighter at this point just seems to be the best ship in the [ __ ] galaxy moving on they land on what is essentially a third world planet thanks to having its resources mined by mercenaries yet they refine draw hyper fuel for free because they have those tools I don't understand how these people don't charge for that [ __ ] and actually make a business out of it you imagine the amount of black market deals they could make a refining raw fuel instead of just sitting on their asses yeah there we are Daenerys that has a nice little chat with Ranger Solo telling him that he's a good man he should not want to be with her because she's bad and he's good and he demands that he isn't good he's bad this is just sad why are you repeating his arc from episode 4 you [ __ ] rats the Marauders then catch up as expected this is America immediately flees the area with the Falcon thus adding cowardliness to his character I guess and I'll forgive you for not remembering who orders are because they're barely in this film and they're extremely underwhelming on top of that there's a twist turns out the Marauders are led by a five year old ginger [ __ ] and they're also the good guys now they are the people who started the rebellion and they have decided the crimson cringe aren't good people they spend time explaining this to the audience and the characters I find it hard to believe that the reveal that the crimson cringe are not good people is a surprise to any of our characters they know trust me I also find it hard to believe that when they openly attacked the people who were trying to steal from the Empire that makes them the good guys that makes a lot of sense there was pretty consistent if you put a child at the head of your army you [ __ ] idiots anyway they want the fuel for their cause and everyone agrees cuz despite what Ranger solo just said he is interested in helping the unfortunate because he's a good guy but no he's totally an outlaw not a good guy at all which way the actual outlaw is rampart who decides to just go he says he's gonna head to Tatooine and see about a gangster even though he said there is no running from vision so we know he's gonna come back and he even gives a line alluding to Jabba the Hutt to pander to those thirsty fans who are desperately desiring the referential names this film keeps vomiting out so we cut over to vision and his floating ship to sea Ranger solo Chewie and Daenerys provide him the fuel and I'm going to have to lay this out because it makes no [ __ ] sense at all they arrive in the elevator and declare that they aren't carrying weapons and are let up okay vision knows they are lying because rampart is secretly working for him so he pretends to welcome them as they provide the fuel but he secretly sent a group of men to apprehend the five year old and her fuel while surprising our heroes with rampart entering the room they even find Ranger solos secret gun compartment so it's all over but no because Ranger solo apparently saw this coming he planned to be betrayed by rampart and he planned for them to be held at gunpoint because there is a surprise attack waiting for the surprise attack for the five-year-old and because of that rampart betrays vision and Ranger solo by taking Chewie at gunpoint with the fuel and leaving so that vision Daenerys and Ranger solo can have a final boss battle this results in Daenerys betraying Ranger solo only to unbel a.m. and betray vision by killing him Noori betray Ranger and reveal she's working for someone else the very moment that Ranger has left to go and save Chuy this scene is just what the hang on chewy and rampart are caught by Ranger solo rampart is killed in a standoff and they celebrate surviving the movie while everyone else is either dead or betraying someone only for the five-year-old to say that han could be like a good guy he could be the general in a rebellion army it could be great he's like nah kid I'm not that kind of guy I won't be doing anything like that let's go over this mess shall we why was it a part of Ranger solos plan to be held at gunpoint in the room by rampart did he expect him to switch sides again I have no idea why putting himself in danger was a part of his plan it might actually be that he's aware of his plot armor because I have no [ __ ] understanding of this on top of that why did rampart betray our heroes when this plan would have worked way better with him just being on their team the whole time instead he remains loyal to vision and then he betrays vision so he was willing to betray him anyway why did vision only have two [ __ ] guards and no way to defend himself beyond a glowstick knife why would vision agree to this plan when he is the one person who's won blaster shot away from dying at any point from anyone in the room they are all his enemies on top of that he knows they're coming in with smuggled guns he could have died from the moment they opened the damn door why when rampart killed all of the remaining guards did he not kill our heroes and vision since all of those people in the room want him dead and he was the only one with guns if he leaves them alone they'll obviously [ __ ] chase him and kill him oh wait that's what happens but I guess we needed the boss battle first didn't we we had to have that there's even this piece of choreography where vision knocks the gun out of Rangers hand by wrapping both of his knives around it and like blooping it out why would you not simply slash him you [ __ ] why does Daenerys bother with the triple fake-out [ __ ] why wouldn't she just immediately betray and kill vision it comes across as so god damn supid to keep the audience guessing on who the ultimate super betrayer is in the film because that's the theme for this one folks never trust anyone people are motivated by survival and life before anything else god I'm sure people are already writing essays explaining why femputer should be your favorite character this whole ending is [ __ ] the film is a wet fart but we close out with Ranger Sola realizing that Daenerys has super ultimate trap card reversal betrayed him and he opts to leave for finding this is America and his ship meanwhile Daenerys gets the orders to continue her mission by a shadowy figure with robotic legs sitting on a throne with a cloak and it's revealed to be none other than [ __ ] Darth Maul he's alive the rebels show is definitely catered now he has this [ __ ] do last lightsaber Daris talks to him agrees with him with the idea of working closely with him in the future the call is finished and he just stands up and ignites both parts of the lightsaber and then turns it off there's no point it's just fancy I clapped I clapped when I saw it there's no reason that he would do that the hologram just adds it's priceless it is the most clunky fanservice in all the Star Wars films he's just there with his lightsaber he may as well have said hey guys you remember me from the prequels right well go watch the next movie and find out what's going on here on top of that they just play parts of duel of the fates over what he's saying to really make sure you guys are in the mood what a [ __ ] mess we then end the film by seeing that Han beats this is America in a rematch of soo bahk because he steals his cheat card apparently he doesn't realize he's lost it until he pulls the last card at the end of the game because theatrics the scene genuinely feels like they filmed it much later because they forgot that Chewie and Han needed the [ __ ] Falcon for continuity so Ranger solo wins the Falcon places his [ __ ] dice on the damn thing and rides off into the sunset please care about the dice please it'll make the last Jedi better and so ends the film what in the holiest of [ __ ] did we just see when we all said that this movie was gonna be bad we had no eye dear we were [ __ ] prophets for Christ's sake what in the hell were you thinking with this movie Disney you had one job provide a challenging journey for Ranger solo to go from an average human to what we saw in episode 4 but no you just had to [ __ ] it all up we need to give him a shower scene with Chuy you know I'm getting ahead of myself let's start from the top what the [ __ ] is with the centipede vampires all for that matter the insane amount of creatures in this film that look hefty as hell costing the production team millions being on screen for like ten seconds why are you burning money you [ __ ] tools speaking of wasting potential thanks for creating the Maven monkey characters having them die halfway through the only substantive scene they're in was very clever when it comes to stuff you're gonna keep does it have to be from the other Star Wars content now you can't trust your own creations anymore I mean I don't blame you you literally made this acting so the marauders the ones that are responsible for the deaths of Maeve and monkey dude tell everyone that they are the good guys and huge shocker it's the space mafia who were the evil ones they need to be stopped movie we already know they are reprehensible vision begins the film by killing a random guy he threatens to kill all of the heroes several times we know they are evil this reveal is [ __ ] pointless but it serves to push the plot so why not it even convinces Han to be the good guy again nobody seems to have any issue with the Marauders they don't even speak about what they did which screams either bad editing or reshooting to give them the action scene and then they were also heroes later on I don't know besides that the only person who really can care about the deaths is rampart but he doesn't bat an eye for the rest of the movie you wouldn't even have guessed he had a [ __ ] crew his whole character was supposed to be the guy who teaches you about betrayal by being the one who betrays but it made no sense he didn't choose any of the smart things to do he just chose whatever the plot said he should choose yes the whole him being the betrayer was very subtle I had no [ __ ] clue he was going to be the evil one yeah you keep on flipping those guns all the way to hell buddy which brings us to Denarius who basically plays two characters in the film the initial girlfriend to make the dice matter and then this vapid sidekick who does bugger roll up until the triple backstab and oh sorry you want to know how they connect these two characters that she portrays well three years pass and she just bumps into Hahn Class A writing right there I am almost convinced that she was only along for the ride to try and convince the audience that she is now a good guy but as we have learned in three years a whole lifetime of events can happen and now she is super Darth Maul assassin betrayer person I mean I [ __ ] believe it sure oh let's not forget vision as the film did what a standard cartoon bad guy he has barely any screen time massive control and intimidation and power of the situation but the twist is that he doesn't have any [ __ ] clue what's going on and dies for it everyone betrays him and the [ __ ] joke is that it works and he dies despite knowing all about it beforehand god that's embarrassing so what about femputer what a worthy addition to the Star Wars [ __ ] Canon thanks to this mistake we now have the idea that all droids are just [ __ ] psychopath stuck inside metal suits they all need a revolution otherwise their brothers and sisters are enslaved to forever act as [ __ ] droids which is what they are do you picture r2d2 just silently screaming throughout his time in the OT well he should have been because his [ __ ] robotic rights were being besmirched did r2d2 get equal rights did he get equal pay thanks to this pile of [ __ ] we can ask these questions [ __ ] wonderful don't forget that they actually established that this is America and his navigational computer have an on-off relationship complete with sexual tension swearing to the audience that no this is totally a [ __ ] thing before she's rightfully shot to hell having a droid struggle to talk and slowly perish is so [ __ ] dub it's binary you [ __ ] it's on until it's off they aren't like humans when they die just replace the [ __ ] batteries ordinary human dating it's enjoyable and it serves an important purpose but when a human dates an artificial mate there is no purpose only enjoyment and that leads to tragedy you have to love that they permanently [ __ ] up the Millennium Falcon by the way that [ __ ] isn't even supposed to be possible it's a ship and you gave it the personality of one of the most annoying characters in the saga she fights for sexism and racism in the droid community it costs them on a job because of this massive defect and despite all of that this is America chooses to keep her memory from being wiped simply because she has the best navigational computer in the galaxy for no [ __ ] reason [ __ ] off speaking of this is America he has no purpose in this film they get his ship off him after he's supposed to be provided one from them and then he sits around he gets nothing heroic or meaningful to do aside from show up for the death of his sex toy and then he's out what a [ __ ] waste his character gains nothing from this film which brings us to hand [ __ ] solos botched clone he's a good guy but then he's a bad guy but then he's a good guy but then he's a bad guy and then he's a good guy and then he's a bad guy and then he's a good guy [ __ ] Disney and their inability to understand or grow characters in Star Wars this is like a [ __ ] epidemic to them han Solo has the same arc in this film as Episode four and other than that he's just walking around reacting to the situation with his massive set of abilities did you guys expect to get some awesome explanations and origins for his attributes and tools well let's go through them his name it's from some random [ __ ] saying he's solo his blaster again random guy his piloting skills while he drove a speeder a few times so that explains that his blaster skills well he shoots a blaster his gambling skills well he beginner's luck his dice well they're made extremely important by the last Jedi but he just had them already they had nothing to do with anything they're just about Daenerys I guess that's great his iconic ship well he gets it because he's better than this is America at gambling for some reason the name of his ship well it was it was always named that the speed of his ship well it was always the fastest even before he got it his friends well he he bumps into every important person in his life luckily what a [ __ ] disaster they made hon [ __ ] solo a god damn Gary Stu nothing about him is special endure worked for there's no trial and tribulation it's all just him that son solo he was bored with this stuff I don't know they not only create their own cardboard characters they are now converting our old incredible characters into cardboard [ __ ] stop you creativity vampires not everyone wants to be devoid of talent and character okay you create a movie to be all about how some random guy eventually became han Solo and you have all of these elements to work with and this is what you did nothing it comes down to luck or a boring scene with his kit being thrown at him for [ __ ] sake then there's Aldens performance which yeah I'll let everyone decide for themselves on that one I'm not even gonna touch it well why don't you use your then there is da [ __ ] mole why the hell are you in this movie is this the official announcement that Disney have exhausted all credibility from the OT characters and they're now starting to poach from the prequels the prequels is what you are poaching from in order to get people to watch your films now you sad [ __ ] that tied in to the whole sequel Bay element of this film as well Darth Maul is just one of many cliffhangers serving to try and get people hyped for the following film meaning that Star Wars from now on at its best will be the worst of the MCU get you in sea a terrible story and then bait the sequel because we promised guys that one will be good and that's not to mention the cringe-worthy levels of fanservice in this heap there are so many vague [ __ ] references set offhand to appease anyone with the equivalent of a Star Wars dictionary it comes across as desperate pandering to name a few we have Aurra sing far Lando's Jabba Gear making an appearance Karelia scare off' big shot gangster looking for a crew on Tatooine zan sisters Felucia thermal detonators minor Cantina in a warm place anyone Mandalorian armor the exchange the Trade Federation Darth Maul Dathomir Bosque and I am almost certain it's a reaction to the fact that people hate how much the sequel trilogy is divorced from the Star Wars world but this is not how you do it you [ __ ] idiots you don't shove arbitrary references in all of the scenes re-recording with ADR to get us all hyped for the name we randomly might know but that's not the only apology for the last Jedi they fixed up the dice they even made a big deal out of fuel making hyper fuel the big MacGuffin of the Star Wars universe even though we never had to care about it before the last Jedi but the biggest apology for that film had to be having Chewbacca tear the arms off people and break their skulls by smashing them into the ground he ain't sitting alone cracking jokes or [ __ ] pogs at this one folks but if you wanted this to make more sense if you wanted to set up the last Jedi and then release the last Jedi maybe you should have released the film's in Reverse you hax if you make a film to apologize for another don't forget that it also needs to be good that's key at this point instead you made Royd lives matter robosexual a fied a beloved character while taking any chance of what made this character inspirational overall a very sad film that's pandering like hell to satisfy all of the people who had disenfranchised by the last Jedi but it's too late you idiots the damage is done the milking of this franchise is practically only beginning but the cracks are now so big that even the more casual audience members are jumping off Disney's wild ride and films like this serve as a massive [ __ ] [ __ ] you to those who stay you were desperate to SAP the living hell out of the OT with the last Jedi in the force awakens and now you're gonna create Sol movies to kill individual characters as well [ __ ] fantastic when I went to see this film it was opening day it was prime time it was screen [ __ ] one and eleven people showed up with one of them leaving during the Kessel heist how can I be saying that about a Star Wars film forget the past kill it if you have to right kylo just make sure to check out all the films that are banking on the past that we shoved down your throat till you choke are you seriously gonna start making a film for every single available carrot without a defined history keeps throwing them out until one of them makes some money I imagine at least the veil is lifted thanks to the last Jedi and even the masses find the concept of pain to see a Star Wars movie laughable I mean this is just embarrassing I have to wonder at this point Disney are you deliberately tanking Star Wars as a franchise because this is honestly the best way to do it without being obviously super villain ish about it another corker right from the mouse to add to the collection remember folks there are now more Disney Star Wars films than there are original films as a collective or prequel films as a collective Disney Star Wars is now the majority of the film's legacy is that what the [ __ ] at least the sequel to this film will be Han Solo's ex-girlfriend teaming up with Darth Maul in a gangster adventure so that could be [ __ ] to the point of fun who knows it's still a better plot than last year by speaking of which if you thought this was fun check out my video for the last Jedi and the extended assessment I gave it in long-form discussing it at length as much as Star Wars is a bloated diseased corpse it has opened up a lot of discussion between myself and you guys on the internet which is awesome so thank you for that Disney I suppose and thank you guys for watching I will see you next to us you computer demands to know why there are men on her planet take them to the snow snow chambers don't date robots brought to you by

Channel: MauLer

Views: 2,153,136

Rating: 4.771184 out of 5

Keywords: Rant, Rage, spoilers, discussion, Star, wars, Disney, movies, films, johnson, john, boyega, adam, driver, carrie, fisher, hamill, episode 8, Kylo, Ren, rey, snoke, Lucas, Film, review, Angry, lore, George, Rebels, Empire, Dies, Death, terrible, worst, awful, Yoda, han, solo, a han solo, story, lando, calrissian, emilia, clarke, alden, erenreich, donald, glover

Id: _bQbYmLAZ_k

Length: 55min 26sec (3326 seconds)

Published: Wed May 30 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/ReformedShitposter]

While I do love MauLer, I feel he was unnecessarily harsh just because that's now his shtick with Star Wars. Great video nonetheless

[u/[deleted]]

This is where the fun begins.

[u/Gandamack]

I’ve been looking forward to this.

[u/dakini09]

Excellent review, as always!

[u/Justin_Butts]

He'll probably have more views than Solo in the next couple days.

[u/Suddup224]

I saw Red Letter Review too and they made the hilarious observation about the movie having a scene of fuel being transported on a train by an organization that has flying machines lol. I know most movies have flaws but it has become more prolific with the current batch of Star Wars movies. Could it be that trying to do back stories with old characters is kind of doomed to have problems with consistency and continuity of the universe they are set?

[u/4esthetics]

Han really did become a Gary Stu in this one. Hopefully the Mary Sue= sexist accusations can die now.

Also, the comparison between Alden and Ford's performances are priceless. It really shows how weak Alden's performance really was. The guy's a charisma vacuum.