The Predator: An Unbridled Rage

i'm not actually convinced that this film is real but i'm going to do my best to explain it to you we open on a space battle with a predatorship being blasted by a pursuing predatorship right before it tears open a teleportation hole in space and travels directly to earth this actually happens the ship makes it through to earth and before crash landing jettisons out an escape pod of some kind keep in mind that will be relevant for the last scene of the film we then meet man dude who is so badass you just know that he's super cool and awesome shove me again i'm gonna break your neck we are smashed into a covet american mission in mexico where it has come down to a team of three guys seeing whether or not hostages are executed or not remember they did that in the original remember we're doing it again [ __ ] you the predator ship then crash lands right next to dude bloke's team and somehow the predator's gear all falls off and lands outside of the ship while the ship itself is lost and becomes the mcguffin of the movie don't think about it it gets so much worse so dude bro finds and picks up the predator gauntlet and he just decides to put it on and it actually works because movie i don't know both of his team members are then killed and right at the moment that the predator is heading towards bro boy the gauntlet that he had attached just automatically defeats the predator by throwing some kind of projectile at him by accident and now it's down in the first two minutes of the film the predator has been defeated awesome we then see government officials show up they collect everything in the area while our protagonist escapes the uh bad guy is introduced and the camera focuses on him taking some nicorette like it hangs there for a while to let us know he has a nicotine problem and it will likely be relevant at um no this never comes up again bear in mind there were reshoots for this film as there always seemed to be for films these days reportedly the biggest reason for it is that shane black realized the third act was shot in daylight and that isn't scary so they did it again but at night classic filmmaking right there but the fact that they wear reshoots should explain why there are several moments in this film that make no [ __ ] sense at all so out of the predator gear that he stole bloke boy decides to mail the gauntlet and the mask to his po box this is in order to have proof of the story when he returns home instead of being a patsy on top of that he swallows the little ball from the predator's gear oh you don't know what i mean by the little ball well the little ball when activated turns you completely invisible you guys remember how predators always activate it with the gauntlet and how you would remove the invisibility as an option for the predator if you damaged the gauntlet well now it's just science ball and you might wonder why they've made this change but um it's a shane black film so you can bet it was for a joke i guess we'll see we then cut to awesome guy's son who is watching the chess games at his school but some bully tropes decide to pull the fire alarm to annoy everyone and i [ __ ] you not the teacher ferries everyone out of the class and ignores the one child rain manning on the floor thanks to his aspergers and you can actually see the teacher in the scene he just [ __ ] forgets about the special needs child in front of him during a fire as if that would [ __ ] happen but it allows our bully tropes to walk by the class and realize they have a chance to be evil only they just decide to call the defenseless child asperger and then they say that they are hungry for some ass burgers this is actual dialogue in the film now here i'm in i'm in my 50s now and i felt like a midlife crisis coming on i guess i will be calling him asperger throughout this rant then thank you shane so the bully tropes get bored and leave no idea why they decided to come in altogether if the only goal was to ask for some ass burgers but they do knock over all the chess pieces in the room in order to annoy the chess club i guess and then we have shown that asperger can remember where every single chess piece was on every single board and so he puts them all back this is a setup for his super powers oh you think i'm joking no this is a setup for his super powers asperger then goes home and a delivery man provides him the package his dad sent to the po box apparently his dad is overdue in payments and so that means the post office delivered to him directly how inconvenient and i mean is that actually a [ __ ] thing oh well the film found a way to give the burger of ass a whole bunch of space technology why not after that we cut to some government style dudes walk up to woman girl she does the sciences the guy then says dr brackett i understand you enjoy stargazing and that's it she just goes with them the scene ends apparently that's all we needed characters are not people they are props we've got to put them in the place they need to be because i don't [ __ ] know we then see her in a car being driven to the mysterious destination and they then tell her that these aliens have visited many times in 87 and 97 and increasing visits lately so it is safe to assume that predator 1 and 2 are canon i wish that was a good thing we then cut to asperger being told to wear a halloween mask by his mum and he says he doesn't want to because people will still be able to tell he's under there i wonder what mask he can use to hopefully prevent that from happening snap back to buddy bro and he's being interrogated for information on what happened in mexico he essentially realizes that they are setting him up for the murder of his own team and he actually plays along probably because he plans to break out snap back to the house of the asperger and we see that the burger himself is beginning to open up all of the predator gear snap back again to bloke guy who is getting placed on a prisoner transport i'm not kidding you the editing in this film gets to the point where your neck starts to break if you want to keep up with it the second he sits down we get this other guy to explain everything to us he says his name is gaylord and he prefers a nickname he gave himself but we're gonna stick with gaylord he is there because he shot a co in the head after explaining that he just decides [ __ ] it i'll explain all the characters in this bus and their gimmicks because show don't tell is no longer a thing we have key who fired on his own men by accident and now tells jokes to deal with it theon the sneaky one who does card tricks and blew up a mountain no i'm not kidding then we get bible dude gaylord just outwardly says he loves his bible that's his gimmick i hope we're clear on this hilarious concept and finally we have the punisher who has tourette's syndrome and shane black being the highbrow comedian that he is decided to take this character to a whole new level than we've seen previously by having him say eat your [ __ ] dick [ __ ] me with an aardvark and [ __ ] [ __ ] he says these randomly in conversations along with clicking his [ __ ] tongue all the time um do you guys remember what writing characters was like we are at the point where [ __ ] superhero movies are the gold standard for character writing what the [ __ ] happened in 2018 for movies man it's like the release of the last jedi has let everyone know that we can be as [ __ ] as we want to as long as money is made when i felt like a midlife crisis coming on so we snap back again to our other protagonist and she's being ushered into the science place where they do science and it turns out they have collected the predator gear from the other movies we even see the spear that was made in avp which makes those canon 2. though i don't know why we have these pieces of tech on display instead of in labs being researched on since they are incredible pieces of futuristic technology but [ __ ] it we're moving on we then find out they've captured the first predator from the opening and have it sedated in a science place for science she ends up taking a close look at it and then says you are one beautiful [ __ ] remember that line we're doing it again because [ __ ] you the reality is they have no clue what to do with the predator though they have discovered something apparently it has human dna and before you can question the absolute dumbassery of that the science people begin saying uh like this happens a lot in real life you have goats that do it and sheep that share species dna as if that makes this make any [ __ ] sense at all it reminds me of the poisonous rat speech to justify soldier dinosaurs in jurassic world 2. either way girl lady then interrupts him and says in a most shane black written way guys i get it you want to know if someone [ __ ] an alien and there is this long pause for laughter my cinema just [ __ ] winced lady person then asks to speak with bromail and so they call off having him outright killed to bring him back to the science place snap back to the bus and there is a joke about homeless people being circumcised and five men [ __ ] the punisher's mum um yeah i just need someone to remind me periodically that i'm watching a predator film right now because the genre and tone are actually [ __ ] snap back to ass of house burger and he's casually figured out how to use the alien technology entirely he understands the [ __ ] language and uses the holographic alien keyboard letting him control the new predator ship that has just arrived it houses the enemy from the beginning that was star warsing with our main predator the kid then manages to get the government to actually pick up on the entry of the new predator by deactivating its cloaking field with his knowledge of the controller he is using forcing all of these factions to start clashing yeah no this actually happens this is the plot please stay with me people snap back to the lab and woman lady is complaining that they won't let her see a mysterious liquid that liquid that she is talking about does more damage to the predator franchise than anything across any of these films and we are going to get to it a random science person then warns that this new predatorship is coming to the lab they know this because the government found the ship and are tracking it and that's where it's heading and that was possible because the kid deactivated the predator's cloak because the post office sent him his dad's p.o box stuff because of late payments are you still [ __ ] following this guys snap back to the predatorship and the new predator is hilariously trying to restart the cloaking shield and it keeps cutting between him and the kid who keep putting it up and down i just have to ask what the f why are you okay why is the kid so adamant about that particular function on this alien technology what is his investment in this entire [ __ ] thing what is asperger doing in this scene and why and why does this piece of technology override anything on this other predator's completely unrelated ship and why does it do any of this why then we cut back to science place and there is a proximity warning for the new predator i guess but then for no reason at that very moment the first predator that was sound asleep and locked down with restraints wakes up and escapes there is no breaking of bonds or an accident that lets it go free it just gets up and kills everyone somehow managing to not get shot by the several guards with rifles too it's like the dinosaur escape in jurassic world one only this time they didn't have some fat idiot that released him they just threw their hands up and wrote uh it wakes up and escapes [ __ ] know apparently the government were too [ __ ] to keep this thing locked down in literally any way shape or form despite knowing about its entire history like one guy walks right up to the predator with a rifle to try and shoot it only to be slapped across the room because in movies you can't shoot someone with a rifle unless you are right next to them i think this film was intended for traditional reviewers and they will be throwing out logic as much as possible since traditional reviewers are the only people who appreciate a lack of logic genuinely though i think we're dealing with a massive editing mistake like the last jedi where there were reshoots and they've just cut the scene where the predator actually manages to escape his bonds but you know what the [ __ ] ever i guess female gal then picks up the vial of secret juice and a tranquilizer gun and is then spared by the predator after having dropped the weapon at least they [ __ ] got that right the predator then looks into his new mask he got from the display and sees through it to his old mask in the asperger house which in turn sees a random note on the wall that shows an address that the predator can then use to get back to the other gear it has lost let me say that again the predator puts on a new mask that he got from the display case and through it he sees through his old mask in the asperger house which in turn sees a random note on the wall that shows an address that the predator can then use to get its gear back somebody actually [ __ ] wrote that we then cut back to the bus where they say there has been a breach only to cut to the outside of the science place where the predator is murdering every soldier trying to stop it i thought there was some kind of secret underground dam but now it's like a facility on ground level or something i honestly have no idea turn your brain off brains are actually offensive to movies these days we then snap back to girl person who is told to not let the predator escape and she agrees science man says don't let it escape and she says not my space animal and then she begins her chase this line is so poorly written i don't even know what they were trying to say with it is it that she's desperate to catch it to be able to study it it just tore through about 20 armed and trained personnel and she has a [ __ ] track gun she's in civilian clothing we just saw that sedatives don't do [ __ ] what is your plan woman whatever before we can absorb that we snap back to manboy who sees that the predator has escaped and so he rallies the men of the bus to rise up and fight the alien that killed his men in the beginning and somehow that works he then says we gotta move to which gaylord responds brother this is a bus it moves who wrote this dialogue for christ's sake so the men fake a riot and when the soldiers come out to break them up they are all knocked out and ditched leaving the bus to our new team of heroes we then cut back to lady woman who is now holding her trunk gun waddling in full pursuit of the [ __ ] predator but don't sit with that for too long because we're back with dude guy who asks gaylord to help him not only find the alien but kill it and he just agrees because why [ __ ] not i suppose let's all hunt down a [ __ ] alien despite being wanted fugitives that just broke out of custody we then start hyperactively snapping back and forth between all five factions including girl guy predator new predator ship and the government scrambling over what is a [ __ ] mess of a scene culminating in mrs woman sprinting for an eternity only to jump on top of the very vehicle our gaggle of idiots are inside of to try and get a shot at the predator who is simply running in front of that very same vehicle and i'm not [ __ ] kidding here guys she ends up shooting herself with the tranquilizer in her own [ __ ] foot she was sitting in such a way that when aiming at the predator her foot was also right in the way too this woman actually manages despite having the perfect shot of the thing she wants to somehow shoot herself in the [ __ ] foot with her own track gun and she is knocked out this actually [ __ ] happens on top of that gaylord then says get to the chopper as he refers to a selection of motorbikes just out of reach remember that bit in the original they did it again because [ __ ] you we then cut back to the predator ship and it destroys the government ships following it so i guess that's done only to then snap back to a random government guy like a single random government soldier man who goes to execute female woman since she's knocked out on the floor but just before this random dude is able to do that person fella bonks him right off the screen with a surprise bike attack and saves her good god the predator then having escaped those guys jumps into a government vehicle and kills everyone in the back of it screaming bloody murder only for the driver to then say hey everybody okay back there and then the predator the [ __ ] predator grabs a severed arm from the floor of the truck and makes it pose a thumbs up and puts it through the hatch to tell the driver everything is fine and the driver [ __ ] buys it i yeah i'm serious this actually [ __ ] happens in the film then we see the new predator is set down on earth and releases his dogs to go and find the tech he is after only to cut to our heroes who are now all in a random hotel i guess i feel i should mention that there is this thing some of you might call a joke where key asks punisher what it's like to hold a gun again and he replies feels like a gun and again there is this pause for the audience to laugh and i just want to die we then get a bonding scene for boy man and gaylord it's actually embarrassing it opens with him saying it's the end of times huh only for gaylord to respond with worst thing about the end times they never [ __ ] are and then they both laugh what the [ __ ] is this dialogue gaylord then admits that it was actually himself that he shot not a different co and he has a scar on his head because of it bro man then asks if he should be worried and gaylord responds probably and then the scene ends somebody actually wrote this the next scene then spends a decent amount of time code arguing over whether or not the punisher said sheesh you're pushy or eat your [ __ ] this is apparently called comedy all of the characters just argue over this for ages because he has tourette's and he says the funny things i i like maybe i don't get comedy anymore because i haven't evolved as a [ __ ] critic next up guy man says that the government were trying to kill gal girl because she stole the special juice no idea how he knows that but [ __ ] it thanks to that she says well i guess i'm in in what what the [ __ ] is happening are you guys hunting aliens officially now immediately after agreeing to join them she then asks what's the reason she should join these guys what wouldn't someone ask that before agreeing to stay with these guys then the teams say that they can keep her alive and that they are the good guys which is a reason to be with them and she responds that's debatable i read your file the men it killed in mexico they were yours the government are gonna need a patsy to which he says yeah you're looking at him and then she says yeah i figured what you just said that it's debatable as to whether or not he's a good guy and to follow that up you say he's being framed by the government as if that's some kind of evidence against him being a good guy and this comes after you saying you're gonna join them only to then ask whether or not you should consider joining them who wrote this dialogue it doesn't make any sense it's out of order and people aren't speaking to each other like humans so pushing on we get a few jokes about how bible guy believes in the bible and the assumption that the predator is trying to get the gear that man bro stole at the beginning so they gotta get to it first meanwhile and i'm not [ __ ] kidding asperger puts on the predator helmet and it immediately shows him a [ __ ] video of predators experimenting on predators to create new predators no idea why the mask would do that or why it activates it's like the predator equivalent of youtube for [ __ ] sake but it will help the audience understand what changes are being made to predator lore and we're gonna get an insight into that very [ __ ] soon we then cut to halloween and the kid has gone out wearing the predator mask and the gauntlet because he is a [ __ ] idiot unfortunately the dad got home just out of time and missed him and there are two pieces of hilarious exposition dude man says that he is outraged that the box came to his house and the wife just says what he ordered some video games big deal this line is meant to tell us that she let him keep the box and the stuff inside it because she's convinced it was a video game [ __ ] awful then he says oh no the whole reason i sent it to a p.o box was that you guys wouldn't be in danger as if that somehow makes this po box [ __ ] make more sense the film just wanted to have the asperger kid have all the predator gear it's as simple as that like seriously these pieces of dialogue are so [ __ ] forced so then we cut to the kid walking around on the street with ominous music to imply something bad is gonna happen only to then cut back to the mercs who are cracking jokes in the house while waiting for whatever they're supposed to do next there's a [ __ ] ton of sex jokes [ __ ] jokes penis jokes smelly people jokes a random intersplice of grief as they explain the death of the soldiers in the beginning of the film to the wife to more bible thumping jokes and hilarious misunderstandings then they are asked to go on another mission but they all finally [ __ ] point out that they are fugitives and there's no reason for them to go on a hunt for a [ __ ] space alien there is comedy drama calls to action melancholy courage and subversion between every line of [ __ ] dialogue i have never seen a more tonally [ __ ] balked film than this and it's a [ __ ] predator film it is not hard to maintain a tone in predator thank you for proving me wrong shane so in response to their lack of investment brodude threatens to kill all of them if they ever get in the way he leaves the house and then his wife is asked to explain his history to try and convince the rest of them to come along i have no idea why that would change their minds in any way like why in the [ __ ] should they hunt a space alien that sliced through 30 soldiers just minutes ago but since they all have individual characters it is good to spend some time with why they are invested in this nonsense so she says he is a sniper he has confirmed kills and missions throughout the world with several medals finishing off with saying that he is a great soldier but a lousy husband this speech puts gaylord on board with the mission for some reason but not the rest of them how odd it's almost like telling them that the soldier guy as a soldier isn't enough for them to commit suicide strange except gaylord calls them [ __ ] and so they all decide to just go with him that is a scene that actually happens these are not people but in case you haven't laughed enough in this horror film the punisher is shocked by the sight of a gun as he enters the campervan and he says [ __ ] me in the face with an aardvark holds up spork we then cut to asperger who is being accosted by the bully tropes again in the street only this time he quickly runs away from them to a house in order to say trick-or-treat there is no answer at first but then because shane black writing means you need to hear ridiculous [ __ ] in the most inappropriate places the guy who owns the house the kid knocked on looks out his window and says here's your treat you little [ __ ] and throws what looked like a [ __ ] bottle at asperger before we can recover from that asperger's mask reacts and automatically fires a [ __ ] plasma caster shot directly into the man blowing him apart and destroying his house what the [ __ ] what in the [ __ ] universe just [ __ ] happened the bullies just get summoned only to randomly give up the second asperger runs to the nearest house that unfortunately happens to be occupied by the only [ __ ] on the street stupid enough to assault a child for trick-or-treating on [ __ ] halloween in a densely populated suburb only to then be unlucky enough to abuse the only [ __ ] child on the street who happens to be wearing [ __ ] space alien technology resulting in him being blown apart because the plasmacaster from the predator gear is now built into the predator masks and it automatically reacts to being hit with anything who would write this garbage the film then shows the kid make a scary face of the bullies and they run away in fear likely as a reaction to seeing the pieces of flesh littering the nearest decimated house i guess that arc is completed thanks for showing that people with aspergers also happen to have no regrets about murder i suppose they are super villains anyway the kid runs off and eventually enters a park in which the predator dogs start to approach him these things have the dreadlocks and they're literally predators but dogs as if dogs for humans are just humans but dog shaped for [ __ ] sake so then the entire crew show up and shoot the [ __ ] out of the dogs killing one and um okay there's action-packed music there's roars from the dogs and there's gunfire all over the place then gaylord walks up to one of the dogs and hits it in the head with like a nail gun or something and it doesn't die it just appears to be lobotomized and so it waddles around and i'm not [ __ ] kidding here the crew leave it just cuts to them on the campervan and the predator dog is waddling around in the background this actually happens someone created this film so the predator shows up and tells everyone to lower their weapons he [ __ ] symbolizes this with a hand gesture and it makes me cringe even more than when they did it in avp but i [ __ ] you not they put their weapons down only for the punisher to start sparking out with his tourettes which sets off the predator and the crew begins shooting like his tourettes are for spouting awkward sex jokes or pushing the plot it is [ __ ] sad for people who actually suffer from this anyway the predator gets pissed and fires the plasmacaster a few times until man person woman person and asperger all make their way into a school eventually the predator grabs our hero before it can deliver a finishing blow the new predator grabs it and throws it onto the ground this is the reveal for the super predator he is bigger badder and scarier than ever genetically altered super cgi predator folks because [ __ ] you so yes here it is we get a bit of predator on predator action the smaller predator misses a plasmacaster shot then goes for a swipe only to be thrown onto the car and then his head is punched off he's dead that was so cool do you guys remember when the predator actually meant you were [ __ ] like when he would show up it was like oh good god we're so dead well now he's like a joke because we got that super cool awesome bigger one to deal with so then bad guy arrives and he wants to assess the situation he looks at the predator corpse and rolls off a bunch of one-liners yeah this is what happens when you combine mad libs and shane black it's just the purest of garbage so bad guy from looking at these corpses concludes that the big one was hunting the little one because the little one betrayed the rest of the predators he calls it interstellar cops and robbers how could you possibly [ __ ] guess that from what we've said what the [ __ ] ever bad guy then gets confirmation from asperger's mum that the kid holds the key to the ship and so they need to find him we then cut to bro dude and he gives some advice to his asperger he tells him that having a burger ass is okay because he also isn't the way that he wants to be which [ __ ] hell what a message just die though it isn't over the asperger then questions his father's choice to kill people and the dad feels the need to justify it and i can't help but remember that we just got done with a scene in which asperger vaporized a man for calling him a little [ __ ] and seemed to not even [ __ ] care who wrote this which brings us to a scene it's a nice little scene a scene in which dr science lady has researched the mystery fluid and discovered the truth of it it is human spinal fluid that was found in the predator's plexus meaning that they've been collecting spinal fluid from other species she then says one for one i think i know what they're up to on predator world these days and then she explains you see predators aren't taking trophies from their victims when they separate the spine as we've previously assumed the predators are collecting samples of spines attached to heads in order to extract the vital spinal fluids that provide their prey with unique survival traits that they can then splice into themselves to create ultimate predators remember that awesome video we saw of predators doing science on predators well now we have context for that scene guy person then says they're upgrading and so they head outside and see his asperger which prompts him to say you know it's pretty amazing how he's managed to learn the alien language and technology and she responds you know a lot of experts say that people who are on the spectrum aren't afflicted with the disorder they are considered the next step in the evolutionary chain what the [ __ ] are you doing you extracted human dna from the predator and you conclude that they separate the heads from their victims in order to bring them back home and upgrade themselves from it what the [ __ ] would be the benefit of getting the survival traits from a species you [ __ ] murdered you dopey tit that's just silly what do you mean they're collecting samples of other species every film up to this point has shown it's a matter of honor and pride they clean their trophies and display them they don't extract dna that's just silly the predator didn't kill billy and then hope to take his dna home and splice it he tore that motherfucker's spine out as a [ __ ] trophy he roared the jungle down as a celebration of [ __ ] up his opponent but what we're supposed to assume that the whole time he was just extremely happy that he was able to take billy's head home and upgrade with it [ __ ] you that is so silly what about predator 2 are we supposed to assume that a whole clan of predators watched one of their own get [ __ ] by this human and then they decided they didn't want his survival traits they just let him go there was me thinking it was because they respected his achievement as a human defeating a hunter that was far stronger and more advanced than him but no they just wanted to collect survival juice this whole time stop rewriting the classic [ __ ] movies you insufferable [ __ ] and what's this about people on the spectrum now being more advanced and evolved is that your piss-poor way of explaining that the kid who should be portrayed with obsession and repetitive behaviors is now a god among men understanding alien technology and languages and on top of that why were the science people so adamant about keeping the spinal juice away from the doctor to the point where they would kill her for having it why the [ __ ] would they care if she found out the predators were upgrading isn't the whole [ __ ] reason you brought her on board to find that out she's an evolutionary biologist film do you remember your own script this fails so monumentally how do you [ __ ] up the predator law from a movie standpoint there was barely any of it anyway and it was incredibly simple yet awesome to understand from an extended universe perspective though you've just pissed all over a legion of media with your [ __ ] fan fiction i mean holy [ __ ] way to terminated genesis the predator franchise let's see how much worse this gets we cut to bibleman protecting the predator dog who has now reappeared no i do not know why don't [ __ ] ask me they decide that since gaylord lobotomized it female person can study it and she even says hey nobody shoot my [ __ ] dog okay this is happening now fine go ahead movie just just let me know when that's gonna become important to the plot bad guy then shows up and captures everyone except key and the punisher he has dude mate beaten up while he chats with lady female so then bad guy explains that the first predator hijacked the spacecraft had arrived with it was carrying a gift for the human race and it was trying to stop the other predators from getting it so she asks him why are they here which is an odd thing to ask considering he just explained they were here to provide a gift but he just gives her a completely different answer this time anyway he says that climate change is going to scorch our planet in one generation maybe two and that predators have been increasing their visits so they can grab the best dna from humans and upgrade with it before we all die they apparently want to adapt themselves with our dna before moving in to help survive our world once it's scorched which is why they've been visiting more and more as time goes on and so with this coming predator invasion one of the predators went rogue and tried to provide humans with a weapon to stop said invasion he was predator jesus this is actually something that takes place in this film this happens what the [ __ ] are you doing they are suggesting that the visit in 87 was to collect dna from the best humans the visit in 97 was the same thing and then the two avp movies were increasing visits thanks to global warming even though those films were first about hunting aliens and the second was about containment of aliens they are also suggesting that predators are prepping an invasion of earth because they like it hot but they also want to take our survival traits to help them live here even though they've decided to try and take our dna now because they've noticed that we're all going to go extinct in a generation from a very scorching earth so explain to me how the [ __ ] a human trait helps you survive an environment that killed every human you witless [ __ ] and let's be honest here as if humans have some key trait that would help predators survive earth you have once again rewritten the old films the entire motivation for the predator visits to earth was to prep a [ __ ] invasion and so they try to acquire dna from the best human fighters to upgrade themselves with boiling hot excrement does not actually come close to describing this we then cut to the super awesome cgi upgraded predator that i will hear in call retcon he is breaking into the house of asperger and kills everyone there while the wife escapes he then delivers a nut shot because that's funny i guess you know the bad guys are the government so seeing him get nutshot is funny now to refocus everyone needs to find the fallen predator ship from the beginning remember the one that crash landed apparently that [ __ ] is just lost so no one could find it despite finding the wreckage and the predator but [ __ ] it whatever while in the house retconn then sees a random doodle that asperger had on his desk that apparently is a map to the fallen ship i have no idea why asperger would have known this information or why he would have drawn it in a map or how this map is accurate to real life but somehow that very image is enough for retcon to now know exactly where the downship is and at the same time asperger then begins drawing another map while in the custody of bad guy for no reason the bad guys then realized this and that means that bad guy and the retcon now have a way to get to the ship in prep for the finale i wish to clarify this one more time with you guys asperger drew two random pictures one in his house and one while in custody of bad guy which is a location he somehow knows about for some [ __ ] reason allowing everyone to meet up there and have a final fight this is something that actually happens somebody wrote that script i am embarrassed to read this out do you guys remember when writing was something people actually cared about then we had people like patrick [ __ ] willems and movie bob settling for mediocrity and encouraging this [ __ ] sewage as long as we see predator rip people in half it's worth it right the emotional payoff it doesn't matter what logic is in any other part of the film yeah you're not gonna get me to agree with that even on my [ __ ] deathbed so after bad guy has delivered his speech to lady girl about the new and improved predator lore he orders her execution which dare i even ask why you bothered to explain everything that's happening to the person you're planning to murder anyway he didn't get any information out of her he just told her everything about predators it's unfortunate that they didn't provide this character a mustache to twill because it really would have suited him either way before she is executed the predator dog shows up remember him he's here and he slowly vomits up a grenade i guess he ate that earlier and then for some [ __ ] reason the guard that was meant to execute her is distracted by this and tries to pick up the grenade only for female girl to trip him up pull the pin and put the grenade into his vest and he explodes this allows her to escape this actually happens in the film what the [ __ ] so then bro bloke randomly has stomach grumblings and he goes to the toilet and we get his predator ball back he pooped it out so funny this is a predator film by the way so the good guys get a helicopter because why not and they then use it to follow the predator dog to his master which means everyone's about to meet up at the downed predator ship for the finale i'm so excited bad guy forces asperger to open the ship and they go inside meanwhile the good guys have the area surrounded with theon sniping and the rest knocking out the guards in the area i don't know if it's worth saying that we have no [ __ ] clue about this antagonist faction but we are supposed to be happy that they all get [ __ ] killed i guess because they're the bad guys i don't know whatever bad guy then asks that they download everything on the ship and what's in one of these pods might be project stargazer which sounds like a callback to when they first contacted science woman lady person but there's no other reference to stargazer in the movie i have no [ __ ] clue again rewrites reshoots it's a [ __ ] mess most of this stuff was improv anyway listen to this [ __ ] laugh from bad guy after he says this is for stargazers would you like to do that again dude like we can do another take you don't actually sound human boy person then uses his invisibility ball and kills everyone in the ship except bad guy and asperger to then walk them out of the ship but then theon is killed yeah the retcon just kills him so he's out and with that a firefight starts the retcon just kills a whole bunch of people we don't know until it can get to the ship and something truly [ __ ] awful happens the retcon uses the translating system they apparently have in reverse and sends a message to the humans with some speakers the retcon says this one for one in this voice hello i have enjoyed watching you kill each other i have come here to destroy this vessel you cannot have it what you can do is run but there is one among you who is a true warrior the one called mckenna he will be your leader he will be my prize this is a thing that actually happens in this film the predator says that and as a fan of this rotten mess of a franchise it was awkward as [ __ ] to listen to the retcon then somehow manages to display a [ __ ] time limit for them on the translation system i i whatever and so they all assume that he wants the protagonist but we actually know that the retcon has only read asperger boy's name previously to this so he's obviously referring to him and of course it backs up the claim made earlier about asperger being an evolution on the human race that's aside from the fact that this movie makes him a [ __ ] futuristic genius the retcon must want to have ass burglary added to his genetic pool to assist in survival i guess because that makes as much sense as everything else in this film for [ __ ] sake the predator dog then shows up again eats a piece of important technology and gets stored in a van i am not [ __ ] joking that happens and i'm sure he's not gonna save the day again later but just remember that detail okay just just remember it because i gotta i've gotta say these things because stuff is gonna happen later that requires you to have known what's just happened i know it sounds ridiculous but you should have gone used to it by now anyway what remains of the bad guys and the good guys team up together to make 12 people against the ratcon their plan is to go into the jungle at night and attack it that's their plan our hero and bad guy promise each other that once this is over they are going to kill each other bad guy then fits a plasmacaster to his shoulder i guess he had it from the research they did and he's gonna use it against the retcon okay shockingly people start dying but the first guy dies because he threw the predator's boomerang knife thing that he happened to have and it came back and chopped his own hand off this then prompts bad guy to shoot him in the head and he says you gotta be quiet they are really pushing that he is the bad guy here i guess especially with the i kill my own men trope i suppose it'll be interesting to see his death at the hands of the protagonist at this point moments later one of the other people get pulled into the trees and bad guy spots the retcon eating him in what is a truly awful piece of cgi back to the good guys they decide to use key and the punisher as bait that doesn't really amount to anything and the retcon then reappears using a laugh track as he splits a guy in half with a projectile blade making me curious about tone once again but [ __ ] it at this point then something interesting happens retcon fires a shot at person lady she is knocked to the ground and then she uses the predator mask from earlier to block a knife and as a result the mask releases a shot in retaliation because that's how that works now and it knocks the retcon into a trap the good guys have happened to lay where some gas gets farted onto it and they set it on fire now i need to slow this right down while the retcon is on fire the punisher decides to jump on its back and start stabbing it as a result of this people start shouting punisher's name like he's gonna die girl woman is one of these people and when she shouts his name bad guy turns to look at her activating his plasmacaster and he accidentally blows his own [ __ ] head off and it just cuts again to the punisher on the retcon's back as if nothing happened i [ __ ] died in the cinema i was wheezing i let out an audible what the [ __ ] this man is propped up throughout the film as a complete [ __ ] bad guy he then works with the good guys to bring down the retcon and there is a promise to have a boss fight with the hero and then he just [ __ ] blows his own head off and the film carries on as if nothing happened nobody recognizes it nobody gives a [ __ ] and it happens in about two seconds of screen time this is a scene that takes place in the film they even show part of this in one of the trailers someone wrote this to actually happen if you'll allow me to put on my tinfoil hat i have a theory that they had an entire ending that covered bad guy versus hero but it ended up getting cut because he was shot in daylight and then they didn't get any extra scenes with bad guys so they just edited a current scene they had to have the cgi of his plasma cast to just blow his own head off and they just cut him out of the movie it is so bizarre that i cannot believe that someone would have written that by design but anyway moving right along the punisher is impaled on a tree and key is sliced apart and they both die then the retcon reveals that he was actually searching for the asperger the whole time not our protagonist shocking stuff it even picks up guy bro by the throat and then throws him away lady girl shoots at it and it just kicks her away doesn't use its weaponry on either of them nice to know that plot armor is thick as [ __ ] for our heroes the retcon then takes the asperger to its ship and we get the remaining team members to follow along they hilariously jump on top of the ship and begin shooting at the hull below them in the hopes that they can bring it down i have no idea what the [ __ ] they were thinking with this if you were gonna just [ __ ] shoot the ship down then why jump onto it you utter gremlins so then things get really strange again the retcon activates a shield around the ship that apparently is able to slice off anything that it comes into contact with and from there bible man gets chopped in half only to fall off the ship entirely i laughed then gaylord being the last of the gaggle of idiots is on the outside of the shield whilst our hero is on the inside and so he decides that if he jumps into the ship's turbine he can down the ship and he is right so gaylord dies and the ship eventually crashes leading our main hero our main heroine asperger and the retcon to have a final battle the retcon just misses his plasma caster and then decides to shout until he's finally shot in the face only to then immediately jump right up to mail bro grab him and then throw him away again but before retconn can finally achieve victory mrs lady jumps onto its back and shoots it only to be thrown away again and then and then the predator dog shows up and spits out the technology it ate earlier for our heroes to defeat the retcon with it's a high-tech explosive you think i'm [ __ ] joking don't you you you think that maybe i've lied about this film or maybe i'm just telling you something that just couldn't possibly have happened i'm really not the [ __ ] dog spits up a [ __ ] weapon to save the day again somebody wrote this while this is all happening asperger reactivates the shield on the ship with one touch of a button and he does it at the perfect time in order to cut off the arm of the retcon this then allows our protagonist to fashion the explosive technology to the severed arm of the retcon and fire it into the entire thing and kill it they had time to do this because the [ __ ] predator dog was biting the retcon keeping him busy why the [ __ ] did any of this happen the scene ends with man bloke saying what are you to the dying retcon because reference because [ __ ] you they then kill it to death and all's well that ends well until we see an additional scene we fast forward by some time and the jettison pod from the beginning of the film is being opened at a science lab in which asperger now works yes i am serious he has a desk there and it is revealed that what is in this pod is the gift to humanity from that rogue predator at the beginning to defend against the coming predator invasion of earth again i have to say this actually happens in the movie this is a real thing for some reason the moment our protagonist arrives in science place the pod goes crazy and begins to send a message the message describes the title of the device it is the predator killer the pod opens and it's a piece of technology that attaches itself to the closest guy in the room forming a complete iron man predator suit around him this thing is complete with massive shoulder cannons triple simultaneous targeting and a red and black silver color scheme this thing is the saddest original predator character i have ever seen please do not steal and the film ends with our hero saying that that suit that suit is for him cut to credits holy [ __ ] what a [ __ ] nightmare for cinema fans and predator fans alike for a guy who starred in the original film you clearly have no [ __ ] idea what you're doing there mr black let's go over it shall we the film just falls flat on its face over and over again to generate a narrative incredible good luck and bad luck all over the place in both the good guys and bad guys of the film the predator just doesn't have restraints anymore the dog vomited a handy grenade the retcon found a doodle of the location the girl happened to jump on top of the bus that has our main heroes in it the girl also happened to shoot herself in the [ __ ] foot the dog brought an alien grenade this time to save the [ __ ] i still can't believe that [ __ ] dude logic has been made the enemy once again and making a movie where smart people battle a smart monster is a distant [ __ ] memory the callbacks to the original felt forced more and more as time went on the awful [ __ ] jokes just littering themselves about the script not only making the audience pause and question whether or not we're supposed to laugh but actively fighting any tension you could possibly generate from this wannabe horror movie there's another level of menace of terror the predator can take the upgrade is going to scare the mess out of people it's just bigger and better and better this is the scariest one no it's [ __ ] not you liars this is a horror movie as much as it's a romantic [ __ ] comedy and that's not to comment on the dreadful [ __ ] dialogue it's like watching someone write out a script and then randomly remove or switch lines with other ones this is alongside characters just having information for no other reason than pushing the plot and as a result these people are barely human they are just line dispensers that are waiting to be killed using actual disorders as a punch line because what the [ __ ] else you gonna do right combine that with the random science comments to try and support this narrative is it's just so utterly misplaced which leads me to the absolute defanging of the predator that pathetic little [ __ ] is knocked out in the beginning kills a handful of humans that have no idea how to use a rifle and then its head is smashed in after letting out a pathetic squeal from being terrified by the new cool movie monster do you guys remember this [ __ ] well this is what it's like now do you remember how the people with the terminator ip couldn't just use the terminators they had to generate the super awesome new cgi thing that was the best terminator ever and then over to the alien ip you had to generate new tank aliens or new albino aliens because the normal ones just aren't good enough anymore remember over in the jurassic park ip we have all of these awesome dinosaurs but instead we have to genetically generate a [ __ ] monster instead what is with that obsession you can't use the original movie monster and make it scary can you you have to genetically generate something bigger and better it's the same for terminator jurassic park alien and [ __ ] predator how does it feel to have lived long enough to see all of your favorite franchises go down in flames feels great the wonders of cgi provide us with something better so we can just humiliate the relics of cinema and slap its face to pieces while having it squeal the [ __ ] avp movies had more respect for this ip speaking of which what the [ __ ] did you do to this ip you absolute [ __ ] idiots if we simply start with your own ideas on continuity you brought in the retcon for the sole purpose of chasing down the traitor predator and retrieving the technology that was dropped technology that is supposed to help humans fight off predators during their coming invasion only the retcon had no idea where the small predator went until the kid activated the tech how did he not see earth through the [ __ ] rift in the beginning how would he not figure it out with the obvious process of elimination i guess predators are planning on invading a [ __ ] ton of planets and the retcon got confused and yet this stupid [ __ ] just leaves corpses and tech in every environment it visits they have lost any attention to protecting their gear which is a [ __ ] staple of the predator films and what is the idea that predator jesus delivered the pod to protect humanity from predators only to then horrifically murder scores of humans and head to the ship seems extremely hypocritical to me it's not even like remotely explored as a massive contradiction but it's nowhere near as bad as dropping the full-on special effects glory of the predator in favor of the cgi mess whose only goal is to apparently weaponize autism it's only there to be a shocking monster it has no intelligence or cunning which is a huge part of what makes predators so [ __ ] interesting in the first place but let's consider your ending what the [ __ ] is the point of a super suit that is meant to protect humans from a predator invasion when the whole reason the predators plan to invade is that earth will be scorched and no humans will survive it what the [ __ ] is the suit for but then let's shift focus what have you done to the franchise as a whole you took the tribal space glory killing hunter alien badass that preys on strong specimens to prove its dominance throughout the galaxy and turned it into a species that runs around the universe collecting spines to extract spinal fluid to combine with their own dna to evolve and eventually invade earth because it's nice and hot there do you know what you've done you've explained a completely different backstory for a creature that already had one you accidentally [ __ ] up all of the other movies that preceded it you have recontextualized classic scenes to mean something completely different you have reframed whole movies to have a completely different premise you even tried to [ __ ] up the avp films they do not need your help for that why is it that whenever a [ __ ] classic franchise is added to it comes across as the people who are writing it [ __ ] hate it you have not only confirmed that predators do [ __ ] for completely different reasons than what has been established in the other five movies you have also confirmed that the predators value as burglary is a better trait than anything across the planet because it allows you to access and understand alien technology that they invented i know people with asperger's syndrome who are not only going to be insulted by this horse [ __ ] but they will laugh it right out of the [ __ ] cinema the predator as a franchise is such a [ __ ] joke the first movie is incredible in terms of a piece of filmmaking and we have nothing that comes close to getting there despite five movies later the predator is now a party trick everything down to the [ __ ] raw is played out to hopefully get those [ __ ] tickets bought and paid for just look at the trailers for christ's sake the ultimate predator [Music] i have had to keep reassuring you throughout this video that this actually happens in the film because it is utter [ __ ] bat [ __ ] insane that anyone would make these choices the world building for predator is [ __ ] they are an alien race that hunts for aspergers across the galaxy in the hopes that one day they can settle down on earth once it's burnt to a crisp the plot is actually sad the scenes are edited together by a schizophrenic five-year-old who can't decide what movie he's actually watching the characters are a series of low-brow jokes that have been turned into people the acting in the one-liners genuinely made me wince in the cinema the improv was very clearly out of control and broken in terms of a sense of timing with confusing dialogue being strung together in an order that actually makes it seem as though it was edited out of place by design even though they're trying to convince us that there's actual progression taking place which results in this bungled [ __ ] tone the film has no idea what it wants you to feel about any of this people die people joke people run people laugh and cry all within the span of seconds every scene if you're actually able to pay attention for that long before another scene is shoved in your face along with a [ __ ] ton of dick jokes there is so much more bad to this movie that i haven't covered i just hope i fit in the biggest things because this film was a pile of ugly [ __ ] shane black is actually touted as being a director of quality that makes incredible films please stop saying this i beg you he makes violent buddy comedies that's it his humor is [ __ ] killing movies because it just doesn't belong in them it's so awful hey baxley if your mom's vagina were a video game it'd be rated e for everyone it's not a predator that's a sports hunter well we took a vote predator's cooler right [ __ ] yeah which means the humans are [ __ ] yes that was in one of the trailers for a predator film for [ __ ] sake shane black knows how to generate a black comedy sometimes because his entire thing is being inappropriate i think he took his character way too seriously in the original film and [ __ ] became him in real life people let him believe he struck gold so he used this method of filmmaking and everything he has ever provided iron man is not a black [ __ ] comedy he turned what was one of the most serious pieces of character progression tony could ever experience into a [ __ ] joke laughing at his ptsd again and again until the audience came to realize it wasn't that serious at all thank christ civil war fixed that [ __ ] and then for some [ __ ] reason he took a horror film based on a hunter alien and applied the exact same [ __ ] black comedy tone to it fitting about as well as it did for iron man this is probably why he was first to die in the original so he couldn't possibly [ __ ] it up it's not a predator that's a sports hunter well we took a vote predator's cooler oh it's not really a predator but we voted and predator sounds the coolest they don't [ __ ] my cat kills things that it doesn't eat it's still a predator please realize that genre and tone are important when writing you fool it's like he can't [ __ ] deal with a scene unless there is a dick or [ __ ] joke in it but i wish that was the only problem some people are saying that this film is so bad that it's only gonna work for predator fans what the [ __ ] are you talking about predator fans are the one demographic that will absolutely despise this [ __ ] movie but if you are someone who's looking for a chance to laugh with some crude jokes or laugh at just how [ __ ] incompetently you can make a movie i suppose i can recommend this but do not leave your brain switched on that goes for everyone i mean what is the conclusion that we're to make about predators when they actually bring back these [ __ ] specimens to their planet oh hey i have the spine of some guy i killed we can splice it with our own dna and upgrade why would we splice with something that we're far more advanced than in every way shape and form especially when you manage to kill it in one-on-one combat written by shane black predator is not a movie about a space version of freddy or jason or michael [ __ ] myers with a dash of comedy predator is about a strong smart high-tech tribal warrior that wants to rip out your [ __ ] spine and show it to you because it is the best hunter in the universe and it's going to prove it to you and you somehow turn that incredibly badass concept into a [ __ ] incompetent joke that is honestly impressive you created the last jedi of the predator franchise be proud unfortunately for you though your movie doesn't have a [ __ ] theme so people won't be defending it down the [ __ ] it goes i swear to christ this better not get a sequel thank you all for watching folks if you want to see some more movie rants you can find them on my channel for those who are desperate for my tfa critique it is on the way i recently finished the script and it clocked in at 155 927 words which means this thing will be huge and i simply need more time to edit that monster but it's on the way thanks for watching folks and i'll see you next time a love letter as best we can to the original and i felt like a mid-life crisis coming off a bunch of slack-jawed [ __ ] around here this stuff will make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus just like me

Channel: MauLer

Views: 1,282,093

Rating: 4.913013 out of 5

Keywords: Rant, Rage, spoilers, discussion, movies, films, review, Angry, lore, Death, terrible, worst, awful, The, script, predator, the, avp, aliens, vs, predators, fox, entertainment, assessment, bad

Id: CJhq450Fjl4

Length: 57min 0sec (3420 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 19 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/UltraMegaKaiju]

This video was so good, I laughed so many times

[u/Unabridgedtaco]

Hilarious and way better than the movie. “Somebody actually wrote that”