Oh, bloody hell. We begin with the title crawl. "Luke Skywalker has vanished." Not a great start since he's about 50% of the reason I was watching this film, but there we are! "In his absence, the sinister First Order has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker, The Last Jedi, has been destroyed." I'm sorry, WHAT?! What do you mean, "Luke is The Last Jedi?" He didn't train anyone? He just gave up on the whole thing? And what's this "First Order?" How did they rise, exactly? What the fuck have the good guys been doing for the past 30 years? Oh no. Please tell me you explain some of this. At least SOME of this. "With the support of the Republic, Leia Organa leads a brave resistance." WHAT?! Why would the Resistance and the Republic be two separate factions? One is supported by the other? So why aren't they just teaming up? What the hell's going on? Did they form as a result of the First Order? Or did they exist before then? And if so, why? Why did-- [stammers] Okay. How did they allow the First Order to rise when the good guys had the power? "She is desparate to find Luke and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to the galaxy." WHAT?! What happened to the peace and justice we already had? I know this is 30 years on, but what the hell? We have a full reset? Really? "Leia has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to Jakku, where and old ally has discovered a clue to Luke's whereabouts." [sigh], Okay. Why has the achievement of the Original Trilogy already been torn to shreds in 3 paragraphs? Why is there no mention of Lando Calrissian or fucking Han Solo? What about the people we knew, and the systems they would have put in place? There's a lot of that we would appreciate being explained here, but I guess that's just too much to ask at this point. I mean, the whole topic is really interesting, and I look forward to some developing it, maybe in some future movies, y'know? I can't wait to get more on that. We then see a Star Destroyer encroaching upon its target. MMMMMM There's a cut to a series of Stormtroopers preparing for a dropoff and... fucking hell. Is there a rave in this ship? We then see a football being alerted to the descending Stormtroopers and this is their ONLY warning system. Really? Did nobody get alerted by the Star Destroyer floating just above your planet? Is the notice of whether there is incoming based solely on a basketball? So, Max von Sydow (what a name, by the way) gives a guy a thing and says "This will begin to make things right." Only to be interrupted by the bowling ball telling our heroes that They are here! Instead of leaving immediately, Poe decides to watch the incoming threat and then discuss it with Max before thinking he MIGHT want to get to his X-wing. Unfortunately for him, his ship is shot down in 1 or 2 blasts, actually. It's like, grounded. Alright then! The whole village is then burned down and our hero puts the Luke-Skywalker-Map-Thing into the dodgeball for safekeeping. MMMMMM Why does sports ball have an ashtray?! It runs off to escape and Poe stays behind to snipe off a couple of Stormtroopers? Why-- why? You-- they're not even looking your way. Why not just run dude? You haven't been found yet. You don't have to go in the same direction as the beach ball, but you could just run in general. It's better than being captured and tortured by your sworn enemies, for fuck's sake. We then see a Stormtrooper is mourning the death of his comrade and there is a sequence that is reminiscent of war movies here. He is struggling to make sense of all of this, and... Wow. Troopers aren't mindless drones anymore. They're actual characters, capable of decisions now. This sounds really interesting. I can't wait to get more on that. We then witness an all black ominous leader come out to provide others orders. MMMMMM He talks to Max about how he did not rise from The Gay™ and that nce upon a time, he was a perfect girl scout. He then kills him. Which, WHY? He's the one with the definitive information about the map Why didn't you torture the information out of him? Why the fuck would you just kill him without any leads? Max could have told you which guy has the map. It's not like someone else is gonna conveniently turn up who happens to have the information you need -- OH, okay then. Kylo decides to capture Poe for torturing later, instead of torturing him quickly right here. Like, seriously, torturing takes a minute or so, and he decides to do it way later, despite the fact that Kylo knows the map is in this area. If you just tortured him now, you'd probably be able to get it. Wh-Why-- Why you be stupid? Brienne of Tarth then pops up. "We relate to her due to her actions and her character" She's sporting a pretty badass chrome suit and she's told to kill all of the villagers in the area. She seems really interesting I can't wait to get more on that Then Finn, the wayward Stormtrooper, has a fucking panic attack. I don't get it. What--what ARE Stormtroopers, exactly? Because this seems pretty major in terms of a breach. Like, do all of them react to shit this way? Because, they have a system in place in case they do, right? This should be a major red flag. But I guess nobody's seen it, so he really should be okay unless someone was to say, teleport into the scene-- OH, fuck. Well, Phasma says to submit his blaster for inspection But again, shouldn't this be a major breach? Your trooper is hyperventilating! He is having a panic attack, for fuck's sake. He is clearly free thinking and far from subservient This isn't just because of a malfunctioning blaster, it's pretty clear. I don't know, if I was her, I would be potentially be locking this one in some kind of medical facility, and keeping an eye on him, and figuring out why he's broken in case he gets up to some-- AH, fuck. We then see some lonely desert-planet-inhabiting young person who's doing their day-to-day MMMMMM She's salvaging parts from a downed Star Destroyer, she sells some junk, and pretends to be a part of a better film Then her spidey-sense tingles and she meets up with the volleyball we saw earlier. MMMMMM Wait, was her house all the way over there? I mean, how did she hear the cricket ball? I-- ALRIGHT! We cut back to our hero with the First Order, who is referred to as the best pilot of the Resistance. (apparently not to clever though) And so we are witness to a brand new force power. Force... torture. I guess. Picture it as squeezing a person's skull for information, I suppose. No idea. Kylo then finds out the lacrosse ball is on Jakku, which... yeah, it would have to be on Jakku. If only they had searched just outside the camp they destroyed or maybe tortured someone with information at that very moment. Or, y'know, used a scanner for a wayward piece of metal in the middle of the desert that was moving, for fuck's sake. Rey then says she's been waiting for her family, which is character, I suppose, but at least the film is setting up that there will be a potentially interesting reveal there. I can't wait to get more on that. Rey is offered a whole bunch of food for the netball and jumps at the opprtunity but decides against it. So the uhm... that thing send his goons after her. We then cut to Finn rescuing Poe, which, FUCKING HELL, I told you to keep an eye on this one. He's clearly not functioning properly. Also, wouldn't there be safeguards for breaking out the most valuable prisoner they have, or will ever have? No confirmation needed from a higher up? Besides, why did Kylo leave? He doesn't go to the planet, he just chills on the ship anyway. Not to mention, only ONE guard on the greatest pilot in the resistance? Really? Hope this guy doesn't escape and end up destroying anything import-- OOOOOHHHHH So Poe and Finn decide to break out together. How the fuck does nobody recognize a random Stormtrooper shuffling the greatest pilot in the resistance to a random TIE fighter? Dah, whatever. So they attempt to attempt to lift off and didn't unhook the fighter from... what is this, a fuel line? A safety cord? Why didn't Finn or Poe know about this beforehand? Are we trying to generate drama there, film? The First Order is then alerted to this commotion and orders everybody to shoot the fighter down, but unlike Poe's ship from earlier, this ship is able to swallow loads of shots without incident. LUCKY! But I suppose the most interesting thing is Finn just begins slaughtering several of his fellow soldiers when he reacted quite roughly to the sight of death only 3 minutes ago Seems like he got over that pretty quickly. OR he's just harnessing his hatred, y'know? He despises the men who were conscripted just like he was. Anyway, after pulling away several times, Poe says "I can fix this", and ultimately does by driving forward? Dr-Driving forward before didn't work, but--but driving forward... Poe then instructs Finn on how to destroy the upcoming cannons, since if they don't destroy them first, the cannons will blow them up. Poe literally says "We gotta take out as many of these cannons as we can, or we're not gonna get very far!" MMM-HMMMMMM!! Captain Phasma then mentions that this was Finn's first offense and that he has shown no signs of non-conformity prior to this. Which is interesting since if this was his first mission, then why would you have not have kept a supervisor on him? Like, wouldn't this be standard procedure? Uh, wouldn't this be his provisional battle? Actually, why is this his first mission? Shouldn't he have been a tad experienced by now considering his age? The First Order can't have been active for more than about 20 years, at most, and he was taken as a child, meaning he is probably one of the eldest troopers in the army right now. Or at least the new army. And considering that this isn't a special case, do they not have expectation for this sort of thing? You guys gonna hire a First Order therapist, maybe? I don't know, this all seems a little dependent on not having any kind of precaution in place for a wayward Stormtrooper, which is now established as a thing they may have to deal with. The ship is shot down, and Finn wakes up from the crash, completely fine. HOOH! Convenient! Poe, however, is DEAD. He wasn't as lucky. Finn then walks for a while and ends up in Rey's village, which, HOOH, nice bit of luck there, considering this ship fucking crashed randomly into the planet. We then see Baby Tarkin and Kylo develop sexual tension over who is going to find the soccer ball. Finn decides to drink from some slimy watering hole even at the risk of catching The Gay™. And moments after, Rey is attacked by the men that the land whale sent after her. She disposes of them rather quickly, y'know? Because she's Rey and then she meets up with Finn. Now all of our heroes are together! That was... that was convenient. Finn then lies to Rey and says he is a Resistance member and then lets Rey know about the softball containing a map to Luke Skywalker. Shortly after, they are attacked by 2 Stormtroopers because they are clearly running short of them in the First Order. and then there is a bombing run from, uhm... 3 TIE Fighters? In total? Across the whole scene? God, we really are feeling incompetent today, are we, First Order? Has nobody informed Baby Tarkin or Kylo about this? You have the suspects in your sights. This is the key to winning this war Or at least, that's how you feel about it, so why haven't you told anyone? And why have you only sent 3 fighters? Speaking of which, these fighters definitively have the goal of killing Finn and Rey, as shown in the scene Yet they keep shooting just behind these slow, small targets Until shooting WAY ahead of them to prevent them from getting on a transport. But then they don't do that for the other transport. [stammers] Maybe it's because the ship is THE MILLENNIUM FUCKING FALCON I just-- [sigh] holy shit man, everything happens in this one village on Ja--[stammers] Not Tatooine They enter the Falcon and declare that not only has the ship not flown in years, but Rey has never flown it before, which... I-- MMMMMMSBHGYULV SURE! While the both of them are continuously fiddling with their setup, reassuring themselves "I can do this. I can do this" "I can do this. I can do this" The TIE Fighters continue to not shoot them, which is... FINE... We're people in this mov-- this is a good film. It's good, we're still-- it's still a good film! Rey starts telling Finn what to do on a ship she's never been on before and that hasn't flown for years eeh, fuck off. Finn gets his gun jammed into one position, and so Rey pulls off what is probably the best piloting of the Millennium Falcon that we've ever seen. And she doesn't have a co-pilot. She turns off the engine temporarily to perform a 1 in 1,000,000 shot in conjunction with Finn that destroys the last fighter and thus they escape No more fighters No alerts Incredible piloting Solo [clears throat] WHAT THE FUCK?!!! How the hell is Rey so incredibly good at this, is she not just a scavenger? She's a fantastic pilot now too? I thought she's always been on this planet, man. Where the hell has she been flying to to pull off stunts like that?! How did she do that? "How did you do that?!" "I don't know!" YOU DON'T KNOW?! OH, I see, it's the Force, probably. Like, seriously, why have her say that she's flown some ships but never left the planet? You're making this harder to believe. Just like the fact that they're not being chased anymore despite the Star Destroyer being parked right outside. How did you not detect them?! How did you not send more than 2 fuckin' fighters for fuck's sake?! After escaping the fucking First Order for no reason, our heroes happen to bump into HAN FUCKING SOLOOOO!!! Then they start talking about how he can't truly be Han Solo, right? The rebellion general? The Myth? The Legend? The WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Han, Luke, Lando and Leia saved the galaxy 30 years ago. It's not ancient history! How would Finn not have been trained to hate this guy in the First Order as propaganda? How could he possibly not have heard of him? They then ask for his help and he seems completely unfazed as though he is the guy we met back at the beginning of fucking Episode IV He seems to have undone his development from the Original Trilogy Or I guess it was written out between episodes, but we didn't need to see that! Like honestly, why the fuck is Han Solo not a part of the Republic or the Resistance? Why the fuck is Han Solo barely remembered by anyone after only 30 years of saving the entire galaxy? Do you think we're gonna forget WWII even after 200 years? I don't think so. Why the fuck does Han Solo not seem to care about the fate of his family, assuming he even considers them that? Why the fuck does Han Solo no longer care about the fate of the galaxy? Does he give a shit about the First Order? Taking over the world? Does ANYONE fucking care? What the hell's going on?! We then have this utterly bizarre scene where Han Solo is boarded by 2 separate factions at the same time who claim that he has fucked up a smuggling job for both of them despite being paid which leads to a slapstick scene of giant cartoon testicles chasing everyone until our heroes escape. I WISH this was far from the truth, but it isn't. What the hell are the odds that these 2 factions of antagonists would just show up to Han's ship A few minutes after Han showed up to Rey's ship A few minutes after Finn and Rey escape the First Order A few minutes after Finn showed up to Rey's life A few minutes after Rey showed up to the Tennis ball that leads people to LUKE FUCKING SKYWALKER Thanks to being abandoned by Poe, randomly, on the planet, hours ago? HOLY FUCK And that was all in what, 10 minutes?! The word is "convenience" and by gum, we're receiving tons of it. Also we had Han Solo fuck up payments back in the day because he decided to help the cause instead But now he's just old and confused "Hey!" And so now we have Scottish Loan Sharks complete with an army of robots? I don't know-- I And, all of this shit is happening when the First Order should be right outside this is so fucked.... There's a whole bit where Finn is swept up by one of the testicles that that basically instakill everyone else and it refuses to kill him for, like, a solid minute. Plot Armor. Still alive and well. And then he's rescued by Rey because, well, she's Rey We then see Han perform a jump to hyperspace through one of the testicles and part way of the hangar bay doors. He didn't crash into anything. So I guess that sets a rule there, doesn't it? In the next scene we see that the First Order has a PLANET SIZED DEATH STAR?! SERIOUSLY?!! How the FUCK did they have this? Did nobody prevent them from making this? Did nobody get the word out that this thing was being created? What the fuck is the Republic right now?! Do they not know about this shit? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU? Where the hell did you come from, you disgusting, old, scabby, mummified, Palpatine-wannabe fuck?! HOWEVER, I do admit that his character and story could be very, very interesting. I personally can't wait to get more on that. But what follows is another nonsensical scene. Snoke says that Luke Skywalker cannot be allowed to be found and he will bring in a new generation of Jedi. But like... did he not... do that... already... over... the 30 years...? Did he not train fucking anyone? Like, if that's true, why would he train anyone instantly NOW if he hadn't done over the past 30 years? Why did he even leave? Does Gollum know why he left? Baby Tarkin says it's time to destroy the Republic and the reasoning seems to be that they are supporting the Resistance Which... What the fuck? How is the Resistance more of a threat than the Republic? Like, why is it that the threat of the Resistance is the reason for destroying the Republic? Shouldn't it be the threat of the Republic? They mention this shit in the opening crawl, but we haven't seen the Resistance OR the Republic! Why does this film insist that the Resistance is more threatening to the First Order when it's being SUPPORTED BY THE REPUBLIC?! Isn't the Republic supposed to be a larger galaxy policing force that we should be concerned with? Baby Tarkin is convinced that they barely matter. WHERE IS MY WORLD BUILDING?!! We then have the reveal that Kylo Ren's father is Han Solo. In what is such a heavy handed piece of expository dialogue. "The droid we seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon. In the hands of your father. Han. Solo." He may as well have fucking said this; "Ben Solo. The droid is in the hands of your father, Han Solo. Who is aboard Han Solo's Millennium Falcon. The ship your father, Han Solo, owns. Han Solo." OKAY we get it! Also, he said that Kylo is the master of the Knights of Ren. That sounds really interesting. I can't wait to get more on that. Rey then teaches Old Solo something about the Millennium Falcon for the 3rd time which is SUPER FUN to watch. "Hey, where are you going?" "Unkar Plutt installed a fuel pump too. If we don't prime that, we're not going anywhere." [Millennium Falcon failing noises] "What?" "Compressor." "What'd you do?" "I bypassed the compressor!" STOP You ridiculously talented yet boring angelic creature! Your characteristics are as bland as your fucking clothing. They then reveal the map for Old Solo that has hundreds of different points of interest on it. With one of them apparently housing Luke! They even have a dotted line that points to him with the rest of the labels having what I imagine is names, coordinates, or SOMETHING, since I doubt it's gonna be like a temperature gauge. AND YET, without a bigger map to place it in, this thing is apparently worthless. Fucking seriously. None of the planets we see here are in any of the allies' records. Fine Then Old Solo says this; "Ever since Luke disappeared, people have been looking for him." Yes, typically people would only start looking for you once you've disappeared, you geriatric fuck. We get an extremely brief history about Luke and his temple with a wayward apprentice who ruined everything, and I honestly find the idea fascinating overall. Can't wait to get more on that. Old then has to convince our heroes that the Jedi and the Force are actually real and not myths. Like, fucking Rey said earlier about Luke too. Guys, the Jedi were alive and propagating upwards of 10 years ago, stop acting like it's some crazy fiction. Finn would've been a part of the faction that DESPISED Jedi. This should have been propaganda (which they definitely engage in, by the way) about how fucking tyrannical the Republic is and was, as well as how wrong they were in their policies, and how they destroyed the Empire's reign. I mean, for fuck's sake, LUKE IS NOT DEAD, you are actively searching for him. Stop being all stupid and saying shit like; "Oh My GoD, i ThOuGhT iT wAs A mYtH!" We then end up in a cantina, which... DAAAHHHHHH This is on some planet with a person who can help them get a ship that can't be tracked, since apparently the First Order will be scanning for the Falcon, so they're hoping to find a new ship and a smuggler to perform the job... for them....? Ooookay? Also, apparently Old found the Falcon because he scanned for it which doesn't make any fucking sense in terms of "he found it at that very moment. It's just a massive coincidence" so don't even bother, film. However, by saying this, you highlight once again that the First Order should have had them this whole fucking time. We then meet a centuries old, wise, strange-colored small person, who will get our heroes on the right path. MMMMMMMMMM?! There's even a cantina band, for fuck's sake. We then have a droid call the Resistance about the T-Ball and the same is done for the First Order by a girl whose apparently mixed up her eyeliner with her fucking eyebrows Then we see Kylo worshiping the burnt old mask of VADER? Seriously? He has that from all the way back in... I mean... OKAY. Whatever! Fucking hell, film. At the very least, this dynamic is interesting, Vader potentially has an influence on Kylo Can't wait to get more on that! Totally-Not-Yoda then basically says The Gay™ creates factions over time The Sith, the Empire, and now, the First Order. Obviously referencing each of the trilogies. But it was the Sith that started up the Empire, and the Empire ended along with the same Sith. The First Order is exactly any different from the Empire, and Kylo may as well be a Sith. Nobody would know any different, for fuck's sake. Then the Annoying Orange essentially calls Finn a coward who always runs away, and so he decides to run away! But not before explaining that he's a Stormtrooper to Rey, and that all Stormtroopers are taken from their families at a young age and trained to kill, but on his first mission, he made a choice that was to not kill for them, so he ran. WHAT. THE FUCK? You're telling me that the First Order is actively poaching children for indoctrination to their planet assaulting armies and has been doing so for upwards of potentially 20 years while staying under the radar of what are essentially the galactic police? That's just silly. Meanwhile, the new NEW Republic hasn't stopped them or intervened whatsoever. It's just a widely known thing that happens and nobody gives a shit. That's just silly. The Stormtroopers are conditioned and mercilessly forced to understand that murder and conquest are the only objectives and Finn's the ONLY one who chose against it? Why is he special? If he isn't special, then do they not have a system to account for potential defects? I mean, lucky there was this ONE fucking defection the moment we needed the greatest pilot in the Resistance to be saved. THAT'S. JUST. SILLY! And it means that Finn had no idea that this is what the First Order gets up to when they're on their missions. Otherwise, how could this have been such a fucking shock to him, and thus cause a loss of faith in the organization he's been a part of for potentially 20 years? That's just fucking silly! You're telling me that this guy has been hard boiled and trained to do nothing but kill since he stepped foot into the First Order's war machine and yet he's ended up a fumbling, bumbling, comedic jackass? Yeah, fuck off, there goes my suspension of disbelief. Rey then finds some bad juju and goes on one of the most vivid mushroom trips I've ever seen. Though, seriously, it looks interesting. We got Luke, R2, Yoda sounds, Vader breath, old and young Obi-Wan snippets, stark differences in the landscapes and the Knights of Ren Can't wait to get more on all of that. Yep, we're gonna get answers for all of this. Oh, did I gloss over the fact that this all happened as a result of Rey touching Luke Skywalker's lightsaber from when it was lost in Episode V? Yeah, that just so happened to be in the fucking cantina that Han just so happened to take Rey to after he just so happened to m-- you get the point. It is good, however, that Not-Yoda is going to explain all of this to us. "Where'd you get that?" "A good question. For another time." Fuck you! Orange face says the lightsaber called to Rey. Since fucking when do lightsabers do that? Weren't they just swords that glow, for fuck's sake? They don't speak to people! She then explains to Rey that she needs to stop fucking around and wanting to go home and finding her parents. Nobody gives a shit, and she needs to find Luke, as he will fill that gap for her, apparently. Which... I mean, Orange-Aid, you HAVE seen the next movie, right? You're fucking lying. But then Rey says she wants nothing to do with this, and immediately sprints off into the forest? Where the fuck are you going, you dumbass? It's not like Chewie is gonna leave without Old if you get to the Falcon. Where the fuck are you going? We then get probably get the most ridiculous scene in the whole fucking film. Baby Tarkin gives a Nazi-like speech over the MASSIVE First Order army that is stationed on what is now the fully operational death planet. Which is really fucking interesting for this fledgling fucking faction. He warbles on about how the First Order is going to wipe out the Republic and the army actually gives a goddamn salute. As if the visual wasn't quite enough to grasp in terms of the blatant comparison. "NAZI!!" And so begins the actual destruction of the new NEW Republic. Wait, what the fuck, REALLY?! This thing can destroy 5 planets AT ONCE?! The Republic's entire fleet, operation and presence were in these 5 planets in total, that sat right fucking next to each other. Fuck you. How in the hell does any of this work? Isn't the entire galaxy going to revolt against this fucking monstrosity? There is no small build-up of power from an already ultimate authority where the galaxy can't fight back due to policy and fear. These fuckers were covert, and they just pop up one day because for some reason nobody fucking found them previously to this and they activate a planet that can wipe out a solar system in one shot? The universe would be outraged by this. They have painted a target on their back with this weapon, and it's going to be assaulted with all of the pow-- Well that doesn't actually matter, 'cuz it's gone by the end of the film anyway. Wait, hang on! They can see the beam going across the sky? The Republic planets were THAT fucking close to them? Then why the fuck wouldn't they have gone straight to the Republic, instead of this Mos Eisley knock-off? Wasn't that the whole point of coming here? Getting the baseball to Leia? Who would be better than the fucking Republic to get it to Leia? The Republic support the Resistance, right? Fucking hell, Old Solo, you're not just senile, you're a fucking tool. I mean, fuck! If he had flown to the Republic planets, all the main characters would be dead by now ...and we wouldn't have to watch this trilogy... Finn then says; "It was the First Order. They've done it." Implying that he knew the First Order had this weapon, which, when you find out that he worked on the base later, he legitimately failed to mention to fucking anyone that the First Order was about to blow up the entire Republic forces, despite the fact that our heroes were all aligned with them. He just says it NOW, in case anyone didn't fucking realize who it was! What the fuck, film? Immediately after that, the First Order invade the cantina planet because I guess they scanned for the fucking Falcon like Han said, though it is interesting that Han just doesn't seem to really care that they would eventually be found, and as a result, destroy this long-time friend and advisor's business establishment Kind of a completely incompetent move, while also being a selfish asshole, but I guess that's in line with Old Solo now. Then Orange Soda gives the lightsaber to Finn for no reason, and Chewie is just in the scene. They don't establish that... at all. He was in the Falcon, doing repairs, according to Han, and now he's just here, with everyone else. I guess 'cuz we're about to have an action scene, I don't fucking know, leave me alone. Rey then kills a Stormtrooper with a pistol despite never using it before and being against someone who actually got the first shot, is heavily trained, and has a rifle. I mean, this is just because she's Rey-- Oh look, there's another one! And another one! Old pops out of the basement of the cantina, and FUCK ME, they have OBLITERATED the cantina! It's all rubble! What the hell is Orange fuck gonna do about all of this? This place was apparently standing for over 1,000 years, and she doesn't actually seem to give a shit that it's been destroyed. What the fuck, woman? I would be FUMING about this shit! Old Solo didn't even need to come here. He could've gone to the Republic. How will she recover from this? If she didn't hate Old already, she should now. Jesus. I just hope she doesn't pop up in the sequel film, miraculously, and seemingly fine, without a single repercussion. That would be fucking lame, wouldn't it? We then see Old pull off this shot, for some reason. Like, why the fuck would a confused, elderly man do a 180 no-scope? Not even the GOOD Han Solo would be doing that shit. He's still a human, he has to aim the fucking blaster, for fuck's sake. So then Finn bumps into a random Stormtrooper who just happens to be carrying a blaster rifle, A SHIELD and a fucking cattle prod, that activates to be lightsaber immune in a world where Jedi are apparently a myth. What the fuck is happening? Fuck you, you shouldn't exist. Fuckin' shield... Kylo then catches up to Rey and decides to kidnap her because she's SEEN the map, the map that is useless without a bigger piece, the map that she wouldn't have even understood because she's never left Not-Tatooine, and she saw a single, weird angle, and I'm sorry, what the fuck are you doing, Kylo? The droid with the ACTUAL FUCKING MAP is currently on this planet, and your men have nearly got the stranglehold. Instead of getting reinforcements, you're running away in hopes that you can read the blurry memories of someone who can't even read an already broken map. Do you remember that Gollum said that they must not allow the resistance to get the map? If you leave now, they will almost certainly get it. What the fuck are you doing? Have you guys noticed that he's doing it AGAIN? Not immediately torturing Rey, for the location of the droid, instead Kylo insists on people making the arduous journey to his fucking ship before pressing them for information Also, film, the entire reason you had Rey run into the woods is and head nowhere was so that Kylo could capture her? That is the only reason that happened, right? Seriously, fuck you. The good guys destroy every TIE Fighter, but conveniently leave Kylo and his ship alone, because otherwise, he might have been shot down, and we can't have that. We then see Leia for the first time in ages. She and Old obviously have some sort of, divorce or breakup to get over and now it's just really awkward Not what I was gunning for at the prospect of seeing these characters return, but fuck it, I guess, beggars can't be choosers. We then see Poe is fine and dandy, which... Dah, WHY? He says he fell from the crash, and woke up at night, and just ended up back with the Resistance. I'm sorry, he practically sacrificed his own life to get to the Hockey... ball... when he could have left. He made it clear that everything depended on it, and he just... didn't give a shit, when he woke up in Not-Tatooine? Rather than frantically looking for it? Didn't the First Order continue to look for him? Or did they just give up? With how they portrayed Poe, he should have been DESPERATE to search for the ball. It's almost like they originally planned to have Poe die, and then change their minds, only to fucking resurrect him with a hokey story about napping in the sand. How did he even survive? The guy went from being in the desert at night, hoisted onto a torture platform, to crash landing in a desert and lying in the sand until nightfall only to somehow escape? Didn't Finn almost DIE from the lack of water after like, a half hour? ah, fuck it Finn teams up with Leia and the Resistance, with C-3PO explaining that the map they have doesn't match anything in their records. Yeah, sure, the sheer massive number of labeled planets, and none of it's in your records, fine. C-3PO then says that it's very unlikely that R2-D2 would have the rest of the map in his backup data, which... why would you assume he might have that anyway? How the fuck does this map thing even WORK? Where did it come from? Who set up a big piece and a small piece? Was it Luke? Wouldn't everyone just have a copy-and-pasted map of the galaxy at this point, since it was done all the way back in the prequels, for fuck's sake? How wouldn't have this information been spread and stored for everyone? How does ANY of this work? Leia then says that Old has to go and convince Kylo to leave The Gay™. Kylo reveals to Rey that he's actually a 12-year-old boy and places his mask in an... ashtray? What the fuck? He gives her some therapy and says that Old Solo is a father figure to her? Fuckin' hell, woman, you've spoken to him for like, 2 scenes. Kylo says he just needs to get the map from Rey and put it into the Empire hard data to complete it, but how the fuck do you translate a weak memory of a confusing, alien map, to a hard copy that can integrate with another system onboard the ship? Fucking what? Anyway, Rey manages to out-force-torture Kylo Ren because... she's Rey. It's one of her thousand incredible abilities that she learned from nowhere, so that's fun. Next, Gollum is very upset that the... ...juggling ball...? is now in the hands of the Resistance, as this means that they can get to Luke. Which raises the question again of; What the fuck was Kylo thinking at the time of leaving the cantina world? And apparently the Resistance base has now been found, so they're gonna blast it out of space, with the Death Planet. This will raise the stakes, of course, but how did they find the base? Did they show any of that? I-- They-- maybe they tracked the Millennium Falcon, in which case, Old Solo really doesn't learn his lesson from basically just getting every planet he visits destroyed. Rey then uses a Jedi Mind Trick because she knows that exists, and how to use it effectively, despite thinking that the Jedi are a myth 5 seconds ago. We then have what is quite a joke of a scene where they basically say; "We have to blow up the thing before the thing blows us up and we can do it by blowing up another thing." MMMMMM Han, Finn and Chewie use hyperspace to get past the planet's shields which kinda sets a rule about hyperspace that certain other directors will probably forget. We then cut back to Captain fuckin' Phasma, who's decided to finally show up as though she had some bearing on this film. Finn just decided he wanted to kidnap her and there she was! He wants her to lower the shields and apparently the control room is just right there, and on top of that, she actually does it, despite being held at gunpoint, which is literally irrelevant to her, and then she leaves the film down a garbage chute "HeR aCtIoNs" How the fuck could Phasma even lower the shields without the First Order realizing? We're talking about the shield for the planet being lowered, and the planet control room doesn't get any kind of notification? Really? Can they even put it back on? Not to mention, why is Phasma so happy to oblige to them about the shields? Why isn't she a "First Order or Die" kind of character? The Resistance then sends out 12 fighters to take out this thing. TWELVE. Where the fuck is your fleet? When the hell is the First Order a new power that you have finally decided to acknowledge & attack, only to have 12 fuckin' fighters in your fleet? Why aren't you sending bomber class ships for this? You are literally catching them off guard by design. If you have some kind of large, bomb-dropping ship that could help us out here, maybe you should use i- OHH, right, yeah Finn and Old then realize Rey broke herself out of prison because, she's Rey, and meet up with her. The Resistance's... uh.. communications Bigfoot thing then comments on how they've already lost half their fleet, which... Jesus Christ mate, what a fleet, that it was erased in a handful of seconds. Lucky the stakes are raised this high for no other reason than the writers just saying "NYEH, they only have 12 ships, I guess" Rey then opens the door on the Starkiller Base for Chewie and Old because she's Rey, and Rey knows how to do all of that. Then Old asks Kylo to stop fuckin' around with The Gay™, but he says "nah", and puts Old out of his misery, which... MMMMMM Also, why the fuck is there this utterly bizarre skybox for our heroes to watch the theatrics from? Kind of ridiculous and convenient Chewie shoots Kylo, and despite the destructive power we've been shown with the caster, it seems to only hurt Kylo, as opposed to blowing him the fuck out. I guess the Force protected him, or something. Kylo then threatens Rey and Finn, Finn fights him and gets fucked. This wound looks pretty harsh, it might have an adverse effect on his character. Maybe he'll feel regret in defending Rey, and costing himself his ability to walk, or function. Maybe life for him is really gonna change now. Really interesting stuff, I can't wait to get more on that. Rey then fights Kylo and, she wins, I GUESS, she's losing, but then she closes her fucking eyes and telepathically reminds the writers that she's Rey. Losing is not an option, and so she makes about just fine. But before she can kill Kylo, God himself breaks up the fight by tearing a giant rift between them. If only I was FUCKING joking here. Obviously Finn and the Millennium Falcon happen to be on Rey's side of the split too, naturally. Yeah, lucky Chewie knew exactly where she was otherwise she'd be fucking dead right now. The explosions from the bombs set by Chewie and Han made a hole in the Death Planet, and the Resistance finally get to make their attack run through trenches. MMMMMM One of the fighters is then destroyed by one of the turbo lasers Yeah Fuck you, it destroys them. Then Poe fucks the whole Death Planet up and we win! Feels a little familiar there. Everyone comes back to base and Leia walks right past Chewie to hug Rey in relation to the death of Old Solo, which... Doh, fuck you film. I know you want Rey to be the protagonist, but Leia doesn't even know her She doesn't even know the connection that Old had to her, is this some kind of Force power thing? They connected in their grief over the fucking Wi-Fi? AT LEAST they show Chewie grieving, which is more than other films sometime do. And then, to the surprise of C-3PO, and the Jorkyball Y-yeah, Jorkyball is actually a thing The film feels it is dangerously out of plot, so R2-D2 wakes up and provides the remainder of the map for Luke Skywalker. What the fuck? Why the hell was that triggered? Is it because Rey is in the base? Did Luke program R2 to wake up the moment a Force user arrives? Or was it once the Death Planet was destroyed? What the fuck is happening? Is this seriously because they couldn't be fucked to come up with a reason to find Luke? So the map is complete, as they say, and it is now enough to find Luke, I guess. This is so fucking confusing. Rey then says goodbye to Finn & everyone while her and Chewie go to find Luke, and I'm sorry, WHAT?! Why is she going? Why is she the one that's going to find Luke? Wasn't Poe the one who was looking for him? Wouldn't Leia want to go look for him? Why is the girl nobody knows anything about going to go see the guy she's never met who will apparently save the Resistance? Eh, whatever... Oh, and C-3PO has a golden arm now, and then there's a red dude near him. I guess that's where he got the red one from. You're gonna have to write your fanfiction for that one. Rey arrives on the Island planet thing, and Luke's just standing there, all stoic and spooky. Why was he standing there? Why is he on this planet at all? Why is he seemingly distressed? Well, that'll be for the sequel! And it honestly sounds interesting! CAN'T WAIT TO GET MORE ON THAT And that's Force Awakens. What a hot, fucking mess. This is easily one of the greatest examples of how to have every last detail in your film function entirely from coincidence. Everything seems to happen as though there's only about 10 people in the fucking universe and they all happen to bump into each other by accident. Everyone meets each other, they all achieve their goals and find rare items as if some god is making all of it happen. OH RIGHT, that would be the Force, which is being stretched as far as possible to try and act as the ultimate plot convenience for the story. OR for a particular CHARACTER, which come the fuck on, what is this creature? She is WAY too fucking good at everything! Is there even a scene where she has to face some form of permanent failure? I mean, FUCK If she hadn't been caught, and suffered for what was a second, Finn wouldn't have gone to the base, and thus we may not have blown up the stupid Death Planet. Meaning her getting caught leads to the destruction of the greatest weapon in the universe. We can't let her fail in any way, can we film? And to be perfectly fair, I don't get her as a character. She's not invested in anything for any good reason, she's just along for the ride with a golden presence and kindness that every character gets to support her for. We got Finn, who is simply a walking contradiction, he has a harrowing history yet seems to retain nothing of it in actuality. He's so happy and well adjusted, the bumbling, comic relief best friend who comes straight out of a sitcom, for fuck's sake. How is this guy a 20-year trained killer? They beefed up the Stormtroopers when they introduced him, but FUCK, they let that shit go right back to being fodder for the rest of the film, we only BAITED nuance, we don't actually get to do real nuance. Poe is in the film, and maybe we managed to experience something I suppose we could call character in his 5 minutes of dialogue, and despite that, he also happened to be the guy who blew up the fucking Death Planet in the climax. Be nice if we knew much, at all, about him, but... meh... Han is old and confused in the film, he decided to abandon his lover, his son, and the Republic after he became an incompetent smuggler being subject to 2 senior moments. "What was the second time?" The second one was when you had that dumbass look on your face because some random junker fixed your fucking ship for you despite having never been on it previously to that day. Would have been nice to have reasons for all of this, maybe a bit of fucking backstory for one of the all time favorite characters from Star Wars being reduced to a geriatric, but FUCK IT Leia was in the film, though she had about equal effect on my investment as Baby Tarkin or Chrome Dome over here. "HeR cHaRaCtEr" R2-fuckin'-D2 just chilling out in sleep mode for no reason and then wakes up when the film runs out of plot. So fucking dumb. The First Order are actually inept, and beyond the opening scene, they are about as intimidating as a sack of fucking jelly. Let's not forget that Kylo is suitable at the head of the snake, being the perfect role model for his mindless crew, being outperformed by a complete random, and consistently crying that he doesn't get his way. God, it's telling that I think BB-8 is very much the best acted and executed character in the fucking movie. They land, break in, find Phasma, drop the shields, find Rey, and then find the oscillator and destroy it in what is like, 10 minutes Are all of these massively significant areas located in one fucking building on this fucking base? Dare I even mention the insane amount of work that's been copied-and-pasted from Star Wars? The only difference is that none of the scenes fucking connect with any consistency. Everything is strewn together with coincidence, convenience, and downright outrageous luck. This is an Abrams film, through and through, a huge amount of mystery that's been set up whether or not it makes a lick of sense and you'll be laughing when we attempt to fix the story for him. Because I'm sure Snoke is gonna turn out to be a fuckin' black smoke monster. Easily the biggest insult of this film, however, is the undoing of the Original Trilogy The world we saw them fight for and create is now suffering in ruin. They allowed a horrifying force to pillage the world while each of them were torn down by their own character flaws that we'll never fucking understand or see. Thank you SO MUCH for digging up these fossils and placing them in this film, just to make sure we understand that the old heroes suck, and the new ones are way better. FUCK YOU Well, at least Episode 8 is going to fix all of this, guys. It'll answer all of our questions, as well as take great care of the characters I can't wait Did you guys hear? Rian Johnson didn't keep anything from the original draft JJ provided him for Episode 8. I guess that explains why the movie was so fucking awful.
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MauLer is outstanding! He has brilliant delivery, and I think I could listen to him tell me about the tax laws and still enjoy hearing his voice.
Still waiting for his critique of TFA part 3/6.
MauLer is an excellent reviewer.
Most of the things people complain about when it comes to him, he fully addressed and people won't listen.
For years I felt like I was alone screaming into the void that TFA was a god awful movie that did terrible things to Star Wars. I’m glad more people are realizing this nowadays after TLJ and Solo but TFA became hugely successful despite it being a terrible Star Wars story and just an awful movie in general. Only TLJ is slightly worse in my opinion but TFA is still awful. I know even on this sub a lot of people enjoy it but in my view, people celebrating it just told Disney that they can give us a copy pasted memberberry nostalgia wank fest with a nonfunctional story that makes no sense and people will still lap it up
Long man good.
TFA suffers the same problem that a lot of sequels to old franchises has. They kick the can of heavy lifting down the road to the next film instead of properly telling a new story. They simply start a new story but not one they are telling.
Look at the Terminator franchise for example. Terminator 3 is just doing what the other films have done, leaving the "new" story set up to whoever does the next film. It's the equivalent to TFA.
What utterly killed the sequels was TLJ. It was not a film interested in telling a new story at all. In fact, it wasn't even interested in telling a story. It was just about having a take on Star Wars contained within the film. Where as TFA was part of the larger story, but staying too vague to establish much. TLJ only looked at the elements of the story it had to play with and never looked back or forward in the story. Just played around and then put things roughly back where they were.
The reason this killed Star Wars is because it cemented to complete lack of story and vision for the sequels. It wasn't a mistep in the story, it was establishing there is no story. It's just stuff. TFA was vague enough, left so much on the table where the story could have gone to interesting places.
TLJ was all, it's familiar Star Wars stuff, with it's own spin on it. Part of the problem was that it only viewed Star Wars on a very casual, superficial, somewhat stereotypical and incorrect version of it. A prime example is how it's" subverting expectations" is often doing something really similar to the originals. Casual fans might not notice, but fans do. Which is why it doesn't work.
People expecting Luke to train Rey. Expectations subverted because Luke doesn't want to and is reluctant. People then forget that the Jedi didn't want to train Anakin, were reluctant. Yoda didn't want to train Luke, was reluctant. TLJ isn't doing anything new. It isn't a fresh new take.
It then so poorly thought through what it did, it destroys the story going forward. So Rey is meant to bring back the Jedi, despite never being trained as a Jedi? So she just does. Is trained. Has some old books. It's meaningless because no thought was put in. TFA was vague but it left the story off the table. TLJ isn't smart enough to do this, as it never cares about the story.
Poe learns a lesson, Holdo was right? The film never stops to even think about the lesson. Blindly follow authority when you think it'll kill you. The film doesn't realise this is the message. It then forgets that from Poe's perspective Holdo's plan was an utter failure. The writing is bad, it's about some ideas but when story isn't a priority, it doesn't work.
Some people can focus on the ideas, the intentions and enjoy the film. However, it simply doesn't work as a story and part of a larger narrative. Due to the flaws of TFA, this is the ONE thing it's sequel needed to do. TFA started the story. It's sequel needed to tell the story. It didn't and so they both become meaningless. Which is why most people don't care anymore.
The person to blame is those running Lucasfilm. RJ was simply not the right choice. JJ and Kasdan should have done better, but they clearly saw their role as establishing the new Star Wars, as this is what they focused on. Someone who has experience telling large stories, writing sequels, episodes of TV shows etc, should have written its sequel. Nothing in RJ's writing history suggests he has the skill set to have done the task Episode 8 needed to do. Made only worse by him writing a sequel to a film he hasn't seen. Then his toxic narcissistic personality prevented him from understanding his own limitations and bringing on another writer to help with the story.
Ultimately Lucasfilm should have looked at the script and see it was shit, but people like KK aren't creatives. They work on the idea that you support the creative they know what they are doing. You're closed off from the genius. It's particularly a failure because at every point they acted to shut down and ignore criticism. They didn't even screen the film for more than 8 people at any time before it's premiere. They had the completely wrong attitude to making the film. They failed at their job, they failed the franchise and the theatre going audience.
For all the flaws of TFA, it dropped the ball but it wasn't a failure like this. They aimed to please the audience.
Mauler lost a lot credibility in my eyes when he trashed Blade Runner 2049 on stream a day or two ago.
Apparently he only give it one watch while hanging out with a friend who’s a die-hard fan of the original and who pointed out everything wrong with 2049 as they were watching it.
Way to not give it a fair chance, you idiot. Sometimes I think these YouTubers WANT to mope around all miserable and use outrage culture for profit.