Captain Marvel: An Unbridled Meh

would brie Larson workout is that like a personal attack yeah the movie opens with the usual Marvel logo but instead of all the heroes it shows Stanley cameos from the Marvel films it was a nice touch and it follows on with saying Thank You Stan which is well-deserved and kind unfortunately the film begins after that we wake up with Captain Marvel or well veers you're well I mean her name is Carol Danvers but I think it'll be more suitable for this assessment to simply refer to her as plank plank wakes up in a futuristic alien world called Halle the idea is that it's the hub world of the Kree who are the good guys and she is one of the Kree maybe she wakes up Jude Law the guy who plays the young vision of Dumbledore in the new films let's call him young GLE door and asks to spar with him she gets her ass kicked and he keeps telling her that she is letting her emotions get the better of her or scratch that it's more like using the powers would be using your emotions and she will fail if she does there and so she uses her emotions and wins okay like she gets this second wind and blasts him with her emotion beams despite his orders not to you go girl as punishment she's sent to the Supreme intelligence oh sorry I should back up blue supreme intelligence is like the AI boss of the Kree no I have no idea how that works or why it works that way though it sounds really interesting to explore to be honest on top of this the Kree apparently gave planker shooty powers via a neck patch but also choose to instruct her to use it wisely before allowing her to go on any missions alright then it's a bit weird that they would give her power she can't control probably something else going on there I guess we'll find out so plank talks to the AI and the AI says she's too emotional which is interesting I don't know how one would discern that from a plank the AI then says plank is ready to serve according to young --gel door and she says she hopes she doesn't disappoint which means this is her first mission correct especially considering they're telling her what the scrolls are which I assume is more so for our benefit but yeah this is probably her first mission either way the scrolls act as infiltrators and they take over planets one by one taking the form of the most powerful members of the population until they sweep over the entirety and so we get our soup slow hero walk with a team of warriors next up is a neat bit of back and forth between the group of Kree warriors almost teasing that they'll have characters but they don't keep that in mind are not done with it yet you might be asking why I've skipped over planks position in hala or how the place functions or why she's there or who the people she cares about there are what drives her why does she choose to fight in a war well these would be things that tell us something about her character and the writers decided it would be better to ignore that part of writing and skip to the mission briefing so the plan is to rescue an undercover guy from a planet that the scrolls have started invading and they need to get to him first because he has important information Smurf Lord from guardians of the galaxy is going to bomb a scroll stronghold while our team infiltrates the base and rescues the dude digimon Honsou is in her crew of Kree he was in guardians of the galaxy as well who I guess this is before he got robota fied I bring this up because it would be cool to know how he went from a Kree soldier to a strict robotic acolyte of Smurf Lord but he does [ __ ] all in the whole movie so I won't be mentioning him again to get to their location they used the same fast travel ability we saw in guardians so that's a neat bit of continuity maybe I'm bringing that up because it'll be relevant later we also see plank put a weird kind of helmet on I imagine this is to account for the harshness of space or just places that lack an oxygen source like underwater that's neat too she can't just survive in space she actually needs these things to live I wonder if I'm highlighting that for a specific reason - during the operation our team's communications short out in an ambush ensues they are forced to engage separately and the scrolls capture plank she was tricked into thinking she was rescuing the target but instead it was indeed a scroll and he zaps her knocking her out unfortunately the rest of the team were forced to retreat back to their ship and cut to black then we get what is probably the laziest attempt at rushing a background to a character I have ever seen plank is in a machine that is trying to access her memories because in her memories is something the scrolls want the first memory is of her friend preparing to fly with her and she says this you go girl we then see a moment in Planck's history where a mean boy told her she should go slower while turning corners and thus she speeds up only to crash after that her dad tells if she doesn't belong out there and he shouts this attea despite the fact that she probably needs to go to the emergency room what a guy then we slam into a moment of her training for the Air Force and a group of mean men are heckling her ending with a man saying they will never let you fly then we jump right over to another guy saying she's a decent pilot but she's too emotional finishing his sentence with you know why they call it a cockpit don't you I mean a lot of this [ __ ] is actually in the trailers by the way it then jumps into plank dancing and singing with someone this means she has friends then we see someone telling her about space when she was a kid this means she would like to explore space and then we see her hanging out with the friends kid which means she's friends with the kid too so in case you missed it Planck is told throughout her life by men that she's not where she should be and that she will fail because she's emotional while having strong healthy relationships with friends who she cares about and an interest in space and she always pushes forward even when told not to and that was crammed into eight different flashbacks over just about two minutes no context progression or insight just a memes worth of explanation of what the [ __ ] even going on this is giving me character development whiplash finally she has a memory of speaking to science lady and apparently the scrolls that are searching through her memories wanted that one specifically in order to find out who science lady was and where science lady's secret Space Lab is from the matter it's [ __ ] embarrassing and lazy to rush development like this but as an in world memory exploring device it makes no sense at all you're telling me that they wanted to find the name of science lady in her secret lab and their machine is so horrific aaliyan accurate that they bounced from age eight to thirty several times and finally landed on exactly what they wanted I mean it gets even worse they managed to find a memory where Planck was heading to the secret lab and she just so happens to have the coordinates on his screen sadly for the scrolls they can't figure out what to do with those coordinates and that will be relevant late regardless she regains consciousness without the futuristic alien scientists or their machine managing to pick it up in time and this gives her the upper hand kay she breaks out but she's stuck with what are essentially binds on her hands but she still manages to beat the crap out of all the aliens in the place while having moments of what I assume is comedy didn't they do this joke in the mummy and then to go even earlier it's kind of from Willow [Applause] apparently none of the scrolls have the zappy thing from earlier to be able to stop her Oh scratch that they do have them but it doesn't do anything for no reason like at one point three of them hit her with electric [ __ ] at once and she's still conscious k so Planck runs around for a while and when feeling like she's about to be defeated she gets a second wind and breaks her restraints off allowing her to once again beat all of the aliens this has been very nail-biting as a result of beating the crap out of everybody the ship begins to fall apart and before she is sucked into space she blasts her way onto the ship she also reformed her mask when losing oxygen again that's good huh I'm pretty sure I'm setting something up here Planck then goes back into the memory room and finds the screen is playing the clip of that guy saying you know why they call it a cockpit don't you and so she uses her powers to smash the screen you go girl we then see a scroll warrior enter an escape pod and released into Earth's orbit I wonder if his ship was detected or found by earth and whether or not that changes our understanding of technology or alien life but maybe I shouldn't talk about that just yet Planck then jumps into a Skrull ship and she's able to pilot it immediately I guess that's her power she's a really good pilot and thus can pilot anything can you fly a TIE fighter I anything even though she can't remember her history right now of being an amazing pilot and she's never had a mission outside of hala yet as far as I understand a [ __ ] interestingly as she exits the entire ship is exploding I suppose that's a result of her banging around all of it I don't know I find it pretty odd that this massive ship is just floating above earth visible to the naked eye exploding casually does NASA have any detection for this hell maybe there's some casual people with telescopes that could have spotted it but no not even shield are aware of the several thousand pieces of debris falling from the sky nor are they aware of the ship at all okay like these aliens that are all bent on infiltration are pretty [ __ ] stupid when it comes to espionage and unfortunately for Planck his ships control panel was damaged so as she entered Earth's atmosphere she fell out of the ship's flooring shut up that makes sense as a result she then crashes through the roof of a Blockbuster but what happened to her ship did it crash did the debris scatter around town would technology like that not cause everything to change for planet Earth speaking of which what about the capital ship that she came from do you guys see this it's been obliterated visible from Earth's atmosphere with pieces poised to scatter across a large portion of the planet this would cause a potential Cataclysm changing the perception of alien life or progression in technology and it would have caused major damage it's a [ __ ] enormous ship but we can't be bothered to entertain the kind of will building that even Spiderman homecoming explored even though that was just a result of the things that happened in Avengers when this is set in 1995 either way back to the blockbuster plank picks herself up only to notice a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis from True Lies and she immediately shoots his head off with one of her blasts you go girl though if you haven't seen True Lies then go watch it it's better than this [ __ ] Langdon goes outside and meets the security guard and despite her having broken into an out of the store he's guarding he waits until the following morning to call the police for reasons though she also spent her whole night there creating a way to communicate with young Aldo via Radio Shack wires like I think the movies trying to say that she broke her highly advanced alien wrist communicator thing and that she can now fix that by screwing around with a bunch of publicly available 90s Earth technology because that's how that works she gets the call going and tells yeonggil door that she has to get to science lady before the scrolls do otherwise they could invade many galaxies which wait what so the scrolls want the Lightspeed technology from the secret lab and the Kree want to prevent them from doing so because otherwise they can reach other galaxies and spread but I thought the whole point was that the scrolls spread to other galaxies already it takes the Kree 22 hours to get to earth from the planet they first fought the scrolls on in this film despite the fact that they have the jumping ability that means the scrolls have already traveled that distance as well and if the scrolls are capable of it then they must have the technology to make it to other galaxies - like if they just headed in one straight shot with whatever they're currently using to travel they can invade to their heart's content once they pass the cream border as its referred to in the film so however it is that you do travel do that only do it for a long time and in one direction and that should have the same effect either way the moment that yong-chol door tells her to do nothing in stay put which would obviously change the course of the entire story the communications get fuzzy and so she decides to take matters into her own hands meanwhile we see that the scrolls have landed on earth in daylight in order to chase down plank which yeah I'm sorry how did it take them this long to land when we saw their ship was obliterated when plank was falling to earth at night like surely they should have landed just moments after she did at night which would have been much better for the story because now I have to wonder how the [ __ ] they managed to infiltrate the higher-ups at shield before shield got to her at the Radio Shack not to mention how the Scrolls all managed to land together and how no one thought the four green alien men arising from the ocean wasn't a [ __ ] I saw to behold especially when they completely convert into another species altogether also remember the guy in the ships that left on his own did he somehow land at a delayed time alongside them did they have some agreed portion of Earth to land on in case of the ship being exploded really or is there a random scroll in Europe just backpacking around living a new life going back to plank the police have arrived and Nick Fury himself tells her she is under arrest but before they can finish the conversation a scroll tries to kill plank and misses a blast from a rifle plank then pursues him this leads to an extensive chase on a train and through a tunnel leading us to a wonderful scene in which plank punches an old lady and then engages in acrobatics with her and well they have Stanley playing himself reading the script for mole-rats on a train a film in which he appeared to give the protagonist a lesson on love through his own comics while also playing himself this adds yet another layer to the mystery of just who Stanley is in the continuity of the Marvel films but it's also a really great reference Manus and off plank sees Stan and he smiles and she smiles back during the chase the scroll takes the time to convert from the old lady into a completely different person and makes sure everyone on the train including planks sees it because what the [ __ ] is the point of using that ability if you're gonna use it like that the scene ends with plank losing the scroll but being able to pick up a little device that fell out of the memory machine originally and analyzing it gives her a lead on where she needs to go next this happens right before it breaks and she can no longer use it this is a bit convenient but how well it's convenient that she decides to go to the bar and in the bar meets one of the only people that can help her with the name of the project meaning that those two pieces of information were all that she needed to get to what she wants the fastest way and they also happen to be the only two pieces of information she could even get before the thing broke it's also convenient that of all the things this crystal could project from her memory it projects the only two pieces of information that she specifically needed to push the plot the fastest but it's also convenient that her wrist tech allows you to access technology from another alien race but it's also also convenient that she found the drop crystal during the chase but it's also also also convenient that the scroll dropped that thing in the first place but it's also also also also convenient that she happened to be chasing the scroll member that was holding this thing specifically but it's also also also also also convenient that the scroll took this crystal to begin with when his entire ship was being obliterated but it's also also also also also also real so also convenient that at the base of this the machine used to explore her memories happens to copy her memories over to a crystal in the first place just so that all of this insanity can even happen in the first place meanwhile Fury is attacked by a scroll who was posing as his partner and the car crashes killing the scroll fury then says that everyone should back away because this is shield business shield business but wasn't the whole point of shield and I Man 1 to have the extended version of the name and it's all clunky and then by the end they shave it down to a moniker because people keep complaining about it I'm agent Phil Coulson with the strategic homeland intervention enforcement and logistics that's quite a mouthful I know we're working on it did your homeland intervention right what's mental just X Division God you need a new name for that yeah I hear that a lot you'll be hearing from us from the Easter teacher : and Just Cause shield did you guys [ __ ] forget they weren't calling themselves shield before 2008 in your own timeline plank is then figuring out how she will get to the bar that she got from the device and a man passes by on his motorcycle that would be super useful to travel but you can't steal from people right well the mean man asks her to smile for him and she frowns so once he goes into a store and leaves his bike behind she decides to steal it I wouldn't he still have the keys how did you manage that and I mean ethically is it really because he asked for a smile you go girl we then find out that Fury's boss is a Skrull played by ben mendelsohn you guys remember he played cranek well he is present for the alien autopsy that should probably redefine science and the periodic table as we know it and as the film points out but this literally has no effect on the world or on the MCU as we know Kay and fury says they've just heard about a motorcycle thief that matches her description so Planck goes to the bar she's looking for from the memory file and she finds fury is already there I how the [ __ ] did he get to the bar ahead of her if all he knew was that she stole a bike like he would have the license plate maybe which could be found eventually but he got to the bar before she did what they figure out that Fury is not a scroll by pointing out that Scrolls will never have detailed long-term memory of the person it copies so Fury gives her the names of some states and some stories of what he did before shield and she just believes him apparently that was detailed enough it's not like she knows the names of the states in America so she can't verify what he just said and even if she could verify it he could still be lying so with the rules stated by the film fury could still be a scroll and Planck is just a complete idiot great on the other hand fury wants evidence that she's not a scroll and she decides to destroy a jukebox nobody seems to care that she does that they even showed a bar ona earlier I guess he just doesn't mind like she says she did it because Scrolls can't do it but we already know that the Cree can't do it either so unless you know her personally this really doesn't matter at all which not only that but fury is not convinced by it so what was the point of any of this and let's not understate how horrific Li bad the direction for the actors is here it may not seem so bad when filming but once the effects were put in did they just say [ __ ] it to the fact that his photon blast comes about an inch away from the head and shoulders of fury and he doesn't seem to give a [ __ ] look what it did to the jukebox there's a good chance that half of his face should be gone blank then asks that fury take her to Pegasus and so he does I have no idea why since he even says that he's not sure if she is a scroll and we learned that Pegasus is extremely sensitive in terms of a billion-dollar cover-up but he just agrees I'm sorry that makes no sense at all so fury gets them into the place but they are immediately detained by those who work there I'm not exactly sure why they wouldn't just detain them at the front gate but okay after getting bored long enough fury calls in his backup and uses tape to get the fingerprint off his wallet that the guard touched earlier as a result fury can then open the door plank says that's impressive and fury responds oh ho you should see what I can do with a paper clip the humor for the most parts in this movie is fine it's the most fine that humor can be it's like jokes that my friends and family might make when they rush to be funny i smirk at it but I realized that this is from a screenplay funded by millions of dollars and then I just kind of die plankin fury find the records room and for some reason the cat that I think belongs to the science lady is here why would they let this cat wander around this place for possibly more than six years after its owner went missing especially considering what we learn about it later well sometimes consistency has to be sacrificed in aid of a joke but we'll get to that fury then mentions that there at the door for the records and he needs to get the fingerprint back out in order to get into the room but Plank just blows it open with her power this is another one of them please laugh moments in the film but this is potentially the most secure room the entire base and she blew it open with a photon blast where are the alarms where the guards they enter the room and all of the lights are automatic they turn on when you stand below them this is relevant for later they find the files based on science lady's name and they see that her plan for the Lightspeed engine has been terminated fury says that the security here is this way because they are covering up for a billion dollar mistake which is pretty hilarious considering how easily they got in here but the point is that the engine the pilot of the engine the event itself and the funding are all covered up except these files still exist for some reason fury even comments on how everything to do with the pilot is redacted so they have no leads except the name of the best friend of the pilot is provided as well as her address and they have a picture of her as well as a [ __ ] picture of plank the redacted pilot in the [ __ ] file the file that redacted everything about her they just forgot that there's a picture of her in there excellent job of covering up a billion dollar mistake lads but then you think about that statement that they've covered up this whole thing from people including but not limited to Nick [ __ ] Fury like wouldn't Howard Stark have been given full authority to absorb every last piece of information as well as the pilots involved to discover anything about the technology that was created from the tesseract like honestly I'm talking about the entire operation the pieces of tech from science lady the notes the files the explosion you know that the site itself it's all tied to the creation of technology that - extremely far advanced alien races want in order to win wars seems like earth would make some strides with that sort of tech if you ask me though maybe you don't believe that the Kree would have let those things fall into earthling hands and I mean it couldn't have because otherwise the world would have progressed significantly if that were the case right well the film shows us blueprints of the Lightspeed engine as well as large shots of the crash site all of this stuff was readily available to progress from and what they covered it up and redacted a whole bunch of information like you telling me shield and NASA redacted information to prevent shield and NASA to advance technologically what the [ __ ] is happening either way Planck sees this stuff and gets a flashback of Sian's ladies saying this isn't about fighting wars it's about ending them Oh doesn't that sound familiar isn't that why we fight so we can end the fights do we get to go home well before they can get out Furies back up arrives but it's chronic and they soon enter into a big old chase fury is hiding in the records room and the bad guys have to walk into the aisles to activate the lights and thus finding him is pretty [ __ ] hard because all he needs to do is move to one that's not lit up extremely secure lads of course these men aren't normally bad it's just that cranek is ordering them around and he is the main villain right now we also get a wonderful line where one of the agents says we have to take them in dead or alive and we're gonna remember that line fury then bumps into cranek and they have a scuffle until Planck saves him during this entire fight every other agent is mysteriously missing but once Planck fires a photon blast and spares cranek for no reason the agents all suddenly pop back up how convenient and so Fury and Planck had chased to a plane and escaped with cranek firing at them along with his soldiers to no avail gee lucky the plane doesn't require keys to get into it or to turn it on while also being fuelled up and free of any obstacle to lift off what is this force awakens oh look the adorable cat decided to jump on board with them - I have no [ __ ] clue why Planck then explains that she woke up on hala six years ago with no memory and she is sure she started on earth she and fury then shared a nice bit of banter getting along and I remember for a moment what characters might look like then we see Smith Lord asking where he can bomb next and Yongle door says [ __ ] off for a bit I will only bring this up here quickly but Lee paces back as Smith Lord and they did not manage to have him use the same voice nor do his prosthetics look the same at all even without the black marks we know only that she has been captured this mess and yet you summoned me I will he isn't in the movie for long so I guess they kind of rushed it I have no idea regardless the important detail is that young --gel door has been heading to earth this whole time and halfway through the movie Smith Lord could be anywhere waiting for a potential coordinate just just keep that in mind folks so Planck meets up with their best friend and your best friend's kid from the flashback the kid seems to be the same age as the flashback despite being 6 years older I don't know how they [ __ ] that up or how the kid remembers her so [ __ ] well but let's move on best friend tells us about how good a friends they were because showing that would have been far too difficult apparently on the day of the flight science lady was saying she had lives to save and so as a result Planck offered herself up to the risk because she is a hero like best friend outwardly states this maybe we should have seen that actually happened as well as you know like an origin of her character and who she is instead of just telling us movie you awake best friend goes on to say that the government covered it all up obviously they weren't very effective at it then we got a lovely collection of photos to look at like they montage it again we have shown a [ __ ] ton of memories at once to convince us that Planck is human rather than wood and we are told exactly what they are it gets to the point where Planck is shown a picture of herself as a kid with her dad and the little girl says you didn't get along with your parents for [ __ ] sake movie why couldn't we see this sort of thing instead of people telling us about it in a schizophrenic flashback sequence or a collection of photos and for the record this is not something you can brush off in a throwaway line Planck is slowly retrieving her memories as well as her personality and an obvious subject to broach when in that situation would be to speak to or at least acknowledge your parents so why does she seem to ignore this line from the little girl why doesn't she ask why she didn't get along with her parents why doesn't she ask where they are or [ __ ] it how about whether or not they're alive is she really just happy to move on with all of this instead of questioning the fact that this girl she barely remembers is telling her that a photo in which she was smiling with her dad is a reminder that she doesn't get along with her parents why can't you act remotely human either way cranek just shows up and basically says I'm not a bad guy also I have the black box from the day of your crash I want to listen to it with you I'm guessing he stole it while he was Fury's boss I have no idea either way best friend is confused by all of this and so cranek refers to her as young lady while trying to explain it she then snaps back saying that if he refers to her as young lady again she's gonna put her foot where it's not supposed to be you go Gil so they play the audio and it clearly spells out the coordinates they need while activating another memory for Planck which means we finally get the history so apparently the ship that Planck was piloting was brought down and science lady is executed by the pursuers oddly Planck tried to use the ejector seats for herself and science lady but they just don't work we never find out why that's the case but man it manages to make it so that everyone meets up right next to the Lightspeed engine and Planck gets her powers so obviously we needed it to happen that way just just don't think about it moving on it is shown and told that science lady is bleeding blue blood which means she was a Kree and not an earthling all along which wait a second you telling me that science lady was like a higher-up at shield but she initially came to earth as an alien then are we supposed to assume that she came to earth at some point became a citizen of America went to school or university or both and then joined shield or NASA or in this case both and then as a result headed the most technologically important project in human history which was exactly what she wanted that plot right there is a movie on its own especially with how the film admits it was tough for women to get positions like that in those days for the Air Force I imagine it might have been even harder for alien women what about the idea that she arrived on earth as this random person who wants to get to the top of the chain in the American scientific government when she wasn't even a citizen nor did she have any identity regardless and she literally can't bleed or take a blood test without blowing her cover which is awkward when trying to rise in the ranks of the air force isn't it just don't think about it anyway back to the flashback plank grabs the alien gun that science lady had and aims it towards yeonggil door apparently he was the baddies the whole time her memory is slightly more corrected I guess also I have no idea why he didn't just shoot here after shooting science lady or why he continues not to when you consider the plank as random earthling and she can currently prevent them from reaching the engine that will apparently win wars for them if he just shot her before or after she grabbed the pistol then the film literally would just end yeah so before young --gel door or his sniper can stop her plank moves her aim over and fires the alien gun at the Lightspeed engine and it explodes in her face covering her in goo and thus she has super powers making yeonggil door decide to take her home with him k though what I find interesting about the flashback at this point is that if they were using the Lightspeed engine while they were being chased why not use it to escape as opposed to risking it falling into the hands of the enemy especially when they're trying to kill you and if science lady was just visiting her lab regularly what was so special about the day where she had planker with her and why did she go with her we even here Planck asked what the destination is just before they're attacked mid-flight why would you agree to go on a mission to save humanity when you have no idea what the [ __ ] is even happening on it actually what were they even testing as pilots how exactly do you test Lightspeed technology without traveling extremely far distances wouldn't that reveal pretty much everything about science ladies plan and you know the nature of her alien nurse at the very least an experience like that would change Planck and best friends lives forever as should it change it's [ __ ] technology forever can we get a little bit more information on the day that everything that insights this entire film happened phrenic that explains that this whole time the scrolls have been running away from the Kree that they are refugees they are homeless they resisted the Kree rule and their planet was destroyed for it this whole time the scrolls just wanted the Lightspeed text so they could find a place to settle that the Kree couldn't find them on so they didn't even want to conquer they literally just want to travel somewhere distant and settle correct me if I'm wrong but you can totally [ __ ] do that already with this technology can't you like in Guardians 2 they travel through what are essentially whim holes which would be faster than light in a technical sense no and if you ever felt as though you hadn't traveled far enough do another 50 jumps they do 700 in that scene on a random ravager ship and if you really don't have this tech then like I said before use whatever you currently use to travel across great distances and just straight shot it for a while out of Kree territory all the things I just suggested are a better survival strategy than consistently invading planets that belong to the people who hate you and I mean [ __ ] you keep setting ambushes for them as well you idiots like what do you expect gonna happen anyway plank has a rant about how everything is a lie and that she has no history to trust nor does she have a personality to remember finishing out with a line that I could not contain my laughter over three quarters into the movie and our protagonist in an origin story has no idea who she is so best friend decides to have a counter rant and effectively says this to plank you risk your life to do the right thing you support me as a best friend a mother and a pilot when no one else would you are smart you are funny you are the most powerful person I have ever known gee look at that resume would have been cool to have seen any of this or is it with the development in this film it's like they bought a packet of instant character just add crappy speech and proceeded to spill it all over any moment they can find instead of just showing us here but it's all good we now know she is funny smart and powerful Plank can become the person she is like she just accepts this and everything's fine so that's just chronic then reveals that they've been looking for plank as the only lead because she has an energy signature that's the same as science lady's core so they figure she can help them find the core that's really [ __ ] odd considering the many many many times they've tried to kill plank there was the rifle shot at the beginning with the Radio Shack there's the time where cranek orders his men to take them dead or alive there's the time the cranek shot at them with all of his man kinda seems like the writers have no clue what the hell is going on in their movie right now and that's just not to mention that he's telling us that these are refugees on the brink of destruction and what plank blew up your entire starship killed lord knows how many of your men and you haven't shared a second of that grief or anger it's like the scripts just suddenly flipped sis just thinking about it they were apparently looking for plank the whole time like the ambush was designed to capture her specifically like how did they know she was coming from what the movie was peddling I thought this was a first bloody mission and the look of having here out of all the team members to be the one that goes for the target so [ __ ] lucky this just dare I question how exactly they picked up planks energy signature and then read it as something that's like the station that sounds pretty damn unlikely when you're dealing with a potential galaxy of distance not to mention that by that logic they planned for her to be on Topher in the opening which is mighty convenient considering that whether or not she was a warrior for the Kree would actually change that outcome all of that is just but then how about a bit of incompetence the Kree wiped her memory and then added false ones in right cranek does say the whole they did a number on you thing so I assume that means that the Kree changed her memories which just adds so many more questions most importantly being why didn't you give her a clean slate instead of changing it so that she remembers the event that took place except she swapped one person out for a Skrull if you have that degree of control shouldn't you've changed it so that it was an entirely different circumstance but still involve Scrolls so that she would hate them I guess and why do you let her remember science lady actually why wouldn't they just kill her instead of integrating her when they don't have strong control over her beyond a removable patch yes just let her know about everything inside your civilization and your military even though you fear her power flank after all this nonsense plank just goes along with it she accepts that her faction who living memory is all [ __ ] and that the scrolls are probably the good guys because there isn't anything to figure out or take in or is there caution to have or questions to make or you know just figuring it out the whole thing would take too long and that's just [ __ ] it let's get going with this plot am i right so plank reveals that the secret base is in space and it's hidden the coordinates point to it and the scrolls couldn't figure that out up until being told by our heroes they even have a comedic line to point out how dumb it is they didn't figure it out despite being so advanced and the scroll dude is like pointing out your own stupids doesn't mean they are now not stupids movie that's just yeah so the the science scroll says he can make their ship space ready overnight like their normal earth atmosphere 90 ship is going to have an alien do some welding and then it'll be space ready I I don't he like he gives the ship a makeshift artificial gravity device they have a shot specifically for it I just can't over night I just show movie sure with everything we've already seen and everything that's to come it doesn't shock me speaking of which Planck asks the best friend come to this mission to find a technological core on a craft that is not designed for its destination that can provide an alien race the means to escape a further advanced alien race that is sending soldiers to kill them now the obvious answer to this is no it's extremely dangerous and I have a child to take care of but then the daughter says you shouldn't want to stay here and watch fresh prints with me instead of going on a cool mission and goes on to say I'm just thinking that you should consider what kind of example you're setting for your daughter you go girl this convinced his best friends to go on the mission no I am NOT [ __ ] you Christ when you think about it which is precisely how to kill this script best friend got over the existence of aliens really [ __ ] quickly didn't she like not only does she know that there's life out there she knows her best friend was kidnapped for six years and that these aliens can literally turn themselves in to her at will and that brings another thought to mind you would think that best friend might suspect her life long suddenly returned friend could be one of these shape-shifting aliens wouldn't you especially since she can't recall anything about her life or her best friend here and aside from that let's not underestimate how all of these kinds of things might rock your world a little bit might send you into a nightmarish psychopathy might have you redefine how you look at life or the world or your position in it but no we only do that sort of thing for characters we do not do it for plot devices or cardboard cutouts so she's gonna be just [ __ ] fine in fact she's ready for a cool mission the grandparents that arrived to take care of the kids so that she isn't alone which is interesting remember her best friend said no one would support her being a mother and a pilot I guess the grandparents were kind of dickish back then but anyway Planck decides she wants to change the color of his suits and she doesn't like the Cree colors anymore and the kid chooses her the red and blue based on her own [ __ ] not sure how she knew how to do that but it's a nice moment and you know maybe Planck was doing it the whole time for her it is however extremely amusing that Planck takes a righteous stand against the Cree uniform and changes its colors but she keeps the symbol of the Cree or at least its warrior factions so that's awkward like imagine being completely against the team you come from because you discover their rampant persecution and murder of innocence and so you flip the colors on their symbol and you celebrate that you no longer have any connection to them it doesn't work very well when you think about it with other stuff does it we then harshly cut to Yongle door having made it to earth and he enters one of the shacks near the best friend's house in daylight he finds Planck and asks for her to say who gave her the blood transfusion when she was on hala it could be said that this question comes out of nowhere because we weren't told about any transfusion prior to this moment though this shot shows up in the trailer where it doesn't in the movie which means they may have had a scene in which she arrived at Haller and it was cut maybe more of a backstory was planned for her in yeonggil door and this reveal of having used his blood was meaningful in some way in the trailer there's this bit about how she's made stronger and superior by being given the blood so you could live longer stronger superior they do comment on being human as lesser than being creed but there's never a setup or payoff in relation to blood so I guess they cut all of it except this line from yeongil door which actually are they suggesting that she doesn't age like a human and she has a bunch of Cree traits because they put the Kree blood in her like she'd changed species because of a blood transfusion or is it just coincidentally the same traits that the Kree have and she just got them from the engine explosion [ __ ] hell I think the less we explore that the better but I mean from this information we can discern that she is part human part Kree part tesseract and pop would either way the point is she couldn't answer that question and so young will door shoots her proving that she was a Skrull decoy and in the decoys last breath it says you're too late there's a few problems here firstly why would you say anything let alone you're too late since this will give young GLE doll the impression that plank has switched sides or that she has at least found the technology ahead of time but yeah point is shut the [ __ ] up or people might wonder what the [ __ ] you were even doing here which in regards to a decoy brings me to my next point I do not know why in the world they would have tried this since if jungle doll was able to find this exact spot then there must be some form of a signal or transponder that they've managed to separate from plank otherwise they actually contacted jungle door and told him to come there which don't even get me started on the stupid of that so at the very least if we're being charitable they took a transponder or whatever signal she makes and convincingly made it so that a scroll can act as it so then maybe don't put it in a shack near the house of your best friend or the decoy that can't answer a single detailed long-term question for [ __ ] sake talk about putting people in danger of young gold or tried to find whoever lived there you also just wasted a scroll for no [ __ ] reason jungle dog have easily found out that wasn't plank no matter what do you guys remember the whole bunch of [ __ ] the plank told fury about how Scrolls can't perform a photon blast all young gold ore had to do was ask for one of those and this scroll was just dead how did plank think that this plan was ever gonna [ __ ] work I love the idea that plank told the scroll some random facts about a history and just hoped it would be enough for them not to die I mean jeez why not put the signal somewhere completely different on the other side of the planet why not have the decoy run away to the other side of the planet and continue to evade pursuit like they've been shown to be very [ __ ] good at why not have the decoy get the jump on young GLE door and straight-up kill him and potentially take his place you could have shot him as he entered the shack no way that wasn't in the script [ __ ] hell why not have the real plank be the decoy because she could easily feed yeonggil door story about not finding the scrolls while the real group of heroes get to the secret base with her suit to open it up and Yongle door would be none the wiser remember plank is the hero the one who makes the sacrifices rather than this nameless scroll warrior who died for no reason her young gold ore then brings up his arm and says Smith Lord attack c-53 being earth of course and Smith Lord is just cool with that I love that he could have been on the toilet or reading a newspaper and yeonggil door just pulls him up randomly only to find he's standing there like a figurine with his hammer waiting to be told what to do sure movie and telling him to come now this close to the end Will Smith Lord even make it and apparently angled or is able to contact people like Smith Lord despite being many systems away with just his wrist thing instantly so why does Planck have to access an earth phone every time she does it I mean it's useful because it prevents her from being in constant communication with young GLE door so he can't make sure she doesn't research this [ __ ] to begin with and it makes it harder for him to push her towards the Kree rather than the scrolls and then the additional benefit is that he couldn't contact her while he was landing on earth so that wouldn't compromise the switcheroo so these helpful story beats are all thanks to the fact that she broke it enough in her fall for it to not work properly but not enough that Earth technology couldn't fix it how convene as Planck and her team liftoff they make a point to show gravity changing as they leave Earth's atmosphere which is neat only they forget that on the way up the hair on Planck should be flowing back not dangling down and all of them should be pulled back as a whole the weird thing is that they did it earlier and they made a joke out of it this is nitpick but I don't know they almost got it this bad either way Planck and her team make it to the secret base but it's cloaked and as I said who suit just uncloak sit that's just something it does okay and I mean there's no effort to recloaking like you might want to do that in order to prevent yeonggil door from finding you unless you have to leave it uncloaked because the script said so and there's no concern for what nasa might do when they see it because yeah so they get to the control room and it turns out that the tesseract was the core the whole time this is what the engine was powered from apparently Howard Stark loaned it out to the Pegasus project and by the end of this movie it goes back with shield to be in line with Avengers and in all fairness to the movie Pegasus was used as a title for the project studying the cube in Avengers but there is something to consider like the idea that allowing science lady to have the tesseract to try and work on fast travel and high-tech engines is interesting and reasonable I suppose though if this technology was something that even the Kree wanted and it was casually available for a pilot to fly in this movie then you would think the plans for it or even the thing itself would be a little more impactful on earth tech in general wouldn't you but let's assume they kept all of it extremely secret wouldn't there be some notes files etc lying around maybe that could maybe create a ripple effect that would revolutionize technology No okay well barring all of that you are never going to [ __ ] convince me that shield and Howard Stark would have given up the tesseract to be lost for six years or more like this thing is the quintessential most important thing that Earth owns they would never let it exist in a form that's not under surveillance and if ever it went missing science lady would be reprimanded and interrogated immediately because earth would not take that loss lightly which brings me to my next point fury basically seeing the tesseract and having no clue what it is or its relevance when it would be fully documented as an extremely important device that fueled the creation of [ __ ] disintegration weapons during World War two is bizarre not to mention that he's a part of Sheol the organization that had the tesseract during and up to 1989 he should be saying holy [ __ ] [ __ ] our government lost track of this thing years ago and this is where it was the whole time it's sad that the [ __ ] tesseract is treated like such a joke in this movie I feel like the writers for this one may have watched the MCU once and are going from memory when creating this story but there will be more evidence of that soon enough moving on we find out that a large amount of scrolls have been hiding on this ship for six years and science lady was trying to help them travel to another galaxy included among them is chronics family and they have a reunion it's very emotional but then it gets the old brain running again if we're supposed to believe that's his family and that's his kid shouldn't she have a bit of trouble recognizing him isn't she like eight years old at maximum and they've been gone for like at least six the kid is probably like 50 years old in our biology so it's fine the other question is that if his family are there then why didn't he know where the thing was did he casually give them up and didn't care to have a back-up plan for their location in the event that something goes wrong did he not care about the condition in which he left them why would he trust the random Crees scientists so much for that matter how did science lady even get them up there did she make a deal with the scrolls off willed and then drive the whole thing to earth what did she do to earn their trust the entire movie doesn't happen if these things don't happen so I think it's pretty important that we know why and it could easily double up as some really great character building for cranek now let's just have our fun little space movie but then [ __ ] hits the fan jungle door and his team just waltz into the room as if it's theatre no warnings or noises or detection getting Iron Man 3 vibes here like there's no connecting scene to show how they knew to come here I guess we're supposed to assume that our smart intelligent clever protagonist didn't really put the cloak back on the secret base and so young guild or just saw it outside his space window [ __ ] hell and they capture everyone literally uncle door just grabs plank with his telekinesis arm thing and hits her and she's knocked out okay there's also this little moment where he's outraged the plank has changed the colors on her uniform as if it's super insulting to the Kree or whatever and you have to ask if it's so offensive to not have the green colors and why does she have the option in the first place like the suit seems to have it as a major feature and whatever back to the captured people they are scanning threat levels and it says low to no threat for fury to which he responds that things clearly busted again the humor is just fine that's a joke that needs a bit more of a punch and quipping us but you know as it stands it's like yeah you could call that funny I guess but then the bad guys say that they're going to eject the prisoners including best friend into space if you eject all those aliens then what stops Earth from picking all of it up eventually like why not just execute them here and now aren't you kind of [ __ ] with Earth's like natural progression did I do well we'll talk about that what I want to know is where the best friend is rethinking her decision to ditch her kid in exchange for a cool mission where she gets to be ejected into space you [ __ ] idiot anyway plankton wakes up and she's being plugged into the supreme intelligence group apparently you can just do that anywhere remotely so why even go to a giant [ __ ] off temple in the beginning if you can just do it from like the [ __ ] space Wi-Fi chrissake the scene opens with the supreme intelligence welcoming plank while playing come-as-you-are by Nirvana which is interesting since that song released in 1991 and plank left earth in 1989 but I suppose we can hand wave it by saying she hit it on the radio while she was here in 1995 off screen and that's why it's deep in her mind also why the [ __ ] is she speaking to the AI haven't they won now haven't they got the tech that captured the scrolls and plank is knocked out not to mention the plank hates your team now just kill her and you win everything but no we spend several minutes with the AI telling plank that she's crap she doesn't know how to use her power it's cute how hard she tries she doesn't control her emotions she's useless and she Ellis traits this too here by showing her the montage we saw at the beginning of her failing to do things all of the time and finally without the Kree she is only human so like did they really plug her into the AI just for it to say mmm mm yeah we won you suck Lal really even though the Korea fully aware that HiPower isn't from them like mechanically they know this so why coax hit a [ __ ] hate you there's no reason for this scene so thanks to the montage Planck remembers a different montage for us to enjoy of getting back up from falling over in all of those clips and then at all crescendos with her saying my name is Carol she tries to walk towards the AI in her mind but the AI fires a blue energy beam at her and she starts to try and break through it and by doing that in her mind with the AI it weakens the electricity of the whole ship and makes it so that all the restraints for the good guys fall off I good guys start beating up all of the bad guys alright there's an issue or two with this handful of seconds i'ma try and get through them real quick why would the AI not activate the neck thing the second plank started to show resistance we saw it prevent her powers from being used before and she hasn't realized she can take it off yet so just do it actually why would there even be a Wi-Fi connection to the AI in this ship when it was made in secret and opposed to the Kree come to think of it why are they even wasting time with this at all instead of going back to hala with an unconscious plank in tow why can the AI fire a weird blue beam in a mental simulation chat thing what does the AI hope to achieve by firing it outside of slowing plank down and for that matter what is plank trying to do where is she going their proximity to the AI in a mental phone call world doesn't mean anything anyway why would firing a mental abstract phone call beam at plank while she's in a simulation cost the ship electricity when it's not a process outside of planks own head why would it cost so much electricity that it's almost shutting down the entire station isn't this ship powered by the tesseract technology the the infinite renewable energy stuff and then on top of that why would you guys have a security system that releases all prisoners whenever there's a second interruption from a power source that seems really dumb and finally why the [ __ ] is bestfriend able to beat these guys up she's been retired for like six years and their space warriors bred for wiping out any galactic faction hi can I just what the [ __ ] is happening plank then says that she's been fighting this whole time with one arm behind her back and decides to just take off the power patch thing and thus reveal her full potential that's all it took for six years she just had to take the thing off did this never come up at all did she really assume her power came from that when no one else on hala was given one nor does anyone have any kind of power anywhere near hers did no Kree citizen ever tell her that nobody [ __ ] has a thing like that and it's all [ __ ] especially when she's aware that she isn't originally Creed did she ask nobody any questions did it never accidentally come off did she never even think to bother trying really this means that the Kree designed a power patch to reduce the power provided by a tesseract powered engine that splattered goo into plank how the [ __ ] did they manage to engineer that and does it work on thatthose for example they did it to a point where Planck was convinced for the first portion of the movie that it was her source of power that means she must have had it the moment she woke up on her first day on hala I just you want me to believe they have tesseract powered goo created suppression nicotine patches just like it watada holla [ __ ] off movie like this scene it just gets worse and worse the more you think about it was the goal here to really try and convince plank to work for you guys again despite her actively learning that you've lied to her for her entire living memory you represent a team that goes around hunting people down because they don't follow your rules and you literally killed the person she respects the most in front of her in cold blood [ __ ] hell even if they convince her that if power comes from the thing on her neck then she's obviously gonna wonder why they wouldn't just give the neck thing to someone else though better yet she will wonder why the [ __ ] they wouldn't just execute her as a matter of fact you guys currently have the ability to knock her out so I'm now wondering why the [ __ ] you won't kill her you simultaneously fear her abilities to the point of putting a leash on here while being completely aware that she's the only thing that can threaten your entire organization for [ __ ] sake so why are you keeping her alive let's calm down eh so Planck then becomes godlike she glows and destroys everything in her path it's extremely nail-biting once again like she had to take the patch off to prevent it from limiting her right oh no that was just metaphor or something because the real world patch just explodes I'm not kidding this happens it just explodes on a neck her belief in her own power overpowered the six year long power limiter meaning that this is a power limiter that only limits the subjects power if they believe their power is limited who wrote this she collects the tesseract from the Kree soldiers while they recover from her a OE blast and wait why in the hell did the Kree not secure that thing it's the key to their entire goal of domination across galaxies why not send the thing home with one dude back to holla for research all the rest of them even do here is just pointlessly stand around watching the interrogation which as we went over is an utterly pointless [ __ ] thing to begin with and for that matter as Planck is erupting from her coal with the supreme intelligence they don't shoot here or try to restrain her they just stand there waiting to be knocked over like bowling pins good god everyone is stupid in this movie she then catches up with fury and asks him to take care of the tesseract only to see the cat evolve into a hideous Lovecraftian monster and consume the cube I'm not joking the cat eats the tesseract with its tentacles this is the tesseract it has the potential energy to wipe out the planet well there's precedent for that now though the cat just being able to eat and contain this Infinity stone cube is just compounding how much of a joke the tesseract is when you hand it off to another team of creators instead of you know the good ones either way the team tried to get the tesseract off the ship and planked chooses to distract the bad guys along with young elderly eating them the fight begins and she blows them all away immediately it's really intense then we cut back to our team of civilians who aren't doing so well best friend is shooting several Cree soldiers to death because why not and her gun then runs out of ammo luckily the four remaining soldiers don't shoot her despite her standing in the middle of the hallway like they just walked towards her because plot armor because reasons because this film is [ __ ] who really knows either way things are looking grim for our heroes right up until the cat grabs all of the enemies with its tentacles and slams them all over the place ending with consuming them all whole it's really funny up until you realize that the MCU is now eating itself without realizing it again not to mention that this demon monster cat now acts as they get out of death free card I just picked up in my own notes that there are so many detrimental writing issues in this film that like the mid-tier bad ones are almost slipping under the radar by comparison so then we cut back to plank and she's still annihilating all of the Kree warriors they have a few lines about how they want to beat up our precious plank but we really have no idea if they're cool with the lies the Kree peddle or if they even know it's a secret or even if they care they're just drones but before you can recover from that the movie decides is a great idea to put the song just a girl from no doubt on remember the one with Gwen Stefani no we're not doing that this plays for the whole fight like how horrific aliy misplaced and forced and what is the message here that she became all-powerful and thus will destroy anyone in her way while smashing any preconceived ideas of what makes a woman or a girl even though her power is directly related to something other than being a girl or even human outside of choosing to get back up when an evil AI is monologuing I mean you go girl but yeah the fight plays out as one of the team gets a cheap shot on plank and then she blasts them away over and over again and if you were curious about the stakes plank grabs a sword that was intended to hurt her by its blade and breaks it I don't think she's in much danger regardless it ends with her getting trapped by yeonggil door and thus it forces her to experience a second wind and she beats him riveting eventually the civilian team break out of the ship despite being fired upon several times by alien technology in this slightly modified earth ship best friend then pilots the ship into a [ __ ] canyon dogfight against the Kree warrior and wins I just can't be asked [ __ ] off plank then chases yeonggil door into a pod and he drags her into space but luckily she has a helmet thing at the ready that's gonna be super relevant very soon but yeah plank is thrown off and she is struggling to regain control as she plummets to her doom but suddenly she gets the second wind and so she begins to really become super powerful because she wasn't powerful enough already and the other second wind wasn't quite good enough and thus she can fly now why can she fly how did she learn it or experiment with it I have no [ __ ] clue but she can do it now who needs learning when you are amazing at everything at default suddenly Smith Lord shows up and fires a series of ballistic missiles onto earth but little did he know we have a god now plank grabs just one of these things and blows them all up with it the explosion that was supposed to raise earth is this big I don't know what the intended effect on the planet even was nor do I know if blowing it up in atmosphere will have horrible effects but there we are also how the [ __ ] is Smith Lord already here he was called in about two hours ago in universe and he could have been even further away than yeonggil door was at the start of the movie and yet Yongle door took over 22 hours to get here seems pretty stupid but what the [ __ ] would I know they then send a fleet of fighters after here but plank bursts through them all wolf just on the edge of my seat right now she then flies through a Kree accuser battleship like it's butter and destroys the entire thing in a few seconds you remember this thing that an army of Nova Corps died to try and slow down well she can destroy it like it's made of bubbles while also flying through space which is something she absolutely nails by the way as though she's at a peak of understanding and learning about it almost like a progress with everything else she can do you guys remember when our heroes would have to pick up each of their skills over time learning growing changing developing well plank just instantly knows how to do everything quite literally on the fly though outside of the ability aspect how about we talk about the character once again plank erases that entire ship from existence there was very likely a lot of people on it of Cree people to be exact Cree that may have been lied to just like her and told the earth was full of Skrull invaders creed that she was no different from just yesterday and still she just splits them all in half while tossing them into the vacuum of space wild cheering [Music] and getting some serious Finn vibes here I guess she deemed them all evil and will have to wipe them off the face of the galaxy but wait she then spares the other two ships with a warning why are you invested in sparing these lives while happily taking the other third of them right there and then while cheering whoohoo is there no moral dilemma about how she picks and chooses who lives and who dies does she think about any of what she's doing on a level deal she's like a child and this is a double-edged sword by the way why did she spare Ronan out of the three ships when he is the one who's hell-bent on killing Scrolls and likely knows the truth she knows that he's a straight-up monster he regularly crushes opposition what the hell is a thought process for any of this is there any chance of getting to know her in this movie maybe don't think about it as cool explosions Smith flawed and says he will return here one day for the woman but he doesn't we know he goes for the Power Stone and dies so weird line to have there then Planck visits yeonggil door and he says that she has to prove she can beat him without her powers but she blasts him across the desert and says I have nothing to prove to you you go girl oh hang on wait that was a payoff wasn't it the idea that she couldn't beat young GLE dough in the past without hip powers and so he challenged her to do it here and she said no but I mean she did that in the opening anyway it's not like he stopped her wouldn't it have been better if he actually did prevent her from using her power to beat her his way only for her to flip that instead we have her beating him and then at the end of the film he demands a fair fight and she says no one beats him again okay then as a twisted personality plank actually offers jungle door a hand up I guess it's a sort of recognition that he's never gonna beat her and that he can accept that at this point it's like a mutual respect and I kind of like that oh never mind it was a bait she literally drags his ass across the desert by his hands you can't even let him walk to his ship after beating him down can you dignity and respect for losers she then tells yeonggil door that he is going back to holla and he will tell them that she is coming to end the war because well she can basically do anything now so why not and since his ship has been severely damaged it won't quite work but she blasts it with her hand power and it just would I it it just works back at the ship with our civilians fury is playing with the cats and it scratches his eye leaving him blind in that eye we then cut to the house where everyone is settling down after we what the [ __ ] fury got his eye taken out by a cat scratching it you [ __ ] kidding me so this line in Winter Soldier so I'll just trust each other that's what makes you to normal not a bunch of guys running around shooting guns last time I trusted someone I lost and I this line means [ __ ] nothing now just a [ __ ] joke you guys remember this right you erased my password probably deleted my retinal scan but if you want to stay ahead of me mr. secretary you need to keep both eyes open that moment is [ __ ] ruined if you end up watching the MCU in order of the universe itself then this scene will be viewed after the cat scratch which makes this scene embarrassing there's no weight here Fury's trying to threaten a man by showing that he got his eye scratched out by a cat you could have had a history that shows us why he went from a trusting and positive disposition to a cynical and untrusting one it may very well have related to how he lost that eye all of the information was set instead they chose the Rian Johnson route and used the information that fury has lied to say that he's been lying about his eye for his whole life he lost it to a cat he didn't lose it to trusting the wrong people or a particular person or to a fight that got rough and why well because it's funny right [ __ ] you I'm like he doesn't even care he's just chill about it the cat scratches him and he says it's only a scratch and the next scene already shows him comfortable with being blind in one eye as if that was the way it always was does this movie no it's a prequel maybe fury getting his eyes scratched by goose didn't simply make him lose his sight in that I remember that he used his bad eye at the end of Winter Soldier to access the shield computers maybe the scratch gave his eyes special powers that they haven't explained yet he does manage to say mother and then changes up the woods it's a funny reference but do you remember when they did this exact same joke in infinity war good job movie Blanc then says she's going to find the scrolls at home and she will return before anyone knows it which is awkward because she's gone for 24 years either way the little kid says she wants to go with her and fury says only if she can glow and the kid finishes or if I build a spaceship you don't know and Planck says he doesn't know who you got damn giggling go girl we then see fury tell Planck that the name Marvel which was science lady's name is awkward and the name Marvel is better this sounds like a setup for the name of the film but it goes nowhere he just says Marvel sounds better and we move right along like she's not the captain of anything and that's not the name she even has and she doesn't pronounce it that way what was the [ __ ] point of this length enhanced fury the modified pager we saw an infinity war and she says it's for emergencies only oh yes we're going to talk about that the film closes out with plank and the scrolls working together to go and possibly find a new home for their race to flourish far out of the reach of the Kree and this is also the moment that the narrative utterly falls apart in aid of some neat visuals we're talking about a complete [ __ ] cascade here so let's start small when they show plan coming up to the scroll ship she's just not wearing her helmet so there's the payoff for all those breadcrumbs I said I guess she can apparently survive just fine now and don't give me that she's a god crap we have no idea what the hell she is and that's not how it [ __ ] worked before and it would be a cop-out even if we didn't see that she had the helmet on when she was at full power five minutes ago it's just a simple piece of continuity that they sacrificed for the visual and now I guess she will never need the helmet again but then we see a zoom off with the ship full of Scrolls they are leaving in the Science Space Station that was previously hidden at least they look very much alike and there's nothing to suggest it's not the very same one but that would mean that they are using it because it has the Lightspeed engine technology on it right like I guess they don't need the tesseract because Fury ends up with it so there must be some light speed engine onboard that they are now using in order to complete the task of finding a handful of Scrolls left about the galaxy and then move out of the galaxy itself there's nothing to connect how and what the scrolls are doing here exactly I get that they're going for the family but they also need to escape the Cree still and cranek made it sound like the core or the tesseract was extremely important to that but no I guess they're just fine with a set of engines on board and that's all I think they need it's just so poorly translated so let's happily move on to the fact that plank only had a split second to reach the ship and the scrolls wouldn't be reckless enough to engage in Lightspeed without at least confirming she was on board and there are two trails left behind in the shop meaning the plank is traveling with them at the very same speed so we can conclude that she can travel at the speed of light now with no experimentation or knowledge she just does and so if she can survive traveling at the speed of light while also being able to punch through enormous creep battle cruisers then what in the world could possibly stop her she could easily kill Thanos Galactus and even Shaggy all in one Lightspeed punch what kind of entity is she at this point does she require food does she have any kind of organic process does she breathe is she a self-sustaining energy source now like this wouldn't be a problem if I just knew that she could push things with their hands but she can do everything now and [ __ ] if we ignore all of that these two entities traveling at the speed of light right next to each other one being a spaceship and the other being a person one using coordinates and the other one using what a guess at the right direction do they realize that even if she's off by 0.00001 degrees she'll end up in a completely different area of space to the ship hell they could even crash into each other causing a space soup of blood and metal but then you realize that they don't have a location they're searching for a potential planet to colonize does that mean that they're gonna travel at the speed of light and stop randomly until they bump into a planet they want really but then you realize as I've been alluding to in this whole video the speed of light is really not that fast at all especially not compared to warping around to give you guys a small idea here from what we understand Captain Marvel will be taking these folks outside the galaxy in order to protect them let's ignore the other possible threat that might arise from their presence elsewhere and focus on if they're taken out of the galaxy that would likely take some time now a solar system alone is kind of big in fact after doing some very rudimentary math I estimated with Fricke that it takes about two and a half years to travel from just one end of our solar system to the other at light speed light speed is [ __ ] pointless when it comes to traveling through the galaxy this is why the jump point things are actually pretty awesome and a great idea to come to the big screen from what I assume was James Gunn but the big payoff technology in this movie being a Lightspeed engine is just stupid I just can't even get over that she's gonna travel that fast she'll be the one who saves Tony won't she why don't let Thor save them I doubt that films not even out yet I just okay either way like I said Kaskade let's assume that all of what I just said works it just works you're telling me that the Skrull race had the means to escape and start a new life on the ship that they were marooned on for six years the whole time they never thought that maybe no one was coming to save them and that they should perhaps just [ __ ] go like were there no science people on that ship was it just families that didn't know how spaceships work in which case what was life even like for six years how did you make a community or society what did they eat how did they get along in such a harrowing position they show us a hot cup of something on a table but I mean what did you do beyond drinking them every day was it just playing those arcade machines infinitely and what did that do to them for six plus years and how embarrassed were they to learn that they could have left at any moment to find a safe planet to live on and even if they didn't find what they were looking for immediately they have super cloaking tech anyway no matter what the hell the writers were trying to do with this movie it would have been nice to have some lines about the lives of these people for the past six plus years but meh though going back to the plot you can ponder on something else if they are leaving with the power of the Lightspeed engine to search for what remains of the scrolls then all that remain according to cranek himself is the scrolls hiding in secret how do you propose to find them and didn't you say there's only a handful left that the head of the scrolls knows that you have to search to even find what remains of their species which kind of changes everything we knew if we go back to that previous battle on tour fur you know the opening planet battle we thought that the Kree were responding to the scrolls invading and they wanted to save some guy who had information on the scrolls from being a spy there but the truth is the Kree just want to wipe out the scrolls because they won't submit to rule and as cranek said this was a refugee base on tour fur making the Kree [ __ ] sure but that's fine that's what we know about them so knowing what we know now this was the last of the Skrull refugees that were known to the Kree because not even the scrolls know where the others are and there's only a handful outside of those in the secret base and not even the Kree know about that so why in the world would the [ __ ] Creve and risk a collection wouldn't they just raise the planet completely and then continue to do so whenever they find a selection of refugees of Skrulls anywhere I mean they're happy to bomb the people on the planet regardless so why not and if not if they were so desperate to go down there to erase that selection of scrolls then why send a team of six for [ __ ] sake if the information is that important a potential lead to other Scrolls and you consider that massively important then why not send a [ __ ] army this could be your literal glory day and you don't seem to give a [ __ ] to the point where you're almost killed as a team which is interesting right they are swarmed by an army of Scrolls yet the entire team is fine when we next see them meaning you killed all of those guys which ok let's switch it up and look at it from the perspective of the scrolls we know this whole thing was a setup to capture plank and so you have what is a dwindling race very fewer left and you are comfortable with sending an armies worth headfirst into projectile weapons in order to potentially capture one person that leads you to possibly saving less than what you lost in the first place ok well at least it's his family so there's room to push motivation there I mean you just sacrificed a [ __ ] ton of DNA for your species that could have been helpful for repopulation but sure not to mention all the guys you lost in the giant ship that exploded leaving what you knew to be 4 of your species to finish the work of finding and bringing together any Scrolls to prevent their extinction all in the hands of trying to get Banks memories all of these major population losses were in favor of one big insanely unlikely and downright unfeasible plans so let's lay it out because it sounds like this cranek during the war managed to randomly scan through the galaxy and find a signature that matches science ladies Lightspeed engine and from that absurdity realizes it was a person and so from that result alone he bet everything about the Reformation of his entire species since he is the only one with the knowledge and means to resurrect the scroll faction on not only that planck would be in the team that comes to topher not only the one who goes it alone to the target not only that she would have had something in her mind that might give them the location of the secret base not only that she'd be willing to help them when they explained the situation unlike every other Crean the story but that she would even have the information that could possibly help them find and facilitate the rescue of their lost species based on technology that she doesn't even know about or understand despite the fact that they are fully aware at that point that her entire premise as a [ __ ] characters that she has [ __ ] amnesia and she doesn't even know what the [ __ ] is even going on as opposed to using the resources you started out with being an enormous capital ship and an army to find those refugees you said was scattered about the galaxy or at the very least using the fact that you know that the Lightspeed Engine originated on earth try and infiltrate the leading governments on earth to find any and all information regarding the secret base which you should have done well before you decided to have hundreds of your own race kill themselves just in case searching earth led directly to that very [ __ ] base you utter wanker this has to be the stupidest [ __ ] plot line in the entire MCU is anything as [ __ ] vegetated and insanity to the degree that this is good god let's go back to the plot we see fury his in his office and the cat is just there apparently he's waiting for it to vomit up the tesseract are you seriously taking the joke this far that creature is a major [ __ ] risk to not only fury but everyone on earth and fury is just fine with it in his office okay fury then decides it's high time to start looking for heroes because there has to be more than just here out there even though you already had cap which sets a precedent but you failed to mention him but then you also don't find anyone until Tony Stark makes a metal suit which is nowhere near God power but sure I guess he counts whatever the hell you want movie the real issue with this scene is that fury gets the idea to call this theoretical group the Avengers because it was Planck's nickname when she was a pilot and he sees that in the [ __ ] photo of her I just why do you guys remember when they didn't need to make it about one of the people in the Avengers that gave them their name it was about them being a team and they would save the world and if not that they would avenge it you're missing the point there's no throne there is no version of this where you come out on top maybe your army comes and maybe it's too much for us but it's all on you because if we can't protect the Earth you can be damn well sure we'll avenge it and now well apparently she was given the name of n gerb at some point for some reason and that nickname will be plastered across the whole [ __ ] team name because it's all about her right you [ __ ] go girl we then see the first after credits scene in which the Avengers are mourning their loss but they have powered up Fury's pager in an attempt to call whoever it was meant for and sure enough Planck shows up right next to all of the actual characters how the [ __ ] did they manage to find Fury's pager and understand its relevance let alone that it even belonged to fury I have no [ __ ] idea why couldn't she have just shown up because this is where the heroes of Earth gathered how did she get in there with no security activated and no awareness from anyone when she wasn't there just a moment ago well I guess she travelled so fast that she could move through walls or she has even more abilities that were gonna find out about an endgame though it is good to note that she has apparently swapped out the Kree symbol by the time she came back to earth pretty much looks the same but hey props for getting it done even if it was done up to twenty something years later the second after credits scene is of the Lovecraftian cat vomiting up the tesseract explaining why it's back in shields hands in Avengers how does an alien that can consume any men at the same time play to anything it's just a joke Mahler stop thinking about it and finish what a wet [ __ ] fart Captain Marvel is the first sign of major rot in the MCU the idea of changing values when telling a story in motion it's not that we haven't had shitty MCU stories before it's that the shitty ones are often self contained and once they get room to breathe they can be revisited as a sort of stepping stone to something better but plank is so overpowered already that it would be inconsistent of them to write her in such a way that she doesn't overthrow everyone in the MCU as it stands the idea that this bland creature may be leading whatever remains of the characters we've come to know for so many years because she's more altruistic or powerful is sad the irony about leadership here is that the original team is full of power Ironman is not the leader but he makes important decisions and funds the Avengers while having a suit that can take on a god Banner is not the leader but he is the most talented scientist while harboring the hard-to-control game-changing power Thor is not the leader despite being a god from a realm of gods wielding the power of lightning cap is the leader Captain America the man who can run faster than normal is stronger than normal is more agile than normal but a bullet can still kill him he's the man who fought hard for everything he has and is motivated entirely by his love for his friends and what is right he is the leader because he understands the team their strengths their weaknesses and he is a brilliant tactician in Dover many stories of clashing and heartache I don't care whether you can break enormous ships in half while paying barely any attention because I have no idea who you even are or what you mean to the people I care about so let's start there in terms of character plank is a very special case you are the fastest the strongest absolute baddest remind me how does character writing work is it when you have other characters tell the audience over and over again just how smart talented cool badass and interesting the protagonist is is it when instead of having scenes showing us that she values something or that she's been through some hardship we get several montages showing that men have been getting her down her dad is a [ __ ] apparently she's never met a supportive man in her life apparently she is really smart apparently she would choose to be heroic in any situation apparently she is an ace pilot apparently she's really funny apparently I mean yeah if you say it then it must be true movie because that's how you introduce a new character into a world of funny smart powerful and charismatic characters you just put those labels on them to begin with and this is no [ __ ] different from how it starts she is uppity sarcastic powerful and casual about it all in every point in this story which is embarrassing when we're dealing with a character who is partially remembering 20 years of her life across the movie and we ultimately never know if she did get her memory back beyond confirming that she knows she got up from falling over at several points in her life the funny part is that despite the many lines of dialogue devoted to telling the audience what this character absolutely is you still have trouble discerning what the people who've spent six years of your active life with her think because it's so threadbare outside of one of your teammates saying that they didn't get along like if she really had been on several missions with her team in the movie they do a horrific job of showing it during the complete separation she doesn't even ask about them or show any concern and this is doubled down when she's forced to fight them after a potential life of lies she's just quipping and dancing to gwen [ __ ] Stefani so if it was her first mission then the story falls apart but if it was one of her many missions and the characters fall apart the writers are welcome to pick and hell even if these things weren't problems the characters in the story already complete [ __ ] mess anyway I have no idea who plank is or what drives her but the insult to injury is that she leaves in 1995 to come back in 2019 that is a staggering 24 years that she's been missing that is four times as long as she's had men and what she still remembers fury like it was yesterday she spoke to him for less than two hours total across two days more than 20 years ago for [ __ ] sake has she not changed at all it's like she time traveled from the end of her movie to the beginning of a whole other ongoing story I guess she doesn't age or grow she's already at peak which is so awesome you guys know the Spider Man at his best is like super Opie right but the MCU have him as an inexperienced kid because they can effectively nerf him until he learns to control himself and his power while figuring out why he fights in the first place well [ __ ] you plank is already godlike do you guys know that through our Iron Man one Tony Stark keeps managing to achieve victories at major cost every time he makes progress of some sort there's a drawback the film is all about trying and failing but ultimately learning and growing while remembering where you started even at Tony's hero moment when he first defeats Iron Monger and flies proudly in his element victorious thanks to what he's learned before he starts to fall not only for narrative reasons but because it's not over for him he has more to learn space to grow he is always fallible do you guys remember how long it takes him to figure out flight so many failures until some form of progress that leads to near death and finally falling through his own house it's all earned while with plank she's literally just falling through the sky and suddenly decides she can fly on top of everything else there is nothing to set this up and you realize that is here as a character that is her position in the MCU so let me add to the ever-growing list of men telling you not to do something miss Planck get out of the Avengers brie Larson's Captain Marvel does not belong there speaking of which the title of this movie doesn't even come into play narrative Lior in the theme it's worse even than Black Panther at no point does anyone speak the name Captain Marvel she never owns the name Captain Marvel and I would argue it makes sense that she would specifically not choose to take the name marvel over Carole thanks to the events of the film there is a scene that is pivotal to what someone might call her arc where she calls herself Carole over anything else you would expect them to have her say that she would use the name to honor science lady or that it would be great for hiding her real identity but we get nothing perhaps that was cut too as for her rank we do get to see that she was a captain when she was a test pilot for the pegasus project which is quite the achievement that we don't see in practice whatsoever we don't get to see her direct organizing courage or strategize with her team beyond allowing the child to convince her best friend to join her on the life-and-death mission like even the scene with the decoy isn't shown to be her idea or anyone's idea because nothing is planned in the film things just sort of work out we don't even know if she was aware that she was a captain by the end of the film nor do we get to see what she may have experienced to receive that kind of promotion the struggle that was beaten by hardwork and intelligence etc we see a scene in the trailer that looks like she might be getting a promotion alongside some more men that are looking very concerned but this shot doesn't appear in the movie I'm sure the title of the film will be relevant by the time they finish up the second one dare I even compare this to Captain America Jude Law Ben Mendelsohn and Samuel Jackson are neat and I guess in that seeing them act is entertaining because they know what they're doing but their characters are still nothing special cranek is confusing at best playing the straight villain until the film decides he is the leader of an innocent set of refugees and seems to hold no grudge of a plank despite everything she did up to that point like they have this moment where cranek conducts what's essentially a small funeral in secret for one of his dead soldiers showing a lot of care for his men that could be interpreted as menacing on your first watch but this is recontextualized to him just showing that he cares a lot about his people only then remember that plank destroyed his capital ship in the opening just over if she took the lives of potential thousands not to mention how useful it would have been to serve as a vessel to ferry additional refugees and that's the core of his motivation and remember these guys have very few resources remaining they're on the run all of that's great user he should be utterly devastated right well he doesn't even mention this to plank let alone harbor a hatred for her is it because he's too busy making little jokes and being scared of cats and funny scenes sadly despite the performance there isn't much consistency to him and there's certainly nothing alien about him either he acts like a casual dude in almost Racine throws in banter and references like all the rest and how about the fact that once they've sifted through her memory and confirmed she isn't a Cree while she was captured in the beginning of the film cranek gives her a spooky speech about how she doesn't understand her history and he manages to piss her right off to the point where she breaks their [ __ ] ship yeah that's a neat thing for a villain to do I suppose but remember someone else probably wrote the other half of his character so when you think about it why wouldn't he have taken the time to speak to her appeal to her humanity outside of the Cree explained that they desperately need her help and that this is a misunderstanding this would be a pivotal moment for his character he should say white stop please you misunderstand we don't want to hurt you we just need your help instead to bloat the movie and delay the point in which they team up he doesn't seem to give a [ __ ] that his wife and child are locked away waiting for his rescue and so he says with a sinister tone it's like a bad trip in your head they really did a number on you we're just after a little information thanks to this [ __ ] stupid approach she ends up destroying his whole ship so yeah excellent job furious fury though the eye retcon is [ __ ] embarrassing and he's mostly comic relief as opposed to a hardened spy which would be fine if we got something for why he became a hardened spy but even losing the eye is treated as part of the fun so Yongle door was fine he didn't really get to do anything outside of being secretly and then overtly evil there was some form of a relationship with plank but it's almost non-existent and at this point he realized that by having so many characters that are meant to be important to planck's development all of them are stretched way too thin to have a significant impact on her development to begin with Coulson is in this movie he gets nothing to do no insight or background that does anything for his character outside of not tuning in fury when he could have science lady gets barely a few lines of dialogue though I have to wonder why they didn't do more for her relationship with Planck since it seems like the most influential but I suppose the less they explore her the less the audience will question anything right like did science lady really visit her secret lab to work on the call and the higher-ups at Pegasus have no idea like you don't think they'd be interested in where you're going or how you disappear once you get into space and maybe the kind of cloaking tech that would be extremely useful if you can't even be spotted by Scrolls or Kree what was Planck going to be doing with her that day exactly was she just taking her up to the ship to then leave where they're gonna go contact other Scrolls why even take plank with you couldn't you just go yourself is it really because plank demanded to come on the idea of you saving lives alone why would that attribute even matter if all you needed to do was go to the special science station and leave with the other scrolls and hey if the space station ship was always capable of getting the scrolls to safety and she regularly visits it then why hadn't she just used that very station up to this point to save them all why does she need this engine thing in the first place and why let plank him with you and she has absolutely no idea what the [ __ ] you're even doing here in the slightest beyond taking a ship out for a test drive come to think of it why were you being attacked that very day were you leaving because of that because of the attack if this is a sanctioned air force liftoff and it's being hunted down by an alien craft in broad daylight how wouldn't she'll be aware of alien life back in 89 did no one see this no detection already no communication from Planck to any higher-ups outside of the black box that was found why didn't we see this day in the movie for [ __ ] sake I mean even with the very limited information we have why didn't she put the cloaking technology on the extremely important Lightspeed engine ship that you know may have helped you when evading the Kree that [ __ ] attacked and killed you wouldn't it but yeah it's just another wasted character though in relation to the issues of that day there is something else the Kree were actively chasing them down on earth that day so if the Kree were retrieving the technology they need to win wars from Earth when they found science lady then surely they would have sent an army to invade earth since they could then collect all of science ladies work and the origin of the technology they so desperately want I mean if the Kree knew that science lady had made herself a full life on earth then surely they would want to take over if to search for anything to do with that tech and with her even in the event that it was housed in a secret base in Earth's orbit they'd still try and hell if does not stand a chance at stopping them even in 1995 the Cree were about to obliterate us so why not every scene we see Smith Lord he's standing there with his hammer and it just reminds me of Darth Maul and solo so that's probably not good then there's best friend who's just so much more emotive than planky it lacks the sufficient setup to make her a strong character the movie ultimately should have just been about them - which brings us to what you can call the plot which is in tatters before we even have a look back why would the AI appear as the one person of interest in planks history that unlocks her memory of the one moment the Kree want hidden does the AI have no choice it's a Supreme Being that has to form itself in whatever the viewer wants okay they give away who the scrolls are all the time the initial reveal that Fury's partner was a scroll is a secret for about one minute and that's the only time they play with the mechanic it's just a complete waste we know that the Kree Warriors all arrived on a main ship when they finally get to the point of hunting plank and her team on earth but we don't see where it is in the final act nor do we know if they even got back to it it's just like is it floating in orbit with the other million a lien craft that have been in this stupid [ __ ] film does anyone care if Topher was a planet that's in the Kree border then why were they comfortable with bombing the [ __ ] out of them and if it's because the people of TOFA were betraying the curry and working with the scrolls then why would plank reference the ruins of Topher as proof the scrolls do evil things which leaves us with one conclusion from the perspective of plank the Kree are allies with the people of topher they bombed them to try and get rid of a bunch of invading Scrolls and then they were supposed to mop up as best they could but then if the scrolls really were refugees on tour fur as cranek says then the people of tore fur would have been fine with that and thus they would have been either fighting or protesting the Kree right so do the Kree really think it's smart to risk the lie that they tell plank every day being exposed by one random topher citizen I mean hell even a random scroll could just reveal it oh wait they do I really do not understand what the [ __ ] the Kree were trying to do with plank at all why did young GLE door take plank home why did the supreme intelligence accept it as well were they planning on removing her power from here ever or just hoping that she would never betray them despite the extremely dangerous element of him memories slowly coming back to her like do they not care that she regularly tells them she's vaguely remembering what they actually did and for that matter how are we supposed to understand planks history she blows up the engine without really understanding anything about the situation beyond there are aliens and they shot my alien mentor to retrieve this thing and so I guess I'll shoot it to prevent them from getting it and thus a hero is born but let's honestly break it down for a second you take a ray gun from the Kree you fire it at an engine created from technology related to the tesseract and it covered you in goo that turns you into a god K it also knocks you out long enough for you to be taken by yeonggil dog given a blood transfusion of an alien species that doesn't manage to kill you and provided a patch that somehow makes your godlike powers limited that they had on demand and you happen to forget all of this except that they saved you so that they can train you to be one of them hoping that you will never one day remember just one thing that could make you tear the patch off and kill everyone there what the [ __ ] considering that they tell all of their subjects that Scrolls are terrorists while maintaining the complete lies about plank why the [ __ ] would they ever risk here on a mission she could pretty much ruin everything no like she actually does they are so [ __ ] lucky that she forgot they were evil amnesia will be criticized whenever someone uses it in storytelling but this is one of the most egregious examples nothing works in this film unless the character gets amnesia for no reason but even with amnesia did Planck never ask why the Kree would give a random memoryless alien they happen to come across more power than anyone on hala how would they even answer that I mean [ __ ] did she ever ask where she was found who her parents might be how the Kree originally took her from somewhere and gave her a blood transfusion that changed her [ __ ] species which is another thing the will building are we meant to assume that the Kree have been hunting refugees this whole time and no one in the Kree society realized it was a lie despite many many missions have they never come across a single innocent settlement has no scroll prisoner ever mention this or are we assuming that every Cree as a whole is evil and Planck is the only one being lied to also what the hell if shield been doing for years with alien technology [ __ ] the Hitler knockoff energy weapons you have a Kree warships debris floating just above atmosphere the remains of another crash ship in a canyon the destroyed scroll capital ship is up there too not to mention the ship that plank arrived on all the scroll escape pods well how about recognition from the government or the public that there was even a set of huge alien ships in the first place when does anyone ever mention this does it have any effect on anything in the MCU not to mention the [ __ ] insanity that is the cat and the scroll corpse and hey how about the several times that Planck contacted the other sides of the galaxy with a phone that's just sitting near a blockbuster or a records room he'll analyze Fury's pager can literally contact aliens like maybe biology and technology and just awareness in general could have moved on from this but obviously this film is just stapled on to the MCU it's not actually a part of it like it's frustrating to do this but you guys understand why Star Trek explore the whole prime directive thing right do you understand what leaving a mobile phone from modern day would do if left in the 1940s for example actually I'm pretty sure that's the plot in a misfits episode point being is that these aliens are super [ __ ] incompetent and yet we see none of the repercussions of this sloppy approach in the MCU I don't know it's almost like this film just doesn't fit at all like it's just a [ __ ] odd that fury knew about super powerful alien factions in the [ __ ] 90s and yet he's so surprised to deal with Thor and Loki with no mention of Crees girls or Planck herself to anyone or anything you guys remember this exchange from Avengers I like to know why shield is using the tesseract to build weapons of mass destruction because of him last year Earth had a visitor from another planet who had a grudge match that leveled a small town we learned that not only are we not but we are hopelessly hilariously outgunned well [ __ ] that fury met two different alien factions over 15 years ago that were poised to raise earth I guess he just [ __ ] forgot because if they did encounter aliens their technology and new biology to study they could have prepared their best soldiers for it right this is monsters and magic and nothing they were ever trained for obviously not which brings us to more hilarity Planck told fury to call her in for emergencies and yet it's only in the post-credits sequence for infinity war that he actually does that so you're telling me that he didn't call her when a massive alien robot was melting buildings with its face Kay he didn't call here when an army of aliens rampage through New York and a nuclear warhead was used against his will to try and deter them and all of it was brought upon them through the very same [ __ ] device as the one Planck is dealing with in this movie Kay he didn't call her when an alien was trying to usher in permanent darkness while opening portals everywhere causing massive destruction Kay he didn't call her when a psychopathic robot tried to destroy all life on Earth and almost succeeded Kay and then he doesn't call when iron man has taken off wield but he does once he sees a helicopter crash and the Hilton's to dust I mean [ __ ] Planck could have been dust at that point this doesn't make any sense it's a genuine game changer oh yeah this thing could actually destroy ten years of buildup so how's that for a game changer did you guys notice they had four Scrolls in their team when they arrived the one on the train survives one dies in the car with fury one shot by yeonggil door and then we have one left before going to the ship the film forgot the scroll or how about the fact that planks mind is erased of her entire younger life yet she is completely well-adjusted and quippy ain't that neat not to mention how she's told that the only people she is known as allies and tutors for her entire living memory of six years have lied to her and everything is [ __ ] only to have those she's supposed to hate be innocent refugees and she deals with that in about two minutes and moves right along such amazing growth and change there's a lot of talk going around that this is a mid-tier movie like a 5 out of 10 being that it's not bad but it's not great either no this film is really quite awful for both the MCU and itself Bree Lawson's delivery and apathy as a superhero is horrific even for a plank of wood and that's a shame because she's an incredible actress at her best he was trying to trick me okay there wasn't a dog old next told me the world is so big it's so big you wouldn't even believe it and the room is just one stinky part of it but apparently the thoughts she huffed from her Oscar have given her the impression that she can say or do whatever she wants and it's just great it's just a fact it's not a personal opinion it's not a reflection on what you can't do but it is also kind of a reflection on all the news so we have a fog the sheer amount of hero poses in this film along with describing her attributes feels like it's compensation for her lack of emotion and chemistry with anything in the film itself despite the criticism from every character in the film being that she's too emotional it's like a bad joke she's a flatline of a character stop the shapeshifters that are infiltrating your planet are shapeshifters they're shapeshifters oh I'll be out of your hair as soon as I tracked down the scrolls that are infiltrating your planet try to keep up noble warrior hero that's what I'm here to find out I'm ready what are you telling me I've been waiting I have this power but I don't know where it came from wanna fight I'm ready you guys don't have any clue do you did you have a rough day agent fury I think I am I'm kind of done with you telling me what I can't do ah so what about methines well there is a very overt theme of standing up for yourself and owning who you are civil war did the former much better and as for the latter it's a sweet sentiment I suppose to own and proudly project the thing that makes you different as a strength regardless of who says you shouldn't and it can tie into how women have been treated in different aspects of history as well as being a message about humanity as a whole but the setup isn't there we're never given any reason to believe here powers aren't the thing she should always use Yongle door told her not to in the beginning and not only does she literally hit him with the power and win she uses it on him missions as well not to mention she's free to feel snarky angry frustrated concerned annoyed superior and humorous to everyone throughout this movie the only suppression of emotion comes in from the acting side of it no one prevents her from owning exactly who she is and what his strengths are so when she breaks free and uses all of it to her full potential the only change that really occurs is taking off the nicotine patch so yeah nice theme pathetic execution so now let's talk about a theme that was unintended that they will break characters plot and law over and over again in favor of a joke the cat keeps coming with them in several missions for no reason like why take this cat to the Space Station well because funny she ignores the training she's apparently had for six years and says oops when hitting uncle Dover their power funny they blow up the jukebox and it proves nothing while acting is ignored vandalism to see fury react funny the cat is kept in Fury's office on its own little mat despite the extreme danger funny she wastes time with them being detained and shows up fury by choosing to wait before blasting them out of lockup and into the records room at risk of being caught to see fury react funny they scratch out Fury's eye for a gag and then forget to have him care about it funny the cat eats the tesseract despite its raw power and volatility and then keeps it until vomiting it up later funny I'm glad you put gags ahead of storytelling it worked really well for the last Jedi plank simply doesn't grow watch in a way that is earned or understood outside of a surface level comment such as she learned that her emotions were good and she used them to win in the end she is in desperate need of a nerf and of a flaw because not only did she break free of people telling it what to do she wasn't wrong about any of it things just work out for her when she's solely following her own ideas there are countless examples of plank losing a battle being placed in a position of weakness whether it's the arm braces from the beginning jungle doors telekinetic [ __ ] being stuck in the AI goop or falling through the sky every single time she will realize something discovers something or learn something that gives her a second wind but we never know what it is beyond the fact that she gets second wins that's all we ever get from her history just shots of her engaging after a second [ __ ] wind plank is the second wind of MCU heroes she comes out of nowhere counter to what we understand while being wildly inconsistent on her power level until she just becomes opie as [ __ ] to end up saving the day and disappointing the audience to every degree which might serve as strong evidence for that dreaded fatigue who few [ __ ] go girl just so done likable I am glad that slotting Captain Marvel into this universe hasn't torn it asunder because that would be a [ __ ] shame wouldn't it she is the most powerful because GU The Avengers were named after her because photo she saves civilizations because that's good she is a paragon altruistic and beloved because why not and she will be called to save the Avengers thanks I hate it this movie is like criminally mediocre in the entertainment Department while nailing the bad writing like any other mess to erupt out of Hollywood and this video being called an unbridled mare does not mean the film isn't awful it simply means that I save wages for films that could have been great films that pissed me off because they had the resources to generate something that could have stood the test of time while being respectful to what came before and instead they do the complete [ __ ] opposite so when it comes to films like Captain Marvel there's essentially nothing to salvage beyond the superficial I wouldn't add several lines to fix this I wouldn't add or change several scenes I would scrap it and start from the ground up the most impressive achievement the Captain Marvel can boast is convincing most people that it was mediocre when it was in actuality a bloody [ __ ] mess but it was still boring about being awful and I kind of want to forget it exists but whose stain will carry right over to the most anticipated MCU film in history dragging the absolute feeling of mer wherever she goes so [ __ ] yeah I guess but honestly why go with plank first instead of Black Widow a woman who spent her whole life training and taking orders that fought against her own team for what's right showing moments of weakness and failure despite extreme competence she has what you could say is a very unique history possessing nothing supernatural while being integral to many of the victories the Avengers have achieved and that history intertwines with an organization we already know and a deep connection to a character we already know why the [ __ ] didn't we get a widow movie before you agent Barton was sent to kill me he made a different call the less said about the discussion surrounding this film and its marketing the better but I have to say on the poster I saw for this movie in the cinema the trailer itself and one piece of dialogue that also made it into the trailer it seems they were really trying to push the whole hire further faster thing higher for the foster babies but when is that a part of anything it sounds like the kind of thing a family member or a friend would tell her when she was younger and she lived by it or it was the motto of her team that she was a part of and that it eventually inspired her as time went on but I think it may have been cut because I don't see any connecting lines for it in this film in fact I think it's only said in the film once from what I remember and I guess the editor didn't let the marketer know so yeah higher further faster people which comes across as ironic now because she can't get any higher further or faster she can fly she's really smart she can travel at the speed of light she's super funny she's an engineering genius to the point of creating galaxies phone calls she shoots lasers out of her hands she's supportive and kind she can breathe in space she can smash through spaceships she spares those who are worthy while smiting those who need punishment she's the best of the best of the best and you will [ __ ] like her damn it matter no I think the woman power mantle should have gone to anything better than this there you go girl comments are condescending and that is my point this movie is condescending to its audience in both its lack of coherence and its attempt to masquerade as something of a pillar of justice in Hollywood but let's do a short version of this because Longman bad the characters are lifeless contradictive and one note while showing an aversion to growth humility and humanity the story and plot in a general sense is utter nonsense the less you think about it the better in the wheel building is downright insulting showing a complete disregard of what came before in order to facilitate a botched clone of those very stories we have a superhero that gained her powers because she arbitrarily exploded an engine all over herself in an attempt to prevent some aliens from doing something she didn't understand and that's on top of the fact that her humanity starts and stops at don't tell me what to do the overall messaging is virtuous but dull phoning in a basic message about the human spirit while contradicting it in the narrative and damaging the human element by vilifying a large portion of humanity for no other reason than their genitals which feels like a trend now can't just say humanity is great at its best we have to put people down to proper thus up oh [ __ ] off look don't go see this movie it's really bad all you need to know is the plank is super powerful and she's with the Avengers ready for endgame meaning the nightmare is coming right for us Marcus McFeely Rousso I still think you can nail it please please don't let this pale beige flavored wafer with godlike powers destroy everything just let it end well that's all I ask if we do this how do we know it's gonna end any differently than it did before because before you didn't have me you I don't even know who I am

Channel: undefined

Views: 4,710,821

Rating: 4.7452874 out of 5

Keywords: Rant, Rage, spoilers, discussion, movies, films, review, Angry, lore, Death, terrible, worst, awful, The, script, assessment, bad, meh, sigh, boring, brie, larson, captain, marvel, mcu, cinematic, universe

Id: Keooxe5x6Ts

Length: 111min 22sec (6682 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 18 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/InquisitorGoldeneye]

Okay; about Captain Marvel's 'lack of character arc' and how other M.C.U. characters 'struggle' and 'earn' their powers:

What you're obviously not getting is that they are men, so they need to change & grow & be better, but Carrol is a woman, so of course all she needs to do is realise how perfect she is already, and stop letting men oppress her with their patriarchies & such, you misogynist.

[u/Lafreakshow]

They should have called the movie "Captain Convenience"

[u/x2spooky4me]

Meh

[u/Mjb35]

I have seen every Marvel movie prior... but the nonsense hyping up this movie made me want to stay far away from it

[u/Mjb35]

Hahah Plank

Almost as good as Shrek

[u/[deleted]]

MauLer obviously didn’t understand that this movie is objectively perfect. You get to look at women in it!

[u/General-Naruto]

Jesus Christ this was a mess.
The movie.

[u/YOUREABOT]

Meh is a huge understatement Lol great video as always

[u/Lord_Mhoram]

I hoped he would talk about how his own opinion of the movie soured as he reflected on it, because that seems to be a common reaction to these modern blockbusters. I suppose that would be more appropriate for an analysis than in a Rage/Meh, though.