Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom: An Unbridled Rage

dear that one guy who works for universal and has flagged each of my jurassic videos down manually every single clip in this video is sourced from your own company's promotional material please take the time to watch through this video and realize that the content created by your company has been completely transformed to not only be absolutely distinguishable from its origin but also act as criticism for the god-awful movie they decided to release I've paid for the damn ticket to see this fucking garbage and your attempts to make money from me are silenced may have been bloody annoying please reconsider hitting this video with a claymore strike because this time around I will fight you till the end you have absolutely no right to silence those who rightfully criticize your shitty movie get over it or hire better writers but overall fuck off [Music] what was that well the first one was kind of a train wreck so let's see how this one goes but Mahler this is about dinosaurs it doesn't need to make sense the first damn film made sense the rest of them forgot what sense is and that's what bothers me howling good gods we opened up at ela Nublar and a team of idiots are trying to collect a sample of the now dead indominus rex that was dragged into the den of the Mosasaurus you remember that right guys yeah okay good they opened up a door that connects the Mosasaurus den to the ocean somehow wasn't the whole point of that enclosure not to be connected to the ocean have you retconned it so that something can now escape movie that's a not so clever girl in the little bathysphere exploring the den we have one of the two men explicitly states that everything here is long dead we know that these guys work for the bad guy in the film and the plan for the bad guy is to retrieve eleven different species or something on the islands so they do indeed know that things actually live here making the line utterly retarded and well the Mosasaurus is still in there and it eats them no I'm not kidding it just eats them but before that happened they were able to quickly find the corpse of the indominus rex and a bone was successfully sawn off for retrieval imagine if they had taken it up with them on the pod that bone would have been lost lucky meanwhile the guy operating the door that connects the den to the ocean gets attacked by a t-rex that popped up just in time and as a result his iPad was only half loading the door closing and being crushed prevents it from closing the door now why wouldn't it be binary you hit close and the door closes wide you need a constant connection to the iPad a system like that sounds incredibly unsafe and downright ineffective proven by the fact that the Mosasaurus actually escapes so um yeah oh and the guy with the iPad died as well because for some reason his headset didn't allow him to talk to people on the helicopter you know his team they had to try and shout to him that there was a t-rex standing behind him and so he was too late and he got finished off by the Mosasaurus what is even happening here how far after the first film are we who are these people what the hell are they doing this is a nonsensical attempt at retrieving a sample why do it at night why do you have so few people why do you have no precautions why do you believe everything is dead they have the tech to open up the gate so they should know a hell of a lot more about this island than they clearly fucking do could you not scan for the Mosasaurus it can't hide the motherfucker is enormous and the pen is actually limited it's okay we got to see a guy get eaten it was so cool let's move on we then get an expositional news report that basically says there's a volcano active on the island it was there the whole time and now it's about to erupt so everyone's arguing over whether or not the dinosaurs should be saved I find it ridiculous that everyone on earth has apparently left this island alone aside from activists up to this point but apparently that is the case these things are worth millions they are one-of-a-kind they are unguarded they are perfect for the black market nobody apparently gives a shit and only activists are interested in them okay we then get to catch up with dr. Ian Malcolm and you should remember him because he starred in the other jurassic films no not to mention that they made sure to remind you that he was absolutely gonna be in this film he is back there are incredible new dinosaurs an exploding volcano and dr. Ian Malcolm's back Taiwan this is dr. Malcolm Jeff Goldblum not gonna lie that's pretty awesome an exploding island and Jeff Goldblum's back hello everybody I'm Jeff Goldblum and she I'm so I'm thrilled to be back as dr. Ian Malcolm so I can't wait to see his involvement with a story let's let's check out his fish scene shall we Malcolm argues that we shouldn't save the dinosaurs as they are incredibly dangerous thus people begin to call him a murderer in the crowd this is priceless considering the history of this continuity and what happens when they end up trying to get these things over to civilized society but fuck it they don't remember apparently which means he's a murderer and that's the end of the scene looking forward to him popping back really AM so then we see the mostly named annoying robotic lady who outran a t-rex in heels can I call her heels I'm cool heels heels since we last saw her set up some kind of organization where she tries to rescue the dinosaurs or at least push the idea that they should be rescued her opening dialogue is about how she is trying to get funding which raises the question of how do they generate money to even have what they have now how can they make a difference when they aren't visiting or supporting the island whatsoever why are so many people working for them with nothing to do and no way to be paid there's like 20 of these fuckers why what do you even do wring senators and maintain a fucking website for three years why are you putting this much effort into saving dinosaurs anyway those things are dangerous if you didn't catch the memo the motivation for this entire organization as stated by the film is heels explaining that we shouldn't allow a world where our children could grow up without dinosaurs which kids can look at the damn pictures in a book like I did for fuck's sake children get amazed by car keys we don't need dinosaurs just for them make a better argument let's not risk several lives here for no reason you know what why are all the dinosaurs inexplicably isolated on this island anyway how haven't the pterodactyls escaped like the ones from the third film and the fourth film I find it unbelievable that the island has been untouched for three fucking years when we have so many factions that would kill to get their hands on them and they have shown that people can get here outside of the law easily to get involved with dinosaurs and I feel like a fucking alien in this world because there is such a thing as site B remember Isla Sorna it was the island of choice in the lost world in Jurassic Park 3 an island with a shit ton of dinosaurs all roaming free does anyone want to talk about that one are people going to poach from that one are they rights to discuss about the dinosaurs on that island everyone in this film keeps saying that if Easler new blurs destroyed then the dinosaurs go extinct but that simply isn't true you have strong references to the classic film you have dr. Ian fucking Malcolm enjoy the benefits you get by referencing these fan favorite elements but if you're gonna do that you can't ignore your own continuity you silly bastards but yeah we'll building isn't a thing films like to do these days they don't even try so fuck it I mean in fairness people believe that you shouldn't consider the second and third films to be Canon and that there is promotional material to explain that they moved all the dinosaurs from site B to a this just adds way more Universal questions to the movies but I'm cutting that shit at the roots it should absolutely have been mentioned in the films so it ain't good right in folks heels is then called by Benjamin Lockwood John Hammonds ex-partner that helped clone dinosaurs he was apparently some kind of right-hand man to Hammond and they broke up before the events of Jurassic Park oh you don't remember him from the other films well it's because he doesn't fucking exist he's a discount John Hammond to make this seem like it actually fits in with the story of the first film it doesn't they even bait our sense of nostalgia with a painting of Hammond himself it's not gonna work film you actually need to be good first also there is a little girl in the mansion she will matter at some point remember her anyway discount Hammond says that heels should go and save all the dinosaurs from Alana blur she can bring them to a new piece of land they have created and they can be protected and live and whatever his main statement is these creatures don't need our protection they need our absence spoken on ironically as he explains the plan to abduct them monitor them and deliver them to this piece of land that is surrounded by barriers since they will die without human intervention and protection dumbass and let's not forget by the way that the quote he is referencing from Hammond in this scene is from the lost world these creatures how's that for erasing the second and third films from continuity yeah I didn't think so apparently they need heals and her crew because this whole thing is illegal and her access will get them to the scanner that shows where all the dinosaurs are it then turns out there's some young dude who works for discount Hammond he is the one who will organize everything for him these days and if you saw the trailer we already know he's evil so bad guy then says that she needs to bring in star-lord since he's the only one that can capture blue and blue is the super important Dino that they absolutely must capture apparently so she agrees to the expedition and goes to convince star-lord to come the main argument she uses on him is how much he cares about blue commenting on how blue is practically his kid obviously the fact that he's been building a cabin for three years means he is totally desperate to get back to his surrogate child he hasn't completely forgotten about the love he shares for the overgrown feral chicken that betrayed him twice and thankfully star-lord pretty much says he's not interested and neither should she be but heals tells him he's a good man so all we can draw from this is that apparently star-lord and heels broke up after they got together from the last film which was after they broke up and after they got together originally leading them to get together in this film but what the fuck ever the writers think it's cute to keep tearing them apart and slamming them back together so we're gonna have to watch another film of that I guess so that night star-lord checks out some old recordings of him and blue bonding when she was a puppy dinosaur and it's adorable the point is that he's coming to cuz why the fuck not we then get two new characters along with the ones we already have tech guy who is good with tech and biology girl who is good with biology on dinosaurs despite never having seen a dinosaur in real life the film points this out as if it totally makes sense okay they eventually arrive at ela Nublar and we find that there is already a huge set of foot soldiers here teams of people preparing for the Dino capturing basically the lost world again and I'm gonna pause here I'm not mad okay I'm not mad let's just think about this a little bit more the island is filled with dinosaurs there's no protection on it since people can just roll up illegally without being stopped and these guys are the only faction that tried to take a dinosaur you're telling me that people are going to end up shelling out millions by the end of this film to buy these things upwards of 30 million for a single dinosaur and none of them care about getting as many as they want of any species for free in the last three years this is public knowledge it was a massive worldwide park its shutdown would have been a major story throughout the world could you imagine how many poachers or pirates would try for this shit there could be a full-on industry help that is the point the film is making at the end that you could set yourself up for life by selling just one of them it should be easy since some of them escaped already remember yeah fuck it turn your brain off we're having fun our team of heroes is joined by Buffalo Bill who will play the evil hunter for this film first thing they do is rip off Jurassic Park because I mean what else happen in these films outside of the scene where they all look surprised by the Brachiosaurus walking past we've got to get that one in don't we folks next buffalo bill takes them to a base to activate a tracking system that has to be activated by heels and no one else and it lights up all the dinosaurs on the island heels and tech guys stay in the station and the rest go to capture blue while the troops all captured dinosaurs across the island they eventually reach blue and star-lord calms it down but one of the troops fires a tranq a little too early I don't know why the troops are evil so that's probably enough for him to do it I suppose blue kind of flips out because of this and tries to eat one of the troops so they shoot it with a single pistol shot and she's down now try and follow me on this cuz the film starts to lose its shit as a result of what just happened star-lord charges Buffalo Bill and Bill shoots him with a sedative which then leads to biology person pulling a gun on Bill and she says if they shoot here she can't save blue and so they make a deal to let her live in exchange for saving the Raptors life so they all leave to evacuate the island with blue and the dinosaurs leaving star-lord behind knocked out on the ground I'm sorry I cannot resist what the fuck the good guys are blown away by the fact that the troopers just shot a fucking dinosaur when she was in the process of killing a man since when do we value the lives of dinosaurs over the people in this expedition why is it unreasonable to shoot a dinosaur that's eating your face the good guys are again blown away by Buffalo Bill then shooting stolid with a tranq when it's absolutely reasonable I probably would have done the same thing if I was holding a tranquilizer rifle and a muscle built angry man was charging at me but no this makes him reprehensible now thirdly we have the biology asshole pulling a gun on bill because what he defended himself she's taking a strong forward step to defend someone she doesn't even know here like why does she care so much about star-lord better yet why doesn't she care about him at all seconds later think about this for fuck's sake biology asshole decides to threaten bill's life for the sole reason that her friend was shot with a tranq Buffalo Bill looks pretty confused and then he says well yo outgunned I'm not kidding the biology person just picks up the gun and demands not to be killed when they didn't even have guns on her in the first place is the dialogue missing here I know the troops are evil the trailer makes it very clear but you could have had a better reason for the tune than this nonsense on top of it we have biology girl just agreeing to leave star-lord behind why not demand that he's taken with you otherwise you won't save the Raptor why are you leaving him to die do you not care oh is this so we can have that funny scene where he's arms one by one to escape the lava it's annoying to think that this entire scenario was created because one of the troopers fired too early with his tranq gun other than that everything is to plan from the perspective of the good guys like I said the film treats it like one faction betrays the other here which they actually do a little bit later but they haven't done it yet all I can see here is the troops protecting themselves and their own men why was the trooper too early anyway what exactly was stolid going to do in this scenario that would have made tranquilizing blue more reasonable in a minute from now and should I even bother mentioning that putting a man down with a tranq meant for a dinosaur should probably have some repercussions like I don't know I imagine it would kill him instead he just wakes up about 10 minutes later anyway the troops then head into the beach to try and evacuate the animals but because betrayal is now in effect they lock heels and tech guy into the station that monitors the dinosaurs in an attempt to kill them meaning that they definitively want to kill the four good guys now so why didn't they execute star-lord god dammit stop punishing me for thinking so bill calls bad guy and they talk about how innumerably important blue is and he will get a bonus for it this is important for later meanwhile tech guy in heels begin to see lava pouring into the station and I guess that's how the bad guys expected them to die there that's just silly but the tech guy almost easily hacks a door open which the bad guy should have known about because he did it right in front of them earlier and he even insulted them for swimming he couldn't do it so why was this the plan to kill them instead of shooting them that's really fucking silly tech guy then hacks the terminal and opens up this random ridiculously long tube that leads outside instead of them using the ladder to go up Lior opening the front door they open a giant tube us just fucking silly why the big tube for fuck's sake unluckily for them the moment they opened this giant tube a random dinosaur's happens to walk in the other end he's big enough to be a massive threat but small enough of course to fit in the tube and the room why not it's not like that would be fucking silly so the creature gets in but the lava falling in through the ceiling protects our heroes as they climb up the ladder to safety and my god fuck off you stupid see the volcano is now erupting violently and once they get atop the facility heels and tech man bumped right into star-lord as he's running from the lava well gee isn't that lucky I wonder if he'll end up saving them they run together until they bump right into one of the old gyrus fear things gee that's just such gosh Don luck but they can't get into it right away so they decide to hide behind a log and I shit you not the dinosaurs begin to slowly chop away at it piece by piece from either side reducing it down to a nub instead of just going through the center straightaway it's so laughably done I'm just reminded of Kill Bill so there's a few dinosaur fights explosions and screaming that leads to our group falling into the ocean right before the volcano catches up and yeah star-lord gets engulfed by volcanic smoke I don't science so if you should be dead here then I mean cool but did you know I don't know it looks cool that's obviously what they were going for and then we get the scene where the submerged ball is sinking slowly and filling with water it's mostly a single sharp panning around with loads of interaction from the creatures the eruption and star-lord swimming around as he looks for a way to get them out um yeah it was pretty awesome god damn my cold dead heart just had to beat there didn't it so they make it to shore and star-lord explains that it was a double cross he doesn't go into any detail about it because there is nothing that they were doing that wasn't a part of the plan so I'm just confused for our characters heels even shouts that it was all a lie which isn't something she can say yet because like I said everything is going to plan the rescue of these dinosaurs is still in effect what's the lie exactly at what I understand that they tried to kill you here but I feel like this dialogue is only present because the movie one to just go along with the bad guys being bad guys from the audience and character perspective when we haven't even heard from the auction yet we don't know anything about it and by the way we're almost halfway through the film this is practically an admission that if not for the one trigger-happy guy earlier everything would be running as if there were no bad guys please get your plot together film what the fuck you're doing we then see Buffalo Bill yank a tooth right out of the jaw of a herbivore this is incredibly important because the third act rests on this point no I'm not fucking kidding this guy's teeth collecting habit will define the finale for this film so please remember it heels then declares that the only reason they had all of the good guys come was to capture Blu all of them were for that purpose and nothing else anyway the troops all leave the island on the boat and our heroes are right behind them in what is a wonderfully summer action blockbuster scene they bump into a vacant truck and use it to drive off the edge of the dock and land on the ship incredible should I point out how stupid it is that it was left that close to the ship instead of used by the other people especially when there was apparently a space for it and that space ends up being perfect for our heroes not to mention that no one seems to care to check who was driving that truck since all of the troopers are supposed to assume these guys are dead but whatever heals puts a hat on so it's fucking fine apparently soon after that there's this really well shot but utterly cheesy moment where a Brachiosaurus is standing at the dock staring at the ship leave while making complainy sounds the smoke engulfs it and I think we're supposed to cry most of the people on the ship do but why is there only one dinosaur on this dock where the hordes why does it look at the boat like it'll save him when he can't possibly understand what it even is and it's just so bizarre that they built the park next to this volcano I suppose it was doormen at the time so that makes sense it's just so sad heels cried she cries a lot the bad guy that meets up with Arnim Zola he's in the film to play the evil auctioneer and now the audience finds out what the nefarious purpose behind all of the troopers was they are capturing dinosaurs to sell them on the black market to make millions meaning this scene should have been edited in well before the blue scene because it would actually make this a lot easier to follow but whatever bad guy pitches zola that he can sell the dinosaurs to the military because why not they try this stupid bullshit before remember that these animals place thousands of coops on the ground how many lies with that same war is part of nature the film was criticized for this but they doubled down for the sequel laughably there's an attempt to justify it as if the writers are talking to the critics by bringing up how humans have used animals in combat throughout history the examples are horses which yes but we have vehicles now dumbass elephants which yes but we have tanks now dumbass and finally diseased rats he references the use of diseased rats during war to explain why we should pick up using dinosaurs in war for Christ's sake you know what I'm gonna come back to that he goes on to say that the indominus rex took down the entirety of jurassic world alone it's an incredible weapon and a great basis for the new creatures while basically pointing to the bone from the beginning but the security system and well the plot of that film is utter horseshit I might make a video for it at some point but until then you can always watch Wolff eviscerated instead yeah I know he's absolutely the worst thing on the planet I know but Jurassic world is even worse link in description so anyway they have apparently created a brand new dinosaur to rival the indominus rex called the endo Raptor it's the indominus rex but smaller than without the ability to camouflage or the ability to be undetectable thermally also it has a yellow stripe how is this an improvement well he goes on to say that thanks to star Lords research it follows human commands I can't wait to see how they're gonna explain that fucking nonsense anyway the little girl overheard the whole conversation and she decides to share it with discount Hammond so we get the fuck in not now kiddo trope where he tells her to go to bed because she's too young to be up despite the fact that she is telling him directly that his inheritor is going to auction off the dinosaurs and betray his entire life's work despite the fact that she is that specific and direct about it he says oh you must have misheard them huh he then moves on to say that he'll listen to her in the morning not now which if you've seen any other film before you know that means he's already dead so we cut back to the ship and our heroes find that blue is bleeding to death still from that gunshot you know the one from hours ago yeah blue is still alive despite hemorrhaging since the shot that's the word the film uses by the way not me how do you survive hemorrhaging for hours when you're a fucking velociraptor that's just so star-lord then declares to all the characters that this whole thing is for an auction I don't know how he found this out I think there's a scene that's been cut because he'd like didn't ask a random soldier or hear a conversation they treated as though he watched the scene with Zola like we did either way he knows now whatever so I have to ask the bad guy something here in relation to what we saw earlier if the reveal is going to be that the animals are being auctioned off instead of saved which will turn the good guys against you and they can only find out about this as early as being well into the boat ride then you could have had the good guys helping you all the way up to now you could easily have maintained the lie in fact the good guys are risking their lives to save a dinosaur despite knowing the truth right now a dinosaur that you want alive to get more money for so why not play it cool and capture them or kill them once they find out the truth instead of betraying them as early as the moment you down blue as far as they knew you were still helping them for fuck's sake it's such a bizarre circumstance the tranq dart they shot into star-lord could easily have been shaken off as a misunderstanding like funnily enough when it happens in Jurassic Park 3 they knock out Grant and it's just treated as fine because that's some Inhumans do do when you get angry but no the bad guys are just retarded yeah the story is still working out for them obviously once we get to act 3 that won't be the case anyway they need to get a transfusion for blues and she's bleeding out still and then there's there's some dialogue that actually happens that this is this is dialogue from the film okay biology girl says you have to get a carnivore because only carnival blood will work and it has to be one with two or three fingers why is it because those requirements means that the subject has to be the t-rex if we ignore the fact that they clearly wrote this to involve the t-rex in a fanservice e-way how in the world does the t-rex blow work on a velociraptor exactly wouldn't the Raptors blood reject the shit out of that since they're completely different species for this whole film is so well written so biology girl sends them to go get the blood they open up the cage of the t-rex and fumble around it for a while until they get to SAP the blood out into the bag and there's this tension-filled moment where the dinosaur breaks free of its leg chain they nearly eats star-lord after roaring its lungs out but then they successfully get out with the blood and walk back and save blue well well what the fuck why are they no stationed guards on the Torana fucking soros rex seems like the one that's most dangerous so you might want to have someone keeping an eye on it you idiots I mean what's the worst that could happen I guess it's chains could be broken open come to think of it why is it so easy to do that when the cage is designed for a goddamn t-rex do they not need to repair that now is it going to escape it's all tied up later so I don't how does this shit work like why was no one alerted so the fucking roars and destruction of the cage not to mention the chains being broken the screams from heals some guys literally went past one minute before and they don't hear all of this come on also how the fuck did she know how to do this to a t-rex to SAP blood out of it oh wait I know why biology lady asks if anyone can find a vein and I shit you not he'll says this I did a blood drive once for the Red Cross since fucking when was that a thing she just did a blood drive with the Red Cross at some point and found someone's vein which now leads her to be able to get blood from a Tyrannosaurus Rex what is what happened to the script we then cut to the little girl breaking into the underground lab below the mansion no I don't know what the hell she's doing here let's find out she walks into a random room and just you know sits a chair and goes to computer and hits the spacebar on a video died okay apparently someone left it on and that's the thing she wanted to do lucky there's no security or workers around a like I don't know the specific worker who left this on screen fuck it the video showed that the Raptors would attack star-lord if ever he showed himself to be weak while blue would nurture him blue is morally and empathetically superior to the other Raptors which is kind of bullshit considering the previous movie but this is here to set up blue as the superhero of the franchise so just fucking go with it and it's lucky that the little girl and the audience saw this video because without that it would be very difficult to accept blue as a superhero later on but it doesn't stop there the little girl discovers dr. Wu remember him from the last one yeah neither do i well he's been working on this project and it is revealed that he wants blue because she can imprint on the next Indo Raptor providing it empathy and obedience do they realize that blue is not fucking empathetic or obedient when it comes to the people she eats yes she likes star-lord but let's assume that's fucked because of this fiasco not to mention the surgery the blue wailed and cried through I doubt she's gonna trust anyone anymore what is it you hope to achieve here have the new thing look at blue as a mother so it'll listen to you every plan you ever come up with for control ends in a fucking mess and yet you constantly assume you got it this time oh god that's the theme isn't it man creates that which it cannot hope to control people are gonna justify the writing with the themes again No so then the little girl is caught by bad guy and locked in her room meanwhile our heroes wake up and see that they are running out of time before reaching port tech guy gets pulled away to help a sailor move rope this is very random at first but it will become incredibly important without a lick of sense behind it later so remember that they move all the dinosaurs from the ship onto a convoy our heroes join the convoy in a truck and move with it discount Hammond has a meeting with bad guy apparently he now knows for a fact what he's done I'm gonna go ahead and hazard a guess that his Butler told him he says what's happening is wrong and that he will definitely call the police if he wasn't so old frail and near death so he asks bad guy to just do it for him so instead bad guy just kills him he he says his motivation is making money and then he just kills him just scraping the bottom of the barrel for narrative progression here aren't we he also has the iconic walking stick smashed in this scene and no I'm not making any jokes about how it represents the Jurassic franchise since that shit was dead from the second and third films alone [Music] fucking ring toad dinosaur stupid our heroes are then spotted and captured by Buffalo Bill moments before they can make an escape it's actually kind of lame not unrealistic just lame sitter running when they were at the dock or separating from the convoy at all at some other point hell they could even have had heels jump out into the forest but nah they just waited for an off road to get to a town and wouldn't you know it right before they could bill captured them the dinosaurs are then taken down into the basement of the research center and locked up as is the same for star-lord and heals the villain is then given his opportunity to share his motivation in full explaining what his purpose here is and it's fucking laughable he explains that he wants to exploit the animals for money just like heals did all those years ago by signing off on the indominus rex so you see they are no different and I shit you not she is stunned by this she has no argument for him but since I do this shit for a living let me help you heals your fucking tool heals considers her actions in Jurassic world to now be morally wrong and has since tried to rectify them by creating her dumbass help center for dinosaurs that they don't have access to however stupid it may be this means she thinks that you are doing something wrong and that she's made this same mistake before secondly bad guy lied to everyone involved outside of the mercenaries he lied to get the specialist to come and he lied to discount Hammond to fund everything heals didn't lie to anyone when she signed for the indominus rex thirdly it was a product she helped create and sell on a legal market the public understood what they were buying as did those who were developing it bad guys doing this illegally with an attempt to run it through the black market instead finally bad guys willing to have people kidnapped and killed to complete his vision while heels canceled the entire thing once a single life was threatened you two are very fucking far away from each other in terms of characters but heels is too retarded to understand that this is such a weak effort to make the villain understandable please tried a little harder next time also bad guy says the star load failed to realize how he could have sold his work which still doesn't make sense since all he did was feed Raptors and hang around as they grew up this is apparently revolutionary and making the dinosaurs something obedient despite the fact that they actively tried to mu-2 him so the conversation ends with bad guy saying that as far as the world is concerned star-lord and heals both burned up on the island but he doesn't kill them he just keeps them in prison for no fucking reason at all brilliant so anyway the little girl escapes her room and finds discount Hammond has died so she goes down the dumbwaiter before anyone can find her meanwhile the bad guy and Zola welcome the buyers to the auction lucky for our heroes they discover that there is a Stiggy Moloch in the cell next to theirs what is that seriously in the promotional stuff in a stinky Moloch whatever so it's like a video game star-lord can just whistle and the thing will attack the wall he is near thus releasing both the dinosaur and our heroes from their cells it's that fucking easy folks why didn't you just kill them bad guy was it because they can escape and fuck everything up we then see the auction is in full effect and the assets are being sold for millions wait millions I honestly would expect these things to sell for a hell of a lot more considering every aspect of what they represent and how difficult they are to acquire but there we are not gonna focus on that not a dinosaur salesman just a YouTube scientist so the dinosaurs are sold and some are transported immediately with the black market person who bought them sure to return in a sequel meanwhile our heroes bump into the little girl and try to escape with her she went down to the basement for some reason I don't know then the auction is introduced to the endo Raptor it's given massive praise and the audience goes wild trying to buy it our heroes witness it and decide that they can't let it leave the area they have to stop it the endo Raptor of which I shall simply call Yello because of a goofy strip they gave it to oppose blue very clever film is revealed to have a lazing target system that allows it to hang on they have a gun it shoots a laser the laser has to target something and then they hit a button and it makes it so that the endo Raptor goes insane and tries to kill whatever that laser was pointing at so this is going to have military applications this is what you consider to be following human commands alright what the fuck they said star Lords research has helped them figure out controlling this thing it responds to human commands how is it that you managed to convert some research like a random fucking guy feeding puppy like creatures bits of meat to laser technology that can render a hyper-intelligent Raptor into a fuckin housecats how the fuck does that work I love all this things potency is explained by it coming from the bone of the fucking indominus rex and that thing managed to destroy Jurassic world remember except it escaped because some fucking idiot opened a door because everyone walked inside its fuckin paddock before checking its goddamn tracker fuck you the indominus rex was just lucky in that film it even got killed by a t-rex and don't forget the pterodactyl bit with the fucking helicopter huh my god that movie sucked the point here is you need to give up the militarization bullshit it is so cartoony and stupid dinosaurs are knocked out with as much as one fucking bullet as shown in this film they would be shit in a war dinosaurs need to be fed sheltered groomed and rested they are massive creatures with massive needs they would be shit in a war dinosaurs need to be able to actually tell the difference between civilians and enemies I guess that feeding them from birth will make it so they never attack their own team like blue does fuck off us stupid they would be shit in a war dinosaurs a weak - gasps wonky terrain explosives enemy shrapnel there are also huge targets they would be shit in a war what the hell are they gonna do against a shotgun run up to a guy and fucking hope he doesn't fire they would be shit in a war don't try and justify it by referencing the fact that Soviets once used diseased rats how the fuck is that the same thing you donkey oh I'm sorry was I supposed to turn my brain off that's how you enjoy bad films right so star-lord decides that in order to prevent the Endor Raptor from leaving the area he will unleash the Stiggy Moloch onto the crowd while he stops the endure Raptor from being provided to the customer fuck off you completely idiotic cretin z-- how do you not foresee this incredibly stupid decision for what it is releasing that dinosaur will kill many people why are you doing it all right to prevent a different dinosaur from being released resulting in killing people when it was already caged for fuck's sake lo and behold the Stiggy Moloch starts arbitrarily killing people several are impaled while other's backs are simply broken while this is happening star-lord dust dominate all of the enemy soldiers in a fight why well he's been retired for three years and an animal trainer for several years before that but he was in the Navy at some point so that means he can beat all of these armored armed and trained fucking guards he seriously wipes through five of them and achieves his goal of making yellow stay in the room while many of the customers have just been killed in the background so buffalo bill shows up he's demanding his pay for the capture of the animals and he's interested in how crowds of people are fleeing in terror from the building we also see the stinky Moloch run away so there's another loose end for you but yellow is still confined to a cage so everything's okay right there's no threatening bad guy in this film well bill goes into the room and I'm not fucking kidding here he hits yellow with two tranq darts and walks into its cage while leaving the fucking cage door open and goes to try and get a tooth why the fuck would he do that this is so beyond stupid fuck you film fuck IVA not having any faith in your audience's brains you couldn't even try to write something better than that to release the movie monster every goddamn time in these films it's always some stupid reason the whole point about this is being unable to control life life that through chaos finds a way to escape the bonds we put on it in the first place why is it that the first film is the only one that actually manages to send this message the rest of them just throw their fucking hands up in the air and say well I don't know the t-rex just killed everyone on board somehow or they all walked into the enclosure because they were fucking curious about the deadliest predator on the planet or some stupid asshole has a teeth collection fuck you so the raptor wakes up and eats bill shocking from there it turns out the solar hasn't actually left the room and decides that now is his opportunity to run what the fuck have you been doing this whole time you absolute Wonka he gets into the elevator and closes it before yellow can reach him but yellow accidentally breaks the elevator button and it just opens up the door resulting in Zola's death we need to have a chat about merciless killings film also need I remind you that we are now in a position with a genetically modified dinosaur is the one that's going to be killing people again and who's gonna stop it well it's gonna be the same people again whoo-hoo so then we have this utterly fucking bizarre scene where our heroes bump into the bad guy and he just explains to our heroes and the audience that the little girl is a fucking clone she is a clone apparently discount Hammond made a clone of his daughter because she died in a car crash and the little girl is that clone actual Hammond broke off their partnership because of that and I find myself asking oh my god who the hell cares we barely fucking knew this girl we don't know discount Hammond at all this reveal is fucking pointless unless it's going to be the reason for something later our god anyway yellow arrives and kills The Bodyguard people nobody cares then dr. Wu and his supplies are shipped off-site so he can return for the third film wonderful at the same time tech guy just fucking shows up he was asked to carry off a bit of rope and work as a sailor now he's a scientist helping dr. Wu how did that happen using this position he frees biology girl and she frees blue onto the remaining soldiers who are so inept they can't fire a fucking gun when more than a meter away from a dinosaur resulting in their deaths we have a last Jedi moment here - the room is filled with people then the tech guy does some traitor stuff and then they're all just gone by the time he turns around they're all out of earshot as well apparently because there's lots of screams and gunfire wonderful filmmaking did I mention by the way one of the bullets that were randomly fired during the scene opened up a canister of gas ready to blow our hero's sprint from the room immediately but blue hasn't quite gotten the realization yet but once blue sniffs the gas she realizes it's about to blow and so jumps out of the room like Ethan fucking Hunt just before the flames reach her this is so cheesy as a result of all this Chemical X begins to seep into the compound threatening the lives of all the dinosaurs that are locked up and then instead of escaping yellow has decided to chase the ever-loving shit out of the little girl to the point where it climbed all the way over the roof of the mansion to the other side and drops down into her room where she's hiding why not escape you retarded Turkey you're supposed to be intelligent stop hanging around I would also like to point out that this thing is free as a result of star-lord and to prevent it from getting free so next up there is a scene where stolid shoots yellow with three live bullets it does nothing and he runs out of ammo I don't even with this fucking film is yellow immune to bullets now you even gonna bother explaining that one of course fucking not not to mention that star-lord only had three bullets in the gun damn that's just unlucky anyway moments before they die blue comes in and saves the day she seriously beats the shit out of yellow just as much as the reverse happens over and over again until they all end up somehow on a roof blue yellow eels star-lord little girl they're all there and it's like a big standoff because the roof is dangerous and you could fall right through it so heels comes up with the fantastic idea of using the gun with the laser sight on star-lord and it's clear by the end of the scene that she wanted yellow to jump for him and kill itself but until that even comes close to happening it honestly looks like she wants to fucking kill him and I couldn't help but laugh she just lays him up when she could have done the exact same fucking thing with the floor he was on or the roof itself but she didn't even try that so yellow jumps and blue jumps onto it to make sure it falls down and slams yellow onto the horns of the fossil below them in the trophy room look how big that fucking room is what are the odds it fell through the only dangerous part fuck you so the endo Raptor is just dead died the exact same way as the master did for fuck's sake but it's not over our heroes returned to the control room because they have to decide to free the dinosaurs onto the world or let them die in captivity to chemical X they decide to let them die since anything else would be a massive fucking mistake but unbeknownst to the adults the little girl hits the button and sets them free and she says it's because they are clones like she is what the fuck woman are they actually employing the naive animal lover trope here as well come on do you know how many people these creatures will kill have killed in your own universe how many carnivores you just released there are four adults in that room and you couldn't stop her so as a result of this the main bad guy yeah him he's just standing outside he didn't leave this whole fucking time we last saw him just after star-lord beat up those five guys ages ago and since then he's only made it to his fucking car a handful of meters fuck you film so obviously he gets eaten by the t-rex cuz the t-rex is essentially the hero at the end of a film that eats the bad guy no I don't know why they keep doing this it's getting really weird cuz the t-rex is also a horrible monster in these films but whatever but yeah he's dead his men are dads and the deaths just keep clocking in hope you're happy children of the world to see these dinosaurs hope it was worth all these people's lives blue then turns up and says that you know I like you star-lord a lot but we have a purely platonic thing no Lando femputer stuff and so it just it just leaves we'll we'll see it again next film it's done its job we then hear a commentary going over how people all over the world are now generating dinosaurs alongside all the ones that escaped and it has converted our planet into Jurassic world cringe oh and that commentator by the way that was Jeff fucking Goldblum remember him there are incredible new dinosaurs an exploding volcano and dr. Ian Malcolm's back Taiwan this is dr. Malcolm Jeff Goldblum not gonna lie that's pretty awesome there's an exploding island and Jeff Goldblum's back hello everybody I'm Jeff Goldblum and she I'm so I'm thrilled to be back as dr. Ian Malcolm they really knew how to market this didn't they he was in it for less than two minutes I hope to Christ you didn't watch it for him folks he didn't even remotely affect the story whatsoever fuck you do you work for hello games shut the fuck up let's summarize tech I was barely in the movie and he popped up whenever his skills were needed to open doors or save people including an unexplained yet massively beneficial appearance to release blue save biology girl and release the entirety of the dinosaurs but fuck it did I mention his screaming by the way yeah it was horrible biology girl only turns up to save blue and like every scene and that's fucking it she's just blues life preserver on this whole movie and it wouldn't have been necessary if not for the fact that they had an entre versi over on the island watch the movie and it's an entre versi did you coin now yes an entre versi thank you right discount Hammond was old and came out of fucking nowhere I love how you bait old classic characters in the marketing and then invent your own old characters wedging them into the classic characters as if they were there all along they weren't fuck off but he does serve to enable the psychopathic money-hungry villain who's honestly not a character he's willing to fucking kidnap people kill them and send his entire legacy to the grave so that he can have more money he would have inherited the fucking mansion and the old dudes money the moment he was dead but now he had to enter the black market and sell dinosaurs is is that all you got film he's evil and wants money fuck off and him revealing that the little girl was a clone didn't have any bearing on the scene it felt like he said it to explain to the audience why we've never met discount Hammond before can you please stay away from the first film it's great get your sticky fingers off it don't Terminator Genisys me here which takes us to star-lord and heals who fucking kiss at the end of the film they've been baiting their relationship by going off again on again three damn times actually go away at least you got to feel better about essentially causing all this shit in her own way in the first film fucking heels Buffalo Bill was a prick who collected teeth and managed to essentially keep the film going when it would have normally just shunted to a grinding halt without his stupid fucking retarded teeth collection everything would have ended differently so fuck you bill I preferred it when you collected skin Arnim Zola was in the film why doctor Wu was there to explain how things are made when his points just added more questions to the fucking narrative and then there's yellow and blue yellow is a fucking laughingstock the super-intelligent faking its own weaknesses raptor that ends up deciding to go on a rampage to chase a little girl instead of getting the fuck out of the area ends up dying to the iron man of the Jurassic series blue what a fucking mess blue is at this point they treated her as a trained they would absolutely bite the hand to now be a loyal hero that watches over all the main characters blue can sense your morality and kills people based on that it's fuckin rubbish do you guys remember this scene yeah well fuck that you can abandon blue for three years you can tranq blue twice shoot it with a pistol bleed it out for hours only to perform deep surgery that causes massive amounts of pain all the while we get to have star-lord present in these events yet blue will still love you for no fucking reason oh sorry I forgot that scene that retcons the entire relationship you had with that fucking thing blue loves you no matter what and honestly you could probably just summon blue in the next film to save the day or die doing it I'm almost certain that's gonna happen speaking of blue the whole reason that all the heroes got to the island and got involved in all of this is blue heels says that in the film all four of them are there to capture and stabilize her but Indian ever got to use her in the film she escapes and murders people because of the people you told to bring her in imagine the amount of stupid bullshit that would have been avoided had they never brought in these good guys why do they have the power to know about blue to access the grids and the security but they can't fucking tune on a tracking system without heels fuck off movie that was the only reason they were brought in it's so contrived this film's script is beyond fucked it's all about luck good and bad or just utter nonsense it's lucky that yellow fell on the horns it's unlucky that the teeth collector had this odd fetish and thus released yellow actually but it is lucky that no one cares that they arrived just in time on that ship and a little cap will protect them from it oh and it's lucky that star Lords tranq only lasted 10 minutes or he would have been dead but it's unlucky that all those bad guys are just too inept to run away in this film so they can be swept up by dinosaurs like the final guy getting eaten by a t-rex to his left that we can't see because of the angle but apparently he can't see it either even though it's enormous just unlucky I guess lucky star lore just happens to bump into them while fleeing the volcano lucky they only locked up the tech guy in heels instead of shooting them lucky no notices that the t-rex went nuts on the ship unlucky that some guys spotted you when you were in the lucky they ended up with a dinosaur right next to them that could release them from their cage lucky the truck was just waiting for them and ends up saving their lives this is on top of the fact that the drama's generated for no fucking reason stupid biology girl just pulls the gun on bill the doors are left open because the iPad got smashed leading to the suburban Mosasaurus fuck off you have absolutely no respect for the franchise that you're attempting to grow you took superficial elements like shoving as many dinosaurs down our throats as possible while arbitrarily bringing back references or characters to make us giddy to think we might experience an appreciation for this film as we did for the classic while at the same time you openly forget established rules to your universe in order to tell your retarded story site B exists yeah fuck's it practically undoes the entire plot of this film you acknowledge Malcolm but not the island he spent most of his screen time on because you just want to get people in the cinema it's not that you want to tell a good fucking story will building once again takes a backseat to tell a tale that doesn't work even when there is no universe behind it familiar anyone and that's not to mention the goddamn villain for the film you you kill discount Hammond because you like money motivations and the character everything's just shit if the small dinosaur could release itself why couldn't the huge ones do it especially the one with the bolder tail come on the girl released them all because she associates with her fellow clones seriously who wrote that why do the dinosaurs wait for the gates to be open instead of ripping each other apart there's like tons of herbivores mixed in with carnivores it's so stupid how can you sell this as dinosaurs are free on earth Planet of the Apes style when they can all be captured and killed easily with bullets so silly stop trying to sell that dinosaurs can work in the military that premise is utterly fucking retarded from the get-go it would be extremely specialized if ever it worked and it is far from legal gotta sell them on the black market so who is this idea for fucking Russians or something they're gonna invade the u.s. atop of fucking t-rex actually that would be a better film make that film the point is that you're embarrassing yourself movie again and you know why I think this was made I think this film was created solely to have shit tons of dinosaurs to please the audience and that's it there's no story to tell there's no will to set and build on there's no message to deliver it's just fucking dinosaur time we're gonna see all the dinosaurs again we all lost so much in the first movie we're gonna have Carnotaurus the carnage horse fights the sign of Sarah talks in this Jurassic world you will see more dinosaurs than you've ever seen before we have the Mosasaurus we have the t-rex in this movie in this drastic world you will see more dinosaurs than you've ever seen in all the other Jurassic movies combined we have a brand new genetically modified dinosaur called the Indo Raptor right no one scenes where we had so many dinosaurs in the same frame that we had to make the frame bigger it was stinky Moloch seriously fuck this Diggy Mulligan fuck the absolutely vapid characters relying on the charm of one guy a story that cannot function without contrivance and complete luck the confusing fucking messages it does actually manage to send such as how about we just fucking kill people randomly star-lord got a bunch of black-market people killed were they even evil well they had to be they would buying dinosaurs that just makes them assholes we're the civilians that they released the dinos onto evil I fucking hope so this reminds me of the wonderful scene in the previous film where they filleted themselves over the death of this random innocent babysitter and give her the most horrific scene in all of the saga of the Jurassic films [Music] [Music] so fucking stupid you could tell that this movie was created to set up the next one as well just piles and piles of sequel bait only to tell a nonsensical story in the interim dinosaurs already escaped you pillocks how about you account for those ones with a court case is a real shame that we ended up with johnson level writing because you can do so much more than this remember how we started huh you have fucked it up for a fourth time boys yes screwed it up again congratulations can't wait to see you shit out the next one for this universe excuse me while I go back to watching the lost world with how bad that film is it's still better than this mess [Music] [Applause] god that's so stupid I need to do an unbridled praise soon my blood pressure doesn't need this kind of stress maybe I can be nice for a second the movie had excellent camerawork the director and all the cinematographer genuinely achieved something here little girls acting was like phenomenal she cried on cue and pulled off a sense of despair while actually being subdued even though she's a kid seriously good stuff on top of that it's always fun to see dinosaurs eat people even superficially and Chris Pratt is as wonderful as expected so who knows maybe you'll love it pity about the plot and the characters though I guess see you around folks thanks for watching

Channel: MauLer

Views: 1,066,683

Rating: 4.7059708 out of 5

Keywords: Rant, Rage, spoilers, discussion, movies, films, review, Angry, lore, Death, terrible, worst, awful, Jurassic, Park, World, Fallen, Kingdom, The, Lost, universal, studios, dies, chris, pratt, bryce, dallas, howard, buffalo, bill, assessment, script

Id: _YY8OgxKUlg

Length: 54min 57sec (3297 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 20 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

The iPhone connected door thing totally underestimates the inanity of the internet of things. Its probably a total product placement for future Jurassic World smart home conveniences! LOL!

[u/RealestDayMan]

I did skip a few parts of the review, sorry if you pointed this out. One scene that really pissed me off was when Maisie put herself into the dumbwaiter. This clearly was a forced attempt to recreate the scene with Lex and the raptors from the original film.

But in this movie though, I just watched the Indoraptor tear through nearly every structure in this house and fuck a lot of people up. SOMEHOW charging towards Maisie at nearly full speed, it is no match for a 3” thick piece of wood. Come on.