- What kind of
world do we live in where we can't stage
a fake gay bashing without really being gay bashed? (audience laughs) (techno music) - Welcome to This is
Not Happening presents One Crazy Night. So this is what we do, our bunch of comedians tell
stories about a similar subject so this is just one crazy night. Please give it up for
my friend and yours Mr Sean Patton everybody. (audience cheers) - There are three things
you need to know about me before I commence
telling this story. It's very simple. One, I was born and raised
in New Orleans, Louisianna, two, I'm trained
in stage combat. My friend Tommy and I,
we're high school friends, we're both comedians, as a goof we started taking
stage combat classes, it kept going for a year. And three, I've only snorted
cocaine once in my life. Now, I've done cocaine
half a dozen times but I've only snorted it once. What I mean by that, is
that I would always go last, I would cut the biggest line, I'd be the most amped about it, I'd let all my friends go first and as soon as they
were off in the corner comparing how the drip felt,
I would just wipe it away and go "woo yeah" and then
just be high energy all night. Why didn't I actually do coke? Because it's fucking cocaine, it's bad for you, I was scared. Do I need to explain anymore? Terrified to do it,
didn't want to do it. So I lied. However one year, 2004
on Lundi Gras Day, that's the day
before Mardi Gras, if you know your
New Orleans shit and it's the crazy day. It's when the fucking crazy
fucking things happen. It's when people do coke
for the first time for real. That's exactly what happened. I was with my friend Tommy
and was like fuck it man, let's do this coke for real and it was amazing. Anyway, so we're coked
up, we're both comedians, we're both trained
in stage combat, we're let loose on the
streets of French Quarter in New Orleans on
Lundi Gras Day. Duh, what's gonna happen? Fight scenes, you
bet your fat ass. Non-stop fight scenes
in front of tourists. Where you would see
big groups of tourists looking for tits, chanting
for tits in the wrong places, we would roll up, we'd
act like a gay couple that had gotten
into an argument, that had turn into a spat
that it will become a fight. So we'd walk by like "Why
can't I be on top tonight?" "Well because you're hung
like a fucking light switch." "Well at least my cum
doesn't taste like blood." and then we'd start fighting (audience laughs) and then we'd go at it. And the weird thing was,
no one ever once threatened to call the cops, tried
to break us up or stop us, they just let it happen. And it was weird
because the thing is, I look now like I did then and I think I look now and
then like a cancer victim that survived cancer by eating
the tumor out of his body. That's my description of myself. Tommy is sculpted out of marble, he's got an eight-pack,
he's a gorgeous human being, he is now, he was then. So I would always win the fight 'cause it just
didn't look right. And at one point I
remember we're fighting and there's just
this old black dude just chilling, just watching
us, smoking a cigarette and who knows if it
was a menthol, I don't
wanna stereotype, it could've been, you know,
I don't wanna be that guy who just assumes he's
puffing on a Newport, could've been a
clove for all I know. Now he's just standing
there puffing away, then Tommy tries to
get his attention and he goes, and Tommy
is a great actor, he was in character. He's like "Help, help
my lover's hitting me." and this old black dude with
all his old black man wisdom just goes, "Well hit him back
you're both boys ain't ya?" (audience laughs) So we decided after
a while that maybe we were just too predictable,
we decide to change, to flip the script,
to change it up. He started, Tommy, he
played a gay prostitute. So he was just standing
on random corners going, "I'm selling dick by the
inch, dick by the inch". Which doesn't really make sense
but made me laugh real hard. It's like so what
if they wondered, how much by the inch and
what if they only want half your dick, can
they get half, half? Cause what are they
gonna do with only half? Wait a second it's
not like a Kielbasa, you're not slicing
off dick by the inch. He would do that and I
would play a gay basher. So I would roll up
on him outta nowhere and be like "you fucking
queer," through a punch and we had the move
all worked out. He would catch, barrel
roll me, roundhouse kick, upper cut, I'd be out cold. It was beautiful. We nailed this time
and time again. There was this one
point, this old woman just out of nowhere was
like "He deserved that, "he deserved it." 'cause I'm a good actor. Tom is a better actor though 'cause after every
time he beat my ass he would celebrate,
people would walk up and high-five him and shit and be like "Dicks two
for one by the inch "for the next hour"
which makes less sense than just selling
dick by the inch. "Dicks two for one by the inch" what does that even mean? I don't care' it's hilarious! (audience laughs) At one point we knew the fight, I'm laying there unconscious,
he's celebrating, a few people come by and
high-give and at one point just out of nowhere, this
dude rolls up on him, eating a lucky dog,
which if you've never been to New Orleans a lucky
dog, it's just a giant hot dog. Someone chuckled like they
know what a lucky dog is. Oh it's bad. It's like 14in of hot dog. I don't know why
they call it lucky unless you're the kind
of person who's like "Oh, I get to shit 15
times tomorrow, lucky me!" "Nom nom nom nom nom" But this dude just rolls up on
Tommy who's like celebrating, he's like "Dick is three
for one by the inch" and keeps getting funnier
the more he offers although it makes less sense. "Nom nom nom nom nom nom"
and this guy walks up nibbling on his lucky
dog, he's like "Hey dude "you really gay,
you really gay?" First of all I thought
that was a funny thing of him to ask that
question while nibbling on a giant phallic
shaped thing in a bun. "Really gay?" And I'm watching this a
few feet away pretending to be unconscious thinking
"Oh damn, a real john." (audience laughs) "We are good!" But then Tommy still in
character doesn't break a frame and he goes "Yes I am
Mr Man, gay as shit, "dick is free for you." Then this man, this stranger,
drops that lucky dog, rears back and punches
Tommy in the chest hard, no stage combat,
now just straight up
(makes hitting sound), punches him fucking
hard and I see that and think "Oh no,
a real gay basher!" (audience laughs) "We were too good, noooooo!!!" So I jump up, I get between 'em. I'm like "Hey, hey dude,
back off, seriously back off, it's fine" and this dude goes, "What, man fuck that, he
was about to rape you!" Is that what was
about to happen? (audience laughs) He was 20ft away dancing. (audience laughs) What do you think rape is sir? You think it's just someone
dancing 20ft away from you? But then I realize this guys
is a bigot, like all bigots, he thinks incorrectly. So I was just like "Dude,
it's fine, get the fuck out of here man, he's not
gay, he's my friend" but Tommy, as I said a great
actor doesn't break character and he's still in character
and now he's angry and just goes "Fuck this,
yes I am, I'm gay as shit, "bring it motherfucker,
bring it!" What happens next was, that
gay basher throws one punch, it hits be directly in the jaw. Now if you've never been hit
directly in your jaw before, what happens is
your legs disappear, they disappear, they turn into a magical cloud, that you float to
the ground happily, bye (makes cartoon sounds). And I say this only
once in my life, I'm glad I was on
cocaine, I'm glad, because I didn't
get knocked out. I fell but I stayed conscious
and I credit that entirely with the blow in my system. And I'm glad I stayed conscious
'cause what I saw next was amazing. What I saw next was
my friend Tommy, who I had known most of my life, who I knew was trained in
stage combat just like I, I saw him square up on
this dude Wolverine style (audience laughs) take a punch to the face
and go "That's all I needed" and then fuck this guy
up bad, destroy him, (applause) like destroyed him. Like and I mean, yeah,
trained in stage combat didn't matter, turns out he
was a natural at real combat. It was amazing. There was like Jason
Bourned elbows and shit, he landed a jump knee,
he landed a jump knee. When have you seen anyone
just (grunting sound) land a jump knee
in the dudes chin. Like it was so badass
that when Tommy was finally done with this
dude we had to skedaddle 'cause now we were the bad guys. We'd gone to far, so we got
up, got the fuck outta there, went to a bar, had an
emergency medical beer and we're just kinda like
walking around talking about it, I'm like yapping my ass off. Like I can't believe that
happened that was amazing, Tommy has been quiet for
sometime like a few minutes now, and he finally just goes
look, "You understand though, "that that was real, that
was real" and I was like "Yeah, I know it was
real, it hurt, ow" then he goes, he gets
real serious, he's like "No no, umm, (sigh), I'm the gay thing,
I'm gay, I'm gay. "I've tried to come
out to you for years, "I said it then figuring
fuck it, kill two birds "with one stone, I'm gay." (audience laughs) So you think about
this for a second, not only am I the only person
who's straight that I ever met who's been gay bashed (audience laughs) but that is how my friend Tommy got to come out to me, which is the most
badass way to come out of the closet possible. Just announce, "Yes I
am, I'm gay as shit, "bring it motherfucker" and
then immediately thrash a bigot like right out of
the gates you know. (applause) Can't top it, can't top it! Thank you very much. (audience cheers) - Hey everybody, I
just took a break from flying through
space to tell you to click like over there so
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subscribe so that next week when the story comes out,
you'll get that as well. Oh, there goes a
celestial planet. Hi planet.
