- [Jeff] When Ari asked
me to tell this story, I was hesitant, because I still might go to jail for this. (hip hop music) (swishing) (bang) (bang) (bang) (smash) (stabbing) - [Ari] Welcome to This
Is Not Happening presents, World Of Blunder. - If you've never been to the show before, this is a bunch of comics
telling fun stories about real shit that happened. Give it up, for Mr. Jeff Dye everybody, let him hear it!
(clapping and cheering) - Thank you! I gotta tell ya, when Ari asked me to tell this story, I was hesitant, because I still might go to jail for this. (laughing) Well, it's like, yeah, I guess
it is kind of a funny story. (laughing) Here I am out of, just flattery that he asked me to tell it. Okay so, I worked the road
and my opening comic is my best friend Brandt Tobler, he's a very funny guy, but he's famous for just
gettin' into trouble. And I'm pretty famous
for gettin' into trouble, and when we started working together, it just magnified by like a million times of us getting into trouble. We're in Marco Island, we're
doing this comedy club, this great comedy club, and someone says, hey we should go to
this bar called Vandy's. Some old NFL kicker owns it. And I was like, wait,
Vandy, like Mike Vanderjagt? And they're like, yeah
yeah, you know that guy? And if you don't know a lot about sports, Mike Vanderjagt is a NFL kicker, who is famous for being
an incredible kicker. The guy never missed kicks, he was insane. But he was equally famous (laughs), the same way like the Iron Sheik's famous. (laughing) Or stories about Tracy Morgan.
(laughing) Like these are the kind of, famous Mike Vanderjagt is. He choked a junior high kid, he's a troublemaker himself. Peyton Manning called
him "The Idiot Kicker", that's what he's like most famous for is being called The Idiot Kicker. Peyton Manning called
him that in a Pro Bowl, The Idiot Kicker, and I was like wait, Mike
Vanderjagt has a bar here? And like, yeah, let's go. So we go, we drink a lot. I like to drink a lot. Me and Brandt got pretty drunk, and we're just so excited that we're at Mike Vanderjagt's bar. We keep asking the bartender, "You think he's gonna come in?" They're like, "Nah, he
doesn't come in here, his wife doesn't let him." (laughing) All that stuff, so we just as football fans and drunks, we're just like, man, we'd really like to meet
Mike Vanderjagt blah blah. So we're just being
regular idiots and then, about two o'clock we're like, you know what we should do? We're drunk by the way... We should steal something
from here, right? And then put it at our house, and then when people come
over and they're like, why do you have that whatever it is, we can be like, we stole
that from Mike Vanderjagt! (laughing) Right, which sounds like a really cool idea when you're drunk. I admit it's, not that cool, but
like, when you're drunk, you're like, that's the best idea ever! (laughing) So we're looking around, and everything's kinda tacked down. The restroom signs, and
things on the wall... Everything's just nailed down. They've thought about morons like us. (laughing) So I went to the front of the restaurant or bar, or
whatever the heck it is, and the only thing that wasn't nailed down was his framed Pro Bowl jersey. (laughing) The Pro Bowl where Peyton Manning called him The Idiot Kicker. (laughing) Now if you don't know
about Pro Bowl jerseys, they're like trophies to these players. They don't make a bunch,
they don't sell replicas. You get one, that's your trophy. You play in it, and then you frame it. I didn't know that. (laughing) So I wobble back to my buddy
Brandt, and I was like, I think I got it man, we should get his Pro Bowl jersey! Brandt's like, that's the best idea ever! (laughing) So we hide in the men's
bathroom, and we're like, how are we gonna do this? So waited for the place to close, we tell these girls that we met, like hey, just get the car ready. We're gonna jump in the car and then we'll go back
to where we're going. And they girls were like, oh, okay. (chuckles) Now they're accomplices. (laughing) So anyways we come out, I take the frame. It's like three foot by three foot. It's like this huge framed
jersey from the Pro Bowl. Take it off the wall, I grab it, Brandt grabs an Edgerrin
James autographed jersey, so we're both in this together you know. (laughing) Can't hold both sides,
that don't make sense. So we grab each one, we jump in the car, we drive back to the penthouse, and we break 'em outta the frames right when we get back there. We putting them on... We're like the worst criminals ever, (laughing)
by the way. Because we're so proud of ourselves, we're not badasses obviously, you know, so we're like all excited. We're taking photos of us
wearing it on Instagram... (laughing) We're like, we're in the Pro Bowl, whoo! We're going crazy. We had girls wearing 'em takin' photos, we're in the hot tub, we're going crazy right? So the next morning when
we sober up we're like, oh no, this could be a lot of trouble. And so we're like, this isn't good, but we're also kind of happy
with our new badass reputation, like yeah, we don't give a f, you know... (laughing) That's how badass I am, yeah. (laughing) So anyways, we're telling everyone. We're like, yeah, you know
what we did last night? We're just tryin' to own it, ya know? Word gets around, it's a five mile by five
mile island in Florida, Marco Island, and they're like, everyone's talking about it, like those are the comedians came and stole like two
jerseys from the bar, and everyone's looking for them. The cops reach out to
the comedy club owner, 'cause our poster's all over
town that we're gonna be there. (laughing) It was like, I think those are
the guys you're looking for. (laughing) So the owner calls me, and he's like, hey man, the police came to
my son's little league game, (laughing) and they started asking questions about the Pro Bowl jersey. Dude! What is... Did you do that? (laughing) (laughs) And I'm like, yeah, isn't that awesome! (laughing) That was us! I was just so exicted, and he's like, bring
them back immediately, or I'm going to tell the police. I was like, no, come on
man, don't be like that. (laughing) Come on, it's cool right? Like a child... Like, man, come on. So anyways he makes us bring it back, we ditch 'em on the patio. We don't wanna turn ourselves in, we just like ditch 'em on the
patio of the bar and we leave. So they have the jersey
back, so everybody's happy. And the whole rest of the weekend working at that comedy club, they're treatin' us like these jerks. Ya know, we're just to be goofballs, we didn't mean to like, we weren't trying to
kill anyone or anything. Everyone acted like, oh, what about... Like, everyone was so Mormon about it. (laughing) Like, you know, like, oh, I would never! It's like, it was just a goof. (laughing) So the whole time we're feeling judged, we just feel like, man, I really wish we wouldn't
have turned those jerseys in. If everyone's gonna treat us like we're a bunch of idiot,
jerk, criminal assholes, I wish we had the jerseys. So on the last day of us
working that comedy club, (laughing) we're like, how gangster would
it be to go back to that bar, (laughing) and just drink in front of everyone, like we weren't the guys
that stole those jerseys. It's the only bar open, so we go to the bar, we just drinking, having a good time, and nobody's said anything, and if they do look at us weird, they kind of don't want to come up to us. At two o'clock in the morning, I look over at Brandt, I got like a thing of whiskey, and I look over at Brandt,
and Brandt looks at me, it was magical. I haven't known this guy that long, but we communicated with each other without saying anything. It was just kinda like this, let's get 'em back! (laughing) So, they're not in the frames, 'cause we broke 'em out of the frames, so they're somewhere, they must be in the back
office or something like that, we don't know what we're gonna do. So what we do is we lock
ourselves in the women's bathroom, (laughing) and once the place closes down, they lock the doors, we can hear 'em. We're like hidden in the bathroom, the women's bathroom, like, we're gettin' these things back, right?. So, they lock the door, and now we come outta the bathroom, and there's a guy over
there closing down the till, and he's doing his numbers,
like bartender stuff, and we're like, alright, let's just go. So Brandt darts into the back office, I don't know where he's at, and right when that happens I see the bartender look over
at me, and I'm like, oh no. (laughing) He knows we're in the locked building. So he comes over to me and he's like, what are you doing, hey! I locked the doors, what
are you doing in here? So I act like I'm way drunker than I am, and I'm on my phone, and I'm like, oh, I'm in a
fight with my girlfriend. Man, it's so crazy, I just
wish I was gay sometimes, you know, dealing with... (laughing) I'm working this guy, doing
jokes on him and stuff, I'm trying to figure things out, but the whole time I'm texting Brandt, don't come out, there's a giant
man who's gonna beat our ass (laughing)
if he knows what we're up to. So while I'm doing this, Brandt texts me back, hey, I got 'em, get out. So I go to the guy, alright,
I'm just gonna get outta here. He's like, yeah, I don't
know how you're in here, I locked the doors. So he shoves me out, I run across the street to the 76, Brandt's got the jersey, Mike Vanderjagt's Pro Bowl jersey. And not only that it was his birthday. It was Mike Vanderjagt's
birthday that day. (laughing) So we stole it, gave it back, stole it again (laughs) on his birthday, and the next morning... I mean it's a strange thing to celebrate, but we felt like it was like this victory. Like, you know what, we did
it, we did a cool thing. So I fly to New York, Brandt's still on Marco Island. I get off the plane in New York to about 15 of these voice mails. - [Officer] Yes, this is (beep) with your Marco Island Police Department. (laughing)
I'm here at Vandy's and your name came up in an investigation about a stolen Mike Vanderjagt (laughing)
Pro Bowl Jersey. So I have like 15 of these.
(laughing and cheering) Keep in mind, I've never been in trouble in my life. I was like raised in the church, which is why this whole
thing's so exciting for me. (laughing) I'm like Miley Cyrus coming out of my... (laughing) You know, I was like, yeah, rebellion! So anyways, I don't know what to do, I sit on it for a couple of days. I'm just getting tons of these calls, and I'm like, well what are they gonna, fly to New York to come
get this thing in Florida, (laughing)
I don't know what to do. Meanwhile I'm wearing it
everywhere, by the way. (laughing) Starbucks, it's doesn't matter, I'm wearing the jersey. I'm like, yeah, you know how
I got this, I'm an idiot. I haven't tooken it off, pretty much. So, then I get this voice
mail two days later. - [Mike] Yeah Jeff, this
is Vandy's on Marco, I think we have a situation
that needs to get rectified. (laughing) First of all I need my jersey back... (laughing and clapping)
- It's him. I'm getting calls from
Mike Vanderjagt himself. (laughing and clapping) He's like, forget the police, I need my jersey, he's begging
me for his jersey back. I'll let you listen to the rest of this. - [Mike] And second of
all I need two grand to fix 'em back up the way they were. We have the whole thing on video, so, (laughing) if you wanna not get prosecuted and not get arrested for
breaking and entering and vandalism and grand theft then, just return the jersey and give me two grand
to fix what I gotta fix, or unfortunately you're
gonna get prosecuted and it's not gonna be good, so... We have the whole thing on video at the front of the restaurant, you guys were looking around real good, but you forgot to look for
the cameras unfortunately, (laughing)
so you and Brandt... - So I don't know what to do right? (laughing) I'm panicking, I don't wanna go to jail. (laughing) I know I'll do well in jail, (laughing) but for all the wrong reasons. And so I'm scared, I
don't know what to do, and I'm like, well, what
should we do about this? Me and Brandt are texting back
and forth what we should do, how we should solve this scenario. Meanwhile my agents,
my manager, my lawyers, are all calling me, like, what in the heck is wrong with you? What did you do? We heard about everything. I'm threatening to get fired
by all my representation. And also they sat me
down and they're like, what is this, you broke into a bar, you stole a football player's jersey, and then you brought it back,
and then stole it again? (laughing) And I was like, well, it's not funny when you say it like that. (laughing) But the cool thing that
I'll leave you guys with, is, Police don't care about jerseys. (laughing) When you steal a kid, they go find the kid real quick, ya know? When ya rob a bank, they try to get as much of
that money back as possible. (laughing) I still have a jersey. (laughing and clapping) You guys are great, thank you so much! (hip hop music) - Jeff Dye everybody, starting
center for my basketball team Shawn Kemp's Kids. Thanks Jeff for doing that. What a great fucking story. I booked him based on story alone. I was like dude, just come do that, I don't care what else you have, do that story on this show, so thank you. Last week I asked you to
leave in the YouTube section your ideas with who is
right and who is wrong in that fight between me and Bobby and Natasha and Rannazzisi. And a lot of you guys got it right. A lot of you guys were
idiots and crossed me! Wrote comments that were
negative towards me, which I don't like, but legally they make me show them, so here are those! Next week why don't you leave your comments in the comments section about your best pranks. Don't forget to click on the Reddit link to join in the conversation. Use the hashtag thisisnothappening. I'll see you next Tuesday.
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Complete list
Mike Vanderjagt used to play for the AFL Minnesota Fightin Pike!
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Fighting_Pike
You started this in the middle of the video.
Always loved this story and post it anytime Mike Vanderjagt comes up
Hilarious!
Dye did actually give back the jersey to Vanderjagt. http://deadspin.com/sadsack-former-nfl-player-punked-twice-by-drunken-comed-1189306363