- [Comedian] And I can see at this point, that not wearin' pants (laughing) holdin' my shirt down over my dick, and I push through the door into the lobby of a five-star hotel. (laughing) (pumping electronica music) - [Ari] Welcome to This is Not Happening presents "One Crazy Night". So this is what we do. We're a bunch of comedians, tell stories about a similar subject. So this is just one crazy night. Give it up for my friend and yours, Mr. John Huck, everybody! (cheering and applauding) - Keep it goin' for Ari. (cheering and applauding) You know, I'm like every other kid. My parents were alright. They weren't well off, but they did okay, and I got a bunch of
money when I graduated. And I was like, "oh, you know what I wanna "do with this money? "I wanna go to the biggest party "that serves the most beer "in the entire world." And my friend goes, "Yeah. "That's Munich, Germany, for Oktoberfest." And I'm like, "Yeah, I wanna do that. "I wanna do that. "I wanna go to Munich, Germany, "I wanna go to Oktoberfest, "and I wanna drink all
the beer that's there. "That's what I wanna do. "That's my plan."
(laughing) Eventually we got to Oktoberfest for the very last weekend
in Munich, Germany. We don't have any real money, so we get a campsite, we go to a campsite, pay the money. We find a little space
we can call our own. We set up a tent, and it starts to rain. (laughing) So we're like, "Oh, it's raining." It's startin' to get really cold, and the only place you can get shelter in the whole campsite was at this little cement slab picnic
table, had the roof. And then it had a vending machine that sold liter bottles of Lowenbrau. (laughing) Yeah. Pretty fucking awesome. And I'm, you know, I can drink 12 Miller Lites, no problem. There's like 12 Miller Lites in every liter bottle of Lowenbrau. (laughing) I have like three, four, five of these liter bottles of Lowenbrau, and all of a sudden, like, a bus pulls up. And they're like, "Yep," (honking) "time to go to the festival!" And I'm like, "What are you, "what are you talking about? "This is the festival right here! "We're not leaving this. "The beer comes outta here, "why would we leave this?" (laughing) "I wanna be with this machine "for the rest of my life." But they're like, "No, no, no, "you can bring the beer with you. "Get another one and bring it on the bus." I'm like, "Oh, yeah! "We drink on the bus. "Fuck it, no laws, alright." Germany, no laws? A lotta laws. (laughing) A lotta laws. Serious laws. But I get on the bus with
my two idiot friends, and we're drinkin' beers, and it's like I said,
a 30 minute bus ride. And we're like, "Yay, alright, "the festival's great. "Whoo, bus ride!" Get to the actual festival, and me and my friends just kinda tack on to this group that we're with that was from our campsite. And we just follow them right to the Hofbrauhaus tent. And it was everything you'd ever expect. There was an oompah band is playing. There's tiny women with huge boobs running around with a lotta steins. Everyone's got a sausage. Fuckin' french fries are everywhere. It's a good time, it's fun, right? And we kinda get a table, and we just started cheersing and singing and drinking beers. We do this for a couple of hours. We're havin' the best time
as far as I know, right? At about 11 o'clock at night, all the lights in the tent go up. And they're like, "Welp, "festival's over, gotta get out." And this is when I decide to turn into a super classy American guy. I'm like, (slurring) "11 o'clock? "you guys are fuckin' pussies, "this is how you drink? (blowing raspberry) "Uh!" (laughing) Making fun of everybody I see. And so security's like, "Get him outta here." So my friend's like,
"Yeah, get outta here." So they shoved me kinda through the big giant flap of this circus tent that we're under, and I black out. When I finally come to, I'm slowly noticing that I'm in the middle of downtown
Munich by myself. (laughing) I don't know where my friends are. I don't where anybody
who I was drinking with. Nobody's around me, I'm by myself, and as I'm kinda coming to, I'm also noticing that I have to take the
biggest shit of my life. (laughing) I think I did what any of us would do when you have to go to the bathroom. I just started randomly banging on doors. (laughing) And I only know two German words, so I was yelling one of
the German words I know, I'm like, "Scheisse! "Scheisse! "Scheisse!" Banging on the door, and oddly enough, nobody answered the door and was like, "Oh, strange American, "you need to poop? "Alright...
(laughing) "bathroom's down the hall." So I'm bangin' on doors, nobody's opening the doors. I'm like, let's be honest, it's nature, it has to come out, right? It's not stopping. I can't hold it in any more. So I'm like, "Well, I need to fix this." So I kinda spy an alley. So I kinda run down the alley, and I'm like, "Alright, no one's around." I haven't seen a human
being for a long time. I kinda drop trou. I don't kinda do anything, I drop trou. (laughing) And I start to do my business all over a little pile of bricks there that is just in the alley
for whatever reason. And it's angry business. It's angry business. (laughing) Like super angry business. Lowenbrau went in super fast and it wants out even faster. Like, uh! I swear to God, that beer has a fist. (laughing) That's all I'm gonna say about it. So I'm full on in the
middle of my business, and as I'm like, you know you're sweating
with relief, like, "Oh, thank God, uh, "I'm getting this out of my body. "This is the greatest feeling ever." And as I'm feeling relief but kinda look to my left, and I notice a couple holding hands (laughing) on a nice leisurely stroll into the German night. And I can't stop what I'm doing. (laughing) The only way out of the alley is to walk past me. And the alley is like from me to you. It's not a big alley, it's an alley. (laughing) So, I'm like, "Oh my God, "what am I gonna do about this?" So I do, again, what any of us would do. I took the jacket that I had taken off and I put it over my head. (laughing) And all I'm thinkin' in my head is, "Please don't be from America, "please don't be from... "just be from Germany, "you'll think this is porn, "I don't know what, this would be great. "You won't care, don't be from America." And I got the jacket over my head. I can hear them walking closer and closer. And then I can pinpoint the exact area where they realize what
they were looking at. (laughing) And I hear the girl in a perfect Naperville, Illinois, accent go, "Oh my God, that's the "sickest thing I've ever seen! (laughing) The guy just goes, (retching) And they run off down the
alley like freaking out. And I've got my jacket over my head, and I'm still in the
middle of what I'm doin', and I just yelled out the only other German word I know, "Nein! "Nein! "Nein!" Because I figure they're gonna think I'm German and, "Oh,
that's just German people. "Hey, poopin' in the alley. "Whaddya gonna do?" (laughing) So they're finally gone. I take the jacket off my head. I finish up, leave my
underwear as a DNA sample. (laughing) And I move on down the road. I think the only reason
I came out of my blackout was because of that ferocious shit. And once it was gone, I blacked out again. (laughing) When I come to the next time, it's probably a couple hours later, I don't know, really, not
good with time obviously. I come to, I'm like, "What?" I'm standing in a beautiful bathroom. Marble countertops, gold
faucets, a waterfall. It's the best bathroom you could ever hope to poop in. And at this point, I don't have to poop. (laughing) So I'm standing there and I'm like, "Why? "Where was this place like
an hour and a half ago? "Come on, really?" And I get mad at myself for not finding the bathroom earlier. And then I'm like, "That's okay, "I have to find my campsite. "I need to find where my friends are. "I need to not end up in a German prison." These are the thoughts
running through my head. So I'm like, "Well, I don't know "how I got into this bathroom. "I don't know where this
bathroom is located, "but I need to get out." So as I'm pushing out
through the bathroom door, I catch a glimpse of myself
in a full length mirror. And I can see at this point that I'm not wearin' shoes. (laughing) I don't have any socks on. I'm not wearin' pants. And we all know where my underwear's at. (laughing) So I'm standin' there in
a long sleeve t-shirt, with my money belt around my neck, and a fuckin' Grateful Dead hat on. So I panic. I start lookin' around
the bathroom for my pants. I'm dumpin' over garbage cans. My pants aren't there. My shoes aren't there,
my socks aren't there. I have no idea what the
fuck happened to them. To this day, still don't know. But I did, again, what any
one of us would have done. Pulled my shirt down over my dick, (laughing) and I pushed through the door into the lobby of a five-star hotel. (laughing) It's about four in the morning
at this point, I think. I kinda just walked through the lobby. People are checking in
like, "What is this?!" Getting very angry with
the guy at the desk. And the guy at the desk
is like, "Hey, hey!" And I'm just like, "No, no, no. "Just usin' the bathroom, thanks." (laughing) I walk out, push out
right onto the sidewalk. I'm out in the street. I'm like, "Okay, gotta
figure this out quick." My ass is in the breeze. I'm just barely covering my cock. I'm like, "This is not good." I'm like, "I have to get underground. "I have get under the metro station. "I have to get underground. "I cannot be on the public streets." So I go into the metro station. Train pulls up. Packed. Packed with people in
winter coats, winter hats, goin' to work, miserable fuckin' people. Germany's not that different from here. Everyone hates their fuckin' job. "Uh, fuck this." I step onto the train. It was literally like
stepping onto a train of a thousand of my dads. It was like, (laughing) "Look at this fuckin' moron." (laughing) I run off the train. I run up the escalator. I turn right, and it is a gravel path with super tall grass on each side. I get to where I can
finally see my campsite. And it takes me another 40 minutes to find the tent that
I'm supposed to be in. And I'm talkin' 40 like, "Huh? Uh-uh. "Nope?
"Uh-uh. "Uh-uh.
"Huh? "Nope?
"Alright." (laughing) Bothering the shit out of
everyone at this campsite. I find my tent. I open it up. My two idiot friends are in there like, (snoring) sleeping like babies, right? And I'm like, "Oh, I hate you." I get into my sleeping bag, I go to sleep. And I'm like, "Oh,
thank God this is over." About an hour and a half later, I get woken up, my
friend's just shaking me. He's like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "What happened to you last night, man? "We had the craziest time. "Jim fell asleep on the Lowenbrau bus, "and I almost lost my
shoe riding the swings." (laughing) I travel with classy, classy dudes. My buddy, Jim, has peed
his pants the night before. And he's taken his urine-soaked jeans, and he's draped them over the tent. (groaning) Exactly, and he, too, has left the tent. So now I'm in the tent, the sun is coming up. I'm in there by myself, it's hittin' the pee pants. The pee pants smell is
comin' into the tent. I'm like, "Ew, this is gross. "I gotta get outta of this tent." Both the flaps of the tent were closed. I get the screen flap open, okay? I get the second thing open. I get one hand out of the tent, and as I'm doing that, I hear a guy walk into
the middle of the circle. And they're like, "Oh
hey, man how ya doin'?" He's like, "Hey, Dave, what's happenin'?" And he's like, "Aw, not much." "How was your night last night?" "Aw, it was pretty good." "What'd ya do?" "Me and my girlfriend
went out for a walk." "What'd ya see?" "We saw the grossest fucking thing ever!" And he proceeds to describe me to a T. "There's this dude poopin' "all over a pile of bricks, "put a fuckin' jacket over his head. "Didn't think we noticed him." I was like, and zip. (laughing) And I stayed in that tent
all day playin' Game Boy. Guys, I'm John Huck. Enjoy the rest of the night. (applauding) (pumping electronic music) - John Huck, everybody. Keep it going for John Huck. - Hey, wasn't that an amazing story? If you liked it, why don't
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