- Two fucking stories
from my car, I broke through trees, I've got no fuckin' pants on,
there's blood everywhere, and I'm in a sewage
slime shit soaked-- 'cause I don't want
to touch germs. - Welcome
to "This Is Not Happening." I'm your host Roy Wood, Jr. Now, tonight's episode--it's
not for the faint of heart. In fact, you might even want
to cover your ears. [jazz band plays note]
Because tonight... ♪ ♪ ♪ It's about to get filthy ♪ ♪ Dirty,
maybe just a little purdy ♪ ♪ It's about to be freaky ♪ ♪ Nasty ♪ ♪ Gonna make you want
to touch yourself ♪ ♪ I'm talking 'bout smut ♪ ♪ Talking 'bout sluts ♪ ♪ Talking 'bout putting stuff
in your butts ♪ ♪ It's gonna get icky ♪ ♪ Tricky ♪ ♪ It's about to get
a little sticky ♪ ♪ If you think
you can play ball ♪ ♪ Stick around,
it's about to go down ♪ ♪ Let's talk about filth ♪ ♪ Yeah, taking it from behind ♪ ♪ Dicks and tits and balls
and clits and assholes ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say taint ♪
- Taint! - ♪ Ah, masturbate ♪
- Masturbate! - ♪ Snail trail ♪
- Snail trail! - ♪ Dutch oven! ♪
- Dutch oven! - ♪ Out comes the shotgun ♪
- Shotgun! - ♪ Golden shower ♪
- Golden shower! - ♪ The cha-cha ♪
- The cha-cha! - ♪ Rusty trombone,
Rusty trombone ♪ ♪ Girl on girl
on guy on guy ♪ ♪ Just don't get it
in your eye ♪ ♪ Here we go, filth! ♪ <i> - Yeah, girl.</i> [cheers and applause] - This man needs
no introduction, he is a judge on
"America's Got Talent," Howie Mandel! [cheers and applause] - Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you,
thank you. This is, uh--this is--
oh, shit. This is a pole. This is-- Fuck.
You have no idea, this is-- I didn't know. I--okay. I'm gonna--we're supposed
to tell a story. Th--this is not happening. And the truth is,
this is a show I've watched. I've watched--
I watch this show, and I love it, and I say,
"I got stories! "I could be on--"
And I watched it on Comedy Central,
and I said, "Look at this, "kind of a cool set,
and it's just a cool vibe. I'll do it! I'll do it!" And I just showed f-- This is not a set! [laughter] This is--I'm just--
You know because you're-- They don't know! Fuck it,
this is not happening. I'm a germophobe! I'm a fucking--
This is a real-- This is a fucking strip club,
and this... [laughter] This is real, and I--
maybe you're noticing this, I-- People who know--
I've been in the business for, like, years, 40 years-- I just got glasses this year.
I just got glasses, because my wife said,
"You missed the sign." And I-- I saw the sign, it's the words
on the sign that I didn't-- So she said,
"Go to an optometrist." I said, "I don't have
an optometrist! I don't have--
I've never been!" I never went.
I don't shake hands. I don't want to be touched. I'm traum--
I went to the-- And he said,
"You're fucking blind. You're blind." I didn't know that. I was-- I've been a judge
for eight years on a talent show,
I can't see a fucking thing. [laughter] This is the first year
I've ever worn-- And you don't understand,
I'm so fucking freaked out, and now I can see clear--
I can see the shit on the pole. [laughter] They brought me to this room
before you got here, and they said,
"The best light is right here." I don't want to be right here.
I want to be in the dark. I want to be way in the dark. I don't want to be anywhere
near the fucking pole. What-- What kind of stains--
what is this? What is--
Why not at the end of the night just shooting this here now, why wouldn't you just
sponge that off? Why is that there? I'm not--
It's not fucking funny. You're laughing! This is not my story. This story is not
one I'm telling. This is a story that is fucking
happening now. This is a story I'm gonna tell
on another show later. Why--This is a whole
fuckin' room! Why do I have to stand
beside this fuck-- What are these stains? They're not even human shapes. What was wrapped around--
Oh, my God. Oh, you have no idea.
I won't wipe my own ass. I don't wipe my--
I don't. You know how I knew I made it? I bought one of those toilets,
I bought a toilet-- I walk in, the do--
It opens, it's, "Hello, Howie." It says hello, and I sit down, and then it's like
a power wash and a dry. I won't touch myself.
I don't want to be near here. [laughter] I got here an hour ago.
I have to piss. I won't go in the bathroom. Are you guys shooting
the whole body? 'Cause if you are, I won't piss. But if you just shoot me
from the waist up, I'll piss. I will piss
on this fucking show, and they'll say,
"This is not happening." [laughter] I'm gonna urinate, because I'm not going
in that fucking room there. I don't want to touch anything.
I never have. I'm not good in normal life. I have three children. I didn't want to touch the
children when we had them. No, I didn't. We had--
My first one was a girl. She's potty trained.
I say that with pride. Like she, I didn't even want to
potty train her, because-- not because I didn't want
to be involved in anything that had to do
with the bathroom, but also because I thought--
I have brothers. And I was so afraid of raising
a woman, raising a girl, and I would be so nervous
each and every night, to just worry about, is she
gonna be brought home safely? So my brilliant idea was, like,
to not potty train her, because I know,
just from my own experience, when I was dating,
if a woman shit herself, I took her right home--
I always did. I always did.
Always did. I would crack the window,
and say, "We're going home. We're going home." That's how I am.
That's how I am. So--but my wife was really
into potty training 'cause she wants to be
like everyone else. So--so I took no part in it,
and it was weird, because I--because of that, I didn't have
a lot of interaction with my own first child, and
I wanted to have interaction. So my wife says to me--
like, she's saying to me like, when she's one
and two years old, "You got to take her out.
You got to-- "You have to interact. "You have to create a bond
with your own child, with your own--"
So I strategically, because I'm thinking,
like, I don't want to go into a public restroom for my--
with myse-- I don't want to put--
I don't want to take her into a public--
and as a little baby girl, you would have to take her
into the-- I couldn't walk into
the ladies' room. I'd have to walk into the--
into the men-- I don't want
to sit her on that, and there isn't enough
paper to-- I would put enough paper
so that when she was sitting, she'd be eye to eye with me.
I would want--I would put-- just to be safe. So--but I said,
"I don't want to--" So this is my strategy.
You want to hear what I did? I waited. I waited till she
crapped, till she pissed, till I visually saw my wife
clean her all up and dress her,
and I said to my wife, like, "You know what?
I'm gonna take her out." I just like that--
She had no idea. "Really? Just like that?"
"Just like that." She had no idea
I had been watching. So I put my daughter
in the car, and I put her in the--in
the seats, and I strap her in, 'cause safety first. And we're going down
the Ventura Freeway. I'm driving down
the Ventura Freeway, and she says, "Da-da--"
And it's so cute when you-- And I said, "Yes?"
Jackie is her name. And I said, "Yes?" And she says,
"I have to go potty." The fuck? You just-- You just went.
I didn't say that out loud. But in my mind, I'm going,
"What the fuck? "Why would you--
Why wouldn't you-- "You did! I saw! "And fuck it,
you're wearing a diaper! "Why are you telling me? Just shit yourself,
and I'll act--" But you can't make those kind
of plans with children. Anyway, so she says, "Daddy,
I want to go to the potty." And I know how important
it was to my wife to continue the-- So I said, 'cause I don't want
her to suffer in any way, I said,
"Fine, I'll take you home." So I turned around
on the Ventura Freeway. This is a true--I swear to God. And I'm driving, down
the Ventura Freeway west, and she says, "I'm gonna go-- I can't hold it, Daddy,
I'm gonna go now." And I said, "Don't--
No! Don't go n--" She go, "I'm gonna go now!"
I said, "Don't! Don't!" And then she cried
because I yelled, but... I pulled over to
the side of the road, 'cause I don't think
things through-- just like doing this appearance
on this show. I had no idea. You could tell. Shit just happens.
So--and I unbuckle her, and I take this beautiful
baby girl, my first little baby girl,
and I take her out of the-- and on the Ventura Freeway. For those that don't live
in California, there's, like--there's a part
where there's, like, hedges. There's, like--there's like
trees along the side. So I go, "This will be nice,
maybe it's a bonding-- it's kind of like
a camping trip." So I--I-- I figure
we'll go into the bushes. We'll go into the bushes. So I get out,
I'm holding the little baby, and I step
into the bushes, right? 'Cause I'm gonna--we got to be
covered, we got to be-- Okay, so these were not bushes. Apparently, these were the top of trees
from way down below. [audience groaning] This was a fucking ravine.
I didn't know! I stepped off the cliff and then began to tumble. Yes! Yes! I'm holding
a fucking baby girl, and now I'm on my back... [screaming] Screaming!
I don't know what to do, and I'm sliding. And twigs are breaking,
and shit is happening. My pants got caught
on something and ripped off! I have no fucking pants on. My skin, my flesh is being
removed from my thighs. Blood is everywhere. I'm screaming.
She's screaming. Trees are breaking. Finally, I land at the bottom
in a-- in a--in a puddle of goo. There was a-- I think it was like
a sewage-- like a runoff. Two fucking stories
from my car, I broke through trees, I've got no fuckin' pants on,
there's blood everywhere, and I'm in a sewage
slime shit soaked-- 'cause I don't want
to touch germs. [laughter] And she's crying, she's crying. She goes, "Daddy,
I have to go!" So I go, "Okay!" And my wife--this is the part
why would you put-- why would any girl ever be
dressed in a onesie? A fucking onesie! It's not-- It's not convenient. So I undo the onesie, and I pull it down
by her ankles, and I'm holding her
in front of me. And her legs are straight down,
and she goes, "Daddy, I'm gonna make a mess
on my pants." This is the part
that's a problem-- I was not raised around women. I only had brothers. And I was trying to be helpful,
so I said, "Honey, honey, honey, you won't
get it on your pants. Put your feet up on my neck." Why do you know?
Why do you know? I didn't know!
I didn't know! Her feet are up on my neck,
and I go, "Go!" And she starts to go like
a fucking horse into my face! She's pissing, my eyes
are stinging from urine. I'm choking on piss.
[imitates choking] I'm choking,
I've got no pants on, my legs are bleeding,
I am in this sewage. It's stinking and rotting, and there's dead
fucking rats around. And she's pissing
all over my face and her own pants,
and she's crying, because there's a mess. It's not fucking funny.
This is true. This happened.
This fucking happened. And I--I--I--I-- So she said,
"My pants are dir--" Your pants are dirty? I don't
have fucking pants on! So she makes me take off
her pants, she's naked. I don't want to touch anything, I throw it into
the fucking swamp. She's naked, and now I got
to make my way back to the car. And I start to climb.
I am not--I am not-- I'm Jewish,
and there aren't a lot of Jewish mountain climbers. I don't know if you know
the Biblical story. We're not swimmers,
we're not mountain-- We walked in the desert
for 40 fuckin' years. We got to a river,
we wouldn't even take a dip. We waited for it to part,
a fuckin' miracle, so we can walk-- You got to understand. That's not my culture.
That's not-- That's not what we do, okay? So I start to climb, and I grab
one twig, and I grab another. And my legs are burning
and there's urine, and there's blood,
and there's shit in that swamp. There's a scum on the top! I don't even know
what that scum-- what forms on the top of a
fuckin' puddle in the Valley? But anyway, so I'm climbing, and then the fuckin' twig
breaks, and I slide back down,
and we're in the mud again. Now she's covered in mud
and her own urine and some of my blood,
and she's screaming. And then I go
and I find another path. And I get halfway up,
and I slide back down. - Oh!
- Don't say, "Oh!" It doesn't help
if you say, "Oh!" I'm reliving it. Please! [laughter] Just listen
to the fucking story. I hope this--none of this
is really happening, and this is a dream, and I wake
up, and this didn't happen. But anyway, so and then I find--
and then I climb again. I get halfway up,
and I slide down, and halfway up,
and I slide down, and finally after what seems
like an eternity, but is probably 45 minutes
since my daughter pissed, I make my way to the top, and I break out
of these branches, and I'm on the Ventura Freeway, which is probably
the busiest freeway in all of North America. And I walk out,
and I'm holding a baby who is screaming and crying
and naked little girl, covered in mud and urine
and blood, and I'm not wearing pants. And I'm soaked,
and I'm bleeding, and I'm fucking mad and angry. And I come out, and I'm, like,
200 yards from my car. I'm nowhere near our car! And I walk out,
and just as I walk out holding this little girl, a car slows down
in front of me, and the guy looks at me,
like, closely. And I go, "Shit." And he goes, "Are you Howie Mandel?" [laughter and applause] And I went, "No!" And he drove off. That is the last time
I took out my daughter. She just turned 32 last week,
and we went out for dinner for the first time since. [applause] Thank you very much. <i> Thank you. Thank you.</i> <i> - Howie Mandel, everybody.</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i>
