- Now I have never seen a man
get hit by a truck before, so I don't know if they
always hit the concrete and then Bruce Lee back up
immediately ready to fight, but that is what he did. It was like, boom, boom, let's fucking do it! (techno music) (growling) - Welcome to This Is Not
Happening, everybody. (crowd cheering) Thank you! So, here's the show. Just a bunch of funny people and we're all
telling true stories. Please, give it up for Mr.
Cy Amundson, everybody. Let him hear it! Cy Amundson. (crowd cheering) - I used to be
terrified of flying. Terrified. And a number of years ago, my
parents were going to adopt three teenage girls from Texas. And before we adopted
them, the whole family had to go down to Texas
to meet them, to prove that we were an okay family
to be in charge of children. And I, I thought if I flew,
I would die, obviously. So instead, from
Minneapolis, Minnesota to Dallas, Texas, I
rode a Greyhound bus. And after you ride a
Greyhound, you realize dying... Not that bad. (crowd laughs) Use a pillow, you can
stretch your legs out, you don't have to
worry about somebody trying to finger
you in your sleep. (crowd laughs) Comparatively, it's pretty nice. So, I dressed the part,
I wore hospital scrubs, a Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt
that could not have been intended for a man. And a camouflage vest. I loaded the bus
and I found a seat. I was one of the
first guys on the bus, and I found my seat. Right here are three,
Mexican, young Hispanic Mexican type-y folk. Somewhere in that region. Behind me is a man, a
grown man, with a stutter. Now I only know he has a
stutter because every town we came into on the entire trip, he had to announce it out loud. (stuttering) Topeka! (crowd laughs) Now I'm not gonna make fun
of somebody with a stutter he can't help that. I just don't understand
why the fuck he's boasting about it right now. You don't see people
without arms like, Hey come watch me swim
laps at the pool (screams). And then to Stutters
is an old Nigerian man. So we're cruising along,
and I'm trying to sleep, and I can't 'cause
Stutters is announcing every town and
village we come into. We pull into a McDonald's
slash gas station parking lot in Oklahoma City at 2
o'clock in the morning. The bus parks, everyone
gets off to smoke cigs. If you ride the
bus, you puff cigs. You a kid, on the bus? Puff cigs. Everybody. The only three people who
stay on the bus are me, Stutters, and the Nigerian. Literally, everybody else
gets off to smoke cigs. They get out and they're
right in front of the bus right here, in
their group smoking. And because it's the South,
at 2 o'clock in the morning, on the other side of the
parking lot is a group of Good Old Boys, and their
significant others, and their pickup trucks. Correct. (crowd laughs) Within a matter of
moments, that devolved into the Good Old Boys and
the bus people shouting at each other across
the parking lot like some long distance
episode of Maury Povich. Like, fuck you! No, fuck you! (screeching) Just fucking, cackling,
white trash madness at one another, right? So they're going back and forth, and then the Good Old Boys
hop in their pickup trucks, they start hopping in
their pickup trucks, driving as fast as they can
at the group of bus people and then at the last second
(car noise) they peel away and circle to do it again. They are playing Human
Chicken with the bus people. (crowd laughs) I'm sitting watching it unfold, and then I see a truck coming and I remember thinking, oh, well that one's
coming way too fast. And it was. And at the last minute
when it tried to peel away it hit one of the bus dudes. The moment it hit the bus dude,
the old Nigerian behind me goes, kaboom mother fuckers! (crowd laughs) He's the only hero
in this story. (crowd laughs) He is the only champion
in this tale, okay? Now I had never seen a man
get hit by a truck before so I don't know if they
always hit the concrete and then Bruce Lee back up
immediately ready to fight. But that is what he did. It was like, boom, boom, let's fucking do it! The two sides rush each
other like a WWE event to the middle of
the parking lot. Now, if you've never
seen bus people fight parking lot people. It's a lot like the Civil War. If the South would've
fought itself. (crowd laughs) The moment it starts getting
ugly, I had this thing in me. My dad, he taught me
to be a peacekeeper. So I'm thinking, I
have to do something, and I stood up to go
help, but I shouldn't have had that thought. I shouldn't have
gone to do this, this here is natural
selection at its best. Okay, Darwin could write
a book about what's gonna happen in
this parking lot. People need to die,
gene pools need to end. It has to end here. But I didn't think
that way, I was like, I gotta help, and I got up, and to his
credit, Stutters came with me and the two of us got off
the bus, and by that point the bus driver had come out
of the gas station McDonald's, and it was the three of us
in the middle of this fight trying to separate it. It actually went really well. It separated really easily. Everybody was pretty calm. When the guy, the truck, who
did the hitting of the man came pulling back up. In the truck was the man who committed the attempted
vehicular homicide. (crowd laughs) Next to him was his
cartoonishly obese wife. And in the back, well
not really in the back, just more darting around the cab was a nine-year-old
boy just like Mountain Dew! Mountain Dew!
Mountain Dew! Mountain Dew! 'Cause fuck seat belts
and safety, right? It's two o'clock in
Oklahoma, he's not fucking going to college, right? We might as well get a
jump start on his organs is what I'm saying. (woman groans) Yeah, welcome to the show. (crowd laughs) So, that truck doesn't
even stop rolling when that obese woman
flings the door open and starts storming
at the group of people accusing the man who
got hit by the truck of faking it. You're a fucking faker! Fuck you you fucking faker! You took a goddamn dive,
you're a fucking faker! She's roaring up the fight. To his credit, the
man pulled the truck the rest up of the
way up to the fight and got out way calmer. He was like, yeah, I did that. And then his boy got
out, and because he's a wonderful father,
he took his son he put him up on the
hood of the truck so he could watch
over the fight. Like it was some scene
from Hillbilly Lion King. One day son, this
could all be yours. ♪ Ha svenya! Skitty
ski, red bull! ♪ Who Toby Keith, tattoos (crowd laughs) The dad steps in front of
the truck to the fight, by this point everything
has calmed back down again. Either because the woman
is no longer angry, or b, she is winded
from the 11-step walk from where she exited the
truck to the fight itself. Doesn't matter why,
she's no longer angry. Everything seems fine. When one of the bus people
did the funniest thing you could ever do
in that scenario. They threw a Diet
Coke at the fat woman. (crowd laughs) Now, I'm trying to
keep peace and I know that's a fucking boss
move right there. That's a winner's play. He throws a Diet Coke. It hits the fat woman in
the neck-ish, chest-ish, boob, you can't tell what it is, but in this region. It explodes, she reacts
like it's Holy Water. (screams) So fucking funny! Oh my God, it was
so fucking funny. Her husband did not
feel the same way about the humor that I did. He lost his damn mind. He started Tasmanian
deviling his arms. Trying to murder someone. And I'm right in front of him. I'm not trying to punch him,
I'm not trying to hurt him, I'm literally just trying
to stop a homicide. I just have my hands on his
chest, that's all I'm doing. This is it. I don't know if his son
thought that I was trying to hurt his dad, but
that nine-year-old boy shouted the words Hulk Hogan. Which isn't even a fucking
relevant wrestler at this time, leapt off the hood of the truck, and flying punched
me in the face. (crowd laughing) Now, I don't know if you've
ever had to opportunity to be in an Oklahoma City
McDonald's slash gas station parking lot at 2
o'clock in the morning with 60 of the grossest
people on the earth, just fucking Crocs, and
socks, and jean shorts they cut themselves, and
sleeveless racing t-shirts, and fucking Tweety Bird tattoos. (crowd laughs) And been able to be the
worst out of those people. But I've lived that,
'cause I had a real moment where I was like, I
am gonna fuck this nine-year-old up! (crowd laughs) And I stepped to him. I stepped to a
nine-year-old child. I did the what! The
I'm-gonna-crush-your-face-child. That move. Literally 60 of the
worst people on earth all at the same
time were like, no! Fight's over! That is the exact
moment the police car pulls into the parking lot. They see 60 disgusting
adults going, no! A child and a grown man in
a Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt welded back ready
to melt his nose. Now, the good news
is I didn't get in any legal trouble
for the incident. They believed me, I told
my side of the story, there were other witnesses. I was exonerated in the process. The bad news is I
had to miss the bus. They left without it. Anybody who was involved in
the fight had to stay behind and do statements. We missed the bus so I missed
my bus, I have to sleep in the Oklahoma
City bus station. And take a different bus in
the morning, because fast fact, the longest you can be
banned for a Greyhound bus is until the bus shows up. (crowd laughs) So I'm getting on the
bus in the morning, it's been a long night,
and it hit me I was like, oh shit, I have to call my dad. I'm not gonna be there when
he thinks I'm gonna be there. So I call my dad and he
answered in an incredible mood 'cause why wouldn't he? This is one of the monumental
weekends in his entire life. He goes, hey bud,
how's it going? I was like, dad, hey
just real quick, I am not gonna be there this morning. There was an
incident last night. I threatened to punch a child. I didn't punch a child, he
punched me first actually. There's a fat woman
and Diet Coke, and I was actually
trying to keep peace. I wanted to fucking punch
the child, but I didn't. The point is, I'm gonna be on
a different bus later today. And my dad goes, all right,
well, I'm gonna take you off speaker phone there, bud. (crowd laughs) My dad was at breakfast
with my soon-to-be three new sisters, two
of their foster parents, and three social workers
from the state of Texas. (crowd laughs) So I am still a little
bit scared of flying, but I'm definitely
far more scared of all the disgusting
trash in between places. (crowd cheering)
(techno music) Thank you guys so much!
